If there is one thing a woman in a dubious relationship loves, it’s shades of grey. Looking between the lines when there is no gap. Seeing gold or platinum when it’s actually copper. Seeing a loaf when it’s a crumb. Over rationalising things to make it fit within her reason. And the big ones; assuming she is different or that he is different.
The reason why I say this? There are two things you should drum into yourself so you can get into reality:
1) When you make contact after starting No Contact, and by ‘make’ that means instigating or accepting it in any, way, shape, or form, it is contact. Period. Contact is contact.
2) You may put on your rose tinted glasses and your fur coat of denial and rationalise that your guy is different, special, has some good points, has some good days, is only a ‘bit’ emotionally unavailable or not as emotionally unavailable as the last guy, but…emotionally unavailable is emotionally unavailable.
With the former, I really want you to realise that whatever reasons you come up with for making contact or accepting contact , and whatever tone you think you had and yada, yada, yada, he doesn’t think ‘Ah, Natalie accepted my call but she’s really frosty with me so I think I’d better leave her alone from now on because I don’t want to mess her around any further and I’ve already put her through enough pain’. No – he doesn’t ‘think’ at all because the act of getting you to break No Contact is about attention. You may look at it as giving him 1% attention but he just sees it as attention, period. He realises he’s proved his point, and often, the silly little assclown won’t even bother to return your call or will just straight up vanish.
Stop explaining, stop discussing, stop thinking that he’s thinking the same thing you’re thinking, because trust me, he’s not. If you weren’t on the same planet when you were together, you can be damn sure you’re not now that it’s over.
99% of the time, whatever reason you have come up with for making contact or accepting it, it’s not the real reason and if you’re even THINKING about making contact, it’s a neon flashing light of a signal that is telling you that you haven’t cut contact for long enough!
When it comes to emotional unavailability, one of the problems that will keep you being compassionate, projecting, and in denial, is believing that you can make him different or that he’s not what he actually is. For the habitually emotionally unavailable that cause umpteen problems for themselves and you, they are emotionally unavailable.
Stop analysing him and trying to put him into the ‘not so bad job lot’ of emotionally unavailable by overextending your compassion.
Mr Unavailable is not a ‘bit’ emotionally unavailable, 25%, 50, 66 or whatever percent emotionally unavailable. It doesn’t matter if he only has done half the things that some others do – that half may be very bad and where there is half, there is more.
You want to think he’s different because you don’t want to let go and you’re heavily emotionally invested in the potential that you think he can deliver. The fact that you need to focus on potential rather than the current him speaks volumes.
If you have to have shades of grey to maintain your idea of the relationship, it’s a sign that something is very wrong. Whilst the world is not black and white, if you’re in a healthy relationship, you shouldn’t have to rationalise him, his behaviour, your emotional investment, or your reasons for still being around. Period.