Do You Have a ‘Not Allowed To Fail’ Mentality To Dating & Relationships?

by Natalie (NML) on January 25, 2012

NOT ALLOWED TO FAIL BUTTON HAS BEEN ACTIVATED - FEAR OF FAILURE IN RELATIONSHIPS

When I was a product design student, I learned through theory and experience that it’s better to recognise mistakes, which are actually opportunities for change, or even ‘failure’, which although it’s a lack of success, it at the same time also represents another opportunity for change. Recognising when something isn’t working and applying that knowledge was better than deciding “I am a product designer and anything I make is right and must work.”

If you’ve ever watched something like Dragon’s Den, a British show where entrepreneurs pitch their ideas to millionaire investors, you’ll know that some people are so invested in the potential of their idea, in spite of external indications that they need to tweak or abandon, that they’ll sometimes sink hundreds of thousands of pounds into bonkers ideas. Well sometimes, our attitudes to relationships or our lives in general can be like this – we don’t know when to fold and we also don’t process ‘feedback‘.

Too many people operate on a ‘not allowed to fail’ mentality which heightens a fear of failure. It’s like no mistake or lack of success can be admitted, and when they eventually are, it’s taken so deeply, it’s as if they’re seen as permanent marks on your ‘relationship record’ or your ‘life record’.

If you have a ‘not allowed to fail’ mentality, when you’re dating or in a relationship and recognise that all is not well or it doesn’t work out, your attitude is like:

“I’ve… given you my time, energy, spent some money, spent some ‘attraction coins’, kissed you like my life depended on it/forced myself to feel more attracted than I actually was, had sex with you at X days/weeks/months (and just in case you didn’t know, I wouldn’t have had sex with you if I didn’t think that we were serious or had the potential to be), used up my ‘trust fund’ (I find it hard to trust and now I don’t know how I’ll trust again), believed in your potential, cared about you, put on my best drawers, given you my game face, acted like I liked things that I didn’t, shaved my legs, been on three dates with you that took up a combined total of 11 hours and 27 minutes of my life, declined a date with someone who I wasn’t interested in anyway but who I might have forced myself to be if you weren’t around, didn’t take the number of that person that smiled at me on the train the other day (they could be the fricking one and you’ve robbed me of that chance), and extended some hope and fantasy credits amongst other things – you’d better give me my bleeeeep bleeeeeep [insert expletive of choice] relationship!”

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When They’re Not Over Their Ex: A Lesson In Empathy

by Natalie (NML) on January 23, 2012

Exit sign on a road

You meet someone, they ask you out, you enjoy yourself, you continue talking and spending time together, and feel the attraction and desire for a relationship building as the dates continue. Unfortunately, in spite of chemistry, common interests, apparent shared interests, direct and indirect references to the future etc, it becomes apparent that they’re not over their ex either because they tell you, or it becomes apparent through their actions.

Despite the new ‘evidence’ that scuppers your ‘case’ for a relationship, they tell you they like you a lot and that they want to be friends, even if you don’t shag. Or they try to get the fringe benefits without the relationship.

Here’s what empathy would look like: You’d put yourself in their shoes and immediately recognise that after a breakup, it’s a confusing and painful time where you go through a plethora of emotions – it’s time to get out of the way. You may even recognise that when you’re keen to avoid the hurt, it can feel oh so tempting to attach yourself to someone in the hope that they’ll distract, numb, or even excite, but you know that what they don’t do, is fix your breakup for you.

You’d recognise that not being over your ex, in whatever guise it takes, means still emotionally tied, whether it’s positively or negatively. It means that you might still be in touch with them, a reunion may still be under negotiation, and that you may be putting a lot of effort in to not making contact or swatting off their efforts.

It means thoughts popping into your head when you least expect them that you may feel like you have no control over. It means crying unexpectedly or feeling a sudden surge of anger or a deep wave of sadness.

Being empathetic means that recognising that they’re hurting but may be finding it hard to deal with it. There may have been no ill intention and that they were and are interested in you, it’s just they overestimated how ‘ready’ they are for a relationship. They thought they could handle this and didn’t want to miss out – sure you’ve met people when you’re not in the right place and been afraid of letting them go in case they get snapped up by someone else.

It’s recognising the futility of this three-in-an-emotional-bed-situation and wanting no part of it, because even though you are sympathetic and compassionate, this wouldn’t be good for them and it sure as hell wouldn’t be good for you. Of course they’re going to want to spend time and hold on to you (Who wouldn’t?!), but you have to do what they’re unable to do for themselves or you – the right and respectful thing, because you don’t do second best.

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You Can’t Erase An Ex From Your Mind…But You Can Reduce Their Power AND Keep Pushing Forward

by Natalie (NML) on January 20, 2012

Must.Try.Not.To.Think.About.Them.....<br /><br /> <p>Shag! I just realised that thinking about not<br/>thinking about them IS thinking about them.</p><br /><br /> <p>I need a lobotomy....

Recently I was talking with someone who was like a broken woman consumed with thoughts of her ex morning, noon, and night. “How am I supposed to stay NC if I can’t stop thinking about him all the time? I’m never going to be able to move on!” That’s when I thought “Woah! Hold up a second here – who said anything about NC being about forcing yourself to never have a thought about the person ever again?”

No Contact is initially about not making or accepting contact, but it also provides the space to not only grieve the loss of the relationship, but to focus your energy elsewhere and begin rebuilding your life. What it isn’t, is cutting contact and then sitting around trying to not have anymore thoughts about them.

Experience has taught me that the more you try not to think about something, is the more likely you are to, and then you’ll stress yourself further about the fact that you are in fact thinking about it and what you think thinking about it means, and then often react off the back of it. Exhausting!

Back in October 2010, when I was told to cut out wheat in an effort to reduce tinnitus and vertigo, after initially thinking it was going to be fine and then discovering that wheat is in many things, I went on a serious moan-a-thon. In an effort to remain focused on what I thought was the task at hand – not eating wheat – I attempted to put wheat out of my mind, only for it to turn up in my dreams dressed as the likes of eclairs, hot buttery toast, and my puff pastry covered beef pies. I seemed consumed by thoughts of wheat and what I was feeling were the inconveniences.

After a while, mostly because I was wearing down my own last nerve and probably those of the boyf, I began putting effort into finding alternatives, discovering places to eat with varied menus, and making myself food that I enjoy. As I’d felt the health benefits after a week (seriously), tempting as it was to, for example, snaffle down a mince pie, I accepted that uncomfortable as it had been, overall I felt happier and better.

I’ve seen this replicated in so many aspects of life – change doesn’t come without change which means discomfort, but the change feels positive when you don’t just sit around complaining about the inconveniences of the change or trying to force yourself never to think about whatever it is that you’re changing from and/or having to leave behind or put on hold.

If you’ve had hopes, dreams, aspirations, and experiences good and bad with someone, it’s a bit tricky just to cut them out of your thoughts. It’s also part of the grieving and healing process to feel your feelings and process your thoughts so that you can draw conclusions, accept and move on.

Yes I had to avoid wheat, but I was making my life about avoiding wheat instead of focusing on improving my health. Equally, I found that I made great strides in being happy when I stopped making my life about maintaining NC and instead made it about having a better life…while keeping my ex at bay.

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Are You On Standby? Why You’re Not Mr or Miss Last Minute Option

by Natalie (NML) on January 18, 2012

Please stand by. As soon as I decide if I'm going to be available.... I'll let you know.

Over the past few days since I wrote about whether you’re ready to date again, there’s been a flurry of discussion in the comments about people who rely on making last minute plans under the guise of being ‘spontaneous’ and who when you try to make plans, or call them on their lack of commitment, get all shirty with you.

This is what spontaneous looks like: You’re dating or in a relationship for a while, you see each other regularly, make plans in advance and then one day they phone up and say “I just found out that X is doing a gig tonight – do you fancy it?” or “Surprise! We’re off to Paris/having a weekend away/eating out tonight” or giving a gift just because.

This is not what spontaneous looks like: You’re dating or in a relationship for a while and you only find out what you’re doing on a Friday evening or on the day that it’s happening. Plans are rarely if ever made in advance and when you try to, they’re difficult to pin down, so in the end, the decision for them to agree to your suggestion is so last minute that they’ve pulled their usual stroke on you again – passive aggression.

Spontaneous also doesn’t look like: You haven’t heard from them for several days, a week, a few weeks, or even months and then a text comes through “Hey…hope you’re well. Fancy going out tonight?” And then after you spend time together, you don’t hear from them again for another several days/weeks/months until the next textvite comes through. That’s mind f*ckery. You can be damn sure that it also doesn’t sound like a call after dark asking whether they can ‘come over’ – that’s a booty call.

Spontaneous: “performed or occurring as a result of a sudden impulse or inclination and without premeditation or external stimulus.” (Oxford Dictionary)

I’m all for seizing the moment but if the only time I hear from you is when you’ve seized the itch in your pants, or your ego needs some pumping, or when you’ve finally decided to get around to thinking of me and considering me in your plans at the last moment, I’d rather take a raincheck. [click to continue…]

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Are You Ready To Date Again? Go Out and Find Out!

by Natalie (NML) on January 16, 2012

Dipping your toes into the water

The question of whether you’re ready to date again, is something that perplexes many people. I’d love to say that you bounce out of bed one day and it’s shazam, you just know and you then hurl yourself back out there without issue, but the truth is, you’ll only be able to judge your readiness when you’re already out there dating, or when you’re experiencing Dynasty levels of internal drama and angst without actually having done anything.

Relationships serve to teach us about ourselves and they’ll keep throwing you the same lessons until you heed them. The key in rising out of previous experiences and knocking any ‘mistakes’ on the head, is in the application going forward.

It becomes somewhat of a distraction to essentially try and get a Ph.D in dating, or playing Columbo on your exes, or trying to acquire a ‘perfect self’ to put out into the dating world. This is like becoming immersed in the theory and understanding it on an intellectual level and then instead of going out there and living it, applying, tweaking, gaining confidence out of the results and taking action, you think “Nah…I need to do some more study…and actually, truth be told, I think that my last chance saloon has gone.”

There’s 3 specific questions that you can ask of yourself to gauge your readiness, although you can ask more:

1) Have you cleaned out your relationship house? Over your ex, not shagging anyone else, not keeping track of exes and even brief dates on Facebook, not dialling and texting to collect attention, and certainly not hoping that one or more of your exes might spontaneously combust into being The Person You Want.

Your past relationships are firmly in the past.

It also means dealt or actively dealing with anything that you’ve realised through your interactions and introspection is affecting your ability to have healthy, mutual relationships and good self-esteem. Again, life is an ongoing journey so if you’re in a good place, even with previous issues say from childhood to deal with, this can be dealt with in the background to your life. However if any issues are front and centre and greatly affect you right now, impacting your ability to be honest with yourself or even with others, to be responsible, functioning etc, you can’t. You’ll need to focus on those - the truth is that getting laid or starting out on dates can wait – you can’t.

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