Once again the holiday season is upon us, which, for the majority of people, means spending time with family. For those of us who are single these holidays can be utterly cringe-worthy.

Married and coupled relatives of all ages and generations assume that if one is single, one cannot be happy and must be in great need of a partner. Offences by these coupled relatives range from questions such as, ‘Why are you single?’;’What was wrong w/ your last boy/girlfriend/spouse?’ and, ‘I can’t imagine what your problem is!’ to trying to fix you up with their co-workers, friends of friends, and sons/daughters of acquaintances, to threats such as, ‘Don’t you want to get married so you don’t grow old alone?’ to getting in digs about your sexuality.

My family lives in the Midwest where women are considered old maids if they’re not married by 25. I’ve reached the ancient age of 33 and not only have I never been married, but I haven’t had a serious boyfriend for nearly 3 years. My younger sister was married in August and they’re utterly dazed and confused by the fact that not only was I not upset by it, but I’m not in the least bit jealous of her. (How can you really be jealous of a woman who marries a guy with large man-tits?) According to them, my attitude is equal to blasphemy!

I am the ‘happy single’, an enigma to them. No matter how many times I try to explain it to them, they just don’t get it’¦my life and my time are my own. I do what I want, when I want, and how I want. There is no one to whom I must answer for anything, no one with whom to argue, no one with whom I must consult to make purchases. And, most importantly, I date and sleep with whomever I like. Life couldn’t be better as far as I’m concerned.

Far from being objects of pity, many of us singles should be (or I suspect ARE) actually objects of envy. (Although the marrieds and coupleds would never openly admit to it.)

How many of these married and coupled relatives are actually involved in miserable relationships? It’s been my experience that the very people who insist that I should want to be coupled, are the very people who are secretly wishing they were living a life of freedom I do.

My first Christmas home after moving to NYC, I had an enlightening experience. It was Christmas Eve and I was at a cousin’s home. As I sat at the table pigging out on Christmas desserts, another cousin was sitting on my right and her husband on my left. Both of them were having separate conversations with me whispering to me how much they envied me and my life in NYC, and that they supposed it must be very exciting and that they wished they were still single and living a life like mine.

Yes, singles’¦let’s count ourselves lucky!!! Let us rejoice in our freedom and our singledom this holiday season!

As for me, I’ve given up on trying to defend my position. These days I fend off their silliness by tuning them out as much as possible, and if all else fails I attack them with snarky retorts. Fortunately for me this year, my new job will not allow me to take time off to visit my family for the holidays. I’ve got a reprieve until next year. However, for those of you who will have to face the obnoxious relationship hounds this holiday season, if you’re not gifted with the gene of ‘piss-taking’ and cannot, therefore, defend yourself with witty retorts, I suggest that you DRINK HEAVILY!
Merry/Happy Christmas/Channukah/Kwanza/Festivus to everyone!

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About the author: After receiving a nice, wholesome upbringing in a typical Midwestern town of the US, this intelligent, witty, and frequently snarky chick, craving adventure, managed to receive her first real-world instruction on the streets of Paris. After that eye opening and somewhat harrowing experience, on a whim, she moved to The Big Apple where she was permanently corrupted. She’s an armchair psychologist and enjoys analyzing herself and others, while maintaining a deep appreciation for the ironies of life.

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