Tags: fear of abandonment in relationships, fear of failure, fear of leaving the relationship, fear of outshining, fear of success, The No Contact Rule, why can't I stay no contact?
Sometimes, despite our fervent desire to no longer be in a painful and uncomfortable situation, we are stuck. We keep going back or we stick to the familiar pattern. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I talk about why our fear of what being successful at getting unstuck would mean causes us to inadvertently sabotage our efforts.
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5 key topics in this episode
- When we, for instance, break No Contact despite how torturous engaging with our ex is or how much it sets us back, a part of us is afraid of what being successful would mean. If we’re successful at No Contact, it means we’ve accepted that the relationship is over. It also means we have to grieve the loss of the relationship and let go of agendas and grievances.
- Even though we might not like a situation and hate the discomfort and pain of a relationship, we might not know who we are without this drama. It’s like Who will I be? What will be my purpose? What if this person no longer needs me?
- Although it can be uncomfortable to admit, sometimes we might hate the idea of this person diverting their attention to someone else as a result of us moving on. Of course, we don’t realise how this really only results in us blocking ourselves.
- When we get unstuck and allow ourselves to successfully show up and follow through on something, that changes us. It means we have to shift our identity. So we might inadvertently avoid a successful outcome because then we get to hide out or we get to blame something or someone else. We can keep telling the same stories, playing the same roles. We don’t have to grow up or evolve.
- When we keep doing the loop-the-loop on a painful or uncomfortable situation, we need to have an honest conversation with ourselves. If I’m successful at [the thing], what will this mean to me? What do I think is going to happen? What will I have to confront? Is there anything I would no longer be able to do?
Links mentioned + recommended resources
- The No Contact Rule book
- Create Your No Contact plan class and resources
- Fear of sacrifice, loss and being trapped (ep 132)
- Why we’ve got to break free of playing roles in our interpersonal relationships (ep 128)
- It’s Not That You’re Not ‘Good Enough’ — You’re Over-Responsible (ep 158)
- Are you inadvertently dimming your light? When you have a pattern of being afraid of outshining
- Why Am I Experiencing Resistance About The Thing I Say I Want or Need?
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