The quote goes, “Show me your friends and I will show you who you are.” Nowadays, friends and lovers tend to come as a pre-packaged deal. If you have a new guy you are seeing, your friends will hear about him, and you will eventually introduce him to them. However, the question is, how soon should you introduce your new man to your friends? And when should you plan on meeting his?
I was going to brave the point of view that you should meet his friends when you feel comfortable doing so, however, knowing that there are a few shy ladies amongst us, this might take forever and a day. A few years ago, I dated a guy that I NEVER met any of his friends. Ever. We were together for 6 months and looking back, it’s hard for me to even fathom how I could have not noticed it. Granted, I was cocooned in the honeymoon stage for the first few weeks, but after that…I still didn’t meet any of his friends. I’m a social person and social interactions are part and parcel of my makeup. I cannot imagine spending weeks sequestered in my house, just venturing out for food and work. Yet that was what he did.
That Christmas (3 month mark), I took the plunge and brought him to my place to meet my sisters and friends at a holiday party. It was then I realised that he was an antisocial being. My friends are super cool, and my sisters very friendly, yet they couldn’t get him to interact with them. We didn’t even spend an hour at the party, and he insisted we leave soon after we got there. Needless to say, the relationship didn’t last.
If your man hasn’t introduced you to any of your friends and you are past the honeymoon stage, I would say that in itself is a red flag. Even if it’s a long distance relationship, you should have had some sort on interaction with a buddy of his. If he just moved to the city, and all his friends live in Idaho, he still has acquaintances and co-workers to introduce you to. Remember no man is an island.
There is a theory that men tend to compartmentalise their lives better than us women as they segregate all their interactions to keep them separate. We ladies on the other hand, kind of let everything and everyone run together in one gloriously, emotional cauldron. However, if a man is so compartmentalised that you haven’t seen hide nor hair of his co-workers, soccer mates, drinking buddies, frat brothers or male relatives then something is wrong.
Could it be that you are his guilty little secret? Or even worse, so insignificant that he doesn’t even mention you to any of his mates? Could it be that your guy has no male friends, or he is afraid to introduce you to them? Perhaps, it is (with one of my dates), all his friends are convicts or unpresentable to your fabulous self. Or he is scared of your reaction when you meet his friends. It could be a multitude of reasons, but at the core, he doesn’t want you to meet his mates.
If he likes you, he will mention you to his friends. If he talks about you enough, their interest will be piqued and they will want to meet you. Meeting his friends should be a stepping stone that you have to cross before you can even consider that your relationship is really meant to last.
Bear in mind that when you do meet his friends, you have got to be cordial and friendly. Don’t become the ice queen on them. Remember, your friends do have an impact on your relationships, and his will as well. So be nice.
If you are the shy sort (as I was in my former life), let your man know. Have him introduce you to his friends in bits and pieces, and not all en masse. This will increase your comfort level and give you a point of reference knowing other people at the event when you meet up with more of his friends.
Nowadays, guys might have some female friends as well. Don’t jump the gun and automatically assume that they have had some sort of intimate relationship gone awry. That may be the case; however, if you accuse your guy of sleeping with one of his female friends without evidence, you will just end up looking like the jealous girlfriend.
Sometimes, like I said in my Last Guide, you might not like his friends, or vice versa. You still have to respect them and play nice. If you absolutely can’t stand them for one reason or another, bow out of events politely. Don’t trash his buds in front of him…it’s OK for him to gripe about them, but you might be crossing a boundary and it might set your relationship up for more discord.
So when should you meet his friends? As soon as possible. As soon as you both emerge from your ‘new relationship honeymoon’, let the introductions begin.
Vixen is Deputy Editor for Baggage Reclaim. Visit her blog Bad Girls Guide