In case you hadn’t guessed already, I’m taking a break. I’m currently on the Spanish island of Majorca on our annual holiday and will be taking some more time out on my return so that I can continue to reboot but to also catch up on some behind-the-scenes stuff.
Eleven years ago, I didn’t know, love or like myself very much and it culminated in me being told that there was no cure for the disease that I’ve now been in remission from for ten years as of this month (yay) and that I needed to go on steroids if I didn’t want to keel over by forty. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to have kids and as you all know, I was also grappling with woeful taste in relationships and chronically low self-esteem due to the way I saw myself in relation to childhood experiences. I kept looking for love in the wrong places, searching out my father and even my mother in Mr Unavailables.
I’ve been on one hell of a journey since I walked out of the consultants office in August 2005 with my head held high, determined suddenly for the first time in my life, to fight for myself. I needed to get in command of me. I had no clue how I was going to get better or how I was going to improve my life and I’ll be honest, I got home and thought, Oh feck! What the hell do I do now?, but fear of going down a road I’d already been down or never actually living and enjoying the life I’d been given, far outweighed my fear of taking action.
I made a commitment to myself that I must honour for the rest of my days: to love and take care of me.
My life has changed beyond recognition and I have been guided and supported by trusted folk who have stretched and mentored me as well as a wonderful gang of people around the world who have been following my journey at different stages. I am incredibly blessed but do you know what I’ve discovered over this past couple of years in particular? A part of me, which has been revealed as my work has gathered pace and visibility over the years, has been playing it small.
For anyone who still thinks that self-esteem is a destination, I can attest that it’s very much a journey and that along the way, life will throw you pop quizzes, walk the lines, or lots of these all together in your own Road of Trials, where it feels as if you keep being tested and you’re almost going, Are you fecking SERIOUS? Have I not been through enough? I’m still tired from the last go-round! Do I need to remind you about what I went through in childhood or the heartbreak I’ve been through or my last Road of Trials? This is not fair! I’m a good girl. Why can’t you go after someone who does “bad” things?
The thing is, you end up being tested in such a way that you not only learn a hell of a lot along the way that will help you to live and love better in the future or to even cope with whatever the future holds, but you also as a result of going through these trials and tribulations, discover a part of you that you did not know existed. It’s more of you to love.