It’s Friday night here in the UK and I’m pretty sure, as happens every weekend, that some of you will be waiting for that ‘certain someone’ to call/text/email about the possibility of making arrangements. Some of you by the time you read this will have ended up making last minute plans and have been on tenterhooks all week watching your phone etc for ‘The Big Invite’ and some of you will end up sorely disappointed either because you don’t hear from them or because when you do, it’s at some obscene hour or they behave like a twit.
Here’s the thing: When you wait around for someone to ask you out and you put yourself on layaway so that you can be available should they see fit to ‘make contact’ and dignify you with their presence, you inadvertently communicate that not only do they not have to value your time or even you as a person, but that you’re an option. An option I might add, that could do with filling up their life with better pastimes than being lastminutedate.com. or Dial-a-Lay.
The weekend thing is just one example of many where you communicate that you’re OK with being an option. Here’s a few more:
No matter how many times they reject you or the relationship, you’re up for another sequel – A Nightmare on Relationship Street #135
You say you’ll ‘wait’ even when they tell you not to.
They say they don’t want to commit and want to keep things casual and you play the ‘long game’ so that if they spontaneously combust into being available, you’ll be ready to ‘step in’.
They’re dating/sleeping with others and even though it makes you feel like crap, you stick around.
You sit at the round table in their harem, fawning over them and competing for their attention.
They say “You know where I am if you change your mind” after you told them to take a run and jump because they’re attached/otherwise unavailable/a dipstick.
You play The Good Girl/Guy and suckerdart yourself to them as Friend of the Year post breakup so they can recognise your greatness, validate you, and hopefully see the error of their ways – they think “Hmmm, looks like they’re OK with being tapped up for a shag from time to time”.
They can call you up at any time of night and sextext with you or arrange to hook up.
No matter how much time has passed and no matter how flimsy or bad the history, they can come back. Don’t believe me? Just ask many of the people who get caught out by the Returning Childhood ‘Sweetheart’.
You’re hanging around waiting for them to break up with their new partner so you can pick up where you left off.
You let your ex call you up for an ego stroke or to bitch about their current relationship. They think “Hmmm…well at least I know that if things don’t work out, I’ve got X to fall back on”.
They show or tell you that they’re not over their ex or ready for a relationship and you keep pumping up your emotional airbag and buffering them.
You communicate “I know you think you can do better but when you discover that you can’t, I’ll be right here waiting for you”.
They tell you that they’re married/have a partner after they’ve been acting like they’re single and you don’t so much as flinch – they then know that you’re likely up for playing the third wheel.
You keep hanging around trying to convince them that they should be with you and demanding that they love you.
You’re still talking to them and making room for them in your life no matter how poorly they’ve treated you.
When you allow yourself to be an ‘option’, you hang around letting them use you up with a possibility of being ‘chosen’ while often committing yourself to the idea that they’re your only option.
You’re giving them freedom and the right to ‘choose’ you while curtailing your own freedom and diminishing your self-esteem and your boundaries in the process which removes your power and creates a greatly imbalanced ‘relationship’. Instead of being in an equitable, mutual partnering, you hand over all of your power and then lay down and let a doormat sprout from you.
Being an option gives other people the option of directing your life, even if they don’t want to.
In business, options exist to provide the right to buy or sell something within a specified timeframe at a set price. In relationships where people make ‘deals’ but often don’t have deal breakers , if you’re allowing yourself to be an ‘option’, it’s like putting a deal on the table even though the person has backed out, isn’t interested, or is not an appropriate relationship partner to make a mutually fulfilling relationship deal with.
You’re giving them the choice of keeping you in their back pocket for a rainy day emotional airbag to fallback on for an ego stroke, shag or a shoulder to lean on.
You’re also communicating that you’re OK with being a choice – there are other options – which allows them to keep their options open. But more worryingly, when you allow yourself to be an option, you communicate that they don’t have to choose, they don’t have to value you and they are free to reject you and pick up again when they feel like it.
Being an option means you’re uncommitted and they’re uncommitted.
It also means that you’re prevented from having the choice to be available for an available relationship because being someone’s option shuts you off to other opportunities. Don’t believe me? If you’ve ever tried to date while being an option for someone, you’ll have struggled to be emotionally present and correct because you’re unavailable and into the person you’ve optioned yourself to.
You’ll never be able to move on with your life, feel a sense of personal contentment and forge a happier, mutually fulfilling relationship with someone that values you, if you’re option for someone else that doesn’t or only values you for what they can get out of you on their terms.
You’re not someone they can call up last minute and squeeze into their oh so hectic life. You’re someone to be made plans with and to co-pilot a relationship and a future with. They’re either in, or they’re out – don’t give them the option to flit between or dip their pinky toe in.
Never allow someone to reject you (directly or indirectly) more than twice.
I’d say once, but I’m all too aware how people are obsessed with second chances. But three times and beyond – it’s time to get off the relationship crack.
Your thoughts?
Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1082 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Miss Option, you asked why a few times and stated that he hasn’t kept his promise to you. I think ultimately if you don’t know where you stand in a relationship, it’s because you don’t stand anywhere in it. If a man is in love with you he will tell you. If he wants to be with you, he’ll do what it takes to be with you. He won’t want to risk losing you to another man. If he’s avoiding you, it’s because he doesn’t have anything positive to tell you, he doesn’t miss you. You are better off not trying to get answers from his perspective, opt instead to live with a few unanswered questions and try to focus on rebuilding your self esteem. One more thing, to ask yourself is why are you twisting yourself into a pretzel, expecting a cheating married man to act honourably to you?
Awesome advice!!
Thank you Natalie for this post. I wasn’t going to comment this time, because I am so embarrassed about my behavior last night. But I decided to because I need to stop my insanity spiral! My EUM promised to see me this weekend after sending me a text saying he wanted to take me out on the town and he missed me (I haven’t heard from him for almost two weeks). I waited all night last night for him. He never called or responded to my phone calls or texts. I ended up crying all night and texted and emailed tons describing my pain and begging for him to respond. I would text or email I was angry and in the next text or email, apologize and beg him to just please answer me. I told him I just needed to know why he did this to me (again!). This morning I read them all and they are so pathetic and pitiful I sounded like a desperate fool (I am!). Yet he ignored them all. I am so ashamed. But I know that if he called me this morning and apologized, I know will let him come over. But he won’t. I see now, that whenever he plans to “disappear” for awhile, he always builds me up. I feel so manipulated and used. But I love him so and again this kind of drama hurts me so but excites me. LIke he is the most desired man alive, although the feeling is so very painful. I know I will want to keep texting him all week, begging him to respond and he still won’t. How do you stop and do a NC? How do you get strong enough and not give in to the impulse to text? Phone calls are easy to stop, but emails and texts are hard because you can beg and not feel as vulnerable.
But, I will keep reading your blogs, because I know you and others have, so I have hope.
Vanja – there comes a point where you really must realise that although his behaviour is selfish and crappy, he is not the one doing this to you, you are doing it to yourself.
You must go back and read Nat’s posts that are most pertinent to your own behaviour – e.g. those on emotional unavailability, boundaries, red flags and seeking validation etc. You must begin to see that you have lost all sense of your own value as something independent of him and so are now the woman who thinks so little of herself that she is begging and whining at this guy to validate her.
This behaviour de-values you in his eyes as well as your own- it’s like queuing up to sign your own death warrant. We cannot expect anyone else to respect us if we have no respect for ourselves. When I think of some of my behaviours with my ex Mr EU I now cringe and die a thousand deaths of mortification! When you feel the ‘cringe’ – you must pay heed! – that’s your self pride kicking in. Dig deep for the cringe factor – and stop blaming him for continuing to cause your distress – you are the real cause of it because it is you who keeps lining up for more of the same; he is EU – he will go back and forth like a boomerang – he is not investing anything in you, so stop investing in him and stop begging for crumbs. Cut yourself off from him, for your own sake and sanity. Good luck.
“When you feel the ‘cringe’ – you must pay heed!”
Ugh. Yes, the cringing. This is pretty much where I’m at. Wondering….where, how I got so sucked in, and just sick at the thought of letting this go on for so long, when I did indeed have an inkling to back off, several times, a year ago!
Ugh. Bah. I feel sick about this, knowing now it’s been me along hurting myself. Time to somehow pick myself up…….
Vanya
If I could put you under house arrest I would. Please try to maintain the last shreds of your dignity and not let this man use you anymore. You know that you’ve humiliated yourself yet you are already thinking about the next time you’re going to humiliate yourself. This is you doing this to yourself. Yes he’s a numpty but he’s not exactly hiding it is he? Save yourself!
You do not love him. That is not love. It is pain.
When you feel love, you will know. Because you will feel it for yourself first.
Love feels good.
Pain feels bad.
Love doesn’t hurt, PAIN hurts.
What you feel for him doesn’t sound like love.
Real love would see it isn’t in either your or his best interest to continue this painful entanglement and would desire to set you both free from it. The initial break hurts, but it’s the kind of pain one feels when exposing a festering, fetid wound to fresh air and sunlight. Eventually it starts to heal and feels so good you never ever ever want to beat yourself with an AC hammer again.
“You’re still talking to them and making room for them in your life no matter how poorly they’ve treated you.” So true, I can’t believe I can be so silly. I’ve taken so long to recognise my value so I broke it off with someone a couple weeks ago. 2 weeks of no contact, he contacts me just for an ego stroke, I’m sure now. Instead of telling him to shove it, I told him I missed him…like a fool. He is soooooo not good enough for me and I know it. I need to take the power back, delete him, or tell him to stop contacting me?
I finally figured out that, I do not actually miss him, I was just confused. You see, we only dated for 3 months but his crazy friends and ex-girlfriends have been following me around in one way or another so I thought, jeez, how am I still dealing with his baggage when I’ve gotten rid of him!? I’m just frustrated he hasn’t taken his baggage with him and I sit here going…the least I deserve is him to clean this mess up and take it with him.
Vanja: you say “I sounded like a desperate fool (I am!). Yet he ignored them all. ” Not quite. He ignored them *especially because* you are acting like a desperate fool. He is obviously turned off by this behavior –who wouldn’t be?– but he might feel sorry for you, which is why he occasionally reciprocates contact, and ends up promising stuff he himself has no desire to do, but saying so temporarily makes one or both of you feel better about the situation. Not a good strategy. He hasn’t figured out that he needs to do NC on you for the sake of you both. But you’ve found BR so you have a head start; can you beat him to it? With this history, nothing good will ever come of you two.
I hope you don’t misunderstand when I say it is actually a good sign that you feel ashamed after reading your own texts. It tells me you are capable of another perspective. Now, stay with that perspective and do what you must to control your texting impulses, so you have no reason to feel ashamed of yourself again. How, you ask? Just do it.
This is my first time posting and I’m so glad I found this site. It has and continues to be really helpful to me. I came off anti depressants last year after being suffering from depression and during the time I was sick my EUM kept in touch. I had the odd text, phone call, he even sent a lovely card one year asking how I was. Last year he got in touch and even though I told him I was feeling vulnerable and not socialising much yet he pursued me really hard until I gave in. We had known each other for over 10 yrs and I wrongly thought he might have changed. (the man is in his 40′s and has never had a stable relationship! what was a I thinking – major red flag! He’s always been charming & ‘nice’- (We had a short relationship 10 yrs ago and I had dumped him because he wouldn’t commit) – unfortuately for another EUM. Of course I was also EU due to my 11 yr marriage breaking up which left me devastated at the time and unable to trust men. Last year we ended having a ‘relationship’ for 2 mths until I confronted him about a woman who was always hanging around. His answer was they are just friends and nothing more and she knows that! After that he started to go ‘cold’ on me and when I said I had feelings for him he withdrew pulling the rug from under me. I sent him a letter about how I felt he had treated me badly. He rang saying how we were friends and was I blaming him! I told him that it he had some responsibility being as two people were involved. I was left reeling and felt like i was slipping back into depression and this would have happened if not for my brilliant counsellor. We still communicated ‘trying the friends’ route (LOL – how crackers was I), then I cut contact as I got fed up with him sending me meaningless texts just to keep a link and it finally dawned on me how cruel he had been given that he had know how ill I had been. I ‘forgot’ (LOL) his birthday on purpose (he had never acknowledge mine!) and hey presto I received an email full of compliments on the night of his birthday! I can’t tell you how freak out I was by that. How narcissitic can you get! I still see him sometimes at dances with his harem one of whom ‘staked’ her claim by coming over to hand him a bag when he came over to talk to me. I felt like telling her to check out BR and wake up! He’s no body’s man,LOL. It has made me cringe with think…
I don’t think it’s a good thing that every single post on this blog relates to my dating (or lack thereof) life. I have often put myself in the position of being someone’s option, most notable in the two relationships I’ve had in my life with MMs. Even now, being interested in someone who is single but EU, I feel like I’m starting to look desperate…mainly because I feel desperate.
I know everything in these posts is true, and honestly some of the most insightful advice I’ve ever gotten, but it’s so hard to “do the right thing” when you really like someone. I know putting myself first means putting my foot down, but I don’t want to lose the possibility of this guy one day choosing me…god, I sound just like the example scripting above. Sigh.
Bri:
I’ve learned that what is meant for you, is meant for you and you don’t have to degrade yourself and bend in all sorts of impossible positions for it! If this man is “meant for you”, then you having some self esteem and boundaries will not stop that, however, if it causes him to run the other way, then he simply isn’t the one for you and you’re actually doing yourself a great service! I know the feeling of getting stuck on someone and believing that you must have them and they are so wonderful and IT and you think that damning your self worth to hell is all worth it so long as you get even a piece of this person…smh….it always turns out badly and then in hindsight you wonder what the eff made you feel they were even worth it at all.
If you “miss your chance” with him because of your self worth…then it’s safe to say, you NEVER had a chance in hell in the first place. If you end up getting him after waiting around and degrading yourself, as other women have proven, it is short lived OR you spend months and years wasting time, going back and forth, not being sure where you stand, being disappointed, being hurt, being rejected and worst off, STILL LONELY, although this person is supposedly “in your life”….it is the worst.
In the end the whole thing is counterproductive as you ultimately don’t get what you want from this person, so it’s all a waste and an illusion to think that you can lose your chance with someone who doesn’t want you anyway. As NML has said, it’s not anything that you’re doing that is responsible for how they are, or it’s not that you did have a future but did something to change it…you NEVER did! When you think of it that way, it’s easier to leave it alone and move on and think of it as simply something that isn’t for you and what is custom made for you is still out there.
Bri,
Yes, it is hard, but what is it you think you are – a bargain? Don’t up your price to put your foot down, up your price because that is what you are worth!
Here’s the paradox about losing the possibility of him choosing you: In order to provide him with every possible opportunity of choosing you, you have to be an open option for him, which means you are not presenting a limited edition on sale for one week only; you are offering an unlimited supply that’s on sale all year round – 24/7 – getting cheaper and cheaper as you slash your price lower and lower until you finally fling yourself from the shelf into the ‘clearance’ bucket in an attempt to make the sale – to get chosen. If you place a low value on yourself so will everyone else – and so will he. Your reasoning is utterly counterproductive.
Are you turning yourself into a doormat because you have deduced he wants to buy a doormat – eventually? And if only you can convince him you are the most effective doormat available to 21st century man the more alluring you will become? Why would the guy fall in love with a woman who demonstrates to him time and time again that she is not worth very much… that she has little to no value… why would he fall in love with (or choose) a doormat? Would you? I suspect you’d rather go for the whole carpet… so will he.
You choose. Choose YOU!
Not trying to be harsh with you here…Good luck!
Bri, you say you really like him, what do you like about him?
cave
probably the ususal thing – funny, charming, good-looking, and not around!
These guys are not worth trying to get answers from about their feelings or their behavior. They just aren’t.
Go NC and get on with your life. If they aren’t “ready” for a relationship when you are, one that you mutually agree on, then move on.
I finally realized that I would never take this kind of behavior from my women friends, nor would they put up with it from me. Why do we let these guys get away with it?
I recently cut my narcissistic sister out of my life because of the emotional damage she has inflicted on me (and my other siblings) with her criticisms, her anger, and her narcissistic behavior. After 25 years of visiting family gatherings with this woman present, I told my siblings I simply won’t do it anymore.
Since then, it’s been easier to let go of the EUM I had been seeing off and on who was dating other women besides me and using me as his fall back option. I talked to him two weeks ago on the phone and that was the last time we spoke. There was no closure, no nothing to indicate that he wouldn’t contact me again, but it has been over two weeks and he has not phoned or emailed me. This is the longest we’ve gone without any contact in the past year. I assume he’s moved on to some other “victim” and of course didn’t have the balls to tell me he was moving on.
But it’s been relatively easy not to contact him. I just feel done with him. He can go find someone who is happy to sleep with him while he plays around and dates around, but he’s no longer my problem.
It’s like emotionally cleaning house. Standing up to my family about my sister’s behavior and refusing to participate any longer gave me the strength to see more clearly the kind of sick relationship I was engaging in with the EUM. It’s a bit of a snowball effect – taking charge of your life and recognizing you’re a person of value and that you don’t want these emotionally damaged people inflicting their pain in your life.
Well done Eve
You know what they say Bri, if that guy doesn’t choose you then there are
PLENTY MORE FISH IN THE SEA!
Its this assuming that somehow some chinless wonder is ALL there is that leads women to over invest emotionally in idiots! Why do this to yourself, I mean are you really such a talentless, unattractive, no hoper that liking some unavailable man is wll there is. Come on Bri, read what you have written and make a better choice!
bri
the someone you really need to like is … yourself. then it becomes way way easier to cut these time wasters off.
Grace:
“the someone you really need to like is … yourself. then it becomes way way easier to cut these time wasters off.”
That is so succinctly put, Grace. It sums it all up in a nutshell. For everyone still struggling to stop being an option – to opt out – this *is* what you need to learn to do: like yourself – and the rest will follow.
Moon, let him go. Don’t wait for this man. If he treated you poorly in the past, he will treat you poorly again, given the chance. Don’t give him the chance. Don’t expect him to suddenly change, he is who he is. Accept that you’ve wasted a certain amount of time on him. Chalk it up as a learning experience, school of hard knocks. But don’t keep wasting more time and energy on him. Use that time and energy well, as we are not on this earth forever.
Thank you all for your encouraging comments and all of you are so right! fearless, I have devalued myself and when I was writing the emails and texts I knew it then and called myself weak even as I sent them.
cavewoman, funny what you said was what I was actually thinking today for the first time. Maybe he does feels sorry for me and so he promises me what I want to hear? But when he says I love you, he sounds so sincere and he confuses me by saying that.
grace, I laughed at your “house arrest”, because when I get lonely and start missing him, I wish someone would lock down my computer and phone so I can’t contact him to see if he is ok and let him know I care. Yea, I know he knows I care but I’m just afraid he will forget me. Pathetic! But today I am so mad at myself and sad at how low I have I sunk. So, I have decided today to not contact him again. But I’m afraid I don’t know if can promise that if he contacts me I won’t respond. Even the thought of never being with him again is painful. But like you said Blaise Parker, so is this parody of a relationship. I just can’t decide which pain is the worse.
Vanja,
if you can see No Contact as a period in your life when you give yourself the love and attention that your guy has sucked up, you will suddenly realise its not about missing these arseholes, but about connectinbg with the fact that you have been seriously wasting your life on someone who can’t or won’t be and give you what you want. However, you may just find that you can give yourself a lot once the attention has been taken off him to make yourself feel a whole lot better.
Give yourself the time and the opportunity to wise up to better chances and decisions you can make that will make you feel good about yourself.
You mentioned locking up your phone and computer…well I set up an e.mail address similar to my exs and texted my own number whenever I felt the urge to fulfill my contact addiction and when I read these e.mails and texts back to myself they just sounded pathetic, needy, lost, pointless and undermining and whilst contact with them reduces you it makes some gutless creep feel more than. Don’t do this to yourself. Trust me he is not worth it! Why bolster some dicks ego at the expense of yourself!
Vanja, when you are over your EUM, you will realise that when you wake up in the morning your head is buzzing with things you will do for you and people who care about you. You will be busy with your projects, work, life, friends, you won’t think about that idiot for weeks or even months and you will shake your head and just think what the hell was I thinking to make me overstep my beliefs and boundaries and behave like that.
No Contact is the time you give yourself to get your life back You’re worth it Vanja!
You sent the texts and emails (chalk it up to caring a lot) – water under the bridge now …just don’t do it again!! You must avoid any further humiliation – you deserve to #1 not an option. He is just humiliating you by disappearing for two weeks and trying to push reset! I hated to hear this but healthy women would not give this guy the time of day – you need to get back to that mindset ASAP!
Hard time posting on this one because it hit pretty close to home for me!! I think we all know in our gut (despite what they say) when we have been demoted to an option (I started out as an option being the OW….but his future faking led me to believe otherwise). We minimize, rationalize, and wear rose colored glasses until it becomes painfully obvious exactly what’s going on!
6 days no contact…despite being very sad, I am feeling pretty good about myself because for once in a year and 1/2 there is no drama in my life. Being alone with myself actually feels good. I can see that MM meant no good and I am happy that he is not having his cake and eating it too! It actually empowers me in a weird way knowing that he is in his marriage (for once in a long time) with just his wife and family (that is where he wants to be after all).
Spent time with my Mom yesterday (she knows nothing about the MM saga) and she says tells me this really neat saying she heard….Mistakes are mistakes and they are mistakes for there for a reason…not to make them again.
And ladies–it’s completely true that a MM rarely leaves his wife for the mistress. He just wants it all and when it looks like he is going to lose the wife, he flies into a panic and decides that the marriage is now oh so important. The time the MM becomes available is when the wife says–I’ve had enough of you–and then he will cling to the mistress for a while. And trust me, you don’t want a man like this. He is toxic and whether a jerk or just pathetic, he only knows how to have a relationship with someone to get his own needs met. To me the words–only let him reject you twice were a validation of the end of my marriage to just such an assclown. He had one long term affair–got worked through–OW got really pissed that all of his promises to her didn’t pan out. But years later he started on hurtful, pre-affair behaviors (think flirting, sexting, shopping) until a young thing bit. Never had a chance to get physical before he got booted. The behavior was rejecting even if I didn’t wait around for the full blown affair. Best decision I ever made–but he’s now out there terrorizing other women so watch out!
And a general note–while I do understand that perfectly nice folks buy into crap and get involved with married men–please do remember that you are hurting and humiliating another woman. You are stealing affection that should be hers. But worse–you are stealing from her the ability to make a decision about her own life because she doesn’t know that her partner has a secret life. She ends up wasting her time with a jerk when she could be moving on–and time is all that any of us has. Make him come clean or you should.
Vanja,
I know just how you feel. I send a text, then regret it and if he doesn’t respond, I do it again. It’s a crazy cycle.
I took one step forward this weekend. I did not send him a Happy Father’s day text, which I would have if I had not been reading BR all weekend. I am sure he expected it because I always acknowledge thing like this. It’s just a little thing but it has made me feel a little stronger.
I can’t say I won’t make it through today without contact but I made it yesterday. One thing is helping me, is to keep thinking about Sat. when I asked him what was wrong and he said “just working and being a family man”. The family man comment is what got to me. It was like leave me alone this week I’m being a family man. Doesn’t matter that the week before he was referring to his wife as a whore,bitch,flaccid,corn fed freak. It kind of made me sick.
I know what you mean ,when he tells me he loves me and wants us to have a future he is so believable. But I also have to look at the times he says he keeps hoping his wife will change. If that’s not mixed signals I don’t know what is.
I was in the same state of confusion before I opted out six days ago. He just came “fishing” so now would be a perfect time for strength on rejecting them once and for all! It will be better for a few days if we go back but, we will loose more dignity in the process because it will only serve to reconfirm we are ok with being an option. Stay strong and so will I!!
Ms Option,
ANYONE who talks that way about a person they promised loyalty to in marriage, is even more than an assclown, he’s a jerk first class. They are not talking about a former teacher or a convicted criminal, they are talking about the person they *still* talk to in *loving ways* and the mother of his children.
I know the marriage *thing* can get vague in time, but please, nobody should talk about somebody else in those terms. It’s a red flag in itself. And they WILL eventualy talk about you with those words. Call it poor knowledge of language, I don’t care, it illustrates their poor values. Walk away while you can.
adding to that, when I was first met my EUM, in those first weeks, he called the mother of his child a bitch, he said ‘she just IS one, I can’t help it’. I believed him, I thought ‘oh poor you, poor child’.
Within2 months I was being called a bitch, a whore, a selfish cunt.
It’s not only how they speak, it’s how they think. It’s all your fault in their ff up head before you can even proove that it is or isn’t, and they take advantage of your good nature knowing words like that cut like a knife. It’s self esteem killer n° 1. Don’t let that happen.
ms option
the MM would text me sexual texts in the night, then next day on facebook post pics of his outings with his wife and daughter, with comments about being a family man. your MM is not unusual. they all do this crap. thank God and BR that I had enough compassion for myself and for his wife not to actually have sex with the tosser.
of course he’s sending mixed signals. he’s married.
you must try to understand that if its all right for you to text a married man, listen to him complain about his wife, and see her child then, one day, when you are married, it must be okay for another woman to chase your husband, spend time with YOUR child behind your back and for the two of them to bitch about you. you may not be active in this – but just listening to it will encourage him.
We must live a life that’s congruent with our values. And, yes, sometimes it IS hard. what goes around does tend to come around, because once you descend into this mess it does have a knock on effect. You must get yourself out if you want better things.
Grace, you’re right about this.
I am still accepting help from the attached professor, under the auspices of his role of hosting me, and will be staying in the guest room of their place tonight and tomorrow night. I tell myself I have not behaved badly: I have rebuffed inappropriate comments, made it clear I don’t do affairs, and I flatly turned down his latest offer to come by my room at the B&B at midnight with a bottle of pinot (!). This arrangement to stay over is unfortunate, and is part of the fallout of having to come up with accom after the other situation, but basically I’m choosing to overlook what is absolutely right for the sake of saving myself about $300.
If I were his partner I wouldn’t like to know how he has behaved with me and to know that he gets to spend even a few more hours trying his luck and being fresh. I am going there knowing I’m not doing as I would like done (I’d like any woman that my partner was flirting with to tell him to take a hike).
I believe that I have behaved and will continue to behave in a way that allows me to look his partner in the eye, knowing that I haven’t done anything wrong and have been discouraging. But then I know what he does, and I have continued to get help from him, even though I know how he behaves. So my behaviour, if it is not encouraging, is at least enabling.
Yuck.
(As an aside, it is SO clear that he does not give a shit about what is good for me, or he wouldn’t keep hitting on me when we have a work relationship to maintain and I have already said no. It’s really disrespectful to assume if he just keeps at me I’ll suddenly become a girl who will cheat with him. It’s also clear that he just wants a release valve, an option, a little ‘sexy vacay’ from his settled life, not a real relationship with me, though he tries to get me to talk about what *I* want in a *relationship* and asks me very personal things that take a fair bit of manoeuvring to avoid answering. Yuck.)
I want to say to his partner, your man is a douche, I’m just using your futon for two nights and then I am OUT of here. The more honest thing would be to say that her discomfort is less important to me than my $300. I think I can hold my head up through this, but it is a fine line, and I don’t ever want to put myself in this situation again.
Oh dear Magnolia, thank god you are getting out of there in a few days. The midnight pinot offer was so clearly a booty call. The universe is sure giving you a run for your money. Get otta there ASAP and don’t look in your rear view mirror.
Why are these guys so persistent? Mag says NO and he persists. Em and the other ladies who have posted on this thread, BEWARE…they can reappear.
So as I’ve posted before, you all must wonder how I find my way to work in the morning but here goes: Why, if they just want a shag, why don’t they just go home and shag their wives or gf”s? If a shag is just a shag to them, they’ve got that at home. Why doesn’t Poethost go home to his gf with the bottle of pinot and shag her? Why didn’t my exMM go home to his wife and shag her instead of coming here? Why doesn’t Ms. Option’s mm just go be a “family man”…that made me gag. Why don’t these idiots just GO HOME and stop screwing us, literally and figuratively? This can’t just be about getting laid and a ego stroke, can it?
I guess the most important question may be why do we tolerate this crap? Family man, indeed!
Opps, again. I do not mean to imply that I disagree that these jokeamos aren’t just out looking for a shag and an ego stroke. It gets frustrating or perhaps enlightening to read how many wonderful folks end up options and believing that their situation with an “honest” cheat is unique. Just venting as I read your posts and venting because I was/am there too. Additionally, I’m coming to grips with the fact that my honest cheat wasn’t honest.
Ms option,
I am sorry, but the only person seeing mixed signals here is you. He tells you he was busy working and being a family man and you read this as:
“It was like leave me alone this week I’m being a family man.”
It wasn’t “like” that.
It is that.
And:
“Doesn’t matter that the week before he was referring to his wife as a whore,bitch,flaccid,corn fed freak.”
Well, it should matter. And not for the reasons you think. None of us should be an option at all, never mind an option for such an appalling character as this one who talks about women in that way. That alone should tell you everything you need to know about him. Ugghh.
Umi, I know you are right. I am just so scared of the pain that I have to go through to get there. My sister tells me I have to just let him go becasue he is the type that will keep coming around at his convenience. He always comes back saying he is sad, missing me and needing my comfort (and sex), He tells me how cruel the world has been to him. He writes really beautiful poety about his pains and I take him and them on as my own. But I like your email to yourself though. I could write my needs but never send them.
EmLaw, I want your strength! I will try very hard to not contact in these weeks I know he will be silent. I am just so hurt that I mean so little to him. It feels like knife is in your chest when you keep giving and he keeps taking.
oh ms. option, congratulations! That was very strong of you. I admire anyone who has done or is doing it. I don’t know if I could have done that if he was a father. His birthday is next month and if I haven’t heard from him by then, I don’t know if I won’t send him a card and call. The mixed signals are so confusing and hurtful. Why can’t they just love or not love? Sometimes, I wonder if this isn’t just a sadistical game to them? Maybe if I keep thinking that, I’ll get mad instead of sad and keep the no contact? I really wish…
I get really nice poetry also…but this time the humiliation of being downgraded to an option is my strength and he is trying, as we speak, to push the reset button again. I refuse to let him humiliate me anymore. Not to be mean but if they wanted to be with us they would be and nothing would keep them away. They take little breaks from us when things are good at home and then when things get bad or they sense they are loosing their hold on us (sex and ego boosts as needed) they hit the old reset button. Be warey of his actions they speak way louder than words….there is nothing attractive about being a doormat (people wipe their dirty shoes on doormats – and doormats get thrown away when they are too dirty and beat up) and that is what we are conveying if we keep putting up with their nonsense. I am literally killing inside but I am going to just once not do what he expects – since doing what he expects leads to just as much pain.
Hey Em,
So happy to hear you’ve gone NC finally! Well done!
The reason they hit the reset button and disappear is because they know they can get away with it. No decent man in their right mind would deliberately ignore a woman and then strut back into town as if nothing had happened! Think of the good men you know (friends, family, other people’s partners) and ask yourself if *they* would behave like that. It will show you plainly how lacking these EUMs are, for all their charm, intelligence and sexual prowess.
I had a major ephiphany one night while out with a friend who was with a great guy (and she still is). This was after going NC for a week – we were out dancing and she mentioned that she missed her boyfriend. I told her she should text him and ask him to join us if that was the case, so she did. Within the hour, he was there! I actually turned into ‘drunk crying girl’ because i realised that the ex EUM would never ever be that for me. He didn’t have it in him. It was then that i knew for sure that i wanted someone to be with properly. Who will show up within an hour if i ask them to come and be with me.
I can’t imagine my friend’s boyfriend (or my current bloke for that matter) ever going awol with no explaination. It’s just not something a good person does. They are not good people, these men. Not really. They have good qualities, sure, but they are not good people inside, where it counts. And it’s not because we ‘mean so little’, it is because they lack so much.
It’s not hard to be a decent human being. To not treat people like they don’t matter. Some people just don’t have that part of the brain!!
Minky
This reminds me of a friend of mine who was really upset cos she and her boyfriend had a row and didn’t contact each other for … nearly two days. Ha. I would REGULARLY go way longer than that without hearing from my ex.
Just goes to show the crumbs we accept.
In again!
“And it’s not because we ‘mean so little’, it is because they lack so much.”
Yep. Finally. I actually get that.
I was always telling my EU that he treated me as if I didn’t matter. I can see now that when you act like you don’t mind, a guy assumes – rightly – that you don’t mind… but what you need to get is that there’s a very fine line between ‘you don’t mind’ and ‘you don’t matter’. First I didn’t mind. Then I didn’t matter.
Poetry is a fraud.
Vanja:
“I am just so hurt that I mean so little to him.”
The ‘so hurt’ that you should feel is that you mean so little to yourself.
This I think is the trap we fall into in becoming an option for these men who are simply using that option to have their needs met, as an when it suits them. That is the deal we offer them! And then we complain when they take us up on it!
We are so hurt that we mean so little to him – we keep trying to mean something to him – we are so hurt that we mean so little to him again – we keep trying some more to mean something to him – we are so hurt again that we mean so little to him… and on and on it goes… unless we realise that we are in this horrid cycle not because we mean so little to him, but because we mean so little to ourselves.
These articles hit the nail on the head. It sounds like Natalie personally knew the last guy i dated, who surprise surprise turned out to be EUM. He even had the cheek at the start of telling me we were at the same point emotionally and how well connected we were. Even though it was short lived – a month, it hit me hard as for the first time it wasn’t just about the sex. I could talk to this guy for hours, he seemed very sweet, genuine, cute and displayed really low self esteem (a characteristic you think would make him sensitive). So i did the typical thing and clung on for another couple of months hoping that the guy i first met would surface again and not the guy who when i asked him his reasons for not wanting a relationship with me managed to give amiguous answers including that he couldn’t possibly start a relationship with someone he couldn’t tell what they were thinking / that they didn’t invite him to their birthday meal with my family and this hurt him. He would always follow it up with a mixed message such as his feelings had changed recently and he actually wanted to see more of me. It took me to push it via a text message this weekend but he finally just said the truth that he found be very attractive and we got on incredibly well, but that was it. I can’t lie, i do feel hurt, half by him and half by myself. I’ve downloads Natalie’s 2 books, thank god she has such a brilliant site!!!
I’ve played the waiting game. Sometimes it’s hard not to beat myself up over this crap. But I do find that I’m getting better at turning bad thoughts OFF and not spinning. Things will pop into my head, and I’ll get all angry about stuff he did or said and ultimately end up saying, ‘Eh, who cares?’ It’s over!
Then at those times when I start wondering if he misses me or whatever, I take out my cell phone and read the messages (there are 4) that I saved from him. Helps clear my head of any delusions about this person. He is who he is who he is who he is … forever and ever, Amen.
Sofie,
I’m not defending him but he is actually talking about a convicted criminal.She has been arrested twice in the last 4 months for shop lifting. I know it is a messed up situation. She is definitely not the sweet, little wife. I know all this for a fact. The arrests are published in a paper we have here. There are so many things she has done and every time he says that it’s the last straw but every time all she has to do is cry and promise to change and he takes her back. He is obviously addicted to her drama. And he can’t use the kids as an excuse because he gets the kids every time they separate due to her history. It’s all very dysfunctional.
ms option
should you actually get this booby prize of a man I very much doubt this wifey is going to roll over and play dead. Cue emotional blackmail, stalking, sexual shennanigans, the full works. I understand your need to defend your position, hell I’ve done it too, but the more you say the less I like this, and the more I think DANGER WILL ROBINSON.
They’re married. She’s a criminal. They have a daughter. They break up and get back together repeatedly. You get dropped and ignored and lied to. Why are you there?
She cries and promise to change and he takes her back. But you do the same. He cries and promises stuff and you take him back.
You have to see your part in this or you’ll just be helplessly waiting. And you don’t even know what you’re waiting for cos you’ve already said you never asked him to leave his wife.
If he’s fed up with being married to her, then he should get a divorce. Clearly, something about this works for him. Don’t think about it too much, it’s not pretty! Run.
Ms Option, you are actually defending him and whether you recognise it or not, this drama circus is part of what you use as a justification for remaining involved and for making excuses for him.
Excuses lessen the responsibility for something.
If you’re *that* worried about him, get out of the fricking way and let him go and handle his business.
Fact is, light-fingered tealeafing shoplifter or not, he’s *her* husband and they have a child together. This is none of your business.
The Shoplifter and the Poor Poor Me Cheater – what a saga.
You are overempathising with his position and you pity him for being with his itty bitty tealeafing wife. That’s why you’re so scornful of her and lend an ear to him slagging her off – you think she’s what stands between you and him.
She’s not – it’s him.
You are blaming *her* so that you can remain in denial about *him*. That’s what people do when they want to hold on at all costs and don’t want to see the truth.
Ms Option,
she sounds more like a poor messed up soul than a “convicted criminal” to me. That is just emotive language. She is also a human being with feelings as valid as yours (one might say more valid, even, as you are the one trying to get with her husband). Unless she is poverty stricken and struggling to just survive, the petty, needless shoplifting is a most likely a symptom of deep psychological distress and a cry for help (and no wonder!). Sounds to me she is more to be pitied than scorned and does not need or deserve your vitriol or that of her foul-mouthed husband. Nat’s post (below) is exactly correct. So I’ll say no more.
The below really spoke to me from my last relationship.
Although it feels odd and has resurfaced some memories, its nothing i cant handle and i guess its natural, even though it ended long ago we have been connected in an odd way still through anxiety, anger etc. A connection is a connection bad or good. I look forwards to not having to see him 5 days per week but at the same time im kinda glad i did it hard because its really made me tough and ive learnt some really valuable lessons.
You play The Good Girl/Guy and suckerdart yourself to them as Friend of the Year post breakup so they can recognise your greatness, validate you, and hopefully see the error of their ways.
Im happy to report that the x ive had to work with for two years left today
Peace XXX
Minky
…… I will take that little sentence today and pin it to my fridge…..and then my BRAIN !!!
” and its not because we mean so little…it is because they lack so much ”
AMEN
… today I will obsess on that phrase….and not on HIM …… thanks x
fearless,
You and everyone here who says we have not valued ourselves are so right! Last night with many tears and in a lot of pain, I wrote out every broken promise, disappointment, disappearance and wrong things he say or did that I could remember. And I was amazed at the number and what I put up with. I remembered my begging and crying and his flippant answers, lies, false sincere promises and even his anger that I wanted more. I remembered how I always begged to him to come back or was so overjoyed to accept his flimsy excuse when he came back on his own. So much drama. And all his poetry is about his pain, never caring about anyone else’s. All his distress is over him, never my pain and sadness. The only time he is “into” me (figuratively and literally) is when we are intimate. Then he seemed to care and loved me so much. And that was my hook and drug.
So, I am trying to keep to the no contact. I plan to reread many times what I wrote last night every night and to keep remembering how many times he has hurt and continues to hurt me.
I see the cycle. Right now I’ll admit, I’m missing him very much and it hurts so badly, that I feel physical ache. But I’ll keep telling myself, what am I missing? Just a different kind of pain. Wish me luck.
Thank you Natalie! I’ve read most of your old blogs and will keep reading. I need your wise words and others’ to help me get through this.
Vanja – Hate to tell you Day 7 of NC…it isn’t any less painful but I believe its soooo necessary. Luckily I started keeping a journal about a year ago so I have plenty of “evidence” to support what I am doing. Its all so humiliating – what we have been managed down to…when you think what it was like when it started.
When you grow up emotionally battered and with no self-esteem, you don’t even KNOW you don’t have it. Reading your blog is like going to colleeg to be educated on all that you should have been taught at home – and weren’t. Thank you Nat.
This post was very difficult to read as I can see so many parallels with my own relationship.
I met my man when he was fresh out of a breakup from a very intense 9 month relationship. He was desperate to marry the girl but she couldnt because her family wouldnt accept him. He was a mess, even talked about her in his sleep but I helped him through it and even let him move in with me when he lost his job and started having health problems. He didnt like the colour of my hair so I changed it. I thought I dressed a ‘little too slutty’ so I got new clothes.
Virtually from the time we started dating he was cheating on me with his ex. I found it hard to believe because when they broke up he had emailed a lot of very intimate pics of her, relationship details (including the abortion she had) and texts she had sent him to some of her friends and a man her family were trying to set her up with. Quite what she did to deserve that I don’t know but it was pretty dangerous given how strict her family and culture are but I guess she must have forgiven him. He also hacked into her email 6 or 7 times over the next few months and changed all her passwords. I know all this because I overheard him telling one of his friends.
I saw his loving emails and texts to her and I kept begging him to stop seeing her as it was hurting me so much. I kept asking him how things could work between us if he was in contact with his ex all the time. He himself said I made his life very easy. I’ve never even questioned him about why he doesnt seem interested in seeing his young son from his first marriage because he doesnt like talking about it as he hates his ex wife.
He thought I was just upset because I was having visa issues and I was looking to him to help me stay in the country but it wasnt that. I never expected that from him, I genuinely loved him and wanted us to work.
For 9 months he carried on with her even after we got married. I’m still not sure why he married me, perhaps to piss off his ex who was also about to be engaged to a man she didnt love but her parents approved of.
Finally I had enough, called her and told her to back off. She told me all the derogatory comments he had made behind my back some of which did ring true. With her on speaker, he told me he didnt love me and I hung up the phone on her.
Since then, they havent spoken and she has totally dropped…
HELP.
Just told my ex that I can’t sleep with him anymore because I deserve a full relationship, and he got mad and said that he thought we were seeing each other and that I am making this all about me, and how he does want me and thats not all about sex.
We have been on and off for over a year now.
It ended really bad with a car ride where he got angry and we got to this shopping area, and he said to leave him there because he did not want to ride back with me, or be my friend, or sleep with me again.
I did not want this drama. I swear. I wanted to stay friends, just that don’t sleep with each other.
Now i feel like the bad person for going back and forth with him on the sex thing, and that he was trying. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. Maybe I should’ve just kept hanging out and sleeping with him. Maybe I completely overreacted. I miss him already and feel like I am the one to blame for all this drama.
Australia, I think if you read this back to yourself when you’ve calmed down, you’ll realise how utterly ridiculous this whole thing is.
Do you know when it’s not just about the sex and it’s not a casual relationship? When you’re *in* a relationship, it’s not ambiguous and it’s verbally stated that you’re both in a relationship. All this mofo has done has turned the tables round on you and made it about *him*.
In case he’s forgotten, you’re not in a relationship and the only person you have to concern yourself with is *you*. This is *your* discomfort*, *your* boundaries, *your* feelings, *your* needs, *your* perspective.
If he *was* your friend (you do know that friendship doesn’t involve effing one another?), then it should be no big deal that you said that you don’t want to have sex. You’re not a bad person for going back and forth about the sex thing but just trust me, you’ll do yourself no favours if you flip flap once again. Stick to your guns. If you wanted a casual relationship, you wouldn’t be having this conversation. Let it be. So what if he’s upset? He’s only throwing his penis toys out of the pram. Let things calm down and do not start sleeping with him to appease him – that’s not a friendship; that’s pure f*ckery.
Agreed! People who are real friends and care about you and respect you don’t want you to do anything that hurts you, violates your boundaries, etc. Those of us who have been in crappy relationships, more often than not our friends are all, “You need to drop this loser.”. Can you imagine if your friends were instead trying to browbeat you/railroad you into staying in a bad situation with an assclown? Makes no sense, right? Guys like this treat the word “friend” like it means “person around on the sidelines giving me what I want, while I contribute nothing”. Someone, please, send these assholes a dictionary!
Fearless,
I am not defending myself. I try not to say anything about his wife to him because I know that I can’t be neutral on that subject. When he asks my opinion I tell him I can’t be neutral so it is better not to say. I do not know what her problems are. I know about 3 years ago she was convicted for forging a prescription and the day after she was released she was arrested for filing a false police report. She is addicted to painkillers. I know one of the times he put her out recently was because when he was working out of state he found out she wasn’t taking their daughter to school. Regardless of all that, I see he is very passive-aggressive. He was always talking about wanting her to change. But I remember one time a couple of months ago being with him and she called crying and saying she needed some pain pills and I sat there and listened to him tell her he would get them for her. I don’t know if it was because he was feeling guilty for being with me or if this is how he gets his way.
I just know I am addicted to him and right now I am wanting to contact him so bad just to feel I still mean something to him. When I type it all out it all seems so sick. Why do I need validation from him so bad?
Ms.Option, I’m just failing to see what you’re addicted to? You don’t have anything with him bar a few crumbs.
You see that woman, that wife of his who you can hardly contain your judgement of? That could be you. I mean there you are saying you’re addicted to him and she’s seemingly addicted to painkillers – they’re both compulsive and destructive behaviours and you both seem to be dependent on this shit of a man. OK so you’re not out necking pills or filing shady police reports, but you are involved with a married man, allowing yourself to be an option, hooked on drama, and dining off crumbs. There isn’t that much difference between you both. This man has a pattern that he’s playing out with both of you. One woman losing her mind begging him for pills. One woman losing her mind begging him to call or send a text message. Again and again.
EmLAW,
I’m with you. I’m just on day 3 and struggling every minute. I haven’t heard from him and if I do that will be the real test. I actually am having panicky feelings, is this normal?
Yes – it’s called withdrawal and the less you keep busy and the more you hang around in hope that he *will* call, is the worse you will feel. If you’re claiming to do NC to play games, don’t waste your time. Make up your mind about what you’re doing and if you do want to let go, you must be ready to cold turkey it out.
That is true NML. I am no different. I guess I have felt like crumbs were better than nothing. I don’t know why. I wish I could be a confident person.
EmLAW, I know exactly how you feel. I did it for 8 long years of torturing myself. Please, you are worth so much more. You really have got to listen. I am finally free. If he came to the door today, I would be able to leave him on the doorstep. I am free. It took every bit of the past six months, daily reaffirming of who I am, and what I deserve in life to become free. He even texted me at mothers day, the five month mark…..I did not answer, nor acknowledge him. I am free. This site will help you. Read everything! Read it daily. Free yourself! With much love, Deege.
And finally, fill your life with more of what YOU gave up, what YOU put aside, what YOU want to do. There are gifts and a life inside of you that waits for you to notice it. I wish you every good thing.
Thank you deege – knowing so many other have survived the DETOX and are happier makes it completely bearable!
EmLaw,
It’s day 4 for me and I am miserable.! The problem with NC is that every second is torture! He doesn’t even know it’s day 4. He doesn’t even know I doing a NC probably. He might wonder for a moment how come I haven’t texted or emailed, but I doubt he feels he misses it that much. So, I suffer trying to get to a time where I won’t feel any pain. Will I? I hate this! I’m not doing this to make he miss me and come back, I really want to be free. But I’m the only one suffering and I’m not sure if I can go through this pain everyday and night and knowing he isn’t feeling a little pain or that I mattered at all. Arrgh! I wish I could take a “forget him” pill and get this sh**t over with.
Same exact situation for me….and believe it or not I wrote those same words in my journal….I used the four days he couldn’t manage contact with me as the first four days of no contact. You have to resign yourself to the fact that they won’t miss YOU they will miss the ego boosts and all of the other nice things you did for them. They do freak when they feel they have lost us…that is where I am at now – sitting on my hands. They might already have another YOU lined up for all we know. I told myself not knowing that is a great example of how we don’t have anything in reality. It is not us…we could be the absolute most gorgeous, perfect person and still not be good enough for them because they are just not capable!!
Try to be strong with me….they simply don’t deserve the benefit of us. I discovered that low self esteem brought me down to his level (we are far above them) because otherwise their treatment wouldn’t kills us inside. They are like an addiction… do yourself a favor and read the drama crack post. Someone on BR said that healthy women wouldn’t put up with be ignored for a day let alone four days. I don’t know about you but I am better than that sort of pathetic treatment. I am not optional and his treating me like I am (because I used to allow it) killed me inside. Not anymore – I have BR strength!!
Vanja:
“I’m not doing this to make him miss me and come back…”
Vanja – your comment is all about your angst about him not noticing you are 4 days of no contact and if he’ll notice and feel the pain and when he’ll notice and feel tha pain… it’s planet him all the way, for him and for you. So I think if you are honest with yourself you will know that you are doing most likely what we all do when we begin NC – we actually hope it’ll make a difference to him… that he’ll notice we are NC and spontaneously combust into a guy who gives a shit. He won’t. He is a self-serving, self-centred, self-absorbed shyster. Until you start believing that you deserve better than what this berk is offering you then what you are experiencing *right now* IS your future. Try to get that. Whatever you got from this guy is as good as it gets. There is NO more to get. Go off somewhere, do something for yourself that you enjoy, tap into who you actually are and want for your life and aspire to in life without this guy messing you up and messing you around and focus only on YOU and what is right and good for you – and it is NOT him! It really really isn’t him. Let him go.
Also forget the NC to fuel increased desire in them…it only makes you more of a pathetic option.
Natalie, I think what is amazing is that you put into words, the answers to the frustrations and anger that we feel but can’t quite verbalize! I know what I want–to be in an equal relationship with someone who values me–but I could never come up with the words to express those desires. What makes me sad is that year after year the idea of being someone’s one and only seems elusive–especially here in the U.S. where both men AND women seem to accept the idea that men have so many “options” that it is crazy for a woman to require that a man make a choice.
*sigh*
One of my biggest pet peeves is hearing that “I’m so busy” excuse. To me, it signifies that the person who says it thinks that their life is just SO important and to be fit into that person’s schedule is SUCH a privilege.
Oh please.
EVERYONE has things to do, even those who are disabled. Some people may be busier than others, but EVERYONE’s got something to do. For a person to think that they’re just SO unique & their time is just SO precious is egotistical, selfish, and (dare I say) corny.
So when someone {whether it’s a romantically-interested man or a fickle friend or family member (male or female)} uses that excuse with me now, I dismiss them completely. I am NOT an option, dammit. Even if I don’t tell them outright, they’ll know by my actions. Actions speak louder than words, so more often than not, nothing even needs to be said. I opt to opt OUT. You are the weakest link, goodbye.
I just want to throw-up when I think about how I prostituted my self-esteem for that clown.
This is what I truly needed today…This article literally slapped me across the face and essentially woke me up! I have been his option for 4 years and I have no one to blame for it but myself.
What the hell have I been doing, when did I allow him to downgrade me from a live-in girlfriend, to a sometime dinner partner and an ego stroke?
I have waited for him to change, bet on his potential and hoped that he would figure it out if I gave him enough space and time.
I literally do not recognize myself anymore and I truly do not like who I have had to become in order to “fit” into his world.
Well, it stops today!
I can’t be his option any longer. I have got to let go of this illusion of a relationship and call it what it is. Nothing!
We have nothing. I will never be a “priority” for him if he knows that I am ok with being “optional” in his life.
I have literally been flying on stand-by waiting for him to suddenly realize my worth and miraculously upgrade me to first-class, what an actress I have become!
I choose NOT to be his option any longer. If he can’t figure that out then it’s not my job to help him figure it out.
Thanks Natalie for such an insightful post.
Starting NC today and it’s going to hurt like hell, but in the end I’ll have regained something I’ve lost..Not a bad, non-exisitent lie of a relationship but my self respect, which means more to me than anything…
“You’ll never be able to move on with your life, feel a sense of personal contentment and forge a happier, mutually fulfilling relationship with someone that values you, if you’re option for someone else that doesn’t or only values you for what they can get out of you on their terms.”
It’s sunk in Natalie … I’m almost FREE!
Praise be! Is it finally happening? I’m rooting for you!