The Tricky Situation: Marcy asks, I was recently dumped by a guy. We dated exclusively for four months and he ended it because he wasn’t “ready for a relationship” yet, though he had “thought he could be” with me. He claimed he wasn’t over what happened with his ex, who he had been with for four years, despite the fact that he doesn’t want to be with her and broke up with her. He says he still has guilt about how they broke up (over the phone cause they were long-distance) and that she didn’t get any closure. I can’t help but wonder if he is just making an excuse — can he really be hung up simply on how they broke up? They broke up less than a year ago when we had met and he had already dated one other girl between her and me. I believe that he stopped dating the other girl because she wanted to be “too serious too soon,” but since we made it to four months, I thought we were going to work out. I guess that was a sign, but I just feel completely duped. Am I crazy?
You’re definitely not crazy Marcy but I do think that you have fallen into the trap of ignoring your intuition and yes, even an element of trying to be the exception. When you said that you had “made it to four months”, all I could see was a situation where you were dating this guy and on some level knowing that he had issues and then pushing down anxiety and almost praying that you can get past what you might think was the rocky mark in his previous involvement. This sounds like a challenge not a relationship.
I can’t tell you whether he is or isn’t over his ex but what I can tell you is that he doesn’t seem to know his arse from his elbow, with all of his contrary, flip-flapping, “I’m not ready for a relationship” but then carrying on as if you were supposed to be a commitment sorceress who was going to make him available and able to forget his issues.
What also cannot be denied is that if he was in a relationship for four years and some or all of it was long-distance and things ended over the phone nearly a year ago and he feels guilty over the lack of closure, why hasn’t he done something about it? As Oleta Adams sang in her hit, ‘Get Here’:
“You can reach me by railway
You can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane
……I don’t care how you get here
Just get here if you can”
I think what you really have to ask yourself Marcy is, What have I duped myself about?
That’s not to say that he hasn’t got his own side of the street to deal with but I suspect that focusing on him is shielding you from looking at where you’ve denied, rationalised, minimised and excused. You and your intuition are your friend. If you’re not already, please make that friendship the utmost priority because there’s no way that you should be duping you for some guy who you’ve known for a hot minute. You have to be careful of making assumptions and replace these with facts. Make sure you do your homework because he just did to you what he did to the last woman and he gave you some intel on this that if you’re ever in a situation like this again, you’ll ask more questions about it or flag it at a minimum, as an amber warning to stay grounded and pay attention. Be careful of tasking you with with the job of trying to be The Best Woman Possible TM that will ‘make’ him be different to how he was with all the other women. I always say that the moment, and I do literally mean the moment, you find out that they’re not over their ex, get out.
It is only through compassionately investigating why you were with him, that you can, in recognising what this was about for you, accept the outcome so that you can make it right with you by being more boundaried in future involvements. You’re not crazy at all but you do need to accept what you know at this time, wholly and fully, so that you stop melting your brain with his shenanigans and you instead can begin to make peace with you and move forward.
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