In my post where NML’s Roughguide to a New Relationship, I laid out some guidelines for being able to access where you were in your relationship and certain behaviours that will ensure that your relationship stays on the straight and narrow. However, particularly with the rules of communication, these are not so easy to apply when you’re doing it all long distance.
Texts, emails, spending time on the phone will far outweigh your face to face communication and this is what comes with the territory. However, it’s what you’re talking about in these conversations that’s important. I know we all get frisky (phone sex) and insecure (emotional reassurance), however do ensure that your phonecalls are spent getting to know one another. Talk about your lives and what’s happening on a day to day basis. Non long distance relationships have to take the highs with the lows and the inevitable reality and if you don’t talk about the normal, mundane things, not only will you not get to know the real people behind each other, but you’ll build sandcastles in the sky which will make for false expectations, if and when you ever stop the long distance thing.
Use a webcam – not for dirty stuff but to build up more face to face communication. You can see each others facial expressions and if there is any dodgy stuff going on, you can pick up in body language.
Just like when you see each other all the time and he puts the focus on getting into your knickers, also be wary of any guy that you’re in a long distance relationship that talks more about screwing you. Just like women that have sex too early get their judgement confused, so do women that have someone doing the heavy come-on and making them feel like the most desirable person in the world. They need to be wanting to get to know you, not your knicker contents.
When you do see each other, don’t spend all of your time having sex. One, it’s an expensive booty call and two, the emphasis is far too heavy on sex, and three, you need to get to know each other and do other normal things.
Try not to get drama queen and projecting your insecurities all the time. Long distance means exactly that, which means if you can’t stand the heat, you should get out of the kitchen and stop drowning the poor guy in your insecurity. If all you do is worry about him shagging someone else, you don’t trust him enough and unfortunately long distance relationships do require that you take a rather big leap of faith. Insecurity is a natural thing in any relationship, when it’s kept under control and it’s dealt with rather than being wheeled out every time you’re having an off day.
A Quick Guide to the First 3-6 months
You should be speaking every day or most days.
Where possible try to do face to face by using a webcam when you can’t meet.
When either of you have the opportunity to go and see each other, you should. Make the effort.
Try to see each other at least once in a 3 month period.
You can only do long distance if you’re exclusive. Long distance is a lot of aggravation for a glorified booty call.
No girlfriends, very visible exes, wives, booty call girls allowed. If he still has any of these, tell him to bog off.
You talk about the future whether it’s one week, one month or even one year away. If he’s too afraid to say something about the following week, it’s not good.
You don’t just see each other for a shag. On the rare occasions that you do see each other, you get as much talking and non sex affection in as possible too.
You should have met at least one his friends.
He’s not afraid to invite you anywhere.
- Be suspicious of your long distance boy if he hasn’t told his friends and family that you exist.
As I mentioned in the original article, your brain should be screaming red flag and potentially ‘Run like a mofo!’ if he displays anger and aggression, he’s emotionally unavailable, got a dodgy attitude towards sex, he’s irresponsible, addicted to something, he’s controlling, plays the victim, he’s not over an ex, he has problems with his past or his childhood that he refuses to acknowledge or attempt to resolve, or he’s just plain nasty and spiteful. Acknowledge red flags and don’t bury your head in the sand. It’s when you don’t acknowledge them when they’re at their most dangerous. If you take red flags whilst on a long distance relationship, I think you’re mad anyway! Good luck!Add to favorites