I get so many emails lamenting the confusion of women not feeling attracted to decent guys. Often we’ll try to force ourselves to keep dating them despite not seeing a future or resign ourselves to being mistreated by not-so-nice guys. Let me tell you why this happens.

The term’ nice guy’ is a blanket description women use as an excuse not to pursue a second date/relationship. It’s a wishy-washy reason for our lack of interest. When we use this excuse, you will hear words and phrases such as:

‘boring’, ‘too nice’, ‘too quiet’, ‘not exciting enough’, ‘didn’t make me feel horny’, ‘would make a great friend’, ‘no sparks,’ ‘unassertive’, ‘bland’, ‘would rather watch paint dry’, and the list goes on.

Some men blame their lack of dating success on being ‘too nice’.

  • Oh, it must be because I’m too nice.
  • They don’t ‘get’ me.
  • I don’t wanna treat her like shit.
  • I’m a decent guy.
  • I want to treat her like a princess, and she wants to be treated like she doesn’t exist.
  • I should just be an asshole and then she’d want me.

And bla, bla, bla.

It seems that whether women or men are speaking about the ‘Nice Guy’ issue, it’s all a get-out option.

Blaming lack of interest (or success) on being ‘nice’ is a lazy reason. We don’t have to delve deeper into why we’re not attracted to someone, even if it stems from our own issues. The guy gets to duck out of confronting any real problems and chooses to bumble along, assuming that he’s God’s gift to the Nice Guy camp.

If you have a consistent habit of being involved with dubious men or in dubious relationships, it’s because you’re attracted to men who reflect the negative things you believe about love, relationships, and yourself. There is this common misconception that women chase Bad Boys/Jerks/assclowns. In reality, women with negative or misguided beliefs are drawn to and draw in relationships that cater to negative beliefs and feelings of low self-worth.

If you’re thinking, ‘But I really want to be loved and cherished, so why aren’t I attracted to the good guys?’ heres why:

You keep invalidating/cancelling your feelings about the relationship because you don’t know what a healthy relationship looks or feels like. You’re geared up to chase the type of guy that makes you miserable. They’re your ‘type’, the one you profess better compatibility with that you share ‘common interests’.

You feel suspicious and wary when confronted with a ‘nice guy’. You look for the catch and may even feel like he’s mocking you. You’ll be in suspended disbelief. And even though you may find it flattering at first, as you haven’t changed your beliefs about relationships, you won’t believe he’s any good for you. You may even sabotage the relationship with your insecurity, acting up to see if he really is that nice. Maybe you treat him like one of your exes. Doing so gives you reasons not to trust him when he may just be a decent guy wanting to spend time in your presence.

Ever said stuff like this:

  • It all seems too normal.
  • I’m not really used to someone treating like this.
  • I’m starting to feel claustrophobic as he wants to spend so much time with me. I need some space.
  • I feel like I’m turning into my ex Mr Unavailable/assclown.
  • Nobody can be this nice!
  • I initially enjoyed [his niceness] as it seemed so different, but I felt uneasy and bored.
  • Why would a nice, regular guy like this want to be with me? There must be a catch.
  • What’s the catch?
  • I wish he’d be just a bit more ‘edgy’.
  • Yeah, he’s not really my type. I prefer ’em XYZ. I’ll give it a go, though.

You have to start asking yourself:

What’s wrong with ‘normal’? Or, what’s your idea of it? Is your idea of normal what you’re comfortable with?

What are you used to being treated like? Is that the treatment you’d like to continue experiencing? Does it feel bad to be treated differently? If it doesn’t, why can’t you just enjoy it?

Doesn’t the claustrophobia issue sound like what your ex would experience [from you]? Why do you feel this way? Why are you pushing someone away and finding reasons to be distant? Do you want commitment?

Is your behaviour similar to your ex’s? Don’t worry, you’re not turning into him. However, acknowledging similarities helps you understand how you slotted into the dynamic. Rather than give in to the feeling, ask yourself why you behave like this and get rational.

Do you have so little faith in people after your relationships? Of course, people can be nice, good, and decent. He’s not perfect; he’s just different.

Do you feel uneasy and bored because of the lack of drama and the unfamiliar territory?

Isn’t it possible that not every guy you get involved with needs to be screwed up? Have you entertained the possibility that a nice guy might want to be with you because he likes you, isn’t afraid to show it, and doesn’t want to play games?

Why does there have to be a catch? Have you lost your faith in people? If you’re distrustful, you’ll kill off potentially decent relationships with your lack of trust in their actions and your judgment.

What does ‘edgy’ mean? You’ll get ambiguous or insubstantial relationships if you’re ambiguous or chase insubstantial stuff.

Why experiment with someone? Go in with integrity rather than toying with someone as if you’re trying on a new pair of shoes. You wouldn’t want someone to treat you in the same way.

You want instant highs, instant results, infatuation, fireworks, excitement, ‘passion’, to be turned on, and lust, and you fail to recognise and value genuine connections because this other stuff blinds you.

When you’re not feeling the familiar feelings of what you get with your ‘type’, you decide, in this instance, to trust what you perceive to be your judgement and determine that the guy is not for you.

I’m going to be real with you: If you have misguided ideas about compatibility, type, and common interests and have a history of being in dubious relationships or being attracted to dubious people who cannot give you a healthy, committed relationship, by deciding to discard a guy that’s ‘too nice’ or a ‘nice guy’, you’re giving yourself far too much credit for your own feelings. You’re overvaluing your credibility even though you have consistent evidence to show that you don’t always act in your best interests and gravitate to people who cannot give you what you want.

You’re effectively looking to repeat the same negative relationship patterns. It’s relationship insanity: doing the same thing repeatedly, such as choosing the same guy, different package, having the same beliefs, emotional baggage, etc, and then expecting different results.

You likely want to be railroaded, bamboozled, or bulldozed by your feelings.

Unless you feel overwhelmed and damn near obsessed, you’ll decide it’s not love and that he’s not the guy for you. You’ll write him off as a… ‘nice guy’.

Rather than write off being with a healthy man and a healthy relationship because you’re yearning for the uncomfortable familiar, make sure you have addressed what you’re looking for in your relationships, can go into dating with a reasonable level of trust, and are not clinging to old love habits. Don’t kneejerk your way out of dating someone who’s your ‘type’. 

If you get involved with someone who creates familiar feelings or causes you to feel like you’re ‘coming home’, I’d take that as a massive, early warning signal that you are putting yourself in danger of repeating a relationship pattern and indulging in relationship insanity.

Take your time; there is no fire (really), and look for your relationship to build instead of a big firework display that doesn’t amount to much.

And I should add, not being into someone who’s ‘nice’ doesn’t mean you’re forever destined to be with assclowns and Mr Unavailables. It also doesn’t mean that just because someone is ‘nice’ that they’re the one for you. Please don’t force yourself to keep dating them if you’re not interested! Move on! However, it does mean that you need to do some work to understand who you are attracted to and why. You may value excitement factors and superficial stuff over people with integrity, love, care, trust, and respect, even though it’s the latter stuff that you actually want. 

Read my posts on values and compatibility, type, and common interests.

Your thoughts?

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