Being the other woman to a man with a wife or girlfriend is a tricky relationship – I should know, I’ve been there (read my tale on my journey from being the other woman to happiness) and have corresponded with many women in the situation. There are lots of all too seemingly obvious reasons why being involved with an attached man is hazardrous, but if you’re already there, here are my tips for survival:
1. Have your escape route from the affair planned. If you have any sense of self worth, don’t be banking on being the other woman forever. Either get the commitment you want and be the starring role instead of the understudy, or get out. Set a time limit and stick to it.
2. Don’t be burning up energy making empty threats. Sometimes an ultimatum is needed to bring things to a head, but if you have no intention of actually following through – you’ll look like a dipstick and then he knows that he doesn’t actually have to make a decision. An ultimatum is an ultimatum for a reason which means there should only be ONE.
3. Do tell someone about the affair but do ensure that you tell someone who isn’t going to blow the lid on things. Keeping things to yourself will be a big strain emotionally and you need someone who you can confide in, sanity check things with and who will also tell you that you should be doing better. You need to be careful of becoming isolated in the relationship and also being trapped by your feelings.
4. Don’t get pregnant in an attempt to force his hand. The only person you’re ‘trapping’ is yourself. A baby is for life…not for using as a tool to get what you want.
5. Get a life. Don’t make him the focal point of your existence and don’t be afraid to spend time on your own and certainly spend time with friends and family. The better you feel about yourself, the quicker you’ll come to your senses about being the other woman. Also if you make him the focus of your existence, it gives him supreme control and makes you very dependent on him. Not good!
6. Don’t be doing the chasing. How can you be spending so much energy running after a man who is throwing you the crumbs of his attention?
7. Keep it real. You are the other woman, he belongs to someone else, this isn’t a good indicator of how much he can be trusted and he is probably having sex with his girlfriend/wife. This doesn’t mean he loves you – it means he’s greedy, indecisive, cowardly and a cheat.
8. Don’t slag off the girlfriend or wife. It will do you no favours and makes you appear to be jealous and childish. It’s a difficult situation but he is with this person and whatever reason he has come up with being with you and cheating on her, he hasn’t left her and he’s still with her.
9. Don’t turn into a stalker. The moment you feel yourself going off the rails and wanting to follow him, cut up his clothes, follow his girlfriend/wife, hang around at his kids school, fake pregnancies, fake diseases and any other devious or attention seeking carry-on, it’s time to abort the mission and bail out.
10. Don’t cope with being the other woman. Get out and be with a man that isn’t someone else’s. Take off the rose tinted glasses and particularly if you have been with him for an extended period of time, you need to let go. It doesn’t take that long to leave someone and he is emotionally unavailable no matter what he says. If he really did love you, he’d put himself in a position to actually be with you properly. Don’t let him convince you that he is the best you can do for yourself – you are better than playing second best.
Recently added article – Breaking up and getting over married men
Back in part two
For a no holds barred guide to emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them, my ebook Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl gives detailed insight into the complicated dynamics of being the other woman. My ebook The No Contact Rule is now available to buy and provides a dedicated guide to getting over someone by cutting contact and injecting some boundaries into your life so that you can move on to a happier you. For personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service
This post was originally published back in 2006 and had a phenomenal response which caused it to be taken offline to due to big demands on the server. It’s now available if you want to see all of the original 700+ comments.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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I broke up with a MM after nearly a decade of going back and forth back and forth and leaving him to have other boyfriends only to go back when those boyfriends (for whatever reason) would not work out.
I was soooo hooked on that MM (like a drug!) and he works right next door to my house so each break up has been misery.
What I found out in therapy is: I am as unavailable as he is! Ditto his wife. We were all stuck in this unhealthy triangle with no one really communicating with anyone else and no one really happy. (I admit I may be making assumptions here for her that are incorrect). According to him, she is “completely happy”.
He, however “is not”. (ahem)
As I started working on some of my intimacy issues in therapy i started demanding more honest conversations with him and I caught him lying to me several times. I was shocked! (duhhhhhh)
After all, why was he lying to ME?? He had no reason, did he? The lies were small and unnecessary so why even bother? That’s when I began to know the truth about this person: he always lies! He’s a pathological liar and never tells any one the truth about his feelings or anything else. But he is very good at playing like he is in “total control” of his life and acting very “honorable”. The latter qualities(plus his good looks) are what had attracted me to him in the first place! (duhhh)
People had said this before about him (that he lies) but somehow I had never taken off my rose colored glasses to see this, as I was too “in love” (ahem)
To me he looked like this “great, family man” (suffering in an unhappy marriage).
I found it really shocking he would lie. It shook me to the core. I am sure he cheated on me too. I am trying to work on my low self esteem now and stay clear of any new relationships for awhile.
I feel badly for his wife and the pain I must have caused her. But I also know that she probably believes his lies just like I did. Or maybe she doesn’t. Who knows? It’s not my business!
It’s my business to stay out of this triangle because it’s so hard to get loose once I am in it. It’s like a drug truly and it causes depression and sadness along with a tiny bit of euphoria.
But I am free at last!!!!!!
WaterLily-I’m so glad you’re free! I am too, I have not had contact with him in over 3 months and think I am finally free of this sticky horrible web. Your ex mm sounds so much like mine. Congratulations to us both.
Take care and stay strong.
This article was helpful but it’s so much easier to stand from the outside and say all the things that the “other woman” should do. It’s hard… the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Ladies:
Thanx for some of the advise. But, #1 – how long did u know these men before the affair started. My MM and I dated fresh out of high school for about 8 or 9 months. I ended it abruptly, without reason. It was the WORST mistake of my life. I did go to him five years later to apologize. I was going thru a divorce with my first husband. We exchanged addresses, but, nothing ever came of it because he thought I had reconsiled with my ex. I always thought about him. My youngest child even has his middle name, just for that sentimental value. At our 20th high school reunion we ran into each other again. He bugged one of the committe members for my phone #, address, anything to get in touch with me because he said he felt there were things that needed to be said and weren’t. I called him after running into the committe member and she told me where he worked. We stayed in touch here and there, emails, phone calls, cards, a few visits. BUT, we never had sex., even when we dated. Seven years ago in one of his letters he stated he wouldn’t leave or divorce his wife. I dropped all contact with him. Then in ’04 he was involved in a motorcycle accident in which he lost most of his left leg. I cried for days hearing this. I was married for a short time my second time, and now going thru a divorce. He recooped from his accident and more or less begged me to come up to visit. We lived one state away at the time. We spent one night together, STiLL no sex. I felt awful, though, as we were more or less both cheating now. I dropped all contact with him again. Then in May of this past year, he calls me out of the blue after 5 years. He stated, he knew something was wrong with me. That he truly believes we are soul mates, as he always felt when things were going terrible for me. (I had just had a hysterectomy a month before and about 2 months before that I was contemplating suicide.) I hesitated on returning his calls or emails, but I truly love this man and HE claims I am the greatest love of his life. Here’s the bad part. AFTER 28 years, I finally gave into to him, mutual of course, and had sex. It was every thing and more, I even cried (the only time I have during sex). He claims that things have gone astray after his accident and he and his wife have grown apart. (HA) I had planned to move back to my home town in August, but, earlier in the year was unsure, then after his call and our meetings it was the push to make me realize how much I did miss my home. NOW I”M MISERABLE. I hate playing second fiddle, but, it’s just weird how fate kept bringing us back together. I asked him the other day, “Have U ever thought about what would happen if you got caught”" He replied “I never really thought about it.” What the F&^^!!!!! Never thought about it? He seems to be very casual about us. Calls me even when she’s around. We talk on the internet, while she’s around. She knows about me from BEFORE they got married. He states, I told her I loved her but will NEVER love her or anyone the way I loved you. I am absolutely a mess. The move is enough to kill me, being away from my kids, grandbabies, friends and everything I knew for the past 24 years, but that was my decision. Now, I’m thinking of telling him, If you really loved me the way you say u do, then, you have to give me a time frame or break it off. He had told me things really have to get bad to get a divorce. I’ve gone thru it twice and am still standing to tell about it.
PLEASE ladies, give me a little insight to this. I am driving myself nuts by this.
Hi, please use the forum to get personal advice as this comment thread is now closing. Thanks
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