A Note - Due to the sheer volume of comments on the original version of this post, I have had to repost it as the page could not be displayed. Comments will remain open on this post until the discussion board is set up and then they will be closed to prevent slow running of the site. Thanks to the many women that posted on the original.
1. Have your escape route planned. If you have any sense of self worth planned, don’t be banking on being the other woman forever. Either get the commitment you want and be the starring role instead of the understudy, or get out. Set a time limit and stick to it.
2. Don’t be burning up energy making empty threats. Sometimes an ultimatum is needed to bring things to a head, but if you have no intention of actually following through - you’ll look like a dipstick and then he knows that he doesn’t actually have to make a decision. An ultimatum is an ultimatum for a reason which means there should only be ONE.
3. Do tell someone but do ensure that you tell someone who isn’t going to blow the lid on things. Keeping things to yourself will be a big strain emotionally and you need someone who you can confide in, sanity check things with and who will also tell you that you should be doing better.
4. Don’t get pregnant in an attempt to force his hand. The only person you’re ‘trapping’ is yourself. A baby is for life…not for using as a tool to get what you want.
5. Get a life. Don’t make him the focal point of your existence and don’t be afraid to spend time on your own and certainly spend time with friends and family. The better you feel about yourself, the quicker you’ll come to your senses about being the other woman. Also if you make him the focus of your existence, it gives him supreme control and makes you very dependent on him. Not good!
6. Don’t be doing the chasing. How can you be spending so much energy running after a man who is throwing you the crumbs of his attention?
7. Keep it real. You are the other woman, he belongs to someone else, this isn’t a good indicator of how much he can be trusted and he is probably having sex with his girlfriend/wife. This doesn’t mean he loves you - it means he’s greedy, indecisive, cowardly and a cheat.
8. Don’t slag off the girlfriend or wife. It will do you no favours and makes you appear to be jealous and childish. It’s a difficult situation but he is with this person and whatever reason he has come up with being with you and cheating on her, he hasn’t left her and he’s still with her.
9. Don’t turn into a stalker. The moment you feel yourself going off the rails and wanting to follow him, cut up his clothes, follow his girlfriend/wife, hang around at his kids school, fake pregnancies, fake diseases and any other devious or attention seeking carry-on, it’s time to abort the mission and bail out.
10. Don’t cope with being the other woman. Get out and be with a man that isn’t someone else’s. Take off the rose tinted glasses and particularly if you have been with him for an extended period of time, you need to let go. It doesn’t take that long to leave someone and he is emotionally unavailable no matter what he says. If he really did love you, he’d put himself in a position to actually be with you properly. Don’t let him convince you that he is the best you can do for yourself - you are better than playing second best.
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347 responses so far ↓
1 Grace // May 1, 2007 at 6:52 am
~ been there / done that!
in retrospect, the saying i heard many years later, is what i endorse, and would offer as comment:
“If its NOT any good, why bother?, and if it IS any good, you will BOTH be sorry.”
SO: …why go there?
look after yourSELVES.
2 LS // May 1, 2007 at 6:23 pm
Ok ladies, we have a new site since our old one had to be shut down, here is the link and I hope everyone joins so we can keep the support system going for one another! ***************Edited by NML!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!******** Please note that the site is NOT closing and these pages will still be available, you just won’t be able to comment on these two posts!!! The forum is just an additional part of the blog and not a replacement for the site. Thanks LS for posting the message!************
http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php
Everyone please come and join and keep talking!!
LS
3 LS // May 1, 2007 at 6:27 pm
Ladies that were on the old site that had to be closed down due to how many comments we are posting here is the new site that we can go to to continue posting on being the OW
***************Edited by NML!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!******** Please note that the site is NOT closing and these pages will still be available, you just won’t be able to comment on these two posts!!! The forum is just an additional part of the blog and not a replacement for the site. Thanks LS for posting the message!************
http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php
Please come and join this one!
LS
4 Voice Of Reason // May 1, 2007 at 6:59 pm
Hi everyone,
The idea of a discussion board is great NML,
Keep in touch everyone.
Take Care
5 LS // May 1, 2007 at 11:08 pm
Cool, we are back in business and now we have 2 places to vent!
Thanks to NML for all her help. I know this is important to me to be able to talk with you ladies and try and make sense of this crazy situation I am in!!
VoicceOfReason:
What is the latest in your situation? How are you doing??
6 Voice(formerly Of Reason) // May 1, 2007 at 11:30 pm
LS,
Hi, I’m fine. My situation is pretty much the same, we enjoy each other as and when we can, tonight being the last time
. I’m happy with my life, I’m very independent, I’m capable of getting on with my life without him, although I do miss him a lot at times. But as I’ve always said, I have always known where I stand in all of this. makes it so much more bearable.
Take Care
7 Unique // May 2, 2007 at 3:37 pm
Wow, I miss all the ladies. I hope everyone ports over soon.
8 Voice(formerly Of Reason) // May 2, 2007 at 4:03 pm
I really hope everyone makes it over too, me and Walg9e were chatting back and forth on the last page, her situation was really an interesting one. I know Rachel had her email on the other page, but I didn’t get chance to note it before the page went.
After the page crashed I went through the Reclaim home page to find this one, chances are others will too
Take Care
9 waiting // May 2, 2007 at 4:13 pm
I just registered on the new forum page
10 laura // May 2, 2007 at 10:59 pm
glad i found you ladies again. I’m really struggling this week
11 laura // May 2, 2007 at 11:12 pm
can’t get into the new forum for some unknown reason ! Really missing talking to you all.
12 LS // May 2, 2007 at 11:39 pm
Laura:
What’s up? Why are you having a bad week sweetie? I was too on Monday and was absolutely pissed at him all day! Spent most of the night cying and I hate that! Especially cause they can not be there to hold you and tell you it is all going to be ok. I will let SeeTheLight know that we are still posting here too, so she can join.
Laura, how long have you and your MM been together?
Let’s get to talking ladies!!! I know I need it!
13 LS // May 2, 2007 at 11:40 pm
Oh yeah Laura do you have the link to that other page correct??
If not I can send it to ya.
14 Voice(formerly Of Reason) // May 3, 2007 at 1:04 am
Laura,
what reason is it giving you on the forums???
15 Lips Like Morphine // May 3, 2007 at 5:33 am
Hi ladies, It is good to find you all again, I can’t sign up for the discussion board either & I have tried twice. SO much has happenned to me since my last post on the other blog. I will try again. I miss hearing about you all & reading your words. They have helped me so.
16 laura // May 3, 2007 at 10:27 am
LS
We were seeing each other for a year. I broke up with him ten days ago, told him i’d had enough of his complete disregard for me. I’m finding being apart from him a real struggle but i’ve not gave in. He text me the other day telling me how much he loved me and that being with me was the best time of his life, he then went on to tell me he’s leaving his job, which is just one of his manipulation tools he uses when he thinks he’s losing me but i just told him that i hope he finds what he,s looking for. I got a few more texts from him declaring his undying love blah blah blah. I feel really shit today but i still won’t contact him. I know i’ve done the right thing just wish it didn’t hurt so bad.
THANK YOU FOR LISTENING LADIES I’M ALREADY FEELING BETTER X
17 Unique // May 3, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Wow,,,i miss all my friends from the other page and I didn’t get anyone’s email or anything. The page won’t let me back on. Where’s seethelight, miracleiscoming, tina, joanne, nita,,,etc. Gosh it feels lonely without everyone. This is depressing.
18 Unique // May 3, 2007 at 1:31 pm
LS,
why didn’t we get a repost of breaking up with and getting over a mm? Coping with being the other woman is reposted here so they can start over. So there was one group of ladies posting under coping with etc. and another group (us) that were posting under breaking up with and getting over. So coping got a new repost and the breaking up with group got a discussion forum that I have yet to see any of the other ladies on. Also I don’t recognize any of the ladies except you LS. So where are the ladies from our breaking up group. We should have had a repost just like this for our group to. This is frustrating. It’s like trying to find a needle in haystack.
19 Voice // May 3, 2007 at 2:08 pm
Unique,
This one is going to be closed to posting aswell eventually, but I do know what you mean. I’ve got no one’s email from how to cope either, and am missing quite a few people that I used to chat with too.
Take Care
20 LS // May 3, 2007 at 4:00 pm
Laura:
I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough time but am PROUD of you for what you did and that you are remainin strong and not running back to him. That is the key to moving on. Especially after a whole year. My MM and I are coming up on a year and it has been the most rocky year of my life (mind you I was married before!), and I don’t mean rocky as in fighting, rocky as in EXTREME highs and lows that come along with these relationships. I know most of you are in the process of or already have broken up with your MM, I joined the last page because it said “how to cope” which is exactly what I am trying to do. I am not breaking up with MM (yet) but I need women like you to help me deal with the daily stressors of this fucked up relationship and also help me to understand and cope with it. Do you think you will ever go back to your MM? Do you WANT to? Do you think yours will ever leave his wife to be with you? If that is a possibility aren’t you scared of losing him?
I am just curious.
Unique:
We are all we have in this crazy ass situation we are in!!!
I am not sure what happened. I wish we could find a way to get all the other ladies atleast on this one! Maybe the remaining of us should all exchange email addresses in case this one goes down too, so we can stay in touch and be here for eachother. SeeTheLight and I have done that and it has been great to be able to talk with her and help each other with our situations.
Any of you that would like to email me, please do, I am always here to talk, listen, vent my own frustration, etc…..
neeker24@msn.com
21 PrincessLost // May 3, 2007 at 5:55 pm
I was wondering what was going on with the site. For those ladies on “cope-with” I’d love to continue to hear from everyone so here is my e-mail in case this goes down too.
surpriselady2719@gmail.com
By the way - I’m still in my situation with MM and still loving and hating it all at the same time!
22 Voice(formerly Of Reason) // May 3, 2007 at 5:58 pm
Hi Princess,
Good to hear from you. I think we’ll all catch up with each other eventually. My email for here is reasonmail@googlemail.com if anyone wants it.
Take Care
23 PrincessLost // May 3, 2007 at 6:19 pm
I’ve recently gotten my self in a pickle that I don’t know how to deal with.
While seeing what little I can of my MM, I recently met a man that I like and he very much likes me too.
I’ve been completely honest with him and told “New Guy” (NG) about my MM and NG has asked me to leave MM. I know it’s the best thing to do but I can’t seem to do that just yet. NG is single and very able to give me the relationship I want but I’m having trouble letting MM go.
I feel like MM has really been taking steps to change his situation but it’s been almost 9 months and I don’t want to be in the same situation for years.
Now I have a man that is into me and only me and I’m not jumping at it. What’s wrong with me? Am I crazy? Any advice?
24 Voice(formerly Of Reason) // May 3, 2007 at 10:00 pm
Princess,
Talk to your MM, ask him to be straight with you and ask if you have a future with him. If he cannot give you the answer you need to hear from him, then I think it could be a good chance to wind things up with him and explore what could happen with you and your new guy.
Take Care
25 laura // May 3, 2007 at 10:03 pm
LS
Thank-you for your kind words they really do help. I miss him terribly, this is the longest i’ve ever been away from him but i know it’s the right thing to do because i went on gut instinct and knew that it was time to quit and that’t what wil happen to you. You’ve got to feel it and be 100% sure otherwise you will keep going back. That’s what happened to me, broke up with him half-heartedly and was back within a couple of days. I knew the time would come when i would walk away and not look back. He wouldn’t have left her, i guess i just wasn’t worth it. Hard but true. I never wanted him to leave her, like my independence too much, don’t like having to answer to anyone. How could could i ever trust a man that cheats and lies to his wife to who he’s been married to for 20 years? I don’t want to regret him coz’ we had the best times but it’s something that i will never repeat because i’m worth so much more and so are you. In time you will realise this
Hope i was helpful. Take care babe
26 PricessLost // May 3, 2007 at 10:35 pm
Voice,
Thanks for the advice! I actually already talked to my MM and he says he’s leaving soon but can’t give me a time frame. That’s my problem. I’m getting tired of waiting.
I want to believe he’s telling the truth but I don’t really know and I don’t want to let NG go for something that may never happen.
NG is a great guy and I like spending time with him but I don’t feel for him like I do for MM. I guess it’s true “we always want what we shouldn’t have”.
27 Voice(formerly Of Reason) // May 3, 2007 at 10:47 pm
Princess,
You are so right. We do.;-)
I think you need to look at what your MM has said to you. he’s leaving ’soon’ but ‘can’t’ give you a time frame. As you say you want to believe it’s gonna happen, but the statistics are so stacked against it working out for ladies like us.
If you like NG - go for it. Don’t let it pass you by.
Take Care
28 laura // May 4, 2007 at 9:09 pm
Still can’t get registered. Has anyone-else had this problem.
29 NML // May 4, 2007 at 9:16 pm
laura, there is a link on the forum to direct to register, but I have included it here: http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/profile.php?mode=register&sid=dc395d8a3ce93d0c84c0daf26f260e64
Agree to the terms saying you’re over 13, put in your username, email and password and it should sign up. If this fails to work, I will set it up for you but registrations are going through.
30 mae // May 5, 2007 at 2:15 am
I’m in the process of trying to break up with him
right now as I am typing this… I just told him over email and he is not taking it seriously and why should he, I’ve broken up with him dozens of times in the past two years. I’m reading here for strength. I am a married woman for 25 years and he has been married for 30.
Here is what I asked him:
if you want me as badly as I want you
then you WILL give me something to hold on to
you are not mad about me, or else this conversation wouldn’t even be taking place
now tell me right now when we will be together
tell me at what point nothing will stop you
and if you can’t tell me….then I’ll know where your heart really lies
and his reply was:
I gave you two years of honest love
if that’s not enough
nothing I ever say will be sufficient…….
make your decision, babe
I’ll say no more than I’ve already said
I trust you
your call now, hon
and what he has already said is he wants to be with me and he wants me to wait for him, but he can’t tell me how long, he has an 18 year old he is trying to get off to college….anyway, I am breaking up with him right now.
and I’ll continue to come here for support and to tell others some more of the story.
31 NML // May 5, 2007 at 8:49 am
Mae, this comment was one of the first in my inbox this morning and his reply had me seething that I felt I should respond. Who is this assclown? Your email sounded pretty clear to me and he responds with that wishy washy BS?!
Let me tell you something Mae - I have been the other woman. He wasn’t married but he might as well have been and he came out with the exact same crap. The vagueness of his response and the type of response he has given let’s you know in no uncertain terms that he is not taking you seriously and he has no intentions of changing a damn thing. That’s all you need to know to send you running a mile in the opposite direction!
32 Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married Man/Attached Man » The guide to single living, dating, relationships and of course, man taming. // May 5, 2007 at 9:01 am
[...] Read the stories of women who have played your role of The Other Woman and realise that your situation is not unique, most of [...]
33 ChasingBtrflyz // May 5, 2007 at 1:43 pm
Hello,
I am grateful to have stumbled upon this site. Divine intervention maybe…. I just registered on the new forum and I look forward to chatting with “other” ladies who can relate to my situation. Finally a voice for the voiceless! Thank you.
34 Voice // May 5, 2007 at 3:26 pm
Mae,
The guy is a total b*stard, he is deliberately putting the ball in your court, so it is YOUR decision to stick with things and put up with him treating you this badly,
He isn’t going anywhere, at least not with you. Why would he change anything??? he’s got you doing what he wants. His email back was thoughtless and manipulative. He deosn’t give a damn. See it for what it is and kick him into touch.
Being the other woman, doesn’t give him the right to treat you this badly,
Take Care
35 Voice // May 5, 2007 at 3:40 pm
Also Mae,
When the guy says he ‘cannot’ give an exact time to leave his wife,. Or says he can’t leave because of his kids then to be totally truthful I can’t see him ever leaving.
Using the kids as a reason is endless, it’s a perfect excuse. They’re either too young and won’t understand, or they’re a bit older but at a ‘difficult’ age and will find it hard to cope with a split. Or they’re older and need help with learning to drive or going to college or work etc etc etc. There will always be something. I bet the chances are when they’re at college, then it will be. I’m sorry I can’t leave until they’ve finished cos a split might damage their education….. It all amounts to the same thing, excuse after excuse to not be with you. I don’t have kids, but the excuses I’ve read on here are all the same, all the time
Maybe not everyone understands this, But I’ve always known that my MM will not leave his wife, in fact it is one of the first things he told me, but believe me it is so much better to know his intentions, than to be strung along with cr*p promises that never come to anything.
Take Care
36 PricessLost // May 7, 2007 at 4:04 pm
I agree with Voice! He isn’t going to leave! And we all deserve better!
I thought I could play the OW role but I’ve come to see that I’m NOT cut out for it!
I can’t handle the not knowing and not being able to plan for the future. Even the near future.
I’m out! I can’t take this and things are WAY TOO complicated now!
Wish me luck in sticking to my guns and makeing a clean break!
37 LS // May 7, 2007 at 4:47 pm
ChasingBtrflyz:
Tell us your story, we are all here to listen and to help as much as we can!
Mae: That guy sounds like a reall asshole and saying that it is up to you? WTF! He means it is up to you if you want to wait around and be the OW or not right? What does your heart tell you to do??
38 Thoreauhappiness // May 7, 2007 at 7:27 pm
~couldn’t help but think of Thoreau quote when saw ChasingBtrfyz name…
“Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it the more it will elude you but if you turn your attention to other things it will come and sit softly on your shoulder”
well, if we equate a loving relationship to happiness… I’ve found this little philosophy to apply to more than just relationships, so it holds water for me, I like it very much.
In fact, one of the most wonderful qualities my relationship to the MM I’m involved with is sharing of literature. It’s also one of the qualities I droped of my own free will, but obviously missed and deep down, like about myself.
My stories a little different than those I’ve read, but I’m sure a least one person can relate… I’m dealing with age difference of 15 years. He’s older. Both of us married, same amt of years, 12 - both of us have 2 kids around the same age. In fact, that’s where we met. Then over some business dealings, came to know one another & good ol’ intellectual attration set in… We spanned the globe initially with all sorts of topics in our conversations, he inspired me so much~ you know all those great chemicals kicked in! His wounds, warts and idiosyncrisies were so exposed, he allowed himself to be open… I started to see parts of myself in him I could identify with - mirroring I suppose. What started happening next, is I started to give myself a break for these things, be less critcal, etc. Through compassion, empathy and understanding of him, I found a way to give it to myself. All of this goes without saying there’s an insatiable desire to sexually be inside each other all the time! Days to weeks, to months, to year’s later… I’m ashamed to admit. I’ve gone through several breaking it off times… never to completely follow through… Our ambivelance about our own marriages keeps us from having any real relationship with anyone, despite our feelings to the contrary. At one time I’d suggested he leave her, I was leaving mine, so he had to make up his mind too. He wouldn’t, couldn’t… part of which I understand for I am have felt that way at times too. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever leave mine? What I’d do if he left her?
Lately I’ve been thinking maybe we’re both just massively inept at having an intimate relationship with anyone. Our own fear of intimacy has guided us to where we’re at… Then I think, ok, so just have an affair for the rest of your lives… then, “god, what am I saying!”
I may come off as being “well adjusted” to this position ot being the other woman and he, the other man, but really, I am NOT! It’s eating away at me knowing how deceptive I am being to those I claim to love… It makes me feel bad about myself on so many levels I can even begin to make a dent in it! How could this possible be even close to a soul mate with any sort of spiritual fate when I feel so rotten inside.
I think deep down inside, I do want him. That makes me feel stupid, ashamed, guilty, along with, unworthy, not enough and unattractive! Why else would he no leave her!!!!!!!!!!! pathetic is how I feel.
Anyone relate to that spew?
39 ChasingBtrflyz // May 8, 2007 at 4:38 pm
LS:
I’m in the process of trying to get my story out. It’s rather long and a bit out of the ordinary but, I am working at it. Thanks for making me feel so welcome.
Thoreauhappiness:
I often times use the quote… “Happiness is like a butterfly, it settles on you when you least expect it.” But, I like your quote better. Yes, I can relate and there is a name for what we are all going through…. sometimes termed as “The Mistress Syndrome.: Another term is “Single woman-married man syndrome” and there is a book out about it. Just google the latter term and it will pop up. That’s how I found this wonderful site.
I’m not sure if I should post my story here or on the forum yet. Maybe both? I dunno! lol.
In the meantime, I wish you all well.
40 LS // May 8, 2007 at 5:34 pm
Thoreauhappiness:
Wow, what a story, it just goes to show ME that no matter what age you are and what situation you are in, in life that anyone woman can be as tormented and confused as me and also wind up in the same situation of being the OW. You were both married, had kids, etc… Me I am young and unmarried with no kids, my MM is older by 15 years, has a child and now here I am being the OW for almost a year. How long has your relationship gone on with this man? Why have you both not left your spouses? I am equally ashamed of my situation, ok maybe not ashamed but it’s like how long can I go on being the OW. I love my MM very much and I know he loves me tremendously but still how long can I go on like this? He has told me that the only reason he is staying is because his child is so young and that I can understand I would never want anyone to abandon their child just for me. What kind of man would that be? I mean I know he is not perfect cause look at what he is doing already……….But the relationship we have is the most incredible thing I have ever experienced and not just the physical part (of course that is amazing too) I mean everything about him and I. We are so compatible and have so much fun together. I wonder how the hell he can still go home every night and not be with me? I have no guilt about any of it and never had cause I know the history of his marriage and how his wife treats him. Sorry to be so mean, but she totally had it coming. ANYWAY, I don’t know how anyone deals with being the OW and how to get through it, that is why I post on this site. Maybe to get some advice, insight and mainly just to hear how other OW get through it and get through each day. That is all I can do, take it one day at a time cause I have NO IDEA what the future holds for me……..
41 Voice // May 8, 2007 at 5:54 pm
LS,
I don’t have kids so maybe I’m missing the point, but he doesn’t have to ‘abandon’ his child in order to leave his wife. Plenty of people the world over with children split up, and sort everything out. To me, it seems that he can still have a meaningful relationship with his child. And be with you into the bargain.To do that doesn’t make him any less of a man. There’s no reason why he can’t end his marriage if iit is that bad, and still be there for his child I suppose I’m just reinforcing my earlier comment of children being the perfect excuse to stay, even if it is in a cr*p relationship.
I’m sure he does love you tremendously, but at the end of the day,if it’s not enough for him to be with you, then what is???
Take Care
42 LS // May 8, 2007 at 6:17 pm
Voice: I understand what you are saying to a point and I appreciate your honesty. It is not that he thinks he will be abandoning his child or that I think that, he does not want to go from being with his child everyday and being able to tuck him in at night to an every other weekend and a few times during the week Dad. Does that make sense? I know his love for me will never be more than the love he has for his child and why would it? His first priority is to be a father and I don’t feel like I can tell him to not do that. If his child was older I would probably feel much different. I also have different feelings on this due to my experience with my father. He did abandon me and my mother, granted the situation was much different, but he did and I know how that felt growing up to not have your dad be around at a young age and it was hell. I don’t want to be the cause of those feeling to his child. Nor would I want him to grow up resenting me and not being able to have a good relationship with me because of that either. Do you see my point of view or is it still stupid and an excuse?
43 Lara // May 8, 2007 at 6:46 pm
LS,
Ok so many levels…….
It begs the question that if he wants to be a full time dad instead of a part time one, then what is he doing messing around with you in the first place. Too many guys and women for that matter think that when they cheat they only cheat on their partners, what so many fail to realise is that they are cheating on their kids too. He is jeopardising his full time dad status every time he risks being with you. He simply shouldn’t be gambling with his relationship with his child unless he is prepared to lose it, should he ever get found out.
Also I’m not suggesting at all, that his relationship with his child isn’t his first priority, but you have to consider that if he won’t leave because he is unable/unwillling to separate from his wife, then where does that leave you. Considering that there is NEVER a good time to leave when there are children involved, then are you looking at a very long & lonely time just waiting in the wings.
And while I would never belittle your past, and unless he is taught that you are the cause of any potential break up, why would he resent his dad being happy with someone? As I said previously, plenty of well adjusted children live in families where the mum and dad have separated and gone on to marry other people.
44 Thoreauhappiness // May 8, 2007 at 8:28 pm
thx for the great reading. I sure appreciate the emotional intelligence expressed and the efforts made to grasp “it all”
~to answer some of the questions re my situation and to expand on it - I’ve been with my MM intimately for a year and a half. After about 5 years of making an effort to improve my communication within my own marriage, find it meaningful and change myself, I ran out of energy to try anymore. I literally felt it the morning I woke up and it was no longer there, that desire to keep trying. Then my focus became what to do if I leave, the kids, how to “make it all work” - foolishly/irrationally hoping that it could all happen without “too much hurt” - then, realizing that isn’t possible… Another one of the many “hooks” I have with my MM is that when we first started talking, we shared a lot about our fractured marriges, staying for the kids, the fear of ending our lives with great regret, etc. I’ve always “been further along” with emotional detachment from my family than he. I’ve had to confront my own childhood wounds that I’ve carried with me from my own parents divorce. Those feelings are huge roadblocks to ending it. I have to remind myself over and over again, that just because it was my experience, doesn’t mean it has to be theirs.
My head believes that in order to truly be a good parent, the parent has to be able to express their genuine self, otherwise, you’re robbing your children of your truth - your also setting them up to repeat your pattern, knowing somethings wrong, but acting like it’s okay invalidates their experience of the situation, including healthy intuition.
So despite the fact that I too am married, I still identify with those of you who aren’t because emotionally I’ve left my marriage. AND, I can relate to and empathize with him as to why he cannot leave his! My truth is that if he left, I would. He’s said all those same things the married men have said to you all about leaving… I’m afraid to let go of what I want it to become and turn towards the rationale of what it is now. For as soon as I allow for it to take root, I’m afraid that’s the direction or form it will then take on. -ALL OF THOSE THINGS THAT VOICE HAS SAID IN PREVIOUS EMAILS… those are the things that on one level I know to be true, but can’t allow myself to accept it. Part of it too has to do with guilt re cheating in the first place ie, if it was for love, it’s more honorable that if it ended because there wasn’t love.
Also… this MM is know by my spouse and all of our friends. I know his spouse and we’re all often circualting in the same circles -our kids play together too! I keep my horse at the same place as him, just next to his house so I see them playing house together all the time & it makes me sick!
Thinking about this all is making me sick right now - sometimes I get so confused and wonder if I’m creating realities based on f’d up projections…
will someone please send me to the moon!!!!!!!
45 Voice // May 8, 2007 at 10:33 pm
I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to see them playing house. I don’t think I could deal with it. I know my MM’s wife, and have spent time talking to her, but if I’m totally honest,although I rarely see her I try to avoid her as much as I can. I feel really awkward when the 3 of us have occasion to be in the same situation.
Again, I don’t have kids, but I really don’t agree with the whole staying together for the sake of the kids scenario. As far as I feel right now, a child deserves two happy healthy parents, eventhough it may not be together. However noble it may seem to stay for the kids, it must surely only lead to resentment in the long run as the gulf between mum & dad gets wider with time. The relationships between a husband and wife, and between parent and child are completely separate and can be sustained independently. To say it’s not possible is a cop out in my opinion.
Take Care
46 LS // May 8, 2007 at 10:49 pm
Voice:
I hear what you are saying totally BUT with that being said I do not think that him telling me he is staying for his child is a cop out or a lie. I know how dedicated he is to his son. And I know the history and story of his marriage so I KNOW that he is not there for her. I ask him all the time if he loves me so much why can’t he be with me for real. Trust me I do and I have also made it clear to him that I will not wait around and be the OW forever. I am too young and have too much ahead of me to do that. BUT how long is too long and have I already wasted too much time?? I tell him that I personally think it is worse for a couple to stay togther just for the child and fight constantly and be a terrible example of a loving couple. So maybe he is just too afraid to leave, I don’t know. And I know he is already jeopardizing all that just by being with me and he knows that too, he is terrified that his wife will find out before he can end it himself. I don’t know what to think. Now you have me wondering again about if I should even waste my time at all……
47 Voice // May 8, 2007 at 11:29 pm
LS,
The cop out bit was just my opinion, nothing else, and not specifically refering to any situation on here….
Statistically speaking it is said that if he’s not left by 6 months of being involved in an affair, then forget it, cos he’s never leaving.
Children are just such a pull though. My MM has 2 grown up girls, they mean so much to him, and he would never want them to feel disappointed in him. Men are as a rule very loving when it comes to having children. I know they maybe aren’t expected to show that, but they are.
It’s difficult to understand a situation through a PC screen sometimes, but if he is so terrified of his wife finding out before he can end it himself, then what is he waiting for???? he should tell her if it is genuinely his intention to leave
Sorry I got you wondering…… Take Care
48 Thoreauhappiness // May 9, 2007 at 12:17 am
In the spirit of supporting a fellow comrad/sister, because sometimes you’re not always going to like what you hear… and believe me, I don’t want to come off as the blind leading the blind here…
I can remember before I had my own children, watching how some of my friends parenting their kids & thinking “there’s no way in hel- I’d….” etc. fill in the blank. Then, I had my own kids and I thought back about how harsh I’d been on those friends in the past… so, there is a bit of credibility that having been there done that provides.
Children are a pull, it’s maternal and paternal instinct in my opinion. I think it’s always best if parents are able to be themselves and model a loving relationship together that they stay together for the kids. Assessing what probable outcomes of a divorce are going to be and how much stress that places a parent under is crucial. I know for me, my mother was suddenly struggling to keep her head above water & I had to drop my childhood and become a mini adult, taking care of things… If both parents claim to love their children as much as they say they do, then why would they want to expose them to a f’d up idea of what being married is? My MM always say’s “yeah, but we’re not as bad as you guys, we don’t openly fight & agure in front of the kids”… go figure? If he were to say the opposite, I’d have a really hard time, it puts you in one heck of a position. If you say leave, it’s healthiest for the child, you risk coming across as tying to meet your own needs.
I do know this, because it’s operating this way within my own marriage. MM have created two separate lives in a way. They have to continue to maintain their relationships as if the other does not exist. Repression, selectively leaving out details and downplaying (to say the least) enjoying their company is a way of splitting, it get’s really crazy, believe me.
Not to sound cynical either… but, on some level, I just think we can’t believe what any MM is telling us about their relationships with their wives, soley based on the fact that their able to actively be deceiving on a long term basis. Let’s face it, whenever you meet someone new, there’s always the opportunity to recreate yourself, share those parts that you want the other to know and leave out the rest…
I heard it was 3 months, not 6. That if they haven’t left by 3, they never would.
We’re all “wondering” and we should be… that’s the burden we bare when we’re participating in these relationships with MM. We’re CHOOSING this burden, why are we? Just what’s the payoff? Will someone please remind me?
I just saw my MM. He keeps saying he misses me. I pretend to be busy, “gotta run”… Finally gotten to the point where at least half of me believes I can draw the line and end it… working my way into it. I’ve tried to end it so many times, I’ve lost any credibility so I just don’t say anything anymore and hope to create as much distance possible. just dread the idea of trying to hold back when we’re alone so I’ll avoid that too!
49 LS // May 9, 2007 at 12:41 am
Thoreauhappiness:
I understand all of your points and take it to heart especially since both you and your MM have kids. Everyone’s recent comments now have me wondering and really questioning my MM and maybe also is he really being honest with me about his intentions? It is like you said, how can we really believe what they are saying while they are actively decieving their wives, friends, etc….. That is a good question. Maybe I need to ask my MM that exact question. Why not? I have been with him for almost 1 year now, so are you guys telling me that I am doomed to be the OW forever and that since the 3 or 6 months has passed he is never leaving??? HELP!
50 Karina // May 9, 2007 at 12:58 am
LS, my ex-MM used to tell me that one of the reasons he was still in his M was the kids. Both were in their mid 20’s at that time and one of them already M. Lady, you are wasting your time. Sorry to say this, but I have been in your shoes for a long time and it’s not going to happen. He is not going to be with you the way you hope. Think about your chances to meet someone who would love the opportunity to love you: the odds are higher when you are younger then when you are old, wrinkled up and out of shape and the only guys still single are looking for women 15 years - 20 years younger than they are. Don’t waste the best years of your life as someone’s side kick. Unfortunately for you, you will not take my advice. You will only leave him when your mind and heart had enough. I know, it took me 5 ½ years to say no more. Take care.
51 Thoreauhappiness // May 9, 2007 at 3:38 am
I too believe you’ll leave him when your mind and heart have had enough. Most change happens because to not change has become unbearable, the only way to find relief, is to move on and change. In fact, I just read somewhere that it’s our resistance to change that causes us such great suffering. We become attached to an emotion, a feeling and we want it to last forever… but that’s impossible to maintain the exact combination of feelings you have at any one moment in time…
Another thing that I remind myself… I am making a decision, even though it feels as though I’m not. It’s making a decision by default… whatever happens isn’t because I’m actively participating in my life, it’s happening because of the decisions being made by other people about their lives - what happens between you and them just happens to be a bi-product of their own decision making, not yours. Right now, even by saying you’ve chosen you’re situation, I bet you’d feel more empowered… like voice, when she said she was with a MM, but she full well knows the heartache involved & I can only hope and admire that she not be deluding herself. It’s important to remain empowered so that we not make choices out of need or desperation. (which also consequently are major ways to send men running) If you remain empowered enough to claim what’s your’s, remain true to your identity, and advocate for your dreams relentlessly, you will come to see what your truth is. You have to live your truth (that is to honor your feelings, be your own best friend, protect yourself like you would a child)
sorry ’bout that, kina went off… you can see I’ve projected & ruminated over these issues a lot…
I keep hearing the age thing come up… For me, I’ve decided age doesn’t matter as much as “stage”… Seems to me, there’s kina these universal stages we go through in adulthood. The pre marriage, baby, security building stage, teenager’s & reintroducing yourself to the world, post children awareness of greener pastures & then the calling towards what I think to be spiritual fulfillment & I’m not talking about a religion. Point is, if you can be in those stages together, I think it works best.
I think we should always think of ourselves as students, if we don’t know answers or wonder why things are the way they are, IT’S OKAY TO ASK.
If you’re young, never been married or had children… seriously consider if this is the man you can see yourself doing that with? Maybe he’s just the right man for “this” or maybe he’d be the right man when you’re old… but not at this stage.
Be grateful for his gift however… the gift of deeply loving someone so much it hurts to not be near them. It doens’t come along often, but it doesn more than once, I can assure you. Now you know a little bit more of what you’re looking for and how you want to feel in a relationship with someone.
I support where you’re at right now! You stay here for as long as you need to. If you had a daughter, what would you want for her & maybe that’s a start for you… hugs to you, I feel your pain. Be a woman you think you’ll be proud of at the end of your lifetime.
52 Voice // May 9, 2007 at 7:15 am
LS,
It’s not to say that you are doomed to be the other woman forever, but if you want anything to change, you have two choices. One is to walk away knowing that the odds of coming out of this situation the winner are stacked against you. The second choice you have is to try and force the issue. Yes you should ask him about his intentions, cos until you do, he has no reason to change the sweet little set up he’s currently got going. I agree with Karina that an MM with kids is unlikely to go anywhere. If you think about a child, there are so many milestones in it’s life right from starting pre school and up to getting married and having a child themselves. The reasons to stay for the kids are endless.
In answer to your post Thoreau. I’m not under any delusions. I know exactly where I’m at with regards to my situation. A bit of history to me as It was on the old page. Years ago I was married to guy who left me for someone else. Back then I was so angry with the other woman, and swore I could never do that to another woman(get the irony in that). I know what it’s like to be the wronged wife & the other woman. I think this gives me a pretty good abilility to deal with my situation. I’ve long since said that I’ve always known my MM isn’t leaving his wife, and I respect him immensly for his honesty right from the get go. We have an arrangement which suits us both. We both get the intimacy we want. He and his wife don’t have sex anymore, and when we got together I liked him but essentially just wanted the sex without the hassle of commitment
A big part of these kind of set ups is control. If you sit back and let an MM be everything in your life, getting down about not being with him and obsessing about what he’s up to when his not with you are all part of that and make for a miserable life. Taking control of being the other woman is empowering, and puts a whole different spin on how you are able to deal with it.
I KNOW my affair will end eventually, could be for so many different reasons. We could get found out or I could meet someone as my MM won’t share me, or finally I could get fed up with the role I’m playing, it’s so important to remember it is JUST a role . Yes there is plenty of heartache involved with being the other woman. Although it’s not that often I have days where I feel down, I do get them. But then I think about the fact that as much as I love him, he is not the be all and end all of my life, I can function without him , I have friends and a life away from him.
From my point of view, I think it is all about attitude towards the situation. I’m nobody’s fool and am just enjoying the things while they last.
Take Care
53 Thoreauhappiness // May 9, 2007 at 3:34 pm
quick- I haven’t re-read my comment with you in mind voice… but my intention was to say exactly what you just said - that you have NO DELUSIONS, I admire you for NOT having them, it’s not always easy when we fall for someone… I 100% agree with your points!
54 Voice // May 9, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Thoreau,
Sorry if i sounded like I was bitching, I wasn’t. I’ve just never seen any point in sugar coating what I have. In fact I think I cope so much better with the whole thing by just calling it as I see it. I think it’s so unfair that some people promise the world and have no intention of delivering. It’s a cruel and manipulative way to keep a hold of someone. I’ll take the honesty of knowing where I stand over empty promises every ttime.
Take Care
55 Karina // May 10, 2007 at 3:35 am
Voice, I hope you are happy. I have been thinking about you a lot, you are the reason I usually post here. You remind me of me. We are probably close in age also. (I’m 35). My ex-MM was 25 years older than me and, like you; I have also been married before. I live in the US, but I am European, so I think of you as sort of my alter ego. I wish you the best and I hope love will bring you all the joy in the world, if not this one, the next one. My mom used to say: “If not him, someone better”. Just promise me that you will keep your options open. Love u girl!
56 Voice // May 10, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Hi Karina,
Thank you for your kind words, I am happy and enjoying my life as it stands. I do try to live my life as best I can, although if you asked me a few years back if I would of thought myself here, then the answer probably would of been no. I love my MM but know it’s not for keeps, so I get out with friends and am open to meeting someone as and when, so I think the opportunity is there for something else to happen.
I always believe that things happen for a reason whether it be good or bad. There is a reason as to why my MM came into my life, he changed my outlook on so many things and I do think I’m a better wiser person for it. And I also believe that I have made him happy. We are great friends as well as lovers, In the future I would hope that I could still be a friends with him, but time will tell on that…….
Take Care
57 PricessLost // May 10, 2007 at 8:02 pm
I made a break and was doing quite well keeping to it till yesterday!
The wife called me at work and told me she’s ready to let him go if that’s what he really wants. But she wanted the lies and deception to stop and so she thought she’d call me and tell me so that we could both talk to him about all this. WOW!
We, she and I, decided to meet for coffee last night to talk to him and have him make this decision as we are both tired of the situation. She tired of his lies and I tired of waiting. As luck would have it…it didn’t happen last night because of one thing or another (safety issues for both of us). I didn’t want to meet in private and we couldn’t think of a place to meet and have this discussion.
In talking to her for 2 and a half hours yesterday, over the phone, I found that their stories don’t match. I can’t be sure who is telling the truth! I can think of NO better reason than this to get OUT! I haven’t heard from him at all today. I want to know if he knows about our conversation and if he really wanted to be with me like he says, why hasn’t he called me or come over. Shouldn’t he be happy to finally be out of this?
Voice was right…they have no intentions of leaving their cozy nest they’ve made for themselves. Why choose one when you could have two? I just wish he hadn’t promised to leave her and hadn’t filled my head with the idea that we would be together one day. How can someone be so cruel? Why?
I’d appreciate any advice, I’m so confused!
58 laura // May 10, 2007 at 10:54 pm
The only one here who isn’t telling the truth is HIM. Think about it, he’s spun some whoppers to the both of you to keep himself safe. Don’t you think you would have heard from him if he really was leaving her. I’m sorry i seem cruel with my words but i tell it how i see it, experience with my x mm has taught me a lot, they lie constantly in order to keep both of us sweet. I know how it may be hard for you to believe right now but you’re worth so much more than this shit, don’t let him have the choice, i know it’s so hard but walk away, don’t waste your life on his broken promises. What he’s doing is cruel and totally unfair, just leaving you the way he has is awful. I’m sorry my words seem so harsh but i’ve been where you are and it’s torture, a complete head fuck. I wish you all the luck in the world. Keep me posted
TAKE CARE BABE X
59 Voice // May 11, 2007 at 7:33 am
Princess,
Call his bluff, tell him you’ve spoke to the wife. Tell him everything that the wife told you about being sick of the lies and wanting it dealt with. You don’t have to wait anymore. Let him know that it’s all ok now and you can finally be together. This is the real make or break to the situation, if he really wants to be with you then the way is now clear for that to happen. But if he makes any more excuses, like it not being that simple, things to tie up etc etc, then that should really give you your answer.
His delay in contacting you, could be because he knows about the wife talikng with you, and doesn’t know what kind of mood you’re gonna be in.
Either way, don’t wait, as I said this is an ideal way to test his intentions towards you.
Take Care
60 ChasingBtrflyz // May 11, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Hello Ladies,
I’m having one of those days and needing to vent before I blow a gasket. And, I wanted to weigh in on some of the above topics….
But first, long story short…. (I’ll be adding the longer version to the forum… http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php?sid=6f74bf5f32ca24c7a6107a5deb1eb020) for your viweing pleasure, lmao!)
I met my MM a little over 4 years ago. He broke my heart on more than 1 occasion. Why I stuck it out, I’ll never really know… blind faith, stupidity, eternal optimism??? Your guess is as good as mine. We all have our reasons, right?
He separated from his wife 15 months into our affair. Though, he isn’t the one who initiated it. (and to be honest, I never pushed it.) Turns out the wife was cheating too and I guess her OM talked her into leaving. At any rate, the marriage was over and I breathed a sigh of relief. During that first 15 months I bought into the lies, the broken promises, the vacations, the anniversaries, and the holidays spent alone. Though, he certainly had his own life and was living it to the fullest. All the while I waited quietly in the wings. During the first 3 months of their “separation” they continued to live under the same roof and play “happy family” until she could find a suitable apartment. By the way, he was way too involved with “helping” her during this time. They also continued to have sex (unbeknownst to me of course.) When she finally moved out I thought everything would be resolved and we could start planning our life together. (After all that’s what he said he wanted.) He continued to keep me a secret. Even though she was living her life as the true whore that she was/is, out in the open! She would call and need something….. a clothes line hung up, oil change for her car, moving furniture, etc. And he would always rush over to pitch in. Needless to say I totally disapproved and was very vocal about it. I was told to stop being selfish, that he was only doing these things for her because the kids (they have 2) benefited from it. Uh, BULLSH*T, seeing as SHE left her own kids behind in favor of herself! You ladies all know what I’m about to say is the truth…. you get a feeling that something just isn’t quite right. You can’t put your finger on it and you have no proof but…. you can feel it down to your core. Maybe because we’re there when they call wifey, acting like the faithful husband. We listen to those lies they spin and we get to know the signs that we’re being lied to as well. Past behaior is a pretty good indicator of present and future things to come, I’m sure you’ll all agree.
It was this gut instinct that led me to pick up the phone and call wifey. I had her number because I was tossing his phone records. (The things we’ll do to find out the truth and let’s just say that I’m VERY inventive!) I introduced myself to her and told her that I hoped we could all get along and find a way to co-exist peacefully. She hung up on me and 5 minutes later he called. How dare I make a call to his wife! That’s what he said to me. We argued, I told him that I knew something was going on but, he denied any and everything. He hung up on me and gave me the silent treatment for 3 days. When he did finally call, he told me that he told wifey all about me. He continued by telling me that they had recently had sex. I was beyond devastated. I ended things immediately. The ensuing stress caused me to lose my job and the support of several of my closest friends. He kept calling me, e-mailing me, begging for a second chance. I was so angry and hurt, all I could do was drink and sleep, sleep and drink. When I did finally take a call from him, he was crying and begging my forgiveness. I would not give it to him. Though, we did keep talking…. mostly about my anger with him. He said he would do anything to make things right between us. Maybe because I felt that I had lost everything else, I had this fear of losing him. I really don’t know. I gave him one more chance WITH STIPULATIONS. I told him that he was to have no further contact with her. No phone calls and no face to face contact and that he was to file for divorce immediately (this is the first time I ever made any demands.) He readily agreed. I told him that it would take time to get things back to where they were. He told me he was willing to do whatever it took. I explained that once a trust is broken, it can be very difficult to fix, he said, he would die trying to prove to me that I could count on him. One of my conditions was that he come clean about EVERYTHING. This is when I learned that they had been having sex during their “in home separation” as well as other disturbing revelations.
Fast forward to present…. they are now divorced, as of December 2006 (drama after drama, after drama) and he still promises to build a life with me. Did he keep his other promises to me????? I honestly couldn’t tell you. Our last arguement was about his accepting HER phone calls and about his always letting her off the hook for her twisted bullsh*t behavior.
(Again, I’m working on the longer version for the forum to give a better understanding of the current situation, lol.) We continue to live apart from each other, (MY decision.) We see each other less and less as time goes on and I have come to the sad realization that I will ALWAYS be TOW in his life.
You see, it doesn’t matter if he stays with his wife or if he leaves her for you. I think on some level WE are destined to continue the role as TOW. Especially if there are kids involved. It’s not the way “he” makes us feel but rather the way we end up feeling about ourselves. And while we may remain stoic, strong, capable, and determined… deep down we all hope for that fairy tale ending. We ride into the sunset with our MM and all is right with the world. We have so much invested that it’s next to impossible to give up on the dream. I guess it all comes down to what we can live with, and usually it’s a lot less than we deserve.
Just my take on this situation, having survived full circle. In the end, who really gets hurt??? Not the kids, not the wife……… us!
I wish you all a blessed day and please know that I hold you all in high regard. After all, we didn’t make ourselves TOW, “they” did! lol.
Take care!
61 Voice // May 11, 2007 at 4:23 pm
Hi,
I’m only going on the abridged version here……lol
Just one question,, when you say you had a row about him accepting her phone calls, Are they for stupid things or are they to do with the kids, because like it or not how can he have no contact with her if they have children together
Also I can totally understand that the guy has p*ssed you around and maybe it’s just cos it’s on here(so don’t think I’m being a b*tch) but you come across as extremely bitter about the wife, which appears a bit misplaced. Seems it should be directed at the one who is truly causing the grief in your life.
I guess I’ll have to wait for the full instalment……
62 ChasingBtrflyz // May 11, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Hi Voice,
All of her phone calls are purely manipulative in nature. It’s never about the kids and always about her. Not that I let HIM off the hook. I certainly do not. Not anymore and not for a long time.
Just as an example: She calls and tells him that she’s extremely worried because she hasn’t heard from their daughter in days. Tells him that the daughter won’t pick up or return phone calls. She gets him all worried and upset. (The daughter is mentally, bahaviorally, and developmentally delayed but, lives in a group home within driving distance of HER home while he works and in a different city a few hundred miles away.) Of course he believes her and sets off to find out what’s going on which means several calls back and forth between them. Mind you that his daughter has a cell phone on daddy’s plan and so it’s really quite easy to track calls. Well, we find out that mommy dearest made it all up. She had been in contact with the daughter the entire time. So, what was the point in any of it????? Having said that….. daughter has another supposed psychotic fit (a few days ago) and is hospitalized….yet, mommy doesn’t bother calling to tell him that????? Daughter has been in the hospital for the last 4 days, mommy dearest doesn’t even bother to visit this girl who she’s always so damn worried about? Fast forward to this morning…. daddy has to rearrange his plans to bring daughter home because mommy has to work and can’t do it….. except that I did some checking and mommy isn’t working today. You see, it’s all about controlling his life. As I see it, he is happy to allow it, which makes him just as bad as her in my book. I am bitter…. at both of them. My anger isn’t really misplaced but, trust me when I say that I have a thousand other scenarios and stories that will make you wonder who’s the truly insane one here…… probably me for putting up with all the bullsh*t for so long.
I don’t mean to sound so mysterious when I talk of the “long version” of my story. It’s just so full of drama and stupidity ( a lot of it on my part) that when I sit down to write it all out, even I can’t believe it. But, I know I have lived it and I bear the battle scars as a result of my involvement. There is more to come but, it’s so damn long and drawn out, I want to give an accurate account so that others may see the truth behind the illusion. The illusion of being the other woman.
Hope to chat again soon. I really need to get objective thoughts and opinions. Until then, take care.
63 LS // May 11, 2007 at 6:09 pm
ChasingBtrflyz:
Sounds like you need to WALK AWAY girl. Too much drama and too much shit is going on with the ex wife and with him for you to ever be able to have a normal relationship with him! I mean for god sake’s he was still sleeping with her even after they separated?! Screw that guy. I would not be able to live with that. BUT I understand it is not that easy cause you have been with him for what 4 years now? And for what???? I have no plans of leaving my MM anytime soon but if I was in the situation you were in, I would be running. There is already enough drama and stress being the OW as it is, and to add all of that. Oh my god. I would be a wreck. (I already have enough days like that!) Have you thought about what you should do or talked to him about it There is no possibly way for you guys to have a healthy relationship under these circumstances…….
64 Voice // May 11, 2007 at 6:49 pm
Chasing,
The fact that she is using the daughter in this way is disgusting, she seems to need a severe wake up call as to her behaviour. I don’t have children, but how anyone can use them in splits is really beyond normal in my view. LS is spot on when she says there is no way you can have a healthy relationship . As you know I have been saying that children seem to be enough of a pull, but considering the daughters problems and the wife’s ability to maximise on their impact. I think you were probably always fighting a losing battle.
The fact that she obviously knows how to push his buttons, seem to indicate that unless he develops some backbone,and tells her where to get off, this situation is never going to get better. I think it is to your credit that you’ve managed for as long as you have. He should be pulling her up on all these little mind f*cks she’s got going like this morning’s effort, she needs to start being told that it isn’t normal or acceptable conduct for an alleged adult.
Not to sound flippant but I wish you luck, cos I really feel that between him and the wife, you really need it
Take Care
65 Jennifer // May 11, 2007 at 7:06 pm
Good afternoon. Are any of you interested in what I have to say regarding how it feels to have to deal with “another woman?” Perhaps my feedback would help you & your situations greatly. I have much to say on the subject, however, if it isn’t going to be taken with a little more than a grain of salt, I won’t bother. Email me anytime you’d like at booch67@hotmail.com
Have an awesome day. Do the right thing for yourself.
Sincerely,
Jen
66 LS // May 11, 2007 at 7:18 pm
Jennifer:
Wait a minute! I thought this was site for OW, not their wives/ex-wives??????
I am sure we would all be interested in hearing what you have to say as long as you don’t rip us all to shreds and you can be sensitive to what we OW have to go through. And hear us out as well. It goes both ways.
I can handle it if the rest of you can cause I KNOW my situation.
67 Jennifer // May 11, 2007 at 7:57 pm
It’s cool. I’m aware of what you go through & would never rip anyone to shreds. I think I can help you with some of this, seriously. I’m willing to listen too. Maybe u could help me as well.
68 Jennifer // May 11, 2007 at 8:00 pm
I could share my story (it’s pretty shocking) & maybe we could help each other somehow. Have a good day.
69 Voice // May 11, 2007 at 8:34 pm
Hi Jen,
Nice to hear from you, I too have been a wronged wife as well as now being the other woman. if you would like to share you story please do so, but as said before please treat everyone with respect. Not to tar everyone with the same brush, but there’s been people on here before who just want to abuse.
Take Care
70 LS // May 11, 2007 at 9:27 pm
Jennifer:
Please tell us your story. I know I want to hear it and I will share mine too. I used to work with my MM, that is how we met. I never thought in a million years we would end up “together” as I was married at the time and so was he (although it was well known how terrible his relationship with his wife was, even then. He told EVERYONE), we always flirted and were friendly from day 1 and that was it. Time went on and I ended up getting a divorce and him and I started to talk on the phone, emails, etc, and I was suprised at how much I liked him and how great we got along! And then one day decided to meet up just to talk outside work. We talked for hours about work, life, our relationships, etc…well of course one thing led to another and we ended up kissing and it was amazing. I had never felt so connected to someone so fast and felt like we had known each other forever. We both knew it was wrong because he was married, but he knew even before me that he wanted to get a divorce but that I had just made it even more clear to him BUT that he did not want to lose time with his child and go from being a full time dad to a part time one, so he was not sure how he could get a divorce. ANYWAY, things progressed very fast from there and he told me he loved me within the first 2 months and now we have been together for almost a year. It has been one of the hardest years of my life, a lot of ups and downs when you are the OW, but I know I put myself in this situation so I can not complain or ask for sympathy. I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone, even my ex-husband! I know he loves me too and I am not sure when he will leave his wife. They stopped sleeping in the same bed and room together long before I ever even came into the picture, it is very sad. But from what everyone has told me about her, she is not a good wife and never has been. I don’t know honestly how long I can stand being the OW but I don’t want to give up.
Please tell me your story……maybe we can give each other some much needed insight?
71 Jennifer // May 11, 2007 at 9:32 pm
I will but have to go to work right now. It’s a long one but will get on here as soon as possible & tell it all. Perhaps tomorrow morning?
72 Jennifer // May 12, 2007 at 6:37 pm
OK, hi ladies. I have so much to say & I am SO exhausted today I don’t begin to know where to start. Lemme grab a cup of coffee… First of all, the 1st thing that has always gone through my mind when it comes to this very beaten-to-death subject is, how is it possible to have a healthy as-it-should-be relationship if it’s remotely based on dishonesty? I’ve never gotten an answer to that…
OK, so, here’s my situ;
I am 40 yrs old (look & feel like I have the energy of a 25 yr old) & have been in a serious relationship with a man for 4 years.
We are not married but we do live together.
I did not pursue this man, he did the pursuing, etc. I fell for him completely & as far as I knew he was very happy with me & also fell pretty hard. I’ve, on a daily/nightly basis paid alot of attention to him & our relationship in every way a woman should.
This is a difficult story to tell.
There has been infidelity before (alot of it) which was dealt with etc., as a matter of fact, it almost gave him (and me; as I did not begin to understand why he’d do something like that because of how we are together) a nervous breakdown.
Yet, now, there’s a locked cell phone, way too much text activity, and I found a 5 page letter that a possible OW sent him via e-mail (which said things such as “I just want to be invisible at work so I can watch you. You’re so intent.” And, “I don’t like it when you pay attention to others.”) She said alot & knew WAY too much about him. It PISSED me off. And it HURT to read it. And pictures she sent him via e-mail to our computer of herself kissing a heavyset woman and pictures of her, shall we say, lower extremeties?!. I was not impressed. Evidently, this OW is married to a man she thought would change but has discovered he is gay. Obviously there are issues there. My take is, to be friends is cool, but what she is doing is inappropriate on many levels. In addition, she works for the same company my significant other does. Great.
There are many issues here. He is the nicest, most gorgeous person I’ve ever known yet suffers from alcoholism & major insecurities; though if you met him, you’d not have a clue to anything like that.
She obviously has issues also.
Now I have some that I didn’t want.
I don’t get it. WHY is she in the pic at all? Why doesn’t she have any regard for the grief she is causing? No respect for him? Us? Our home & relationship? I don’t understand this.
I’ve asked about the situation with her. I’m told it’s nothing. Nothing? For a year? Nothing’s going on, all of his time is accounted for. Yet, this broad’s texting him at 1:30 a.m. I called her right in front of him & asked if there was something she needed or something we could do for her as it was very late~ was it some sort of an emergency? She said, “Put him on the phone.” I handed him the phone & he refused to speak. Wouldn’t take it at all. (Huh??)
So, due to past infidelity, this situ’s got me ON EDGE. I’ve attempted conversation with her- silence. SILENCE. Yet she will not stop contacting him. I’ve seen the bill & it’s detail. She’s sent over 700 txt in 3 weeks. His do not come close to that at all & many of them are to me. She knows we live together, continues to pursue him. We are not breaking up, WHY is she doing this? She’s been at it for a year. I’m wondering why she does this? what does it mean? Am I stupid? Am I blind? Am I being snowed?
He & I have worked hard to get where we are.
Believe me, dude’s got issues.
I want to say, again, I pay alot off attn to him & our relationship every day, every night. He seems very happy. Financially, we’re ok, looks, we’re both pretty hot, communication is there. I keep myself in check all the time so in the case there is something that needs change or to be addressed or whatever the case may be, I’m “present.” I’ve always been the best woman I could be if that makes sense & I take very good care of myself inside & out. I’m kind, I’m generous… what the hell?
I posted a blog recently regarding the facts with her, she saw it & went bolistic. Why? If it’s nothing, then why is she angry? I said nothing that was not factual. I was very drained & felt I had no one to turn to @ the time & just typed. Why is she watching my online activity anyway?
If anyone can help me see things for what they are or give any kind of advice on infidelity, affairs, why a woman would hurt another woman that way, I need help. I cry almost every day because this isn’t going away.
This is so hard.
I’ve lately been “turning up the heat” around here (sexually) lingerie, etc. And of course he loves it & it seems as though he could get speeding tickets driving home~ we joke about that.. but at times I’m like, “Am I being compared to the married chick @ work that will not stop contacting him?” There’s alot I don’t know about those 2 & it really sucks to wonder. My nerves are shot. Are we both being played? Is anything really going on? Am I a fucking idiot?
Please excuse my language there. Sorry. The entire story about past infidelity with him is long & painful. I’d tell it if anyone wanted to know. Maybe I should…
I’m so curious though. I’ve actually seen messages from her that said “It seems like she alays knows when we’re talking.”
HELP??!!! Please?
73 ChasingBtrflyz // May 12, 2007 at 7:32 pm
Hi Jennifer,
First off, I’m very sorry about your situation. I know it must be really hard for you.
To me, and this is just my opinion…. your man sounds as if he is a serial cheater, this woman sounds like a predator. A match made in heaven or hell as the case may be. Speaking as the OW, I never contacted my MM at home. I never injected myself into his life. I was the epitome of discretion. As I’m sure the other ladies here are.
It might help to have more background. I know some stories are long. I’m still working on mine.
Til then, take care and try to stay calm.
74 Jennifer // May 12, 2007 at 7:37 pm
Why would any woman settle for discretion? Please don’t take offense to that. What is the reason? I couldn’t allow myself to be kept a secret… I really want to understand it all. Calm~ I’m strong I suppose, but, shaking @ the moment. I’ll give more background soon.
75 ChasingBtrflyz // May 12, 2007 at 7:50 pm
Discretion because I didn’t want his kids to get hurt. His wife was/is a worthless POS, that will never change. I look 4ward to hearing your story. Writing can be very helpful when you’re trying to figure things out. I’m finding that out myself right now, lol.
Take care.
76 Thoreauhappiness // May 12, 2007 at 8:19 pm
God, are we all completely riddled by numorous wounds… We and the one’s we love have our drawbacks, warts and scar’s. I’m inspired by everyone’s desire to understand themselves, MM, OW’s, kids, spouses, etc.
Lately, my focus has been on trying to understand:
1. Why I play second fiddle
2. How people can cheat and still maintain relationships as if nothing is wrong.
3. What is at the core of what it would feel like to let go, and stop these destructive relations… The empty feeling, pain? Why is it so intollerable to feel? Why is it that I can’t seem to give myself what I need and look for external things (relationships, food, sex, etc) to mask the pain… heavy stuff, with endless possible answers…
Hang in there everyone, I hear a lot of hearts hurting & even though I’d never wish this upon anyone, it makes me feel more sane to know I’m not alone. ~may the force be with you!
77 Jennifer // May 12, 2007 at 8:22 pm
It’s unfortunate that a wife can be a pos to her husband and that anyone can have such disregard for their marriage to the point of letting things go to crap. Vows are very serious words that I believe should be honored every day. I mean, no one’s perfect for Christ’ sake but the things I’ve seen over this past year have blown my mind. That’s not easy to do. I’m really looking for help/insight as to why this chick he works with is doing this & why she doesn’t seem to care about what it’s doing to me-and believe me- she knows very well how I feel about it. So does he. What’s the point in it for her? She doesn’t see him outside of work, he sleeps with me every night, makes me lovely dinners (chef) and we’re always together. She isn’t invited to our home, etc. Hasn’t shown up anywhere we ever are in public, etc. What’s with the text? Why even bother? This makes no sense to me but has successfully ruined many moods & many days. Caused many arguments. I don’t want this in my life. I’ve gone over everything 1000 times trying to figure out where I fell short or if I’d made mistakes of any kind~ I’m not whining here. But I can’t find these answers w/o talking to someone who knows… She won’t talk to me. Only will text him 150 times per day. Isn’t this ridiculous? Am I nuts???
78 LS // May 12, 2007 at 8:51 pm
Jennifer:
Holy shit! That is quite a story. I am not even sure where to begin or what to tell you, back to what ChasingBtrflyz had to say, I agree with her. It is not that I want or like to be hidden from everyone in his life. My MM’s wife is just such and idiot and I do not want his son to be hurt and of course I realize that may still happen just due to the nature of our situation but I would NEVER in a million years call him or text him when I know he is at home with his child or when he is not with me. When he is ready to introduce me to his life, he will. I am not happy being the OW forever but it is not something I would ever do, interject into his life or force myself to be known. I know he loves me and we have an amazng relationship. Back to your situation though, it sounds like he may be curious about this other person or else he would not stay in touch with her or allow her to still contact him. Do you know for sure if they have been intimate or is it just strictly a platonic fucked up relationship? She sounds completely crazy to me and not sure what he sees in her. From what you are saying you guys have a good relationship and he would have no reason to stray or start to stray. Other than what someone else said, is he a serial cheater? If he is and this is all typical of him, you need to move on. And not only that, have you told him that this can not go on if you 2 are to stay together? I mean if you love him and y ou feel you have a goo relationship, have you asked him why the fuck he is doing this shit? Excuse my language but sounds like he has no reason at all!!!! I KNOW why my MM is with me and I KNOW how bad his relatioship was LONG before I even came into the picture. He tells me I saved his life. He was damn near suicidal before we started our relationship so it is not like he is one of those men who just wanted ass.
Do you think you can both move on after this or has he done it before? I think you said he has a long history if infidelity no? If so, I don’t see how you can stay with him as it sounds like that is who he is and may never change, I mean fuck he is 40 years old? Grow up dude, or stay single! BUT I also understand how hard it is to walk away from someone you love even though they may be causing you pain. I can not walk away from my MM no matter how hard some days may be. I want to make it work and I know I will have to wait for him. You have to ask yourself if he is worth the work and is he worth the pain? I would say the first thing you need to do is sit his ass down and have serious talk and tell him either he tells you the whole damn story and the TRUTH or else. I mean how can you go on and do all the things you have been doing for him (lingerie, etc…) if you have no idea whether or not he is sleeping with this bitch??!! I couldn’t do it. You need to confront him and now, then you will know if it is salvageable and the rest of us can help you out.
79 Jennifer // May 12, 2007 at 9:04 pm
Man… just looked at the phone bill again as it just flipped over. Text activity still goes on. I’m not thrilled… or shocked. Asked him about it & he denied it. He gets pissed off when I bring it up. HEEEELLLLPPPPP! What is that??
80 Thoreauhappiness // May 12, 2007 at 9:08 pm
I think you need to take the focus of the OW. The reason why she is doing what she is doing is because there is a connection between your man and her that you haven’t been allowed to see… I believe it’s your man who has established some sort of secret relationship with her and that he is unwilling to be honest with you about it, painting a