Lord knows they are far from perfect themselves, but just so you stay on the right side of them, this is my guide to the behaviour that will get you canned or at least have him feeling super wary of you!

Of course they forget that they’re partial to a bit of bitchiness themselves, but men don’t like it when you get bitchy about other women. They just don’t get it and they can look at us in a very different light. The same thing goes for sentences that include annoying phrases like ‘All men are’.

Letting It All Hang Out
They may read porn, visit strip clubs and leer after semi clothed women but they aren’t too keen on you leaving the house with your boobs hanging out or your skirt skimming your wotsits. Equally they aren’t keen on us wearing ill-fitting clothing that causes us to have rolls over the top of our clothes, making us look like over stuffed sausages.

Tide Marks
Not the stuff in your laundry but more the make up on your face. If you’re prone to looking like you’re auditioning as an Oompa Loompa, or you forget to make sure that your neck is the same colour as your face, the guy may be having a little cringe to himself. Wearing make up to bed and leaving it all over clothes and the bedding will only suffice to add to the scariness.

Let The Ex Go
Guys are understanding but not that understanding. They really aren’t interested in listening to you slag off your ex, no more than you would be keen to listen to him go on about his.

Having No Appetite
He takes you out for dinner and all you can do is pick at the dinner you’ve ordered or languish over a salad. Being fixated on not eating or the food content can wind up a man who is keen on his meat and two veg (not the ones between his legs).

Lots of Hair
Unless you know that he likes body hair, as a guideline your armpits should be shaven and the bikini line neat. If he has to part the hair to get near your bits, you’ve got too much. I think they can live with stubble on the legs, but seeing armpit hair ruins your lovely outfit.

The Teddy Bear Explosion
Guys don’t like going into the bedroom and having to clear away a shed load of teddies off the bed before they can have his wicked way with you. There is something that screams ‘little girl’ about lots of teddies and if you don’t want him to go limp on you, I’d put them away.

Being a Pisshead
Far be it for me to mention that they get drunk themselves, but guys do get turned off by you falling over on your back with legs akimbo and your knickers on show, whilst you slur and have your face fall and act like a lunatic. Men are very practical and protective and if you get like that around him, you can imagine what he’s thinking happens when his back is turned.

Don’t Be a Glenn Close
Displaying characteristics which make him have the nearest psych ward on speed dial will do you no favours. No man wants a bunny boiler for a girlfriend and much as I feel that men are a pain in the arse, don’t do it to yourselves. Acting like a deranged psycho will have you on your own quicker than it takes for the egg timer to let you know that the bunny’s boiled.

This is a strange one, but a lot of guys cringe when a woman swears, particularly if it’s coarse. He probably won’t comment on it generally, but try to avoid prolific swearing, particularly if it’s directed at him, and try to avoid the C word as that really makes him shudder.

‘Acting Up’ in Public
It can be difficult after an argument to act like you’re a super couple in front of everyone and pretend that everything is hunky dory, but that’s what a lot of guys like. It’s not easy to be a cold fish and hide your feelings, but this is what they’d prefer. Likewise, cussing him like a fisherwoman in public or causing any type of scene, is a one way ticket to cringeville and singledom. He may stay with you but he will be nervous and repeated offences will kill things off.

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