There are a number of things that really frighten me when I see a man wearing certain things and I feel that it is my public duty to lay down a few ground rules to help the male population.
Stop the Mr T Impressions
I pity the fool that doesn’t realise that wearing all the jewellery that you own makes you look like BA Baracus. There is no need to wear several chunky chains, with several chunky bracelets. Women are not impressed by the blatant display of your cheap knock off jewellery collection. P Diddy you are not! Just in case you need me to be explicit, if you own a chain with a ganja leaf, a medallion, an enormous signet ring, or a chunky bracelet with your name, you need to take them off and slap yourself on the head with them.
Spandex and Tit Tops
If the top you are wearing makes you look as if you’ve been raiding Baby Gap and gives you a pair of tits you didn’t have beforehand, take it off. Tight cycling tops a la Milli Vanilli, stopped being popular around about the time when they actually had to sing a note. And on the subject of cycling, cycling shorts have no place on a man unless he is actually on a bike, or on the way to the shower after being on a bike. Spandex on guys clings to unsightly places that don’t need to be clung to!
Shoes Do Maketh a Man
Why go to the effort of wearing a fabulous outfit if you top it off with a pair of shoes that look like something you’ve had since you were 13, or that just look cheap and nasty? £500 suit, £10 shoes – something is more than a little off here. Careful with snakeskin cowboy boots, white shoes, pimp style shoes, and wearing work shoes with going out clothes. As for shoes that make your feet look even bigger than they already are, don’t do it because there are very few women who actually believe that shoe size directly correlates with penis size, so you’re looking like Krusty the Clown for nothing.
Black shoes, white socks, hee hee
The average person when they look at a pair of black shoes puts on a pair of black, grey or navy socks. It makes sense and doesn’t make them look silly when they sit down and the trouser leg rises up a little. So how the hell does a man actually make the decision to leave the house in a pair of black shoes and white sports socks? Did they fall asleep the night before and wake up believing that they’d been put in a time warp back to 1983 when Michael Jackson was performing Billie Jean? Why didn’t they just put on the crazy 80s throwback MJ jacket and be done with it?
Black shoes and white socks whether they are sports socks or not, do not EVER go together. Even if your house has been robbed and for some reason they have taken every single pair of black, navy or grey socks and all you have left is white, don’t do it. Wear your trainers and stop off at the store on the way to work and buy yourself some black socks.
Jumpers & Nightclubs Don’t Mix
If you wear a jumper to a nightclub, leave it in the cloakroom when you enter the club. Unless you’ve been going to nightclubs with sub zero temperatures, you should be familiar with the fact that nightclubs are hot and people tend to sweat. Why would anyone in their right mind where a thick woolly jumper or a polo neck? Do you think it looks nice when you’re walking around with sweat pouring down your face and a jumper glued to you? Do you think that the smell of wool and sweat is attractive?
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