I’ve been officially single since January 2002. That’s four years and seven months. In that entire span of time, I’ve wanted nothing to do with any kind of relationship. To that end, for a significant portion of that time, I adopted dating as a sport. Trying to fit in as many meaningless dates and anonymous sexual encounters as possible. Tiring of that, I just stopped. Ceased the dating game nearly altogether, only fitting in the odd date here or there. Finally understanding the extent to which I have contributed to the fact that all of the relationships I’ve had have been bad, realising that all of the men I’ve ever chosen have been Mr. Unavailables, and accepting that I needed to take a good look inside of myself to figure out why.
Why have I been unfailingly attracted to Mr. Unavailables? Because I’ve been a Miss Unavailable.
Often, I’ve wondered about the extent to which my very first relationship has contributed to this phenomenon. Did the fact that my first boyfriend, Vito, shattered my fairy-tale image of love, forever skew my attitudes about love? But does it really matter? Spending my time and energy playing the blame game isn’t going to solve anything. Because no matter where my commitment-phobia originated, I still have to move forward and figure out how to become a Miss Available. I now know that my conscious and subconscious ideas and attitudes about relationships, about people and about myself have been keeping me a prisoner of the Unavailable Realm.
I vividly remember the first time I realised that I had messed up ideas about relationships. It was my junior year of college and I had already been in my horrible on again-off again relationship with Vito for five years, and was engaged in a conversation with a co-worker one evening. All the specifics of the conversation escape me now, but he was talking about getting engaged and I, of course, made some snarky remark about relationships and commitment. What I do specifically remember is what he said to me, NYM, your issue is that you don’t see marriage as a beginning, but as an end. His words have never left me.
To this day I see all relationships as an end. Is that because my experience with Vito was so horrible? Is it an attitude that I learned as a girl? I have no idea. However, during my semi dating hiatus, which has not officially yet ended, there has been much time for self-reflection. Time to stand back and look at the person in the mirror. What are my issues? Why am I attracted to certain kinds of men? Why do I find relationships so distasteful? Why the hell am I a commitment-phobe?
The following is a partial list of the issues, the sub conscious and conscious, attitudes and beliefs that hold me back from believing in and finding good relationships. Some of this stuff may be part of my personality; some of it may have been ingrained in my head as a child, and some of it I’ve probably picked up as baggage along the way.
- If I’m not perfect I am not lovable.
- The desire to be in a relationship is a sign of weakness
- If I don’t accomplish everything on my own before getting permanently involved with a man, the accomplishments are not valid
- It’s easier to be single than take a chance on love and get hurt
And there we are. The four main reasons that I’m a commitment-phobe. Why I always choose men with whom I know a relationship cannot work. In the coming weeks, I’m going to explore, in depth, each of these issues. Because, who needs to pay a therapist when they can air their dirty laundry to everyone on the Internet?
Why do I want to air my dirty laundry on the Internet? Other than the fact that I’m an exhibitionist and narcissistic attention-whore? Well, after so many years of being contentedly single, I feel as if I may be approaching a state of being that would welcome the addition of a relationship. The addition of a GOOD relationship with a DECENT man, one who will BE AN EQUAL PARTNER, and add all kinds of wonderfulness to my life. If I’m ever going to have that, I know I need to come to terms with my issues and get myself sorted out.
So, let’s all raise our glasses in a toast to self-reflection, and I’ll see you all back here next Tuesday. chin chin
This post was contributed by New York Moments who no longer runs her blog.
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It is sometimes easier to be Single. But on the other hand, being in a relationship, especially if it’s a good relationship can be just as easy. It’s just finding that good relationship, that’s the hard part. So you are dipping your toes back into the dating pool? Good luck!
I can so relate to this, especially the “It’s easier to be single than take a chance on love and get hurt”. I had two bad marriages and met a bunch of assholes after my second divorce. Then there was Mr. Great White North, who may have put me off men forever. But I’ve discovered being single isn’t that bad and can sometimes be quite fun.
Back to your column..
You make an excellent point about looking within to find out why Mr. Unavailables are so darn attractive. As easy as it is to blame THEM, the problem truly does begin with us. In my case, I had an addicted mother, and a co-dependent father who catered to her every whim and always defended her outrageous behavior. As an adult, I’ve had a tendency to choose weak men with co-dependent issues (or conversely, extremely selfish personalities, which amounts to the same thing in the end) who are often involved with other women or are workaholics. Deep down, I am afraid of being hurt, so I hook up with men who have no permanence.
More than you needed to know..but hey, good column!
Recently, I’ve come back to that point in my emotional cycle that has me analyzing my “relationship skills.” (Read – How my relationships all seem to crash and burn.) I’ve come to a very similar conclusion – that I have made myself emotionally unavailable.
Rather than pine about it this time around, though, I think I’m going to embrace it and see how that works out for me. 😉
I will read with intrigue the parts about its easier to be single than take a chance on love and get hurt. If you skip over to ‘know when your relationships doomed’ you’ll see why…I seem to function far better as a human being outside of a relationship than within one, and can also associate with that feeling of feeling its like its the ‘end’ as opposed to the beginning..I’ve always imagined this to mean I haven’t yet found ‘the one’. Some have been clearly unsuitable, check out the last loser, they’re the ones I’ve loved the most unfortunately, the others have been ‘ok’..Who knows, maybe I missed the ones along the way, at 35 I do wonder how/why I’ve got it so wrong, but am doing a lot of work on myself right now to try and bring about positive changes for next time…Hey, did I say that!!! So I’ll read with interest how your self-analysis goes
I agree on most of the points,but on my part its the fear of everything that leads to my comittment phobia.Iv read this and maybe i need to realise what they are in order to get over it.
Wow…the first two really resonated with me…
• If I’m not perfect I am not lovable.
• The desire to be in a relationship is a sign of weakness
For my part, I think that childhood was instrumental in really screwing me up. The first from my dad, and the second from my seemingly strong mom. At least you are aware of your issues and can begin the process of making your own decisions, and not letting your past shape your future….