Latest Posts
Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns - Part Three
Let’s be real, rejection sucks, especially if you actually expend brain energy thinking of yourself as a reject (i.e. not good enough) that’s been rejected (discarded). In part one of this three part series, I explained how our ability to cope with rejection or even readiness to perceive certain actions from these men as rejection is tied to low self-esteem. In part two, I explained how rather than turning his behaviour inward and blaming yourself, you need to recognise that he is rejecting everything that being involved with you or any woman that expects, wants, or needs anything represents.
Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns - Part Two
In part one, I explained how our ability to cope with rejection is tied to our self-esteem and that our sense of rejection is compounded by the fact that we engage in a self-fulfilling prophecy of choosing partners that reflect our fears and negative beliefs, which in turn, when we habitually engage with these types of men, sets us up for ‘rejection’. We are often in fact, engaging in behaviour which causes us to reject ourselves.
There is also a pervasive feeling of disbelief that accompanies this sense of rejection, and this stems from the fact that you can’t believe that this guy who you recognise is unworthy of you and a waste of time, doesn’t want someone like you. You know you’re better than this - the drama, the ambiguity, the men who cannot and will not recognise your value - yet you persist, because there is a conflict.
Can you stay friends with Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns after you break up?- Part Three
So we reach the final part of this three part post on whether you can, or should stay friends with a Mr Unavailable and/or assclown. In part one, I explained the immediate factors that make it tricky to stay friends with these men and the real reasons why you will want to stay ‘friends’, and in part two I followed it up by explaining the true dynamics of these dubious ‘friendships’. Both posts continued to beg you to ask the question:
Why the hell do I want to be friends with this man?
You also need to realise this: relationships cannot and should not involve projection and where there is a Mr Unavailable and/or an assclown, projection is there like a great big beacon of light radiating from you.
Can you stay friends with Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns after you break up?- Part Two
In part one, I gave you a whole host of reasons why it’s foolhardy to pursue friendship with a Mr Unavailable and/or assclown and also explained why you may want to pursue friendship with them.
The one thing that I want you to keep saying to yourself, out loud if you can is:
Why the hell do I want to be friends with this man?
The more often you say this and think this, is the more you are forced to get real, is the more you have to be accountable for why you’re still miserable and you haven’t moved on.
As I said in part one, remaining friends with an assclown or Mr Unavailable, when you are still emotionally attached, is about establishing a new ‘fallback position’.
Can you stay friends with Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns after you break up?- Part One
Over the past few days (and many times before) there has been a lot of talk in the comments about staying friends with your ex, and more importantly, whether you can stay friends with a Mr Unavailable or assclown after you’ve broken up.
I have written on several occasions about being friend’s with your ex for example in can’t we just be friends, and for me it’s like this:
If you are no longer emotionally attached to your ex and have gotten over him and moved on, let’s say 6 months or a year down the line, go ahead and knock yourself out. That is of course if he actually has qualities tha t make him worthy of actually being your friend.
If you want, need, or expect anything from your ex, even if you don’t express it or acknowledge it, you have ulterior motives for wanting to be his friend.
Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns - Part Three
Let’s be real, rejection sucks, especially if you actually expend brain energy thinking of yourself as a reject (i.e. not good enough) that’s been rejected (discarded). In part one of this three part series, I explained how our ability to cope with rejection or even readiness to perceive certain actions from these men as rejection is tied to low self-esteem. In part two, I explained how rather than turning his behaviour inward and blaming yourself, you need to recognise that he is rejecting everything that being involved with you or any woman that expects, wants, or needs anything represents.
Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns - Part Three
Let’s be real, rejection sucks, especially if you actually expend brain energy thinking of yourself as a reject (i.e. not good enough) that’s been rejected (discarded). In part one of this three part series, I explained how our ability to cope with rejection or even readiness to perceive certain actions from these men as rejection is tied to low self-esteem. In part two, I explained how rather than turning his behaviour inward and blaming yourself, you need to recognise that he is rejecting everything that being involved with you or any woman that expects, wants, or needs anything represents.
The No Contact Rule Web Seminars
Over the next few weeks I will be announcing a series of regular web seminars (webinars) which will tackle various relationship subjects whilst enabling Q&A sessions.
The first seminar will be on June 6th at 3pm GMT (I am in London) which for instance will be 10am Eastern time in the US, and will finish at 4.20pm. If you would like to attend a seminar and would like to advise of days and times that suit, please email natalie AT baggagereclaim.co.uk with your location/time zone and when there are enough people in that time slot, I am happy to set up a seminar. You can also suggest subjects as I am keen to ensure that readers get the most out of sessions.
Groups are generally up to 15 although for certain seminars there may be smaller or larger where appropriate.
The first webinar is The No Contact Rule - Getting Started.
Dating
Are men really like rubber bands? The Bigger Picture (Part 3)
Over parts one and two of this mini series, I have been explaining why John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’ theory that are all men are like rubber bands because they have an intimacy cycle that needs them to stretch (retreat) and then eventually spring back when they want to get closer can be a dangerous belief to have that will cause women to overinest in inappropriate relationships in the belief that poor behaviour is just ‘normal’.
I’m a firm believer that with the type of modern day relationships that we have which are fraught with commitment issues, emotional unavailability, assclownary, and complications like technology such as online dating and text messaging, that subscribing to this theory is like giving a man carte blanche to take the p*ss. It also means that the lines become very blurred because many women do not end up being able to distinguish between this so-called rubber banding and someone who is actually using a cycle of distancing themselves and then returning to control the relationship and manage down your expectations.
Are men really like rubber bands? Understanding retreating (Part Two)
In part one of this three part post, I explained how believing that all men are like rubber bands (as described in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray) with an intimacy cycle that causes them to retreat and return, can end up being a licence for women to over-invest in relationships where in actual fact, he is retreating so far out of the relationship, he’s not in it and on another planet.
This isn’t about people having a healthy level of space in a healthy relationship (because that’s normal and needed); this is about how a wide sweeping statement that all men are like rubber bands that go through an intimacy cycle can send the wrong message where women don’t decipher between someone being independent and autonomous in a positive way, and someone who is using this so called ‘intimacy cycle’ to manage down their partners expectations, keep themselves emotionally distant, and effectively stalling the progress of a relationship.
Are men really like rubber bands? Er…No (Part One)
Over the past few weeks, I’ve had an increasing number of emails from readers asking questions about the very famous relationship book, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray. I have no idea what has triggered the sudden gathering of questions but one of the most common issues with the assertion that ‘men are like rubber bands’.
John Gray essentially believes that men have an intimacy cycle that is comparable with a rubber band, which stretches (this is when the man pulls away) and then eventually springs back, which is when he wants to get closer.
“Men instinctively feel this urge to pull away. It is not a decision or choice. It just happens. It is neither his fault nor her fault. It is a natural cycle”
Obsessing & Overthinking - Processing the Evidence of your Relationship So You Can Move On
I’ve often talked about the fact that we’re inclined to talk and think too much when it comes to our relationships, whether we’re in one or out of it. When we’re ensconced in the relationship, we use discussing, and explaining, and thinking, and obsessing, and projecting, and agonising, and everything but the kitchen sink to stop ourselves from actually doing something.
When we’re out of the relationship, we obsess about what we coulda, woulda, should’ve done. Even when he’s moved on, on another emotional planet, or a complete and utter assclown, we then spend time obsessing, again to stop ourselves from moving on but also because we are looking for reasons to blame ourselves for the relationship ending.
He broke up with me - Is he an assclown?
In my (finally) soon to be released How to Lose an Assclown ebook, there is a chapter called ‘He broke up with me - Is he an assclown?’ because there is a tendency when we feel more than a little ill done by for some of the poor choices that we make, to tag a man as an assclown…even when he’s not, and that’s simply because there is a general assumption by women who have a habit of pursuing poor men and relationships that each guy has the potential to be the one, or that they have to continue expending energy on a relationship when it’s flat out dead, and a general issue with letting go of things.
Letting Go of a Relationship…That Doesn’t Exist
There are two big questions hovering in the comments recently that pretty much amount to the same thing:
How do I let go of the guy that didn’t reciprocate my feelings?
How do I let go of the guy that I didn’t actually have a relationship with?
In essence, how do you let go of a one-sided attraction which in your mind has created a relationship out of…your feelings?
Finance & Romance Do Not Mix. Ain’t nothin’ going on but the rent!
Over the past few days I have noticed a lot of discussion in the comments about money, namely some assclown/Mr Unavailable having borrowed money from you and now that the relationship is over and you want him out of your life, you want his money and you want it back now.
He Doesn’t Have to Say It’s Over for It to Be Over
When a man decides to opt out of the relationship by ending it, it is no different to when he chooses to opt out of it by behaving in counterproductive, assclownish ways but not actually uttering the words, ‘It’s over’. They both amount to the same thing.
Love & Relationships
Coping with feeling rejected by Mr Unavailable’s & Assclowns - Part One
There are two key things that everyone desires and fears in life; acceptance and rejection, and where you don’t get one, you get the other. One of the most difficult things for someone who has been involved with a Mr Unavailable or assclown is the lingering feeling of rejection, something that most people experience in relationships.
I think on some level, many of you recognise that these guys are not worthy of your time, and the confusion and rejection kicks in, because you can’t understand why someone who is unworthy of your time would reject someone like you, because you know you’re better than a guy like him…yet you’re not interested in a guy who would actually treat you better….
What is love and a good relationship?
It took me a long time to realise that I’d spent most of my relationship history feeling not so great with either dubious partners or guys who I failed to recognise as being decent. Looking back, I was actually downright miserable with some of my exes yet at the time I professed to be happy, or crazy about them and that we just needed to ‘work things out’. I also believed that being in a relationship meant that there was going to be drama and big lows. And then I got wise.
I’ve been asked several times recently what love is, how do you know when a relationship is good and variations on these queries. I’m not about to get all lyrical on you and start doing ‘Love is…’ poems but suffice to say that there are enough of you who have professed to love men that don’t love you to know that love means different things to different people. You can do love the healthy way…or the painful, not so healthy way…
Relationships need two committed parties to grow…and prosper
I was looking at the ‘twelve positive truths’ that I mention in Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and one of them got me thinking about relationships that grow and those that falter.”Relationships that grow and prosper involve both parties having both feet in. If you learn how to put both feet in, you will truly recognise when his are out, which in turn will teach you to only invest in relationships where you get a return on investment.”One of the core characteristics of unhealthy relationships with Mr Unavailable’s and assclowns is that rather than the relationship growing and developing, it instead starts to recede, yank along in fits and starts, or grind to an irritating halt.
Is it love? Or is it fear, drama and pain?
If you’ve been reading this site for long enough there are some fundamentals you will have learned about the relationships that you find yourselves in and the experiences that they yield:
We choose men that reflect the things that we believe about ourselves.
If you predominantly carry negative ideas about yourself, love, and relationships, your partners will mirror these and exacerbate them creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Getting back with your ex when the reason for the breakup hasn’t changed
After I broke up with an assclown many moons ago, I found myself wondering about getting back with him. He was no better than he was when I was with him but I decided that the desire to be around him was so great that it must be indicative of how great our ‘love’ was - surely love would conquer all?
Fortunately common sense kicked in on that occasion because I recognised that not only was he no better, but he was actually worse. However, I am not alone in wanting a man and a relationship that’s no good for me and even though I went on to be involved with even more assclowns, one thing that stuck with me is that there is a reason why you broke up.
You can gloss it over, inflate it with your vision of the great, happy ever after, but in the cold light of day, you cannot ignore the fact that the relationship ended for a reason and if that reason still exists, even if you choose to ignore it, the relationship will fail again.
Dropping the illusion of words to be action focused in your relationships
One of the things that you will hear me repeatedly state when talking about relationships is:
Actions always speak louder than words.
You’ll realise if you have an ongoing pattern of being involved in dubious relationships with dubious men, that you buy too much into words and illusion, without paying too much attention to action.
This shouldn’t be a surprise to you if you have found that you struggle to let go of what you believed the relationship to be even in the face of real, hardcore evidence that says that he is not what you believed. We will often find when we are involved in these poor relationships that we spend too much time betting on potential and also projecting our idea of what we think they are or what the relationship could be.
Waiting To Exhale
For years I was holding my breath without realising. As I floundered around in a sea of bad taste in men, emotional unavailability, and my unbeknownst to me commitment-phobia, I was stifling myself and struggling to breath.
Each new guy that appeared in my life had me holding my breath in anticipation that he might be ‘The One’ - nevermind that I was subconsciously repeating poor relationship patterns over and over again that meant that I was choosing men that were the least likely candidates for a relationship!
I’m not exactly sure what I was waiting on, but I, like a lot of women have held my breath as I anticipated that my life might change with a relationship; that somewhere out there was a man with my name on it that held the key to my happiness.
Are men really like rubber bands? The Bigger Picture (Part 3)
Over parts one and two of this mini series, I have been explaining why John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’ theory that are all men are like rubber bands because they have an intimacy cycle that needs them to stretch (retreat) and then eventually spring back when they want to get closer can be a dangerous belief to have that will cause women to overinest in inappropriate relationships in the belief that poor behaviour is just ‘normal’.
I’m a firm believer that with the type of modern day relationships that we have which are fraught with commitment issues, emotional unavailability, assclownary, and complications like technology such as online dating and text messaging, that subscribing to this theory is like giving a man carte blanche to take the p*ss. It also means that the lines become very blurred because many women do not end up being able to distinguish between this so-called rubber banding and someone who is actually using a cycle of distancing themselves and then returning to control the relationship and manage down your expectations.
Are men really like rubber bands? Understanding retreating (Part Two)
In part one of this three part post, I explained how believing that all men are like rubber bands (as described in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray) with an intimacy cycle that causes them to retreat and return, can end up being a licence for women to over-invest in relationships where in actual fact, he is retreating so far out of the relationship, he’s not in it and on another planet.
This isn’t about people having a healthy level of space in a healthy relationship (because that’s normal and needed); this is about how a wide sweeping statement that all men are like rubber bands that go through an intimacy cycle can send the wrong message where women don’t decipher between someone being independent and autonomous in a positive way, and someone who is using this so called ‘intimacy cycle’ to manage down their partners expectations, keep themselves emotionally distant, and effectively stalling the progress of a relationship.
He havent sent anything more,at