I’m so proud to say that Baggage Reclaim has been going strong for eight years. Happy birthday!
When I first embarked on this journey, I was in the early stages of an awakening about who I was and why I’d been doing what I’d been doing. Less than two months before, I’d realised that I was in another barely there relationship where I’d lost my ability to speak up for myself and ask what the chuff was going on, or make my boundaries known.To add to it all, I’d found a lump in my neck on my 28th birthday, been told that I had to go on steroids for life and then grappled with the alarming realisation that I’m the only person that shows up to each and every scene in my life.
I thought that it was ‘just me’ who seemed to gravitate to ambiguous relationships that started out hot and then shifted into lukewarm and cold. Up until that summer, I’d assumed that I was having not only a very extended run of bad luck, but that something about me turned available guys into unavailable ones and brought out people’s shady sides, which in hindsight I realise is inverted ego issues, after all, not everything is about me! I knew I had daddy issues, mama issues, and that I just wanted to be rescued. I knew that I didn’t like me very much and writing my then personal blog had proved to be cathartic and I was seeing me in a different, more compassionate light. When I casually referred to my realisations about my issues, I wasn’t prepared for the outpouring of ‘me too’ from people all over the world and it still continues to this day.
I’m not alone and neither are you. If you think that you can’t overcome a difficult childhood, parents with alcoholism and other addictions, abandonment, feeling like the odd one out, being taken advantage of and abused, not knowing who you are, being trained to suppress your opinions and feelings, being bullied, hurt, rejected, repeatedly criticised and berated, failing, poor choices and the list goes on, you can. I’m not saying that it’s easy but don’t let that stop you because I can assure you that it’s a damn sight easier than trying to get other people to fill you up and trying to right the wrongs of the past.
You have as much of a right to be here, to a future, to opportunities as anyone else. It’s never too late to choose you.
There was a time when I thought that I’d end up worthless and good for nothing, a tape that had been playing since my childhood. I thought that my past excluded me from the option of a happier present and future. I figured that I, my past, the whole family history thing, was too effed up for me to go down any other path except for pain. There is another path. There is another way.
Being seriously ill all of those years ago and pursuing other options, forced me to be more open minded. I’d been inclined to be more ‘fixed’ in my thinking than I’d realised, with an unwillingness to deviate from the idea that I had no worth and that I was doomed. Realising that I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to help myself if I clung to thinking that hadn’t been serving me, forced me to open myself up to other possibilities and see the world, instead of seeing the world as a reflection of me. What was the worst that could happen? That I’d learn something new and like myself a bit more? That I’d be responsible for my own happiness instead of feeling powerless through my attempts to control the uncontrollable?
Eight years on and I’ve grown and so has Baggage Reclaim and the wonderful community of readers that I share my journey, insights and observations with. Currently read by well over half a million people per month, I love that BR, my message and the often straight no chaser comments from readers, is making a difference all over the world. I hear from readers in far flung places, big cities, towns, villages, and even countries where BR is banned. I love that many of you send me emails to let me know how your lives are going and that so many of you are discovering the great you that’s always been there and that you’re going on to find healthy relationships, to finish that book you always planned to write, to start new careers, to pursue your education, get married, go travelling, have babies including fostering and adopting, to start new businesses, rebuild old relationships on new foundations, and are getting more adept at flushing shady behaviour and distancing yourselves from shady situations and people.
Thank you for helping to make Baggage Reclaim what it is and for being a huge part of why I’m able to do what I love. I’m very blessed and I feel as if this is what I’ve always been headed towards. I look forward to discovering what else lies in store for me.
Love and big squeezy hugs,
Nat xxx
Holiday Update
It’s the end of my summer holidays – boo and yay! I’m pooped like I was at the start of the holiday but I did have a fabulous time. No, I didn’t get to do everything that I wanted to do but I probably would have needed a few more months off for that. I feel mentally rested though, which is the main thing and I really appreciate everything that I did do.
- With school runs and getting our house onto the market though, I felt wrecked by the weekend and was in bed by 8.30pm each night watching Breaking Bad and Mad Men. I also managed to squeeze in some reading so it’s been a relaxing weekend despite going to view five houses on Saturday – I think Em and I are already feeling house weary!
- My baby Nia started school on Friday and we spent a lovely last day together on Thursday at the London Transport Museum and strolling around Convent Garden where she kept trying to give my money away to street performers…. I think she knew how big a day it was because she snuggled into me on the train and kept telling me how much she loved me. She was a bit anxious but on the day, she pretty much raced through the door, only looking back briefly to give us a shy wave. I think I exhaled after we dropped her off at school as that’s when the whole week started to catch up on me and by 1pm, I couldn’t keep my eyes open!
- I’m pretty certain that I’m going to be in the US during the third week of October. I need to iron out the fine detail but I need to come to New York to shoot the pilot for what will hopefully be my new show and I’m hoping to go to a couple of other places too, so of course I will be arranging some reader events. It’s likely that I will also need some readers to help out with the pilot – more info to come as soon as I get it!
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Congrats Nat! On your continued success of BR. Eight years strong and i wish you many more years to come. I have been a avid reader of BR for about 6 months now and i have been slowly sharing my story as of 2 months ago. It was March 8th at 4:18 a.m when i finally had my moment. I had been up since 2 a.m. crying my eyes out i mean real tears with sound sobbing snot included, me trying not to wake my daughter in the process.I was a mess!! my heart could not take much more of this i was as low as i could possibly be in my life and my relationship was over. I was tired and i had enough!!!! NO MORE!!. I google how to get over a break up and your website was among the top ten searches. Best decision i could of made in my life. Your blog had me within the first paragraph. I was not alone and here are other women and men that knew what i was feeling at the time. I exhaled and began to release and realized what color shades i was wearing lol. Everyone has helped me so much you have given me a place to let it go release get help a little push maybe a little kick in the bum as well lol. I have a long way to go but it gets better. I appreciate you NAT,BR AND THE FAMILY!!! Bless You!!
Yay! Happy Birthday Baggage Reclaim and congratulations Natalie on such a successful blog. Reaching half a million readers a month is huge. This blog held my hand for the last three years while simultaneously kicking my butt into gear to keeping moving forward and grow. I’m so grateful I stumbled upon it while searching for answers after my epiphany relationship and break up.
California is a long way from New York, but if you come out this way, I’d love to attend any event you have. Good luck with the pilot. Sounds very exciting.
Thank you for what you do. xoxo.
Selkie of the Sea.
Sooooooo glad I found your blog – both for what you write, and the lovely supportive people who comment. Keep up the fabulous work 🙂
Congrats Nat!! Happy for you and I am also glad to have found your blog. It helped me to see clearly what I needed to do with a really difficult situation and brought me back to a place of peace. I will look for you in New York 🙂 No doubt you are headed for massive success!
Congratulations on 8 years of Baggage Reclaim!
Thank goodness you did not decide to give up blogging once you had your life on track.
I can’t recall how many years I have followed your blog probably 5 and a half years. For me your sharing has had the drip drip effect obviously I had more lessons to learn since I put my hand back in the fire more than once.
Thank you, Natalie, for all your wisdom and all the best for your new endeavours. I bet it is far more than you ever dreamed of.
Most of all thank you for your no bullshit stance.
Congratulations from Newfoundland Canada! I spread your gospel far and wide around here. You have helped me get through a difficult time and to choose healthier relationships. I look forward to the TV Pilot! Fancy a visit to the most easterly point in North America? That would be awesome!
8 years is a LONG time for a blog. Good for you. Congratulations.
Happy Birthday!
Your blog helped me breeze through a lousy relationship,end it and never look back-all in record time.
You’re the best.
Thanks so much.
Congratulations Natalie, on 8 years of Baggage Reclaim! This site has been my saving grace. I came here nearly one year ago with issues galore, so much confusion, pain, and doubt, devoid of confidence and worth. Being able to share my story and reviewing the stories of others with similar experiences has given me the strength to open my eyes, stop the denial and get real. I really appreciate all the feedback, some of which I didn’t want to hear, but sorely NEEDED to hear. I am eternally grateful for all the wisdom, encouragement, and support when I needed it most. Thank you Natalie for your awesome work, and thank you to everyone on BR for being so revealing of yourselves!
Eight years ago was about the time I had to go West, take a new job which led to the end of my marriage. I was alone, suddenly barely making enough to live off of, in a very expensive town. Due to my extreme loneliness and vulnerability, I found myself disappeared on by one doyche, stalked by another, attempted rape by a third (I knocked him down). Then came breast cancer. I literally felt the place was going to kill me. I thought I was ugly, a misfit, doomed to be alone forever while the ex got to move on. Hell, everyone did, including the would be rapist. Though I still have feelings of extreme loneliness, of being doomed, I understand one thing; it’s not always me; some people just suck. I recently had a good friend withdraw from a job due to bad publicity about a previous position. She had tough decisions to make, she made them and suffered the consequences. What she said so resonated with me as it mirrored my experience, I told the truth about an environmental issue, cost folks in power money, was threatened physically and emotionally and stuck by my words. I could have done boring research, written equally boring papers, stuck by the status quo, and still have had my life if not my conscience. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts like hell, and may affect your life forever. I well may be alone for good. The sad reality is that there just are so damn few older, educated guys out there that have their lives in order and are actually available. And if I ever apply for a job, at my level, my lack of a first author publication record and why will always be questioned. Every time my friend applies for a position in her field, her past too will always be there. That doesn’t mean we should bow down, we should settle. Ever. I am gratefulto have a good roof over my head, access to woods, a goodjob, and that I was able enjoy 12 years of a wonwonderful person in my life. I am one of those folks who had alcoholic parents, was abused. Family was not nor will ever be a source of anything good. Most folks with my background do not get nearly so far in life. I have learned so much from BR, especially everyone’s comments and past posts. None of us should go quietly into that deep, dark, night. Many other sites DO tell us we have no or little value (especially us older kicka$$ chix), that we deserve little, that it is our fault. This site is a wonderful, insightful, alternative. Chi Miigwetch (many thanks), Nat.
Thank you Natalie and congratulations, BR has kept me going through the last 7 months of trying to go no contact and having him not leave me alone…I come on here to get my strength back, regroup and carry on.
So big hugs from NZ.
Congratulations Nat on your 8th year! I came across your blog a few years ago looking for answers on what I thought was a relationship with good potential that turned sour (hot, cold, shady behavior with hidden agendas). When I stumbled upon this website and read how much you, I and thousands of other women all over the world have similar experiences, past, backgrounds and so forth, I became a follower at that moment and have been a fan ever since.
Happy birthday BR and congrats Natalie on a great 8 years, of which I can proudly say I have been around for almost 3! And my new niece’s birthday is the same as BR? An excellent omen for little her.
As I wept recently over the uterine tumour diagnosis, my mom and sis suggested I join an online support group. I told them I already had one. I love how I now feel I share the new ups and downs of my life with friends who have been there and know me, friends with whom I have never had to censor myself.
Coming here consistently to explode with joy or to break down crying, or to check in on regulars, or to enjoy the latest helpful article has helped me see myself through a lens of what it’s like when something/someone is there consistently. BR, you’ve seen the best and worst of Magnolia! And yet you keep being worthy of my trust, respect and admiration. THANK you.
AND I was serious about wanting in on post-pilot development/story team action! Let’s hope you get greenlit for a full season wherever your heart desires!
Happy bday!
So good to read there is hope despite all the angst. But a lot of work. Daunting. The alternative is not any better, so, I’ll continue trying.
I’m a commuter train ride away from NYC. Would love to know more about the pilot project!
Congratulations, Natalie, on your 8 year run!!
Congratulations Natalie! I’m one of your many, many fans (me and my gay best friend, too!) and you’ve helped me so much. Thank you so much for starting this blog.
Eight years and going strong is an achievement indeed in the often ephemeral world of the internet!
I stumbled across this site when I searched for how to write a polite ‘thanks but no thanks’ email after a coffee date. It really isn’t an understatement to say your writing has completely turned around my attitudes and thinking after numerous unhealthy toxic relationships.
I keep a number of your articles and reader quotes, as well as my core values and boundaries on my phone so I can refer to them whenever I catch myself thinking in the old unhealthy mindset or engaging in unproductive patterns of behaviour. I’m a work in progress and BR is a big part of the progression.
I can’t express enough what a wonderful resource you have created and how much it has helped me. Thank you!.
Congrats Nat! You are an inspiration. I searched “emotionally unavailable dating patterns” and your site came up. Thanks to you, I have learned so much about myself and finally understand nobody will love you until you love yourself and what that truly means. I never really saw my poor decisions were my problem and didn’t realize there were so many messed up emotionally unavailable men out there that constantly make you question your own sanity trying to understand them, but by finding this site I found peace in realizing so many women have gone through this, and that it is best to find somebody you do not have to change and that puts you first, love that isn’t sacrificial on only one end. I finally “get it” why I have failed so many times and now vow to wait for the right person to come along and be alone while bettering myself until someone WORTHY of me gets my attention. Wasted too many tears on hopes for changing a man, but thank to you, you have changed my life and I now see things so differently. And for that I couldn’t thank you enough!!! Congrats again!!
Nat this post have me sitting here with tears of happiness for u and your accomplishments, also hope that one day I can say I am a balanced well rounded woman.That my situation well change even though that means for me to get a grip and permanently shift people out of my life.
I know it takes work, time and alk t of effort on my end.I have to be ready 100%, to be able to embrace tge shift that’s needed in my life.
Congratulations on 8 years with BR!!! Natalie, you are an amazing writer, and I feel so grateful to have found your blog. Thank you so much for everything! Please keep doing what you’re doing for as long as you can – I can’t imagine my life without BR!!!!!!!!!
What a milestone for you! I think your dedication, hard work and your unique insights are what have made BR such a success. What a feeling it must be to have helped so many people, me included. If I hadn’t found this site over a year ago I would still be with an assclown who was using me. He showed up 2 weeks ago and thanks the advise from BR, I have learned and gained wisdom, I have no interest in him and slammed the door in his face. Soon it will be a year of NC (at least on my part.) I would have taken him back if it wasn’t for you Nat and wasted even more time. Happy Anniversary. Thank you for helping me to free myself and work on me. It isn’t easy, but it is worth it.
Yay! 8 Years! Congrats to you Natalie and again, I can’t thank you enough for this blog and the words of wisdom and strength that have helped me so. I’m excited to hear more about the new show!
Congrat Nat and I want to use this medium to say a massive thank you. If not for you and your blog, I would still be chasing after my EUM who takes every chance he gets to take advantage of me (especially financially). I bought all 3 of your books and The NC rule has been exceptionally helpful for me… It’s made me realised that I would rather commit sucide than spend another minute of my life talking to my Ex. Although I still have a long way to go as I really don’t find the guys I meet attractive. For now I think I’m just gonna have a long break off the dating scene and enjoy being single cos TBH I don’t think I want to be in another relationship just yet. Thanks again and god bless
Hi Nat and congratulations! Just wanted to let you know that your blog has completely changed me and my life in the last few months, first through taking baby steps, then, when I started liking the results and liking me because I realised that I could do a lot of things I previously was too afraid to even contemplate, it all started moving forward in leaps and bounds. I had so many light bulb moments! Every decision I now make as a result of reading your blog has strengthened my confidence and ability to deal with challenging situations. MY WAY. Which is pretty much the only way I feel comfortable with, lol. And it only took me 53 years and your blog to figure it out. Thank you so, so much!! And a massive thanks to the extremely supportive reader community who have helped me a lot, too. I feel like I have discovered the fountain of wisdom in your articles and the comments. Seriously.
thank you so much for all you do, nat!
BR shattered my mind because all the characteristics of EUM is what i believed was “just how men are”. the hallmarks of shady relationships you described is how i thought all relationships were. i thought all the crap that happened to me was the normal ups and downs in relationships and nobody was perfect. i didn’t realize that all of the relationships i thought i had had in my adult life so far weren’t even relationships at all.
at first, i figured since i’ve cocked it up every single time so far i must “just not be good at the relationship thing” so my lot was the complex, barely there type dalliances.i thought i was lucky to have any guy be interested in me at all as a too skinny ,less desired minority in a foreign country.
i never felt i was one of the happy people. it always seemed that happiness was for a certain type of person i was not so i took what i could get, brief moments of joy from EU ppl interspersed between them blowing cold or me freaking out and avoiding them. i lived on bite size morsels of happiness cos i didn’t think i was able to get the real thing cos of some core personality type i had decided i have. and because i didn’t think i could get it, i told myself i didn’t actually want it and it was stupid anyways or didn’t exist (classic five year old response).i experimented even further with finding increasingly modern ( read: self esteem busting) ways to be “alternatively” happy aka miserable as a polar bear in the summer.
this site was realistic positivity and didn’t make me feel like i was excluded from some secret society of the eternally happy clappy.this is the first blog i have ever read that made me challenge my own pigeonholing of myself and made me think happiness, REAL ACTUAL SUSTAINED HAPPINESS ,can be for me too even without changing my entire personality.
Just found this site today and it’s just what i need atm. I have been the other woman for over two years, my mm ended it with me because i diddid not take his call for two hours whilst out with friends and my children. I love this man with all my heart but after reading other ladies who were the other woman i am going to stay strong, start living my life again. I am scared of the future.
Martini, don’t be scared, read Nat’s “one false move” post. Oh really? You didn’t answer the phone? What a load of crap. Get a backbone. He’s a user. Keep reading and reading. I did and it’s ten months since I broke up with an assclown. thank God for this blog. Read all you can and you will find out that you are worth so much more than crumbs. Go ahead, do it! Hugs to you! Lucky
Nat,
Happy BR Birthday!
And if you haven’t watched The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret, pleeeeease do. You won’t regret it! It’s very, very funny.
The ex and I watched it together, but who cares!? It’s still funny with or without him and probably more so now that he’s gone because I can truly relax with myself and enjoy!
Oh for goodness sake Peanut! The assclown (not “MY” assclown Tink, lol) and I watched that show too, don’t know anyone else who knows it. It is full of hilarious cringeworthy moments. Hope school is going well Peanut! If I survived art school, you can too!
Hahaha, Lucky. There are still newer posters and even some who have been around for awhile, still don’t get it. And, not surprisingly, their comments reflect difficulty ending it or trying to maintain NC. I maintain that as we THINK so will our minds and behavior correlate. “MY” – ugh!
ha peanut, sounds like the story of my life. I’ll check it out.
I have finished that book and sent it to a competition; I am getting rid of all cruel people; I am putting on make up every day, I am trying to hold my gaze for more than 1 second in the mirror, I have enrolled to a swing course, I’m planning my way out from a shitty job situation. It’s been a slow upwards ride and now it’s gaining momentum.
Still a lot has to be done: I have written an exam on sat, if I pass then I’ll be able to enroll to a master, if not…well, I’m trying very hard to build my strenghth and face the failure, and try again next year. I am also scared that I’ll forever be alone, but I’m also keeping far from men for now, far from my “beloved” EUM and AC, and concentrating on me.
It is sometimes easy, sometimes hard, but much much better than it used to be, because I am sometimes actually happy and calm and positive. Amazing for me.
Luckily you Nat and you all have been here. It’s an amazing world out there, with so many strong and caring and compassionate women.
Keep dreaming, don’t let them hurt you, keep being warm and welcoming as you are. I’m trying 🙂
Yay, Layla!!!!:)
Happy Birthday BR and a huge THANK YOU Nat. Can’t count the times I could have sung “last night BR saved my life with a post” to the tune of Indeep 80’s hit. You and all BR community really do make a difference. And now, some years later, there’s a real me living a real life, spreading your words and your teachings to whoever may need them (and we are many) back here in Spain. Keep it up!
Congratulations and thank you so much for this blog.
It helped me so much when I was the other woman, being drip feeded the truth and finally discarded like a piece of garbage when I discovered that he was engaged all along, being put on silent treatment.
Your blog helped me see and prevented me from going back or putting all the blame on myself.
Now I know that it wasn’t about me. It was about him.
You gave me a lot of strenght.
Please continue writing.
Happy BR birthday Nat. There are massive things in store for you, without a doubt. If you need anything from this BR reader, just say the word. It will be the least I can do to repay you for the gift of my returned sanity. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…Natalie Lue, brain surgeon. Re-wiring defective neurons worldwide, one post at a time. GO YOU GOOD THING xxxx
Happy birthday Nat! Your words of wisdom have def helped me through a few rel hurdles and really helped to get my values and self esteem on track – thank you so much!
I just had a question about my latest ex who did the whole hurtling quickly out the gate thing (lots of dates and pushing to meet friends) in a few weeks, and then saying he wanted a casual relationship with me only. Does this mean he is EU or just that he doesn’t want a serious rel with me? I am trying to get to the point where I don’t care!
I’ve been reading for about 8 months, and this is one of the few blogs where I truly want to respond to other people, talk with commenters etc. NL has fostered a great community of thoughtful and engaged readers/commenters and its always great to come here. I often think about cognitive behavioral therapy ideas when I am on here, and so this blog reminds me to think creatively, positively, honestly [all of which are very hard things to do indeed, and a reminder a day or two is needed to stay on track].
Suki- You don’t know how your simple advice on other post has helped me! I’m still poor at problem-solving but I did follow your advice on putting up action-oriented notes and now have a live-in position with fixed hours and above-average pay for a live-in. This position will give me hands-on experience toward my career goal.
For those of you who have prayed for me, supported me, and sent me warm thoughts, thank you!!!!!
Thank you, Nat, for creating this wonderful website. I stumbled across it last year while trying to make sense of my latest relationship disaster. I confess I’m still making mistakes, but at least I am so much more self aware now. And, even though I do take the wrong road some of the time, I know why I’m doing it and I don’t beat myself up anymore!!
Light, love and happiness to you and yours 🙂
Happy Birthday BR, and congratulations Natalie,
When I came here over a year ago, I had gotten myself into such a mess as the OW to the OW. After all the help and support from you and BR readers, I have managed to break away from the exMM, and I am now back together with my husband – we have moved back in together. Thank you to every single person who has responded to my posts, and helped me on my journey. I wish you all the very best.
I mentioned this blog to a couple of people, and I think they may have figured out my identity, so I have not posted recently. I am thinking of you all, regardless. Runnergirl, if you are out there, I hope all is going well with your campaign. And Lilly, my little sis on BR: I hope everything is well with you, too. You will always be my “NC sister”, in my heart forever. Love to all, Learner xo
Natalie! Happy Birthday to your 8 yrs of helping those of us who needed it desperately and perhaps still do. Unfortunately, I cannot remember how I found out about BR, but I remember I was in a very dark place after flushing the MM. It was one of the saddest times of my life and I had come to the realization that I had to make some serious changes within myself. It’s about 2 1/2 yrs since I first arrived and in that time I’ve come a long, long way. In a lot of respects I am a different person. It is long overdue. I’ve shared many situations here and found solace in not only sharing but finding that I was not alone. It’s a wonderful experience to be able to write it ALL down without fear of revealing identity and receive loads of feedback. I’ve found cyber friends here who have cared about how I’m doing just as I have gotten quite involved in their stories, as well. Why am I still here if I’m doing a lot better? Because, I know I still have work to do. Your blog has helped to make me a much more strong, secure person and I want to stay that way. BR offers me ongoing support and reinforcement. I’ve come to understand the components of a healthy relationship and learning to avoid those with goals and agendas which are not compatible with mine. Thank you so much for all that you do. I’m hoping I can meet you or at least lay eyes on you (if I can’t get through the crowd to say “Hello”) when you come to New York. It’ll also be an early BD present for me. Can’t wait for more details on your visit.
I’ve been reading BR for the last year. How I wish I could rewind the clock back and use what I’ve learned with the woman I loved. Unfortunately our parents often don’t teach us what we need to know about relationships because they don’t know themselves and just went with the flow and stuck together through ups and downs. Ahhh, I had such great women in my life and lost them because of my ignorance. Will I do it different next time? I really hope so.
Congratulations on BR anniversary, Natalie. Please organize a seminar in New York, I would really like to come.
-M
Congrats on 8 years of blogging. I’ve seen good blogs come and go in half that time, but yours serves such an important role, I hope it’s here to stay.
The blunt, yet compassionate insights from someone who has been through similar things as me (as all of us, really) is a true source of comfort AND direction. It’s not just commiserating–but learning what I need to do! Thank you!
Congratulation, Miss Natalie! 8 years!!!! Woohooo!!!! What a great accomplishment. And just look at the number of lives you’ve touched and altered in a positive way.
I was thinking back (cue the “thinking back” montage) of when I first stumbled upon BR. It was actually around 4 years or so ago, and ironically, it wasn’t because of a romantic relationship, but I was pointed to your site via another site on how to deal with narcissistic people. (I had a best friend who exhibited signs of narcissisim, so I was doing my “Am I cray cray or is this really happening?” research.) Anyway, I found your blog and laughed my ass of (while nodding my head, and saying “Sooooo true” under my breath) as I read. I was shocked that such “revolutionary” 😉 ideas were on the ‘net. I mean *gasp* telling women that they *gulp!* didn’t have to settle for assholery?? Are you suuuuuuuurrre? 🙂 What a great, refreshing (and true) concept. You got balls, my dear. ‘Cause let me tell you, no one else is shouting in that empty room. I’m glad you are.
Please post if you decide to come to the West Coast of the US!!!! I’d love to meet you and give you a big squeezy Italian hug!!!! (Ahem…that is if that’s within your personal boundaries. See, I’m paying attention! :))
Love,
Revs
Congratulations on 8 years! I started reading this blog as the wife of a MM who had been having an affair with an OW who wouldn’t go away. I’m slightly different to many other posters in that respect as I came here to try and see why a woman (or man for that matter) would continue to be in contact with someone, and even have sex with them, when they were clearly deceiving their wife/husband. I have learned alot about the dynamics between MM and OWs and why NC seemed to be so hard for the OW in my case and why my MM was an AC, EUM and all those things.
The OW in my case couldn’t seem to cope with the fact that I was real and that her MM went home to me and in the end, wouldn’t leave me for her. I want to post your book to her as her birthday is next week but not sure it’s a good idea.
lola- I’ve neither been an OW nor married but I suspect the book would go in the trash if the OW suspected it came from you. She’ll probably see it as a slap in the face or a sword through the heart. As much as she may need the book, the timing could be wrong if she’s not ready for the truth.
Aw, I´d say no, Lola. You don´t want to be compassionate towards the OW your husband was involved with. Because 1)it will probably lead to more drama and 2)you will distract yourself from the subject you need to deal with most urgently: you! In going over the feelings of the ones who have done you harm, you are putting your hurt aside and not healing. This is probably a strategy to make things easier for yourself, but in the end it will only damage you more.
I´ve been in your position and I´ve done the same thing (only in the end my husband left me for the OW). I tried to understand him, to turn all the feelings of betrayal, jealousy, loss, anger and sadness into something logical. So I tried to convince myself that it is perfectly natural for someone to get bored inside a marriage, and after all I didn´t stimulate him all that much as I was busy with the kids and blah blah… So in the end I was blaming myself for his lack of character, which was like killing my already damaged self-esteem. When I should´ve just felt the anger I felt towards him. And her, of course.
thanks both. I know it’s not a great idea and I suspect it will backfire. I’ve dealt with myself and learnt alot, also from this blog too (so I didn’t just learn about OWs and EUM). I am in the process of trying to be less interested in the OW and ramping down my hate of her. Sending the book would be some sort of revenge I think too as she presented herself as sooooo confident and such a great person when clearly she had issues if she was prepared to be second fiddle for so long and put up with being alone and waiting for my H’s next call.
I just wanted to say thank you so much. I found your site after a 2 year relationship ended with a flip flapping EUM who broke my heart. You have been invaluable in not only helping me get over that experience, but in teaching me how to avoid that kind of situation ever again. A great example, recently I ended it with a guy I had been seeing for two months – the first month had red flags in that he was a bit too into me so early and talked all about future plans, etc a bit too fast then the second month he stopped making or committing to any plans and wanted everything last minute. I recognized the problem within that month and ended things right away this time (thanks to you!) In the past I probably would have stuck around for months or longer hoping he’d get back to the way he was the first month. Now this type of behavior turns me right off. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
Oh Natalie, reading this post made me cry.
It must be 15 months since I found the site whilst googling “Why does he blow hot and cold?”
What I found was so simple and yet so earth shattering. It gave me the strength to leave that relationshit and to stay away.
You would think that was the end of it but in fact it was just the beginning. I began by analysing the crap out of “him” but thanks to your wise words and the support of the amazing support community here, I realised it was myself I needed to analyse.
I realised that thanks to an alcoholic father and narcissitic mother I had no boundaries, and had never even considered that I might have them, or be entitled to any.
I went LC and eventually NC with my totally toxic mother and am so much the better for it.
When my father died last year I was able to mourn his loss honestly.
By establishing boundaries I have gained so much self esteem and started a new career. Today, my boss told me he is leaving and wants me to apply for his job!! A year ago this would have been so unthinkable I can’t even begin to describe. But today, yes, I thinking, what the hell Tabitha, you go for it girl and you give it everything you have.
Finally, I stuffed up big time with a girlfriend recently. I was unkind. Unintentional but unthinking and it was totally my fault. My instinct was to put my head in the sand and make myself sick with worry whist doing nothing. But with my BR education in tow, I was able to “woman up” and call her to explain and apologise.
I have changed so much and it is all down to you. Honestly Natalie it really is. I have become the person I always wanted to be.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
congrats and thank you so much,you have changed me so much in the last 12 month,s its unreal.i love the blogs,ive read the books and finally I feel free and in a happy place x
Oh, Nat, huge congratulations! Thank you for being willing to make yourself vulnerable on here so that others can find help. It’s a lesson I am always trying to learn. So many things about your blog have helped me – and I have laughed so many times! I love your phrase ‘lather, rinse, repeat’ and ‘flog that donkey till it collapses’!! Keep reminding us with those funny catchphrases of the things we need to remember. Many blessings xxxx
Happy birthday, 8 years strong and congratulations on your new show. Glad to see that all things are possible.
Thank you for helping me too through all your writing and videos I’m on my way to becoming stronger and setting boundaries. People pleasing, no more. I’ve met a guy who I’m being myself with and he still likes it. Taking my time paying attention to code behavior and finding common values. Early days and I do have fears and I am feeding my worry fish once a week, haha, however I’m not allowing it to take over my mind.
Happy birthday once again and congratulations.
Nat,
Thanks from me too.
Your insights have been such a revelation, into my own and other peoples AC and EU behaviour. I would probably still be hanging around waiting for crumbs (rat droppings, more like) from the MM, knocking myself out interpreting and overanalysing his gnomic, cryptic (er meaningless) utterances, and torn up with anxiety. Thanks for helping me stop bullshitting myself. Life is still difficult but at l am glad to say I am calm and able to focus, which I certainly was not when I found this site.
You have a great gift for cutting through the crap and getting to the truth, and communicating it simply and clearly.
Mymble, lol @ rat droppings. Once the ex assclown gave me a box full of paints with, did you guess? Mouse droppings in them! Worse than crumbs….way worse, Lol
What a lovely present.
Can’t count the number of times this blog has saved me from feelings of loneliness and depression, and helped me maintain NC (though not this last round, because I have not been tempted to break NC this time around). I first came across this site back in September 2012 (didn’t start commenting until recently) when my ex first broke up with me (at the 3 month mark of our pseudo-relationship). I was starving myself back then, crying my eyes out, but still maintained NC for 2-3 weeks, until he texted me. But during that time, this site helped me understand what had just happened, though coming to terms with it and finally letting go happened only recently, after the third break-up (in June 2013). His pattern was a break-up every 3 months. I realize now, thanks to your blog, Nat, and your book, the nature and dynamics of our “relationship”, and that I was a passing time candidate. I sometimes even go back and browse old posts and read old comments from people. It’s such an amazing resource for everyone who has ever had such problems and is confused and wondering what is going on, whether she’s going crazy or if he really pulled that crap on her (they are often masters of gaslighting). I, like many others, found this site when I googled something or another (I think what got me here was a google search about being the fallback of a commitmentphobe or dealing with a narcissist). Thank you and happy 8th anniversary! 🙂
Lara, your unfortunate experiences have helped me too. Almost eerily similar. Ugh.
Lucky_Charms,
I’m glad I have been of some help. I like sharing my experiences because I know how much I have benefited from reading those of others. The things I’ve read in some people’s comments here have made me wonder if we were either dating the same guy, or if there is some AC manual that they have all read and are putting into practice. At any rate, sometimes it also helps to go back and re-read my old posts on this blog. I’ve definitely come a long way, and it’s very very reassuring, to observe your own progress and see how far you’ve come along. It would’ve been inconceivable for me to even let go of my ex a year ago this time. In fact,exactly a year ago now, he had broken up with me and was in Thailand, f*cking that prostitute-gf of his. He is in Thailand now, too. It’s funny how things change so little as far as some people’s behaviors are concerned… But while he has not changed and will never change — and will always be an AC — I HAVE changed a lot. I have become more confident, assertive of my boundaries (with not just men but people in general).I really do not think this would’ve been possible without this blog. I read it religiously, and this sense of solidarity amongst all posters here makes me feel so happy and relieved. In the past, I would’ve gone off and read stuff about Thailand and the news on Thailand, and jumped on anything and everything negative about that country, because I was so obsessed with it. Now, I don’t at all. My thought process, and people’s comments here, and reading BR have all made me see the light, and realize that it’s the fact that he’s a sh*tty person and a creepy AC that made him go to Thailand for sex tourism in the first place. He’s the culprit, not anyone else. It’s so nice to be liberated from that obsession (as well as the obsession with the ex). It’s like I replaced one obsession (with the ex) with another (Thailand). Now, I am focusing on myself, working on myself, doing my own stuff, getting my act together, making new friends and dropping old ones who I feel have disrespected me, etc. One thing I have been struggling with, though, in asserting my boundaries — maybe because all this is so new to me — is knowing how much assertiveness is enough; i.e. am I going overboard with it? I don’t want to be / come across as a jaded person. One example to illustrate this:
A friend invited me to a karaoke event (his gf’s bday) and at first I accepted the invite. Then, I realized that a guy who is not on good terms with me, was also invited, and had indicated that he was going to show up (most likely with his gf). His gf had forced him to remove me from facebook and stop talking to me at all, because she thought something was going on between us (only in her head). Anyway, the guy removed me from FB, and offered to reconnect in the future (if things did not work out with his gf?). I declined and told him I don’t want people who disrespect me as “friends.” Anyway, when I told my friend that I wasn’t coming to his party after all, and he asked me why and I explained, he told me “OK, cool.” No expression of regret or attempt to convince me to show up, etc. I felt rather offended, but I am not sure if I was creating unnecessary drama. I felt like it was a bit disrespectful. I guess I’m not sure what I expected him to do; I didn’t want him to uninvite that guy, but I was hurt at his response. I told him basically that I don’t consider him a good friend anymore, and that good friends wouldn’t be so dismissive and unapologetic and treat me as so easily disposable in exchange for the attendance of others at the party. Maybe I was being too harsh, but I am not sure. I felt rather hurt, though. Was I wrong to feel hurt in the first place? I am always questioning my behavior and not knowing whether I am being too harsh on people because of my terrible boundary-busting experiences with my ex. This guy knows about my ex, and how badly he treated me and was one of those who urged me to leave him. I told him yesterday, that I would not accept ANYONE, including him, to treat me the same way my ex did: i.e. to bust my boundaries. Maybe I was overreacting. I guess it would be nice to see Nat do a post (if she hasn’t done so already) on the problem of going overboard with boundary-enforcement for people who are new to the whole notion of having boundaries (like myself).
Thank you so much for creating the most helpful resource I’ve come across!
Congrats Natalie!! And I hope you´ll be around for the next 8 years to come as well.
I can honestly say that before BR I was blind as mr Magoo, now at last I SEE. Which is, I think, what some people sing in church. So my conclusion is that you´re a Godsend; thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!
CONGRATULATIONS, NATALIE!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Thank you seems inadequate for what you’ve done and are doing for so many of us around the world. If it weren’t for your blog I wouldn’t have known what bad behavior/disrespectful treatment was. Like kookie, I, too, thought it was my lot in life to only attract crumb throwers without knowing they were throwing mere crumbs. Yet, because of BR, I’ve improved my character and found out that no, I’m not doomed because it’s not my fault bad men are bad men. Because of BR and this wonderful Online community, I can now recognize bad men better (not there yet) from the get-go so that I can say “no” from the get-go without guilt. Also, I didn’t know if I had anything worthwhile to contribute here because of my inexperience in the dating world yet BR is so much more, I found out, than a mere “dating” blog. It is as Ms. Determined described–“brain surgery”. Everything that affects the human person is welcome here because the company we keep, careers/positions we hold, choices we make are indicative of our own relationship with ourselves. Thanks to posters here in addition to blog posts, I’m having a sort of…paradigm shift…if this makes any sense at all…
Thank you, Natalie, for your courage and the strength it takes to be vulnerable in sharing your painful experiences and what you’ve learned through them so that others can learn and grow as well.
I’m in California, too, so I hope someone or an organization can sponsor you to come out our way! I would really love to attend one of your workshops! 🙂
Dear Natalie,
Congratulations and happy birthday to BR!
How I wish I’d found you 8 years ago. I dipped my toes in to BR waters about a year ago but didn’t fully engage or learn. However I learned enough to realise how very wrong the last dating experience was, and I got out of it with the support of other BR readers. That support has been invaluable.
I realised that I wasn’t just having a run of bad luck, and now I’m facing the problems I have. I’m not in a comfortable place at the moment, but I’m safer and on the right road.
It’s heart warming to read your success story, and those of your readers. It gives those of us lagging behind hope and strength.
Thanks again Natalie and all the team here!
Mary x
Congratulations! Happy 8th anniversary!
When I first found BR I was at my wits end trying to make sense of my life and the AC/EUM that had me running around in ever decreasing circles and me thinking I was just plain crazy.
Your blog posts were an absolute revelation and got me back on track, gave me back my dignity, my self esteem and got my old boundaries back in place.
Like other readers, I print and keep the posts that mean the most to me and I read them when I feel myself slipping back into old thinking and habits.
I can only add my heartfelt thanks with all the other BR people that you decided to go on your public journey of enlightenment.
More power to you Nat!
Happy Birthday and thank you.
Hello! I am from the states and came across your site two years ago but haven’t had a chance to comment, i can def relate to your story as i was abused as a child, struggled with low self esteem and had a health issue that manifested as a result.. Your site has been extremely insightful, you are a very wise woman! thank you for putting it uo
Natalie,
Thank you for BR, your wisdom and compassion. You have saved me. Sending my love and best wishes for a wonderful future ahead of you xxx
Wish I could say I’m doing great but suffice to say I got hit with some new stress (I’m going to have to move soon, not my choice but ultimately better for me– just bad timing and $ stress) and that inspired me to do something selfdestructive: I contacted the ex before last (from two years ago) to say hello via email.
Wtf?! I know!
I’m very aware that that was an attempt to get an ego boost while I’m feeling more depressed than usual. I feel bad about it, that I didn’t just sit with it until I realized what I was doing and NOT do it. Can’t undo it now.
So, Nat, everyone, I am still learning this BR NC stuff. It’s been a very long month and a half. But very glad I found this site. I’ve done a lot of reading and have a lot more to do.
On a side nite: Karen, your avatar/image is really cool but I can’t see it too well on my phone. Is that an Airstream up in the air?
Dear Natalie,
Congratulations and thanks. A thousand times thanks for putting your wise and kind information and advice out there.
I know that finding your blog was the catalyst for change for me. I can’t imagine how much harder it would have been without it. So grateful to you.
And thanks for all the smart and funny input from all you lovely peeps, esp the occasional advice re good books to read etc. Gold.
We just don’t have to be the passive object of anyone’s bullshit. And as an added bonus, since I stopped buying into any manipulative and shady behaviour, I know that I am not unwittingly passing it on to others.
Natalie, I just hope that one day I will be able to see you with your own no nonsense television show.
Cheers.
Oh, come to Texas, pleeeeease?!
Okay, I’m done groveling. That will be the end of that. Do what you’ve got to do to make what’s sure to be a gem of a show happen!
Congrats on all your success Natalie Lue. You really have an outstanding body of work. I’m glad I stumbled upon it.
I swear that, Nia, kills me dead, kills me dead every time you mention your babies. I just melt.
Maybe some day I’ll have some little peanuts of my own or maybe just one little baby peanut. We’ll see! Who knows!?
I swear that Nia is going to be a world leader and S is going to soften the world with her beauty and delicate sensibilities.
You are no doubt a fantastic mother to all your creations: your girls and BR! You ought be proud.
Happy birthday BR and many, many thanks to you, Natalie. Your blog is the one I never fail to read.
I’ve got lots of inspirations from it over time and through your posts some of my wounds healed. Best wishes. x
Natalie – Congratulations to you!! I have such deep gratitude for your straight forward, humorous, wonderfully brilliant insight and wisdom. I am so thankful for your journey and how you have shared it with us that have so needed to see our experiences through yours. I spew your wise words and phrases to those I care about and suggest your books and blogs out too.
I discovered your website about 7 months ago during a very emotionally tumultuous breakup. I ordered THE book (I have read and marked up that book like a madwoman!) and oh how it has changed my life! I recognized so many things about my epiphany relationship – future faking, red flags, hot and cold – and how all his behaviors as Mr Unavailable go hand in hand with mine as the Fallback Girl. I then recognized other things in my past relationships that now make sense. I am on the path of personal growth and with your help can look forward to a loving, caring, honest and respectful relationship with someone someday. I can only imagine where I’d still be if not for you – in a state of settling for crumbs, still having him on a pedestal, confused because his words and actions don’t match. But my growth has been progressing and I thank you sooooo much!
I am also so grateful for this forum. To learn from other posters. To be able to share my story and have caring feedback. I love this community and am grateful for YOU Natalie. You deserve all the good in your life. Your story is inspirational and your heart is huge. Thank you for being honest and vulnerable in revealing so much about yourself so that others can use your experiences to heal themselves. <3
Hi Natalie,
Congratulations and happy birthday to BR!!
I discovered your website 07th September this year, the morning after the MM I had been seeing for three years returned to his marital home after having left for three weeks. He didn’t have the balls to say he had returned, and left no apology- he just ran!!
I was in the gutter. Then I found BR and within a few hours I had ordered your book and contacted a counselling service. I had my first session this week and it’s the best decision I have ever made!!
I am angry with myself today as after ten days of NC, he got in touch yesterday which ended up with about three hours of telephone conversation. He told me he made the biggest mistake the night he returned. When I asked him what he had done to rectify that, he said nothing (except in his head sort out his finances- wtf??!!) After the conversation he sent me a text wishing me a happy future and the relationship I deserved. I replied and wished him a happy future and that genuinely included him and his wife. He immediately called to say that his future won’t be with his wife. I was left thinking- so you say you am a mistake leaving me, to be with someone you don’t want to be with??? Cheers for the shot of self esteem!! I kindly told him that there was too much water under the bridge, and that it would be too late for us to start a future together as I would never trut him..
Then I realised that it had been two days since I had been on BR.. I haven’t finished the book yet, but BR helped me maintain the NC prior to yesterday, as well as realising that he is not only a physically unavailable man but also EUM…
I’m going to try not to be too hard on myself over the fact that I even gave him the time of day yesterday and keep reading here….
Thanks again Natalie and happy birthday BR!
Hi, Natalie! Congratulations for reaching your 8th year! I’m so happy I found your blog. Reading your articles has really been a big help to my healing. I was in an on-off relationship with this guy for more than two years. Recently tho, we decided to finally end things. It hurts, but there’s no other way but forward—we both cannot continue to hurt each other, as this will not only drain all our energies but the love and respect we have for each other as well. Thank you for your words of encouragement, and for reminding all the girls (and maybe even guys) that the only way we can love others is by loving ourselves first. More successful years, Nat! God bless you! 🙂
Nat, thanks so much, it’s true, your words of wisdom have given me strength & a realisation like your other readers. You have amazing powers of observation & you articulate so well the goings on that it resonates with so many people. Thank you so much, your help has been amazing. Adding in the humour makes us realise that we have to move on & get on with out lives quit dwelling on the narcissists actions that font match words.
Lola – I often thought if doing something similar cos I never really blamed the OW, I think she was tricked by my husbands lies too but in the end I thought fuck it let her work it out herself I don’t owe her any support. Nats advice about looking after #1, namely me, and working on me is spot on.
All the ladies on this blog it’s a real learning experience & I want us to focus on the fact that not all men are AC, N or EU there are many good people out there in the world.
Happy Birthday :),this site has been invaluable to me over the last few years, thank you so much for keeping me sane 😉 xx
I have a dilemma. A good friend of mine is just entering into the role of the Other Woman. She met him at work and liked him. But she soon found out that he was married.
A few days ago she was drunk and made out with him. Now she’s continuing to see him although she says she knows it won’t go anywhere and she knows it won’t get around because it is in “his interest to keep it quiet”.
I feel disgusted because she was the one I poured my heart out to after getting cheated on. She knew how much pain and depression I went through after finding out my bf was with another (multiple) girls.
Yet she thinks it’s okay to continue. I want her to stop and to tell her to grow the eff up. How do I approach this?
Oh and happy birthday to BR! This site has been absolutely invaluable over the past year!
Just her,
She NEEDS BR DESPERATELY! Can you get her to check out NML? She’s about to be in deep sh*t and can’t see it?
Congrats Nat and happy birthday ! To say thank you seems so not enough: you’ve lifted me from a gutter, comforted me when I was all alone bawling my eyes out, told me that I am not crazy and that I am worthy on my own.
Yes, read self-help books, other blogs, scientific articles on EUM but nothing hit me in a head like the ‘No Bullshit Diet’.
From a weak, quivering and what I thought, crazy woman I took your advice and now my life has changed completely: I don’t allow toxic people in my space, Thanks for the courage to be open about yr experiences, share it and be real.
Hugs and blessings to you and yours!
Many thanks to my gentle soul sisters, I wouldn’t be able to survive a day without yr comments!
Happy birthday and thank you Natalie for all the insights and supportive words which continue to help me on my journey, and also for providing a community for us all to pull together 🙂
Hi Nat!
Congrats and happy birthday BR!! you probably don’t remember me but you saved my life. I was in a dangerous, abusive relationship with a member of law enforcement and the abuse was getting out of control. reading your posts made me see the light. I got out and got help, and two years later I’m happy, safe, and in a healthy relationship (with myself as well as with my partner) for the first time in my life. You were the first step in my journey and for that I am forever thankful. Without your insights I shudder to think of where I’d be.
Congrats, Nat. I’m a new reader and came upon your website this past spring when I was having a tough time moving on from a relationship that ended over a year ago. Your posts offer great insight and been a BIG help to me (just knowing I’m not alone has been a great comfort). I live in NYC, so I’ll keep an ear out for when you visit!
Just dropping in (after a long absence) to say thank you for this site. I happened along this site about three years ago while looking up ‘yoyo relationships’ after i kept going back and forth with the same idiot over and over again. I too thought i was unworthy and ‘doomed’ and that i turned perfectly decent men into unavailable idiots because i was somehow doing something wrong, that i wasn’t ‘good enough’. Reading your articles made me immediately go into no contact with the idiot and, although it was sooo difficult, made me really look at myself and my beliefs. Thanks to this important journey, i am now a much stronger person and i know and love myself. I still have my insecure days, but then i just come here and read a few articles and stop behaving in a self destructive way. I have even found a healthy relationship and we’re nearly at the 3 year mark. I now work for a charity, helping women in abusive relationships by empowering and educating them on what they should be experiencing in a healthy relationship (i even use some of your phrases!) and helping them flee abusive and violent relationships. Thanks for everything you’ve done. Keep up the good work!