If you’re a woman, then you’ve more than likely been on a night out when a guy has approached you and left you with long memories of your chat up moment, although not for good reasons. If you’re a man and you’ve done any of these things, you should give yourself talking to and take heed!

1 No Cheesy Chat Up Lines

This should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway. No cheesy chat up lines. No ‘Heaven must be hurting or anything about her father being a robber, and definitely nothing about fertilising her eggs. If you haven’t seen her before, don’t start up with shite like ‘Do I know you from somewhere?’ If she’s anything like me she may reply ‘Yes you have seen me. I’m the secretary at the STD clinic….’ Don’t do cheesy because women see right through it and it makes you look like a ponce.

2 Easy on the sexual references

Say anything that can be construed as overtly sexual. It’s one thing to flirt and give a woman compliments, it’s another thing when you start making references about wanting to f*ck her, get in her knickers, lick her nipples. No woman in her right mind would piss on you if you were on fire, never mind go out with you.

3 Act like a man attempting to get to know her, not a boyfriend.

Don’t act like her boyfriend before you even know her name. I’ve seen guys giving filthy looks and getting argy bargy with guys that look in the direction of the woman he’s trying to get with. Some women will see this as flattering but most will see this as someone who is more than a little bit odd and a potential candidate for a restraining order.

4 Don’t ‘release’ bodily functions.

Don’t belch or fart. This should be standard but you’d be surprised. Releasing bodily functions whilst trying to woo a woman will give a bad smell to her very long lasting first impression of you. Yeah, it’s kind of funny, but it’s also kind of foul.

5 Don’t assume and know your boundaries.

Don’t assume and be too forward. You’ve been talking to a woman for all of two minutes – Do you really think it’s appropriate to say something like ‘You don’t strike me as the reading type’ or ‘I’m surprised that you’re a lawyer’ Why, because her breasts are big? She has a small waist? The blonde hair?

6 No penis pressing.

Do not under any circumstances press your crotch against her backside by way of introduction. In fact, don’t press your crotch against her at all. Nobody wants to meet a guys erect penis before they’ve even seen their face. Have some respect!

7 Keep eye contact, not breast contact

Don’t talk to her breasts. This may be a massive revelation but breasts don’t talk back or have a mind of their own. They are a mass of muscle that us ladies love but none us like wiping drool off them or having our face, personality and intellect ignored for them.

8 Don’t mention the word ‘threesome’

Chancing your arm and making a wisecracking about a threesome between her and her best friend is guaranteed to alienate you unless you’re in the presence of a pornstar or hooker. It’s not funny and it’s not clever, it’s just creepy.

9 Don’t pretend that you’re not chatting her up.

Don’t start the chat up by saying that it’s not a chat up. You look like a right twat when you ask if you can see her again for a date.

10 Three’s a crowd.

Don’t have a girlfriend, especially not one that is in the same place as the woman that you are trying to chat up. If you already have a girlfriend, chatting up another woman is a major no-no. Doing it whilst she’s in the same club as you is completely disrespectful!

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