Reader Question: What does an emotionally unavailable man do when a relationship ends?
A Chicago reader asks: “I am wondering how the emotionally unavailable man is after a relationship, how he talks to himself, or if he’s happy, etc. Not for HIM, but just to make myself feel better.”
Interesting question. I’d ask why do you care but we all do what we need to do in order to get by. If you want me to tell you that he’s sitting at home pining for you, wondering what you’re doing, analysing your relationship history, blaming himself, checking his phone messages, or obsessing about you, you’re about to be sorely disappointed. To assume that he is losing his mind over the ‘loss’ of you is to assume that you’re with a normal, connected man.
For a start, Mr Unavailable doesn’t like endings and in actual fact, depending on how your relationship history has played out, is likely to disrespect the ‘ending’ or any boundaries that you have put forth.So, you say “I don’t ever want to see your bloody face again or hear from you. I want you to leave me alone and stop calling me” will translate to “She says that but I know if I give it a day/week/fortnight/month/ etc that she’ll be desperate to hear from me. She’s just mad because I won’t give her what she wants but she needs to accept that this is all I can give and go with the flow.”
The likelihood is that Mr Unavailable will believe that he has lost you or is in serious danger of losing you when:
1) A greater period of time has passed than your previous break-up/break.
2) You’ve got really medieval on his ass and something makes him believe that it may be different this time.
With the former, it will appear that he has accepted it until that supposed in-built radar has him creepy creeping round you just when you’ve started to move on.
With the latter, he’ll badger the crap out of you for attention and affirmation that you still give a monkey’s about him, make promises he can’t keep, and then disappoint the crap out of you and revert to previous behaviours anyway.
When a relationship with Mr Unavailable ends he tends to:
1) Pretend that it’s not over and in his mind he’s giving you space to come around to his way of thinking.
2) Look for a new ego stroke.
3) Ignore you till YOU start chasing him.
4) Starts the ‘let’s be friends’ BS so that he can worm his way back into his life.
5) Calls up the previous Fallback Girl (you know there’s always more than one).
6) Bury himself in work or the lads because he didn’t need the deadweight of a relationship anyway.
7) Blame you.
How does he talk to himself? Who knows and who cares? The reality is that someone who is very disconnected from their own behaviour isn’t exactly going to turn around and take stock of their lives. He’ll blame you, his ex, his mother, the cat, the dog, his kids, the tree at the back of the garden but unless he’s having some longstanding bouts of clarity, any glimmers into the real him will be shortlived. So he may think tonight “Ah…Michael, you’ve been a bit of a prick in this relationship. She deserved better” but by tomorrow morning, he’s thinking “Michael, you’re better off without her. She wanted too much from you. She was too flipping needy and you don’t need that. You’ve done nothing wrong and to be fair, this was never supposed to be a long term thing.”
Is he happy? In some respects yes, and in many other respects no. That’s like me asking women who habitually engage with Mr Unavailable’s (Fallback Girls) whether they’re happy. Something not too great is going on within to be emotionally unavailable in the first place. He’ll be happy that he has no-one expecting too much of him. He’ll be happy to have you off his back. He’ll be happy to be a bachelor again. But is he happy? He’s disconnected emotionally so happiness, true happiness is a long way off for him.
But as always, what I would stress is that to care what the frick this man is doing is to care too much. Whatever brain power he does expend on his relationship with you, the reality is that it will be a miniscule fraction of the brain power you’re expending. Your ability to move on and be happy has to be separate from him. It can’t be based on the scale of his misery because this is like trying to extract some sort of emotional validation or payment after the demise of the relationship and the reality is that you’ll be in for a long wait if you’re relying on him to give you some misery coins. You would do better to focus on yourself and deal with your own issues of why you were with him - you’ll get far more reward for your efforts.
If you’ve been struggling with emotional unavailability, check out my new ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
Loving Annie August 28th, 2008, 2:05 am
Because HE had a different relationship with you in his mind that YOU had with him in YOUR mind, he pretty much chalks it off and moves on.
He doesn’t dwell, feel remorseful, guilty, analyze his behavior or yours, or look at his actions/take responsibility for them and decide he will change HIS part of what went wrong so that his next realtionship will be healthier.
He is still the same person that played games, lied, cheated, manipulated, blew hot and cold, abandoned you without a word, did the yo-yo thing with your heart, begged for time and left you hanging for months waiting, broke promises, whatever…
So, he is done. Much like finishing a meal. Maybe good while it lasted, maybe bad. Burp. Now time to watch sports on tv, or go hang out with the guys, or wow did you see that hot chick walk by ?
He has the attention span of a flea for YOUR angst. In fact, less than that.
He will think about what HE has going on in his life - his job, his kids (if he has them), his hobbies, his car maintenance. Whatever isn’t very emotional or requiring any deep reflection. Unless it’s self-pity.
So the guy rationalizes whatever didn’t work as your fault because it’s his easiest escape exit. And then goes in pursuit of the next woman who doens’t know anything about him and will be vulnerable to his b.s., and games because she doesn’t know the pattern of his behavior.
Taking responsibility and making changes aren’t in a EUM’s modis operandii. How he treats the next woman is how he treated the woman before you, regardless of the sad sack, one-sided, b.s. story you were told.. And how he treated you too.
He moves on. Now it’s your turn. Becasue any time spent grieivng over him, wishing it could be different, hating all men, being in a rage - all of it is keeping you stuck, still spending time thinking about him — when now is the time that could be spent instead by you doing things for you.
That hour or week or month you spent brooding or crying or furious about the injustice of it all ? That’s a chunk of your life that you can’t get back that you could have spent being happy.
So go - be busy, find a hobby you love and immerse yourself in it, spend time with your friends or make some new ones, really shine at wotk, pamper yourself in all the little ways you can think of that you like, manicure, pedicure, rock concert, maybe a vacation somewhere you’ve always wanted to go and visit and explore - focus on you.
You are what matters. Avoid thinking about him - it’s just a distraction from looking inside at your own stuff. Practice what you preach. Look inside and do the work you need to do on learning to have healthy boundaries and self esteem.
Learn to love and believe in you own sefl and self-worth so that you don’t care what a guy who made you cry more than once thinks about you.
Traci August 28th, 2008, 2:22 am
He’s thinking “Dang, that was messed up of her…hmmm… I think Spaghetti-O’s for dinner sounds good.” :/ He’s kinda peeved but not enough to deny himself of some canned processed food for supper. LOL.
Kat August 28th, 2008, 2:42 am
I can tell you what mine did, because as expected they creeped back around, when A) The next woman made an ass out of them and they needed sympathy. B) Needed money or some other stupid favor. C) They were bored and had no prospects and just want to see what I was up to and if they can interrupt me. I even have one that still calls 15 years and a wife later to tell me how I was his first choice and if he wasn’t with his wife now he would try to get me back…I feel sorry for his wife. His calls now go straight to voice mail. Some have expressed guilt and remorse when earlier on I took the calls, but hey I am over it and them so it didn’t much make a difference. I no longer take the calls and feel no guilt about it, it’s only fair, most of them wouldn’t take my calls way back when, even when they offered friendship as a consolation…but it wasn’t for real.
My attempt to make peace or bury the hatchet went to voice mail. So why take the time to bother now? It’s ancient history, I harbor no ill will just indifference. Some will feel remorse, but in my observation it’s only realized after it’s been done to them and that soul searching that comes out of what have I done to deserve this treatment, bears the guilt of all the wrongs one has done in past relationships to others, then to try to even out the bad karma, they try to do the right thing, most of the time it’s too little to late. Time is the great equalizer. Best not to spend your time wondering, by the time you get an apology… if ever…. you probably won’t care.
Tulipa August 28th, 2008, 10:53 am
Whats the point of an apology from an EUM I got one but I felt it came after I smacked his head against a wall to make him see how his actions had hurt me.
Honestly it isn’t worth trying to get one. He also says he has read my letter to him quite a lot I said I haven’t really read yours its just a letter full of excuses for poor behaviour.
Cynnie August 28th, 2008, 2:56 pm
What is the EUM thinking after the break up? He’s thinking
“I really have to reupholster my car seats. That girl was good fun but too needy. Hmmm. I’ll call her in a few weeks and see how she doing, and if I’m lucky, I’ll score some pu$*y and maybe even some money to pay for my car seats.”
The point I’m making here is that EUM’s don’t care. They didn’t care when they were with you and care even less now that you’re gone. Sad, but true. And if you’ve been in a pattern of “breaking” up and then getting back with him, he knows that you’ll eventually be back and that perhaps this time, you’ll come around to his way of thinking.
When I gave my EUM his walking papers I used to wonder what he was doing and if he missed me. I wanted him to SUFFER and used to pray that his heart would be stomped to bits like he did me. Then I realised that I had to stop. I’d given that dude my time, my affections, my love and gifts while he were “together” and it was a TOTAL waste. NO way after we were through was he goingto get ANYTHING else from me - not even a thought.
FinallyOverIt August 28th, 2008, 4:43 pm
Agreed, EUMs don’t care about us, they only care about themselves. We shouldn’t spend any time wanting our EUMs to suffer or seek revenge upon them, because karma will do it’s work in their lives. They will spend their lives going from one empty “relationship” to another and will never be able to love or care for another person. I find that very sad, and I think most of them will grow old alone. We need to remind ourselves that THEY are the ones losing out and not us, because we will eventually find happiness, either with someone else, or by loving ourselves and finding it from within.
ly August 28th, 2008, 6:01 pm
The weird thing is that I think these guys do care when we decide to leave and focus on ourselves. That means they have to find another poor soul upon which to project all their fears and insecurities and blame. And that takes time, energy, money, proper grooming and manners (at least to draw the new woman in - then they let themselves go pretty quickly, don’t they- ha!)…that’s simply too much work for an EUM!
I haven’t spoken to my EUM in almost a month, after he found out I have begun dating other guys. He immediately became more kind and attentive to me (like it was in the beginning) and told me he is now ready for a relationship (after a year of back and forth because he wasn’t over his ex but didn’t want to lose me). This, after he told me 4 months ago that he is irreparably “broken” and is not capable of being in a committed relationship or raising children, etc. And that I should find someone that I can “have a future with”. And so…with heavy heart…I did move on.
And guess what? I still feel like it’s my fault. I feel like I wanted something more for so long and now that he’s ready, I’m rejecting it. But that’s *his* version. That’s *his* story and his manipulative tactics getting into my head.
How has my EUM responded after I’ve moved on? He chalks it up to “bad timing”. He blames me, too. He revises history and distorts reality, saying I wasn’t over my ex, either (not true). He focuses on my faults and uses that as a reason for why this relationship isn’t materializing.
He blames everyone but himself…he thinks to himself, “Hey, I tried. But now she doesn’t want it. She hounded me for a year and now she’s screwing some other guy. Bitches, eh? They’re all the same…Hmm, what’s for dinner?”
Stacy August 28th, 2008, 6:25 pm
” because karma will do it’s work in their lives. They will spend their lives going from one empty “relationship” to another and will never be able to love or care for another person.”
I’ve been pondering this. What about those EUMs that insist they ARE happy? My ex is so emotionally flat-lined that his emotional states seem to hover between “pleasantly occupied” (positive emotion) and “mildly concerned” (negative emotion) - no matter what is happening in his life, including his ex-wife moving his daughter 500 miles away, and his career coming to a near-standstill for lack of funding. *I* am convinced he doesn’t experience deep happiness, just as he doesn’t let himself experience deep pain, and I personally doubt that he can love or care for others. Yet HE would say he’s happy. In that sense, it’s not clear to me how karma is going to do its work in his life…
FinallyOverIt August 28th, 2008, 6:45 pm
Stacy, everyone is different regarding how their brains work, and not any one person can fit into any one “mold.” I don’t wish ill will upon anyone; my point was that people that are emotionally distant miss out on true human connections, and I believe that is a heavy burden for them to bear whether they ever acknowledge it or not. I guess there are no real answers, but I still think for all of us here on this website who struggle with EUMs, the bottom line is to not spend precious time thinking about and analyzing our EUMs and their behavior because doing that still makes us their emotional prisoner….
Liz Scott August 28th, 2008, 8:30 pm
Great article and great feed-back comments from everyone too. It all sounded very familiar based on my most recent experience with an EUM that I ended all contact with three months ago. He ran right back to one of his fall-back girls and STILL tried to weasel his way back into my life.
It was terribly insulting to receive e-mails and calls from him telling me how much he loved me, missed me, and thought about me everyday when I knew for a fact that he was sleeping with her again (she lived in my neighborhood). I finally had to call the police on him when he showed up at a friend’s house I was staying at to avoid him showing up at my door once again.
I hated having to go to such an extreme, but I did not know what else to do to get him to leave me alone. He just could not believe that I did not want to have anything else to do with him anymore - he would just rewrite events in his head to suit his needs - even though I very plainly told him I wanted nothing to do with him ever again.
I feel most sorry for the fall-back girl he ran back to use again. She had been his girlfriend before me and he had said some rather unkind things about her during our relationship which is one of the red flags that made me realize he needed to go. After I got rid of him, he used her for all of his logistical and ego support until he moved away from the area. And now I’m sure after raising her hopes again and then leaving - she is hurting - especially after being used twice.
Now, I have no doubt that wherever he has gone he is calling on one of his other fallback girls or working on a new target to start the cycle all over again. This is the only thing that really still bothers me - that he will continue to do the same thing over and over to other women.
I’m glad this forum exists to warn women about these boomerang EUM who selfishly use women - who always take, but rarely, if ever, give anything back in a relationship.
Blaise Parker August 28th, 2008, 9:04 pm
This question was a cloaked and in denial version of “Will he change?”
That is what I believe the questioner really wanted to know, basically: “He treated me so badly that I want to know if he is suffering under the weight of that fact and will realize his foibles, crawl back to me with a dozen roses and become a changed man.”
The questioner has more healing to do.
Kim2 August 28th, 2008, 10:35 pm
They don’t do anything. They just find another woman to stroke their ego. They don’t think about what went wrong with you or think about what they are missing because they don’t care about anyone but themselves. Once I realized this I felt so much better and was able to stop blaming myself for not being the woman of his dreams. No woman will ever be the perfect woman for an EUM. All women are the same and interchangeable.
abril August 28th, 2008, 11:15 pm
My MM was my childhood sweetheart. He broke my heart a number of times even back then (stood me up for my senior prom). Would go long periods ..weeks, maybe months, without calling, or even speaking much to me. But when we were together I thought it was magic. I was incredibly naive and so so dumb.
When he contacted me after 40 years I felt my heart skip that ol’ familiar beat. We had a brief, long distance affair where we met a few times, always in a sleezy hotel for a couple of hours of incredible sex. He thinks he’s god’s gift to women (sexually) Now he’s moved on to someone else, if he’s even still with her. BUT he still wants to see me, just for sex, to keep me ”fulfilled”. I almost get nauseated by the fact that I fell for all this. I thought he really cared, that he finally really did realize he loved me. (he told me he did) The whole idea of emotionally being involved as well as physically involved seems waaay to difficult for him to understand. He can’t grasp that I absolutely can not have one with out the other.
He tells me I should ”wake up” (my husband has never been very interested in sex and now, at age 60 is impotent–which suits him fine) and be more adventurous.
HOW can I, even after all this, comtemplate being ”friends” with this guy? Which is what he claims to be, a friend that is. He says he has to stay married for another year or so for financial reasons, then he’s getting a divorce. BUT at NO time has he mentioned ”us” being together. Actually, I don’t really believe he’ll ever leave his wife. I am trying very hard to leave this incredible pain and sick relationship behind. I appreciate this site so much and your words and wisdom have helped so much.
wendy levy August 29th, 2008, 12:44 am
My EUM agreed to my request for “closure” about two months after the relationship ended. Closure for him consisted of his telling me he never really loved me and that he was perfectly fine and happy without me, that he didn’t miss me and as a matter of fact, felt absolutely nothing towards me.
He seriously told me this.
It was so shocking for me to hear this from someone who I was in an 18 month kinda sorta living together situation that I actually was able to begin to truly get over him. I know he meant every word he said. I now see that throughout our relationship, he only cared about his needs and his life. He was over me immediately because he never really cared about me and probably doesn’t know how to actually care about anyone.
He went right back to his routine of working out, work, golf, hanging with his mom and doing his laundry at mom’s…. without ever a thought for me.
Interestingly the breakup occurred right after my mom died, like the next week. He told me I had too many problems , needed help and left me. I threw his clothes on his driveway and drove over them. He honestly expected me to just go on making his lunches, cooking him dinner, and engaging in lousy sex with him, as if my mom hadn’t died. And to make it even worse, my dog had died the month before my mom died.
Can you imagine a bigger loser! I still think about him but mainly in the context of trying to understand why in the world I put up with such a bad relationship for as long as I did, and why I suffered so badly in the breakup.
Lucky for me, I’m now with a very emotionally available man and its great. Thanks so much to Natalie’s support and this site.
Tulipa August 31st, 2008, 3:27 am
I went and revisited my situation after 55 days of not seeing him. In 55 days his world had not stopped he was not sitting around remorseful for his actions nor indeed did he count the days between contact (he thought he’d communicated a lot in those 55 days) NOT. His only words that I’d even crossed his mind was I miss our time together especially when in bed. It makes it easier for me to cope with and if I find myself being wishful I remind myself hes out his life is continuing with or without you he doesn’t care. In fact if Im completely truthful he is waiting for me to end it what a relief to him that would be and soon it will be so.
Wendy, Im happy you found an emotionally available man and are happy what an horrific way for someone to treat you after what you’d been through.
Isabel August 31st, 2008, 8:47 pm
You asked the same question it’s been on my mind since EUM got married 4 months ago with a woman he assured me was his ex and a friend.
Four hours before his wedding, he got *the nerve* to email me to tell me I was still on his mind and before that, he told some people he was pressured into this marriage.
He wrote to me a couple of times without any answer from me. Since he hasn’t been able to turn me into TOW (again!), he got himself another ego stroker: a woman that sits *next* to me.
Now he is telling her *the same* BS he used to tell me at the beginning while covering her with attention. I stop getting into the cafeteria because they both have lunch there everyday. Last week I told myself “Why am I making myself scarce so he can be with his new ego stroker?”. So, I went to the cafeteria.
Two ours later I was eating anti acid pills like candies, while the happy comments and laughs he had with her were still on my head.
So, I’m the living proof NML and all the women above are right. While I’m here wishing he would pay for his deceiving behavior and lack of conscience, he already moved on with his pristine image of a committed married man at home, and caring friend at work.
ivyowl September 2nd, 2008, 8:28 pm
I dont think this is the right place to make this comment. But I don’t know where to make it so…here is as good as any.
For a brief moment in time I had a fantasy of my ex and I running into each other at a party. It will have been long over with Valerie by then and he is again on the hunt. I am drop dead beautiful and with someone that kicks his butt. He knows not to hit on me. He knows it is over forever. He sees me and feels deep remorse and regret and expresses it to me . He made a mistake.
Then I reallized that if this did happen it would mean nothing to me. So what if he saw me looking beautiful and so henceforth he wants to do me? He wanted to do me before. Maybe he wants to do everyone. So what? So what he feels regret he can no longer do me. He can find someone else to do. He will too.
The night he broke up with me, I made him promise not to do to any other women what he did to me. I told him “for me, please make sure the girl is into casual sex before you go after her” I made him promise…for me. And he did make that promise to me.
My fantasy is that he actually stops. My fantasy is that my pain effects him so much, he will not want to do it to another human being .
See if I am the last girl …then the pain might have had a purpose.
But maybe it is just a fantasy. Maybe I am just but a speck of dust and what I go though doesn’t matter to anyone or anything. Maybe nothing I do or say will make the world a tiny bit better.
Maybe I just can’t give lust a heart like that.
What is really sad is we shouldn’t have to wish heaps of pain on them. Seeing us cry should be enough to make them stop. They should feel remorse over their actions instead of doing it again and again.
annied September 4th, 2008, 9:42 pm
Wendy … I believe that he was totally lying to you when he said those horrible heartless things. No way. That is his way of keeping all the “power” - another way to crush you. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I am on day 17 of NC (again) with my ex–EUM. This article came at a much needed time for me. He isn’t hovering yet. I believe that he will wait until enough time has gone by to see if I’m “over it” - over the horrible things he said to me the last time we spoke.
I will never be over it. But he has pushed me to the limit and I am getting over him. This time I actually WANT to. He is just plain mean. There is no nobility to suffering. I’ve suffered enough.
Thanks for a great article! (again)
wendy levy September 5th, 2008, 12:49 am
Dear Annied,
My EUM was just plain mean too. It was about two weeks after getting home from a 3 week trip abroad when he told me he wasn’t “head over heels in love with me”. Now most women with a healthy sense of self esteem would have walked away, but not me. I said, ok, lets live together. Which we kinda sorta did. Until my mom died. Since he had never listened me to and was never there for me in any real sense of the word, of course the relationship ended then. I didn’t mention that sex with this man was despicable. When I told him in the very kindest considerate of ways that not touching me at all and just sticking it in didn’t do it for me, he made me feel guilty until I apologized!
I know how you feel that you will never be over it. I felt that way too. But amazingly enough, I am over it. I seriously felt I never would be. You just have to give yourself time to read everything that Natalie writes, journal, and wait. I am in a relationship with a man who is emotionally available and everything the past guy wasn’t. But I struggled with it. I missed the drama, the lack of “excitement” or whatever it is. But emotionally available man is SO worth it.
Take much care of yourself. It sucks. I know.
Wendy
Keri September 5th, 2008, 9:52 pm
I just want to thank you SO MUCH for having this resource available.. I just stumbled upon this page today.. have been going thru what I call “The Crazy Zone” pining and feeling sad and missing my ex who.. in the TWO years we dated.. NEVER ONCE said anything loving or nice (besides I love you which becomes watered down when that’s the only thing he knew how to say) he never called me beautiful or told me he was grateful for being in his life… dealing with his hypochondria… or his extreme pessimism at EVERYTHING.. when I am inately a positive person! Last time I was going to break up with him I told him therapy was the only way.. he said sure.. he wants to fix things.. and then once I found a therapist and went once.. he told me he felt like i was pushing him and never went… thank goodness i couldn’t stand feeling lonely any more and ended things.. and I was FINE.. two months later something hit me and I “relapsed” back to missing him and thinking I wanted to be with him.. WHY? Because I got the part of the relationship i deserved? NO! Anyway.. I want to thank you.. SO MUCH… I dont’ feel so crazy anymore.. *trust me.. i’ve been feeling a bit nuts lately…
and this really helped.. thank you!!!
audrey September 8th, 2008, 3:08 pm
i have a dare I say EUM in my life. years it. back and forth. the worst was recently when I started to pull away and din’t take his calls. so i got a ton of missed called from him. 6 texts. turns out he got a dog and wanted me to help him with her. he wanted me to stay over and then watch her a few days a week ( assuming i can work from home, which i can’t…) so to make a long story short. he asked me to come by and i couldnt’ and he was liek well where were you where do you go. then he said oh no problem i have FRIEND who is unemployed and she can walk my dog. I said why didn’t you call her in the first place. he said “i wanted you.” But then he said well she can do all day and you can ony do sometimes. then he said, why didn’t you come by last night. i got upset, yelled, and said “i didn’t want to come by because i didn’t want you to tell me no because you were some other girl” (ie. this dog walker!) and then he got so MAD at me. hung up on me. then played games with mistexts and got my attention again then he tells me it takes him a long time to get over this. But what did i do? now i feel as if it is all my fault. so then he turns it around and asks me to come by (during the day)_ i tried but i couldn’t leave because i was at work. BOOM> he sends a text “oh i thought you were coming by…” then i sent “i wanted to” he sends back “oh i thought i was texting my eletronics guy. Sorry for confusion” Can you believe this. then he texts again. Oh no problem. all good back and forth. i sent him an email Apologizing. I am always apologizing to him and bam he sends this “can’t think about this right now. should have been straightforward but it never was. too much of a pain.” THIS dude chased me all over and now it is my fault… i am a bit down and don’t know what to say to him. any help.. i have never had this in my life.
sharmuta (not anymore) September 8th, 2008, 6:52 pm
Who sends a text to their electronics guy? Sweetie, if he had to come up with a lie like that he was likely trying to send that text to another woman, or he’s just playing weird communication games with you. This man is so disrespectful… he tries to make you feel guilty when you don’t put your life on hold to take care of his needs right when he wants you to. And then he lets you know that there is another woman (friend? More?) in his life who can fill your shoes if you don’t drop everything your doing to take care of him. Instead of trying to understand what you are feeling when something he does upsets you (telling you about how the other woman can take care of the dog for him), he tries to twist things around so that everything is 100% YOUR fault. So he hurts your feelings, you show that you are upset, he gets MAD at you for being upset because he doesn’t like looking like the bad guy, then he tries to put the guilt on you for doing something to make him mad (even though all you did was to express your emotions), and suddenly YOU’RE the one apologizing to the man who was inconsiderate to YOU. Pretty messed up, huh? I say, start by trying to improve communication between the two of you. Maybe you could get a counselor to help the two of you understand these patterns. If not, ditch this guy and move on to a man who either doesn’t hurt your feelings, or if he ever does, has the balls to say, “Oh…I thought that my actions would make you feel (this) way, but I can see now why that upset you. I’m sorry! Here’s how I’m going to make it up to you…”
annied September 8th, 2008, 9:01 pm
Day 21 of NC with my ex-EUM and I miss him! How pathetic is that?
I do not understand the disconnect between my brain and my heart. Intelligently, I know this man is NOT good for me. He is staying away, like he is supposed to and I am ticked that he is not coming around.
It is insanity!
Keri September 8th, 2008, 9:08 pm
Dear Annied..
TRUST ME…. I’m sure a lot of us reading/writing comments understands EXACTLY what your saying.. I do… It’s been only a week and I’m wondering if I can do it..
It’s like the RATIONAL side of you is the one that ended things…. knows that hes not what you are needing.. and now.. the IRRATIONAL side of you has BOUND AND GAGGED the RATIONAL SIDE in a closet somewhere.. and is saying to the Rational side. “I’m going to fix what YOU did!” .. the Rational side is saying.. “NO!!! YOU KNOW HES NOT GOOD FOR YOU!!!! ” but yet the Irrational side says “I DON’T CARE.. I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT HIM…”
In truth.. I think it’s the irrational side that is what needs a good cleaning/diving into.. WHY you feel that way.. the insanity.. Probably from feeling like you don’t deserve to be loved/get what you REALLY want..
Suggestion: Good Book called “It’s called a Breakup because It’s broken” and seriously find a therapist.. just to get “the crazies” off your chest.. I am so grateful to mine!
And.. KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE.. THERE ARE MANY OF US OUT THERE IN THE SAME EXACT POSITION!!!
yea..
Amy September 9th, 2008, 1:36 am
Hey - a lot of you talk about having a therapist, and I’d LOVE to have one, but here in the USA, we don’t have free health care, and even though I have insurance, it doesn’t cover much, so I was wondering, does anyone have any resources for free or VERY low cost therapy?
Amy T. September 9th, 2008, 1:41 am
Oh - and just to offer a bit of encouragement to annied, I know exactly how you feel. I started NC, and it was easy because he wasn’t contacting me! But eventually, he did, and I was able to deal with it. Actually, he just tried to contact me again today - tried to friend me on Facebook for the THIRD time…he still hasn’t sent me a message or called me outright, he just does these little passive-aggressive things, hoping I’ll give in. Don’t give up girl! Look at it this way - he’s obviously not worth it because he doesn’t care. Harsh, but, sadly, true. But don’t let that get you down - there are PLENTY of people who care about you, even right here on this site!
(I forgot to sign my last comment “Amy T.”…oops ;). )
annied September 9th, 2008, 8:17 pm
Thanks Keri and Amy.
He doesn’t care and that is what hurts the most - because I honestly thought that he did (in his own way). I almost broke NC today - it is our “2 year anniversary” - and then I thought - Oh, he’d love it. He would LOVE for me to say something, anything … just so he could say “oh, so sorry. this is over and you need to leave me alone.”
Then I would look like the needy, wimpy girl who couldn’t keep her hands off the pile of crap that he is! I want my dignity back! i am in need of inexpensive counseling myself. I can’t afford my old therapist anymore. Plus, i was getting nowhere, talking about my past! I need to get over NOW first …
sigh
Alika September 9th, 2008, 9:11 pm
Dear girls,
Its so nice to have you here!!! Thank you to our Natalie…
I think time is the best doctor! I was without my EUM for two months, I just switched off my mobile phone and bought a new card…I just disappeared from the world:-), took a holiday…
I decided to switch on today …My EUM called me few times, and eventually, I reply…he wants to meet up, acting like nothing happened…I dont know what to do?
SuzieQ September 9th, 2008, 9:37 pm
Amy T. - social workers aren’t as expensive as phyciatrists and are just as helpful. I was seeing one for a while and she was great. Also, my work has what is called an EAP - employee assistance program and they will refer you to a social worker for a limited amount of times for free. Sometimes all you need is a few sessions just to get you out of a crisis.
Cynnie September 10th, 2008, 1:13 pm
Annied:
I know what you mean about the disconnect between how you feel and what you know to be sensible. It was quite a struggle for me until I focused on all the truly good things that my EUM (ex) did for me.
Of course, I drew a blank. All that came up was what I did for him, the little surprises and the sacrifices. So that has made it easier. I only think of what “good” he has done. Before, I used to study the horrible things he did and I would feel so angry that I could kick myself. But by studying the “good,” I get to see him for what he truly is rather than looking at the bad and picking it to pieces and wondering what I did wrong and how to “fix it.”. By looking at the so called good, I realised that it never existed except for a great shag. Hope this makes sense.
Alika:
I don’t know what your story is, but my experience with my EUM (ex) was that he made a lot of noise and NEVER delivered. Of course it was not his fault that he didn’t call, take me out, discuss the “relationship” or keep his promises. After all, he was (pick as many as you like) busy, tired, sick, broke, sad, upset, had a family emergency, car battery died, forgot mobile in car, had to work late, at the barber, waiting on the cable guy to show up, working on his car…..
If your man has consistenly disappointed you in the past in spite of repeated “talks” and promises to change, I don’t think that he’s any different now.
Of course, if you’re like me, you’ll want to give him “the benefit of the doubt” and swear to yourself and anyone who will listen that “if he messes up this time that you’re done for good.”
I quit with my EUM and was actually starting to heal when he called me after a month. If he called he must like me then, right? Maybe he was actually sorry and wanted to work things out. Long story short, that was one of the biggest miskates that I have ever made. He was decent for about a week then he slipped back into his old routine of standing me up, going for days without contacting me and of course, offering no apology (after all, I should “understand.”)
You pressed the stop button on that merry-go-round. Do you really want to start it again?
Tulipa September 10th, 2008, 1:16 pm
I don’t know about in the uk or the usa but I found a free counselling service in Australia. They have community houses here in Australia or otherwise known as Neighbourhood houses they run all kinds of programs ans courses and it was through them I found free counselling because I couldn’t afford it either. Doctors also can give a referal to a psychologist and you can claim a rebate. The doctor may be a good source of information.
I understand so much little miss rational who knows the truth and knows no contact is the way to go versus little miss irrational who doesn’t want to face this truth and just wants a fix of mr eum… it is like insanity…… im driving myself crazy with the wrong thoughts I just want my head to switch off….
Keep going annied … good luck
Alika September 10th, 2008, 4:36 pm
Cynnie,
Thank you very much for your advice~ You know, I realized that I dont really want him that much as I used to:-( probably time passed and I finally moved on…
AmyT September 10th, 2008, 5:33 pm
Thanks SuzieQ and Tulipa for the advice on therapy - I will look into your suggestions!
I think I really might need it because even though I don’t feel the need (most of the time) to contact him, I can’t seem to stop thinking of him. I’m actually currently unemployed, so that makes it tougher and adds to my depression. I’ll make it - I always have before!
Stay strong, ladies!
wendy levy September 10th, 2008, 6:04 pm
Hi AmyT, ladies,
I am just wondering if you’ve read most of Natalie’s books and posts on the EUM. I have to tell you that I did do some expensive therapy after my horrible breakup with my EUM last winter. My breakup was so dreadful, and I was seriously obsessing over him. I spent every waking moment thinking about him- we had been together close to two years. He is the one who dumped me after my mom died saying I had too many problems. actually, I was just dealing with grief, but now I see that he was incapable of offering compassion or understanding to me, since those are not emotions he can access. Our relationship was only good when I was giving, giving, giving, and he could take, take, take. Very much what Cynnie writes about in an earlier post. Mine could not give at all, so when I actually “needed” him to step up to the plate and be there for me, of course, we had to break up.
In any event, Natalie helped me more than any therapist did. Her book and her posts really helped me comprehend the man who broke my heart. Even though I still find myself thinking about him, its not because I actually miss him.
I think about him because there are aspects of the relationship I miss. Such as the drama. So then I re-read Natalie’s posts on the Drama Queen stuff which I so relate to and see myself in so strongly. There is some unhealthy programming in me that thinks drama is part of a good relationship, even though I now know that to be untrue.
I am just hoping you have downloaded her books on the Fallback Girl and EUM and read them like they are the bible. I still do, and its been 5 months since I’ve had any contact with my ex.
And gosh, these boards help SO MUCH.
I am in a relationship with an emotionally available man and I cannot tell you how hard it is for me. My mind says the relationship isn’t good, why? Because the chemistry isnt really there, I don’t feel that passion, that intensity, he isn’t my type….. but he is intelligent, available, wants to help, wants to be supportive, doesn’t want to change me, is nurturing…… so I keep telling myself, my idea of a good relationship has been being with an EUM which is based on my family history and I have to get over it. And I re-read Natalie’s posts……
Take much care!!!! Wendy
keri September 10th, 2008, 6:21 pm
Thanks Wendy.. Your post has helped a lot!!! This whole trip is so funny because one minute I’m FINE.. I’m feeling good (I’m actually with someone else in an emotionally available relationship already… (and the SAME thing you wrote.. feeling like something is wrong.. not comfortable.. which TOTALLY makes sense) and the next minute I’m on the EDGE of calling/texting/emailing my EUM… (on week 1 of NC even though I couldn’t continue being lonely and feeling I gave everything and got nothing and ended things in May) such a crazy feeling to be in… back and forth… and never knowing what will trigger you to go to the unsafe side…Funny thing is… when i visualize pleading with him for answers.. I still KNOW in my rational and irrational mind that I still will not get the answer I am looking for… pining for.. this is emotionally SO draining… I will definitely download the book now… and read every word… I”m sure it’ s the same thing with me.. the drama… anyway thanks.
wendy levy September 10th, 2008, 11:49 pm
hi Keri,
I was re-reading what you wrote earlier. My ex- EUM was very much like yours. He would only say I love you to me after sex, or when I kind of forced him to say it. He never ever let me know that I enhanced his life, that I was someone worth coming home to, that things were easier and better because of me. To the contrary. He would tell me how much he enjoyed his guy time, and how much he “cherished” his alone time. He never used that word cherish in regards to me. The day after we broke up he told me he was “fine” without me, and told me that a month later when we had a really crappy talk. He said he never missed me after our separation, despite the fact we had been living together, kind of. I never got anything from him. Just those crumbs. I lost money, self esteem, time, and the sex sucked. He would spend time with me by watching TV and reading and going to sleep. I cooked for him, did his clothes, made lunches, spent quality time with his kids, I did everything I could to make him see I was someone he should value in his life. But after all the energy I expended trying to do that, nothing came of it. Except massive heartache, for me. And I still think of him!!!! Why do I still think of this loser?????????? He seemed so in control, so collected. He was, he was shut down and not in touch with any emotion at all.
My new guy, is so hard for me to be with because he just wants to please me, all the time. He is constantly asking me, what can he do to make my day better. And because I’m still somewhat emotionally unavailable too, his chronic niceness is driving me insane. But I am trying really really hard to not push him away. Isn’t that crazy? Mr. Nice emotionally available guy isn’t attractive to me whereas my EUM was? and especially now because I know it was his very unavailability that attracted me. Thats insane.
Its so great we can come to these boards and help one another. Take care, Wendy
AmyT September 11th, 2008, 2:05 am
Thanks Wendy. The stuff you said about drama makes TOTAL sense - I’ve dumped guys because there was no “chemistry”, but really it was because there was no drama! I’m so addicted to it that I honestly wonder if I’ll ever be capable of having a “normal” relationship. I haven’t seen/spoken to my exEUM in almost 3 months, and I haven’t even tried to date because I know I’m not ready.
Cynnie September 12th, 2008, 1:10 pm
Alika: My EUM texted me proclaiming his life. Now it’s my turn NOT to press the start button. Wish me luck!
Cynnie September 12th, 2008, 1:14 pm
Oops! I meant to post that he texted me proclaiming his LOVE!
This is hard. I know what is the sensible thing to do (not respond) and that I should have no contact with this man. I just wish that I didn’t care.
I wish that I felt the same way about him that he did about me.
Anyway, I haven’t pressed the start button and I’m not responding to his text.
wendy levy September 12th, 2008, 4:27 pm
Cynnie, No!!!! Resist!!! Re-read your own posts about him. The words “I love you” mean nothing from men like this. He did nothing for you. He is just trying to draw you back in so he can go back to his normal manner of dealing with you. You know these men don’t change. Let us know how you are!! Be strong and keep your own well being foremost in your mind.
Wendy
Liz S September 12th, 2008, 6:14 pm
Stay Strong Cynnie! You will surely regret it if you start the vicious cycle all over again. I ALWAYS regretted responding to these sudden “love epiphanies” from EUM. These repeated epiphanies and declarations of love mean nothing; these men do not even understand love.
You must be the strong one. These men are so dysfunctional that they are compulsively unable to let women who give their life some semblance of normality go - even though they have nothing to offer you in return. And frankly, deep down they loathe themselves for this and then take it out on you. It is a truly twisted, no win situation.
The pain will only get worse and you will only beat yourself up more later for letting this EUM repeatedly draw you back into his self-centered, emotionally disabled world.
Please love and respect yourself. Take care of yourself and your needs first….maintain NC and let yourself heal.
Good luck!
Liz
Lynn September 17th, 2008, 10:44 am
Hi all, I absolutely love this site I cannot tell you how much it has helped me. I was in a relationship for 5 years and engaged to be married. My ex bf has a daughter who he had not seen or contacted for 18 yrs. He had mentioned to me a couple fo times that he would like to get in touch and as he had treated my daughter like his own I encouraged and supported him to do this even getting the tel number (which wasn’t hard as they had never moved or changed the number). He started seeing her every other Sat (he works away all week as as a heavy goods driver so I wasnt seeing him much) there was never any anger or retribution from either the daughter or the ex wife as to why he had never contacted her, he didn’t even know how old she was or when her birthday was. To cut a long story short I knew something wasn’t right in our relationship after he had started seeing his daughter, he never asked me to go along to these meetings and when ever I asked he’d say ‘I want to get to know her first’. The ex wife has never been in any other relationship since they split and has not had a job as she has always looked after her grandparents so they have never had a lot of money.There were a number of things happened that started my suspicions. I opened his mobile phone bill and looked at the first number he rang in a morning and the last number at night and where it should have been me it was this other mobile number. I rang this number just to find out if it was a woman and it was, I still had no idea that it was his ex wife , the calls were like 6.40am and then after 10pm I rang him and asked who it was and he admitted it was his ex wife and she had asked him to ring her to ‘talk about the daughter’. To cut to the chase I told him never to come back to this house and never contact me again. I got rid of every stich of clothing he owned, as he was at work at the time. I have had a couple of txts from him the first at 10.40pm asking when did I want him to pick his stuff up and when I told him he was 4 days too late as I had got rid of everyhting he asked if I was taking the P… I replied ‘not at all I don’t lie and decieve like you’ another time I accidently rang his number form my touch screen mobile as I was deleating photo file off my phone which he had sent I cut the call immediatly but it had connected and within 2 mins he was asking if I had tried ringing him, I couldn’t lie as my number will have shown up so I said ‘yes in error sorry’ he then said ‘thanks for taking stuff to my mums I have not been down as working away’ the stuff he is taking about is his personal papers birth cert etc everything was in a supermarket carrier bag, thats all he has to show he’s got nothing. I drove passed her house for nearly 3 weeks on the trot and he wasn’t there. I then sent a txt telling him his bank or credit card company kept ringing for him and to tell them he was no longer available on my number, that weekend he was at her house. The first meetings with his daughter was the 10th May so it was approx 10 weeks to my finding out he had been seeing the ex wife and ringing her. He hasn’t been in touch with me and like everyone else on here it is doing my head in the posts on here and the write ups have really helped me I just wondered if eventually he will ring. Oh by the way I opened his credit card bill as well and the week I kicked him out he had signed up for an adult dating site… what does that tell you he has told his sister when she asked why did he go to her house if he only wanted time away he said it was because he had no money and no where to go but he can live in his cab so that didn’t wash his mother seems to think he’s not 100% happy and he has bit off more than he can chew
Lynn September 17th, 2008, 10:56 am
I’m sorry it’s been a long post I have just read it back and it may seem I’m harsh but in my opinion he was keeping a foot in my camp unitl he had got his feet under her table but I rumbled him too soon. He has previously done this same thing with a friends wife. The friend died and he was doing a 60mile round trip to see her whenever he had a spare minute, a lot of the time behind my back. I kicked him out then and he never contacted me and changed his mobile number , I could only get hold of him through his mother or a frind we had a sick dog at the time which was costing a lot of money for medication and he never once offered to pay, he was acting like the agreived. The no contact did my head in and I ended up balaming myself 100% and begging him to come back this is when we got together and ended up getting engaged. He needs to be looked up to and to be made to feel he’s all that, he works away all week and there is no compromise with this the compromise was that I accepted this as long as he was home fri to sun whcih was working fine until he met his daughter. I had no bother with this the bother I had was that I wasn’t included in this relationship and I found out why
Fiona October 7th, 2008, 8:48 pm
Is an emotionally unavailable man the same thing as a commitmentphobia man? I read a book recently on ‘Men Who Can’t Love’ and it has a slightly different perspective that an emotionally unavailable man. Commitmentphobia men apparently can love but can’t access their emotions. Can anyone throw any light on this.
NML October 8th, 2008, 8:58 am
It really depends on how you want to look at it. Mr Unavailable’s are men who are unable to access their emotions. They habitually emotionally unavailable and create and perpetuate situations that keep them from every actually having to forge a connection. They either can’t or have limited access to their emotions and whether they do intentionally or not, because they are habitual, they end up controlling and manipulating the situation to suit their agenda. Being afraid of commitment is a side effect of being emotionally unavailable, after all, to commit would need you to fully engage.
Men Who Can’t Love is focused on the issue of commitment. Here at Baggage Reclaim, whilst obviously commitment is discussed, much of the discussion is about helping women understand the hows and whys of emotionally unavailable men so that it’s not so much about trying to get them to commit, but recognising that they are part of a well honed cycle that isn’t about to change anytime soon unless something catastrophic happens to them. If the man is commitment phobic because he is emotionally unavailable, then until he learns how to access his emotions, he is incapable of connecting and loving. Habitually emotionally unavailable either don’t have the skills or choose not to. If the man is commitment phobic due to other reasons, say for instance, he just really doesn’t want to be responsible to someone but he believes he is capable of love, that is a personal choice. The difference with the two is that one woman will decide that he can love, she just has to be the woman to change him, and with the other, she will realise that it is not down to her to revolutionise the wheel and to move on.
chris October 14th, 2008, 4:40 pm
hi everyone….i’m new to this site and of course u all must know the reason i’m here… :(( ………my EUM and i where in a relationship 9yrs…….. i am on NC for 8days now and feeling very upset……. i will not contact him (hopefully) but miss him terribly….. i keep looking to hear from him…..although maybe not as obsessed with checkng as i was last week……. i thought our relationship was the exception and not the rule….. i could really use some encouraging advise to help with my situation….
thanks chris
keri October 14th, 2008, 5:27 pm
chris
feels like your obsessed…like the exorcist.. right? you CANNOT stop thinking about him? Is he missing me? playing the good times over and over… it’s a pain in your gut… you can’t focus at work..either have no appetite or are eating everything you see… I KNOW.. we all know.. all i can tell you is that is normal.. and that you are only at the beginning of the process.. it starts with where you are… and it takes a while… just try to remember that it is OK to feel what you are feeling… especially if you are a fallback girl like most of us… EVENTUALLY you will come to a place where this is more about YOU than him…
one step at a time.. right now all you can do is sit tight… feel obsessed… It’s OK.. it’s part of being Step 1. Unfortunately…
just try with ALL YOUR MIGHT to NOT CONTACT HIM… IT IS HARD!!!! all you want to do is text him… and tell him what YOU did wrong.. etc..????? DONT!!! You have to let all this surface.. let all the obsession come to the surface.. and then and ONLY then would you be able to get to the next step.
try to get a breakup buddy.. a friend that loves you and wants to help you NO MATTER WHAT.. someone you can call INSTEAD of him. that is VITAL. find someone you trust.. and someone available to call at all hours.. seriously.. do this.. someone who can talk you out of a misstep.
One step at a time hon.. TRUST me.. you are not alone.. most of us here have gone thru (and are still going thru) where you’re at.. it DOES subside.. but I’m not sure it ever goes away..
it’s more about you.. loving you… if you can admit that he was an EUM.. then this is more about how you don’t feel worthy to receive love then what he was doing anyway…
we’re here..
chris October 14th, 2008, 5:48 pm
wow keri,,,,,u’ve made me cry…….i do have a great friend to lean on, but she’s been there soooo many times that i kinda feel like the “i told u so” is in the back of her mind……even though she wouldn’t say it……..i feel like i’ve mad my bed and so i must try to deal on my own with it……..can’t even turn to family due to the “i told u so”………… 9yrs is a long time to just NC cold turkey……..even though we’ve been thru this before…….i think he knows this time i’m serious…. from what i’ve read in prior post……..EUM’s don’t care……..and i think in the back of my mind, i know he probably doesn’t care……..and that’s what really hurts…….funny thing is that i’m the type of person that will put everyone before myself…….he was type of person that always put me last……..we’d be on the phone and someone would call him……..he’d have to call me back and take call…….but, when i’d call him and could tell he was on the phone……..maybe 1time out 100 he’d pick my call up……..no really crying!
chris October 14th, 2008, 5:55 pm
THIS IS A POST I DID YESTERDAY, BUT I THINK ON AN UNAVAILABLE BLOG
reading what u’ve all written has made me confused and depressed….i’ve been seeing a MM for about 9yrs now….so many promises in the beginning…we have broken up soo many times and he seems to draw me back…he is 52 and i am 45….little angry because i’ve wasted sooo much time, love and money ….he was to leave his wife when his daughter was 18 (who is not his and doesn’t know) …yup, she had and affair 19yrs ago ….. i think this is why i was drawn to him….but, frankly, who knows if that’s true….although she doesn’t look like him at all….anyway, i’m babbling in hopes to feel better…. he told me he wasn’t staying with the wife and so recently i started to demand in seeing him more and he to spend the nite…. his way of dealing with a situation was to ignore it…so, he went days without calling me….he’d done this before, but i promised myself the next time would hopefully be the last….so, 1 week ago i broke it off with him thru an email….like all of you…the pain is just unbearable….to not talk or see someone u loved sooo much ….. i know this is dead end relationship…but can’t help but pray he contact me…and thats my story and what i’m dealing with….. :((
keri October 14th, 2008, 5:56 pm
chris… you’re not alone….i’ll be your email breakup buddy.. you can email me about this at any time.. start with your whole relationship story.. kerilyn at aol.com … You are NOT alone in the fact that there are MANY of us that are in the same boat..
I am.. I am still thrashing around on a daily basis.. wondering if he ever cared? he moved in with me… why couldn’t he ever tell me i was beautiful or that he was grateful for me being in his life??? does he miss me? is he happier with the girl he’s dating now? is she a fallback girl?
yea.. you’re not alone.
My sincere suggestion is you buy and upload Natalies E-book.. I’m on page 120 and highlighting SO many paragraphs that DIRECTLY talk to me and my situation.. It will help I promise. it’s SO much what we need to hear…
I also suggest you go talk to someone..a professional.. they are unbiased.. they won’t make you feel guilty because this is the ONLY thing on your mind… because the root of the problem is that you don’t love yourself enough that you feel worthy to receive anything MORE than he’s given you… I know.. we know… once you start to let these feelings surface will be the most important step in eventually attracting someone who resonates what you mostly desire.. to be loved..
you’re not alone chris.please trust me.
Darcy October 14th, 2008, 11:01 pm
Hi,
I apologize in advance for this being so wordy! I just recently broke up with a man I was with for a little over a year. He is the classic case of an EUM. I found myself constantly being let down in the relationship. I have always been a good communicator so I sat him down on 3 separate occasions to let him know I felt that he was emotionally closed off and it was hurting me & our relationship (His ex-fiancee cheated on him during their 4 yr. relationship & devastated him) so I realize that was a big part of his EU. But that ended over 2 years ago and he would still make comments about it here & there.
He would always acknowledge what I was saying to him and even admitted that he had heard it several times in the past & that women have broken up with him before because of it. He would look me in the eye & tell me that I was right & that I deserved at least that from him but he couldn’t promise me anything. He never changed after each discussion and I got more & more exhausted with living with someone who was like this. IT emotionally took a lot out of me.
I told him I loved him & he never said it back but the way he looked at me and the way he made love to me I almost felt he was trying to tell me he felt the same way but could never actually say it. He also could never look me in the eye while we made love. This relationship broke my heart over & over again. I am the type of person who puts the man first as well and I found that I was starting to feel resentful that I gave so much and got nothig back. I guess the reason I am writing this is because I have found myself in a deep depression the last 8 weeks since I broke it off. He sent a few emails and called once to try to talk to me but I refused to reply or answer the phobne. He just gave up so easy & didn’t even fight for the relationship and it just seems it was all worth it for him to lose me just so he didn’t have to open his heart. That is just so hard to recover from. I haven’t made contact since I broke up with him other than to wish him a Happy Birthday about 2 weeks ago via email, he never replied back. I feel like he was my first true love, but now I find myself asking the question “can someone really be in love by themselves?” I hope you understand the question. I have always felt that when 2 people are in love it is a mutual thing and if one feels they are “in love” but the other isn’t then isn’t it more like lust or just obsession or maybe even in love with the idea of him? I feel very strongly that I made the right decision to end it but I miss him terribly and feel more confused than ever about love. I am a very logical woman and thought it out long & hard before ending the relationship so I guess now what I need is clarity with understanding how I could feel like I fell in love with someone who wasn’t in love with me..or could he have been? Also, does he even understand how much pain he has caused?
Fiona October 19th, 2008, 1:21 pm
Dear Darcy
I split up with a ‘weirdo’ a 1 1/2 ago. I met up with him a month ago and he was all over me like a rash just to drop me cold two days later when I phoned - that is what led me to this site as I just couldnt work or why but after reading about the ’status quo’ it gave me insight into their behaviour. It is such a difficult journey dealing with these ‘dangerous men’. I have gone through a lot in my life and I am still struggling; its not easy and I think what makes it difficult is closure has to come from yourself.
Love should not be painful it shouldn’t hurt and you should not be putting so much into a relationship and gaining nothing in return it is emotionally draining and leaves you exhausted, depressed with depleted self-esteem. If you in a relationship and you are putting in 80 per cent and your partner is contributing 20 per cent by all means try to go for; but with these men you could put in 120 per cent and get nothing back not even a spark - so ask youself what is the point. We are throwing ourselves at a brick, an emotionally dead human (no even human) incapable of giving anbody what they deserve. Pity them, really pity them and never feel sorry for them. I belive they could change if they wanted to, everybody can. They are just too selfish and retarded to want to or have the intelligence to work out they have a problem because they are so disengaged from themselves. IT IS THEIR PROBLEM - BIG SERIOUS PROBLEM and they are not happy it is impossible to be happy behaving the way they do. Your boyfriend lost the most precious thing in the world - your love but you can and will find someone someday who will be able to receive and give it back - this assclown will never. He is a walking contradiction to the human race who contributes nothing into the world apart from pain . .. Pity him…. you know what they say
‘if you feel no love, you feel no pain, you feel no life’
Hope this helps
Fiona
keri October 19th, 2008, 2:54 pm
Thank You Fiona.. This was said WONDERFULLY!!!! I couldn’t have said it better!!! sorry for your assclown…I think it begins when we learn to love ourselves… really invest in US instead of giving that 120 percent to someone who is .. i agree.. emotionally ill equipt!!!
Darcy October 19th, 2008, 7:13 pm
Thank you Fiona & Keri!
Fiona, you made me cry with this part ” Your boyfriend lost the most precious thing in the world - your love but you can and will find someone someday who will be able to receive and give it back - this assclown will never. He is a walking contradiction to the human race who contributes nothing into the world apart from pain . .. Pity him…. you know what they say
‘if you feel no love, you feel no pain, you feel no life’
Yes, it REALLY does help to have support like this. I am not one to call my friends and cry on the phone. I try to work out my own issues by myself so this website and women like you are a tremendous comfort to me right now. I know that I will recover from this, but it will take some time. I thought I found the person who I was going walk with through life, it really is just the death of a dream or fantasy really because the he wasn’t even on the same page as me the entire time right? THAT is what I need to remember, and yes, we all need to love ourselves first then we can make better choices for a partner. Have a great day ladies and thanks again for the support!
Dar
Fiona October 19th, 2008, 8:08 pm
I am actually quite touched by your replies - and it helps to know that I am not alone this is a fantastic site even better than counselling as without really being in a similar situation it is impossible to feel how someone else is feeling.
Healing takes time. It has been over a year since my break up and like everyone I thought I had met Mr Right but it was Mr Absolutely Wrong. Its hard because you keep thinking of all the really nice times at the beginning, and I think you build up a picture mentally of that nice guy. But that nice guy never existed - he is a fraud that’s what you have to remember. I think I built a picture of this nice guy in my brain and it is now a case of stripping all that away and focusing on all the nasty things he did and remembering that he has to live the rest of his life being emotionally unavailable. Emotions are one of the feelings that separate us from animals so these guys are not really human they are animals with the same emotions as a rats and pigs.
Cynnie October 20th, 2008, 2:09 pm
Hi All
Just when I thought I was over him, my EUM popped up. I changed my phone number, blocked him and started focusing on me. I repeated to myself what I would say if he called/made contact and how I was going to be calm and in control.
After 4 weeks of NC and feelling better about myself, he showed up at my office. No apology for standing me up the last time, nothing. But he did say how much he loved me and blamed me for the relationship going down hill, saying that I was too needy.
I am so weary right down and tears are falling on the keyboard as I type. Why does he play these games with me? He was very angry that I changed my number. As far as I’m concerned, he never called it when he had my number, so why fuss up now?
I want to know if this heaviness ever goes away. I know for sure that I will never go back with him, but I feel so hurt at how he treated me. Then to pop up weeks later and do it again? I am so sick of him right now. He ‘loves’ me but treats me like crap.
Everytime I’m almost out of the emotional woods he pops back up. If I love him and he loves me, what is the problem? Why won’t he try to make it work? I don’t know but I won’t stick around to find out. I still think of him a lot, but it’s not fond memories. I’m very angry at him and his callous attitude.
This morning a stranger bumped into me and made me spill my latte. He apologised profusely. That got me thinking. He doesn’t know me from a can of paint, but he had the manners to apologise and try to make amends by offering to pay for another one. My Ex EUM would hurt me and say nothing - not a sorry, didn’t mean too. And HE claims to love me. Whatever.
Today is a low point for me and instead of calling him and cussing him out (I’m done talking with him and over thinking…) I’m posting here. Any advice as to how to get out of this emotional fog?
chris October 20th, 2008, 2:30 pm
Hi Cynnie,
gosh…… i really feel for u as i’m going thru the same feelings
I don’t normally read this kinda email, but i did this morning……. it is long….i stuck with it and i felt better at the end……so, maybe it will help u feel better
In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket.
Their father was gone.
The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister was two.
Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared.
Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds.
He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries.
Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but no food either.
If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it.
I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job.
The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small town.
No luck.
The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince who ever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything. I had to have a job.
Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck stop.
It was called the Big Wheel.
An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids.
She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning.
She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start that night.
I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-sat for people.
I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night.
She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep
This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so we made a deal.
That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers, we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel.
When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money– fully half of what I averaged every night.
As the weeks went by, heating bills added a strain to my meager wage.
The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and again every morning before I could go home.
One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires!
There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires.
Had angels taken up residence in Indiana ? I wondered.
I made a deal with the local service station.
In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office.
I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.
I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn’t enough.
Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids.
I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning.
Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would be too far gone to repair.
On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. There were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a=2 state trooper named Joe.
A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the pinball machine.
The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.
When it was time for me to go home at seven o’clock on Christmas morning, to my amazement, my old battered Chevy was filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes.
I quickly opened the driver’s side door, crawled inside and kneeled in the front facing the back seat.
Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box.
Inside was whole case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10!
I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the jeans.
Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes. There was candy and nuts and bananas and bags of groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes.
There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and flour. There was whole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning items.
And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll.
As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude.
And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious morning.
Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop….
THE POWER OF PRAYER. I believe that God only gives three answers to prayer:
1. ‘Yes!’
2. ‘Not yet.’
3 . ‘I have something better in mind.’