Over at answerology, a reader asks “Do you think that emotionally unavailable really just equals he/she is just not that into you?” Truth be told, the answer isn’t a clear-cut ‘no’, but when you are faced with a Mr Unavailable’s behaviour, they act the way they do regardless of who you are.
It’s not about you; it’s about him.
The trouble with wanting an emotionally unavailable man is that it can cater to something within you which allows you to be drawn to someone who is emotionally ambivalent, which in turn makes you think that you need to work harder to win him over.
He’s just not that into his emotions.
He’s just not that into relationships. You could lay the world and yourself at his feet and it wouldn’t make a blind bit of difference. He’s self absorbed, narcissistically inclined, and focused on the short-term fringe benefits of being with you. He gets the sexual, the social, and the emotional benefits, with little or no concern for the impact on you in the short, medium, and long term.
If you persist in trying to be with an emotionally unavailable man, in spite of his behaviour, on some level it sends a message that you’re not happy either. The bulk of women that are attracted to and become involved with emotionally unavailable folk are actually emotionally unavailable themselves and resisting commitment (whether they know it or not), and so by sticking around, he realises that something can’t be right with you either.
Deep inside he knows that you shouldn’t want him as he has nothing to offer but crumbs.
By accepting what he’s putting out, as limited as that might be, what you’re not aware of is that in doing so, you are holding yourself at the same level of availability as him.
Ultimately, emotionally unavailable doesn’t equal he (or she) is just not that into you.
People can either tell you that they’re emotionally unavailable, not ready for a relationship, or not interested, or they can show you, because actions speak louder than words. It all comes down to whether you want to hear the words and heed the signs.
Human nature can have us putting ourselves at the centre of the reason when in actual fact, true emotional unavailability occurs independently of whoever they engage with. It was there before you became involved with them, it’ll be there when you become involved with them, and until they resolve their issue(s), it’ll still be there long after you’ve had the sense to make a run for it.