You Are Not Worth My Time!! - How To Know When To Ditch That Guy
Hot Alpha Female writes
So life is going great. You’re doing the flirting, meeting the people, and enjoying your dates. Then SMACK! …..You find a guy that you’re crazy about and your world comes crashing down, but in a kind of good way. You can’t stop thinking about him and the fairytale romance you see in the movies might just be a possibility…
Yep you’re in lust. Some people call it love. I call it – rose tinted wonderland or being on drugs…. Whatever floats your boat …
Now let me explain the problem here. Being in this state of lust can cause a little delusion, insanity and insomnia. Being in this state of lust usually stops us from seeing what is really going on.
We are too busy daydreaming about how fantastic a relationship with this person will be, that we cant even see that this guy doesn’t know what he wants to eat for lunch, let alone think about anything in regards to a relationship.
But don’t worry; there is hope. Because right now I’m going to give you some tips and hints so that you’ll be equipped with ammunition for when its time to shoot down any potential ideas about this guy and ditch him.
Hey my name is only Hot Alpha Female. What do I know about ditching right? Now I’m not saying that you drop-kick people to the curb for the fun of it but there are some things that guys do that we really shouldn’t tolerate, and girls, sometimes I don’t know why you put yourself through all that emotional abuse ….
Its time to wake up and smell the roses which you just found out were FAKE and made in CHINA.
Ok ok so in my heading I say the ultimate guide to ditching someone. Well the ditching part really isn’t that hard. You basically dump their sorry ass. No more time, effort, or attention should be spent on them. I know it’s harsh, but trust me…you’ll thank me later.
What’s more important is actually gauging when someone is treating you bad. It’s about being savvy and smart to what is really going on.
So what constitutes ditching material?
He doesn’t make the effort to contact you regularly. Now if your ideal relationship involves a guy who is only willing to put 10% effort into it, then by all means go for it. But if you are looking for someone that will give you a little more than just the time of day then I would suggest that you reconsider.
Now you just might think that this is a little harsh to ditch someone for but the deceptive thing about this problem is that we don’t make a big deal out of it. We tend to make excuses for the guy, that he is busy, that something big has come up, that he doesn’t have 20 cents to make a simple PHONE CALL TO YOU.
There are a number of reason why he isn’t contacting you. The first one, is simply he isn’t interested in talking to you all the time. It’s only when he is in the mood.
Secondly he is acting up so that you don’t get your hopes up too high. He doesn’t want to be on his best behavior because then he figures you will end up liking him too much ( the ironic thing is that this actually works in his favour).
Thirdly he doesn’t want to have frequent conversations with you because he is afraid you are going to bring up the “where is the relationship going” conversation, and quite frankly, it would be less painful to jump off a bridge into shark infested waters!
So here it is girls. Don’t excuse someone’s bad behavior! I have found that if a guy isn’t contacting you regularly and consistently, that he just isn’t that INTO you. I know it sucks and it’s hard to hear but your time is better spent on someone else, more deserving of your love and attention.
Distant and emotionally absent. I hear you guys talk a lot about EUM a.k.a emotionally unavailable men. Well I don’t give them that much credit. I prefer to call them emotionally retarded man-boys. I find it takes them off that pedestal….
I know I could write a whole other article about these guys, especially since they royally screw us up, but here is the thing: When a guy doesn’t talk about doing things with you in the future, or doesn’t introduce you to his friends, or include you in his life after you have been seeing him for at least 3-4 months, there is something not right about him.
I am very cautious around these types of guys because you can become very emotionally invested in them. Its something about their unpredictable nature and their ability to constantly be a challenge that keeps you hooked. Don’t fall for it girls. Because you will lose every single time …. Guaranteed.
With that said I am going to leave you guys with this thought. While the dating game is about meeting a variety of different people and getting to know them, ironically the one person that you have to know the most is yourself.
It’s important to remember what we deserve and how we should be treated.
It’s important to remember our dignity and value our self worth.
It’s important to remember that we should not settle for anything less than the best.
With that in mind, remember the criteria, know what you want and deserve and go get-em!
Hot Alpha Female is a new weekly contributor to Baggage Reclaim. She’s a vibrant twenty-something that loves talking about dating and relationships, as well as skiing and laughing uncontrollably.
FinallyOverIt March 6th, 2008, 1:13 am
I totally agree with everything you are saying, Hot Alpha Female! One thing I have noticed in reading a lot of the comments written about the EUM is that we spend way too much time and effort talking about what our EUM has done to us, how we feel about them, even going into extreme detail about each encounter we have with them, what they said, what we said, how we felt about what they said, etc. etc., Ladies, we need to stop re-living each and every little detail about our involvement with EUMs! I think it is counter-productive to our ability to move on and get these men out of our system once and for all. And, it kind of gives the message that we aren’t really over them like we think we are! I believe in processing emotions and all that, but when we are writing volumes about how “they did this, and they did that” it makes me wonder if we are really moving on….It seems like at some point, the healthy thing to do is FOCUS ON OURSELVES, figure out how to break unhealthy relationship patterns, how to take care of ourselves and our emotional well-being, just enjoy life and find things to do that give us joy and passion–and then, when we least expect it, we may meet someone that sees us for the wonderful women we are. Stay strong, ladies!
Emotionally Retarded ManBoy March 6th, 2008, 2:03 am
Emotionally retard manboys! I love it! HAF, I’m liking you better with every post. Where do you live again?
I’m big on lust….but, yeah, when we don’t call and stuff it’s because we’re not that into you. Don’t fall for the line, “Well, I just don’t like talking on the phone.” Smokescreen. Ditch and go find yourself another boyfriend. Or three.
Hot Alpha Female March 6th, 2008, 2:53 am
FinallyItsOver: Girl I totally hear what you are saying. That’s why im in love with this term emotionally retarded man boys.
Coz it just makes you laugh at yourself and wonder why you spend so much time and attention on these guys which really have nothing to offer.
Hey, I’m all about kicking butt. And I would happily kick an ERM ( Emotionally retarded Manboy) to the curb anytime anywhere. But maybe that’s just me. And hopefully after people read this post, they will too!
Emotionally Retarded Man Boy a.k.a lance: Where do I live.? Good old Australia mate. Got the Aussie accent and everything. LoL
I think its really important for chicks to wake up and figure it out sooner rather than later if a guy isn’t that into her.
That way you can save yourself time and spent that with someone way more interesting and more importantly way more into you =)
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
china blue March 6th, 2008, 2:08 pm
A to the MEN. So to speak
This is what the last emo-tard did to me. He talked about the future, then decided he’d stop calling. Like an idiot I chased after him.
I realised he was wasting my time, but still held out hope when he threw me a crumb here and there… then I dumped his ass. The joke is, he seems to think he ended it, by the power of sheer mind-to-mind communication.
I agree that endlessly dissecting every interaction we ever had with the EUM is counter-productive to our own growth… and it’s this we should focus on.
Good post, HAF.
Hot Alpha Female March 6th, 2008, 2:23 pm
Hey China Blue,
Haha thats the thing with man boys … we start getting used to taking the leftover fruit from the floor. Where really if we just looked up and we could have ripe fruit from the tree.
Yeh i really hope that didnt sound too lame. But its late .. and when its this time at night i start talking in cliches. LoL
I think what im trying to say China Blue is that when we are with ERMs then we get used the breadcrumbs they give us .. and soon thats all we expect.
Its good at these times, to take a step back and see how you are really being treated. Then and only then do you have the power to see what you truly deserve
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Alicia1973 March 6th, 2008, 6:34 pm
This is so funny, I love these retards, well not really. But, I am in the process of out processing my EUM and yes, he is such a child. I only get 10% of his time and it is only to talk about decorating his house and what I think (Oh, when we are together it’s what “we” are going to be doing to the house). Whateves. I am tired of picking out paint colors and picking out furniture. I went from girlfriend, hesitantly, to interior designer, personal dresser. What kind of girl spends 8 hours at IKEA looking at stuff with her EUM, and I was asked to make most of the decisions cause he couldn’t. Thanks, but no thanks for the demotion. I have all my stuff back now so I can finally make the break…..wish me luck, and balls of steel!!
lisaq March 7th, 2008, 3:33 am
OMG! I have just seen my past and it absolutely scared the hell outta me! I honestly feel like you got a hold of my diary and called me out for being an idiot! And you so should have.
I actually spent a year with a guy who did all of these things. All the while I had this stupid dialog with myself about how I’d be alone if I dumped him. Good Lord I was alone most of the time anyway.
Sometimes it’s good to have someone remind you of what an idiot you were in the past so you don’t repeat it.
Wonder Woman March 7th, 2008, 4:38 am
To alicia1973…Hope your not in CT girl! That was a replica to my previous relationship with a man. It’s when you step outside of the box, only to realize what’s going on…just as outsiders looking in. Boy, have I felt like an idiot …quite a few times. Having the strength to bounce back is important.
Cmdg March 7th, 2008, 3:53 pm
I LOVE the comment about the roses being fake and made in China…. lol, as I go through NC it is my mantra.
FinallyOverIt March 7th, 2008, 6:07 pm
Alicia1973, your story made me laugh because, although I wasn’t my EUM’s interior designer (that probably would have been more fun), I was his “work therapist.” We worked together, so he would show up at my house (usually unannounced) and I would pour him a glass of wine and listen to all of his problems at work. These conversations would also include his lamenting about his sad life, and how he didn’t know if he should have bought a house, if this job was right for him, etc., etc. And I would look at him wide-eyed and hang on every word he said. Then, I started thinking, “When is he going to ask me about my life? I sure do a lot of listening to him about his problems, but….what about me? Will I ever have a chance to share my hopes and dreams with him?” Well, it never happened (big surprise). So, after coming to the epithany that I was A CONVERSATION BOOTY CALL for him, I finally kicked him to the curb. He even said to me one time, “I just come over here, talk about work, and then go home.” How could I have justified this behavior? Oh well, lessons have been learned, and I’m moving on.
These EUMs are such strange, funny little men.
Hot Alpha Female March 7th, 2008, 11:27 pm
Hi Girls,
Well i think that you are all doing really great at recognizing when a guy is not right for you.
I wrote this article not to remind you that you are an idiots .. but rather to build your awareness so that you can make better decisions with your current and future relationships.
All the best girls, be blogging with you soon =)
Hot Alpha Female
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
Astelle March 12th, 2008, 12:29 am
China blue, this is too funny. What happenend
that makes him think that he broke it off??
Would love to hear the details
Astelle March 12th, 2008, 12:33 am
Alicia, sure he is not gay? My EUM couldn’t wait
once to show me his new bedspread!
Not sure, friends tell me, a “real” man doesn’t go
shopping for bed spreads, they go shopping for
electronics and tools!!
Not sure what to think…
Alicia1973 March 12th, 2008, 1:40 am
Hi Astelle,
Umm Yeah, I asked him if he was gay and he said no but I think he is standing in the closet with the door open. But, I think he may be gay and he is quite attractive and has a lot of gay friends. Why the hell would he want to be intimate with me?? Weird. Thanks for the comment, I laughed my booty off, well part of it.
china blue March 13th, 2008, 8:35 pm
Astelle: basically, I noticed he was down and withdrawn. I asked him what was wrong, and he told me… and we went back and forth like this until I said that him not coming to me and telling me (as opposed to me beating it out of him) had made me more upset than the situation.
To which he replied, ‘Do you think that’s actually how it happened?’ As if to say he’d been honest and truthful without needing to be prompted. I hope one day he grows the balls he thinks he has.
If it was possible to punch someone in the head over the phone, he’d have been in trouble.
Kim March 28th, 2008, 4:01 pm
Hey girls - I have a question. I didnt seek my eum out. He emailed me long distance. We dated back in college. Can a man be EU to just one woman if he doesnt think she is the one or will he be that way with all women. He looked me up, promised me the world, hid me for a yr. (he was newly separated) then dumped me & a week later introduced his new girl to his mom & kids. I was crushed. Will he be EUM to her or was it just me? I know it shouldnt matter. He didnt give me what I needed but I wonder if he is giving her more?
D March 30th, 2008, 9:49 pm
I have to write something here. I was one of those women who fell for emotionally retarded man boy and I can tell you that the pain was excruciating. It dragged on for 4 years and pretty much destroyed my sense of self, I was completely lost and it ended in violence. The person I was when I met him and the person I was by the end of it was poles apart. It took me a very very long time to recover from this deeply damaging relationship. I struggle to forgive myself for not being “smart” as you put it but believe me when you are in the throes of something like this it is like you are another person and you totally lose yourself. It has been the most devastating experience of my adult life and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Dating a commitment phobic man is deadly.
Hot Alpha Female March 30th, 2008, 10:26 pm
Kim: A man can be EU to a certain woman. It is possible. There may have been something that was holding him back to commit to you. N he doesnt have that same problem when committing to another woman.
With that you have to realise that wateva his deal is, its HIS problem. SO you dont need to take them on. Do not let his problems affect your life.
Instead of focusing on him so much. Ask yourself what do you want? What kind of relationship do you deserve?
Once you put the focus back on you and how you feel and what you want to do, then you take back your own control and can control your own thoughts and emotions much better.
D: Thanks so much for sharing that with us. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. And im glad that you took that experience, learned as much as you could from it and grew as a person.
I think what you have to say about commitment phobes is very serious and should not be taken lighty.
There are some men out there .. that we are definately stay away from
HAF
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com
D April 3rd, 2008, 9:15 pm
Thanks for that, HAF. It is incredibly difficult to pull away from someone you are head over heals in love with. You keep hoping that one day they are going to love you back, but they never do. Had I known where it would take me I would have walked away much sooner, when I still felt intact. You don’t realise the damage until its far too late. A serious warning to anyone reading this, if you are with someone who you suspect is a commitment phobe, then you’re probably right. Don’t for a second believe your love is strong enough to change them or that you can handle whatever happens. I am a strong woman and I thought I could handle whatever happened. I learned the hard way that I absolutely could not. Walk away while you’re still strong enough and never look back. Never torment yourself with “if only’s” or “what if’s”. You’ll be doing the smartest thing you’ve ever done.
Alika September 15th, 2008, 7:20 am
Hot Alpha Female !
I wish I read your article 6 months ago…YOU are right!
Thanks GOD it all pass me and now I can clearly “see” who is who:-)
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum October 24th, 2008, 5:54 pm
Wow. Is there anyway we can teach this stuff in junior high school, before we mess up our heads on ERM’s???? We are now working on two generations of women who have been conditioned to this BS. This will have broad whole-culture damaging effects if we don’t put an end to it.
I thought I was pretty smart, hot, got a whole lot going for me, but I Just. Ended. A. Six. Year. Relationship. With. An EUM.
Six years down the drain!!!
46 and no better informed than a high school girl about love and relationships. Being smart is no good if you don’t have the information.
There were signs early on, but I was uneducated about these jerks, and I got hooked. From those first three years of blowing pretty hot, good sex, good times, he gradually withdrew from me.
You know the tale about how if you put a frog in a pot of cold water and gradually heat it up they don’t notice the change and in the end you have boiled the frog and they never jumped out of the pot??? With the long-term operator EUM it is just like that but opposite, you are lucky to get out of the pot before it freezes over!
Hot baths help.
SuzieQ October 24th, 2008, 6:30 pm
Hi Regina, 6 years is a long time. I am older also , 40 ,and should know better by now. I really didn’t start to understand EUM’s until I found this website about a year ago.
If you don’t mind me asking, how did you finally end it and get away from him? Mine seems perfectly content and will not break it off with me, I would have to do it and I am having trouble.
SuzieQ
ReginaToxicodendronDiversilobum October 29th, 2008, 10:46 pm
Hi SuzieQ,
It was our custom to visit every year on our anniversary and discuss the relationship. This year he asked me about a plan he was thinking of: He would move out of his apartment, sofa-surf for awhile to save on rent, in order to save up enough money to buy a condo for himself. My response? Dude, you just wrote a story for your life that does not include me. I have a hard time seeing this as an oversight. He would never live with me because I’m messy and besides he would never live with anyone. He required a whole lot of “alone time,” and I thought the relationship had been on starvation rations with him being in charge of the rations. Two more conversations, and BOTH of us reading Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl (!!!!can you believe that???) and we called it off. I will publish our ritual of parting on my (mostly neglected) blog. Thanks for asking, SuzieQ. This place is a refuge for my sanity.
blackgnat November 21st, 2008, 5:02 am
I have just discovered this site and it is a Godsend-I know I’m echoing many posters out there…My sob story is also that I’m now 50!! and have been doing the EUM thing for EIGHT (count them) years-3 of just being infatuated and basking in the glow of HIM-and 5 when I was a glorified booty call. Well, not even glorified….I just saw him last week and am slowly realising that the Thrill is Gone. He is on vacation in Rio right now, and I know that while I have been disecting our last enounter under my mental microscope, he will not have been giving a NANOSECOND to anything concerning me. Sad and painful-I have to detach from the drama and to stop feeding the Beast,because there’s nothing there and there probably hasn’t been for a while. Yet, though he’s emotionally retarded, he’s smarter than I was, because Im fairly certain he’s known this for a long time….And yes, like other posters, I am VERY suspicious about his sexual orientation. Vehemently denies any homosexual tendencies, but to me they are screaming out, in hot pink, to be acknowledged. Sigh.
Cynnie January 19th, 2009, 11:55 am
My gut told me about 4 months into my involment with Mr. EUM to bail out. His never making any real effort to contact me/spend time with me was my first and biggest red flag. Of course he had obstacles and was under stress. Why couldn’t I just relax a bit and let the “relationship” develop? Couldn’t I see he was extremely busy?
I have paid dearly by not listening to my instincts. I wasted a year out of my life. I began to doubt myself and question my worth. The hurt and disappointment from this “relationship” was awful. I’m out (and trying to stay out), meanwhile kicking myself for staying with him for so long.
If your man isn’t acting right, ditch him to the curb! And do not, I repeat, do NOT, go back to the curb and pick him back up either. Leave his sorry, emotionally unavailable as$ right there!
Judy February 18th, 2009, 9:08 pm
Cynnie, I am right there with you, except that I began to get my clue somewhere between 2 and 3 months in. If I had listened to my gut I would be a lot better off today instead of physically ill over my break up with my EUM 13 days ago. It is killing me and I keep fighting the urge to get my relationship crack. And boy the number they do on your head - while my self esteem wasn’t all that great to begin with, I’m now sitting here thinking “if only if I were….” and “what’s wrong with me?” “why not me?”
I can sit and tick off on page after page of paper why he is EU and the way he treated me and yet I’m still wanting desperately to have contact with him - as if that will somehow validate me. I have read Natalie’s book over and over - you’d think it would sink in, huh?
Karen February 26th, 2009, 2:41 pm
Hello Everyone:
Im wondering if the above Post relates to women who are emotionally unavailable? Can I be an EUW? Well.. here is the story: So I met this guy online, exchanged a couple of emails through the dating site, then proceeded to a phone call. Ive been taking the “im taking my time approach” getting to know you… It turns out the same week that we JUST starting talking on the phone..he was going away on vacation. It was very nice of him to call me from vacation but I also mentioned to him to have a good time and not to worry about calling me… to call when he could and whenever he got settled in from his day trips etc…. (I really just wanted him to enjoy himself) We had agreed to meet in person when he got back after the 5 day vacation. Not sure if I said something wrong but not for anything– I haven’t even met you in person to really determine whether or not you are someone I want to even date. I have learned a lot from this site and I am being cautious when meeting new men. I don’t think I did anything wrong but little by little after I made that comment— he sort of stopped calling and texting. So Im not going to pursue it any further on my end but Im curious to know…….if anyone thinks that I was seeming “uninterested” or just because I wasnt calling him often or texting all the time that I was seeming “unavailable” as this post indicates. I did call him and I left a message if his vmail picked up during his vacation but they were light (as i think they should be in the beginning) I wasnt like: Hi baby i miss you– hope you are enjoying your time — cant wait to meet you when you get back!– not for anything– but that seemed to be a little too much for someone who I havent even yet met! But do you think to him I was “not worth his time” because I wasnt calling and texting and seeming more interested? I dont think I was……… but perhaps an outside perspective sees it differently? It was less than a week that I was talking to this person and we hadn’t even met in person yet. I just felt that neither he nor I should be “EXPECTING” a phone call or anything this early in the game for that matter. TO me it should be light, friendly, meeting the person Face to face… going on some dates……before deciding…..hey– you are someone I am really interested in pursuing a relationship with further. Needless to say yesterday was his bday and I called to say happy bday let me know if you are still interested in meeting up one day this week. And he responded: My family and sisters want to take me out is that cool? And I answered… ofcourse… happy birthday and have a great day. Havent heard back from him and im taking that as “hint”. Not sure what happened here though.
Gaynor February 26th, 2009, 5:17 pm
Karen,
You didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t see how your actions make you an EUW????? I think too much energy is being put into this situation.
You haven’t met the guy and know nothing of his character , and yet you’re internalizing and throwing his lack of response back on yourself, maybe he’s just a flake/assclown. Hon, why are you ptting the blame on yourself??? Let it go!
Karen February 26th, 2009, 5:46 pm
I know your right Gaynor—im putting too much energy into this situation. I guess I just thought that we would atleast “MEET” before he or I decided that we weren’t interested. I can say the same about him— he hardly even got to know me or my character to decide… this person isnt for me. Well, I guess I can tell Im still a little vulnerable and perhaps not ready for dating yet if im internalizing all of this and not ready to take rejection so soon after leaving the A**clown.
Karen February 26th, 2009, 5:56 pm
Also– I guess I was asking if I was acting like an EUW because here is a guy that was calling me every day. Calling me baby and sweety… and I sort of wasnt recipricating the same in return— BUT ONLY because I barely know him!!! Is this a red flag as well… if you havent even met someone in person yet, only talked on the phone for a total of like 5 days and he’s already calling you baby and sweety? I dont know— it sort of made me think that that was a red flag? Or am I just a woman who has been with too many A**clowns that doesnt even know what a GOOD MAN or relationship feels like anymore and anytime a “NICE GUY” comes along— I question it or see it as a “RED FLAG”??? But then again If he didnt call me or text me back I would be saying that he is an EUM!!! This is confusing…..
Gaynor February 26th, 2009, 5:58 pm
Karen,
How long has it been since the breakup?
I think NML recommends a 3-6 month break from dating to get on track. We’ve got to heal ourselves before moving onto to others or we will repeat all the bad patterns, like self-blame.
Karen February 26th, 2009, 6:01 pm
it will be 3 months March 1st. I guess im just confused. If a guy is too nice its a red flag——- if a guy isnt nice/doesnt call you back or text back right away— that is a red flag too… or falls under posssibly being an “EUM”. So what is the happy medium?
Gaynor February 26th, 2009, 6:05 pm
Karen,
I think a guy who is calling you baby and sweety prior to a meeting is waaaaaaaaaaaay to familiar and disrespectful. This is strange and screams of an EUM to me. Big red flag!!!!
Karen February 26th, 2009, 6:10 pm
ok good. because i was beginning to think i was going crazy! Like I said– being on this site has made me realize that I need to be more “AWARE” when I meet men. Just also don’t want to be analyzing things too much to the point that I drive a good man away because im being too cautious.. thought I might be doing that but I have also realized that I need to listen to my gut more. Thank you!
Gina February 27th, 2009, 1:48 am
Karen—
I think we all go through this where we have to learn to trust ourselves including myself. Not only was the Baby/Sweetheart too much, the fact he was keeping in touch on his vacation was a bit much considering you two never met in person. A healthy man would probably just say he will get in touch when he returns to meet for a date… I attracted all sorts of crazies to me when I wasn’t preparred to date…
Gina February 27th, 2009, 1:50 am
Karen—
I think we all go through this where we have to learn to trust ourselves including myself. Not only was the Baby/Sweetheart too much, the fact he was keeping in touch on his vacation was a bit much considering you two never met in person. A healthy man would probably just say he will get in touch when he returns to meet for a date… I attracted all sorts of crazies to me when I wasn’t preparred to date…
An affirmation that helped me is:
I accept and trust you no matter what people think or how unacceptable it may be to others, in knowledge that “the only difference between a weed and a flower is judgement”… xo
Gaynor February 27th, 2009, 5:55 am
Karen,
I too agree that the communication over the vacation was weird.
If something seems off, it means it usually is. Follow your gut!!!
Stephanie April 3rd, 2009, 3:29 pm
I think a lot of what’s going on is limerent attachment, intense romantic feelings and as well, these guys remind us of our parents and how we were treated as babies (did we have a secure or insecure attachment, did we get enough consistent attention etc). So it’s a lot more complicated than just a guy treating you badly. I like that boiling frog analogy. I feel too it’s as though we’re an animal that’s being fed inconsistently and we are treated very well when we are fed but we’re starving the rest of the time. Yet we look forward to being fed because it feels so good.
I think a lot of us have also been dealing with emotional and psychological abuse. Shelters for women who’ve experienced domestic violence will tell you that even if a woman is being beaten she will focus on the honeymoon period when her guy apologizes and promises her the world. She’ll take the nice treatment that she gets 3 or 5 per cent of the time and ignore the way he is 97 per cent of the time. But in terms of the effects on a woman’s belief in herself, verbal abuse or neglect or push/pull behavior or outright hostility isn’t much different than getting slapped across the face or beaten. It’s a soul destroying experience.
It’s been nearly two weeks since I finally broke off with an EUM. I blew up over the phone. He’d been yelling and curt and downright hostile. It dawned on me that my child’s father (I left him nearly 11 years ago) had treated me exactly the same way and what was I doing repeating that pattern. So I was sad and grieved for a relationship I’d hoped I’d have with a loving, sweet man who I discovered does not actually exist. Then I wrote down all the times in these past eight months he’d made me cry and criticized me and acted inconsistent and unreliable. I though of the times when he stuck me with the bill (I’m a single mother!) and the times we could not get together because it was not convenient for him (it was always about him). His words nearly never matched his actions and he broke many promises. It helps to read what actually happened. I’m nearly 40 but I’d rather be alone than with a man who makes me miserable.
We “broke up” many times in the eight months we were together. This time he’s not calling me or e-mailing. A good thing because even though my gut screamed “Run, run,” he was good at apologizing and charming me. He will definitely be out of my system after a month.
The next time I get involved with a guy I will ask myself continually - is he adding joy or stress to my life. If it’s stress it’s time to go. I just need to learn how to end a go-nowhere situation. I find I’m not that great at breaking things off when I need to.
HadHumorwithoutJoy April 29th, 2009, 12:15 am
I’ve been reading this blog for some weeks to help me get rid of a toxic “friendship” with a ERM. I had been on NC for about a week, but he had some things of mine I needed back so I met with him today. Although i was interested in him romantically when he told me he was not available for a romantic relationship oh three months ago–I thought fine–I can be friends. However he never acted like a friend and would remind me that I was interested in him. After a e-mail exchange where he didn’t understand a joke I sent but tried to turn it into a drama, I realized I had to cut ties.
So the meeting today was ostensibly about a project we had worked on together, as well as getting my stuff, and he brought up the joke e-mail. I should say here that I asked for my stuff pretty early on so I could scoot–but he had left it at his office across the street from where we were meeting. I thought–yeah, you planned that so you parade me around your office as another vagina you know. So I agreed to get my stuff after he ate, but I was not going into his office. Anyway, he brought up the joke e-mail and I told him I thought he had been mean and wanted to create drama. Of course he said that he didn’t mean to and wanted to apologize. So I told him he didn’t need to apologize, that I’m over it–it’s water under the bridge. He continue to talk about the e-mail because he says he doesn’t understand–so I tell him that he needs to work that out himself–it doesn’t involve me and I don’t want to talk about it. Then he tell me we need to talk because my feelings are important to him. So I say well it doesn’t sound like my feelings are important if I tell you I don’t want to talk about it and you continue to talk about. Then he say he has to because I’m confused. That’s it, I think. I get up and tell him, I am going to my car across the street. When he’s done eating he can get my things from his office and bring them to me in my car. And I leave. Soon he brings my things to me, I say thank you and leave.
Our ‘friendship’ lasted about six months. I have not wanted to be in contact with him, since the joke e-mail because I finally realized how manipulative he is. He presents himself as a ‘nice’ guy and very spiritual, and is pretty smart. This site has been great to get insight on what i was dealing with and my own willingness to be part of the craziness. I don’t plan on dating for a few months until I get a handle on why I ignored BIG RED FLAGS and settled for crumbs. FWIW, I’m 52, never been married and have had ERMS in the past–so I want to change that pattern big time. Thanks to HAF and NML for posts and the many others who have made helpful comments. This site helped me kick him to the curb without guilt as well as give me some direction on how to change old-old destructive patterns. Thank you, again.
Oh, one last point, this ERM would ask how me how I was, and act like he was really listening/interested but the way I figured out he wasn’t is that he never asked specific questions about how I was doing, like referencing something i had told him earlier, except in the most general way. Friends and people who are really listening will ask about specific things and make specific comments when you talk later or in the conversation. He almost never did this.
Rose June 11th, 2009, 4:01 pm
Emotionally-Retarded Men: sounds good to me! lol
It’s true that it takes the drama away. Well thought!
Gloria June 12th, 2009, 12:41 am
I just finished reading this book called Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man, by Scott Wetzler. It made me understand the psychology of Emotionally-Retarded MenBoys.
I wasted 3 years of my life with such an ass, braking up every 6 months and then coming back “for the potential”. Well, the potential has to happen NOW or it’s like no potential at all.
He never introduced me as his girlfriend, never took me to his parents, never mentioned the word “we” when talking about the future, and all the while being insensitive “by accident”.
I argued, fought, gave ultimatums, suggested seeing a counsellor. He always agreed with me, saying I was so right, and then went his business as usual.
Some said that we are better investing in ou own lives investing time with our families and friends, developing our self-esteem by taking on challenges such as the career we always dreamed about, the trips we’d like to make, the charity we’d like to contribute to, the schooling we want to complete. This does more for self-esteem than waiting for crumbs from an imbecile.
I have signed an “Abstinence Agreement” with myself in which I promise not to relate to men who are not interested in me, and wrote several other clauses not to act so stupidly.
HOt Alpha Female: could you draft an “Abstinence Agreement” for us to read? You are one wise bird.
Rose June 12th, 2009, 7:03 pm
Exactly! What do you do that makes you proud of yourself? Are you helpful to your neighbours? Do you get invoved in your community? Do you develop your special talent? Do you plan to go back to school? Do you look after yourself properly?
That will build you more self-esteem than any outward approval or ego-striking from “him” or anybody.
It takes more courage to challenge yourself to become a fully-actualized person than to “win” a man’s love.
MHOГOTOЧИE June 14th, 2009, 9:58 am
Так забавно, но так банально…