Tags: filling voids, ignoring yourself, listening to yourself, Online Dating : People supermarket, people pleasing, perfection, shady behaviour, shady people, shady relationships, worry and anxiety
A challenge that often presents itself while dating is the struggle to stay hopeful and grounded while pursuing our need or desire for a relationship. After, for instance, taking time out from dating due to a breakup or to work on ourselves, we often endeavour to stay calm. But as the online interactions and/or dates rack up, or we struggle to meet people full stop, anxiety creeps in. Throw in that we might feel pressure to meet someone soon, or secretly (or possibly openly) fear that we’re not ‘good enough’ or that we’re not going to meet somebody, and it all becomes too much. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into the key sources of dating anxiety. And I explain why, ultimately, if we want to feel less anxious, we have to stop trying to control the outcome with our efforts.
Also, I mention in the episode that I will be in New York on March 16th. Drop in and say hi, meet other readers/listeners and hang out with me over a cuppa. Location: Le Pain Quotidien, 931 Broadway, New York, NY 10010 from 10-11.15am
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Some nuggets from the episode:
- We must remember that we’re only human, and we’re not alone. It’s okay for us to want what we want. Problems arise, however, with the way we go about needing or wanting something.
- We need interpersonal relationships to help us fulfil our needs, hence the importance of trust. Trust is a gamble.
- Consciously or not, we turn our pursuit of a relationship into a goal. And we attribute a time frame and set of efforts that we believe will lead to the desired outcome. Beneath our pursuit of a goal is a belief, also, that attaining our desire will satisfy certain needs. And yes, this might involve filling voids that romantic relationships aren’t intended for. Cue trying to control obtaining what we need/want with people pleasing, perfectionism and overthinking. Hence why we feel increasingly pressured, anxious and not ‘good enough’.
Knowing why we do what we do is vital because intentions impact outcomes. What we’re pursuing a relationship for impacts on how anxious and destabilised we feel as a result of dating or getting into a relationship. If we regard a potential partner as someone to make us whole, they’re our ‘oxygen supply’.
- There’s also nothing to say that even if we do reach a goal, that we’ll do so happily. Achieving the outcome might not satisfy the need that we thought it would or there might be unintended consequences. Things might not look how we expected. This is very common with romantic relationships as well as work, education and even what we thought parenthood would be like.
- We have two potential time frames that cause dating anxiety. There’s the age that we had in mind for being settled down by. Or there’s how long we think it should take for us to get into a relationship once we begin dating again. And it’s typically under a year for many people, as evidenced by how long it takes them to unravel into anxiety and become panicked about how long it’s going to take.
- Workaholism, overexercise, etc., feels more manageable and ‘rewarding’… than having to deal with the uncertainties that pursuing a relationship presents.
- Someone could spend a year dating people they’ve met online, and not meet anyone that they could have a relationship with. Somebody else could walk into their new job, attend a party, or get chatting in line at the coffee shop tomorrow… and meet their life partner. How much ‘effort’ we put into dating has little bearing on outcome. Scary, but true.
- Good Girls/Guys who follow the rules and try to please and perfect all the time, don’t know what to do when efforts don’t change outcomes. It makes us feel out of control because we have to be vulnerable. We have to commit to our desire for a relationship without knowing every itty-bit step in between where we are now and the right relationship.
History, sacrifice, titles, service, how pleasing we’ve been, whether we were there first or last, how much fixing/healing/helping and changing we did — none of them build up the credits to make things go ‘our way’. And most people’s dating and relationship habits are based on the premise that efforts determines outcomes.
- We might put our efforts into the wrong people and situations, and it’s the right outcome when it doesn’t work out.
- Dating isn’t a ‘choose me’ kinda thing. That’s why so many people focus on efforts and time frame. The anxiety is an expression of the fear that this person they barely know, or who they do and they’re not the right person, won’t ‘pick’ them and help them hit the goal. There’s anxiety that their efforts to prove something about themselves or to make things go their way won’t be ‘enough’. Which isn’t what finding a loving partner is about.
- We’re too busy trying to find someone who will show that they appreciate our efforts by sticking around, playing their part, and ’paying us back’.
Expecting so much of ourselves and our efforts is also what triggers so much anxiety.
- For many of us, it takes putting in that effort and either getting into the wrong relationship(s) or losing ourselves in the process to learn that the effort isn’t needed.
- It’s not a waste! A year, for example, dating and then tweaking and refining as we go so that we’re more discerning about compatibility and our needs is undoubtedly more productive than a year privately obsessing about how to date but not actually dating!
- We have a tendency to be very all-or-nothing. If we don’t hit the goal in the way we pictured it, it’s regarded as a failure. We fail to recognise that we achieved and grew more than we would have done without having had that goal in the first place.
- Get clear on what you need the relationship for. Sameness is a major clue that you keep trying to ‘get’ (or possibly avoid) the same thing.
- Identify the source of anxiety. Are you worried about the past or trying to predict the future? Does your approach to dating exacerbate or even create anxiety? Are you, for example, ignoring your intuition and needs?
- Have an honest conversation with yourself about your dating and relationship efforts. Believe you’re not being given a chance despite how well you think a date went? Often feel unwanted or replaced? Feel panicked that you’re never going to meet anyone, or are you secretly resigned to it? These are all clues that you associate dating efforts with outcomes.
- So, what is it that you think that you need to be and do in order to meet someone? What do you feel that you have already done so far that is contributing to your current anxieties? Where do you feel unappreciated?
Links mentioned
- The release and relief of giving up on try-ing (ep.121)
- Why we don’t have to try so hard for crumbs (ep.122)
- Breaking free of roles (ep. 128)
- The 5 Stages of Relationships (ep. 123)
- Anxiety and intuition (ep. 107)
- Fear of sacrifice, fear of commitment
- Why it’s time to stop hiding your needs
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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Wow. Coming across your page has been nothing but therapeutic for me! I am glad I found it. People pleasing? Perfectionism? Freeing myself from half-assed non-deserving situationships? It’s like you know me personally! *runs to continue the early morning reading and podcast listening* Thank you!
You’re so very welcome, FA!
“Consciously or not, we turn our pursuit of a relationship into a goal. And we attribute a time frame and set of efforts that we believe will lead to the desired outcome.”
Yes to me for sure. Everyone else is married or engaged while I am still single. Nothing to show for my “efforts”. I’m kind of embarrassed. People always ask about what am I doing with dating, relationships, etc…I don’t like talking about it at all really. I’m afraid that I’m going to stay single and never have a husband and my own family. I’m pretty sure I can do it. I was always weak in the dating/relationship area of my life though.
Hi Tealove. Weak relative to what, though? The funny thing is that you’re going to be in the relationship you want at some point, and it’s possible that some of the people who you see as ‘successful’ *now* will no longer be with their current partners. That’s not wishing any ill on anyone, it’s more to recognise that you can only run your race. People’s comments don’t help. It sometimes feels like pressure or a criticism. ‘I’m worried about you because people like us do things like this. Keep up!’ And there’s nothing to say that they’re ‘doing it right’.
So true. My anxiety has been so out of control at times that I think I’ve sabotaged any potential date because I’ve asked the man up front what he wanted (when it already felt like he was pulling away).
I think the desire to know where I stand, preempt rejection and – as in the above comment- not feel so useless at saying overtake anything and somehow spoil everything. That said- I met someone who seemed really nice recently, but he never got back in touch to meet again.
Equally, I have a friend who was supposed to be a casual sex kind of guy (and I know casual isn’t great) but I don’t know if he wants to have sex again. I’d like to. He has not mentioned it, so I’m not sure if I should? I’m hugely attracted to him. He’s not fully available. I’d like to have sex.
The anxiety eats away at me….
It depends on whether you really want to have sex, and that’s all. I get it about him being attractive, but is this just a round-the-houses way of getting your foot in the door? Is this about validation and whether, if you act like all you want is sex, he’ll validate your attractiveness by wanting to sleep with you again? If it’s just casual, leaving it at a one-off is a good thing especially when you might be prone to getting sucked in, isn’t a good idea. And your anxiety suggests that this isn’t about sex. If you can’t be casual about casual sex, it’s not ‘casua’l sex.
Do you mean : if he seems like he wants to connect but NOT with sex ie talking and messaging a lot then its still casual?
I am confused as to what he set out as wanting (id assumed it was about sex at first) rather than now which seems vague…. after we did have sex a few times he has not mentioned it any more….. so are we not casual? I think ive been friended… but Im not sure! Is it possible to go from casual hook up to friends? Can one be friends with someone who one met initially for a hook up with?
Wow! I needed this, it spoke directly to me… my husband passed away 10 years ago and every dating pseudo-relationship or barely their relationship has been about me looking at my efforts and wanting to get what I want!!! Then realizing maybe that person wasn’t even really the best one for me…. Then I got honest with myself and look at the reality of personality traits and core values not being aligned. It’s like ever since my wonderful loving great husband died and the relationship we had, I’ve been trying to fit every square peg into the round hole that seemed to have enough of the things I guess those would be the things in common with me…. lo and behold things in common a relationship does not make. Just like you repeatedly remind us! I have been reading your blog since 2012… I was 44 at that time and had never dated… I have learned so very much from you and my experiences. I thank you SO MUCH for having this blog and continuing to share your knowledge and wisdom with us!
Hello! Losing your husband must have been very difficult. This isn’t what you planned for your life, and so you’ve been plunged into doing something that you thought you’d left behind. At the same time, isn’t it possible that part of you is afraid of the very thing that you’re seeking because you’re afraid of losing it all over again? Be gentle on you. Your husband was a wonderful man, and you were both blessed to have each other. You can and will meet someone else, but part of your journey over these last ten years is discovering who you are without your husband and through that, figuring our what you need and want. I suspect that your husband had a lot more to him than whatever it is that you thought was your common ground, and so maybe it’s time to lose this blind spot and approach dating from a different place.
I heard in the podcast that you will be in NYC; possibly at a cafe? where and when? Thank you!! You are a life changing force!
Hi Nicole. I’ll be at Le Pain Quotidien, 931 Broadway, New York, NY 10010 from 10-11.15am on Saturday March 16th. Would love to meet you!
As Natalie mentioned, at this point I am more resigned than anxious. A full time relationship isn’t even my goal. I want a part-time one that includes sex. And much of the time I can’t even achieve that.
Can’tbelieve-Attraction and desire are very powerful. Personally I would not directly mention it to him. This is mostly because he might feel put on the spot; having to come up with an answer (or explanation) then and there. Since you have had sex, you know a lot about his preferences. Maybe turn up the flirt?
My current guy, if he can be called that, is either at zero or 1000 megawatts. He also has this little habit of disappearing after things get intense. Sometimes for prolonged periods of time. He is more changeable than the clouds passing through the sky. But the attraction and desire are there for me so I don’t ask; I accommodate.
Journey-Coincidentally I had a dream about my husband the night before reading your comment. Like yours, he also died. Before him, I dated a lot. But this was my only marriage. While I can’t know what it is like to be out there single (long term) or divorced, I suspect it can be quite different.
My sil and best friend are each divorced. They tell me that because I had a good marriage I likely idealize men. Not worship idealize, but have an emotional construct where men communicate and relationships work.
My longest relationship has been with the withholder mentioned above. Is the inconsistency he throws out any more or less poignant because of my past? As Natalie has referenced in her writings, he tosses out crumbs and I settle. Not ideal but better than nothing or no one. Today anyway.
MillionReasons, I wonder how much of your involvement with him is self-protective? Nothing wrong with wanting a part-time relationship with sex, but your experience with this guy is suggesting that your needs aren’t met by this involvement. That doesn’t mean that part-time isn’t a go, but it does mean that whoever you spend time with, it needs to be from a place of mutual love, care, trust and respect.
My mother is never happy. She is nearing 60 and just recently bought a nice big house in a nice area. Her partner (who is in his forties) works full time and she doesn’t need to work at all.
She complains about him. But she doesn’t ever have insight in herself. She is obese (she is 5 foot and so obese is around 90kg?? As she is so short, but in size 18). She complained about losing weight and all last year I said if you want to I can help you (I’ve lost 30kg myself). But never been intrusive to her.
She is always complaining about others.
I think as a millennial (I’m 33), I’ve caught onto this new wave of self love and improvement. I can’t say I love my life but I can’t complain. I’m renting and I’m a single mum. I take pride in my health, appearance and relationships.
It’s really annoying me. Is it jealousy? I hate that it could be. She worked on and off while we grew up but my father always did most of the work. I can’t help but think that she is just not used to having to control anything in her life. But this guy who she has been with for 5 years now, he’s not the father of her children, he could leave at anytime. I don’t mean shut up for the sake of him never leaving. But do something to improve your own life? She isn’t very attractive, and yes she is my mum, I love her but she puts no effort in. Just constantly complaining.
I guess because I’ve been depressed and I’m therapy, I’ve always been into self help. If she is depressed she needs to be in therapy. Her life seems to be not too shabby or even hard work. So I’m tired of the complaining to be honest.
What do I do? I’ve butted out. I’ve listen to her complaining. I’m just not sure anymore.
Hi Phoenix, I suspect that this is one of those situations where, on some level, you believe that your mother *should* be happy because of your beliefs about what makes people happy and successful. That means that her having a “big house in a nice area”, not needing to work, the nice partner, a *younger* partner is causing you to think ‘Um, what the frick else do you want? If I had all of those things, I wouldn’t complain!’
I understand your frustrations, and, actually, it’s very hard to listen to someone else’s complaints when you’re feeling low and trying to dig yourself out of it. To be honest, you’re not the person who should be listening to her complaints given that you need your bandwidth. That’s not because you’re unempathetic, but more because it’s likely that part of why you’re feeling down is due to feeling obliged to be and do things that aren’t reflective of who you are in the main. Taking on other people’s problems, trying to be a ‘good daughter’ etc. That causes a lot of unexpressed anger that gets turned on you. And given that you try so hard, a part of you begins to wonder ‘Why aren’t you (your mother) more happy?’
So, maybe one of the things you get to learn through your mother is that someone’s life can look like a bed of roses… and they can still be depressed and complain. This could be something that you can use to cut you some more slack. You’re not obliged to listen to her complain. Stay out of her business, and get off the phone as soon as the complaining starts. “Mom, I need to go. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through that. I hope you get it sorted out soon.”
“Mom, a lot of our conversations involve me listening to you complain and given my own circumstances, I end up feeling even worse because I either end up worried about you, frustrated and resentful that you’re not dealing with an issue or resentful, or overwhelmed and anxious. I don’t like feeling this way, and it’s because I value our relationship why I’m telling you. I hold my hands up and admit that I needed to speak up way before this, and I’m sorry that I’ve left it this long. Of course, I love you, but right now, I need to focus on my mental and emotional wellbeing. Given that I’m already attending therapy, I need you to try talking to [your other children] or to start therapy.”
I am so thankful for these podcasts. I was dating a wonderful man for three months and things were really good. He was the one who asked me out, he planned dates, cooked for me and we were in contact a lot. Then three weeks ago he said he needed time to think. I gave that to him and then he cancelled three dates because he was busy with work. He really was busy as this is his busy season but anyone can make time if they want to I think. I texted him that I care for him deeply but that I can’t do this anymore. I told him if he has time to see me and build in a relationship he can call me. This was three days ago and I haven’t heard anything. I know he cared for me, but not enough I guess. I’m really sad. Any words of advice?
Hey Natasha,
I feel for you. I’m recently dating after a divorce from a long marriage. But I’ve learned this much. A man who wants you will let you know that in no uncertain terms.
I recently dated a man who was keen, cooked for me and arranged dates etc. We only had sex once. He sent me a message the night before we were due to meet again, saying I was wonderful blah blah but he wanted a ‘hiatus’. Long story short, I never saw him again.
My ex husband was military and away an awful lot. For all his faults, he always let me know he was thinking of me and was in contact from even the remotest of places where there was no internet and no mobile phones allowed. He would queue at the communal phone to use his allotted ten minutes and write to me when he couldn’t call.
I may be projecting my own disappointment, but sounds like your man has had a change of heart. The best thing to do is go no contact. Block him. This is for you, it’s easier than waiting for your phone to ping. It makes moving on a teeny bit easier. If he really wants to find you, I’m sure he knows where you are.
You’re right, he did care for you, just not enough. Not enough isn’t good enough.
It’s your time to be sad, can’t be helped. Stay strong.