Cheryl has been in touch with me on and off since last year. Here’s the situation:
Cheryl has a male friend, let’s call him Bob. Bob and Cheryl have been ‘friends’ for several years. She has supported him emotionally through his various trials and tribulations and was in love with him the whole time, but knew that he didn’t want a relationship. Naturally, being a Mr Unavailable, Bob not only had an ego massage on tap, but they also started sleeping together.
Cheryl assumed that by sticking at his side and showing her support, that she would be first in line when his various problems were sorted and he was ready for a relationship. In true Mr Unavailable style though, he announced that he had a girlfriend towards the end of last year…
Naturally Cheryl was furious and hurt and it was actually only when she expressed her initial annoyance that it ‘occurred’ to him that he might not have played this out too well. He was very keen to ensure that their ‘friendship’ wasn’t lost and told her that they should talk.
It was at this point that Cheryl first got in touch and of course I told her 1) they aren’t friends, 2) he’s a freeloading user that enjoyed the fringe benefits of having a besotted female friend that he could screw without conscience, and 3) I suggested that she step back, give this friendship malarkey a rest, lick her wounds, pull herself together, and work on moving forward and getting over him.
Instead, they “hooked up” a couple of times over Christmas, then she kept a distance, then he started bleating on about how he doesn’t want to lose a friend, then she said that she wants to be with him and yada, yada, yada, and they had a Big Talk where after three days (I did wonder if there was a torture camp involved) he said she was his soulmate and she was the one he wanted to be with. Relieved that he had finally “admitted” she was the one, Cheryl naturally thought that Bob would stick to his word, and end it with the girlfriend.
Right? Wrong of course!
He didn’t finish it with his girlfriend, because you know, it’s like, hard, because Bob like a lot of Mr Unavailables, believes that he is the centre of the universe and that he’s the only man who has ever had to end a relationship.
And so it continues and Cheryl keeps saying what she wants, walking away, coming back and he, get this, has even said that he’ll forgo them sleeping together if it means that they can remain friends.
Cheyl’s biggest concern seems to be wondering why he chose the other woman as a girlfriend and not her, and analysing/obsessing over the situation. She asks, “I mean, I understand that he is probably emotionally unavailable with his girlfriend (based on his cheating etc), but how was he able to take action with her and to continue to do so and care enough to get back together? How can I possibly not take it personally when it was just me that he didn’t and doesn’t want to be in a real relationship with?”
And where is Bob? With his girlfriend of course!
And this is where I have stepped in, because even me, several thousand miles away who speaks to many women over the course of the week, feels perplexed by the absolute madness.
Cheryl, he’s not taking any action with her. Having a girlfriend, cheating on her by having sex with you, and also telling you that you are his soulmate and how he is leaving her (emotional cheating) is not the act of a boyfriend who is taking action with her. In fact, he’s in No-Man’s-Land.
He’s not probably emotionally unavailable – he is emotionally unavailable.
You should take it personally!
You should take it personally that he is trying to be with you when he is with someone else and that he makes promises that he breaks.
You should take it personally that he has been sleeping with you when he has a girlfriend. But you should take it very personally that you don’t see what is wrong with the situation, you won’t be the one to walk away, and you are still trying to rationalise his behaviour.
You are focused on the fact that this man has a woman that he calls a girlfriend. She’s that in name only because you and him have been conducting a relationship behind her back!
You are seeking status. You want a seat at the top of the table so that he can call you his girlfriend. Why? So that he can then cheat on you with someone else? So that you can feel validated and vindicated for your efforts?
Here is the deal: However you choose to break up with him, whether you tell him, don’t tell him, whatever, you and only you can be the one to break up. It takes more strength from you than it does to lie back and accept a ridiculous situation.
He will be there, badgering you for sex and for your so called ‘friendship’ and breaking promises to you for as long as you let him.
This is a situation that you are creating and aiding and abetting, and you can walk away, even if you have to sit on your hands, or you cry for the first while.
But here is something: If you walk away he is likely to stay where he is, with her. He will chase you but if you don’t go back, he’ll still be with her because these men specialise in inertia.
If he left her and came to you, very soon after, he’d either start sleeping with the girlfriend he just broke it off with, or find a new woman.
Surely this would bother you, or are you so focused on the ‘prize’ that you don’t see the reality?
You don’t go from screwing a guy that’s effectively screwing you over, to the fairy tale! You can’t just erase his treatment of you! I doubt you’ll even be able to sleep easy at night because even if he told you he finished it with her, how will you know that he’s not creeping back there?
You are never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, going to be his one and only because this guy is an asshole and an assclown.
He isn’t your friend – he’s a spineless, cheating, deceiving parasite and you and only you allow him to behave as he does. She is clueless, you are not.
You can’t shag someone into shelving his girlfriend and replacing her with you – that’s ridiculous!
On top of that, he has told you what it is that he thinks he values from you…and it’s this so-called ‘friendship’. He would rather be your friend than do the decent, honourable thing.
What makes someone ‘girlfriend’ material with Mr Unavailable and what makes you the Other Woman? A surefire thing that puts you in the Fallback hotseat is that you don’t care that he has a girlfriend and you will be there regardless.
One of you seems a bit clueless and innocent, the other is all knowing and trying to turn the situation to her advantage…fruitlessly.
You’re the Fallback Girl because you have never asserted your better sense of self and not allowed him to take advantage of you. You’re the Fallback Girl because you allow men like this to disrespect you and you’re behaving in a disrespectful manner to yourself.
I am sorry to be so blunt but I think in a situation like this, it is the only option.
Stop making excuses for him and make the break. If you stay, you and only you are responsible for where you are.
Add to favorites
This is a sad story of being the fallback girl. I can relate because I have been that girl for my EUM for the past three years. They are such sad, lonely, messed up little man-boys who will never have a clue about their horrible behavior with women. And yet the pain they inflict is so damaging to all of us. I wish there was a bar code somewhere on these men that would flash “BEWARE EUM, STAY AWAY” so we could just walk right by them and never acknowledge they exist…..
That is so painful to read because it is what I have done so many times in my life.
Your site helps me see it clearly, and I feel such shame for my blindness.
I always asked ‘What does he think of me ?’ and never asked ‘What do I think of him ?”
Please let me be strong enough next time to realize that HOW ia am treated means everything, rather than deciding ‘I want HIM’ and ignoring all the red flags that go along with an unavailable man.
Let me NEVER decide to be the fallback woman again. NEVER, not out of habit or fear or insecurity.
Of course it’s painful…but true…I’ve been there so many times before also. At some point Ladies, PLEASE REALIZE THAT IT IS SOMETHING WITHIN US THAT WE HAVE TO CHANGE. As NML says and quite bluntly in this piece, THESE MEN WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, CHANGE. We have to seek solace within ourselves. Find what’s good in us AGAIN. I promise if you do, you won’t look back. Be the “Diva” that you are. A man will surley appreciate us for the strength and love we show ourselves. If he doesn’t, then tell him TO MOVE AROUND…KEEP MOVING…EUM’s have issues of their own, probably developed during their childhood. And the only way to preserve the rational that Mr. Unavailable creates for themselves is to build a “Shrine” to themselves in their OWN MINDS. Ladies IT AIN’T ABOUT US…IT’S THEM…THEY HAVE THE PROBLEM. LET’S NOT CONTINUE TO LET THEM DRAG US DOWN THE GUTTER THAT THEY ARE IN. Look at this way….If you have had dealings with an EUM’s then you know they are spineless creatures. It’ NOT OUR problem to try and fix idots that don’t want to be fixed. Love to You All…and Love Yourselves Even More…Dee
Cheryl, one more point to ponder. Fixing lovers and boyfriends is unethical.
Let us assume, for the moment, that your presence contributed to his overcoming trials and tribulations (let’s not get into ‘enabling his addictive behavior). That you helped him heal.
1. He will always see you as being involved with the ‘illness’ he ‘overcame’ (for whatever healing he actually underwent). He will see you as an ‘agent of change’, a powerful person, in some ways, that intimidates him. And keeps his frailties present in his life, daily even when he isn’t with you at the moment. Think of falling for your gynecologist. His relationship with you, after his ‘healing’ is about that weird.
2. Change is a ‘little death’. His old life is cleared away. He is no longer the buddy, the hurt puppy that you were first enamored with. And he will almost certainly continue to see you the way he did at first, in your original relationship. He will have changed.
3. Since he has been ‘healed’ – his needs for a mate or girlfriend have changed. If he did heal, then his ‘new’ girlfriend might be the person he needs in his life. Only you are still hanging on. Like a hospital that refuses to release the patient, until he gets sick again and you can again be the crusading, saving Nurse Nightingale.
4. You are queering the chances for a positive relationship – between him and the girlfriend. Regardless of your wants and desires, we have to respect the choices people make in their lives. He chose to take up with another woman – you should have been responsible enough to tell him, “That is wonderful news. I am sure you and she will be happy. Call me again and I will cut out tiny little pieces to adorn the thistle growing in my back yard.” Where he might have built a healthy relationship, now things are probably swirling in the toilet for all three of you.
5. You managed to mess up two other people, one you feel proud for having helped to heal. If you really wished him well, you would not be hanging around once it became clear he wasn’t going to be building a family with you. You would have sent him home to recover and rebuild a life on his own.
Now, all this assumes that in fact he did change or heal. I think it likely that NML hit it right the first time, and the second, and .. etc. That this guy is deformed. And that you are in fact enabling his continued antisocial behavior.
You are running away from your responsibilities. You are causing harm to the ‘other woman’, you are enabling him to continue evading his responsibilities and the expectation he will ever grow into a man. And you are living an unhealthy emotional life. You keep indulging your obsession when you should be grieving for his loss. Check out Sandra Bullock’s ’28 Days’ movie; it is schlocky, but demonstrates the denials and pitfalls of refusing to move on.
Yes, it hurts to give up. And ‘quitting’ is tough – every time you backslide into the old behavior, you (surprise!) have to start quitting all over again.
The way that real change happens, is for you to make a choice. Choosing to let him go (um, as in “throw the bum out”) is really the only way you will put this behind you, and begin to live a healthy life – one where, in time to come, you might find a healthy man to build a family with. Think of it this way. Suppose there is a man that is meant for you. That you will meet two years after your relationship with Mr. Fixit ends. How much longer do you want to keep putting off that happy day to come?
The best advice I got about my ex-EUM (aside from NML’s eye-opening common sense, of course!) , was from my 17-year-old nephew:
“Tell him to BOP!” (in non-teenspeak: ‘LEAVE!’)
It has to be done – walk away!
“If you stay , you and only you are responsible for where you are. ”
This is so true, I feel responsible for where I am in my ‘relationship’ with my EUM because I have chosen to be there. Sure I want it to be different but I have learnt from a long history of involvement with EUMs you can never change them, you can only be responsible for yourself and where you are in life.
I don’t really know what the wake up call is to get out of these situations, its probably different for everybody depending on what your tolerence level for ‘crap’ treatment is. Hopefully, for each of involved with an EUM this will decrease till we no longer even tolerate the sight of them.
Ps I saw ‘Sex and the City’ another Hollywood blockbuster that promotes the changing of an EUM (as in Big) to an emotionally open guy..
I’m going to attempt to defend Bob here, or at least some of the points above, just to keep this argument balanced.
Firstly, if Cheryl was friends with Bob for years, why did she not date or have boyfriends during this period? In other words, why was she waiting for him? NML tells us she was in love, but I have a hard time believing that’s the only reason. I mean, we’re talking years here. If she’s single the whole time and waiting for this guy, that’s HER problem. She needs to get a grip, become more confident and secure, and get her own mates. Period. Especially if he gets a girlfriend, she simply shouldn’t be making herself available sexually to this guy. Time to move on, sister.
Next thing. If they have a fuckbuddy relationship, there are rules there, and they have to abide by the rules and be honest with each other. One of the rules is that either one can start dating or get into an LTR at any time. That’s the price of the casual sex. He got a gf, which means she HAS to move on and find someone else. Again, she shouldn’t be pining for this guy or making herself available.
Yeah, Bob is a douchebag for cheating on his gf, but it’s both their faults that they’re in this mess. Don’t blame it purely on the guy. Confident women don’t wait around for flawed men to come around.
This is a brilliant post. I know because I’ve lived it. As NML often reminds us, being demoted from girlfriend to fuck buddy is simply not acceptable. And she’s got it dead to right when she says these men are addicted to inertia. Walking away may be hard, but not too long after, you’ll be happy you did. One day, while thinking about everything that transpired it seemed stunningly obvious: I was treated very poorly. And I have an obligation to myself to take that personally.
The gravy? These guys are so screwed up that everyone will figure it out eventually. Not because you told them, but because others have eyes and ears and they see how these guys treat everyone around them. They’re absolute crap friends because they only do what they want to do when they want to do it. And they’re so spineless that they’d rather see people walk out of their lives than have a difficult, honest conversation or alter their behavior to suit anyone but themselves.
AMEN! My ex-EUM proposed “friendship” to me, but he doesn’t seem to know the meaning of the word. He can’t get his head out of his @ss long enough to figure it out, and I’m done trying to teach him.
@Loving Annie – What a poignant way to summarise this struggle. Thank you! We don’t think about what our perception of things is because we don’t trust it or want to accept what we truly know. It’s more important to get the approval of these guys so that we feel validated. But you validate you.
@FinallyOverIt – Oh you’d be a billionaire if you could invent it!
@Dee – Amen, amen, AMEN! It’s broke and don’t bother fixing it ladies!
@Brad K – Cheryl believes that she is ‘owed’ a relationship with Bob – he’s part of an arrangement he didn’t know he’d made. If we give our friendship, ourselves, we have to give whole heartedly and if Cheryl had communicated her expectations many years ago, much of this could have been avoided.
@China Blue – Classic! Great saying!
@ Tulipa – Eventually, most of us have an epiphany moment – that unavoidable realisation that changes your perspective of everything and forces you to take action. The sad reality is that if we don’t sort ourselves out, life can be very sad.
@Lance – I don’t doubt that both are at fault. Much of this situation is of Cheryl’s creation – no doubt about that. BUT, Bob, is a total douchebag assclown. She is single and foolish, he is attached, selfish, and opportunistic. Oh and spineless. But this is why I say that you don’t go down the FB route if you’re trying to get to girlfriend – talk about trying to make a silk purse out of a pigs ear!
@FakeItTillIMakeIt – Love it! You are so RIGHT about how these men are truly perceived. They have no integrity and are completely selfish and one day they’ll wake up and realised that they are overgrown boys, alone, whilst others around them have move on. That last line was a killer – sing it!
@FinallyOverIt – Seriously, these guys have egos of mass proportions!
I read this woman’s dilemma and what i read was my situation in a nutshell. I was with a man that at first didn’t know he had other women he was dealing with and when i found out freaked out. to make a long story short i confronted him or at least tried to and all i got was cursed out got told to stay away and never call his house again. yes when everything first went down i tried reapeadtly to contact him by way of a letter and several emails to which i have heard nothing back from any of them.
since then it’s been 4 wks of NC. i feel better now then i did 6 wks ago though i am not 100% i know in time it will get better. does all this mean that what we had is over? for the moment it is until the day comes when he needs something or has something goes horribly wrong in his life or one of the women he is messing with doesn’t put put or whatever then and only then will i hear from him.
I know that this day will eventually happen. it will be up to me to the strong one to send him on his way and end the maddnes once and for all because he won’t. why should he if he knows he will always have someone like me waiting in the wingas for him.
We have to be strong for our selves because we aren’t nobody else will be.
thank you Jen! because this is all so true its hard to addmitt to yourself that you are the other woman. But when you figure out that you are a better person and deserve better you can start to move on.