It’s that time of the week again for The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast.
Here’s what I cover in episode 14:
Why do some people find long-distance relationships especially attractive?: Sometimes long-distance relationships are unavoidable and both parties are endeavouring to close the distance gap asap but sometimes being in a long-distance relationship is the perfect smokescreen to hide emotional unavailability including fears about intimacy and commitment.
Painting a picture of your past position with a parent (or another family member): Sometimes a parent really does not see the same set of events in the way that we do because, well, they were both adult and parent back in the day plus we were experiencing those same things from a child’s perspective. We can become frustrated because we’re assuming that they understand everything that we’re feeling and why, but actually, being vulnerable enough to say, “This is what I felt, this is what I thought was going on, and here are a few examples of why”, can open up a fresh dialogue and some understanding between you.
Tips for dealing with workplace bullies: I offer up some suggestions for overcoming bullying behaviour at work. Stop seeing these people as strong – they really are not!
Listener Question – How do I deal with the distrust that I now find myself viewing women with after what was a brief but very painful and confusing relationship with my ex? I explain what this distrust is really about.
What Nat Learned This Week: Listening to my body is vital – it provides vital clues about where I’m overdoing it.
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Excellent podcast.
I just got out of such relationship. We were 250 miles apart, at first we were seeing each other all the time, only a few days without each other. Then his sick leave ended and I was supposed to do all the traveling even though he lived alone and I have a house, children, and a dog (that I was not allowed to bring with me, even though he is sweet and well behaved).
He was alluding to moving in with me in my city and put his house on the market. Then it turned out he really wanted to move to another state where his children lived (both over 30). There was no time line nor was he able to establish one.
So, today I am sad, but after a long discussion he said there was no resolution to our situation…nothing else to say or do.
A big difference from his initial statement of “I want to be here with you and love you and everything else is secondary.” Weh, not sure what to believe any more.
Hi…ive had the same happen to me…he lived 300 miles away, wouldnt move to be with me but wld go along with me taking my son and dog there but only as friends with benefits…after 5 years i said i loved him and wld move there if i knew he wanted to be more than just friends…..he said no ..i was and still am devestated that he didnt want to commit emotionally but was happy for me to move all that way!
Jane, thank you for sharing. I see that it would never change. These guys are focused on themselves.
That is awful. I’m sorry that you went through that. Be thankful that it’s over though because that’s a long time to give over to someone who definitely wasn’t in the relationship with both feet in. You come out of this knowing that you need more than what you were settling for, and that is a good thing.
It is sad indeed because you had hopes and expectations invested in the relationship and you made an effort. The problem is though that there was an imbalance and it’s not about keeping score but when you put in that effort and they’re on the fence and plotting a move elsewhere that has no timrline, you realise that this person is very of the moment, does things on his terms, and that it’s time to go.
I love your podcasts Natalie. Whilst I’ve adored the blog and will always adore it, the podcasts have been a wonderful way to absorb your positive messages of trusting yourself. This one really made me think of a long-distance relationship I had quite a few years ago. Whilst the fellow I was having the relationship is clearly an EUM, the thing that I was reminded of whilst listening was that I actually believed at the time that no one, not one single man in the country I live in (Australia) would find me attractive or want to be in a relationship with me. Hence, I embarked upon what I can now see as actually a very abusive and controlling long-distance relationship with someone instead. Wow. Pretty frightening I thought that way about myself. Also, the section on listening to your body has had a lot of resonance for me, particularly this year. I was in a situation over the last year where I found myself so strongly attracted to someone who actually also made me feel physically sick. After we would catch up socially, I would have terrible painful tummy pains (often to the point where I couldn’t eat or drink) and I would actually find myself weeping a storm afterwards as well. I kept trying to convince myself that it was all in my head and that I was being ‘over-sensitive’ but I realised a few months ago that I had to stop having contact with him for a variety of reasons that I won’t bother going into in detail but included confusing massive flirting, stories of his sexual conquests (which were all casual and with extremely young women) and an attitude towards objectifying women. (I know, I know, why I was so strongly attracted to him? It was so confusing and physically painful). However, since I’d stopped contact a few months ago, my stomach is much calmer and I don’t cry without a reason! I also feel like a weight was lifted from not just my heart but in fact my whole body. I had thought that I was in tune enough with myself to back myself a bit better than years ago, but I guess the Universe is just throwing challenges at us so that we keep learning eh. Anyway, love the podcasts, thanks again. Bee
Bee, I had the same tummy issue. Essentialy it was massive anger this person mirrored of my father who dehumanized, disrespected and kept me from developing a specific talent. ugh, I still see him around the neighborhood and I ignore him.
Take this opportunity to do work on breaking the connection between you and your father. If you begin releasing you from your need for validation and recognition from him and you also see your father in more realistic and less powerful terms and recognise that you are commander of your journey now and that he doesn’t have that power anymore, you will see this ex differently also.
Your body as very much trying to alert you that this man was triggering deep stress. Sometimes we can’t see it with our eyes but our bodies can see and feel it on an energetic level plus, if you’re used to second guessing yourself and pushing down concerns, you were not able to consciously pick up notifications but your body was helping you out in a big way to force you to pay attention. Quite wonderful really xx
This is so interesting to hear about our parents seeing things differently than we do. It triggered the family secrets, however, for me. Several people on both my paternal and maternal sides of family were molested by a parent or step-parent. The perpetrators have long since passed on. When the abuse was brought up years later, the mother that was married to one of these sickos, acted like it never happened. Lots of denial expressed. I’m curious if she really knew it was going on or really was that ignorant. But there were signs that she knew but blamed her children for the perpetration. It makes me wonder what in the world was going on in her mind, how she saw this and somehow allowed it to keep happening to her own children. What kind of viewpoint is that? Hard to imagine. It makes me think she was so focused on herself and getting her needs met by this horrible man even if it meant her children would be exposed to tremendous harm. She is the definition of a narcissistic individual.
Of course you could not imagine it as you don’t share that same moral outlook, thankfully, but what she is and was doing is very common, especially in previous generations. When anyone denied anything, it’s because to consciously allow the truth to surface will destroy everything they’ve built an illusion around plus they will have to take responsibility. She blames the kids probably because when it happened to her, she was blamed too. She blames the kids because really she blames herself but doesn’t want to admit it. She might have to leave, she might have to see her children more clearly and face their pain, and she also might have to face her culpability in the abuse they’ve suffered. There are some people who do what she did because they’re narcissistic and perpetrators of abuse themselves, but often they are being emotionally, verbally and possibly physically abused and were taught that they have no worth, that they won’t survive and that no one will believe them or they will be a pariah. And it’s not just parents who do what she’s done – there are entire communities as well as cultures within organisations and industries that perpetrate the same thing.
One of the things I chose to do when it came to moving past my own abuse, as much as that might be possible, was to accept wholly and fully what I understand at this time. You can’t get inside the head of an abuser and know every last thing that they are thinking and why, because you’re not them and you’re not coming from the same place.
Mine lived across the country- and I dumped him when I realised he had taken up with another girl who lives on a different continent! Is he collecting girls around the world or something?!