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When you’re in struggling relationships, especially with emotionally unavailable men (Mr Unavailable’s) and assclowns, something your are likely to experience is passive aggression.
According to Wikipedia:
“Passive-aggressive behavior refers to passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. It is a defense mechanism, and (more often than not) only partly conscious. For example, suppose someone does not wish to attend a party. A passive-aggressive response in that situation might involve taking so long to get ready that the party is nearly over by the time they arrive.”
Now I receive quite a few emails that describe the guy as passive aggressive but actually, in struggling relationships that drag on, this is behaviour that both parties can be guilty of, but for part 1 of this post, I am looking at his behaviour.
Here is a common situation where he exhibits passive aggressive behaviour:
Many men in these situations actions contradict their words. The women who engage in relationships with them have intense discussions about the relationship, telling them what they want/think/and pretty much everything but the kitchen sink. He will say and act like he ‘gets’ what you’re saying so that the discussion can end and promises things that he will not deliver on and insists that he is different to what you claim. He then ends up doing exactly as he pleases, which is normally the opposite of what you want and gets his own way.
But of course there very common examples:
Withdrawing by blowing lukewarm or cold when he thinks that you may need, want, or expect things from him that are actually often based on (false) promises and behaviour during the hot phase.
Cheating or multiple dating to avoid commitment to any one person.
Disappearing so that you don’t become dependent on him because he likes attention, ego stoking, sex but doesn’t want you to depend on him because it feels overwhelming and it’s not what he wants.
Marginalising you by treating you poorly whilst enjoying the fringe benefits of being with you but not finishing it with you because he needs you around so he can get those fringe benefits.
Being non committal by struggling to commit to doing something in a few days never mind in a few months. This is forcing you to stop expecting and asking.
Running rings around you in discussions with you so that you end up doubting yourself or even feeling guilty.
Getting angry with you and then playing nicey-nice to disarm you and bring the situation and you under his control.
Because he makes promises that he can’t keep when you confront him about his poor behaviour, he actually traps you in the web of the relationship which is actually based on lies, smokescreens and essentially poor foundations because by blowing hot and retreating, you get trapped in the hope that this time he will change, when in actual fact he’ll be blowing cold all too soon.
Behaving like a complete assclown and knowing deep down that he is in the hope that you will respect yourself, opt out and reject his behaviour.
How do you end up sticking around a passive aggressive?
By avoiding responsibility for creating your own happiness and putting the responsibility of the relationship succeeding or failing into his own hands. This is another one of those ‘buying time’ scenarios because men that exhibit such poor relationship behaviour yet we stick with them anyway, are a sign that we are avoiding. We’re avoid true conflict because we don’t confront things about ourselves or make ourselves responsible for changing the situation and opting out.
These situations arise from seeking out and being with men that are inherently incapable of meeting your needs hence creating the self-fulfilling prophecy and letting you off the hook.
That’s right – Choosing a man that caters to all of your fears and negative beliefs about yourself, men, and relationships because we choose men that reflect the things we believe.
You’re used to not getting your need met and being with passive aggressive men like Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns means you to get to throw your version of love at men that don’t appreciate it. You then feel disappointed, unappreciated, resentful, frustrated, or even downright angry.
These men take the p*ss by blowing hot and cold and playing havoc with your mind and life and you just end up indulging in self-doubt and blame because his poor behaviour feels like your failure. It’s all incredibly destructive.
But that in itself is part of our own issues with passive aggression and partly control. But that’s for part 2.
What I do know is that passive aggressive behaviour is about dodging responsibility, avoiding being direct, and poor communication.
You have to ask yourself if you’re looking for things from a man incapable of giving them to you. If your relationship is just one long trail of disappointment, resistance, conflict, and basically negativity, you’ve done what you can do and you need to opt out and make yourself responsible for your own happiness rather than trying to make a silk purse out of a pigs ear.
‘But doesn’t this just mean he’s f*cked up and needs my help?’ you may ask. There has to be mighty big foundation to commit yourself to ‘fixing’ someone and the reality is that if you have the desire to ‘fix’ someone, there are things about you that you are avoiding ‘fixing’. My suggestion is always go away, sort your head out, get happy, deal with demons, and then see if you still want this guy when you’re in a different mindset.
In part 2 we look at how women can be passive aggressive in relationships
Your thoughts?
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out soon but if you want to get ahead on understanding your relationship struggles, especially with emotionally unavailable men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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Tryingtoleavehim-Excellent. Let me know how you like the book about “Breaking your addiction to a person” I almost bought that one and didn’t.
You’re headed down the right path now, keep doing the work, keep moving forward and making plans for you new life. You know…the one WITHOUT HIM!!! Get excited about all the things you’ve wanted to do and put off because of this stupid assclown. Your life isn’t on hold any longer it’s well worth living!
Tryingtoleavehim… I took me 4 YEARS of emotional turmoil for me to finally throw in the towel. Every day is hard for me, but everyday is also a little easier. I’m 29 , and i have a 3 yr old son. I keep reminding myself that I don’t want him to grow up to be the sort of man who treats women this way, and if he sees me accepting this sort of behavior, he wil think it is appropriate. You are not alone. at the very least, you have us on this site who have or are experiencing the same thing. Also understand that he more than likely plays these kinds of games with every woman in his life (if there are other woman). I have low self esteem, but i’m working hard on it. At the very least we are entitled to our sanity! another very good book is “men who hate women and the women who love them” by Susan Forward.
Holly, you are right about your 3 yr old son. They learn from example and he is still at a very impressionable age. You can change it for him, it’s not too late.
I have a teen age son and he is almost identical to his father with his attitude, his talking down to me it’s like I’m reliving the nightmare all over again. I love my son, and he’s still young and immature and I won’t give up on him but he learned all this stuff years ago. Even when I thought I was protecting him from it.
Nip it in the bud now, get your son away from this guy. He is not a role model. Keep up the good work on your self-esteem, it’s important that’s what will keep you strong and able to set boundaries and stick with them. You’ll need that for later too, with your son when he becomes a teenager!
Holly, thank you. I almost got that book to. I am amazed that this man was married for 17 years and wonder how men like this even get married! I don’t understand it but at the same time it doesn’t matter. That is part of me obsessing on why her not me! Everything on this site is so right on. As for the role model thing, when I first met him one of the things I fell in love with was his stories of his childhood. It seemed so normal. He had loving and doting parents. I just don’t get where this behavior comes from. I dont have children but he does and I have TOLD HIM that they need to see loving relationships. UGH, but here we go again with the talk, talk and endless mouth moving with nothing being heard. LoriG, I will let you know how the book is. I can’t wait to read more as knowledge is power.
One thing i seem to be having problem with is second guessing myself. I sometimes find myself thinking “maybe I was too hasty”. I know I wasn’t. He’ll never change.
Tryingtoleavhim, I obsess too. Soon, it will become easier to think of other things. Keep reading the books to keep yourself in tune with reality. It’s so easy to get bogged down with the why’s and how come’s. DO NOT make this your problem. Don’t put your life on hold. Let him sort the shit out on his own. You can’t do it for him. Work on feeling good about YOU.
Holly-he is mean to you, he disrespects you. You haven’t been too hasty. The second guessing is the part of you who is insecure talking, and the best thing is to cancel out those thoughts immediately as they come in with positive ones.
He will not change, he will not change, this isn’t about you.
The thing with my EUM is he is not mean. He is sweet to me. I’ve had a rough time in my personal life and he has been there for me every step of the way. When I thought he would leave he didn’t. Its just when it comes down to the I loves yous and the commitment for a future its “I don’t know and I’m unsure and I don’t know if I am even capable.” I used to play house and pretend that everything was okay when we were together but now I see myself years down the road with nothing more than we have now. So, when we are together, sometimes, I will sit and say what the heck am I doing here? Like I have said before, at least I have awaken from the fairytale dreamland I used to be in. Its almost like I’m just still in bed, awake from the dream and not quite ready to get up yet. I know when I do finally get up…that will be it.
I’ll admit about the obsessing too. My ex EUM was into hockey, he wrote for a hockey blog, he had season tickets you name it. So at some point my distorted mind thought well, if I get into more hockey he will accept me. So I read hockey blogs, went to hockey games, learned hockey lingo, got up on the stats of players, watched his favorite hockey team every time they were on TV and then I every week I would read his hockey blog as my way of being close to him in some way. Ugh! I did this for 2 yrs
Now, I’ve almost lost all interest in hockey. I have all this great hockey knowledge and could almost care less now. It took the wind right out of my sails for the game.
He never changed, whether I was into hockey or not. Make sense? I tried to morph him, and look where I ended up? On relationship crack for goodness sakes.
Rule #1 – Just be yourself (once you get re-focused and actually know who “yourself” is)
Holly-sorry about the mean comment. It’s even harder when they are opposite, I feel for you either way.
Lori G-
no worries- This dude is like crack and I must get away! I don’t really understand why he’s even contacting me since he lives with the person he wanted the relationship with.
I just had this thought. Why is it these assclowns keep contacting us when they are clear about not leaving their wife, the gf or whatever? If it’s so great with wife or gf why can’t they just leave us alone? Even after we go to NC. They still feel they have to have us. It’s crazymaking.
Lori G-
I totally agree. Here is a post I put on Craigslist if anyone would care to read it. Might give you a laugh.
http://atlanta.craigslist.org/rnr/924257111.html
LoriG, that has to be the best craigslist post I’ve ever seen. Well put!
Har har!
Holly, you are coming along quite well to have a sense of humor about it!
Thanks Lori G and Regina! I was hoping i wasn’t the only one who saw the humor. It can be theraputic to laugh at ourselves sometimes
I said LorG when I should have said Holly…I stay in a constant state of confusion. LOL; it is good to have humor. Keep it up!!!
“Behaving like a complete assclown and knowing deep down that he is in the hope that you will respect yourself, opt out and reject his behaviour.” But what about when you do opt out, tell him to scram, and he STILL continues to chase you? I know my EUM makes me miserable and he crossed a line with me and i just flat out ignored him. HARD but i did it yet for the past week, everytime i look it is some darn missed call, text asking to see me and EVEN and apology. What is the bst way to go, i really want to get happy again and this one wont’ get the hint. Any help? thank you….
Hi Audrey. In terms of dealing with his behaviour all you can do is ignore it. They eventually get the message but it may get worse before it gets better. Unfortunately it requires willpower and determination that you’ll have to pull from reserves you have deep down within. These men learn through repetition so just as much as you teach a pattern by accepting the behaviour or taking them back after a certain time of ignoring, you can teach them a whole new lesson by sticking to your guns. Eventually, they do get the message and they slink away. They may try again in a few months or longer but then they find a different you who is no longer interested or has moved on so they have to accept that the door is closed. I wouldn’t worry too much about what he’s doing. Don’t feed the demon of his ego and thirst for attention. You should be focusing on moving forward because the fact that he tries to call or text shouldn’t stop you from getting on with your life. You know him and you know his behaviour.
Thanks so much! i need girls to help me get stronger. I am pretty far down, don’t feel great about myself and slightly confused why he woudl want me like this… so i need to get strong and move along. thanks!!
Reading these comments has really helped me. I am on day 5 of NC after a 6 year on/off relationship with a man who has intentionally hurt me emotionally time and time again. I found this site just at the right time, it’s like a sign!
I am yoyo-ing between feeling that he is right and this site is wrong and vice-versa, but I know deep down that the grim reality is that I have been used and abused for years by a mean-spirited, passive-aggressive ‘man’. I have felt every emotion over the last few days. First I felt elation – that I knew he would be suffering and thinking about me. Then I felt scared and panicky – ‘What have I done?! How dare I think I am strong enough to get out!’. Now I am blazing with anger, how could I have been so stupid?
I cant quite bring myself to block his email address…I have deleted all emails from him, which was a biggie for me!
I am blown away by how amazing you all are. A bunch of strong, intelligent, articulate women. I have drawn so much strength from all of your stories. We can do this!
I just got out of the most passive/aggressive mentally disturbing relationship I can imagine. I cut it off quite soon and have no wants to go back. I swear to God that this boy’s own birth was my fault. I have never, ever met anyone so nice and so mean at the same time and yes it is about control. Watch out for boys who have Mommy and Daddy issues ladies, they are very messed up and if you are a caretaker, you will be taken advantage of. Go for the nice men from good families and be aware of this from the very beginning……Just a little tidbit from experience. Merry Christmas!!
Wow. Glad I found and read these post. I just broke it off with a guy for being really disrespectful to me. I was conflicted because I love him and he is sweet most of the time but he was insulting me. I’ve known him for a month and it’s been pretty intense. We are an inter-racial couple and he kept making comments about other cultures that weren’t so nice. Well, it’s funny but when I get my period, things get magnified and I see clearer…it’s like automatic housecleaning time. He tried that insult bs with me at the wrong time ladies and even I didn’t see it coming but I gave him the boot. Oddly enough I’m wondering if I over reacted but I find him to be soooo self absorbed. I said “baby, what’s my favorite color”…he said “I don’t know your favorite color but mine is Royal Blue.” Well, that said it all for me and kind of summed up the whole relationship…he could care less about really getting to know me and he could not put aside his self centeredness. I HATE THAT I LOVE HIM. I will be so honest and tell you all that the loving/sex/passion was good!!! But I need more. The flip side is also that he made me the center of his life, his little audience and I’ve seen him get really depressed when I’m away on business. I do worry a bit about how this breakup will affect him, but I feel a bit of self respect for myself, finally I recognized that I feel so invisible in this relationship and THAT’S NOT OK. It is hard –bonding happens-breathing in his pheromones. I’ll be all right though, I’ve got a bustling career and I’m in recovery to stop picking glorified loosers. I know growing up with a narcissistic mom taught me to cater and dance around others especially men. I got it twisted. I am learning though…slowly at age 41…ouch.
Canaan-You go girl! You’ve got the right idea, just keep on with the recovery piece, you sound very positive.
I have been married to one of these men for 22 years. Only in the last 5 years have i really noticed how bad he is and thats mainly because i have done a lot of internet research. Life has been full of broken promises, procrastination and avoidance on his part. His way of dealing with problems is to sulk and dish out the silent treatment. He rarely speaks but walks about with this “i am so sad” look on his face which leaves everyone wondering what they did wrong. He just lost his job before christmas because his PA behaviour was not tolerated in the workplace. He is the most laid back man i ever met as long as no one rocks the boat and expects anything from him. Emotionally he describes himself as “emotionally detached” and blames that on the fact he had to come second best when our two beautiful children arrived. He never takes responsibility for anything. 12 years ago he cheated and of course that was my fault because i was too busy to pander to his every whim. I have stopped discussing problems with him. I know he will never change. When i feel that things get too much i walk away and write in my journal which really frustrates and angers him. I am sure he loves all the relationship discussions (even though he never responds) because he gets attention. I have stopped it totally. x
Debbie,
Why don’t you two go to counseling?
Counseling won’t help, I divorced mine after 18 years, they won’t change and also they don’t feel like they need counseling.
He doesnt see there is a problem. Its all down to me being overly sensitive and never being satisfied according to him. Every discussion i ever had with him he just sat there fixated on the tv, shaking his head in disgust. All he ever says is “i go to work and bring home the money, maybe i should jack my job in and see how far we get then”. Thats all he does do if i am honest because the rest of the time he is either deeply concentrating on the tv or persuing online gaming avidly. Theres so much more i can say but what i dont understand is why get married in the first place if he cannot give anything of himself? x
I found when I was dating an assclown – his actions were controdicting words. For instance: I would kiss him; I could feel him backing away and him stating “you sure like to kiss don’t you?”… then confronted him and his reply was “Kissing you is my favorite thing to do!” OKAY ASSCLOWN!!! If you don’t want to kiss me why the hell are we dating in the first place, be gone! LOL … One of those guys who came on strong and backing off – MY BAD for not sticking with stronger boundaries.
My fellas actions have always left me feeling puzzled! Ive never got my head around the fact he witholds affection as a form of punishment accompanied by the silent treatment. He communicates in non-verbal ways. Its all done with facial gestures and body language. Half the time i never know what i have done wrong and it then becomes like a multiple choice quiz! …. are you unhappy because………? fill in the blanks! He has a very addictive personality and during down time he fixates on the latest addiction. Every spare moment being dedicated to it. He has had a gambling addiction in the past, partying addiction, fishing addiction and now its online gaming. Anything that can take him away from problems within the marriage itself. Yet he says he is happy! His face is constantly set in stone. Everyone that ever knew him says he is a miserable man with an attitude problem! x
All True!!!
I am starting a counselling course at the end of April and hope this will help. I have asked him to join me but his answer is “why change something thats worked for 22 years”. My reply was “because its stopped working”. x
I am starting pyschotherapy on Friday as I have been obsessing for nearly 18 months now and still cant seem to move on. He’s with someone else now and has been for about a year. She was his best mates partner and I knew her well, even went out together. They broke up just before he walked out on me, and I knew she was making a play for him, the tart. Still they deserve each other. I was promised marriage and got a beautiful expensive ring, and we planned our future together and he was really wonderful to me for the first year and then started to back off. I know he was taking drugs, he smoked cannabis and used cocaine and so did she, both running up debts. I know am so better out of it, but still cant stop thinking about him. I began to phone those bloody psychics, as it was one predicted that I would meet him and I did exactly as they said, but they never predicted this would happen and said that he would come back. So I have waited and waited until I found out last week he was with her and she wrote me a scrappy note stating that he was happy, in love and married. She must be as insecure as me. Yes and he is her problem now thank God, and I have to sort out mine.
I have just come across this site and I find it amazing.
I myself am in a relalationship a year and a half, he was my good friend for a few years before. Things were great when we became a couple, felt natural, I knew al along it was meant be.
Im an independent and strong minded person, but now as I think back Im not how I used to be. The recently constant arguing has worn me down. I think we clash, but i give in more often to just stop d argument. I grew some of my old balls back last month when I finally called it a day, because the day we came back from a 10 day holiday he claimed he felt ‘ugh’ after spending so much time with me!!! So naturally he came back promising things will change for he better and i gave him a chance. Now, a month on, he’s just told me Im CLINGY!!! I see him once maybe twice a week, when I do I enjoy it although lately he’s been diatant so iv upped my game an have kissed and hugged him randomly to see can i get d slightest bit of affection back from him and now im ‘clingy’! Im baffled! he’s saying now he doesn know what he wants and neither do I and I know this sounds silly because it looks like he obviously wants us to end, but with our history I know its not that easy.. for both of us! We are in love, but the arguments are just to much.. again, for both of us.
What do I do?!
OMG! I really hope I’ve found this site a whole lot earlier. Would have saved me from all the heart ache & pain. I was definately dating a passive agressive, emotionally unavailable, selfish MM who only loves himself & blows hot & cold & then try to twill me ard his pinky!
Antonia,
My two cents worth.. I think u shld take a break from this relationship & start to focus on urself cos he’s makin u feel like a lesser person. There’s always a history with a loved one. Or maybe, he still loves you but is not in love with you?
Take time off, minimal or no contact. If u guys managed to get back together again, reaffirmed the basic values/fnds of ur relationship. Then u’ve got urself a keeper. Rite now at the rate it’s wearing both of u out(esp u), I doubt it”ll be easy for u guys to even stay as frens after this whole episode. I hope this helps & I know it’s painful & frustrating. Be strong!
After doing alot of research and self discovery in trying to fix my lifes problems, it came to light that I was an “assclown” or a Passive Aggressive male..
Every bit of reading i’ve done so far claims that we are “beyond all hope” and that we’ll “never change.” I really hope that isn’t true, because I can’t stand having it. I don’t ever -mean- to do it, it’s those moments when we get “hot” and we can’t control our actions, words, even thoughts.. It sickens me after I realize what I said or did, but it’s always too late and it always ends the same.
I’ve also learned that it’s caused by childhood development, being taught anger isn’t a normal feeling, or getting scolded for showing anger, causing us to repress it. That being the case, perhaps that could link with how to fix the issue.
Again, I wish to rid myself of this problem, i’m in a serious relationship and it causes so much tension. Now all of our arguments make so much more sense after learning about this, it’s all -me- causing the problems.
We are going to work together on it, All you need is Love.
Dan´s last blog ..Threadless Tshirt Giveaway at jaypeeonline.net
p.s. I hope my posts show that not all men enjoy feeling this way, or having this problem.
Dan´s last blog ..Threadless Tshirt Giveaway at jaypeeonline.net
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