How do men cope with being dumped?
February 24, 2006 by NML
I know a lot of women that are of the school of thought that men don’t take it as hard when there’s been a break up, which harks back to the notion that women are far more emotional than men. Now in general we can assume this, but it has come to my attention that guys don’t cope that well with break ups; they just hide things better and don’t try to starve themselves or bloat up on Ben & Jerry’s.
I asked several guys how long it had taken them to get over their most recent significant break up, and with the exception of one of the guys, the rest claimed that it took significant periods of time, with two of them claiming that they still were trying to get over them after more than a year had passed.
Now my thinking is that break ups should generally be proportionate to the length of the relationship, give or take a month or week here and there.
So based on this rule, it should go something like this:
Length of Relationship Max Healing Time Surveyed Guys Healing Time
One Month One week One month
Three Months One Month Three months, One Year!
Six Months Two Months Five Months
One Year Three Months One-Two years!
Now I appreciate that people heal at different paces, but there is something seriously wrong here. I thought that it was just these guys, but when I questioned further and surfed around blogs it seems that this does actually correlate. One of the key factors with these guys was that with the bulk of them, they were not the ones to finish the relationship. Had they been the one to finish things, I wonder how long they would have brooded over the relationship?
What do guys do when they break up?
Some do cry but it’s generally by themselves or with a female friend or relative that they really trust. I do know a number of guys that have good emotional friendships with their male friends which means that when the chips are down, they can pour out their heart without fear of being looked down on. A lot of guys pretend that it’s not hurting them as much and attempt to rise above it because big boys don’t cry. Some of the guys said that they found it difficult to express how they feel because they don’t come from environments where they can speak freely.
‘It’s no wonder it took me so long to get over her; I couldn’t bloody talk about it to anyone really so I guess it just dragged out. I think I built her up more in my mind the longer it took me to get over her.”
I do actually believe that not talking about it and having the opportunity to wallow on your own for as long as you like is not going to enable someone to get over a break up. It’s impossible to resolve the feelings because you’re in a vicious circle with yourself and no-one is easing you through the hurt. It was very clear that the view of these women in a situation like this became really disproportionate and with one of the guys, he was damn well near obsessing over her.
Most of them tried to shag their way out of hurt. “I slept with a lot of women in that year after the break up. I think I thought that it would block it out. I’d wake up the following morning and look at her and think that she’s not [the ex girlfriend]”
“Sleeping with a few women was what helped me get over things. It’s what we do!”
And some break up like women – That’s the crying, moping, hiding away from the world, ranting, self-blaming, going back to try and make it work, pleading, and replaying the relationship over and over again in their minds as they cling to hope.
“I really do think that we’re meant to be together. Even now after a year…..but she doesn’t want it. I don’t think that I will ever be able to love another person like this again”
I think that the key thing to remember here is that when a guy does care about someone, he hurts just as much as a woman would in the same situation, he may just express it in a different way. He still has to be a ‘man’ and be one of the lads, and unfortunately other guys don’t come racing around with tea and sympathy. They demand that you turn up for the footie or drag your arse out for beers and stop the whining. These guys generally won’t be keen to listen to their male friend bemoan his break up and will often recommend that he get more drunk or just get laid. Often the ex girlfriend will talk to her ex and he will act as if everything’s hunky dory, which suffice to say, pisses her off no end as it appears he doesn’t give a monkey’s. He very often does, he just doesn’t know how to say it or is afraid of how he may look or how she may react to it.
The great thing about being a woman is that there is generally a few female friends that you can turn to during a break up that will listen to you say the same stuff over and over again and still be there when you’re ranting, raving, and they won’t pass any judgement when you express how you feel as there is an air of empathy and sympathy.
Recommendations for guys going through a break up
- Talk to a good female friend or relative
- If you have a male friend who has gone through this, go out for a beer on a Sunday or something and have a chat. You’d be surprised – he probably won’t mind talking about it!
- Don’t keep it to yourself
- Don’t allow a dented ego to hold you in heartbreak for a disproportionate period of time.
- Don’t obsess as this is very unhealthy and ultimately doesn’t change a damn thing anyway. The woman on the receiving end of it may feel like she’s being emotionally blackmailed.
Are you a guy that has struggled to cope with the demise of a relationship? Or are you a woman that has an ex that you just can’t shake because he’s unable to let go?
A selection of posts
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hi i got dumped. i cry and cry and everyday i miss her more and more.
i really want her back and as time goes on i want her more. shes really hurt me and made me feel unworthy of her or any other female. i know what i did wrong i was too scared of loosing her and too scared of her cheeting me, but when ur in love i thought u are supposed to work at it,
i cant stop thinking if shes found someone else or if shes even missing me…
we broke up b4 and i left it and she called me and said she was sorry for dumping me and that she knew i was the one for her and she would do everything to make it work!
why now am i suffering ?
why cant she stand by me..?
she told my mum we wasnt going in the right direction, and that we wasnt right for each other.. she also said she wants a man who will lead the relationship..
hearing this has made me cry more..
i cant change who i am..
i just know i loved her so much and wouldnt hesitate to marry her.
sumone help me!
Hi Vince,
It’s a shame that we lost all of the previous comments when we changed system as this had a lot of guys responses on it.
Let me put a question right back to you: In the face of knowing that this person isn’t standing by you, and everything that you’re feeling, why do you want to be with her?
Clearly what has happened has been interpreted as an attack on you and your relationships with women and this can be the most damaging. Please isolate what you are feeling to your experience with her because this will impact on your ability to trust and engage in relationships.
Unfortunately she has told your mother what she wants and she doesn’t think that is you. The difficulty about relationships is that many of us want to be in one, but we carry baggage and fear that ultimately prevents us from being able to truly enjoy the relationship. A partner on the receiving end of this will eventually become weary when their partner doesn’t trust and treat them as an individual.
Being worried about someone cheating or losing them can often drive a wedge in the relationship. take the focus off her and ask yourself why you’re so worried about this. Is it about her? Is she doing something to provoke your fears? Is it based on the past?
Your fears can create a major problem in most relationships. It’s natural to have a little fear but so much will bring a relationship to its knees. It shows you don’t quite trust them, that you have baggage of some sort that has created these issues and for whatever reason, the baggage is not being dealt with.
Everyone has baggage, but no-one should be in a relationship if the size of the baggage or their fears outweigh the good. It’s too much to expect someone to be OK with you being like this. Often people who have to deal with this fear end up cheating because might as well they do it seeing as you already think it, or they move on.
I am sorry that you are so unhappy and I feel your pain. I think that once you deal with your own fears and concerns and address them, that you will be in a much better position to talk to her. I’m not asking you to change who you are but your fears have nothing to do with your character or personality and they shouldn’t be what drives your life. Don’t beat yourself up because it takes two to tango but do learn from the experience so that you can move on personally and into a relationship.
My girlfriend of four years has just dumped me. We have a son who is nearly 3 and I worry how it will affect him. She wants me to move out asap and says we should stay friends for our sons sake. She said she hasnt been happy for a long time, she is no longer in love with me, does not find me attractive any more and says the spark has gone. I’ve tried everything to convince her to try to make it work but shes adamant that its over. I cried all night last night, I dont care about the macho man thing, I love her like I’ve never loved anyone before and I dont think I can cope without her.
Hi Craig. I’m sorry to hear about your break up. If that’s what she is saying to you, it will be very difficult to make her change her mind unless she feels like it. She isn’t telling you that you’ve done xyz and hence that’s why she wants to break up with you - she’s talking about an absence of feeling. Sometimes with some distance between two people they can find their way back to feeling good about you and the relationship. Sometimes people need to feel what it’s like not to have you to know what they truly do feel.
{hug}
I think you’re only right to feel very upset but trust me when I say that you will cope without her. Your relationship may be over butyou share a son together and right now, he will have to be the priority.
I don’t have the answer to how to remedy your problem but what I can say is that try to take the focus off trying to get her to change her mind and start thinking about gathering up the strength to move on with your life. Humans can be funny ‘ole creatures and when they have someone telling them how much they want them and laying their emotions out on a plate, they take it for granted and often reject it. Let her see that whilst you’re naturally upset about what has happened, that you know you’re own worth and that you won’t chase someone who doesn’t want you. Focus on work, your son, social life, family and start moving forward. If she doesn’t recognise your worth, don’t push the issue and let her do her own thing. Good luck
My GF of 4 years split with me this week. I am 24 and she is 22. I am absolutely distraught and I genuinely feel suicidal.
I spent the best four years of my life with this girl she is my morning,noon and night. I would have loved to spend the rest of my life with her.
I spend a lot of the time crying and I haven’t eaten for 4 days, not a bean. The worst thing is all my close friends are on holiday. All the joint mates we had are inapproachable as they knew her first. I have lost absolutely everything in my life and I can’t cope. Will I ever get over this?
Jonny (UK)
My gosh Jonny! I am sorry to hear about your breakup and your suicidal feelings. Right now you are feeling very uprrooted and the sudden change, your own friends being away is bound to make you feel awful.
Trust me when I say you will get over this and no matter how awful you feel, it does get better. You’ve only been broken up for 4 days and as a reflection of how much you are cared, you are bound to be incredibly upset and hurt. Suicide is not the answer and if you are genuinely feeling that way, I do suggest that you get in touch with The Samaritans. There is no need to feel alone. If you can go and stay with family, I also recommend that.
Sometimes when you are in long relationship at your ages, it can break up due to you both growing up and finding out different things about yourselves and life. For some, 4 years is a long time to be in a relationship when they’re 22. I don’t know what her reasons are for the break up but right now, it’s what she wants and you need to focus on taking care of yourself and coping. For a start, don’t say you can’t cope. Say that you can and eventually you’ll believe it.
I have just been dumped by my girlfriend. I have had a long standing alcohol problem . But in the last 6 months i have been controlling myself. Then I got invited to stay with some friends . We got drunk all weekend and when it became time to come home i was still drunk . I wanted more drink so i went out to see a mate . Instead i walked around and sobered up . Got home to find my Girlfriend had packed up all my stuff and wanted me to leave . She wouldnt even see me to explain why . Her mum was the one to tell me . After several days she said she was sorry for throwing me out but still wanted to end it and be friends as it wasent working . She says that she still loves me and i do her . She says she dosent know what she wants . She wants to meet up as friends and see how things go. I dont know if i should hold on and wait for her or move on ?
I very rarely recommend that people hold on as it implies letting your life come to a standstill. If I was you, I would focus on dealing with your issues and if things are meant to be with your girlfriend, in time you may be able to work it out once you have dealt with your issues. Having an alcohol problem will not be something that is easy for your girlfriend to cope with. Why not focus on dealing with that so that it can no longer be at the root of your problems.
On your girlfriend, it sounds like she needs some space to figure out what she wants. Don’t pressure her to decide as it may backfire eventually. You do stand a chance if she still loves you, but she is probably finding it difficult to like or be around you if she thinks that you have alcohol issues. Work on yourself and come back to the relationship with a fresh attitude. If you need me to recommend any sources of help, please email me.
hi, i just got dumped myself. I’ve been in the relationship for almost 3 years now. hoped to marry her. its only been the second day and it hurts like hell. I think i was obsessed with her, the fear of her leaving always filled me with dread. I believe that fear was really unhealthy. she’s tried it before and i kept urging her to give it another try. I gave up begging. I doubt i can ever give my heart to or trust another woman that way again. I don’t have any friends to talk to, i found this site while searching the net. In the end, its probably for the best, though it hurts like hell.
Philip - I am glad that you acknowledge how unhealthy the fear was. Fear will wreck everything. It’s OK to have a little, but a lot is a noose around both of your necks with insecurity hanging off it. You shouldn’t be begging and certainly not out of that fear that you’ve been gripped with. You will trust again but you need to identify what drives your fear before you start a new relationship. Unless you resolve this, you will find yourself in the same spot time and again. Find peace with yourself and gain some closure on things. No-one wants to be in a relationship driven by fear and insecurity - eventually the other person will get sick of it as it is perceived as a lack of trust and you never get to enjoy the relationship. It is likely to be for the best and of course it hurts now, but it will get better. Take care
i have just ended a 10 year relationship with a man i love desperately, and probably always will. but i have been ill for nearly a year following a serious accident, and instead of us pulling together, we have drifted even further apart. we both have a lot of baggage which has made it difficult for us, and we have had the same rows for 10 years, the same things come up. i am now just exhausted, i dont have the strength to get well because all my energies go on trying to save our relationship, and i just cant go on anymore. it only happened on Wednesday and, although maybe he knew it was on the cards, i dont think he ever thought i would actually go, as i have been hanging in there so far. i worry so much for him and feel so responsible and so guilty, and i dont know what to say to him to make him hurt less. i know how much he loves me, and i love him to the stars and back again, but i just dont feel that we are the right people for each other. he is very laid back and will do things when he is ready, and i am a bit highly strung and pretty much the opposite. i just feel so so so awful for hurting him like this, and i worry about his future. i would like to think that this will be the motivation for him to take time to enjoy being a single man (whcih he has never done) spend time with his daughter without me in the way (from a previous relationship) and learn about himself without my interference. i will never stop thinking about him, he is the one and only love of my life. any guy who has any advice on what i should or shouldnt say or do, please let me hear from you. life sucks.
Hi L. It sounds to me like you’ve made the right decision. Of course it is going to be painful but these things always are. You need to put your trust and faith in the knowledge that the decision that you’ve made is the right one. This is the hard part though - I appreciate that he’s upset, and I’m not asking you to be cold, but you need to put some distance between you both and focus on getting your life and emotions in order. Set a time limit and stick to it - for instance tell him that you need some space and time and that you’ll speak to him in a months time. Tell him to respect your wishes during this time.
Being totally honest there isn’t anything that you can say or do that is going to make things right for him. You can’t place all of the guilt on yourself - it’s not for you to fix. You’ve both had a shot at this relationship and it’s not working. You will achieve nothing by trying to say and do the right thing, as his version of the right thing is likely to be the wrong thing for you. Be true to yourself and start focusing on your needs. Good luck!
My girlfreind let me down easily the other day, we have been going out for less than a month and we met at a dance. The momment I saw her I fell deeply in love and she felt the same way, but she recently told me she had another guy on her mind and said it wasnt fair to me, so we should remain freinds.
I was heartbroken and I will never forget her. I am depressed and do not know if I will ever get over it.
I want to wait and see if she will come back to me thats why I am waiting, but if she does come back I know I will be set up for more dissapointment.
What do I do?
Hello Everyone, Just wanted to follow up my earlier post. Since I wrote that a lot has happened including my girlfriend admitting she had feelings for someone else but we have worked through it and have been getting on ok for the last few weeks, things seem to be going ok and I hope that we will continue to work hard at our relationship for our sakes as well as our son. I still dread the thought of her leaving or deciding it isnt working BUT so far so good. For the guys on here that are struggling to cope I really feel for you, I was so distraught I spoke to the samaritans via email and they always replied with good advice and helped me come to terms with what was happening. I really hoe you can all work out your relationships, the best advice I can give is give her some space and when you do talk to her make sure you make her realise what shes thrwoing away - talk about your good, positive points and try to stay generally positive about the situation working out. Good luck to you all.
Anon - I am sorry to hear of your break up. I know it will be hard to hear but I can assure you that there is light at the end of the tunnel if you want there to be. Whilst love waits for no-one and I’m sure you fell in love, a month is not a long time and this should give you the opportunity to heal a little easier. This must have been a very intense period for you to feel this way but you must ask yourself why you feel the depth of what you do for this woman in the time period to such an extent that you feel so depressed and feel that you’ll never get over it?
If you’re gonna wait, do it in a moderate manner by getting on with your life rather than literally putting your life on hold. Don’t pressure her and let her find her way to you. Sometimes people need time and space and the intensity of a short relationship can be overwhelming. If you do find that you are really struggling, I suggest speaking with something like the Samaritans in the UK and your equivalent in the country where you are based.
Craig - This is fantastic news and I’m pleased for you. Don’t have high expectations so that you don’t end up being disappointed but do appreciate the second chance you both have. Sometimes a little space and time is all someone needs. Good luck and thanks for stopping by and sharing x
My girlfriend and I have been going out for about 3 years. I am 20 and she is 18. We have always been very happy with eachother and she has always told me she could never see herself with another guy and how I am perfect for her. When she went to the same college as me, after the first week she started getting really irritable with me and seemed generally annoyed. After about the 3rd week she decided to dump me, not really giving me a reason besides she needes space and doesnt think we get along enough. I asked her if she could see us being together in the future and she said she is to confused to answer that question and will hardly talk to me at this point. Its been about 4 days and i feel like complete garbage because I really loved her alot and I believed her when she said she couldnt see her with anyone else. I feel like i have lived a lie with her because i dont understand how suddenly it was so easy for her to get over me. Im wondering if she just needs space and she is going thought some kind of stage from entering a new part in her life and wants to experience some things being single. I just cant cope with her being with somone else because im so used to her being with me and being able to talk to her everyday. I just feel so alone because i dont want to be with anyone else but her. And i dont have another girl to fall back on at this point in my life. I just hope she realized that she misses me and made a mistake. I just dont know if i should try to move and or wait and see what she does in the next month. Its been killing me because i have no idea why should would do that because i thought for sure we would be together thought college and we have had such deep feelings for eachother. I dont know im just completely depressed right now. I wana keep calling her and tryin to get her back but i feel the best thing is to leave her alone and make her realize on her own. BUt at the same time if she really is done with me for good i dont wana waste my time bitching about it. I just have no idea what to do or how to feel. My close girlfriend said I should give her some space and she will come back but i dont feel she will either way. I have no clue i just hate this. I have so much studying to do and i just have no motivation to study for upcomming exams. I also cant sleep or eat. Its 5am right now and i can fall asleep and i have an exam in the morning.. Its ruining me and i dont know how to stay focused and keep her out of my head. I just want things to go back to normal. What kind of mind set should I have and how should I handle this relationship with her?
my girlfriend dumped me after my longest relationship ever…she’s beautiful, funny, and all around perfect. I can’t stop thinking about her, i can’t eat, i can’t do anything..i love her and i miss her..
i was dumped by my girlfriend of 5 1/2 years four days ago, she says she needs her space and to find out who she is. Her parents went through the same thing around about our age (22) and I wonder if we can do the same. The only thing is I don’t know if she wants to.
I can’t give up hope on her, she’s everything to me, but surely giving up hope is the only way to move forward. I’m so confused right now, she’s only just moved in with me too and now she’s going to move out. How do I cope with her no longer living in the same house as me?
Help.
Its me again, the guy who can’t spell anonymous properly. Thought I’d update everyone, I’m in a much better place than I was last week. I’ve realised that there’s nothing you can do about the past, you’ve got to look forward to what you can do with your life. Occupy yourself with things that excite you, take that extra risk that you would have shunned when you with together, its a trip man. By no means am I over her but sitting around crying into your beer is never going to help anyone, we’ve all got to move on with our life and live for ourselves. She’s not the most important person anymore, you are/ your kids are guys. Chin up throughout this all, remember you’re not the only one going through this. Take it easy.
Hi Guys, Thought I’d stop by again as my partner has decided AGAIN that she wants out of our relationship, saying the only reason she stuck around before was for our son’s sake. Feel like crap again, worse than before. She’s beautiful and a great person to be around although she does have an eating disorder which makes her depressed which I think is probably the root of our relationship issues.
To Anonymous, Glad you’re coming to terms with it, its not easy and I take my hat off to you for being able to cope like you are!
One more update from me. She’s found someone else now, quite quick eh? Haven’t been dealing with it too badaly, acceptance is the key. She is nothing to do with me anymore, she can give herself to whoever she wants and it does not affect my life in any way. I was never going to have her back, and now that’s not changed. Too often we get caught up in the little details and forget to look at the big picture. Until next time dudes.
I was just left by a girl I was with for over 5 years. We’ve lived together for over 3 of those. She was the most important person in my life, and I am dying inside right now. She is coming to finish getting her things this week and I’m just losing my mind.
We’re both about to be 26 and we’ve had a problem with “fun” for a while. I would get home and be lazy as hell and I guess just plain boring. She’s recently started graduate school and she’s having all kinds of fun with her new friends. I guess being with me seemed boring to her, or like too much work when she was so happy at school. I can understand her point, and the thing is I want to change. I don’t like being a boring lazy ass, I want to have more fun and do more exciting things in life. I’ve just had hard time actually DOING that.
She says that she still loves me and still cares about me. I’d die for this girl. She says that if we can both learn to have fun on our own and enjoy our own lives that maybe we’ll be better fit to have fun together. I hope that’s true. For now I guess I just have to deal and try to live a healthy enjoyable life, and learn a little bit more about ME.
But for now I’m in tears every time I’m alone in a room. I live alone now, and that’s very hard to deal with. I have to sleep alone, and eat alone (though I haven’t done much eating). Everything in my life reminds me of her. She was part of everything I did.
I haven’t cried like this in a long time, I thought I forgotten how to cry. I think I just didn’t have anything worth crying over. Now I can’t stop.
J,
I’m replying to your message because when I first posted on here I felt completely alone and Craig’s simple reply helped me feel that at least there was someone out there who knew what I’m going through and that helped a lot.
I know what it feels like to have shut down and shut off in a relationship, and I put my relationship breakdown down to that partly. now what I try to do is take the chances that I was afraid to take before, be the person that you want to be but forgot how to be.
The first few weeks are the hardest mate, its something everyone’s got to go through and its the roughest time, you’ve just got to balls it out and it DOES get easier. Don’t hold onto the past, move forward with your life and progress, you may not feel like it but you will get through this.
About 3 months ago I met a girl through a friends website, after a couple of months writing back and forth wwe went out and that same day she ended up staying with me that night. She is beautiful and funny and very compatible with me. Unfortunately she had a lot of “guy” friends. We broke up because she decided to go out with one of these guys to a concert instead of with me, she admits the guy likes her a lot and he is staying with her a whole weekend. The girl never showed me her house or introduced me to her friends in 3 months. Pretty obvious she didnt see the same outcome as me. Long story short after the breakup I didnt had contact with her for 2 months, although i didnt forget her I called her last week and we saw at a bar, again like many other times our relationship was based on drinking, so we got wasted on a Monday, she stayed with me we kissed (no sex) we laughed, she told me she missed me, she didnt cheated on me… Next day she tells me she’s not feeling it. I just wished her luck and I am ok now… but still very hurt but ready to move on… the bad thing is that I find myself thinking of her constantly… I am hoping this is part of my mourning. It seems I was dating a very narcissistic girl that was a master in the “get closer so I can slap you” technique… any advise guys?
I was dumped by my girlfriend of 4 and a half years. We grew up together and went on to do a long distance relationship which actually worked well for a long time. We were always there for each other with unconditional love and support then something changed completely in her earlier this year. She told me she had feeling for someone else and didn’t know what to do. She took a month to decide she still wanted to be with me and we carried on although my faith in the relationship was destroyed I realised I didn’t want to be without her and it was up to me to get us back to where we were. I was very insecure but things seemed to be on the mend then 8 months later she dumped me unexpected and told me there was someone else again and she didn’t know how she felt. 3 weeks later she told me she was now seeing the new guy who is much older than her. This was 2 months ago and I’ve done everything people advise…Going to the gym 4 times a week, eating right, meeting new girls, leaning on my friends and famil, but it’s been a while now and if anything I feel worse now than when we broke up because the reality of how empty and pointless my life is has really sunk in,I still can’t sleep and when I do I have nightmares of her with the other man. It’s killing me.
Hi
i had been going with a girl for a period of two years then this year around June she just told me her love towards me was over and she got married to a guy whom they had been staying with in the flat i dont know if she had been playing me with that guy but i was so heartbroken i couldnt eat or sleep for quiet some time then i logged in to this page and so what men go thru and how they cope with these kinds of problems.
Thanks to whoever came up with this idea.iam still on the road to recovery though sometimes i do get stressed after thinking all the promises that she made.
Hi, I was with a girl for 4 and a half years. She dumped me on Thanks Giving. We spent most of our days together since we met. It was like nothing could tear us apart. I feel angry and betrayed that I gave all of my heart and trust to her. She made me trust her SOOOOOOOO much by saying that we were soul mates and we will be together forever. One thing I can say is that I will never bow down to a woman again! We are men, so, be a man. To me a man means standing strong in what YOU want to do and letting the woman follow, if she doesn’t want to, then she can f**k herself! I’m in it for me and I love myself! She always called herself a Goddess, and I worshiped her as one. She was a BEAUTIFUL and posotive woman, but, WHAT THE F**K KIND OF ‘GODDESS’ ABORTS A CHILD? - F***ING WHORE! She persuaded me not to use a condom because she believed that her relationship with God Almighty was so strong, that He knew that she wasn’t ready for a baby. She was REALLY into health and natural foods and would never use the pill or a condom due to it’s “inorganic ingredients” - she viewed herself as a pure spirit and always talked about having faith and living an abundant life. So me, Mr. Super Sperm, had unprotected sex with her for over 2 years until one day, guess what, she got pregnant. Why didn’t the pure spirit Goddess that she was ever care to think that it might be a sign that God want’s her to have the biggest gift of all? - a Baby. But no, she didn’t think about that did she! (what kind of faith is that?). So, again I thought about her feelings and supported her decision to have an abortion and stuck by her instead of leaving her. I just spent the last six months helping her with her graphic design work for a book she wants to publish and saving up money to buy her a car and an aeroplane ticket to England when she decides that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore because she needs to explore her individuality and she thinks that I do too! It’s been over a month now and I’m still hurt and think we might get back together. I just got to get her out of my head and my stomach. I definately love myself alot more and realise how strong I really am now though!!! I can really see myself getting over her quickly!! I sincerely mean that! I think if we release our feelings of anger and sadness without holding back, we can recover very quickly and it’s almost as if we can really get in touch with the strength of our emotions! Maybe it’s for the best!
Peace and love to all my brothers!
P.S. I thank Snoop Doggy Dog for the inspiration - Motherf***ing Biatches!!!
Hi:
I have been ditched in the X’mas, 2006. I am 35, senior IT Pro. She is 25, 3yrd (final) year law school student. We met each others in my friend’s wedding party 3 yrs ago. I was always treating her like a princess and I paid on all activities whenever we went out. Naturally, there were ups and downs in the relationship. She never admits anything to be her faults. Everything must be my fault (based on her view). She never introuduce me to her family in these 3 years. (Her parents make far more $$$ than me). I asked her why she broke up with me. She said I would never be able to fulfill “ALL” her needs and help her on her career path/school stuff. She told me that another guy is in her mind and she has zero feeling on me now. (I believe that it is her law school classmate). They are “compatible” and they have the same goals (naturally). She said that I will never be able to get a master/PhD degree in my life. (Is it a “JOB” requirement?) Naturally, my characters are not compatible with her based on her view.
(She expects to have zero conflict in a relationship. Anything that she doesn’t like is my fault). I had the last phone conversation with her yesterday (03JAN07). She told me that she doesn’t want to hear/remember/see me anymore. (She blocked/deleted me on MSN already). Additionally, she won’t treat me as a friend anymore in the future.
I am lost…My mind is lost…
I think she is graduating soon and so she wants to find a better “partner” (not lover).
Did I love a materialistic girl who was taking advantages of me in these 3 years? Maybe, I am stupid enough fo find the truth now.
I am SAD because I love/trust a gal who cannot even value me as a friend at least after 3 years.
Please give me some comment….
I was just dumped by my girlfriend of 6 months. What makes it especially hard is that we were friends for 7 years before we decided to get together. Everything was going ok and then I started to get the feeling something was wrong. She told me that she saw our relationship getting worse and that she wants to keep me in her life as long as possible but as a friend. She will be graduating from college soon and wants to travel and maybe live out of the country for a while. When she told me her plans she wasn’t shaken at all and I was the one that cried. I know we didn’t date for very long but it hurts really bad to know that it was such a lopsided love. She is the first girl to break my heart and I’m not sure if I can be around her in the future without being sad. The future seems very bleak without her. I feel like I’m not going to be able to cope with the fact that she may have a new boyfriend some day. It feels really bad but I can understand her reasons behind the break up. In the morning and whenever I’m alone I can’t stop thinking about her and how much I screwed up. My heart feels horrible. I feel like we shouldn’t have even escalated our friendship to a romantic relationship but now how can we go back?
Hi
Me and my girlfriend broke up 4 days ago, it wasn’t because we didn’t love each other any more but because we didn’t have much time,i study at nights and she in the day. We were together for a year and four months, and now she’s gone, my life seems to be broken and i don’t know were to start to fix it, She is everywhere i look in little things, i feel so depressed, i cant concentrate, i cant eat and sleep is to a minimum and I’m starting to get sick from it, and believe me i tried to eat. I keep blaming myself for everything and i have talked to my best friends about it, and the more i talked the worse it gets, then i talked to her asked her how she was feeling, and she too was broken, now she wants time to get over me!! I know thats what break ups is a bout but for some reason i cant handle that and its making me crazy.
Arent men suppose to cope very good with with break ups? Why then is this so hard for me? any advise would be great
Hi, i have just been dumped by my girlfreind of 2 years, i went on holiday to florida for two weeks with family and i came back to find that she no longer wanted to be with me she didnt really have any good reasons. she has a daughter that i have over time become extremely close to and take care of her as if shes my own. when my girlfreind had the baby she became extremely depressed and shes been taking prozac and self harming ever since i first met her.
she miss treated me through out the realationship and we argued alot but we always worked it out in the end, this time she doesnt want me back. it has been 4 days now and i am feeling so low i dont want to eat, i constantly feel sick when i think about her i am a real mess i havent stoped crying for days i have met up with her a few times in the 4 days to give stuff back etc. i keep txting her but she doesnt reply, and i call her at night and cry to her on the phone but she doesnt want to hear it, i think she may have found someone else. im just so gutted im finding it so hard. does anybody have any advise for me, i really need help.
hi its matt again, i just wanted to add that she still wants to be freinds with me and said that i could come round whenever i want to see her daughter and brother but whenever i see my ex i just cry and feel so hurt i dont know how to get over this. please please help
Andries - Apologies for the belated reply. I hope that you are feeling better since your last comment and will try to find your email address to contact you. 4 days is no amount of time to gauge a break up on. All break ups hurt to an extent but it does get better and it’s acknowledging when things aren’t working and giving yourself a chance to breathe and get your life together. Men suffer with break ups too it’s just they don’t always say so.
Hi Matt, your situation is heightened by the way that she has chosen to end the relationship and it is easy to confuse that hurt with wanting to be with her or feeling like you should be together. As I said to Andries, it is totally normal to feel upset and hurt at this stage of the break up. It has been 4 days! You have to go through the ‘grief’ stage before it feels better.
Reading your comment I can honestly say that it sounds like you were involved in an unhealthy situation and whilst I recognise that you have a history with her and have bonded with the child, your ex clearly has unresolved issues that have existed before you stepped into the frame. You do deserve to be treated better and she hasn’t treated you very well although it sounds like her problems may not lend itself to that.
It actually may be the best thing for her to go her own way and resolve her issues and for you to go yours. Co-dependent relationships of this nature are unhealthy and it sounds like you’re doing most of the giving and she doesn’t care.
At the end of the day, I can’t say whether she isn’t or isn’t seeing somebody but that doesn’t matter. She has made her decision and very cruelly cut you out of her life. Don’t call her, and sit on your hands to stop yourself from dialling and do your best to cold turkey it out. Put your needs first and focus on healing and moving on. She’ll getting high on your chasing her around and I suspect that time and distance will give things a far better clarity for you.
In terms of seeing her relatives, I wouldn’t pressure her to do it and she may see it as you trying to get close to her which will only make her react even worse. Give things time and if you still feel a strong urge to see them, revisit this again in a couple of weeks when the dust has settled. Obviously it is easier to meet up with her brother but you will have to respect her wishes about her daughter if she decides that she doesn’t want you to see her. Please let me know if you have any other questions.
thanks alot NML your reply really help, thinkgs havent got any easier i still think about her she keeps coming into my work in the day time to buy drinks she just sits there and watches me work i cant help but feel that shes trying to wind me up, people at work think the the same, thanks again.
matt
Well as all of you, i just got dumped like a dirty rag. 1.5 years together. It’s been 3 day’s since she told me to move on as she doesn’t know when she’ll be done with THINKING ABOUT IT so I shouldn’t wait.
Here is the scenario…I started my own business 2 years ago (just before we met) and have been struggling getting it going but there is progress and I am finally seeing the light.
No fights or very few, great sex life, etc. We’ll it took one day for that to change. I get very quiet when I’m angry I hate shout fests so thats what happened we went out but i was pissed as hell and didn’t talk much over the course of the evening. She said thats when it hit her how she felt like a stranger beside me that day. Then all her griefs came out how she wanted to get married soon and have kids and I was like me too just give me a couple more months and if doesn’t work with my business im gonna get a regular job and we’ll do all that. But guess what that wasn’t good enough…….wierd.
She recently got a new job and found out abot Facebook…thats when things started to change I think… so I’m thinking she found someone else and just left or whatever really it doesn’t matter (I realise this while im writing). And yes I have been crying like a little girl 3 times a day…twice yesterday…I didn;t cry today (Great Success)…Becuase I realise she is not for me although I was willing to give the world to her, and it pains me so much and I only think of the good times…there is hope it will be ok there are beautiful smart women out there that will go to the ends of the earth with you.
Boys the key is let that s**t out of you cry yell everything talk to your family and your friends even running the risk of them calling you gay…it don’t matter it’s therapy. (I know I’ve had 2 previous long term relationships 5 and 2 years where I loved each girl to death but got over them quickly that way).
My girlfriend just dumped me yesterday. However my story is a little different and as I always had a feeling that it wouldn’t last but she told me that i was the most important thing in this world and we would be together forever no matter what. I am hurting inside right now and feel sick.
I’m 31 and my GF is 20. We have been dating for 8 months and talked at least 5 times a day on the phone.
The situation was difficult because she works in my office and so does her father. I am divorced from a terrible wife who chose her job over her family. anyways my girlfriend came into my life and it was an instant breath of fresh air, we got along like two peas in a pod. She was stunnily hot, had the best figure i have ever seen and wanted sex all the time, more than me!. But her family found out about us talking all the time and had suspicions that we were meeting secretly. Obviously which we were. They freaked out on her and would not allow her to see me. We still met many, many times after that and always talked on the phone, she even has a key to my apartment. We would meet each other everyday at lunch time and spend it alone in my car. I fell in love with her but her family; mainly her 24 year old sister is nuts and won’t let her make her own decisions in life. For some reason she is terrified of her older sister of 4 years. If her family let her live her life without interfering, she she would be with me. But it is too hard and emotionally draining on her so she had to end it. Age wasn’t a factor in our eyes but in her sisters eyes it is.
8 months was a long time and to have it end suddenly is painful. The hardest thing will be to see her everyday at work and not be able to talk to her anymore. I truly love her. Should we just see how things are in the future and possibly reconnect then? And another question, is 31 considered old these days?
Charles - This is an incredibly difficult situation and I understand your frustration and hurt. I think for a start that it would be a good idea to step back and let the situation have some breathing space. 31 clearly isn’t old however there are many parents who aren’t comfortable with an eleven year age gap at that particular stage of their childs life. I also know this from experience as I’ve been that 20 year old girl with a guy of a similar age gap.
This may be hard to hear but you haven’t helped the situation by what the father may perceive as flaunting the fact that you’re sleeping with his daughter and circumventing his feelings on the situation. No man wants to think of his daughter doing what his has been doing and he certainly don’t want to have to deal with it at work. He no doubt thinks that you’re disrespecting him. Imagine how you would feel as a father in the same situation? You can understand his concerns.
31 is not old, but 20 can sometimes be young…What you feel about things when you’re 20 is different when you’re 25 and certainly by the time you’re 30. She may seem that she is emotionally mature to handle the situation and she may be, or she may not.
Respect her decision to break up and let her sort herself out. These things have a way of working themselves out but I certainly recommend that you both stop the furtive, secretive relationship.
By the way, if you always had a feeling it wouldn’t last, it’s your gut telling you something….
Give yourself a chance to have a breather and focus on yourself. Take care
Hi there.
3 weeks ago my wife of 7 years with whom we have a 5-year old son asked for a separation and divorce. I’m feeling incredibly sad, lonely and, sometimes, angry. I have illusions that we’ll get back together again and almost every time we talk I end up crying and sometimes pleading for reconsideration of her decision. Our son is handling it OK, but he’s asking lots of questions. I think we’ve both handled the situation well with him. We’ve been honest, only told him what is appropriate for his age, assured him it’s not his fault and this him mom and dad love him. Despite the heartache, and I think it’s truly what we are both experiencing, we’ve been able to amicably work out practical details of visits, money, etc.
Our situation is complicated by a number of factors. I’m an immigrant in her country and it’s taken me several years to adjust to a new country, job possibilities etc. She helped me a lot and I was quite dependent on her for practical help. Indeed, I think she felt I was overdependent. But after several years of struggling we’ve both managed to secure career jobs. What makes it so difficult to handle is that finally after many conflicts and worries about jobs we’ve finally suceeded and just now she decides to break up. All our plans are down the drain.
Another complicating factor, for us and for our son, is that I’m living in another city. She’s been trying to get a transfer to my city where we both want to live, but it hasn’t panned out. She still plans to move there when she can however. For the last year, with the exception of holidays, I’ve been visiting her and our son twice a month or so. I called everyday, sent emails, gifts by mail etc. She thinks, however, that I’ve been living the life of a single person in the city where I live. I somewhat agree: what really drove her over the edge was that I racked up a significant amount on credit cards. I was completely faithful, but I spent on my apartment, going out, restaurants, books, cd’s etc. while she’s was looking after our son. I did everything I could to encourage her to go out sometimes on her own, enjoy herself etc. but she’s had a hard time doing this. And when I came home, I looked after the house, picked up our son at school every day etc. She’s doesn’t seem to recognize that I did this out of love and concern for her.
A third complicating factor now is that since the break up, which occured on my holidays, I’ve been living in our old apartment together with her and our son. I rented my apartment out during my holidays and don’t get it back for another week. We’ve had very emotional talks at night after our son goes to bed. Both of us cry, we hug, we talk about our problems. I’ve tried to convince her to reconsider, but she’s adamant that she wants a divorce. She says that it is not because of another man or even because she’s keen on dating again, but to live out her life independently, reconnect with girlfriends, her family and live the life of a single person again and not have to worry about me. One of our difficulties has been the stability we needed to have another child; we both wanted one, but kept putting it off. Last night, I asked her if she still wanted to have another child with another man and she said yes. It absolutely floored me and I broke down crying incessantly.
Anyways, I’d appreciate any suggestions for coping after I go back to my city and for getting rid of any illusions I might have. I will have to visit regularly until she gets a transfer and while the practicalities are fine with both us I’m dreading the emotional turmoil.
Hi Sean. There is a lot going on in this relationship with your wife and this sounds like a highly awkward situation. The sooner that you have your own space the better because these emotional talks whilst they seem to be honest and revealing are quite gut wrenching. The primary focus has got to be the welfare of your son and providing a stable environment, in terms of the emotional side in particular.
For a start, give her the space to do what she needs to do and unless it is something that impacts on the welfare of your child or threatens your ability to spend time with him, leave her to it. Space and time are amazing and I think that your wife will only be able to truly understand where she is at when she has got this. She sounds frustrated. The more you question her about her choice and what she is doing, the more resistent she will be.
Remember who you are. You and your wife appear to have had one of those relationships where there may have been certain imbalances which couldn’t be helped - such as the dependency. In a weird way, whilst she may not have liked your dependency in the end, it also probably felt odd when you appeared not to need her as much and appeared to be more in control of your life. I suggest that you keep focused on yourself and providing for your child. It sounds like you have really started to get things together and you have a whole ‘you’ to discover, independent of your wife and the complicating factors that have dominated your relationship.
When you visit, why not use the time to go out and about with your son for some special bonding time. If you don’t have to stay at her place, then don’t, but if you do, try not to do so much of the deep talking. Whilst it may feel like a good idea, you’re only gaining lots of insight into a turmoil that she has that you can’t fix and that she needs to deal with independently of you.
Don’t ask her about her having more children.
Instead of discussing the issues that she doesn’t want to resolve with you, agree on how you will both conduct your relationship moving forward. Decide this from the perspective of giving your son a secure emotional environment and also respecting each others independence. But also agree boundaries on how you will both conduct yourselves should you meet other people.
Sit down and think about the reality of what you have been through. When we break up with people, particularly with so much history, a child and the issues that you both had, it is easy to forget the issues and whether you were actually happy. Be real about how you have felt throughout your relationship, especially when you have been apart.
There is no quick fix here but it is important that whilst you shouldn’t be cold, you need to focus on you, your child and the practicalties of your situation. Keep the contact friendy but distant and don’t approach discussions when you are too emotional. Good luck!
I just wanted to say thanks NML for the thoughtful advice
Hi NLM. In your post to me, which I find very reassuring and helpful, you said the following: “The more you question her about her choice and what she is doing, the more resistent she will be.” Can you explain why that is? Is it the same for every woman who has broken off a relationship? Is it a general rule? I ask not to question you; I’m just curious.
BTW, I’ve been more or less following your advice. We had one “deep” and emotional talk, but only the one. Moreover, I leave for a month or so in a few days. Thanks again.
Hi Sean. It’s not the same rule for every woman but in these break up situations where you have one party who has decided that they need to break out, the more you discuss and question their choices, is the more resistent she will be to looking at things from any other perspective than hers. She will feel like she has made a big decision which has obviously adversely affected you but she feels strongly about her decision and has chosen to stand behind it. You are coming from a total opposite position and she already thinks that you are trying to change her mind. Sometimes people decide to break up and have a view of what they expect to happen in their ‘new’ life. Whether or not it ends up turning out like that, when you question her choices she will feel defensive and defend her position. Give her space and breathing room to live the life she thinks she’s going to get because if you don’t, she’ll never be comfortable or happy around you.