He is very jealous and possessive and tells you that this is a sign of his love for you. Jealousy and possessiveness in it’s extremes are used to control a person and it also allows the offender to take no responsibility for their attitude and put the onus on you for them to be different. When jealousy or possessiveness becomes irrational, this can lead to physical violence or can manifest itself in systematic emotional abuse which leaves you with low self-esteem.

Disproportionate feelings far too early into the relationship which can translate as smothering. I have received emails from women who have been involved with men that have told them that they loved them after a week, pressured them to get pregnant and wanted to move in. The men in question saw this pressure to be serious as demonstration of their love but in reality, not only was it more than a little odd, it is often an early indicator that further down the line, this behaviour turns into jealousy, possessiveness which feeds into either emotional or physical abuse.

Humiliation, swearing, insulting, put downs are often used as devices to control and manipulate a person into doing what they want. By eroding the self esteem and systematically engaging in these behaviours, this is emotional abuse.

Control Freak – If your boyfriend tries to control who you see, when you see them, how you dress, where you go and much more, this is a very strong sign that you are with someone who is abusive. With someone who is like this, it is worthwhile addressing his behaviour and pointing out that his behaviour is controlling as with the right kind of guy, he will adjust his behaviour to appropriate levels.

He is handy with his fists: Mr Physically Agressive – It is totally unacceptable for any person to abuse you physically. No excuse is appropriate and no person should be used as a punchbag. Be very wary of someone who has already physically abused someone else. Don’t fall into the trap of ‘I Can Change Him’ syndrome. Oh and keep an eye on any guy that wants to destroy your property as a demonstration of his rage.
Threatening physical violence is just as bad as committing the act itself because ultimately it’s about ruling with fear and this is emotional abuse.

He abuses drugs and alcohol and blames them for his actions. How many women have found themselves with a black eye and had substances blamed for it? That doesn’t make it any better and absolves him from responsibility.

He likes to be the decision maker and won’t entertain anything that you suggest. Control of this level is never a good thing.

Forcing you to perform sexual acts which can be combined with any of the above to coerce you.

If your boyfriend/partner is displaying any of these signs, I would certainly have some serious concerns. Use common sense and your gut and get out before you find yourself an empty shell of your former self. There is no excuse for abusing someone and seek help as soon as possible. It is important to ensure that your abusers behaviour doesn’t destroy your self esteem and trust or have a long lasting impact on future relationships.
NML is the editor of Baggage Reclaim.

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26 Responses to Signs That You May Have an Abusive Boyfriend

  1. Ella says:

    I recently left my abusive boyfriend and i feel very lost and alone rite now. any advice on who i can talk to about it online? forums etc?

  2. fiona says:

    Hi Ella

    I too have just left my abusive husband, after 14 years of generla misery. I feel very unsure of my self and indecisive.

  3. AA says:

    Ella and Fiona,

    This is for both of you. I’ve been there. You will feel this way for a while and have to fight it. Part of the reason you feel this way is because you have lost your own identity. You need to focus on your own needs as a women…I am refering to career and self acceptance of who you are. Stop the mental thinking that you need a man to justify who your are as a woman. Be selfish for a while…Start going to the movies and dinner with your friends and stay away from the bar scene. The bar scene lead to getting drunk and repeating the bad decisions that led you to the initial choice of unworthy men.

  4. ashley says:

    lets see where so i start. well im ash &. im 18 my birthday is in may ill be 19 soon. I have been talkin to this boy since sept. i think if anything and then we started dating in dec. today is feb. 23 &. on saturday night exactly at 9:30 he hit me. he punched me in my mouth i have a bloody lip &. a scar . i have a black &. blue mark on my arm . i hated him that day so i called the police right after he hit me . well my friend did she was with me. so i told her to take my fone and call the cops when i said that he took my head &. slammed it against the car window . then he hit her &. grabbed my fone off her ears while scratching her. The police came 10mins too late he was gone . surprisingly they still havent found him . he was on foot too. for the past 2 nights i havent been sleeping. i have been so scared not for my life but for him not becausehes gonna go to jail but i know he has no place to go . no water no food . i really have this place in my heart for him but i cant get over what he did and i dont want to go back to that. i havent seen or talked to him since . i keep looking at pictures of him &. i . then i cry . it hurts so bad to know that you were helping someone at their worst &. they hit you . just because you left him to hang out with friends. its so sad . &. stupid . but i dont understand why i feel like this at all . in a way i want him to come back . i just miss his hugs and our ittle laughs before bed . i miss everything i dont miss the hit . he never did that before but he was really upset that night also because i seen him walking and i didnt pick him up . i was mad at him earlier so i thought he should learn a lesson but i gues the lesson turned on me . i keep listening to mine &. his song Mad by ne-Yo and i just cant stop cryiing . im so angry idk what to do . i need someone to talk to . i cant tell my parents this . i cant tell my friends they will call me stupid . because now i think i am . idk why i want him back so bad . but i know i dont want him to stay here . i just want to see that he is okay . love is a bitch . i know i cant change him, but i want the old him back when we were dating i went to new jersey for 2wks and 3 days he called everyday . then my last week it stopped . when i came back he changed soo much . he told me i was immuture and acting “brand new” but we got over that . that same day . idk where is his now . but i hope he knows im praying that hes okay &. that he does get caught . im in between two sides . i cant seem to pick one . anyone wants to talk to me . &. hear more of my story . please email me [email protected]

    i really need help right now .

  5. Lisa says:

    My boyfriend and I had a disagrrement. He was on a datesite and just having a great time. My cousin was on the site and notified me. So I was fussing and she typed what I said. Later he sent me an email and email him asking why he was on the site.
    He was embarassed because I caught him and started calling me b____’s and a fool. Refuse to apologize and I saw a side of him that really made me scared to be with him alone. He was just rude and a very bad temper. Wht would a man who loves you so much disrespect someone he loves.

  6. truthhurts says:

    Lisa, “Why would a man who loves you so much disrespect someone he loves.” Because he has issues. Because he is mentally not completely sound. And there is nothing you can change about that and there is no amount of love on either his or your side that can change that.
    It´s sad, seeing him struggle with feelings of some kind i am sure he has for you. But it isn´t love. He is simply not able.
    All you can do is leave.

  7. amy says:

    Dear Lisa and Ashley…and a few others who have written about men who disrespect, verbally and *especially* physically abuse you….here’s the bottom line–they are unstable and dangerous. To say that your life is in danger by staying with them sounds like an exageration. IT IS NOT an exageration! Please, please ladies get far away from any man who lays a hand on you. It only gets worse. Soon they will have you believing you are nothing, dirt and that you are lucky to have them. No one else would/could love you. This is a horrible controlling tactic they use. They also isolate you from family, friends…putting you in a very lonely, scary place. GET OUT. If you see this sort of thing, including-in my opinion-bad temper, hurting animals, extreme jealousy….you should know that your life is in danger. Please, please….Leave, don’t look back…..just go somewhere safe…shelters are in most cities. If you have kids–take them with you! Don’t wait to become a statistic. It can happen to you. There is NEVER never NEVER a reason to take physical or verbal abuse from anyone. You do NOT “deserve” to be treated this way. EVER
    These men are ill. They possibly can be helped with treatment. But they are also very good actors. They will make you believe they have changed when this is just yet another controlling tactic. I am a survivor of this type of relationship. Please listen to me—-I have seen this played out many times in the lives of my friends through the years……..yes, I’m old (63) and my relationship (marriage) was 40 years ago. My former husband remarried and is now in jail for manslaughter. He murdered his next wife. PLEASE, PLEASE ladies leave these men. TODAY don’t wait for the next outburst.

  8. Dan says:

    don’t be afraid to let the police know whats going on, I think alot of ladies are afraid doing that could make thing worse but i think thats the best thing you can do and the sooner the better. I was in a relationship that iwas emotionally and verbally abusive to my girlfriend leahanne and did the whole non-stop phone calling and note leaving creepy thing when she left me, and it continued until her parents called the poilice…i blammed her and drugs and alcahol like i had no conrol(most abusive guys do) but drugs and drinking dont cause abuse. Also, if you have him charged, either for court or probation he will most likely take a course on demestic abuse were if he wants to change he will have a chance to learn some tools to help him do so, have taken the course id say its extreamly good and helpful. I think alot of ladies that are abused would like there abuser to take responsibility for there actions and get help(and probably leave them the fuck alone)…to sumit up i think the best way to do this is not be afraid to get the police or other people involved…in my situation it benifted leahanne because i realize how wrong i was and left her alone and for me, i was 19,20 yr old at the time and was pretty happy to be corrected and learn some better tools….( i dont think most abusive guys want to hurt there girlfriend or wife, but it can be a deep rooted issue that shouldent be ignored or hope it will blow over)

  9. txwoman says:

    Did all of the mothers and fathers in our lives forget to teach us something? Why do women think that it is OUR job to make someone else feel better? Oh, I know, we women are the caretakers and it is our JOB to make everyone feel all better. Well, who has the job to make us feel better? After 14 years in an abusive marriage, then divorce, and then another 25 years in an even more abusive marriage, then divorce, somewhere along the line, we have forgotten to learn how to love ourselves. No, loving yourself does not make you a selfish, self-centered idiot. I have said it before, and I will keep saying this until I die, I would much prefer to be single, alone and happy, than to be married(paired) and absolutely miserable. I do not need someone else to show me my worth, I already know. I cannot stand controlling people (yes, there are plenty of women out there that are controlling too), and I have set myself free. I have a friend that is scared that she will never find “Mr. Right”, because she is in her late 40’s (whoopi, I am in my late 50’s), and she missed the boat, blah, blah, blah. What she does not seem to understand is that if she cannot learn to love herself, no one else will ever learn to love her for her. My new saying is “This is me, if you can’t take someone who is honest, does not cheat, would never even consider trying to control another human, then please, by all means pass me by.” I would rather enjoy what’s left of my life with the best company in the world;me.

  10. valerie 25 says:

    Well my situation does not seem as bad i just have a feeling, i been seein this guy for a few weeks now and he already told me he loves me but already, he trying to change me saying change ur hair colour, cloths etc . . . . . . and i just laughed it off but now like he tring to decide what cloths i wear and some thing is niggaling me, dont get me wrong hes had no temper or hit me or any thing like that i just wanted to know if im been silly or should i stop this before it stops me?

  11. Meant to be Happy says:

    @valerie 25

    I don’t think I’d be comfortable with a guy telling me what to wear, or how to colour my hair, unless I asked for his opinion. The fact that he says he loves you early on is a concern, too. If he loves you, he should love you for who you are as a person, not for how you look. Have you pointed out this controlling behaviour to him, as NML suggests? These seem minor ways of controlling you, but this could be a red flag, and if he continues to try to control you, or starts telling you what to do in other areas, I’d definitely take a good look at the dynamics of the relationship. The fact that you ‘have a feeling” is significant too – you should listen to your intuition, IMHO.

    good luck!

  12. Jessi says:

    I recently went on a date with a guy a met at the zoo, we are both in our early 30’s. He was cute, charming, and very polite. However on our fist date he started unloading all of his baggage from deaths in the family to past drug addictions. That was my Q to not go on a second date. I mean why would someone tell a stranger (I mean on date #1 you are basically strangers) all of that? Honesty is nice but there should also be tack as well. So I thanked him for the date and politely declined a second date due to work, which was not a lie. Well he called me 3-4 times each day that followed then one day called me 15xs, left 8 voicemails, 6 text messages and 3 messages on myspace all in one day! So I called him back, got his voice mail, and told him that I didn’t think we had enough in common.. Then he called me twice more that night leaving “I’m sorry” and “could I call him, so he could explain” messages always followed by “well forget it”. I didn’t answer I was sleeping at the time. I mean I did the right thing right? Should I give him a chance to explain? The way he acts in person was/is very nice, he loves animals as much as I do and in our little town I’m bound to run into him again. IDK I’m second guessing myself but could use an answer.

  13. jangg says:

    I know my bf is a control freak. He doesn’t let me have friends, does not let me watch Tv and does not let me talk to anyone and even with my family, because he “thinks” that these people are wrong, they will only hurt me and do bad things to me.. he wants to “protect” me. We’re together since 2 years and only now I see that this relationship is really a living hell. No makeup, no colorful clothes (eye-catching, i almost only wear gray), etc.. I left him a few times but I went back to him because I was stupid. Before that he vas already jelous, although I dind’t do anything wrong, then I went out with another boy and I felt really miserable with him. That’s why I thought it was better with my boyfriend. Now if I want to leave him he’s threathening me he will do something to himself. I don’t want him to get hurt, but even when I think of things that I’m going through I’m crying.
    I just want a normal life and I don’t know what to do.

    • Emily says:

      @Jangg – You want to have a normal life? Here is what you need to do: dump that guy. He is a total loser and you are volunteering for it. Get the hell out before you waste your entire life. Pick up the phone, call him, dump him. Simple.

      • jangg says:

        And you think he would just give it up like that? He would follow me anywhere I would go. I’m living in fear and I would live in fear after all. I tried to dump him but he threathened me. He thinks that “there is no other way” than living like this. He said nothing would hold him back from killing himself. That’s how he is forcing me to stay with him. Now I have become the most stupid person in the world, I admit it, I have learned but I had enough. I don’t want to be the faulter and the bad person anymore. I want to be myself I’m just afraid.
        Once he said, if we ever break up and he sees with another boy, he would beat me up. He threathened me like that so many times. He threathened me that he would kill himself. I stopped him a few times. I don’t want to be the faulter if he would kill himself.

      • NML says:

        @Emily You are for the most part right but remember that this is an abusive relationship and his behaviour is like pyschological warfare. She very clearly needs to leave and make the break but I also suggest that she get some support because she is no doubt riddled in self-doubt after putting herself in his control. These relationships are very damaging – dumping him is simple in theory and absolutely necessary but don’t underestimate what has happened here.

        • jangg says:

          You are right. But I still don’t know how to start ‘dumping’ him. I am very very afraid. I could start a new life and I want to, I just don’t want to include him in any way! But he made me feel insecure and now I’m having nightmares too… That he’s following me and forcing me to marriage. I will be 18 in the next month, so I don’t really want to think of marriage… And of course, not with him! It would be a horror. I have become the world’s biggest liar in the past half a year and I feel guilty, but on the other hand I know that he’s not okay… I made mistakes too, but I feel that I have paid for them too much. And now I feel like I’m alone. I can’t trust anyone. I feel insecure. And I need help or else only God knows what will happen. Even now I’m shivering…

          • NML says:

            You are 18?! This is highly disturbing! I read your earlier comment and it seems that you are involved with quite a dangerous man, or at least someone who talks like it as he is threatening violence should you get involved with someone else. He may or may not mean this and he is using fear to control you, however I recommend that you make sure that you have things organised so that when you go, you have support, somewhere to go to, and safety. I suggest you start making a note of any threats he’s making, and speak with some professionals, such as counsellor and local law enforcement as to what your options are. In most places, I don’t know where you are based, but the fact that you are almost 18 should work in your favour. Whilst I appreciate that you don’t want to be ‘responsible’ for him killing himself, you must realise this is emotional blackmail and manipulation. If you use his threats as a basis, you will never leave, and trust me, he’s not about to change. You are not responsible for his behaviour.

          • jangg says:

            i must say that i’m free :)
            since 3 weeks… our relationship has ended like hell… he was very aggressive… and i called for help from my parents. i thought he would follow me, but he didn’t do it, just wrote me messages and called me a few times, i picked up the phone a few times but i got bored and annoyed of it so i didn’t react on his calls. since 1 week he stopped calling me.
            but it will be hard from now on. i still feel insecure, i still feel like i’m locked in that world that he created for me, but it’s much better than it was back then.
            i thought everything will be alright if i leave him but i’m confused and i don’t feel really free. but thanks to my friends i’m getting much better.
            the only thing is that i’m afraid of everything, i can’t trust people. but it will be better.
            and guess what? he didn’t do anything to himself! he told me that i’m weak, childish… but guess what – i survived :)

  14. jangg says:

    I don’t know who could help me. I live in Romania and I don’t want to say ugly things about my country, but I’ve heard so many times that the police is corrupt and things like that. And I don’t know where to go! He would look after me and he told me, he would look after me until he gives up, and gives up for his life too. I never wanted a life like this. I am very very afraid. And don’t know that my parents could help me. They could but I feel pity for his mother. He has problems in his family and if she’d lose his only child… Would I be selfish to leave him? Please, NML there’s my mail address. I need someone to talk to and to help me. I don’t like posting things on forums that are about myself and my life.
    Thank you.

  15. […] Signs That You May Have an Abusive Boyfriend […]

  16. caroline says:

    I hope my experience will help anybody who thinks their boyfriend or partner is controlling. If you think you are in an abusive relationship then you probably are. Do not doubt your own instincts. The trouble is these men screw you up so much you doubt your own sanity and worse you cover up for them, you hide it from your friends and family, allowing them to carry on.

    I was stupid enough to get into an abusive marriage in my mid forties. Text book stuff. Just type ‘abusive personality’ into google and the signs will be there for you to see.

    Right away they tell you how much they love you, how nobody has ever meant so much to them and how you were just meant to meet. Mine actually used to lie in bed with his hands held together in prayer and when I asked why he would say he was thanking God for sending me. This is the same man who was unbeknown to me using web sites to communicate with women who enjoyed on-line sex.

    Marriage will be quickly on the agenda. Mine produced an engagement ring very quickly, followed swiftly by an eternity ring. He was Mr Wonderful. Loved my kids (sent me texts telling me this all the time), fixed my house, did the garden, fixed my car, you name it, he did it.

    When his temper flared he blamed me (and I stupidly believed it). It wasn’t long before he was saying things like ‘do not ever speak to me like that again’ over innocent remarks and then he would put me down, laugh at my clothes (you’re not wearing that?) pick up drab clothes in shops and say they would suit me, before long I couldn’t go into a shop alone and pick out clothes. He criticised my friends, said terrible things about my kids and when he erupted and I tried to get away from him he would lock me in the house, sit on me, hold me down (for my own good of course) and make life hell. I could not do right for doing wrong. If I said it was a lovely day he would disagree. He disagreed with everything I said. He had to be right all the time, which was laughable as he was often wrong.

    I was actually afraid to end the relationship, I was worried he would cause a scene. I spent hours sitting in my car to get away from him, I spent three and a half years living somebody else’s life, waking up each day crying and not knowing how to get away from him as I had become involved financially and was in danger of losing everything. He caused a huge rift between myself and my daughter (called her a slag) and caused arguments at the drop of a hat. When he wasn’t doing that he was begging for forgiveness, clinging onto my legs as I tried to get away and telling me he had changed.

    This (man) destroyed my life for a time. I was sad, empty, unhappy, depressed and almost suicidal at times. I stopped wearing makeup, I wore drab clothes, I didn’t see my friends, we never went out, we had nobody over to visit us, we didn’t even eat together (I have told you I don’t like what you cook, don’t tell me when to eat). He used my car, he never put petrol in it, he took money from me and contributed nothing to the house. He made no comment on when I got a job and when I got accepted on a degree course. I used to sit and look at him and think ‘what have I done? Is this what my life is to be like from now on?’

    My future was very grim and yours will be too if you stay with a man like this. You will have NO friends, NO social life, NO happiness. Men like this are volatile and at times mentally ill. They are very good at covering this up initially but it always shows eventually. Get out if you see the signs. It is not normal to cut you off from friends, to stop you doing what you love, to tell you what to do and how to do it. These men do not love you.

    Eventually he got bored with me, as he got bored with all the others that he abused. His family eventually told me about his past and he was stupid and lazy enough to be caught cheating online. I did not know this man at all. He was a liar, a cheat and he was abusive verbally and physically and not just with me. I was very lucky that I got rid of him and that he moved on quickly to his next victim, who sadly did not want to listen to what I had to tell her about her perfect new boyfriend who became her perfect husband and the perfect father to her baby which was conceived within a couple of months after they met. Through little snippets of information I already know that he has not changed one bit, he still indulges in his past behaviour, he has already cheated on her and I imagine she is now lying in bed, like I did, wondering how the hell to get rid of him.

    You do not need a low life like this in your life. Tell your friends, tell your family, get help to get rid of him if he is in your life. Call the Police, play him at his own game and if he threatens to kill himself then so be it, I doubt very much that it will happen and if it does then it just shows how unstable he was in the first place.

    Please do not put up with these beasts, do not let them rule or ruin your life, it’s too short and you deserve to be happy and in a normal relationship, this is not normal and never will be and you do not want to look back in thirty years and wish you had had the courage to get rid of him when you knew in your heart of hearts that he was an abuser. Don’t waste your time trying to change him, or trying to tell him what he is, he will not agree with you, he will just tell you that you are insane and eventually, sadly, you will believe it more than he does.

    There is no excuse for abuse of any sort.

  17. JJ says:


    You are so right. I was dating an emotional abuser I believe and didn’t even realize it. He was very aggressive starting out in the first couple of months of our dating for one year. For the whole year he called me all day every day; and if I answered on the third or fourth ring he would always say; “How many times do I have to call you before you answer your phone? He was much of manipulator.. He was always oppossed everything opposite of me. If I was having a good day and expressed it he would try to bring my good day down with his bad day. We started doing things from the beginning of the relationship where he would invite me over to his place of course and cook dinner for me almost every weekend; we were actually trying to be a couple and then eventually all of that faded. Suddenly I was starting to have to pay for everything when I wanted us to go out and do things. I found myself having to ask for sex which was not a problem in the beginning. It almost felt like he was with holding sex to punish me. There were nights that I slept over that he would leave me alone to sleep in his bedroom while he slept in the bed room next to me. His temper started to get worser. One night when I was assisting him to fill out a form and he got very angry at me cause he thought his handwriting was sloppy…(I know that sounds about hideous). I come from a very successful family and he found he had to always compete against me. Two weeks ago I ended that year long journey of a so called relationship with him. I told him to find someone else to use. That’s when his verbal abuse came out and he called me all kinds of bitches.. He threatened that If I didn’t shut my mouth that he would come over to my house and slap the shit out me and to never call his phone again. He stated that no man was ever going to marry me and I am dam fool if I thought otherwise. I have been NC for two weeks now and haven’t look back since. He may be a physical abuser as well but thank God I didn’t stick around long enough to find out.


  18. caroline says:

    JJ, Good luck, it’s early days isn’t it? But you sure did the right thing. Your story is very like mine. I could really go on and on, there was so much awful stuff. I was constantly accused of ‘having someone else’, like I had the energy! He broke into my email account and talked about ‘cameras in the house’ and ‘trackers on my car’ scary stuff. It made me totally paranoid. He pretty much ruined every day we were together after a short while and I was always in tears. With these men you cannot win, if you ignore their rages they rage more, if you fight back they rage more. I had two very enjoyable moments apart from the day I got rid of him …. I once elbowed him in the eye as he held me down on a bench in the garden and he had a black eye the next day (nothing to be proud of I know, but boy did he deserve it!), the other was when he would sit on the bonnet of my car as I tried to drive away from him I went for it and ran over his foot. I still smile when I see the look on his vile face. This man’s eyes would bulge out of his head and he actually frothed at the mouth when he was in a rage. He always bragged about who he knew (although he never went out and had no real friends) and would talk about celebrities as though he knew them personally, what a sad sack!

    Watch out for how these men treat their animals. When I met him he had a dog that he kept locked in the kitchen, she was terrible neglected and her fur was matted with excrement, which I cleaned up and then groomed her, but she would bite and bark constantly. I found out later that people had reported him to the RSPCA more than once. I really should have seen this RED FLAG! My own fault.

    Please stay strong and believe that you are so much better than this man. He will not change and if you go back with him your life will be awful. My quality of life was terrible then and I thank God every day that I got rid of him and that I can now be who I want, with who I want and go where I want, when I want, wearing what I want and being ME. You will never have this if you are with him. I hope you are very, very proud of yourself that you have got out of this relationship as quickly as you have and that you walk towards a much better future for yourself.

    Take care xxx

  19. Kt says:

    I’m posting this to get some other opinions and want to give the facts on the matter, not all the emotional baggage that will sway the vote, but I honestly think he’s bad news for her and all her friends have told her this and it’s almost at the point where no one wants to be her friend anymore. And I know this is what he wants because I’ve seen it happen to my mom with my step dad. But I need others opinions, so in order to protect her identity (Even though it really doesn’t matter if I do), I’ve used her and his first initial. Simple, but works.

    A friend (J) has been dating a man ( R) who has shown signs of possibly being abusive in the long run. They began dating on February 4th. She had been engaged with another man who she had been with for about three years. She and ( R) met while she was engaged and planned on her breaking up with her fiancé. She did so online and within a two hours, was dating ( R). Within weeks of them dating, he had yelled at her closest friend and threatened to come after another for calling her “love”. Below is an email from one of the friends explaining what happened to (J)’s mother;
    “She came over and ( R) was with her. (J) and I went to my room and we started talking. She kept getting texts and answering. From whom? ( R), who was in the living room. We talked about having our blow out fight and that we needed to talk about why we were feeling what we were feeling. Then ( R) called her and said that he didn’t liked being ignored. She said she had to go. I said ‘Ok, but I have to tell you that’s a little bit controlling to me.’ She got pissed and stormed out. Five mins later she calls and says ‘He wants to say something to you.’ ( R) comes on the phone and says ,‘You’re in there yelling at my girlfriend ( I never once yelled at her.) You told her to ignore me.’ I said ‘No I didn’t. I had asked her if she could turn off her phone, so we wouldn’t be interrupted, and then she said that it was ( R) and he’d get worried if she turned the phone off. I said ok that’s fine. I understand.’ Then he called me and I quote ‘What a fucking liar.’ and hung up.”
    Another friend reported that ( R) was dictating what (J) was allowed to wear and who she was allowed to be around or talk to and for how long. Three weeks into their relationship, she moved out of her mother’s house and in with him. (J) claims that her mother gave her an ultimatum, her family or him, while her mother says she told her that “he had disrespected me twice and he would never be given a chance to do it again.” Ignoring comments about it being a little rushed, (J) announced her engagement to ( R) on April 12th, five weeks into their relationship. On May 8th, she and ( R) drove to each of her friends’ houses and “gave back” things of theirs that (J) had. (It was reported by one that was involved that ( R) was rushing (J) and she seemed desperate.) The next day, Mother’s day, ( R) told (J)’s mother that she was “pathetic” and to “fuck off” when (J)’s mother made a comment about him being a “little boy with big issues”. On May 20th, because moving in with ( R) left (J) with little source of income and no mode of transportation, she filed a law suit against her mother for a car and money.

    We’re worried about her safety and I’ve sent her loads of articles on signs of an abusive boyfriend, but she swears he’s done nothing wrong. Any advice?

    • JJ2 says:

      You have tried all you can. It’s her decision. I know you want to protect her, but you have tried all you can.

30-Day Project: Dealing With Tricky Family Members

Tired of dealing with family drama or waiting for them to spontaneously combust in to changed people? Need to find ways to step back and take proactive steps to redefine the relationship from your end? This 30-Day project will help you do just that.

30-Day Project: Dealing With Tricky Family Members

Tired of dealing with family drama or waiting for them to spontaneously combust in to changed people? Need to find ways to step back and take proactive steps to redefine the relationship from your end? This 30-Day project will help you do just that.