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So many people treat breakups like personal statements of their worth or their ability to love and be loved. As a result, the stories we tell ourselves about why a breakup happened and what it means about us can profoundly affect our self-esteem and subsequent relationship habits. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I invite you to shift your perspective on breakups.

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5 key topics in this episode

  • A breakup is the process by which we end a relationship. Or, it’s that moment (or series of moments) where The End is declared or defined. On a deeper level though, a breakup is a wake-up call. Even though we might not recognise it at the time or appreciate having to learn what we did, a breakup is a character-building sttepping stone towards the relationship we need, desire and deserve.
  • We always experience painful feelings when we’re telling ourselves untrue stories. That narrative not only triggers our emotional baggage but adds to it too. From there, how we feel, think about and treat ourselves affects our self-care, boundaries and bandwidth. And then we take this narrative into our future relationships. Even though we may have moved on, we may harbour anger and hurt at our younger self or past partner.
  • A breakup isn’t a performance review. It’s also not the case that a breakup is only warranted if the relationship is really bad. Breakups don’t discriminate and happen to everyone regardless of how fabulous they are or how much they tried.
  • Not everyone wants a relationship or has to want a relationship. And even when we do want a relationship, some of us can’t handle intimacy or what a relationship requires.
  • Every relationship that needs a breakup or has ended, has one, some or all of the vital ingredients missing. These are love, care, trust and respect, The Four Qualities (emotionally available, commitment to self, ownership and positive outlook), compatibility (shared core values and emotional needs met), attraction, and The Landmarks of Healthy Relationships (balance, consistency, commitment, intimacy and progression).

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