Being the other woman to a man with a wife or girlfriend is a tricky relationship – I should know, I’ve been there (read my tale on my journey from being the other woman to happiness) and have corresponded with many women in the situation. There are lots of all too seemingly obvious reasons why being involved with an attached man is hazardrous, but if you’re already there, here are my tips for survival:
1. Have your escape route from the affair planned. If you have any sense of self worth, don’t be banking on being the other woman forever. Either get the commitment you want and be the starring role instead of the understudy, or get out. Set a time limit and stick to it.
2. Don’t be burning up energy making empty threats. Sometimes an ultimatum is needed to bring things to a head, but if you have no intention of actually following through – you’ll look like a dipstick and then he knows that he doesn’t actually have to make a decision. An ultimatum is an ultimatum for a reason which means there should only be ONE.
3. Do tell someone about the affair but do ensure that you tell someone who isn’t going to blow the lid on things. Keeping things to yourself will be a big strain emotionally and you need someone who you can confide in, sanity check things with and who will also tell you that you should be doing better. You need to be careful of becoming isolated in the relationship and also being trapped by your feelings.
4. Don’t get pregnant in an attempt to force his hand. The only person you’re ‘trapping’ is yourself. A baby is for life…not for using as a tool to get what you want.
5. Get a life. Don’t make him the focal point of your existence and don’t be afraid to spend time on your own and certainly spend time with friends and family. The better you feel about yourself, the quicker you’ll come to your senses about being the other woman. Also if you make him the focus of your existence, it gives him supreme control and makes you very dependent on him. Not good!
6. Don’t be doing the chasing. How can you be spending so much energy running after a man who is throwing you the crumbs of his attention?
7. Keep it real. You are the other woman, he belongs to someone else, this isn’t a good indicator of how much he can be trusted and he is probably having sex with his girlfriend/wife. This doesn’t mean he loves you – it means he’s greedy, indecisive, cowardly and a cheat.
8. Don’t slag off the girlfriend or wife. It will do you no favours and makes you appear to be jealous and childish. It’s a difficult situation but he is with this person and whatever reason he has come up with being with you and cheating on her, he hasn’t left her and he’s still with her.
9. Don’t turn into a stalker. The moment you feel yourself going off the rails and wanting to follow him, cut up his clothes, follow his girlfriend/wife, hang around at his kids school, fake pregnancies, fake diseases and any other devious or attention seeking carry-on, it’s time to abort the mission and bail out.
10. Don’t cope with being the other woman. Get out and be with a man that isn’t someone else’s. Take off the rose tinted glasses and particularly if you have been with him for an extended period of time, you need to let go. It doesn’t take that long to leave someone and he is emotionally unavailable no matter what he says. If he really did love you, he’d put himself in a position to actually be with you properly. Don’t let him convince you that he is the best you can do for yourself – you are better than playing second best.
Recently added article – Breaking up and getting over married men
Back in part two
For a no holds barred guide to emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them, my ebook Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl gives detailed insight into the complicated dynamics of being the other woman. My ebook The No Contact Rule is now available to buy and provides a dedicated guide to getting over someone by cutting contact and injecting some boundaries into your life so that you can move on to a happier you. For personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service
This post was originally published back in 2006 and had a phenomenal response which caused it to be taken offline to due to big demands on the server. It’s now available if you want to see all of the original 700+ comments.
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Hey Cherrie’,
Oh hun, I’m sorry things are not going well right now. LMAO @ your mood swings. Geez, wonder what could be causing that????? Like wake up jackass! lol. I honestly don’t know if it’s just a new excuse or not. I do know the mood swings though. When I met my MM, I was happy, confidant, had hobbies, friends, etc. I was the stable person that everyone came to for help, advice, and a good old fashioned pep talk. Over 4 years, I started to not even recognize myself anymore. I was angry, resentful, negative, and going downhill fast. All of a sudden, I wasn’t fun and nice to be around. Hmm…. wonder why. Could it be that his dysfunction sucked the life out of me? Maybe that I still have to compete with his EX wife? Maybe that I am known in his hometown as the tramp who broke up his family? Even his mother sees me that way. Good God, if they only knew the truth!
I started doing some research and I found out about the lasting effects of being the OW. How it’s so hard to rebuild all the things we lose in this process. The MM can’t see (or don’t want to) how damaged we become during these affairs. As time goes on with little to no understanding, we become so damn resentful and somehow, we are supposed to just “get over it.” I wish someone would explain to me HOW. Hey, I’m the grand winner. He left the wife for me. Yeah, right! Woo-Hoo! Then maybe somebody can tell me why I am still running last place in his life. Why does she get treated with so much more consideration than I do? What? Because she incubated his offspring????? This gives her the excuse for being such a vile, twisted POS??? Oops…. sorry, got a little off track there, lol.
Maybe it’s a good thing, this break that you’re taking. I’m taking one too. Much needed quiet, and time to figure out what it is I really want and what I’m willing to accept in the aftermath of this whole thing. Don’t let him into your head with this scapegoat BS and the negative comments. He has no right to act as if he’s the frigging victim. I often wonder if these MM use the same tactics at home. Turn any female into a raging lunatic to justify their own actions??? Who knows for sure. Take this time and make the best of it. Get your mind straight and know that you’re not crazy. You’re just trying to live within the craziness of his making. Most of what these MM say is word salad anyway. We need the super hero word translator, lmao.
Take care and keep writing. It really does help.
Hugs,
Chasing
Where I’m at today…..
I had a great weekend with some friends on their boat. I did not make myself available to MM. He called a couple of times. I missed the calls. I called a couple of times. He missed the calls. We didn’t speak to each other until Tuesday morning when I answered his call. Plesantries were exchanged, blah, blah, blah. He asked me what I had done all weekend. I told him I spent time with friends on their boat. (We have a festival here, “Harborfest” that runs every year.) Normally, I would downplay my activities. This time I explained how we went into the city for the festival and watched the fireworks from the boat. Drank until we couldn’t drink anymore, blah, blah, blah… I asked how his weekend went. He tells me very little detail. Hmmm…. anyway, he said he wanted to talk to me. I said ok. He asked me if I was still interested in seeing him. (Hello, on a break here!) I told him that I hoped we could mend things but, that it was going to take time and some work. He went on to tell me that he has no interest in his ex, that he loves me, always has, always will but, that he needed to know. I explained what I needed him to do in order for me to feel secure. (Dah, same thing I’ve been saying for years now.) Somehow, he spun it into him having to choose between me and his kids. I said, “no, you have to leave the ex behind once and for all.” He tells me that he doesn’t know if he can, as she is the mother of his children and that they have to speak on occasion. I have never had an issue with them talking…. IF it’s about the kids. BUT, it NEVER is! She just uses the kids as an excuse to try and reel him back in. This is my biggest issue. Besides the fact that she is shown more consideration than me. This is not a stable, caring mother we are talking about. She is the epitome of evil in it’s purest form. The things she has done, and continues to do, leave a cold chill down my spine. Like I need holy water just to deal with her, lol. Seriously though. So, he says he needs to ask me something off topic. (He is the master of changing the subject when I get a little too close for comfort.) I say, “go for it.” He proceeds to ask me if I met someone during the weekend. WTF????? I reply, “exactly what is it you’re asking me here?” He asks, “did you exchange phone numbers and emails with any other men, during your boating weekend?” WTF???? Here we go again…. I have to explain myself and that bitch of an exW of his gets away with frigging murder?????? I was able to reign it in. I told him…. “I think you have me confused with SOMEONE ELSE.” I told him that I don’t operate that way and that I was not going to explain myself any further because he never seems to feel the need to explain HIS life happenings to me. I have to say, I have been made to feel and look like the worthless whore for the past 2.5 years….. by his exW, his children, his parents, etc. I was damn sure not going to allow him to make me feel guilty for going out with friends. I told him that I was damn tired of the double standard being applied to me and that I was hanging up because I didn’t want to say something I would regret. I was very proud of myself. I didn’t hear from him again until this morning. He asked if he could come visit me. I was still pissed so I asked sarcastically, ” what, no flights home this weekend?” Turns out there is some golf tournament and flights are bad going home for him. OMG! So, now, I’m not only some slut but, I’m also his second choice????? Like if he had something better to do, he’d be doing it? I just started laughing and hung up. I’m not going to allow this to affect me. I’m going to finish my classes and head to the beach. He can go screw himself and that diseased pig of an ex. I could care less. He just gave me ALL the answers I ever needed.
Ladies…. be careful. Don’t allow yourselves to become sucked into their sob stories and lies. Limit your involvement whenever and wherever you can. This was 4 yrs of my life and I’m treading water in the same place I was before he divorced her!
Take care and have a blessed day. I know I will, lol.
Hugs,
Chasing
Chasing:
Your MM is seriously fucked up and sounds somewhat controlling, or wants to be anyway. VERY MANIPULATIVE he is. I know how hard it is to not let the things they do and say affect us and affect our day to when we are trying to be so strong and live our lives like you did this weekend, you had a great time and he ruined that in an instant. Look at how you are feeling now! Talk about shitty. Basically all you can do is tell him you love him and you want to be with him as well but until you see PROOF and RESULTS of the promises he is making, you will continue to go on as you have been and that is that.
No if’s and’s or but’s to it. That is the only way HE will shit or get off the pot and the only way YOU can move on if you need to. Does that make sense? Take a step back like you already did by not answering his calls and what not, that was very smart of you. Continue doing that! Be strong and don’t let him affect you until HE makes moves and proves to you he means what he says and if not HIS LOSS, and you know that. He is the stupid one, not you. Granted we put up with alot of shit from these guys and some of us for many years/months but we still have the power to show them who REALLY has control in these relationships and that is US. We just THINK they do but it is really us who holds all the cards. Realize that and it will help you tremendously. It has for me, it completely changed my outlook on this whole situation with me and my MM.
Christ. Cut them off. Change your numbers. These guys are beyond full of shit. If you want a part time guy why not find one without all of the crap & a wife & kids? Those guys will get away with whatever they’re allowed to. It’s so obvious & evident. You deserve more.
Plus, karma sucks.
Go get what you really deserve.
Chasing…OMG! I see some similar traits in my MM too. It seems your MM is pushing you away – wants you to be the one to break things off because he is too scared to. It’s like he is saying any awful thing to hurt you & trigger a reaction. So proud of the way you responded! Awesome! They hate not being in control & dictating how the relationship should be. He sounds kinda mean – was he drinking? LOL You are right on about the wife-demon and how the MM don’t want to rock the boat too much or they may not get to see their kids. Man up, dude! I have not seen my MM in 4 days. We used to talk & text all day long…now it has been cut in half. (Plus he is out of town) I don’t want to be the little puppy that follows him around and then gets scolded if something is wrong. That is crapola!
Going to meet a girlfriend for drinks tonite. Going ouut of town this weekend to see dear ole Dad. Hmmmm…not too much contact w/ MM…and I am not falling apart yet. woohoo! (Also have been blocking sex out of my mind…that will be my downfall!!)
Being in love w/ a married man…
You will sacrifice of your time and energy in unwholesome, unhealthy and unsatisfying ways.
You will give up a measure of your power. He will always maintain control over the course and conduct of your relationship – your only choices are to accept it, or not.
You are not really all that special to him. He is using you to avoid dealing with his own painful reality, and you are simply a convenient vehicle.
Your replacement is just around the corner, and maybe even closer than that.
If he’s doing it to her, he’ll do it to you. ALWAYS TRUE.
He will never be “with†you.
What she doesn’t know CAN hurt her, and you are a party to it. You KNOW you care about that & wouldn’t want it to happen to you or someone you love, RIGHT?
What goes around, comes around.
You deserve better than this…
Jen – LOL…throwing my own post back at me, huh? I know a lot of the statements hold a certain truth, especially the sacrificing part. But one thing I can tell you, I don’t give a shit about his wife. She is nothing to me but an annoyance.
wow. i’m glad i found this. i’ve been going thru this shit 4 THREE years now. and on top of that, i wound up pregnant. i love my child and i wouldn’t take anything for him, but sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if i had gotten out of this situation before it got out of hand. i am really having a hard time dealing with the drama sometimes. it’s nice to know i’m not alone… my story is looooong and complicated. i guess i’ll find the time to tell it sometime soon. when i do, i would greatly appreciate any feedback/advice.
Hi TooGood,
Welcome! We have a forum where you are welcome to share your story in it’s entirety… no matter how long or how brutal. No judgements…. just objective thoughts, opinions, and support. Scroll up for the address to forum. Advice is optional, as we all are good at giving and notoriously bad at receiving, lol. (No offense ladies!) Glad you found us too. Look forward to hearing from you.
Chasing
LS,
Hun, thank you so much! From the bottom of my heart. Everything you said gets my vote. You are absolutely right. AMEN sister! I am maintaining my composure and have no intentions of getting off track this time. For 4 years we have doing things HIS way. Not anymore. Now, it’s compromise or goodbye. Period, end of story. I have to thank all of the wonderful ladies here because you have helped me to see and understand that I have a voice… I have the power to change that which affects ME. My prayers are that all of you see that for yourselves as well. I consider myself blessed to have found you all.
Hugs,
Chasing
Cherrie’,
We all have those same similarities in our affairs. It’s like the MM get a playbook to go by or something. Scary, huh? lol. I don’t know who’s pushing who way. I think that’s a two way street. He wants the “submissive- do anything for ya” girl, and I am tired of being her. I want the man I “thought” he was going to be. I guess neither of us gets what we want or expect. I’m new to this so I have no idea how to fix anything. I know the band-aid approach isn’t working anymore. I need him to hear me, to take me seriously, to understand that I have feelings about how this whole thing has played out. Either he’s willing to listen and join in the healing OR I will eventually walk away for good.
That which doesn’t kill you…. really does make you stronger, lol.
Cherrie’, you keep doing what’s best for you. Keep an active social life outside of MM. You’ll need it to rely on when he seems unreliable or unavailable. I will say it again ladies….. NEVER MAKE SOMEONE A PRIORITY, WHEN ALL YOU ARE… IS AN OPTION! Keep your options open, always! Keep the faith girls, we will survive this, lol.
Hugs,
Chasing
Jen,
Long time, no hear girl! What’s the haps these days? Are you still with your serial cheater? Is he keeping his d*ck in his drawers and his fingers off the text buttons? lol. Seriously, how are ya holding up?
Are things evening out with your fella? Have you both come to an understanding where he knows his actions are hurtful to you and damaging to your relationship? Or do you feel as though leopards don’t change their spots? I can sense your frustration with all that’s happened and I really feel that your still reaching out for a better understanding of why he pulls this shit with you. I’m glad you haven’t fallen into that same old, “sorry baby, I swear I won’t do it again” mode. Never give him that satisfaction. You are worth so much more and deserve so much better than that. I hope you see that in yourself. Just because your the S/O who’s been cheated on, doesn’t mean you have to put up with his behavior either.
I was sorry to see that your band didn’t make the cut. I thought they were quite talented. I’m sure the future holds great rewards for them. Just give it more time.
Take care,
Chasing
Hola! Como estas? Hmmm… where to start. I’m all giddy from a serious shoe purchase so don’t mind me.
Victoria’s Secret shoes ROCK! Got a pair of braided stilettos w/ a flower on the ankle. Gorgeous indeed. 
Thanks for the band support~ they landed a gig in Waukesha over it this Saturday. I wish you could see new footage~ the video for that contest was ancient. WAY better now. But, thank you. 
As for my man over here, he knows w/o a doubt that I will NEVER tolerate any of that mess again. I mean hey~ if one wants to cheat, then hey~ knock yourself out but leave me alone, like, forever. That’s my take. There’s never an excuse to betray that way. I will not budge on the matter. We’ve gotten through alot so far~don’t know how, but, we did. You have NO idea… Whoa. But, I’m telling you, NEVER again. If anything hapd again, there’d be no explanation or discussion. i’d be gone. One way ticket to Scottsdale. He’s gotten rid of the cell, email crap, etc & has been being awesome. He suprised me with a new dining/bistro set last night which was sweet. However, the “antennas” and/or “radar”/7th sense I’ve “grown” when it comes to being unfaithful are probably a part of me permanently. Never really wanted that, but I suppose if ever needed, “they’ll” come in handy. We’ll see what happens. I mean, I may never get past it all completely & eventually may have to leave. I’ll be great either way. For the longest time, I questioned who I was down to the core because of everything that happened. That alone is reason enough to tell a dude to fuck off. I could never stand myself if I disregarded someone I told I loved then treated them as though they were nothing. (Not to mention the dreaded idea of contracting some damn nasty disease!?!) It’s taken one hell of a struggle to get myself together. Will NOT go through anymore of that ever again. Don’t really know what else to say. No one deserves to go through that.
Don’t settle. It’s never worth it, right? We are great women who don’t have to settle for bs at all. We have way too much good stuff to give to someone who deserves it also.
) so, have a great weekend.
I, as I’ve mentioned before, really do wish the best for everyone. To have a love/partner that won’t stray so it can be as it should. Every day, and every night. Go for it!
Gotta run & get ready for work. (I’d prefer the beach today!
J
Chasing:
No problem girl. Sometimes we just need to take a step back and look at the relationship and the reality and for a long time I too felt that my MM was the ony who held all the cards and was the one in control and then I woke up and realized that it was ME, us OW, who truly have the control, we just LET them have the control. And then I woke up and realized that I would not let him control me anymore and not that I really did, I just let my emotions for him over rule everything and let him control me in that sense and I won’t do it anymore. I want to be with him and I want to be happy but I am not going to spend my time beating myself up about what I need to do to get him to want to be with me, he needs to do that on his own and they all will in due time unless you are with a MM who only wants the “booty call” LOL!
Hi all of you girls
LS
I love your reply to Chasing ,you are extremely right this exactly how I feel I simply needed to see it hear it from someone else .Hope you are doing well as far as I am concern I am still holding on did not see my MM for a month now since I told him to bagger off I was pretty miserable at the begining but now I feel I am in control of my own destiny (so far so good )
HOPE I WILL BE MORE ASSERTIVE don’t laugh at me I am using the self help method of hypnotherapy to get me to be more assertive whenever MM will try to warm his way into my life, at the moment I am doing quite well beleive me ,this site and the girls like YOU ,CHASING , VOICE ……..
has contrubuted great deal in my moving on I am ever so greatefull .
GOD BLESS
Fortuna
Hiya fortuna,
I am so glad that you are finding your way through this. Glad that you are hanging in there, and letting us know how things are progressing. You are so awesome for sticking to your principles….. YAY FORTUNA!!!!!!! You go girl! No laughing here hun. Whatever your method, it is obviously working for you, and isn’t that what counts? Has MM been trying to contact you? And you are able to ignore his charms? You may have to share with me, the workings of this self-hypnotherapy, sounds like it’s a winner.
I often think about the great support and advice I receive here and am quite thankful for all of it myself. Sometimes all we really need is the support of other’s in our situation. What a fantastic way to “pay it forward!”
My best wishes for your continued success!
Hugs,
Chasing
Thi is for all the ladies present and for all the ladies who come after us…..
“The Awakening”
A time comes in your life when you finally get it… when in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks, and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!
Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears, and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is your awakening.
You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon.
You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella (after the Ball) and that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter), and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you; and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.
You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself; and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval.
You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you), and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for you; and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own, and to take care of yourself; and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.
You stop judging and pointing fingers… and you begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties; and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, and how much you should weigh; what you should wear and where you should
shop, and what you should drive; how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living; who you should sleep with, who you should marry, and what you should expect of a marriage; the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with; and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing; and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for your next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world… and that you can’t teach a pig to sing.
You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries, and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. And you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms… just to make you happy.
And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10, and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.” You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK… and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want…
and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect; and you won’t settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch… and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.
And you learn that your body really is your temple, and you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that for the most part in life you get what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give into fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve; and that sometimes — bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that GOD isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.
And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state — the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you, and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and
to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the Earth can only dream about… a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself… by yourself; and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever, settle for less than your heart’s desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in your heart and with GOD by your side you take a stand; you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
Hi again,
I did not write the above affirmation, I am simply passing along something that a dear friend sent to me. I hope it helps to soothe the soul for many of you!
Blessings to all of you!
Chasing
Hi Voice,
I’m back with my MM and I should have never went back. It is so hard because we live four doors down from each other on the same street and I constently am looking out the window or door and when I see him and his wife it drives me crazy. He says he is trying to change and see me more. I haven’t seen him in a week and It feels like forever. I miss hearing from you. you gave good advice. I will admit I want my married man to leave his wife. I did hear that the spanish heritage usually stay with their spouses even if they want to leave. They are brought up that way to keep their family together. I don’t know what to do, I have these thoughts of what they are doing in the house and I get so jealous. I’m hoping he will leave her one day. I’m not going to call him, I don’t see him during the week because he leaves for work at 7:00pm and gets home at 4:00am. He sleeps all day when I am in work, I get home at 4:30 the same time as his wife. Last Sunday we spent two hours together, that is not enough time, it goes too quick I don’t know how long I can do this for. Do you know how the other Mary is doing? I have so many mixed emotions. Any help would be appreciated.
Mary
I have to re-post what Cherrie said earlier on… and add a few things..
Being in love w/ a married man…(or someone in a serious relationship even)
You will sacrifice of your time and (PRECIOUS) energy in unwholesome, unhealthy and unsatisfying ways. How often do they actually leave the wife/significant other? You’re getting ripped off. Hard.
You will give up a measure of your power. He will always maintain control over the course and conduct of your relationship – your only choices are to accept it, or not. And, then what??
You are not really all that special to him. (Very hard to face indeed.) He is using you to avoid dealing with his own reality, (or whatever picture he paints for you) and you are simply a convenient vehicle. YUCK.
Your replacement is just around the corner, and maybe even closer than that. YUCK.
If he’s doing it to her, he’ll do it to you. ALWAYS TRUE.
He will never be “with†you. Again, yuck.
What she doesn’t know CAN and WILL hurt her, and you are a party to it. You KNOW you care about that & wouldn’t want it to happen to you or someone you love, RIGHT? If you don’t care about that, something’s wrong.
What goes around, comes around.
You deserve better than this…
Tell him to ~!@#$%^&*()_!!!!
There’s a real man out there looking for you. Don’t allow someone to treat you ladies this way. You know you have so much more to give & live for than some jack*** (excuse my lingo please) guy who’s blowing smoke in your ear to lead you to cancellations, lonely nights, a few hours here & there, etc. Come on now. I understand feelings & caring. I also very well understand fear of leaving. Not many will admit that part, but it’s there & it can really take your energy & focus away from where it needs to truly be. ON YOU! I hope no one gets mad at me for what I’m saying.
I know what these things feel like.
It’s usually the same deal, different places & circumstances, but it’s the same deal bottom line. These guys 99% of the time never leave & they disrespect the hell out of both women involved. The wife by betraying her (and his family)in the ultimate way, in addition to lying to her & putting her at risk etc., and by painting an undesireable picture of her to make her look like shit (the wife or sig other looks like a joke unknowingly) so TOW’s will get sucked in & feel sorry for him “because he’s sooo unhappy.” RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. Sure he is. Bet the wife doesn’t know that & when/if she inquires, he probably says, “No baby. I love you, you haven’t done anything wrong; We’re just fine honey. I love you.” Followed by lots of sex. Then the obvious treatment of TOW. How do these guys sleep at night? No conscience perhaps? Do they begin to believe the excuses? So wrong.
I’m not judgemental or bitchy. Just sayin. I was afraid of becoming the most bitter person ever. I was shocked & pained to learn how ignorant I was (past tense) & facing that one fact alone was hard. But, necessary. I’ve successfully had my own mind BLOWN by betrayal(S) (capital B!!) throughout the past year or so & have really learned alot.
I hope I don’t sound bitter. I’m really not. I don’t know anyone in here, but a few have helped me out just by being there more than they could possibly know.
I really dislike (that’s putting it mildly) the idea of someone else no matter who it might be having to endure pain such as what affairs cause.
Why give your whole heart & soul to someone who will only sneak around with you? Cold day in hell before someone sticks my ass in “the closet.”
There’s someone out there just waiting for you that will be there every day and night for you that will appreciate you & plan things with you that will really happen. That wants to be loved by you too.
Not that simple? Yes, it is.
If it were right, there would be no secrets.
Secrets like that never produce good results. I KNOW. I guess I’m rambling here, but for some reason, I’m saying all of this in a wierd attempt to get someone to open their eyes & not have to endure what I did.
No one’s perfect for C sake, but why inflict hell on one’s self? Or someone else?
I’m done rambling.
Another cool thing~ check this out. I did it & it’s so awesome & lifechanging! http://www.womanwithin.org Give yourself a gift!
It will definitely be the most positive weekend you ever spend. And, IT WORKS. 
Que tengas un buen dia! (Have a nice day!)
Jen,
Why are you so angry? You sound so bitter and condescending with these last few posts. What do you hope to gain? Who are you trying to save? None of us are the OW that your man screwed around on you with. I’m sorry that he mind f*cked you time and again. Did it ever occur to you that this is a problem with HIM personally? Not anything YOU did or didn’t do.
Look, all these things you say are true… to a degree. However, there is something you’re missing here as well. Something that I have been remiss in bringing up, for fear of ruffling feathers…. You can not chastise another woman for doing the very same thing that you yourself do…. hold onto a lying, cheating, POS. Why do YOU remain with this unfaithful bastard??? Is it because you love him? Maybe the OW loves her MM as well. Right or wrong… good or bad…. this is the way it is. OW stay enmeshed for many of the same reasons wives and S/O’s stay. In a perfect world no one would cheat. But, this isn’t a perfect world. People grow and change… marriages fail…. people make mistakes. Maybe they find out that they married the wrong person. Maybe years later they find and fall in love with another woman. Should they be honest about that? Yes. But again, only in a perfect world. Sometimes fear keeps these MM from doing the right thing. They don’t know how to leave or they are afraid of losing what they’ve worked so hard for. And yes, there are MM who are pathologically predisposed to lie and cheat no matter who they are with.
The same self respect you are imploring others to have, you must find in yourself as well. It is apparent that things are not going as well with you man as you’d like. If they were, you wouldn’t be here venting. It’s great to have comapassion and empathy for the ladies here, just try not to beat us to death with it in the process, lol. I know you mean no harm. And I also know that you are so obviously hurting (still) from the things that have gone on with your man. Why not tell us your story. It may come as a shock to learn that we are all very similar. Maybe we all fall for the wrong man sometimes. Get my point?
Take care,
Chasing
Chasing:
AMEN sister, you posted exactly what I was going to post.
Jen:
You say you are not bitter but you sound VERY bitter as well you should be for what you have been through. Maybe you should tell us more, I know I myself have asked you in the past to share your story and you are always very vague and have never really explained to us what happened and why you are still with him. You always seem to just offer your “advice” so to speak……
ok, checking back; first things first. I’m not bitter most of the time, seriously. When it hits though, IT HITS. I hate that. But at who’s expense shall I be bitter? My own? Naaaah. It’s never worth it. I’m likely one of the mellowest (is that even a word?) people you’d ever meet. There’s only one thing that gets under my skin & that is people who deceive (women who portray your best friend in the world. And significant other) & try to justify it. Other than that, it really does take quite a bit to shock me or whatever. There are just some things you just don’t do; perfect world, or not. Bitter… an interesting concept. At times I’m a bit suprised I don’t go isolate somewhere & never trust anyone again. Friends, significant other types, etc. anyone. Been screwed over hardcore by both. I’ll never know why. Nice guys finish last indeed. Who knows? I guess I avoid telling my story in it’s entirety because I do not know where to start and because it makes me look like the biggest joke who ever lived? There are 4 years to cover so how much time do you have? I do NOT want anyone to look at me & say- “You’re just playing the victim role.” Um, No, I’m really not.
My story is LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG. Not sure anyone really cares to hear it?
ps~ “Why am I so angry?” Are you kidding? I don’t know, maybe because I invested everything into people who were close to me- so I thought for YEARS & got a huge kick in the face repeatedly? Does that make sense? Once in awhile, I’ll reserve my right to get a little irritated. I don’t think anyone would enjoy that. Like I said, facing my own ignorance has not been a dream come true. I believed in these people. Why am I so angry….
Wouldn’t you be?
There really isn’t anyone to vent to that cares. People do what people do. The only thing I can do is focus on myself & keeping things together, and making my own life awesome. You know? When the day ends I don’t look back on it like the certain ppl who worked me over pretty damn good worrying about what I did that day or night like them. Thank god. How I handle it is on me. Not sure Im explaining this well….
Jen, you have an individual perspective, and you’re a different woman to the rest of us – just as each of us have similarities, yet we’re all in unique situations to our own lives. Of course, if you want to share, we’re hear to listen. If you don’t want feedback, say so, and I think everyone here will respect that. There’s no fear posting your thoughts here. That’s what’s so wonderful.
So share if you feel like it. But if you don’t, don’t.
*grin* It’s my maxim for life at the moment.
Your words, plus those of another friend, are making me wonder whether I should write back to the wife though. Something along the lines of saying something without saying anything in particular. Because really, how are the details of mine and his time together going to make her feel? Better? She already knows enough to suspect – and guided by her intuition, can probably see what would have happened. It’s up to her to decide whether she trusts him enough to stay and put up with this, or whether she can’t face staying with someone who EITHER cheats, OR lies about it (which is the worse sin?). And thus, how will entering into a dialogue about the specifics help her? It won’t.
On the other hand, if we get the “riding off into the sunset” ending that I still long for, then we’re going to have to communicate at some point re their child and his care etc. So perhaps being the bigger (probably in size too) woman at this point is a good idea? Dunno.
I think for me, it’s all about timing. How does this sound: she’s just celebrating her birthday and a big bunch of friends of hers have come over from her home country to be with her for a week. He’s fed up (“there’s no stillness…argh!”) and is driver/tour guide for the week (doesn’t have a 9-5job, obviously!). Anyway, I go to that country this weekend. On Monday, they send their son with her friends to the grandparents. Meanwhile, I shall be at the SAME airport, having just had a job interview!
For feck’s sake.
So, apparently, while the son is out of the picture temporarily, they will have an opportunity to ‘really’ talk. Whatever that means.
Christmas, my pretties. Christmas.
(sorry if I stopped making clear sense…job interviews do my head in, and it’s muggy here, and I’m knackered with a headache, and hungry too!)
I’d say go ahead & write back to her. For me it helped alot & cleared up ?’s that kept me awake endless nights. We both felt relief from it. I’ll check back tonight.
Thank you.
J
******Angry/negative people can be bad for your brain!******
Jen – LOL! You are funny. Because that is the only way I can view the bitterness you spit out on our rather comfortable blog. Very entertaining!
{“I have found my blood pressure rising and my frustration increasing as I read troll comments or angry blog posts that exist to belittle or disparage individuals.”}
{“…And there’s this one we hear most often, especially in reference to comment moderation–”if you can’t say whatever the hell you want to express your anger, you can’t be authentic and honest.” While that may be true, here’s what the psychologists say:
“Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory as a license to hurt others. Research has found that “letting it rip” with anger actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the person you’re angry with) resolve the situation.
It’s best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop strategies to keep those triggers from tipping you over the edge.”…}
So…smiles everyone!! Smiles!!!!!!!
?? What do you mean? I’m spitting out bitterness & being angry & negative? Collectively speaking, is it a positive subject? do greta happy results come from it? Nope. There are 2 individuals that I’d be angry & whatever with but… why? It’s evident that how I felt didn’t matter & it’s sort of looking like the w or whatever she’s called doesn’t matter either as long as everyone else gets what they want? I could be wrong? Did I miss something? These are all choices. Simple. It’s just how it looks~ How can someone think less of someone if they are upset about being betrayed? Is it the in thing these days to ignore it or act as though one doesn’t mind? Seems to be.
I’m not knowing.
I’d help anyone any way I could.
Wouldn’t intentionally hurt a fly.
Smiles indeed!
Alrighty ladies,
Before we continue, why don’t we all take a deep breath and count to ten, lol.
Jen,
I don’t know what all has transpired between you and your man. I keep asking for you to share but, you don’t seem to want to. You keep saying that it’s such a long story. Guess what? We all have those long stories. Sometimes it helps to get it out. You really should give it a try. It may actually help you to release your frustrations and work through the anger.
From my own perspective I’d have to say that the only people not getting torn down in this are the MM/S.O.’s. And THEY are the tie that binds us all together. Yet, you don’t see THEM venting on some blog site or forum. TW/GF wants to blame the OW. The OW wants to blame TW/GF. What a vicious cycle. Look who’s never in the center of the drama that THEY create???? Personally, I am tired of listening to wives and GF’s bitch, moan, harass, name call, and lay ALL of the blame at the feet of the OW. All the while coddling their poor hubby’s who were “lead astray” by the whore. Maybe these wives/GF’s should take a long hard look at the MAN they share their beds with and realize that THEY are the purveyor of dishonesty and the cause of their marriage’s demise. Yet, they refuse to do so. It is easier to label us.
And I have news for you Jen… In my particular circumstance. The “poor horribly wronged” wifey, was more than happy to give her hubby’s d*ck away to “other females” of HER CHOOSING… so long as SHE could have 5 different one’s shoved into every orifice of her body. So, you tell me… just who should I be feeling sympathy and compassion for???? TBH, I never lost a moments sleep, feeling anything but disgust for that woman.
You’re absolutely right. It is a CHOICE. I made one, he made one, wifey made one. And guess what? You made one too. There is no rhyme or reason to any of this. It happens, it’s life. As I said, good or bad…. right or wrong. It’s unfair to expect OW to defend themselves when they did not walk into this ALONE. If you want to hold someone accountable, it has to be EVERYONE or NO ONE at all! My advice….. go unload on your man.
Take care,
Chasing
I just typed a response but sent it wrong & lost the whole thing. I have to work today till 4 but will check back w/ u later. I’ve unloaded on him alright. It was just, trust me. I never meant to offend anybody in here at all. I’ll write the whole situ out later. maybe it’ll help ease the awful anxiety… Hating that.
The ppl in my situ that should & never will be acctable for all of it~ nothing I can do about that. They dont care. Cant make em.
As for your story; wow. He should leave before he gets aids from the hoe. EGADS!
Gotta run. Wish we could hang & blab all day~ Need some peace, like NOW.
Hope your day’s nice.
J
Jen,
I didn’t think you meant harm to anyone and no offense taken. I think you have alot of built up resentment and hostility. (no doubt well earned) I think that maybe we, as the OW are a serious trigger for you right now. I also believe that the “strongly worded” (lol) advice you give us, is resonating in your own head as well. Does that make sense? None of this is fair, not for any of us. We are here to offer our moral support to “others” because society has made US the target, unjustly I might add. We do a good enough job of beating ourselves up, we don’t need any help, lol. Believe it or not, we are good people. We have made mistakes, fallen for the wrong man, and yes, gotten caught up in this awful triangle. Just like you wish for a release from your anxiety, so do we, from our own. Not so different after all, huh? We are all simply trying to find our way, wherever the road takes us. We look forward to listening to your story and offering you gentle advice and opinions. That’s all we ask in return.
My MM did leave, he is divorced but, I am still feeling like the OW. She will not leave us alone and HE refuses to put HER in her place. Until he does, there is no future for he and I. We are actively on a break right now. How’s that for irony????
Oh yeah, she now has herpes and HPV, and recently had to undergo a hysterectomy due to her perverse lifestyle choices. LMFAO….. couldn’t have happened to a nastier person! Now that is Karma at it’s best!
When you need some peace… recite the Serenity Prayer to yourself. It works for me, lol.
Take care,
Chasing
Jen: I agree with Chasing, no one took offense (atleast not myself) by anything that you said, NOR does your anger and resentment offend me either. With that being said, we ALL reserve the right to be pissed, irritated, angry, hurt and say what we feel. That is what this forum is for! Support, advice, a shoulder to cry on so to speak. We OW (and the others that have joined us) are pretty much ALONE in this world when it comes to getting advice, sympathy, support, whatever, so if we can just come here and be here for each other with no judgment we need to do that and make sure that we all understand that when we say things or post things that it is not pointed at any one person, it is just our opinion and nothing more.
I honestly do not know what I would do without this site at times. Just reading the other postings helps me tremendously even if I am not posting myself.
So my ladies, that is my comment for today. Realize that we are ALL here for eachother and nothing that we post or say should be taken offense to ever. Just be as supportive as we can to one another and try and do our best to offer advice and support.
Ladies, I hate to rain on your parades, but we’re going to run into the same problem again if most of these conversations don’t take place on the forum. For those who aren’t familiar with what happened before, due to their being close to 800 comments, I had to delete the original version of this article and all of the comments because it was taking so long to load the page and was crashing the site. The comment level is already quite high and I don’t want the site to crash again. I am happy to keep comments open for a while longer on this post but please remember that I have set up a forum: It doesn’t crash with the comments.
In the meantime, if you are commenting, please on this article, try to put what you have to say into as few comments as possible – eg don’t put several comments in a row when you could just use one comment because the comments will get too high very quickly. Remember that if the site crashes, all of the comments will be lost whereas if you put them on the forum, they will remain there.
If this is not working for you guys, please let me know and we can look at coming up with another solution. Any suggestions, please use the contact page
Wow. Hi ladies. What a day.. Worked a shorter shift than planned (which is very ok with me- it’s GORGEOUS outside today. After, I took my butt over to Victoria’s Secret (semi annual sale) & bought a few things I needed. YAY! (Think I’ll go back tomorrow before I spend my day off @ the beach.
I haven’t done the “ME day” thing yet this summer. So, looking forward to that.
I’m glad no one was offended. I’ve been “stuffing” things emotionally more than i thought. THAT’s not a good idea. I really have been trying to sort things out meanwhile he’s been acting great. But man oh man… The wounds are still there & the fear of me actually putting myself in a position where it could happen again is down right freaky.
I have to eat something then I’ll check back.
Oh and Chasing~ Jesus. Herpes and HPV??! Holy shit. There’s no cure for either. OMG ~ when was she diagnosed?
i’ll check out the forum too- not sure where to keep writing? Here and there? Or just there?
Ladies:
That is what NML is saying, we need to start posting on the other forum or this one will crash just like our last one, this one is not set up to get all these posts. Please start posting on the other one, I will see you guys there!
ok chicas… Short version of my humiliating story is in the forum. Just know, if I didn’t believe in this guy or see what I was looking for, I wouldn’t try anymore, k? Thanks. I’ll check back to see if you were there..
& thanks for your support too.
Hi Girls
I miss all of you ,forgive my ignorance what do you mean post on the other forum which one ?? I am confused SORRY , I have so much to tell you will get in touch whenever someone tell me what I should do .
talk to you soon.
Fortuna
Fortuna:
NML has set up another posting site for us because this site is not set up to handle the number of posts we put up, it will turn into the same situation as the last site if we keep posting, here is the link to the Being the OW blog, so you can start posting there with us.
http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/viewforum.php?f=3
There are many threads going and some great topics, you can even post your “Story” if you want. Please meet up with us there and we will be waiting
Hi Fortuna,
To keep this site from crashing we need to post on the forum. I think you are already a member. Here’s the link…..
http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/index.php?sid=6f74bf5f32ca24c7a6107a5deb1eb020
Most of us have found our way there. Hope to hear from you soon.
Take care,
Chasing
I stumbled across this website and having had a very depressed day, I found your honesty and advice so humbling and it is GREAT to know that I am not alone.
I have been married to a wonderful man for 10 years. We have beautiful children. A year ago we met another married couple through mutual friends and immediately became good friends. MM and I connected on so many levels, and I was swept off my feet completely. We started the physical side of our relationship 5 months ago and it was amazing. He made me feel like I was the only woman on earth. Things started to go wrong. He kept slipping up. Leaving intimate text messages to me on his phone and to cut a long story short we were found out – his wife reading his phone when he was asleep. After a lot of quick talking our respective spouses chose to believe we were “just friends†– me doing most of the lying. MM’s wife decided that MM and I needed to do a course together and once a week we got to do the course for 12 weeks and after the course we spent quality time together at coffee shops, bars etc (keeping both spouses informed of where we were and they said they had no problem). MM and I would often get home in the early morning. Our spouses grumbled but said nothing after all we said that we were “Just talkingâ€. Our affair continued. Again he started slipping up BIG TIME (I could not believe it as I was so damn careful) and eventually our spouses got concrete evidence (I still dont know how). Long story short, he was kicked out and is currently with a friend and my husband left me saying we need to be separated for a while. Both spouses gave us the same ultimatum “stop seeing each otherâ€. We tried and could not, our relationship got more and more intense. I went to a function with my husband (arranged many months ago) MM kept texting me the whole time I was with my husband saying how much he missed me, how much he loved me etc. That night MM and I spent together once my husband dropped me off. He asked me if we had a future and said he would be talking to his wife in the morning. Long story short he phoned me after the meeting to say we both had a lot to lose and we need to be apart for a week while he thought about things. I think she is also holding their 1 child over his head but hey maybe I was just another fling to him although he emphatically denies this.
I have not heard from him since. I am devastated and broken. My husband asked me today if we could try to make things work and we had a chat. Seems like he and MM’s wife are VERY CLOSE and have become “good friendsâ€, they have had many dinners together while we have been separated. They have kissed and cuddled– he says that is ALL. To be honest, I don’t really care, except now I feel that there are double standards. I wonder if I have been played with by (1) MM and (2) the wife from the start. I have been made out to be the whore, the home wreaker and have lost friends. MM and I are not allowed to have any contact but they can have all the time they want together and admit to discussing MM and I. MM has admitted stuff to his wife, who in turn goes straight to my husband – stuff we said would remain between us, I have kept the confidence and so look like the liar. Real love triangle hey.
At the end of the day my MM has my heart, I miss him so much it actually hurts. I must be crazy. All the stuff he said to me I believed and therefore entered into a deeper and physical relationship with me. Why am I so stupid? He always used to look deep into my eyes and so I felt he was telling the truth. I keep hoping he will call, he will e-mail he will DO SOMETHING so I know that I was not actually used. Does that sound normal to you guys. It has been 4 days and I have not heard a WORD. I am so down it is not true. My husband wants to come back this weekend but insists NO MORE CONTACT WITH MM. I don’t know if MM will contact me, I dont want to hurt my husaband who is a WONDERFUL man and am SO CONFUSED.
Hi Jade,
Please post your story on our forum. In the meantime, I want to say something very quickly. If you can not resolve your feelings with MM, then it is not fair to string your husband along but, if you CAN let go of MM for the sake of your marriage, then you and your husband will BOTH have to cut ALL ties to both MM and his wife.
Take care and hope to see you on the forum.
Chasing
Hello ladies,
I found this website today and I am surprised as well as relieved to know that I am not the only one who feels like this. Its not a good thing to say, I know. I know how horrible it is to be in such a messed up relationship.
I have been on antidepressants for the last 4 months now. I am involved with a married man for the last 2.5 years. He says he cant leave is wife right now because his kids are in a big mess and also the wife is mentally not well. He does not want to talk about it or give me a definite date. He says he doesnt know. I am so scared to talk about this. Lately I have been feeling the isolation and his emotional unavailability a lot. I dont know how to talk to him, or whether to talk about it. I am not ready for it yet. I am hoping that he will leave his wife but at the same time I dont want to hurt her either. I feel that he has been distancing himself from me lately, which makes me feel that he may be reconciling with her. He says that he loves me tremendously and can do anything for me (he used to). He doesnt want kids with me because he already has 3 of them. I dont know why am I even with him. Whats in for me? Although I realize this but dont have the nerve to ask him to decide once and for all.
Please advice.
Natalie:
Well my first thought would be the whole him not wanting kids with you. That is a deal breaker! You want them don’t you? If you honestly do and you know that even if you end up together he would not be able to give them to you, what is the point in going on??? It will ALWAYS be an issue, no matter how many years you are together and don’t think for a second that you will be able to “change his mind” on it. Just like you said, what is in it for you????? These relationships are so damn hard and it is hard to offer advice because every situation is different but they are all the same at the core. We want 100% of them and their love, we give THEM 110% of our love and they give us maybe 10%……. You have EVERY right to ask what his intentions are and what your future might hold, you are intimate with this man and he says he loves you tremendously and would do anything for you? So why the hell would you not be able to ask him questions?? If you think he would react badly, maybe he really is an asshole. I am not trying to be mean or short but it is the truth, if you truly believe he loves you, he should NEVER get mad at you for wanting to talk about things.
Hi Natalie
I read you story and I felt you are more or less going through my life except the children issue , but somehow this shity situation is the same I cannot add more to what L S said .she said it all girl.
As far as I am concern there is hope for you to be free not necssary to be with MM but when the time comes for you to take a decision to get rid of this situation beleive me you will I think you are not ready now ,since you have certain fear of leaving him. I am not talking out of my head I have been there . AND TODAY i AM FREE FREE FREE the reason why is on day I was in a dark nasty place very very miserable found this site and I read almost all the articles and the comments relating to my ex bloody situation and it GAVE ME DIRECTIONS AND OPENED MY EYES somehow your vision is clouded by his presence and love you know you shouldnt be treated this way as you are giving everything but you cannot help it .
WHAT HELPED ME GREAT DEAL IS THE GIRLS HERE THERE EXPERIRNCES AND TO KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE .
I left my MM more than a month ago it was difficult i used self help hypnotherapy chose a programme that I felt is relevant in my situation and probably PATTERN managed to be more assertive and appreciate myself and worked on myself esteem it did work for me today I am in control of my emotions and Vowed NEVER EVER LET ANY ASSHOLE TO TAKE CONTROL OF MY DESTINY .
NATALIE YOU WILL MAKE IT GIRL
Meanwhile if you want to know more about my story check the comments on this forum and” from the other woman with happiness ” and breaking up and coping ”
GOOD LUCK.
FORTUNA
Hi L S ,
Hi CHASING ,
I miss everyone I was meant to up date you on my situation I took sometimes off went to France I had a great time with my friends there and this break without having the shadow of MM haunting me was so LIBERATING I honestly meant it .
I am so in control of my feelings and and my life as you can read from my response to NATALIE , I wish this kind of self control and feeling on all of you girls . When I was with MM I was dreaming of those moments of peace self contentment in my life that I gave foolshly to an undeserving selfish asshole I don’t want to criticise myself as I put this episode of my life in my book of experiences, and I Vowed never ever put myself in this shit hole again it is like (FEEDING A PIG CAVIAR AND CHAMPAGNE ) HA HA HA
How are you doing L S , CHASING so far with your situation ? keep me posted since I checked the site I did not hear from you and JEN how is everyone ??
Lots of Love
Fortuna
Thanks LS and Fortuna for your comments.
Somebody mentioned about epiphany relationship, I think I experienced that a day before which truly opened my eyes. Reality has hit me and I am going through lots of scary emotions right now. Sometimes crying, feeling resentment, anger, low self worth and feeling used and disgusted.
To add to my lonliness, I dont have very many friends or social support here. I dont know how I will be able to take that step and cope with the results. Moreover my depression scares me as well. He tells me he doesnt know when, he cant give me a date. But he tells me he loves me a lot.
Natalie:
We can not keep posting on this site or it will start to shut down on us. Please start posting with us on our forum, here is the link. Cut and paste that into your browser and you will see the topic “How to Cope with being the Other woman”
http://baggagereclaim.co.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=6
I am SO sorry that you are having such a hard time! (((HUG))). I know you said you do not have many friends and although all we can offer you is advice via the internet, we are ALL here for you and we are all your friends! I understand completely what you are going through, I kinda have been having these epiphany moments myself, even last night I was kinda joking with my MM about making future plans and things coming up and I made a comment about “yeah I won’t be holding my breath” And he did not like that at all. But that is how I feel. He can not give me a definite date on when HE is going to leave either and therefore our future is very unknown, alas, which is why I am not holding my breath so to speak….I live my life, make my plans ( I stay super busy) and if he wants to be a part of it he is more than welcome to, but I am not going to put my life on hold waiting for his dumb ass to make a decision! And neither should you girl. Take up an exercise class, join a club, get involved with a sport. I am an avid golfer so when I am not doing one thing, I am atleast outside doing that and it is so relaxing and wonderful!
How long have you and your MM been together?
HI Natalie
You will be able to get over your difficulies as long as you keep in mind TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY what I mean concentrate on the one day at a time try to live it the best way you can look forward to end it reasonably well when you manage to reach the end of it look forward to go to bed to start another new and better day because in my experience things never stay the same .
You are not alone now since you found this site we will be there to give you support until you sort yourself out the reason I am so sure BECAUSE I WAS IN YOUR SHOES NOT SO LONG AGO so try to keep well and healthy in my case the ARTICL ESthe GIRLS here the EXERCISE my SELF HELP Programme (Hypnotherapy ) has helped me great deal so reseve your strength Natalie and Keep well
Lots of Love
Fortuna
HI again Natalie ,
I forgot to mention that your depression worries me if you think you are trapped and you are not able to cope PLEASE see your doctor When I was unable to cope I saw my doctor he prescibed some antidepressant during my difficulties I use to take them daily now he reduced them gently for me I take one every three days until slowly i will be of them I think it will be soon . so please look after yourself NO MAN DESERVES TO LOOSE OUR HEALTH FOR .
Fortuna
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