So in the short time that I have been giving advice through my blog I have had a lot of people ask me question specifically to do with their situation.
Usually it goes something along the lines of it.
There is this guy .. and he has cheated on me .. doesn’t respect me … is emotionally unavailable … is a womanizer … is an alcoholic … is mentally sick …
What should I do .. because I love him.
Usually I spend the next 4-5 emails trying to get these girls in line and doing my best for them to get some perspective.
So now I’m going to ask you guys a question: How badly do you need to be treated?? .. to finally wake up to the fact that you need to walk away? Or you need to set some ground rules? Or that you can find something better?
How much drama are you settling for .. by tolerating intolerable behavior?
If you guys want happy harmonious relationships in the future, the you need to start raising your expectations.
Start raising the expectations for yourself and raising the expectations on how you should be treated.
Here is the thing. Each and every one of you deserves a loving harmonious and fulfilling relationship.
Nothing less that that.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect. You should not have to share your man with some other woman. You should not have to share your time with other things, people and situations.
You deserve to find someone body who has his own life, but is romantically devoted to you. And only you.
And hey, I know it hard. Because when you are in a relationship, sometimes it’s hard to really know what is going on.
And that’s why friends are so important. Friends and family. Because sometimes they can see things that you cannot.
If your family are screaming at you to get out of that relationship then maybe you should start listening. On the other hand if many of them are questioning why you are breaking up with someone, because they think you are a really good match. Then you should also listen to their theory.
But sometimes what the best things to do is to take a step back. Have a little bit of a breather. Stop looking through that one telescope and start looking around.
Only then can you gain real clarity as to what is really going on.
And then you can decide on your next move … with some real perspective.
Drama free of course!
Your thoughts?
Hot Alpha Female is a new weekly contributor to Baggage Reclaim. She’s a vibrant twenty-something that loves talking about dating and relationships, as well as skiing and laughing uncontrollably.
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HAF, I see where you are going with this, but relying on your friends and family for advice isn’t really an option for me….I don’t think my friends care enough about me to really tell it like it is, and my family doesn’t really know a lot about my life. I guess what I’m trying to say is it really depends on what kind of relationship you have with friends and family in order for them to help out with relationship problems. In my situation, my friends are also part of my problem! As NML would call it, I am an “over giver”. I’m always giving WAY much more than I get back from my friends (and probably family, too for that matter). But I do agree with what you are saying. But then, sometimes it doesn’t matter what people tell us, we have to learn through the school of hard knocks!
“How badly do you need to be treated?? .. to finally wake up to the fact that you need to walk away?” That was the killer question – brilliant!
I have to agree with FinallyOverIt though that friends and family aren’t always an option, particularly for instance if the type of people around you don’t make great relationship choices themselves. It’s a fine line and ultimately it’s about developing enough self-awareness and self-love to judge our choices ourselves.
Great post HAF – I love the way you cut right through the fluff!
And, those of us who aren’t fortunate enough to have a great support system of friends and family, there is always our INNER VOICE to listen to, right? I know we all have one, but I think sometimes we choose to ignore it, especially if it is telling us something we might not want to hear, such as…..”what the hell am I doing with this guy? He doesn’t love me and treats me like crap so why am I doing this to myself…” etc., etc. My inner voice has been speaking to me a lot lately, and if I really listen to it, I then know what is right for me.
Hey guys
I am writing this from Asia, a hard place to go find therapy and support groups, Here everything is dealt with behind closed doors. We are told by our families that its a womans job to put up with this to ensure we keep a guy, yes its true. So we got women putting up with all kinds of abuse because they have got nowhere to go.
I guess that is changing now, I found this website and I am sure many others are too. It helps more than you think especially when one got no where else to go.
abuse@schlund.com
abuse@oneandone.com
Hey HAF
Thank you.
I do understand what you are saying though, in the end all I had to rely on was my gut feeling and mine was screaming ……
NOT RIGHT !
Hi Girls,
Thanks for all the comments. While i do say to look outside yourself and see what other people are saying. I do not mean you need to wholly rely on your friends and family.
All i mean .. is that you need to go whatever it takes to get a different perspective.
I guess i use friends and family as they were the first people that jumped to mind. I am making the assumption however that they are close friends and family and they only want the best for you.
I say that because every time i have brought a guy home and my parents told me their honest opinion of them. Some bad some good. The bad ones were always picked out and while i didn’t listen to their advice at the time .. it would always bite me in the ass further down the track.
N yes finally over it … listening to your intuition is always a number one priority!
Sindh : Welcome to baggage reclaim =)
Hot Alpha Female
I think when family and friends see you continuously going back to a bad situation, it is hard for them the hang in with you sometimes. I know my bf throws her hands up in the air when I tell her I have spoken to the MM. She is a good reality check but at some point they get tired of picking me up when I fall.
I agree with NML…definitely the killer question. My friend, who finally decided she was tired of being treated like crap, so needs to read this! Dude was living with her, not contributing financially or any other way, and then she found out he was having phone sex and sending naked pics of himself to some girl in Oklahoma. Really?
As her friend, I’ve always been honest with her about what I see in him. I love her enough to be up front. I may not always be able to control my own drama but I’m all over everyone else’s!
Cheekie – AMEN! I believe true friendship is just being there for someone period. Some people may say true friendship is slapping you up side the head when they disagree with you. I am all for honesty but I think as good friends you are there through thick & thin without judging. To me that is a real frienship. I would never judge someone else because I wouldnt want them judging me.
I have many acquaintances but very few good friends. The friends I do have are the best. The reason is this, whenever I fall, they pick me up. Unless I repeatedly trip myself up, then they cuff me upside the head. lol. That’s what friends do.
The best of the bunch just shine a mirror at you, and help you figure it out along the way.
9 times out of 10, if you have to ask someone else’s opinion about someone, well…you have already answered it. Meaning, if you aren’t sure about a guy you are seeing and you have to ask your friends what to do, most of the time you already know. You just need that validation.
I had a very dear friend who was in an abusive relationship. I knew for a full year before she got out (she had sworn me to secrecy). It was very very hard to pretend I didn’t know, but I knew that the risk of her being hurt further was greater. All I could do was be there for her and ensure her safety by giving her somewhere else to be , and help her get out when she was ready. Now, she is in a happy, healthy relationship with 2 beautiful children.
Sometimes friends just don’t know what to do or how to help. And some just can’t deal with the drama as much as we would love them to. It isn’t their fault. It’s just a different capacity for stress.
You know girls it reminds me of this quote.
Friends are those people .. that know everything about you .. and still like you.
You know what? I love that quote coz in many ways its so true.
Friends arnt just there when the times are good. They are there with you through thick and thin, through your highs and lows. Thats what real friendship is about.
Hot Alpha Female
Latest Post — Talk is cheap and so are YOU
Really enjoyed your comment Hot Alpha, can’t wait to check out your site!