Actions speak louder than words - What has he done for you lately?
September 13, 2007 by NML
A few years back when I was single and causing my mother to worry that I would end up a spinster…she said “When I was your age I had guys chasing me all the time and buying me things. Jewellery, tv’s, and all sorts.” She rabbitted on for ages and when she finished I said “Yes…but where are they now…”
When I ask you what your man has done for you lately it’s not about material gifts or grand gestures but more about his actions. It doesn’t matter what he says, it’s his actions that tell you the real story and let you know exactly what is going on. Words allow you to believe in the fantasy, in the potential, and in the hype. Unfortunately acknowledgment of his actions and what they mean kill that all off. Often when we engage in discussion, after discussion, after discussion with our guys, we could have all of the answers by taking our cues from their actions. You know you’re in trouble when they don’t match his words…
“I’m really into you. I’ll call you” but you’re wondering where the frick your phonecall is a few days later and replaying the date in your mind wondering what you did wrong. However it’s more a case of him not having the balls to shut up and instead he wanted to give you the feel good factor at the end of the date..even though he knows he’ll kill off that good feeling within a day or two. He doesn’t want to be cast in a bad light. Don’t focus on what he says; focus on what he does.
“I love you and I really want to be with you…” but he’s still with the girlfriend or wife. Forget the fact that he may sex you so great that you’re practically swinging from the lampshade afterwards or that you feel like you can talk about anything and everything… He still skips home to his girlfriend or his wife. He’s still having his cake and eating it.
Why don’t their actions match their words?
- They like to avoid confrontation.
- They fear hurting your feelings.
- They enjoy the short-term fringe benefits of being with you without casting an eye to the medium or long term picture.
- They don’t like to endanger the flowing tap of sex.
- They don’t want to be perceived as *ssholes.
- They don’t know what they want but they’ll figure it out on your time.
- They do know what they want but they’ll mess with you anyway till something better comes along.
It’s dangerous to look for gaps in what these guys are saying as a reason to stay invested because it’s a total avoidance of the bigger picture. In order to keep these guys in our lives, in order to keep the fantasy going, we tend to focus on the things that we like, the little glimmers. We love the sound of words, especially ones we deem to be the right words that give you that tingly feeling and have you putting his surname on the end of your name. But words, especially those that prop up relationships need actions to solidify them and you could cut back a lot of your dating and relationship misery if you became more visually aware. All the fancy things, gestures, and words don’t mean a thing if you still end up confused, miserable, upset and struggling with ambiguity or settling for crumbs. Make sure he’s walking the walk, not just talking the talk…
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Great post!! Whenever I do a manslation, this is the first thing I say:
“If there is ever a conflict between what he SAYS and what he DOES, always, always look at what he DOES.”
Great insight, and it really is always the way to read a man.
Jeff Mac
http://manslations.com
Fantastic! As you know, we women have quite a bad habit of focusing on what is said (or not said). Especially when we call our gf’s crying “but he said he loved me”….etc.
So true, and it also goes in reverse theory as well.
If he SHOWS you he is into you, but has problems with the words (shyness, whatever) then go by what is shown. With some guys, just the effort, the trying to do the right thing, being a stand up guy…even if the words don’t come, well it can mean a whole hell of a lot more.
Take it from me, recently dubbed by a friend as “Our Lady of Perpetual Anxiety”…
NML, I think you left out one other reason for a disconnect - lack of discipline, lack of character.
That is, he wants to do his best, but whoever is near him, friends, family, co-workers, whoever occupies the next stool at the bar, can tell him something and he redefines what is ‘right’. This is a wishy-washy wimp of a guy, not to be confused with the similar, but much more sinister, ethically challenged guy with situational ethics (he thinks right and wrong are whatever works at the moment).
You need a man with balance, willing to listen to others, but needing to be convinced before changing his mind or letting others change his mind.