man in shadow

Navigating the dating world is difficult. And navigating the dating world when you’re addicted to attracting Mr Unavailables is even more difficult. We all know that once a Mr Unavailable has hooked us, it’s difficult to cut ourselves loose, so the best defense against getting stuck with these guys is to avoid dating them in the first place. Today I have a few tips on how to spot them on Internet dating sites so that you can avoid falling prey.

The first order of business, once you’ve decided to try Internet dating is to figure out which site or sites you will join. Mr Unavailables, whether they are unavailable because they are currently in a relationship or just out of one or addicted to a substance or are immature or mentally or whatever their issue is, will be looking for a site where women are quick prey. They will want access to a lot of women while spending the least time and money. Sites that give the option of stating your reason for being on the site as ‘sex’ or ‘fun’ will usually have Mr Unavailables in abundance as well as sites that make it very easy for people to contact each other directly and have instant messaging features. If you’re looking for a long term relationship and/or potential mate, I suggest sticking with websites that cost a bit more and really advertise that they’re ‘relationship sites’ as opposed to ‘dating sites,’ and by all means stay away from sites that advertise themselves as ‘sex sites.’

As women on Internet dating sites, we will receive many messages, ‘winks,’ etc. The important thing to remember is that we are not obligated in any way to respond to each and every message and show of interest. The most important thing to do once you’ve been contacted is to really look at the man’s profile and look for answers to questions such as (Keeping in mind that each site is different and may have a couple of unique fields, however most of the information is the same.) How long have they been on the website? and, What is their stated goal for being on the website? Also scrutinise their photo. If they’re flexing their muscles or there are women and or children in the photo, stay away. Predators will use children and/or mothers/sisters/women in wedding dresses as props to entice you. Also, most sites have a section where people write something in freeform. Stay away from men who tell you they’re wounded or just out of a relationship, etc.

Once you’ve responded to them and you begin a dialog, look out for red flags. Again, stop the dialog if they tell you they’re just out of a relationship, if they speak badly about their ex-wives/girlfriends, if they put themselves down, if they tell you they’re dating on multiple sites, if they tell you about other dates they’ve been on, if they’ve been on the dating sites continually for more than a year. Other red flags are if they want to move too quickly to another mode of communication ie. Yahoo or MSN or the phone. You shouldn’t spend an endless amount of time communicating via the dating site, but depending on your schedules, a few days to a week or so should suffice.

Be cautious of men who seem to want to get too serious too soon, and by all means, if a man tries to pressure you to meet him before you are ready, discontinue all communication. Likewise if he starts talking about sex too soon or tries to pressure you to send naked photos of yourself, two big signs that all he’s looking for is sex.

Most dating sites also have some feature that lets you know who’s on-line. If it appears as if this man is always on the site, as if chatting on the site is his major form of socialising, throw him back in the water.

Basically, use all of the same criteria to weed out a Mr. Unavailable in the on-line dating world as you would use in the real dating world. And never forget the golden rule’ – always go with your gut.

Check out New York Moment’s blog
My new eBook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is now available to buy as an instant download. Find out more

Guest – who has written posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.


FavoriteLoadingAdd to favorites

13 Responses to Guest Post: Tips For Avoiding Mr Unavailables on Dating Sites

  1. Hammy says:

    Now if only you could write that from the male viewpoint with such in-depth knowledge and succintness then everybody could be saved. That’s pretty insightful NYM.

  2. badgerbob says:

    “If it appears as if this man is always on the site, as if chatting on the site is his major form of socialising, throw him back in the water.”

    Does this mean I can no longer comment here?

  3. Vixen says:

    Not here—she’s talking about the dating website. LOL

  4. Hammy: Hmmmm…do you think I could do it if I wrote it while wearing men’s clothing?

    Badgerbob: If you stop commenting here I’ll cry.

    Vixen: He’s so silly, isn’t he?

  5. badgerbob says:

    Wow nym! I’ve been shot at, swung at, swore at, and pissed at, but no one has ever threatened me with crying.

    Vixen is such a cool name. Do you still keep in touch with , Prancer, and Blitzen? :)

  6. jamwall1 says:

    i rented some children from the “rent-a-kid-for-a-fake-family-photo” place. they totally overcharged me!

  7. Luccia says:

    I think the advice about using sites that cost a bit more and are more geared to relationships is very good. Free sites attract those who are everywhere, womanizers and committmentphobes…and I think it’s true to avoid those site who are selling themselves as sites that afford the option of just looking for “hook-ups”…

  8. Ananda says:

    great article. peace, ananda

  9. [...] (here, here, and here)and it’s mainly because if there are quality men on these dating sites, [...]

  10. Judy says:

    Out of the mouths of babes…..Just have to share this and this article is the best place…..I am not ready to date, yet, following my breakup with EUM. BUT, I have been shopping…perusing the online sites to see what’s out there. I have dated 2 men from online sites, including EUM. This evening, I was looking and my 7-year old son came in the room. (He met both men, bonded with EUM and knows why neither of the two are in my life anymore. His reaction when he saw me looking: “Momma, don’t look on the computer – all the men on there are liars!”

  11. Astelle says:

    Judy, Judy, why would you let your 7 year old son meet your dates??
    You need to protect him even if you fall for these guys.
    This is way too much Information for a 7 year old!! My son is almost 15 and doesn’t meet any of my dates! Breaks my heart!!

  12. Judy says:

    My son did not meet my “dates,” He met two men with whom I had been in exclusive relationships (or at least I thought) for many months. He was not introduced to them after the first or second date or even the first or second month. He was introduced to them after many months when it appeared they were going to be around a while.

  13. kat says:

    How the hell Have I accepted dating a guy while having an active profile.?!! I had it active myself too, does that justify it? Am I EUW mysefl? I knew this was happening and did or say nothing about it!!. We both checked it almost everyday while dating and being bf/gf at the same time. Has someone been in this situation too before?

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

Stop believing that you did something to make them unavailable or that their inadequacies are down to your inadequacies - it is not about you; they are unavailable!