A couple of days back, I asked if you were ‘waiting, willing, hoping for ‘The One’ to enter your life?’. This was in response to various emails and comments from readers who are eager for ‘him’ to come along, or in some cases, downright impatient.
As I explained, whilst of course there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship, it’s important not to lose perspective on things because the reality is there is that if you are recovering from being involved with an assclown or Mr Unavailable and losing sleep or brain time over when a guy who doesn’t yet exist yet is going to come along, you most definitely still have some work to do.
You may not be focused on a specific guy like you were before, but you’ve replaced a very real pain in the ass, with the illusion of what is to come in the future, which means you’re still not really focused on yourself, because men are still central to your wellbeing, and well…we all know where that gets you.
Let’s remind ourselves of a few things:
We’ve actively sought out men and ‘love’ before and found ourselves in all sorts of dubious situations – why do you think that doing a variation of the same thing, even with some new found knowledge and perspective will make a difference?
You have been choosing men and relationships that reflect what you believe about yourself, love, and relationships. When this has been negative, this has yielded negative results. Can you genuinely say that you have come so far forward that you’re ready for a relationship?
Emotionally unavailable men (Mr Unavailables) get involved with emotionally unavailable women (Miss Unavailable or ‘Fallback Girls’). It plays out in different ways, but let’s call a spade a spade. If you still have issues that have led to you previous relationship habits, you are not ready to date, or you’re certainly not ready to be in a relationship.
Which brings me neatly to…
Despite the fact that stepping back and being focused on you so that you can have a clear head and deal with whatever issues have been holding you back, the great majority of women in this situation just do not be able to reconcile themselves to giving up dating, even for a month, nevermind the ideal 3-6 months that I recommend.
It takes several knocks and mishaps before many of them recognise that they just aren’t ready yet.
What you don’t realise is that by continuing to date, you may be prolonging some issues, even if you deal with others. You may be reopening wounds that have just started healing.
The people who are capable of dating and pushing forward at the same time, are the people who have enough awareness to recognise that there will eff ups and that if they enforce boundaries, recognise red flags and act on their judgement, they actually stand to learn a lot.
For these people, riding the rough with the smooth ends up being a confidence builder and they turn even the negative experiences into positive reminders that at least they ‘escaped’ and apply the lesson.
Remember, at some point, you will date again and you have to apply your knowledge and learn to trust your gut and instincts. You don’t step out of the tunnel, into the light, and there’s a prince on a white horse waiting for you.
The people who are not capable of dating and healing at the same time, are the ones that get fairly easily knocked and lose perspective of the actual amount of time they have been healing.
For these people, riding the rough with the smooth makes them feel nostalgic for the ex assclown or makes them wonder if it’s worth it, and if you’re in this camp, you are not ready to date yet, nevermind be in a relationship.
In essence, some can learn as they go, others need a bit more time; the key is that you need to be able to recognise which one you are and apply your judgement for the best medium and long term effects.
Let’s be real, a 3-6 month break from dating is not exactly a killer. If you can do a crappy relationship for longer, why can’t you take some dedicated you time for a short period?
Unless you need validation in the form of attention.
Yep, attention and validation are back again.
You may not be able to get validation from the chumps in your past, but that may not stop you from seeking out validation in the form of male attention and feeling that there is a possibility of a relationship on the horizon.
The thing is, if you’re not far enough along the healing route, you’ll just end up feeling invalidated if he’s not all you thought he would be.
If you need attention on the regular from men, especially from ‘unknowns’, and you can’t cope with the idea of your own company and the social company of family and friends for a few months, you need to start asking yourself why you are dating.
Remember desperation and loneliness, even if it is subtle, are assclown drawers.
One of the things I’ve definitely noticed is that for a quick fix, readers are going down the dating site route. Now I don’t date that there is the needle in the haystack of some decent prospects, but the reality is that using dating sites when you have some pretty important issues to work on, is like throwing yourself into a pool full of assclown and Mr Unavailable sharks and wondering why they tore a chunk off your leg….
I’ve talked before about the negative impacts of men using email/text messaging/IM as primary forms of contact, and I’ve made no secret of my dislike of online dating
and (here, here, and here)and it’s mainly because if there are quality men on these dating sites, they’re certainly hiding their light under a bushel of liars and cheats…
Right now, you need to keep things simple. Right now, you need to invest in you and stop chasing penis tail, because if you don’t, you’ll be getting the next train to Assclownville because you’re still treating men like the focal point of your life and giving men that don’t deserve your time, nevermind your pain and attention, waaay too much power to impact on your success.
So, if you know you’re not far enough down the path of healing, and you know that you could be derailed easily, ask yourself again, “Why am I still dating?”
Your thoughts?
Get ahead on understanding waste of space men and relationships with my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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I am 25 and it is not easier for me myalmostlover. I was with a man who I thot was my soul mate for 3 years after dating a whole lotta losers. He left me for another woman after lieing to me about her and stringing me along for a month. I miss him terribly even though he treated me like a bag of dog shit (which is insane of me). Since we have been apart and even when we were together men were and are always flocking to me but they are all ASSCLOWNS! I am waiting for the day when a real man will approach me w/o a hidden agenda. I feel like all of these dates are taking a toll on me and making me feel even more like crap than I did after I broke up w my ex. I’m am just learning to trust my better judement w men. It is not easy. I am lonely. I know I am a smart and beautiful woman. But maybe I undermine it too much and trade off on being “hot” instead which gets you dates but with jerks. I want to be married someday. I dont want to date losers anymore. They are wasting my time and draining my happiness. I love the way you put it,”I actually hate those two words “move onâ€. It sounds like there is something wrong with us if we have a hard time letting go. Everyone has there own pace.”
Mimi,
I think it depends on long it takes to “move on.” If you’re preventing yourself from getting on with your life and holding on to memories of what could have been it is a problem, most especially if you were treated poorly in the relationship. We must look within ourselves to understand why we are making poor relationship choices and not moving on from them. So, yes there is something wrong.
MiMi,
When you talk about a “flock” of men around you – that is something you are doing. When you talk about being “a beautiful woman,” that is something you are doing, too.
If you are in the center of a bunch of guys because of your beauty, or because you are “hot” – likely that hoped-for respectful and wonderful husband-to-be won’t see you. He will see what the flock of jerks see, and look elsewhere for a wife.
You aren’t “dressing” for the part you want to play. And I don’t mean just clothes and cosmetics. I mean, you aren’t picking and choosing the people you associate with on the basis of character, respect, honor, and courtesy. You aren’t making yourself available, and attractive, to the kind of respectful people you really want in your life.
This takes a change of attitude, a change of values, a change of understanding. And it is scary as scary can be. Because you would be changing from what you know – to something beyond what you now know.
Make friends with some good women – people of character, of respect and honest and honor. Learn to live “on the other side” where there aren’t so many jerks, where husbands and wives find each other.
Luck!
Brad K.’s last blog post..Back from the dead: Re-engaging with the ex
MiMi,
The problem is that the heart is so very adaptable. We latch onto someone for the best of reasons, and for the worst of reasons. The best defense, the best strategy for keeping heart and soul together, is to consciously choose the “type” of people we want in our lives. That includes choosing to live like that type of people.
People with goals like finding the best party, having great sex, or making an impression on some well-known, but shallow, person – can’t afford personal loyalty, or honor, or respect for themselves. They have more urgent priorities. If you instead demand respect in your life and among your acquaintances – or choose acquaintances and friends that know and show respect, you likely sacrifice finding the hottest clubs, parties, cars, etc. Because they, too, have more urgent priorities. Respectful priorities are just quieter, more directed to personal strengths than public displays.
I don’t know if I completely misunderstood your comment, whether I am totally wrong about the role of respect in your life. I am sure there is at least a bit of problem – or you wouldn’t be attracting people you don’t respect even though you enjoy part of their attention (it validates your fears about appearance and allure).
Brad K.’s last blog post..Why having a baby won’t save (or make) a relationship
I dated an assclown for 3 1/2 years… at the end of which he told me he did not want to commit to a woman who had a young child… It’s probably all my faut: I should not have not told him that the boy living with me was the little neighbour for all these years the assclown knew me! What a shock to him to discover I had a son!
Yep, an ass is an ass… within 5 months he was with someone else.
I was with someone for 10 years. Things deteriorated due to doubt, indecision, and I have low self esteem and self confidence which was a big contribution to it. 8 months down the track and I still think of him daily. But he has moved on. I think I am more self aware now. If something triggers a feeling in me, I realise it’s due to my insecurity or self esteem and let it pass.
I am getting to the point of being happy for him, happy if he is happy. It’s been a slow process and I’m not all there yet. He wants to be friends. I can’t imagine not having him in my life, but I need to get to the point of being completely ok with just being friends, in order to be honest with him and with myself.
My biggest issue is we have mutual friends. Seeing him will be inevitable. Seeing him with his new girlfriend will be inevitable, and painful I imagine.
It’s been a hard road, a really hard road, and I know it’s going to get worse before it gets better, as I delve into my issues. But I am hoping that the fact that I am pushing myself to heal and to understand myself better means there will be a light at the end of a very long tunnel.
Lisalisa,
Something grates in me, thinking that you feel good about him feeling better. Myself, I would wish him well – well enough to stay out of my life.
Mostly we learn to be confident by trying to affect our world, and succeeding. By taking a class in a subject we enjoy, and passing – or even passing with a great score. By trying a new recipe, a new maintenance task (change the things in the toilet tank!), and taking the time to line up tools, ingredients, instructions or teachers, and repeating until we get it right. We learn to greet people just because they might enjoy a greeting, and treasure the moments when they do.
A big part of moving on is separating your memories and dreams of the past relationship from your thoughts, plans, and dreams today. Encountering him in daily life re-engages thoughts and feelings, and delays your healing. You have chosen a very tough way to try to move on.
Luck.
Brad K.’s last blog post..For a happy marriage – look for the smile.
Lisalisa
Brad’s discomfort ( the grating) is a good insight. Maybe you are still living your life through the eyes, head and/or heart of the ex. I know it was that way for me with the EUM and three months into true NC I still have fleeting moments of that very odd sensation of still being ‘ in his head” in my mind. When I first started NC it was a whole month of the oddest feeling of still being pulled in by him, and of myself struggling to let go and have my head to myself.
Sorry if I am not being clear, its a bit hard to explain what I am talking about. There was an unpleasant addictive quality to the eight years with the EUM. The EUM I knew was emotionally manipulative, in sneaky ways, pulling me in, pushing me away. I got stuck in the push/ pull cycle and then in his world. And I guess you writing about being happy if he’s happy sounds like you might be stuck in his world too.
I do not know your story but if he treated you disrespectfully, erratically, dishonestly or was self serving when you were together, he is surely doing the same thing now to you as a “friend”. Those things sneakily damage one’s self esteem, no matter how strong you think you are, if you give weight to his belief system. Since you will not be able to avoid him totally you have the challenge of NC in the emotional sense. I’ll share more of my story, hope something here resonates.
First, about a long term relationship before the EUM. I have been, for decades, and still am in a business relationship with my ex. He is a good man, not the EUM that brought me to this site, and we work together several times a week. This is easy for me, and was from the beginning, because we both came to an intelligent well communicated understanding that our 20+ year romantic relationship was over. He admitted he was not willing to work on it anymore, wanted to pursue other interests that left little time for “us”, and was able to articulate his needs in a kind way that I understood and could not help but agree with. He went his way, romantically speaking, I went mine and our romantic relationship was dissolved. It was all handled so clearly and honestly that I did not struggle much, and it left the rest of our lives intact with little emotional drama. This is how we can work well together to this day.
BUT, there is the reason I am here.. the EUM I was very close friends with for almost ten years. Drama, disrespectful and irrational behavior were the hallmarks of his behavior. He also had the oddest way of getting intensely close before snapping back at me. The degrees of closeness/ shutting me out were extreme. He knew something was wrong, and often pulled me in to help, but never got any farther than that. He could never get it together to figure out and explain and work through his mixed up confusing behavior.
I got way sucked in, had never experienced anything like it, thought my friendship and love was strong enough to help him beat his challenges and with my help he would figure out his stuff and we could then explore a deeper relationship. There were many things I really liked about him. Took me many moons to realize I was wrong and stuck in some weird circular drama cycle of his, the push pull thing, that does not involve moving forward. Thus I started NC.
Unlike the ex, this is a very difficult and painful ending, Like I said, I really liked a lot of things about him. But the emo drama and ignorance about its destructive effect was not one of them. The ending of this is hard because there was no intelligent resolution or closure. He just shuts down when that kind of important and hard work is needed in the most significant of ways..emotionally. This of course, is why this site exists, the EUM is really discouraging and the effect on our confidence and psyches is bad.
But it is not hopeless. What it comes dowm to is the same as it was all along with the EUM. We have to do the work, all the work. So here we are with a lot of work to do. Like higher math. Not a bad thing really, but not easy. The hardest thing for me is to remove him from the equation unless its about how he relates to solving my problem..and my problem is understanding and dealing with the anger confusion and sadness over the whole EUM experience. Understanding my part in the relationship is also a key to solving it. I will repeat, the EUM himself has no place in this equation. But, understanding what EUM means and the effect the shabby behavior has on us and why we put up with it is a very important part of the equation. Thankfully, help with that part is all over this site.
If you will be seeing the EUM socially, your challenge will be to learn to do emotional NC, which is all in your head and not NC in the physcial sense. Frankly, I think this is what everyone who deos NC really should be working towards.
You want to be able look the EUM straight in the eye, and see them for just who they are; someone who does not respect themselves or you enough to have a decent emotional relationship with themselves or with you. You need to see them as they are, not willing or able to come through for you. You can be kind and polite and understanding but still very clear in your own head that you are not interested in pursuing anything with them.
You can say hello, talk some and move on. However, going out and drinking with them would always be a really bad idea – You need to be aware of the thing inside you that made you stay involved with them. Think it’s all about staying vigilant to knowing yourself, loving yourself, treating yourself well. At that point you have no need for an EUM, and are ready to be involved with an emotionally mature man. I expect this could be a slow recovery for me, and that’s OK.
Good luck to all of us.
Lisalisa – That started harshly – what bothered me was how invested you still are in his feelings. Moving on includes letting go of bonds to the past, and to the people you have to learn to live without. How he feels and acts is his own lookout, now.
I hope your days get brighter, soon.
Brad K.’s last blog post..The family, the child, and the culture of the home
I accidentally ran into this website as I was questioning myself after telling a guy that I won’t be friends with him after he made it clear to me that we had different relationship goals. Though I mentioned to him that if time permits I won’t mind hanging out with him once in a while. Funny, he never called back, never texted, emailed or anything! Thing his ego is hurt … as I am very kind and polite … guess he did not expect this from me!
All this was no fun for me … I went through self-doubt … for being pushy! But come to think of it he was the clingy one asking to stay friends and all!
I agree on mostly everything written in this article I shared a lot of common interests with him and I really enjoyed his company and a part of me feels sorry for him as he probably has never been truly loved by anyone. At the same time, I have learnt being kind to one’s own self is as important as being kind to others.
My 2 cents on online dating … there are lot of good men out there! I have met a couple of men who were ready for a relationship & committment … unfortunately I did not feel attracted to them. Not to say I am very picky … and like to exchange emails for a couple of months before meeting someone for a cup of coffee!
After reading this article my self-doubts are clearing and I feel happy about what I did … saved myself from lot of hurt! I still hurt but I feel in my heart that what I did was for the best of me!
NML, I would love to hear your take on healing while dating for women who’ve REALLY suffered at the hands of men. Being the survivor of a stranger sexual assault five years ago (and I won’t go into my previous history) dating is a huge challenge. At this point it isn’t even so much a holistic self-esteem issue, as it is an inssue of esteem that revolves specifically around relationships with men and sexuality. I pretty much took myself off the market for five years and tentatively started wading back in maybe two and half years ago (lots of therapy etc. etc.).
I’ve found that my own woundedness and negative energy seems to still attract some pretty messed up men. But it seems to me that it can’t really be healed/cleansed in any other forum than that of relationship. In fact, I got to a point in therapy where I was just like, “Look…I don’t know where else i can go with this. I like myself fine, I trust myself to be able to handle just about anything that comes up (although perhaps with some emotional difficulty). But if there’s anything lurking in the darkness I’m not going to know until it comes up…in a relationship.”
So really, putting myself back on hiatus isn’t an option for me. I did that. And it worked to a point. But really – for women (and men) like myself the healing is a process that goes on for a long, long time. BTW I’m almost 40 and I’d like to get married and have a family one day. At this rate I’m not sure it’ll happen.
my last but one ex was physically and verbally abusive, the one after that broke my heart which led to a clinical depression of over one year. I haven’t dated in five years and don’t think I will again. It is not worth it to me.
For some of us it just ain’t gonna happen. And I think that needs to be recognised.
I’m 45, old enough to know my own mind and what’s realistic.
Hi Linda
Best of luck with everything. I am 50, it is as if I fell into a groove at the beginning and for 35 years I repeated the same behavior.
I DO think it is fixable. It does start with inner work. The subconscious is the fountain of all that we do, so if you are a negative thinker you have to go to it and watch your thoughts.
Anything at all negative that pops up be aware of it. Pay attention to your thoughts in general, try not to judge yourself. Body work, energy healing over time can and do work. I was just in something troubling but it was brief and I ended it this time. I have done a ton of work and spent an enormous amount of money and time on myself. I know I will make it because I believe it. My life is improving in general I am less dependant, less aggressive, less pursuant and I am working on awareness and staying focused. I am seeing changes. I tell you this because you can do this to and have what you want.
So get there get yourself to believe that you will have what you want, whatever it takes and how long it takes. Do not worry about your age. This positive belief is the most important thing. Best of luck.
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