A duenna, according to my Funk & Wagnalls (dictionary, that is), is a lady who watches over a family’s daughter; a chaperone to a young lady.
What better way to avoid drama, than to bring a reliable coach and chaperone when you date?
Ok, stop laughing. Think about this. Take someone with you who has a vested interest in preserving your virtue. You can avoid unwanted or unseemly sexual or social compromises. But especially, you have someone to watch you and especially to observer and evaluate him.
Cuddling and sneaking gropes are all good and well. But a wandering foot in your lap doesnÃt mean he will be kind or control his temper. Instead of rebelling with intimacy, you force the conversation and social activity to remain at a polite level. Even as you wallow in the delights of his eyes, his manner, his regard, you are assured that someone will note any danger signals. And before you have to kick him out of bed, you get to figure out if he is a worthwhile risk.
I give it three dates. Minimum. You might consider continuing right up until you marry, or move in together. Maybe use a couple different duennas, just to have a good, balanced evaluation, a comparison of his non-bed virtues. He might treat the chaperone/duenna thing as a joke, or he might appreciate the chance to get to meet you without turning off brains to grope bodies. If he isn’t interested unless he has you halfway stripped and groped ñ well, you learned how much to trust his, ìWell, sure, I will respect you in the morning. Wink, wink.î
Pick a married woman, someone at least 10 years older than you. And never agree to evade her scrutiny while on a date ñ she is there for your protection, use her.
Flush out the any disrespect, any lack of discipline or emotional control, so the only casualty is his feelings and not your heart.
Duenna. Give your mother a laugh.
Add to favorites
It’s an interesting concept having a duenna for dating but not likely to happen. It’s quite outdated and we live in a very different world – trust me, if I had taken my mum out on dates with me, it would have been another problem to worry about. I accept that a third party can help to gauge the suitability of a partner but this is more listening to what your friends and family have to say when they meet him.
I think we should take our pets with us on first dates–my whelsh corgi Simon is a very good judge of character! 🙂
So, when did we go back to the 1800s? Sorry, I just don’t get this….?
NML, by my thinking, a mother would *not* be a suitable duenna. The duenna is there for a specific, focused task – to preserve the ‘daughter’s virtue. Instead of the word ‘virtue’, perhaps ‘safety’ or just ‘keep it polite and *thinking*, without groping distractions to disable making good choices.’
Mothers have a different agenda, and would certainly always be distracted by concerns of propriety, who is paying for what, grasping at gossip about his background, worrying about her daughter – or irritation at ‘opportunities’ the daughter misses to ‘catch’ a good looking or well to do guy. Family, or someone likely to gossip to family, would not work as a duenna.
And the point would be to make better choices, not to prevent sex.
Neither do I – Get This I mean. Are we out there dating potential partners without even being aware of basic guidelines ? I know I went head in even when the signs were clear that this guy was verbally and emotionally abusive. I should have put my foot down at the very first sign of the HUGE Red Flag, what did I do, tried to love him harder and give him more when it was clear he did not deserve it.
There are a lot of guys out there who are so good at what they do because they have been doing it for a long time to reel us in and when we are in hook, line and sinker – Mr. Ugly comes out.
We need to grounded, spiritually and emotionally and mentally and know who we are, what are values are and what we are looking for and what we do not need and then we need to have the balls to walk away when our Gut tells us
“Something is just not right”.
Hell mine was screaming for a long long time.
I agree, I think it’s important for us to rely on our gut feelings and red flags rather than have someone do that for us (if that’s what this article was about…?)
Brad, whom do you take on your dates? 🙂
I agree with NML, listen to your friends and family when they meet him.
I made a pact with my friends, any guy that I will be dating for 4-6 weeks, we all will meet for drinks together, if he declines for BS reasons, he has to go. With my “history” that also includes a cheating ex-husband, I can not wait months for him to meet my friends – I am still learning how to avoid these jerks what makes me still somewhat vulnerable.
AND – I will listen to my daughter, not saying she will meet every man I date, but just saying “hi” and “bye” to my date, she has a feel for people – male or female – I wish I would have that “talent”.
I dated a guy for about a month, very nice man, but no sparks on my part. My daughter really liked him and said, this is a man who is not hiding anything but I can tell you have no feelings for him. I broke it off with him, will never string a man along, that keeps him from finding the woman he will click with.
So, this man showed me and I believe it, there are good men out there, it is just a matter of finding the right one, BUT you have to let go of these EU men, married men and what ever his problem (that you can’t fix) may be and learn to enjoy yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I am still somewhat hurting about what happened to me or should I say what I allowed to happen to me – AND should “it” I hate to call him a man, make contact with me, I know that I will freeze or pass out. 🙂
When I look in the mirror in the mornings – I like what I see – I have more color in my face and feel better about myself.
The TENSION is gone!
Way to go Astelle. I can tell by your words that you are healing coz I am too. Yes there are good decent men out there and we need to believe in that which may help weed out the nasties. Things is we are never gonna fix anyone who does not want to be fixed no matter how much love we pour on them.
Astelle I know how you feel, I am still hurting too very badly. I believed he was the one and now to realise that I was just used, abused and tossed away. Sometimes I think we hurt because we feel and we are human, I would take that any day that never to feel anything.
Like all wounds flesh or heart, it hurts and heals at the same time.
I feel so light these days that I almost feel like I am floating, no more drama, tears, fights and life is constant want. Lets work for better for us.
I don’t know that I’ll take her on dates with me, but my friend and I (both of whom are notorious for picking EUMs) have agreed to be each other’s cock blockers. We will keep an eye on each when out and have agreed that sex will have to put off in any new dating situation. If I get weak, or vice versa, she is a phone call away. Kind of like a dating anonymous sponsor. Not quite a duenna but someone out there to be held accountable to.
I have cockblockers too, male and female. Male friends work GREAT for this. If you can arrange to meet up with friends, and that includes a male one or two…fantastic. Guys see through other guys bs better than we can.
And I don’t wait very long before having my friends meet a date…been known to ‘meet up’ with friends on the 3rd or 4th. You know, just before you start to get attached and just before, um…other stuff *wink*.
But as for a ‘duenna’? No. Not gonna happen. At my age, I could be the duenna. I shouldn’t be needing one. If I were 16 and meeting a strange man, definitely. But not in my 30’s…if my spidey senses aren’t honed by now, then I have no business dating in the first place.
I do support the text/phonecall/emergency eject friend though. One who knows where you are and who you are with. And you contact them at least once during the date. And when you get home. Especially in the early stages…very important and just smart.
I like the group situation too. Maybe a concert that you know others will be there, that kind of thing. But not a set up ‘duenna’ system. That’s not very practical, and can completely backfire regardless of whether or not he wants to get into your pants. Which they all do, nice guys or bad boys…nice guys just hide it better.