Sex – When Sex is Just Sex: It is what it is but how about the guys speak up!
February 29, 2008 by NML
A few days ago I wrote about The Justifying Zone, that slippery slope that women can find themselves on when they stick with a guy so that they can justify their emotional or sexual investment, even if they recognise that that the relationship is doomed. A couple of male commenters raised the point that sometimes a guy just wants sex, which of course made me want to revisit this subject.
Ladies, we like to see shades of grey, read between the lines, and see gold (or even platinum) where there is in fact copper, but sometimes sex, really is just that; SEX. It’s not the beginning of a grand love affair, it’s not an indicator of greater things to come, and it’s not a great idea to base a relationship solely off how good a guys strokes are…
The trouble is, are guys honest enough to say that sex is just sex?
Guys, we are not frickin’ mind readers. We don’t find out things by osmosis and there are many men out there that do not own a pair of brass balls to be upfront and honest about their intentions, or should I say, sexual intentions. Instead, because they don’t want to be perceived as a total bastard and of course they don’t actually want to endanger the possibility of actually getting laid, they bring on all the hearts, flowers, charm, and hints of more to come, only to have to backtrack and make a rapid disappearance afterwards.
This is all a double edged penis sword. Yes we should both be adult enough to screw like rabbits and walk away but we are humans. Casual sex is rarely just ‘casual’ and it’s only casual sex if BOTH parties know that they’re having casual sex in the first place!
As far as I’m concerned, it is just sex if:
One or both of you actually say it is
You meet and screw in the same night (one night stand)
The only thing that exists between you both irrespective of how long you have known each other is sex
Anything else is open to misinterpretation and it is alarming how many women will still see it as more even if it is one of the above situations.
“Yeah but we talk a lot” one woman said to me recently. Moaning, groaning, asking when you can meet up, and making small talk to facilitate you both having sex and appearing polite is NOT talking a lot!
Whilst I do think that we can be guilty of building sandcastles in the sky on occasion, I have to say here that much of the ambiguity that surrounds sex and women feeling the need to justify the fact that they slept with the guy by investing themselves further is caused by ambiguous, hard to read men who blow hot and cold and leave everything ‘literally’ wide open to interpretation. So guys, if it’s just sex, maybe you should start by saying it is, or avoid going for women who clearly want more than you’re actually able to give!
But…ladies, ladies, ladies, heed the signs. If it walks like duck, quacks like a duck, and flaps its pretty little wings like a duck, it’s a duck. Pause for a moment the next time you’re in this situation and strip away all of the rationalising, reasoning, and justifying, and ask yourself if you have anything left besides a walking, talking…penis.
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NML, I think there has to be another qualification to make sex casual. The lady can’t be thinking. As in, mobile but seriously under the influence. Otherwise she doesn’t have the shield of ‘I wasn’t thinking’, and there you are on the slippery slope again..
As for why the confusion, consider this. Guys don’t have much control over their partner. That is, we are completely untrained, after the initial contact, about what happens next. Instead of base ulterior motives, for the most part the goal is ’see if this step works’. If it gets up between the sheets - that is winning the lottery, not another conquest (except for the cads, that is). If we get to a kiss, a cuddle - we are completely wrapped up in what the lady will allow, with no possible room to think about why we are there.
Which is a big reason to pick your partner for good and sufficient reasons - before you start getting close. Separate the learners from the dedicated predators (i.e., ‘casual sex’). For the learners, ‘casual sex’ means unplanned - the pace and goal of the encounter is unplanned, beyond going as far as she allows, the context is unplanned, beyond encouraging her to allow more, and anything beyond a possible repeat encounter is just pipe dreams.
Sorry. For most of the good guys, it isn’t lack of interest in a relationship, it is failure to plan - as in, waiting for marriage or something similar.
Just be sure to avoid the slick talkers practiced at making a lady feel comfortable and stirs erotic feelings. The good guys won’t be nearly as practice - the first or second time he makes contact with a good woman, she keeps him and he isn’t interested in looking for someone else.
NML, this is a great post. I’m an advocate of casual sex, but the fact is (this me agreeing with you) that MOST people can’t handle it for whatever reasons. On the guy’s side, I’d like to throw out a number…I want to say 95% of guys are too insecure or too dumb to handle a casual sex or friends-with-benefits situation. I strongly believe that women are more capable of handling casual sex on an emotional level because they are naturally more skilled at managing emotions. Guys, on the other hand, are built for casual sex on a biological level, but generally they’re emotional infants, so there’s a big conflict. This is my theory, and I wouldn’t mind hearing dissenting opinions. Anyway, I’ll say the number for chicks is like 65%, maybe even closer to a coin flip, on who can handle casual sex.
Typical guys will duck, dodge, get closed up, lie, make relationship promises, and do all kinds of stupid things in order to get laid. I can’t tell you how many men I know (including myself) that have suffered through lengthy, mis-matched relationships because they’re getting sex regularly. When I say suffer, I mean suffering for both partners.
They do this because they’re afraid of taking the risky route and simply saying, “I’m ONLY interested in being friends and screwing, NOT a relationship.” She could very well say no thanks, but guess what? You’re saving both people a WORLD of grief.
This is exactly why I’m a blogger and an advocate for more enlightenment in the dating world. I hate seeing douchebaggy guys who fumble around and hurt their partners and themselves because they don’t know what the hell they’re doing. And I hate seeing bitter, overly-cautious chicks who have to wait 3 months before having sex just to make sure a guy is really all in.
We all want great sex. Sometimes we want a relationship. Sometimes we just want to screw. It’s possible to have it both ways.
Well, as you know, I am a huge proponent of casual sex, when it is honest and healthy.
I don’t need to be ‘incapacitated’ as an excuse for my guilt the next day as Brad mentions.
Nor do I have any shame in admitting to having been in this situation, of my own free will accord.
(read my previous article here on CSBF)
and sometimes, in the best possible situation, you are and can still be friends. it is a great deal.
But, if I like someone and am interested in long term, I don’t go this route, simply because I want to ensure that he does want me for me and not for my bedroom behaviour. Which of course he will eventually get, and definitely in shorter than 3 months! OMG, I don’t think I could wait that long, forget the guy!!! LOL
Again, it’s all about being 100% honest with yourself. No regrets, no shame, no justification.
That’s the only way respect will happen.
And that is key in a FB situation…
Women are better equiped in dealing with casual sex than men? Ummm, I don’t think that’s the case. In fact, women usually view sex as an act of emotional acceptance of their relationship. Men generally view sex more on the physical aspect and women more on the emotional. This is not to say that this is ALWAYS true with all women and men, but this is generally the case.
Point in case — when men cheat by having sex with another women, they generally are doing so for more physical reasons. Women, on the other hand, generally will cheat because there is some type of emotional deficit within their relationship.
Also, men are emotional infants? Again, that’s a glossy statement. I don’t know about how you grew up, but I had a lot of enriching experiences with women and I learned a lot about women from interacting with my mother — that’s how most men begin their education on the female sex. To say that a man is an emotional infant into his 20’s and 30’s is a very naive statement.
The bottom line is this. Both women and men can enjoy casual “no strings attached” sex, but they both have to go into it with that clear expectation that it is just for physical enjoyment. If one or both enter the act of sex with unsure intentions, someone could easily wind up getting hurt.
Like so many other things in life, communication is paramount and if you’re going to dabble in casual sex, you had better prepare yourself for the ramifications because sex is still an intensely personal and private experience despite what shows like Sex in the City would have you believe.
“Casual sex is rarely just ‘casual’ and it’s only casual sex if BOTH parties know that they’re having casual sex in the first place!”
This is very true. But if casual sex becomes regular sex, boy and female are likley to want a relationship.
on the whole “men or women who can handle casual sex better?” issue i will just say there is such variation from person to person in terms of emotional development at all ages that its really luck of the draw,
again i am an advocate of casual sex and until recently i was a practicer of it too
the one peice of advice i have to a guy who is after casual sex but doesnt want to risk losing sex over being upfront about it is this, 9/10 the girl who is up for casual sex is much much better at sex than the one who wants a relationship and wont settle for anything else.
that is not to say women who are good at sex dont want relationships or even that they will accept less than a relationship. (the disclamer)
if you are unsure on the relationship side but know you want to have sex with a girl tell her this, let her know ur uncertain about the one thing and sure about the other, its just honesty, but aside from that you look so much better, i mean from her point of view you are an honest man who has the balls to admit and be open about his feelings.
oh and fyi to all those innexperienced guys out there having sex with different girls only makes you better at it if your not scared to admit to them that your not perfect in bed and ask them what they like, remember she will think you are a mindreader let her know you arent. plus staying with the one girl untill you know exactly what she wants in bed doesnt guarantee good sex, your best bet for great sex is some experience, some natural talent, a steep learning curve and a little bit of luck
anyway good luck to all you people seeking casual sex out there, remember men and women may be inherently different in many ways but we both want sex