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Whilst that thing we refer to as dating is for having fun and getting to know each other, it is also the key period where you are looking out for the red flags that will later catch you with your pants down and infuriate the hell out of you. People have a nasty habit of wearing rose tinted glasses when they date someone and witness various red flags which they fail to acknowledge and act upon. If we want to have more successful relationships and minimise some of the pain we suffer in pursuit of love, we must learn to be more aware and pay attention to the red flags that ALWAYS get raised in those first few dates.
I say always because even though we all make a massive effort when we first meet someone, we can’t help but slip into our natural selves within the first few dates, plus we can’t control situations and life, which means we get put to the test and inadvertently reveal our true selves.
What is a ‘red flag’?
This is something that the party does which flags a potential problem either then or further down the line. Often ‘red flags’ are a character trait, for example aggression, and at other times it’s a fundamental core difference in values or something that is extremely important to you, that you really shouldn’t ignore. Red flags can and often will deal a fatal blow to the relationship. Ignoring these gives the person a lifeline to expand upon these red flags and the damage that can be dealt with this lifeline may have long lasting
repercussions.
The key with a red flag is that whatever it is, it’s something that alerts you to other potential issues or that normally you would be wary or not accepting of. They are normally things that you don’t want to compromise on.
We ignore red flags because:
- We’ve already slept with them and are already in the justifying zone, that place we go to where we keep finding reasons to stay with the person to justify sleeping with them.
- We want a relationship more than we want the right person.
- We’re insecure.
- We’re blinded by lust and desire.
- We have ‘I can change him’ syndrome.
In your mind as part of the natural process of life and certainly because you want to have a decent mate to have a relationship with, there should be certain predefined things that you know that you will not accept, regardless of how fabulous he is, or that will cause you to pause things and question the problem to clear up the red flag. Our inability to ask the right questions or even ask any questions at all is the very thing that is coming back to bite us further down when the person is acting out these behaviours and we feel bewildered.
Red flags:
Anger and aggression
– If he has trouble keeping it in check, he’s irrational, violent, and a bit too handy with his fists, be careful that you don’t end up being a human punchbag or being emotionally abused.
Emotionally unavailable
– Something that a lot of women are all too familiar with on this site. These are men that are extremely self absorbed and are incapable of sharing anything of themselves emotionally.
Dodgy attitude towards sex
– Pay attention to guys who don’t know what to do with themselves if they don’t get their ‘medicine’. Some of these will never be satisfied. Also unhealthy attitudes in the bedroom do spill over into other areas of your life and will leave you feeling very insecure.
Irresponsible
– Is he incapable of doing much for himself because he’s a mummy’s boy? Is he irresponsible with life in general – bills, rent, job and borrows money off you? Is he reckless?
Addicted to something
– If you meet someone and they are addicted to something and not aware of it and doing something about it, this will impact on your life greatly if you continue on.
The Controller
– Run like the wind from a man that wants to control you. It won’t let up and the longer you’re with them, the more entrenched he becomes in your life, is the worse he will become. Watch your self esteem walk out the door.
They play victim
– Be careful of anybody that refuses to take any responsibility for their life and blames it on others. You will eventually become one of those ‘others’. People who play the victim and refuse to see their own part to play in things make dubious partners.
Not over the ex
– Not over the ex, not ready for you. Plain and simple.
Problems with past/childhood
– Unfortunately things happen in life and it can be difficult getting over things and dealing with them. Some things have a very lasting effect on people and can impact hugely on future relationships. They of course can be overcome, but failure to acknowledge these issues in the first place and openly deal with them will cause big problems.
Nasty and spiteful
– I am always wary of people who don’t have a good thing to say about anyone and begrudge people their success and revel in their failures. I don’t think it’s the fabric of a good strong character and it’s something to keep an eye on. Mean spirited people don’t stop being so in a relationship and may attack your self esteem by latching on to what they think are flaws in you.
Now how much of a blow these red flags deal to your relationship is down to you. You must decide on what is and isn’t acceptable and stick to it, and of course follow your gut. One of the things that allows people with some of these red flags to ‘prosper’ and to continue as normal is acceptance of the behaviour as is, with rarely any questions asked. If you have someone with any of the above, raise the issue with them, or if it’s serious enough, bail out and don’t look back.
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I have been alone for 16 years and recently I was dealing with aot of family problems(mother was extremely ill). Normally, I don’t deal with men who are emotional unavailable, due to being hurt very badly by one mentally and emotionally years ago and ended up with a son. It took me years to get strong and to know what I want and need from a partner. But, at the time of the emotional crisis in my life I let one end. I knew what he was and I knew that I could due better but I got involve. Love me, love me, I begged and he loves it. Anyway I’m tired and I really don’t need to be with him he is dangerous for me. So I am going to change my number and move on. I have not gotten into calling him alot but the moment I try to break off he will call me. So I’ve decided to end it by changing my number and during that periond working on me again. Why did I get involve this long with this guy? We have nothing in common and we would have never have met if this crisis had not happen. Why I cam’t feel mad because I knew his type (red flags painted the sky!!!} and I still gave him a chance. I need to change my number because if I dont he will work on me emotionally. I like him but his behavior I hate so I am walking away but for carry the feelings and emotions of hating a person. I need a positive, nuturing relationship and he can’t give me that. He is more needy than I thought he though he is trying very hard to make me feel needy. He can not maintain a friendship because he is not honest, trustworthy, and dependable etc….I don’t have anything to say to him because its crazy going over over something that not interest in changing. I am not his therapist and he is driving me into needing one. I bailing out, too bad for him I had alot to offer in a relationship but he does not appreciate me. I need to work on being kind to me now, how can I avoid this mistake again?
Hi Marie,
By never, NEVER, ignoring red flags again. They are you values and come from your gut. I to ignored the most blatant red flags once, and did I pay? in dividends. But fromt hat massacare of a relationship, I learnt about myself and that some people have to many and some such huge issues we as women cannot help. Remember we are their girlfriends not therapists. Im not heartless in any way shape or form, I truly understand people have baggage and why. However its not our job to sort everyone out. You can show them the way by example, not spending hours playing life coach. If they dont get it. Its time to go. For your own sake.
I’m proud of myself that I did listen to my gut when I went out on a date 6 months ago (this was after I was conscious of not choosing healthy partners) … On his dating profile, he had “NO” next to drinking, but when I did a little background search online to see if he was on any other website, on the other profile it said “SOCIALLY”… I initially didn’t mind he didn’t drink, especially since I decided it wasn’t the best thing for me and gave up drinking because of drinking problems (nothing too major but enough to stop because of bad situations I got me into with dating/social/etc)… We get to the restaurant and he orders a drink, so I ask “On your dating profile it says you don’t drink”… and he swept it under the rug “you know how I said I filled the profile out so quickly”… I go “is it maybe because you were contimplating on whether not to drink… and he admitted he did have a problem with it (but apparently thinks he has a handle on it) but then continued to complain on the date, with other flags which indicated he was not emotionally available. I suppose when I first met him for coffee and he asked me how much I pay in rent, that should of indicated something… but wasn’t a major flag and just stood my boundaries.
Gina, what was he complaining about? Also, how did you find him on other dating sites, did he have pictures posted?