Being the other woman to a man with a wife or girlfriend is a tricky relationship – I should know, I’ve been there (read my tale on my journey from being the other woman to happiness) and have corresponded with many women in the situation. There are lots of all too seemingly obvious reasons why being involved with an attached man is hazardrous, but if you’re already there, here are my tips for survival:

1. Have your escape route from the affair planned. If you have any sense of self worth, don’t be banking on being the other woman forever. Either get the commitment you want and be the starring role instead of the understudy, or get out. Set a time limit and stick to it.

2. Don’t be burning up energy making empty threats. Sometimes an ultimatum is needed to bring things to a head, but if you have no intention of actually following through – you’ll look like a dipstick and then he knows that he doesn’t actually have to make a decision. An ultimatum is an ultimatum for a reason which means there should only be ONE.
3. Do tell someone about the affair but do ensure that you tell someone who isn’t going to blow the lid on things. Keeping things to yourself will be a big strain emotionally and you need someone who you can confide in, sanity check things with and who will also tell you that you should be doing better. You need to be careful of becoming isolated in the relationship and also being trapped by your feelings.

4. Don’t get pregnant in an attempt to force his hand. The only person you’re ‘trapping’ is yourself. A baby is for life…not for using as a tool to get what you want.

5. Get a life. Don’t make him the focal point of your existence and don’t be afraid to spend time on your own and certainly spend time with friends and family. The better you feel about yourself, the quicker you’ll come to your senses about being the other woman. Also if you make him the focus of your existence, it gives him supreme control and makes you very dependent on him. Not good!

6. Don’t be doing the chasing. How can you be spending so much energy running after a man who is throwing you the crumbs of his attention?

7. Keep it real. You are the other woman, he belongs to someone else, this isn’t a good indicator of how much he can be trusted and he is probably having sex with his girlfriend/wife. This doesn’t mean he loves you – it means he’s greedy, indecisive, cowardly and a cheat.

8. Don’t slag off the girlfriend or wife. It will do you no favours and makes you appear to be jealous and childish. It’s a difficult situation but he is with this person and whatever reason he has come up with being with you and cheating on her, he hasn’t left her and he’s still with her.

9. Don’t turn into a stalker. The moment you feel yourself going off the rails and wanting to follow him, cut up his clothes, follow his girlfriend/wife, hang around at his kids school, fake pregnancies, fake diseases and any other devious or attention seeking carry-on, it’s time to abort the mission and bail out.

10. Don’t cope with being the other woman. Get out and be with a man that isn’t someone else’s. Take off the rose tinted glasses and particularly if you have been with him for an extended period of time, you need to let go. It doesn’t take that long to leave someone and he is emotionally unavailable no matter what he says. If he really did love you, he’d put himself in a position to actually be with you properly. Don’t let him convince you that he is the best you can do for yourself – you are better than playing second best.

Recently added article – Breaking up and getting over married men

Back in part two

This post was originally published back in 2006 and had a phenomenal response which caused it to be taken offline to due to big demands on the server. It’s now available if you want to see all of the original 700+ comments.

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357 Responses to How To Cope With Being The Other Woman

  1. fortuna says:

    Hi Natalie.

    I am posting on the link that L S gave you up above hope we can talk there I worry about this site might crush on us try to find your way there.

    Meanwhile Natalie I would like to point out , be carefull do not predict things yet ,firstly because things always changes nothing stays the same in life, secondly you are not in a good frame of mind at the moment you are still under the influence of MM which is clouding more or less you vision towards life thirdly actually it should firstly You were given antidepressant to make you stronger and to balance your body and mood so when it will be decision time you will not be taking it out of impulse you will taking it because you are stronger and convinced, not alone and vulnrable so dont worry honey bunny you will be going through it step by step dont rush it ,it is a procedure you will have to go through it I am afraid so keep looking forward we are all here for you , you are not alone I am sure you will and can make it I was there If I can make it you can KEEP TALKING TO US WE WILL BE THERE FOR YOU DO NOT DESPAIR BELEIVE ME THIS IS THE TRUTH IN THE FUTURE THIS EXPERIENCE WILL MAKE YOU STRONGER AND YOU WILL NOT LET ANYONE MESS UP WITH YOUR FEELINGS.

    Lots of love
    Fortuna

  2. Jade says:

    Dear Natalie
    I feel your pain. I also posted my story last week and the whole situation has really broken me, especially as my MM has chosed to “have a break” since his wife gave him an ultimation. My husband has moved back but I dont know if we are going to salvage our marriage right now. We are trying to be really honest with each other. I yearn for my MM to contact me, break the rules and tell me that he does in fact love me. I am also on Antidepressants and have been for a year. Sometimes in life we need such things to help us along. It does NOT make you a bad person at all. I know your lonliness, I think that is why we have arrived at this website in the first place. I have found solace here. I am so confused at the moment as well – I love MM, he makes me feel like the most valued woman on this earth when I am with him, but when I am on my own, I hit such a down. The advice you are getting (and I am also using it) is so sound. Why is it that the best advise is always the hardest to follow? Take care and yes, ONE DAY AT A TIME. ONE HOUR AT A TIME IS ALSO OK. Please keep in contact and know that you are a special person and certainly are not alone.

  3. Lauren says:

    I feel so shallow and immature writing this after reading other people’s stories but I could really use some impartial advice.
    I’m only young (18) but have been hurt by a couple of guys recently- leaving me for younger girls lol sad but true and my head has been a bit =S always wanting what I can’t have and when I’ve got it not wanting it.
    Well anyway recently a boy I find very attractive has started getting very flirty and a couple of weeks a go he asked for no strings attatched sex. He has a long term girlfriend (of a few years) and has made it perfectly clear that all that would be between me and him is sex and nothing more.
    Like I said I do find him good looking and am kinda lusting over him, do I go through with it and think that maybe it will teach me a lesson and I can move on and find a nice boy. Or do I tell him where 2stick his offer? haha.
    Thanks.

  4. LS says:

    Lauren:
    Don’t feel shallow or immature. We on this forum are women of all different ages and walks of life and we are here to offer our best support and advice to one another. Don’t ever apologize for seeking advice! The situation of bein an OW is a tough one. At your age and hearing what little you shared, I say run like hell the other way! Girl, you are WAY too young to be getting involved with a guy who TOLD you flat out that it would be nothing but sex to him. Why waste your time? I mean if you honestly think you can handle that and be OK with knowing that it will NEVER be more, by all means, go ahead. Have fun. But let me tell you this, I have MANY girlfriends of all different ages and not one of them have EVER been able to have strictly a physical relationship successfully with any man, no matter how much they say they can do it, we as women usually will always end up falling for these assholes. (excuse my language) Does that make sense? I do NOT recommend it at all. I have been in many of those myself and someone always gets hurt. You go in thinking you will change his mind or that he will change his mind over time. No he won’t. Especially if there is a GF. I know from experience. I am in a relationship right now with a MM and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Granted he tells me that he wants to be with me someday, it is still not easy being with someone who can’t give you 100%.

  5. Jade says:

    Hi Lauren. I have to agree with LS. You are young and dont need to settle for being 2nd best, such a relationship can only hurt you. You WILL fall for him emotionally and it WILL hurt if he plays the two of you. Go out have lots of fun and build up your self esteem (I note you say you have been hurt a couple of times – so DONT go and belittle yourself now) Tell yourself “I am worth it, I deserve a man who loves me 100% and as you adopt this “mantra” you will draw the right person to you. Take care and join us in the forum.

  6. fortuna says:

    Hi Lauren,

    LS , Jade , every single woman young or old will tell you exactly the same ,a man like like this is a sample of desease who will distroy a lot of woman lives over the years to come .I gather he is more or less your age.
    Nevertheless what I understood from your comments and considering your age you might want to go through it probably to gain experience , it is a good idea you need experience BUT NOT UNDER THIS CREEP`S| TERM it should be under YOUR OWN TERM when you want, when you decide ,as long as you are aware of what you are geting yourself into .
    For your information LAUREN rarely a woman uses a man only for sex she has to get emmotionally involved BUT a man uses a woman for sex , SEX only .
    Enjoy your life honey bunny I wish internet existed when I was your age other wise I wouldnt be posting on this forum .
    GOOD LUCK KEEP US POSTED
    lots of love and support

    Fortuna

  7. Voice says:

    Lauren,

    Listen to the others, LS is spot on when she says it will never be just physical. There are other kinds of love besides story book love, but trust us, one of them will get you. Any fun & gratification he has, will be at your expense.

    Take care

  8. yeye says:

    hi,

    i’m so happy to have found this site, haven’t had time to read through everyone’s comments but i will, it’s nnice to have people to be able to relate with somehow.

    My story might be a bit different because i’m african and culturally being a second wife is not a taboo!

    And in my country , women greatly outnumber men!

    But i’m 30, i run my own graphic design agency and i’m independent and have been since i was 17.

    These are not really considered as positive traits fro marriage amongst my age group!

    I’m widely read and considered extremely intelligent, which is another downside, as my age group feel that i’ll be difficult to control!

    We also have not much in common as their interest are more surface and material.

    For instance i don’t practice religion, i believe deeply in God, but i feel that religion as an instituion doesn’t work for me, i have nothing against it. ifeel it’s what works for you, another downside for me, as my country is deeply religious(even though it hasn’t seemed to work as we are noted as one of the most corrupt countries)

    I’m a sort of a free thinker and i feel everyone is responsible for their lives, so very few men in my age group consider me wife material as i’m definately not the submissive type! and they just don’t get me.

    Older men, however are not so put off by me, espeacially the ones that are exposed, i grew up in England so my ideas and lifestlye are considered somewhat foreign.

    Most of my friends are much older than me. And most young people have dated me, but would not take me home to their parents or marry me,because i don’t fit in.

    So unfortunately i’ve ended up being the other woman.

    I have a 10mth old daughter called Aamira, her father is 19 years older than me and has been married for 25years. Their marriage was kinda arranged as he was 23 and she was 19, and their fathers were best friends! They lived in America for 22 years and adopted a caucasian child at birth who is now 15. His wife has been unable to have children.

    He’s a prince and most of his life, he ahs tried to live according to the dictates of his culture, but that was not who he really is, i guess in my culture it’s more important fr u to do what is expected of you.

    So when we met 5 years ago, it started as a friendship, he was questioning his spirituality,(his family is one of the great custodians of islam), i was born a christian, and had started reading alot of Neale walsh’s conversations with GOd, Paulo Coelho and Kahil GIbran, so it started with mw sharing the books with him, with him confiding in me his dissatisfaction with islam and with his life in general.

    His wife however is a staunch muslim, and doesn’t understand why he is dissatisfied with his religion.

    So it’s only with me that he could tell his fears and disappointments and dreams which his religion, status and marriage hadn’t let him pursue. He has alot of fun hanging out with me and my friends, things he had never really done before. He had never been to a night club as he had been very religious when younger.

    He had never really just hung out and been free!and And he was wonderful to my friends, and all of them loved him , and would go to him for advice and help!

    So when we started a relationship, with me he could be who he was, without fear or having to pretend.

    Three months after the relationship started i got pregnant, he asked me to marry him, as a moslem he is entitled to more than one wife.

    I accepted for the child’s sake i guess, but then his wife threatened to commit suicide or leave him, i told him that i wanted to add to his joy but i would rather not marry him, so i was had an abortion and ended the relationship.

    But he kept on coming back , i had another relationship with a single guy, from another country, which wasn’t working, so we started again, i started on the pill to make sure i didn’t get pregnant again.

    But last year i found out i was pregnant , and a s i had lost two people very close to me, i chose to keep it, and i’m happy i did. He suggeted that we marry without telling anybody, but i declined, ‘cos somehow i felt that there was much of me that would have to change once we got married.

    He’s pretty important in my country, so he lives his live concerned about what others will think or say of him, so as a wife i would be expected to act a certain way and that was not me!

    He was very supportive throughout the pregancy and was in the labour room when our daughter was born.

    He would come every morning before he went to work as early as 6am, to feed and bathe her.

    All that changed at 6weeks when his wife stumbled on a picture of hem on his phone!

    the first time she called me,there were alot of insults, but i refused to get pissed off, because i felt that in some way i owed her.

    Later phone calls she was very nice, trying to get me to give her my child,basically i would be introduced in their world as the surrogate mother, and i could see my child from time to time!

    She said that since i was working and she was a house wife, it would be better for her to raise my daughter.

    I declined as nicely as possible and sugested that we all bring her up together. This is not unusual in my culture, as we are very close knit, and it is believed that the community as a whole brings up a child.

    I mean nobody gets in ur business and stuff, but they will generally look out for you and yours!

    And as polygamy is not really frowned on, there are a lot of horror stories of people in polygamy, but as bad news travels faster very few people are unaware of the positive stories. The ones when co wives are like sisters and raise each other’s children as if they were their own, of the children who are brought up well rounded and role models.

    But i guess for each his own, every person is entitled to chose the path which works for them.

    So i digress, i offered them weekends, as as i sign of good faith i let my daughter stay for a weekend when she was just 7weeks! I find people asking how i could have done that.

    It wasn’t an easy decision , and i have no need to justify my action, but i knew without a doubt that they would not harm her, and he was her father, and i wanted us tp move ahead together, no situation is perfect or goes exactly according to plan, but i felt that we could work it out!and everyone would have to make sacrifices for it to be able to work out!

    So she did the weekend and they returned her, the wife dropped her off at my place personally on the agreed monday.

    They had fallen in love with her, as every one does. So we talked, she told me that she didn’t understand her husband and she felt that his meeting me had turned him away from his religion, and his upbringing, but i told her that no one can control a person or get them to change, we all are responsible for the actions we take! her husband had those questions long before he met me!

    She also expressed disgust in the fact that even in their early knowledge he had liked pornography and she had caught him masturbating!!!!!!
    (she had been a virgin at marriage and had never really liked sex, especially as her husband was a bit of a novice himself at the time). MM mean while loves sex, and still has a school boys interest in sex, as he has had very little sexual experience. So we did things, he had always wanted to do, but had never been able, not even kinky stuff, just things that alot of people do regularly without a second though during sex. Yep, he hadn’t really done much sex! And i have always been sexually adventurous!

    She said alot, and i stupidly told her alot about my beliefs and history.
    She goes to tell his family, who immediately dislike her version of me, and put pressure on him to end it with me.

    She also informs me that as she is always at home and i work, i should get my daughter for weekends and she gets her the rest of the time!

    Of course i turned it down and she tells her husband to choose between us!

    And u don’t need to be a rocket scientist! He choose her, initially he had told us that he would not give up one of us for another and we had to work towards coming to some sort of truce.

    I never really wanted him to have to choose me,i was no longer physically involed with him,

    I just wanted to let his daughter have her father in her life, to know where she’s from, (as we are of different tribes) and her rich heritage, to know her father, who is extremely humble, extremely intelligent,very warm and generous and kind.The person whose genes are in her, i feel that every child deserves to know both parents and be loved by them, no matter the kind of people they are.

    I wanted her to have her father in her life, cos whether its working for me or not, i can not change the fact that he is her father.

    So now he hasn’t seen his daughter for about 8months, she looks alot like him, actually she looks nothing like me and everything like her father, a fact which everyone including his wife has pointed out to me!

    She’s ten months now and i’m everything to her, her mother and her father,it’s not easy but i try never to regret, to always search for the lesson in every experience, the thing which should cause me to grow and be the best i can be!

    Everyone says he’ll be back, someday!I wish they could be more specific as to when!!!

    It’s easy to criticize ow, but they don’t realise that you don’t really get to choose who you will love.

    The mm, was so different from me, that initially i couldn’t think i would be involved with him, not to talk of having his daughter.

    But he was so shy , and humble and intelligent, we would talk for ages and ages trying to figure out the questions of life!brainstorming on lots of different things, sharing ideas and dreams! we just sort of boned after time, till he became my best friend, someone i could tell anything, without fear of judgement, someone with whom i could strip to my very soul and show the good, the bad and ugly sides of me.And i became his.

    He never lied to me, or told me that he didn’t love his wife, and i never even indirectly asked him to leave her for me! Infact i told him that if he left his wife i would leave him.

    i was looking up this site /www.wikihow.com/Discussion:Be-a–Mistress and i someone expressed disgust at ow, So i’m not justify anything, i feel that to each his own, and because someone doesn’t share my views or values, i have no right to judge another. but everyone always hates the ow, acting as if they are merely home wreckers out to destroy.

    People are ow for different reasons, but i guess its the way of the world to judge without trying to understand.

    i’m happy that there are a few people out there who will not immediately label me a bad person for being an ow!

    but this is my story, thank you for reading it!

  9. Lourdes says:

    I need advice from anyone out there.

    I’ve gotten a ton of advice from friends… I know that the problem is me. I am way too attached to my guy. The thing is that I Don’t even know what I am in this situation. He keeps calling me his best friend but I can’t help but feel like the other woman.

    The guy I like has a girlfriend. I met him about a year ago and we began talking. We became really good friends and I really liked him. He was the “nice guy”. I hung out with him regularly and spoke to him on the phone regularly – usually for hours at a time. I felt like everything was going well and that he was taking his time with me. It felt perfect. Three months later he gets a girlfriend and fails to tell me about her. I had to find out through a friend – and this was two months after they had started dating. Another month rolls by and we’re still good friends, even closer than before. I felt like i could trust him with everything – I had no lies and nothing to hide. He finally tells me he has a girlfriend (three months after they started going out) and he says that he also likes me.

    We talked it out and he told me that I should just move on and find another guy yet we still talk regularly and hang out. We had this talk about three times before I let it go and then we began calling each other best friends.

    Now I just feel like the OW. He never talks about his girlfriend with me. And whenever she calls him he leaves the room (or area we are in… restaurant or dept. store) and then comes back with some lame excuse. We do way too much and he’s way too touchy feely for me to just be his best friend.

    I asked for space but it hurt too much to be apart from him, and I know this is my fault, but I ended the space and now we continue to hang out (doing more than best friend type of things.)

    I need advice on how to space myself from him because in theory it seems a lot easier. But when I actually come around to trying to stay away, I just can’t do it. I always end up giving him attitude and getting mad at him but whenever he asks why I’m angry I can never find the guts to say that whatever we’re doing is wrong. And I don’t understand why he would do this to me knowing that he constantly hurts me. I don’t want to lose him…

  10. Tryn' says:

    Wow. So many of us in the same boat. I was the main gf of my man for a time, but broke up with him as he wouldn’t commit. We continued to see each other casually (couple of times a week) and then I discovered the other woman he was seeing was having his baby. I continued to be there for him for support!!! Can you believe that. He was confused about his situation, it was an accident and he was trying to do the right thing. We almost never spoke of the situation. I continued to see him, met his baby – believed he was confused. He was very devoted when I had him to myself. Of course though he was never there for me when I really needed him – the baby and OW were number 1. I gave him an ultimatum to choose and of course he chose the happy family. I’m devastated and I wish I had never did that. I want him back and don’t know how to get through this. Help.

  11. Aimee says:

    I have being seeing a man, who I care about dearly, for almost one year. He is taken, and although I feel overwhelming guilt, I have never wanted to let him go.
    He is a colleague of mine, and the only chance we really get to be together is at work – which makes the sex tricky but oh so exciting!!
    The past couple of months I have been faling in love with him. Every time I gain some affection back, he then becomes an utter B*****d.
    I have trusted him with some of my deepest secrets and fears, as recently I have been through alot medically, and he has been so comforting. Like my best friend…or boyfriend. Then the next day he will be damn near blanking me. I dont understand it.
    Last week I got a shock when I found out through other people that he had handed his notice in at work – he hadnt even the guts to tell me himself that he was leaving. Not only that, but he is also moving a good few hours away with his other half. I feel completely heartbroken.
    On one hand I know I should be glad he’s going as he is no good for me. But then the thought of never seeing him again makes me feel sick.
    Its his last day at work soon and I want to talk to him properly before he goes, just for closure, but I have no idea where to begin. I have to be careful as no one at work knows of us, and I dont want to get upset there.

    What do I say, just to get the closure I need before I never see him again? Do I finally have a go at him for treating me like the OW? Or just tell him how much I’ll miss him….

  12. Jade says:

    Hey Ladies

    Post your stories on the following link as opposed to this one.

    http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php?sid=6f74bf5f32ca24c7a6107a5deb1eb020

    Thanks Jaded

  13. Jade says:

    Dear Aimee

    Welcome to the site. This has to be hard for you. Just read all of our comments and you will see that generally these relationships do not work out in the end and that the OW is left shattered. Some ladies here have good relationships with their MM (Married Man), while others don’t, others are also going through breakups. We are all different in that regard, but similar in that we all are involved with another W’s husband – end of story. The fact that your MM has not bothered to tell you that he is leaving speaks volumes about the situation. It has to hurt. At the end of the day, we choose the relationship knowing that he was involved, and sadly we did not expect so much pain. I know I did not. I do think that you need closure, you need to address the issue with him directly. You must have a lunch period where you can do this? Can you not text him or e-mail him? The fact that you know that he is no good for you, also speaks volumes. Listen to your inner truth. This IS going to be hard, but you WILL come through it. You have to take one day at a time, one hour at a time. Know that many of us have been through, are going through similar situations, and you are not alone. Keep posting, it will keep you sane!

    Hugs, Jaded.

  14. Michelle0586 says:

    OK I need some good advice, and hopefully someone here can help me. ……
    I have so many things on my mind. I just want my life back to normal. I don’t like the situation I’m in, but it hurts so much to let go of him. I feel like I have no choice in how my life is panning out anymore. Before I felt like I had control over myself and what was going on…now I feel like I have no choice. AT ALL. I didn’t take this job to be involved with my boss. Somedays I wish he just would of left me alone. I used to be strong and I used to be independent…and I’m neither of those anymore. I feel myself needing him more and more everyday, and it CAN NOT be like that if I want to have some kind of control over ME. This whole situation isn’t fair!!!! Especially to me!!! Why the hell am I in it then? Why do I still stick around, waiting for his call, waiting for him to give more, waiting for him to leave her….I truly am an idiot. For me personally…it’s not the same between us anymore. When I’m away, I don’t want to be around him, don’t want to talk to him because I’m hurting. I’m hurting because I want to be with him and I can’t. I want someone of my own, but in order to do that, I have to let him go, and I can’t do that either. It’s too hard, plus on top of that I work with him and it’s just going to be that much harder to move on. I don’t want my college years to be like my HS ones and be totally ruined by someone who isn’t going to be a part of my life forever. But when I’m around him, it totally changes. I like being around him, he makes me feel good, makes me laugh, he’s kinda like a best friend. Granted he is NOT married to her. I repeat NOT married to her, but they are together for the kids. They used to be married – for 3 years, but he divorced her because they never got along. So after 2 years after the divorce, he said he was miserable because he wanted to see his kids more, so he got back with her. All of that happened before I came into the picture. Well at least that is what he tells me, but she is probably convinced by HIM that he is there for her too. I feel like this situation is eating me up inside and life is too short to be dealing with drama like this, especially when I tried so hard for 10 months to say no and to leave me alone. Then one day it just changed..I started looking at him differently…and now I’m kicking myself in the ass for it. I really need some kind of support with this. Though, all of this is not really hidden from anyone. We don’t try to hide anything in front of everyone, but we don’t come out and say anything to anyone either. We’ve gone out to lunch, we spend most of the work day together or talking to each other even if one of us is off for the day. What do I do with all of this? I refuse to spend the rest of my life like this, so I figure I will stick it out until I graduate from college and if he can’t give me a more serious commitment, then I’m gone. I didn’t plan for any of this to happen. I did not plan to fall for my boss! I’m in much needed helor jsut support. This is my first experience with this type of situation….

  15. Michelle0586 says:

    Also, I’ve tried being “just friends”. I do my best to keep it strictly platonic between him and I, despite the feelings I have for him. For the most part, it has been like that. Finally after 10 months of him chasing me, I finally gave in and we got intimately involved for about 6 weeks. Then I stopped. Now, I do my best to just see him as my boss/friend, but it’s hard because we both know and understand we like each other much more than that. It’s been about a month since we’ve done anything physical, because I can’t, but it’s hard when he won’t leave it be. I’ve tried ending things..EVERYTHING before with him, but I’ve gone back to him – twice.

  16. Jaded says:

    Dear Michelle

    Welcome to the “Not so wonderful world of being the “OTHER WOMAN”. A lot of us have walked in a similar path to you so we feel your pain. Know that you are 100% normal, your reactions are 100% normal. The only way I survived was to make this about ME, not HIM, and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done, as I too, went from an independant, confident woman to a dependant woman with no self esteem. All in the name of love. LOVE, TRUE LOVE, should NOT HURT. These years of your life should be wonderful, HE should be letting go and setting you free. He is not exactly married anymore, and would still be able to have access to his children. Seems he wants the best of both worlds. At the end of the day, these relationships, while WONDERFUL, dont work out (or very few do, and we all hope that our relationship will be the one that does) and as we get more emotionally attached we fall BIG TIME.

    We are here to listen to you when you go through ups and downs, we are here to support you, we dont think you are crazy or anything like that, so keep posting!

    Try posting on the following link, and meet up with us.

    http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php?

    All the strength, Jaded

  17. Jen says:

    Good morning ladies. I haven’t been here in awhile & was wondering how everyone’s doing. Hugs…

    Jen

  18. Michelle0586 says:

    Thanks Jaded for your reply. It helps just to know someone else’s opinion on this “situation”, especially from someone who has been where I am now. Well, this past week has actually been a pretty good one. School has started up again, and I have been busy – which has kept my mind off of most things. This week especially HE has been paying a lot of attention to me, which I won’t lie, I have liked, but I’ve tried my best to keep myself occupied. He has asked to work out together (which we do do that 2 or 3 times a week) – but I said no, because I had plans, then he invited me to a school function later in the week, so…since it was a school function I decided to go, and for the most part when I was there, he stayed by my side. I did have fun because it was with the people him and I work with. The next night we saw each other at another school function because all this week is welcome week for school to start again. I had already planned to go to it for myself, so and since he had to help run it, he was there also. And then the night after that we saw each other – again. We’ve talked everyday since schools been out on Friday for the weekend, and he texted me today, but I didn’t write back.

    I think in a way, I’m kinda of doing this to myself, as in the terms…I’m not helping it, right? But I am involved with school and I don’t want to stop doing things just because he’s there…ya know? Also, how exactly do I make this situation all about me and not him? I think in all of this I’m doing a pretty good job in keeping a level head, even though I do care about him, but I also realize that I don’t have to be in this situation for the rest of my life – which I find comforting in a sense. I know after I graduate school and get started with my own life – it will be easier to get over him, especially if I plan to move 2 hours away to take a job in the Dallas area. And with this “situation” since I am young – I’m only 20, I know I will do a lot of changing as an individual and I have my whole life ahead of me..which I think will help me move on just with that.

    I saw the other link below your comment, and I went to it, but I didn’t know where exactly to post my comment. But I wanted to say thank you sooo much for responding. It helps to know people actually care. :)

    I will keep you informed, definitely.

  19. Jaded says:

    Hi Michelle, you sound like a really mature person and yes, you have your whole life ahead of you. Remember you deserve a man who can give you 100% of his attention 100% of the time. You dont deserve to have to compete with another woman EVER. Trust me, this being the OW thing SUCKS big time and will only end in pain for someone. If a man is true to you, he will leave his W / GF FIRST and then come after you with everything he has. That is the right thing to do!

    Try getting in via the other site so the other girls can assist you as well. They are a great bunch. Once in the main page go to :Coping with how to be the OW” and you will see all the threads.

    http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?p=2083#2083

  20. LC says:

    Hi Everyone- this is my second time on this site…the first time was last weekend and I ended up sending some of it without any names to my MM. He said he had read it over and over and had some soul searching to do..after 11 months intimately with this man- mind you its been about a year and a half we’ve been “close” and emotionally attached I finally ended it. He had broken up with me many times only for us to get back together everytime. He broke my heart so many times, yet I forgave him and still do. A little background on him- he’s been married for 20 years and has 3 teenage boys. He said everytime he didnt know if he could leave cause of his boys. Well, this last time, i lost it and was so upset with him, I went off on him and warned him I was going to tell his wife. Well Ladies- I did just that- I TOLD HIS WIFE. She deserved to know- unfortunately he didnt have the balls to do it, so I did. Come to find out the day he broke up with me, he told her he was an awful husband to her and that he wanted to work on their marriage. I’m torn you guys. I still love him so much and knew we would not be able to build our future together off of lies and deceit. I feel awful of what I have done having the affair. But I also feel bad that I betrayed him and told her. But all in all I still felt she needed to know. Now she’s divorcing him, and he wont talk to me. I WARNED HIM- HE DIDNT BELIEVE ME. So what now? I am having a hard time moving on. I do love him so much and we were good friends for a year before we got intimately and emotionally involved. He told my best friends that hes not mad at me, and that he still loves me. But, how do i move on if he wont even talk to me?

    Please any advice???

  21. Jaded says:

    Hi LC

    Please join us on the other site – here is the link

    http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php?sid=59584b9bb8d36659a848b664f3925d14

    This particular page keeps crashing when I try and respond. But I would love to be here for you as would the other woman on the main site. Please try to find your way to the main site and repost.

    Love jaded.

  22. simplykam72 says:

    Hello Ladies,

    I was browsing this site and really wanted to share my story. I am 35 year old divorcee’ with 2 children 3 and 10. My marriage was so tumultuous that I have been dubbed the “runaway date” because I am so afraid of relationships that I only make it to 3 dates and then I’m gone. My independence means so much to me because of the degradation I went through with my ex.

    I went back to work after my youngest turned 2 and boy was it difficult getting back into the work hustle and dealing with being a single mom. I had not interest in really dating but, just wanted somone to fulfill that physical need. When I first started at the company where I work now, there was this guy in my training class who I thought was cute, but was never turned on by him and we ended up becoming friends. I was not attracted to him because I knew he was married and mentally placed him in that “don’t touch his ass” box.

    I started class last November and one day in June we started emailing each back and forth and one thing led to another- my bed. I just wanted him for sex and nothing more. I don’t want him to leave his family or any of that bullshit. I don’t have the energy to spend dealing with that and I know that if he ever left his wife I would not want him. Why would I? You can’t ever, ever trust a married man who cheats. Trust and infidelity do not coexist ever. I date other men and have a whole life that does not include him. However, I know it’s wrong and there is no justification in sleeping with somebody else’s husband. We are very connected emotionally and mentally and get along so well. That’s only because there are not strings attached and he is not going through the day to day activities of marriage with me. I want to leave him alone, but I don’t know how especially because I work with him. I tried just ignoring him and he’ll say or do something and there we go again. He’s jealous as hell and posessive which is not cute or makes me feel secure. Our side of the office where he and I work are in close quarters. The other difficult thing is that he is the only cute guy out of the 4 straight guys that work in our office and all the single women are constantly wearing the short dresses, tight jeans and strolling past his desk all the time. That shit bothers the hell out of me especially when it’s so blatant. Yes, I know that it is wrong for me to get mad or jealous about a man who ain’t mine. It’s just a difficult situation that I don’t know how to fix. I don’t want anything more from him except for what we have because well, I’m not sleeping with anyone else but,I am dating. I don’t know how to leave him alone and truly mean it. PLEASE HELP!!!

  23. TT says:

    Wow…I didn’t know that there were so many other women going through what I have been going through for over 1 1/2. But my MM is a close family friend that I believed and trusted because we were close friends before this all came about. He would tell me that he loved me and that him and his wife were going to divorce. He only wanted to be with me and no one else. We looked at wedding dresses and tuxedos, colors, rings, etc. We went on trips together, spent nights together, did everything a couple does…even though he’d stay nights with me, he still risided with his wife. Then me being impatient about the divorce, I begin wondering if he’s been telling me the truth the whole time…it now comes down to he was lying to me. His wife had assumed I was the other woman, then the drama begins. We begin lying to her about the affair. We lied for this whole time. MM and I would break up every month and I would get back together, he would beg for my love, and tell me that he doesn’t want her. Well to come down to it, he was saying the same things to her because after the rumors of our affair she left him, but he was running back to her begging for her back, wanting to stay married to her, doesn’t want anyone ot love anyone but her. But everything that he was saying to her, he was coming back and telling me. I finally spoke to the wife, I let her know everything…I was fed up with the lies, I wanted to know the truth. She told me what I have thought all along. She wouldn’t take him back, he was running to her, then running to me, giving us both the same words. Till this day he still denies wanting to be with her and confessing his love to me. I left him after that day talking to his wife. His wife is now trying to make my life miserable and I told her that I wanted everyone out of my life, him, her, friends, EVERYONE…just leave me alone and don’t speak my name. It’s been 4 days and my emotions are going from anger, sadnes, hurt, relief, happiness. The night AFTER I told him I was done, he found me at a bar and spoke to me about everything…he shouldn’t have, I”m trying to get over him and he comes looking for me…I cried my eyes out after he left. The next day he comes to my home and talks to me about it again and how he loves me and hope after the divorce we would get to be together again (HELL NO!), then the NEXT day he wants to spend the day with me because he knew I didn’t have to work. WHY IS HE DOING THIS TO ME?!?! I want to be done!!! But I’m so weak!! I changed my number, but he has my work phone or he’ll have a friend or family member call me. It’s going to be sooooooo hard to get away from him because he’s close to my family and friends. Well let me get to where I’m at now as I’m writing this. As of last night, I had an intuition that he could have emailed his wife. I went into his inbox and what did I see…on the day everything came out to his wife…he wrote her confessing his love and telling her sorry for everything, how he only wanted her and it was a mistake with me. NOW this letter was before the night he found me at the bar, came to my house to confess his love, and spent that day with me because I didn’t have to work. I called him and begged him to just come out of his mouth to just tell me he did send it and that he’s sorry for making me think we were going to be something in the future. He started denying the email and wouldn’t admit it, BUT IT WAS IN HIS INBOX! His excuse was that she was setting him up for a confession letter to take to court to file for adultry. He said she had gone into his inbox, wrote the letter as it was from him and sent to her, so then she can print and bring it to court, because the documents I sent her didn’t have any information that it was from his email or anything…they were just written words. I WILL NEVER EVER BELIEVE THIS MAN! He calls me back after hanging up because I couldn’t take him not telling me the truth just once so I can move on feeling clensed of the lies. He asked me to meet him at my special spot I go to alone when I’m stressed or hurting. I asked him why? He wouldn’t tell me, I told him I will only meet him if he will confess to me that he wrote the letter, loves her, wants her, and is sorry for leading me on. He said he’s not going to tell me what he has to say to me, but it will be something I expect to hear from him, but may not be WHAT I want to hear from him. As I’m sitting here, he just called to tell me good morning and asked if I slept good. I don’t get it. I told him I could meet him at my spot tonight, he then began begging me and telling me I had to meet him, he needs to speak to me. I finally gave in and said fine, but after that I want to forget you, I want you completely out of my life, don’t look for me, don’t try to call me, leave me alone, EVEN AFTER THE DIVORCE…you lost your chance to give me 120% of you, but for 1 1/2 I got only 50%, I cant do it anymore and who knows after the divorce you may still want to get back with her. WE will never know the truth and will continously wonder what he really wants as long as MM is in our lives. I’ll be ok, I know I’ve become a stronger woman after this mess. But it will be hard for me to trust or love another man.

  24. Jen says:

    Hi ladies.
    How is everyone? Just checking… it’s been awhile. I’m finally moving out. Hope all’s well.
    Pray for me k?

  25. Jill says:

    Here I am, at the month after it ended stage. Lots of pain, lots of good memories too.He was seeing at least two other women aswell as being married. Pretty pissed off really. He hasn’t spoken to me since, sad b*****d, told so many lies that he didn’t know what the truth was any more. E mail caught him out in the end, sent me one meant for the other – other woman. He tried to make me take the fall and continue to see her, so,when his wife phoned I told her everything. Treated us all like s***t, got what he deserved in the end. I had the proof that she’d never had before all though she had suspected. He didn’t like that at all. not being able to wriggle free and continue in married bliss. The truth always hurts more than deciet. And the truth about lies hurts most of all.
    Yes, I was hopefull, stupid, in love,married, etc.I do love him, I would speak to him again. I keep telling myself that he was at fault as much as any of us. Feel sorry for his wife, she must have known, yet she can’t do without him financially. hope that she manages to be married to him and get through this. There’s a lot of emotional pain for everyone, not just her. He must feel it too. He got away with it for so long. 10 yearts He admitted to me that he’d managed to blag his way out of being caught once before. he made the woman look mad and stupid. I knew I wasn’t going to let him do that to me. I’d rather look like a complete bitch, He will never forgive me, nor do I want that. I betrayed him, her, my husband and deserve the hurt now.
    Life goes on,Samaritans got me through the first weekend, now I am healing,grieving and staying alive.
    Jill
    Love, well he was my l;over and friend and soulmate for some time. I don’e think that I will ever love anyone in quite the same way. He gave and he took equally. so we’re even I guess.

  26. Jen says:

    Hi Jill.
    It sucks to learn the person you believed to be your soulmate portrayed being everyone else’s soulmate as well. I’m still in process of trying to get out of the same thing, however, I’m not the OW. He has many of them most of the time but at this time, just an obnoxious pain in the ass that he works with who of course has been led to believe I am “just horrible” & “How can he share a home with me!!??” type things. (She has the nerve to call me disrespectful. I thought that one was priceless. But, whatever.) She’s been “in the closet” with him for 14 months. I finally got proof. Sound proof. So, I feel your pain~ this type of thing is just plain wrong & no one deserves to feel used, unattractive, sad because of someone else’s crazy shit & bad decisions. The feelings that come with treating someone so nicely & specially only to learn that they forgot about me the moment I left the room really taught me a thing or 2. I know I could never do that to someone.
    You deserve to be with someone who only has eyes for you & better yet, holds your heart in the highest regard. Has your best interest at heart. Loves you. Shows it. Is honest. Is THERE with you. Respects you. Whom you can trust. A person who doesn’t cause you to ever question yourself, make you feel like you’re being compared to someone else, and wouldn’t dream of lying to you.
    You’re better than settling for some cheater who makes his wife look like hell for his own benefit. It’s really embarrassing being on the other end of that one. Especially when you treat the man like gold. UGH.
    There are no “why’s”, there is no reason for any of the betrayal other than the simple fact that these dudes do it because they can, and because they are bold & selfish.
    The messes they leave behind aren’t usually cleaned up by them.
    So, good luck to you.
    I hope you find someone- or someone finds you that is worthy of your heart.
    It hurts like hell~ I KNOW. But the sooner you get the cheater outta your life & mind, the better off you’ll be. I hated hearing that. Still do, because it’s true & it meant I really DID have to get the man I loved so very dearly out of my life when I wanted to be with him for the rest of it. :( I fell for alot of bs for too many years.
    Hugs & good luck. Enjoy your Sunday…

    J

  27. Jaded says:

    Hi Jill

    Firstly come across to the main forum where you can post your whole story. Click on (or cut and paste the following address.), that way a lot of other ladies have access to your story and they are GREAT supportive women.

    http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=5

    Anyway so sorry that you are in this situation – if only we had known the hurt, we would not have entered into this (or would we?) I believe that this pain and experience will ultimately prepare us for the future, when perhaps we get baited by another MM – I know that I for one will run like hell !!!! Once bitten, twice shy! So you are also experiencing the “serial cheater” – what a particular “beast” he is. This type of man likes to have it all. He loves the attention, the chase, the thrill, the question is “is he capable of intimacy”? We are debating this on the main site so come and join in. This “no contact” business is AWFUL – it hurts but it means that you get through the “fog” of the addictive relationship and in time see the MM for what he is – a loser! Interesting that you say that he was your lover, friend and soulmate. Ask yourself a question – does a lover, friend or soulmate treat you like this. My guess is NO WAY. Ok, you have betrayed your husband. So did I, we are really working hard on our marriage at the moment, it is HARD. Read my posts, you will see that it does get better, when I was told that 3 months ago, I did not believe it for a second. Now I realize it was the truth. Take care.

    Love Jaded

  28. Jaded says:

    Hey Jen

    Your situation also sucks! Am I correct in saying that you are married or involved with such a man who cheated on you? Why not also come over to the main post. We welcome any comments from self respecting women who does not judge another but gives advice and support from their point of view. We also like to help out if we can as well.

    http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=5

    I regret the pain that I caused my xMM’s W. I was just to self absorbed and “involved in the fantasy that MM promised to me” – he made me feel like the most VIP on this earth, until about 10 months later, when I slept with him. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID. I don’t know what I was thinking. These men generally make sure that the W is dependent on them, so she can’t go anywhere, she generally has to take him back. He lies to the OW about his W, his M, his sex-life etc etc. He also has a habit of flying under the radar to limit his exposure.

    “There are no “why’s”, there is no reason for any of the betrayal other than the simple fact that these dudes do it because they can, and because they are bold & selfish.
    The messes they leave behind aren’t usually cleaned up by them”.

    You are 100% in this – they leave the W to sort it all out and the OW to simply disappear (or be waiting in the background!). The women are expected to suck it all up, pick up their shattered lives/ hearts and carry on. This is the rollercoaster that the W does NOT deserve and the same rollercoaster that the OW steps into and then regrets the awful ride with more downs than ups.

    Take care, luv Jaded.

  29. Jen says:

    Thanks Jaded. Support through this is always a good thing. It’s been a looooong interesting road. I’ve learned alot & even dare to say made a few friends through it all that most would say- “You’re friends with HER??!!??” LOL! (Yes, he was a serial cheater & he makes us all rather ill. I get the most bizarre calls @ times…) Have you ever met anyone who felt the need to make up for what she “did to you?” I’ve never seen anything like it…
    Anyway, I’d be happy to come share/support on the forum. Send a link? I lost it…
    I’ve got some cool things to share & update you all on as well. :)
    Take care.

    Jenza

  30. Jen says:

    ps~ It’s good to know people care. You never know how much it can help someone; even if you don’t really know them. This is certainly a tough & touchy topic that really does change lives. I needed to read/see/hear/be told I wasn’t losing it! :) Again, take care.

    J

  31. Jaded says:

    A touchy subject for all indeed and one that causes so much pain. I just get irritated that so often the OW and the W seem to blame each other – forgeting about the COMMON DENOMINATOR ie the MM who generally having the “time of his life”. Herewith the link again. You will find really supportive, intellegent women who are questioning the “whole thing”

    Serial cheaters and NPD go hand in hand, now I know what I was involved with – I should have RUN RUN RUN, but he was just SO charming and so attentive – hell if he had put half as much effort into his marriage it would have saved us all a lot of pain!!!

    Here is the link again. Sign in and join us!
    http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=5

  32. Jaded says:

    A touchy subject for all indeed and one that causes so much pain. I just get irritated that so often the OW and the W seem to blame each other – forgeting about the COMMON DENOMINATOR ie the MM who generally having the “time of his life”. Herewith the link again. You will find really supportive, intellegent women who are questioning the “whole thing”

    Serial cheaters and NPD go hand in hand, now I know what I was involved with – I should have RUN RUN RUN, but he was just SO charming and so attentive – hell if he had put half as much effort into his marriage it would have saved us all a lot of pain!!!

    Here is the link again. Sign in and join us!
    http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=5

    or join us by googling “baggage reclaim forum index”

  33. Vic says:

    Hey

    Im so glad I have found this thread…. I was seeing a guy who is living with someone else. When it started I had no intention of getting emotionally involved. Weirdly there was this AMAZING chemistry between us, something I have never experienced with anyone else before so I fell for him hook, line and sinker. We were seeing each other off and on for 18 months and had got to the point of talking about moving in together and stuff. To cut a long story short, he told his GF he didnt love her and we were looking for flats for him and it was all systems go. Im august we stayed in a hotel while she was away and the intention was that it was the start of our “official” relationship…. however when we left the hotel in the morning it was obvious that wasnt going to happen… he dumped me 3 days later! I was late for period after taking the morning after pill and was a little worried so got intouch with him and told him. he was initally supportive and even paid for a private scan when I had inconclusive pregnancy test results, although I did get the impression tha he was only supportive because he was scared that I was pregnant… 8 weeks after the night in the hotel I miscarried. he called me the day after it happened but he has not contacted me since…. I feel so hurt and used etc and cant believe that he could just walk away and not appear to care about how Im feeling after the miscarriage. I really dont want to feel sorry for myself, but whether I wanted it or not , I still lost a baby… and the man I really love, its all very depressing:(

    sorry , such a long post!!!

  34. Jaded says:

    Dear Vic

    I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. When we get involved none of us ever entertained the idea of getting emotionally involved, but we do, because somewhere along the line we fall in love. Yip the chemistry is amazing, I think it has a lot to do with having an exciting “risky” relationship that is outside the norm. It is an adventure, a challenge, being illicit it is so damn attractive, it is the ultimate “love story” but there is NEVER a “happy ever after” – someone will get hurt. However chemistry can become addictive and so many of us on the site have learnt that before we know it, our relationships have become addictive, self imploding, situations that have left us shattered with little self esteem. The MM on the other hand seems to have the knack of bouncing back and getting on with his life. Losing a man who was so important to you and then losing a child is certainly a very hard thing. I am so sorry for your loss. Did he go back to his girlfriend? Do you feel that he was not being truthful to you? It sounds like you have been on a huge rollercoaster and you need to give yourself time to grieve both losses and to learn to smile again. Go easy on yourself, don’t internalise this and keep posting.

    Jaded

  35. Vic says:

    Hi Jaded,

    Yes, He chose to stay with his GF and she is none the wiser to what has been going on for the last year and a half… Im sure if she found out she would freak out and he would be uncerimoniously ejected from their flat. she doesn’t sound like the sort of woman who would want to continue if she knew! One thing I have learned from this situation is how easily you get dragged into the internal politics of the MMs relationship without even realising it. He would often tell me when she was pissing him off, but I was expected not to have an opinion of her, well at least not verbalise it!! I never said how manipulative she sounded, how unattractive she is ( sorry, that sounds so bitchy and shallow I know). I never said how they appeared to take each other for granted or how fucked up it was that they were still together purely because they are Co-dependent, thats really all thats keeping them together in my opinion! BUT most of all I never said how fucked up it was that He knows all of this but wants to commit to a potental lifetime of it just to have an easy life. I dont mind if he didnt choose me even though it hurts… but I would have respected him more if he had stayed for the right reasons. If he leaves it would make me happy just to know that he would one day have a full and loving relationship rather than a semi-funtional one.

    Vicki x

  36. Mystique says:

    I really need your help to get over a difficult relationship where I am the OW. I just have no idea what to do, as I love him way too much. He and I live in 2 different countries and we’ve been doing this long distance for the last 3 years. I met him here and we had instant chemistry and though we knew what we were doing was wrong, we just couldn’t stop. He was very honest with me and was planning to go back and sort out his life. He had one kid and they were having issues as she was unable to concieve. The issue was that he can never parent a child as he is impotent. The first kid was conceived through IVF and for 3 years after the IVF was not working for a second child. But, things changed drastically a month after we met as she got pregnant. He told me this after 3 months and it devastated me. He had to go along with it and he never was able to leave her then. I went through all the trauma of that pregnancy and nearly lost my mind when his son was born. I know I should’ve ended it then, but I couldn’t. And he didn’t want me to leave him either. As it was long distance, I feel he was able to have the relationship going as well, as it had less pressure. Now he is saying he will never leave his wife as he cannot live without his kids. He is scared that his wife would blackmail him oneday as no one knows that the kids were born through IVF. I dont want him to lose his kids either, but I cannot go on with this life where I am constantly having highs and lows and cannot see a future of us being together. But I just cant get him out of my mind either as I love him so much. He has been absolutely wonderful to me. Should I move on, but how can I not think of him 24/7 if I do so?

  37. Misty says:

    Well, first off, i have to say I am so happy to have found this site aswell. It is so nice to be able to talk with others who can relate and without the harsh judgment. As I am sure you all know, not too many people tend to sympathise with us….. and that just makes it that much harder to deal with alone. So I really hope I can get to know you and make some lasting friendships.

    Mystique, I compleatly feel for you, and as a fellow Other woman, I would strongly advise you to move on. I am not only currently in a relationship with a married man, (of whom I now have 2 children with, and have been with for 8 years) but also as someone who has been the OW in a past relationship as well. Now, why in the hell I got myself into a second situation, I have no idea! Because believe me, after the first one, I wouldnt wish this sort of pain on anyone, not even my worst enemy! I am not a bad person, and I dont go around looking for men who are married, yet somehow I manage to get involved (regardless of great efforts to steer them in the other direction)

    And the feelings I am left with are horrible…… feelings of not being good enouph, of not being worthy of a true loving relationship for some reason. You know, I spend almost every night crying myself to sleep, wishing things could be differnt. But it seems now, I have gotten myself in WAY too deep! Considering we now share 2 children, (and regardless of the situation, he is an exellent father) And I will tell you, I have spent many nights writting up letters to send him and trying so hard to word them just write, but no matter how much I really want to send them, I don’t! I am hoping that by finding this site, I can talk to others and finialy gather up the courage to stand up for myself and tell him I have had enouph. I have told him many times in the past, but I always end up a total mess……crying and all….. so then he basicly he knows he has me where he wants me! I just want to finialy be able to sit him down and tell him (without breaking down) that I can’t do this anymore! Every attempt in the past has basicly led to me being selfish….. and then he tells me he cant talk to me when Im like that… (because I do tend to get a bit hystarical) and then he leaves, only to come back again the next day and pretend nothing has ever happened.

    But anyway, thats enouph from me, for now, I hope I helped in some way. Just please remember, you are worth soooooooooo much more! And if you can get out now…do it! Because believe me, it wont get any easier.

  38. Jennifer says:

    I was wondering what to do if one is caught? I am in a situation where I am in a relationship and he is in a relationship and we are both cheaters. If she finds out – what do I do? If he finds out what do I do?

  39. [...] How to cope with being the other woman [...]

  40. NML says:

    Hi Jennifer, it sounds like you’re in a tricky situation. What you do depends on what you expect as a result of either party finding out. If you’ve been having fun but actually want to save your marriage then this will have a big influence on how you handle things. I will give your question some though and write a post on it this week. The biggest suggestion I have though is that if you are caught, don’t lie and pretend that it’s a figment of their imagination!
    kind regards

    NML editor

  41. Jaded says:

    Hi Jennifer. I was in the SAME situation with you and we were caught by our respective spouses. It was nothing short of horrific. You have to prepare for the worst when it comes to your spouse (or partner) if you get caught. Chances are your marriage / relationship is over OR at best you get exposed, are not trusted in a long time and have to work like hell to get what you had back. Also the statistics are stacked against the OW when it comes to a “proper” relationship with the MM – these relationships DONT last, they are often built on a lie, they are not realist relationships and are highly addictive to both parties. This has been discussed at length by us on the main forum. My advice to you…end one relationship, it is not worth being in two at the same time. The hurt and pain is INCREDIBLE as the OW no matter what the MM promises. You will always be 2nd best with him. Sad but true. Anyway – had I got this advise when I “set out with the MM” I probably would not have listened – he was just so damn persisitant and I thought we are so connected. I WAS WRONG. I SEE THAT NOW. Please know that whatever choice you make, whatever you experience, we are here to listen and support you as best we can!

    Luv J

  42. Debby says:

    Hey all – I was on the other site, but it’s telling me ‘I’m in the wrong place’ — did I miss something? I have enormous updates and don’t know where to post them?!!!

    Thanks,
    Deb

  43. Dee says:

    I have a similar problem and would like some insight as I am going insane at the moment but just can’t let go.

    He is married and so am I, difference is we knew each other before we married. We were an item and something stupid broke us up. Now we have realised we still love each other but he has three kids I have two. And to top it all we don’t even live in the same country anymore so it is long distant.

  44. JD says:

    We’re both married and it’s been one of those cyber deals. He’s a great guy, and we both went into this just for the fun, nothing else. We were good friends for 8 months before we ever developed any feelings.
    I haven’t talked with him in about a week. We’ve gone from friends to cyber friends back to friends. It’s for the best but I miss the extra parts. It kept me from sane with the crazy marriage I am in. It kept him sane but things ramped up and I think it’s over. Maybe for the best. But I am a bit sad and can’t not think about him.

  45. JD says:

    Btw, the crazy marriage is going on for 20 years now in which it started out as me being the OW. So you can make it work and it can last, but now that we’re older, 40’s and 50’s the sass and fire are gone. Lots of nice trust but little communication and due to prostate issues NO SEX. I miss that and I miss talking to someone who actually gave a shit about how I felt. That is exactly how I fell into this cyber deal with a good friend. It is addicting because it’s not physical in the actual sense of the word, but ti’s fairly intense, it’s about the safest sex you can have and still feel naughty and connected. Perfect for the older woman, I did not expect to get caught up with the emotions at my age and the fact he’s built pretty damn good and 10 years younger well I can see how it happened. Add being lonely in a marriage and a younger guy …….. I know I would not break up this marriage but I miss the connected feeling. This is so f*cked up!

  46. Dara says:

    Hello .Ive just logged in and have been reading the various tales. I would appreciate any views and advice, leaving aside the obvious… Perhaps I missed it, but I dont see anyone else in my situation, and I am in great distress.
    I have known M for about 35 years, and although I moved to another country as a teenager we always kept in touch, and when I returned for a vacation I would always see him and his wife who I was also friends with. I never had any feelings for him of a sexual nature but we have always had a bond, which I know was special.
    I can also say that I knew on some level that he had feelings for me, but I was not attracted to him physically, and as we do, I just basked in his admiration. Over the years, it emerged that he was in an unhappy marriage and did not love his wife. He said the first year of his marriage was good. I advised him to leave, saying that it did not help the kids(two boys), and that life was short etc, and didnt both he and her deserve a chance at happiness with others etc etc. I was certainly not thinking about myself in relation to him. He has an overdeveloped sense of duty and responsibility which I see can also be an excuse. He told me in these discussions that he would not leave her for the above-mentioned reasons. (kids, and his sense of responsibility to her).
    Five years ago I returned. After two years his wife stopped calling me and responding to my calls and our friendship effectively ended.
    As a result I saw M more often alone. Three months ago he asked me to a charity ball, as his wife, for whatever reason, decided to go to their villa in ______ for a week with her friends. We had a great time, and as we were driving away I told him to pull over and we kissed. I had been drinking but was cogniscent.(He does not drink). Over the past two years my feelings had taken a new direction regarding him but I buried them, and dismissed them as just me needing male attention.
    Long story short, he confessed that he had had feelings for me since we were 14. I was taken aback at his quick capitulation and willingness to be intimate with me, as he is what is known as a good man.It wrecked my head and naturally freaked me out a bit. Nothing happened that night as we discussed in great detail the fact that our friendship was of paramount importance and that we would both be bereft, if, by entering into this our friendship suffered.This was my decision.
    A month passed with frequent meetings. I found myself drawn more and more to him as our conversations became more intimate, It has always been easy with him and we have always been comfortable with each other.
    I decided to take the next step and since then we have been together quite often.
    He is a successful business man and has taken lots of time out from his work to be with me. He even missed his son’s soccer final(first time apparently).

    We just spent two days in ________ where we laughed a lot. There was also the inevitable meltdown as I realized the depth of my feelings for him, and that I deserve better, and that this is a dead end etc etc..
    Long story short. He says he wont leave her unless she wants to(which is unlikely since although she knows he doesnt love her she is not the type to leave). I know this is a cop-out ultimately driven by fear. He is a most articulate man and is very good at expressing himself(due to his years of dealing with his addiction issues). He said that fear is what has kept him from approaching me. He understands my position and again, a cop-out, has left the decision to me… Who knows if I continue this relationship that he may yet decide that his happiness is worth pursuing, and that the fall out would be worth it to him, but I am not naive enough to believe that he would leave her, and his wide social circle as long as I am available without demands. Why should he? He can have his cake and eat it too.
    I cannot bear the thought of living this cliche. What it may ultimately do to my self-esteem, even though I do know he loves me, and possibly always has.
    Any thoughts would be truly appreciated to help me face the decision which I know I must make. I delude myself that this situation is unique, knowing perfectly well that it is just a variation on a theme. I never expected this, or that I would feel this way about him. The really sad thing is that Im not sure I could see him as a friend if/when I end this.
    Thanks for reading.

  47. GG says:

    Please, ive been up for nearly 4-5 hours reading everything on this blog (that was half!)ome answers for myself, i have been enlightened by your insightful comments and found consolation and a feeling of similiarity in some situations. i have finally decided to word my problem in the hopes of some answers. now need some advice. please
    I met MM only 2 months ago, i was at the place of his work, while i was working taking my elderly people out for recreation… it was very romantic, he looked at me, i looked at him to confirm if he was looking at me, i took an extra eyeful and thought hey he was nice and saw he wasnt wearing a wedding ring, we kept exchanging glances, it was instant attraction, fireworks, sparks, a feeling that doesnt really come around that many times in a persons life.
    He spoke to me and my group for a bit and i asked him how long he’d been doing this job for etc. he told me he was a teacher at the university and has a phd, and that he does this job on the weekends. i was suprised that someone who i liked for what i thought he was ended up being “out of my league”. he appeared a humble person. i went home constantly thinking about him, i even wrote a letter to the place he worked saying how great the staff handled my elderly people.
    I took my elderly people out there again another months time but he wasnt working that day.
    i went again 2 weeks after, this time i took my daughter, i asked for him but they couldnt locate him, i was enjoying the day with my daughter when he came up to me and said that he remembered me with the elderly people, then he waited for me and my daughter finished our sight seeing, i saw him waiting at the kiosk waving me to come join him, i went over and said i have to get us coffee, then disappeared to get the coffee, which i couldnt drink, then he was telling me a bit about himself and even my daughter thought he was cute and appeared interested with his big smile at me lol. upon leaving he gave me his email address as his only contact, i went home and dreamed about him some more.
    Now im a 40 yo attractive divorced (8yrs) who isnt short of attention from the opposite sex but i chose to refrain from dating and chose to study.
    i painfully decided despite friends different opinions that i would email him 3 days later, thanking him for a memorable day, upon which he wrote straight away, and we were writing for 1 week, when he asked me out for lunch (to thank me for the coffee).
    i went out shopping to pick something nice for our first lunch, i was soo nervous i could not speak much and when people did talk to me i could not seem to hear, i was completed taken away with this guy. Anyway He ended up telling me that he is married, i was shocked, he told me he hasnt been happy since the day they married as the first wife died and he made a hasty decision in marrying her considering he had a small child to take care of. He admitted tht he equally felt the sparks from the day he met me, a connection.
    We went out together again and we kissed this time, it was so magic that i couldve cried, we went out another time and he told me that he didnt feel right that he would be a cheat if he continued this, he either has to end it with her first , then contact me when he has cleared his sh…. up. although he said he cannot imagine not being in contact with me, which i couldnt bear either, so we still write to each other but not that much, what is he doing? clearing the way?
    His last email to me was;
    “I am sorry my life is complicated. it would be better if everything could be clear and simpler for us. But it might all work itself out. sometimes it is good to go where the heart leads and take some risks.”

  48. Ilovememore says:

    GG, I read your story with compassion. Wow you guys are really blown away with each other. He sounds like an angel walked in your life but for what reason? Well you say that you chose not to date in favor of studying, that could be one reason. You have a life to live please dont waste it, enjoying life and every waking moment is most important.

    The mail that your MM sent you sounds like he wants to do things right. If that means that you both have to wait then so be it! However the last sentence of his mail is classic of the playboys that most married men are. His heart aint leading him anywhere, his loins maybe! And taking risks in his life means taking risks with your own heart. Self preservation is what its all about! Go have a big bowl of pride for dinner and chalk it up to a happy moment and the reawakening of those feelings that you have kept suppressed for so long.

    Sorry to be harsh, hope it helped! ;-)

  49. waterlily says:

    testing

  50. waterlily says:

    I broke up with a MM after nearly a decade of going back and forth back and forth and leaving him to have other boyfriends only to go back when those boyfriends (for whatever reason) would not work out.

    I was soooo hooked on that MM (like a drug!) and he works right next door to my house so each break up has been misery.

    What I found out in therapy is: I am as unavailable as he is! Ditto his wife. We were all stuck in this unhealthy triangle with no one really communicating with anyone else and no one really happy. (I admit I may be making assumptions here for her that are incorrect). According to him, she is “completely happy”.
    He, however “is not”. (ahem)

    As I started working on some of my intimacy issues in therapy i started demanding more honest conversations with him and I caught him lying to me several times. I was shocked! (duhhhhhh)

    After all, why was he lying to ME?? He had no reason, did he? The lies were small and unnecessary so why even bother? That’s when I began to know the truth about this person: he always lies! He’s a pathological liar and never tells any one the truth about his feelings or anything else. But he is very good at playing like he is in “total control” of his life and acting very “honorable”. The latter qualities(plus his good looks) are what had attracted me to him in the first place! (duhhh)

    People had said this before about him (that he lies) but somehow I had never taken off my rose colored glasses to see this, as I was too “in love” (ahem)
    To me he looked like this “great, family man” (suffering in an unhappy marriage).

    I found it really shocking he would lie. It shook me to the core. I am sure he cheated on me too. I am trying to work on my low self esteem now and stay clear of any new relationships for awhile.

    I feel badly for his wife and the pain I must have caused her. But I also know that she probably believes his lies just like I did. Or maybe she doesn’t. Who knows? It’s not my business!

    It’s my business to stay out of this triangle because it’s so hard to get loose once I am in it. It’s like a drug truly and it causes depression and sadness along with a tiny bit of euphoria.

    But I am free at last!!!!!!

  51. DesertWoman says:

    WaterLily-I’m so glad you’re free! I am too, I have not had contact with him in over 3 months and think I am finally free of this sticky horrible web. Your ex mm sounds so much like mine. Congratulations to us both.

    Take care and stay strong.

  52. Minnie says:

    This article was helpful but it’s so much easier to stand from the outside and say all the things that the “other woman” should do. It’s hard… the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

  53. DeDee says:

    Ladies:
    Thanx for some of the advise. But, #1 – how long did u know these men before the affair started. My MM and I dated fresh out of high school for about 8 or 9 months. I ended it abruptly, without reason. It was the WORST mistake of my life. I did go to him five years later to apologize. I was going thru a divorce with my first husband. We exchanged addresses, but, nothing ever came of it because he thought I had reconsiled with my ex. I always thought about him. My youngest child even has his middle name, just for that sentimental value. At our 20th high school reunion we ran into each other again. He bugged one of the committe members for my phone #, address, anything to get in touch with me because he said he felt there were things that needed to be said and weren’t. I called him after running into the committe member and she told me where he worked. We stayed in touch here and there, emails, phone calls, cards, a few visits. BUT, we never had sex., even when we dated. Seven years ago in one of his letters he stated he wouldn’t leave or divorce his wife. I dropped all contact with him. Then in ’04 he was involved in a motorcycle accident in which he lost most of his left leg. I cried for days hearing this. I was married for a short time my second time, and now going thru a divorce. He recooped from his accident and more or less begged me to come up to visit. We lived one state away at the time. We spent one night together, STiLL no sex. I felt awful, though, as we were more or less both cheating now. I dropped all contact with him again. Then in May of this past year, he calls me out of the blue after 5 years. He stated, he knew something was wrong with me. That he truly believes we are soul mates, as he always felt when things were going terrible for me. (I had just had a hysterectomy a month before and about 2 months before that I was contemplating suicide.) I hesitated on returning his calls or emails, but I truly love this man and HE claims I am the greatest love of his life. Here’s the bad part. AFTER 28 years, I finally gave into to him, mutual of course, and had sex. It was every thing and more, I even cried (the only time I have during sex). He claims that things have gone astray after his accident and he and his wife have grown apart. (HA) I had planned to move back to my home town in August, but, earlier in the year was unsure, then after his call and our meetings it was the push to make me realize how much I did miss my home. NOW I”M MISERABLE. I hate playing second fiddle, but, it’s just weird how fate kept bringing us back together. I asked him the other day, “Have U ever thought about what would happen if you got caught”” He replied “I never really thought about it.” What the F&^^!!!!! Never thought about it? He seems to be very casual about us. Calls me even when she’s around. We talk on the internet, while she’s around. She knows about me from BEFORE they got married. He states, I told her I loved her but will NEVER love her or anyone the way I loved you. I am absolutely a mess. The move is enough to kill me, being away from my kids, grandbabies, friends and everything I knew for the past 24 years, but that was my decision. Now, I’m thinking of telling him, If you really loved me the way you say u do, then, you have to give me a time frame or break it off. He had told me things really have to get bad to get a divorce. I’ve gone thru it twice and am still standing to tell about it.

    PLEASE ladies, give me a little insight to this. I am driving myself nuts by this.

  54. [...] He has a girlfriend or is married – read my post on being the other woman. [...]

  55. [...] of the questions that come flooding in via email, especially since I wrote a post ages ago about how to cope with being the other woman (also see the original), with many hoping their experience is the [...]

  56. [...] This post was originally published back in 2006 and had such a huge response, I had to take it offline as it was causing problems with the server. It’s now been republished but you can see the updated version here: [...]

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!