1. It’s broken, you’re not. You’re a separate and distinct identity from the relationship, you’re not the relationship itself. The relationship ending doesn’t mean the end of you as a person – you’re still here! It’s understandable to be hurt, to feel devastated and struggle to deal with not being together, but a breakup shouldn’t leave a vacuum where you existed before. You’re valuable on your own!
2. If you force it back together based on ego and fear, you will completely miss the reasons why you broke up and essentially buckle in for a repeat performance.
It’s easy to take it to a micro level and think everyone is attached and you’re alone in your experience – many people are going through the same thing at the same time. You’re not alone and breakups do free people up to either find a relationship that’s more befitting of them (even if it’s hard to contemplate at the time of the breakup), or to restart when some time has passed and the desire to return to the relationship remains and it’s accompanied by the willingness of both parties to resolve the issues that broke the relationship in the first place.
3. Distance does give objectivity. Sometimes when you’re right in it, you can’t see what the issues are or sort it out. If you grieve the loss of the relationship, the breakup does force you to acknowledge things that you couldn’t see or accept when you were in it.
4. If you try to go back too soon, it’s a knee-jerk reaction that self-soothes you in the short-term but when the high has worn off, you’ll be back to square one.
5. Think of yourself as in beta mode with your attempts at dating and relationships – you’re using feedback from the experience both internal and external to discover what does and doesn’t work for you. We put ourselves out there and think that life is going to be certain things and that we’d be happiest or gain happiness from someone who is xyz. When you listen to and process feedback from relationships that haven’t worked and positively apply them, you can be in something mutual that works much better for you.
6. Mutual friends are people you both knew prior to the breakup or both met during your time. Their own friends may be people you get on with and are even quite tight with during the relationship, but take it as a given that if you break up, they’ll still be friend’s with your ex and may take their side, just like your own friends would with you. If you still remain friends with a distinct identity from the relationship and with no hidden agenda of using them as a direct line to your ex, it’s a bonus.
7. When your ex wants to ‘touch base’ after the breakup and they know you’re hurting and it’s not to get back together, it’s because they prioritise their comfort over yours. They’re not empathising with your position. They may assume their level of hurt is your level of hurt, or that they’re coping or would like to hear from someone if they were brokenhearted – this may send mixed signals and even torment you!
8. You don’t need the other person’s permission to break up. Once one person wants out, they want out. You also don’t need to gain agreement from them on your perspective or agree with theirs.
9. It’s not a breakup if you only went on a few dates. Yes really.
10. There’s no such thing as an ideal breakup. It’s like that scene where Borat is in the shop and the more he tries to avoid breaking stuff, the more stuff he breaks. Even when someone is as nice as pie, it hurts at the time. The only time it might not hurt is when you didn’t care anyway, although you’d be surprised how many people I hear from who didn’t care, but decided they felt rejected after it ended. And you know what? The more you try to avoid the pain and to fight the sense of rejection, is the more pain you end up in. If you get on with grieving the loss instead of hunting them down for validation and trying to force it back together, there is a limited amount of pain that you’re going to experience because you’re not adding on fresh pain.
Your thoughts?
Add to favorites
One of my favorites from you Nat. I am going to share this with my teenage daughter who has been hurting for way too long. Thank you for doing this. You are wise beyond your years. <3
An ex and I had a couple mutual friends that we spent a lot of time with. After we broke up, I found I simply could not remain friends with them. I don’t want to hear about the ex and I don’t want them telling him about me. As far as I am concerned, my ex is gone forever and I want it to stay that way. He’s moved on and in another long-term relationship which I assume he is happy in. But I just cannot maintain friendship with friends of his. I guess that would mean I’m cold or heartless but it’s what feels right for me. Staying friends with them would be like keeping that old wound open. I’ve never found any other way around it other than to let them go.
Good post
I would add #11. The longer you put off a breakup that needs to happen, the more hurtful it’s gonna be. Spending my weekend running a 50 miler; nothing like sore body parts to keep the ol brain off the AC.
Perfect timing. Ex and I have been circling each other for 4 months of up and down, will we or won’t we get back together. It was confusing, when one wanted back the other didn’t. Finally he had the good sense to do what I have tried to do unsuccessfully many times. Stop talking to each other. If we had done this from the very beginning we would be ok today. We are in the same circle and do come in contact a few times a week in a public setting but don’t have to say more than hello and that’s IF we cross paths. It’s nice not to have to figure someone out and deal with the chemistry confusion. We both realize just because we’re attracted to each other and have laughs doesn’t mean we should be married.
This came at a very appropriate time for me. I am soooo sick of the disappoinments. I feel so foolish because I believe in a man too easily and go off the deep end repeatedly when I obviously cannot swim. Yes, I do have a tendency to think something is wrong with me. I will even admit that I have projected my feelings of insecurity onto him (whoever he is at the time). I believe this is the chief reason I keep striking out. Men want a confident woman who feels she is worthy of the time spent , the respect, truth, caring and love. I’m STILL working on trying to believe that and after many,many years I’m not able to sustain a relationship. Granted, I was married to a good man for >23 years who died 6 years ago which renders me really ill equipped for today’s dating scene. But, I feel that the reason I’m ill equipped is because I have very low self esteem and no self confidence. And, I don’t know why. I’m certainly very attractive, intelligent with oodles of charm. I guess it remains simply a smooth veneer, and does not exist in my heart and mind. I’m currently working with a psychologist because these feeling that I carry around did not begin yesterday. They go waaaayyy back to my youth.
Boy, I really needed this today. I am suffering so much agony over a recent breakup and need to be reminded of all these issues. After three years and yes, boundary busting left and right, I still felt love for him and now that we have called it quits, I am hurting so much even though I know we simply had different ideas about ‘committment’ I was committed to him and he was committed to be emotionally unfaithful – we had split up twice during those three years and he begged for forgiveness so I took him back – and yes, the real issues were never addressed, so point number two is right on for me. This last attempt at reconciliation included looking for a place together – a milestone we had not reached before. and only weeks later, we were done and he is now with someone he insisted was ‘just a friend” and one of my friends! Well of course, not any longer.
and point number 6 is what I am really struggling with – ‘friends’ that have disappeared and are now entertaining him and his new girl… I feel betrayed and so angry and frankly, heartbroken and abandoned. But reading it here made sense. How can they support and encourage this behavior knowing I am devastated? Not one call to see how I am holding up . nothing.
I was clearing out some voice messages on my cell when I heard one from him only weeks before -” I love, you, I miss you and you are my world ” I thought I would never stop shaking…. I can’t help wonder if he isn’t saying those exact words to her. But the truth is, I wasn’t happy – I knew things wee going south, we didn’t have the same values and goals and yet the pain of breaking up is almost unbearable.
I know, in time, I will heal and the grief will subside….but it really is hell now. I cry almost every day and no, I am not a teenager – I am a 53 year old woman who feels like love has evaded me, rewarded him and I am alone. So thank you for these reminders. They are a comfort and I know I tried everything in my power to make a broken relationship work with a very broken man.
Thank you Natalie for your wisdom and strength. It really helps me get through the days and nights…..
FinallyCaughtOn – So sorry to hear about your pain. I know it’s devastating. I have been going through the back an forth of accepting my relationship has been and is over for some time now. And as of this week finally decided I am not and cannot go back. Hearing that voicemail must have been such heartache. I have played that same event over and over again in my head – how can this person tell me I am the most important person in his life, his best friend, “his world” – only to have him tell me he has changed his mind the next day. I know how much hurt and pain you feel, but I have recognized that it hurts even more when I am allowing someone to hurt me than to feel the hurt of letting go. It’s been a long road of discovery and a very scary truth to face. But I no longer want to feel lonely and sad while WITH someone. I’d rather find a way to be happy and content by myself.
Natalie is spot on with #2 and #4. The hurt, fear and sadness of a breakup often has us running back to ease the pain. But we end up hurting ourselves and prolonging the inevitable only to find ourselves back in the same position facing the same painful emotions.
You certainly don’t have to be a teenager to cry over a broken heart. You are a strong woman who gave her heart truly and deeply – it’s certainly a disappointment when our relationships don’t work out and we have to face the truth about the person we love(d). Let yourself be okay with being upset and know you are certainly not alone.
Best wishes.
Finally caught on & Lilian Lauderdale
You are both saying exactly what I feel and am going through this very weekend. I told the boyfriend yesterday I did not want to be with him any longer, after seven mostly painful years. I feel sad, disappointed, numb and empty, but also oddly proud. I am finally standing up for myself – I have come to the point where I’d rather face a future alone than being in a relationship where I don’t matter. It hurts, yes, but I am determined to see this through.
Thanks Natalie for this very timely post.
Georgia
“I have come to the point where I’d rather face a future alone than being in a relationship where I don’t matter.”
Well said. That sums up my own feelings. I was in a relationship where I didn’t matter. Reading BR made me realise that I was also in a relationship with myself – and one in which I didn’t matter (it wasn’t just him who thought I didn’t matter – it was me too!)
Being in a relationship where we don’t matter is way worse than not being in one at all. Better to nurture a relationship with yourself where you do matter. We have to learn to matter to ourselves so that we are way less likely to let someone else treat us like we don’t matter.
@FinallyCaughtOn,
I know the pain you’re going through. It feels pretty raw and awful right now. But try to focus on the bad memories instead of any good ones. Remember that he never was capable of commitment, and he certainly won’t give the new woman that. It’s not like she just landed a big prize of a guy. She’s going to waste a bunch of time on this guy with a bunch of future faking promises and mind effery too. They don’t change. They just change women.
As for the fact that she was your friend, I think you need to do what I did in the last year or so. Edit all toxic people out of your life. That means anyone who doesn’t have your back, who sucks your energy, or who in any way doesn’t seems sincere. It might be lonely for awhile, but you’ll eventually draw the good healthy people to you and your life will become remarkably better for it.
Btw, people stay friends with the ex because, even if they sympathize with your pain, they’re still not emotionally invested in it. If it’s easy and pleasant to hang out with the ex, they will. I’d only expect loyalty from people who were your friends and on your side to begin with. You know who they are. The others are expendable. Accept that it’s over and close the door on him and anyone who doesn’t support you. It’s a new day, and life will get better once you learn to focus on you. It happens! I know. It’s been a year since I dumped my AC (and peripheral friends) and I’m way happier.
Number 7-What is up with that one? Why do they call to just stay in touch? Nothing more, no initiation of a conversation. It’s almost like they won’t let go. Nat is right it is torture, I either go NC or let him now it annoys me, then about 4-6 weeks later, boom! No sense whatsoever. But it is cruel, I actually tremble, and cry. I know it is a reality check, but will it ever get easier?
Never Too Late, YES it will get easier with NC! I think that these ass clowns get in touch at a time when they think they have just left enough time for the dust to settle and that you will be willing to embrace a friendship with them so that they have you in their little black book as someone who will give them the time of day! I think they also do it as a sense of them controlling the relationship at a level that they feel comfortable with. They are not thinking of your feelings at all, they are thinking only of themselves, getting an ego stroke, etc etc especially if you have allowed them to press the reset button in the past. (I was so guilty of letting this happen). But that was then and this is now. you do not allow that behaviour anymore and think they are quite puzzled when they try all sorts of different ways to get any attention from you again and you firmly remain NC. Its the only way to go! Take care.
Well said, truth=freedom.
If these exes really cared about our well-being, they would leave us be. Their little pokes and prods for attention are allllll about them. Maybe they had a bad day, and want an ego-fluff; maybe they had a great day, and are feeling emboldened by it. Either way, by not respecting our choice to distance ourselves, they are being disrespectful, intrusive, and unkind. Bah!
i do not think that two can be friends after a breakup whatever the time spent apart . either they are still in love or they never were in love.
i loved nbr 3 the most – distance does give objectivity… very true.
n do not overthink about it, ruminate about coulda shoulda, get busy…
thank u natalie u r v.wise
have a nice weekend all
I saw the ex again today at a social gathering after months of No contact. It is nearly a year since we broke up. I have had my bad days but all in all I am moving on and happy. When I saw him again he looked more in shape and had made improvements to his life. I also kept talking about things to the group I knew he would get or to emphasise how happy and different I am.
When I left I felt this sadness because he seemed so happy and for some reason that felt like all the progress I had made and all the happy I got meant less because he was not somewhere missing me or crying with regret.
I then started to imagine that because he had made these changes maybe it meant that he could be a good BF again. I then felt like because he is so happy now maybe he was not the issue in the relationship maybe it was me.
I do not understand why his happiness makes me so sad and why I was trying to engage his attention by purposely talking about things that he got.
I thought that I had made such progress but after today It feels like I am still the same broken mess from a year ago.
the 3 times I have seen him since the breakup have all left me sad or angry or crying. I want to get to a point where seeing him is no big deal. It is nearly a year and that has not happened.
Aw Jane 🙁 Hugs.
I’d say that that’s more a demonstration of why NC works and you need it, rather than any sort of reflection of your progress in the past year.
Why you had that reaction is easy, I think… one reason is because it hurts and it’s difficult to break ties and lose the intimacy that you had with anyone, even if it’s a crappy relationship. That’s what makes you fantasize and cry.
But having said that, it’s difficult… but you’ve done it! Go you! Sometimes life IS difficult, and some of us are so afraid of that that we self-medicate by avoiding the difficulties at all costs, even to the detriment of our self-esteem and wellbeing. But you’re DOING the difficult thing and what’s more, you’re happy doing it! That’s great!
The other reason that you found it hard is because, basically, you want life to be fair and it’s not (I know this one really well!). You’d like for him to suffer some big obvious retribution because that’d go to show that you were right, he was wrong and that, even if he didn’t actively realise it, losing you had a big negative impact on his life.
I don’t know how to put a positive spin on this one so much – life isn’t fair and, ime, there is a thing about wanting a ‘life script’ that at least makes you of minimal importance to someone else – it hurts to think that you’re not (again, I know this one well!)
BUT his tragedy isn’t so much that losing you had a big impact on his life… his tragedy is that losing ANYONE won’t have that big an impact on his life. He can be with someone as lovely as you are, who cared for him as much as you did and appreciate it so little that he can’t miss it when it’s gone. That’s awful, it’s like going on a journey with your eyes tightly closed and missing all the beautiful things that you could be seeing. It’s not a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on him and unless he sorts it (which’d involve realising how nasty he was to you and feeling horrible about it) then he’ll go through life like that and miss out on an awful lot.
So I wouldn’t worry about your reaction too much (you’re human, it’s a fairly standard human reaction tbh, and it goes without saying that you’ll bump into him from time to time)… just keep in mind that the end result of Not Keeping NC would be to feel like that all the time. That’s why you’re NC. And it sounds as though you’re doing really really well.
“He can be with someone as lovely as you are, who cared for him as much as you did and appreciate it so little that he can’t miss it when it’s gone.”
Sorry, that’s way speculative. You (and I) actually don’t know a) whether he really is better off without you and b) whether his life really has improved. It’s none of your business anymore and, anyway, you’re bothered about your OWN life, which is going nicely 🙂
What (I think!) I’m saying is that either a) he was bothered, but not enough to change in which case HE’S the one that is emotionally stunted and that’s sad or b) he wasn’t bothered, in which case HE’S the one that is emotionally stunted and that’s sad. Either way, it’s sad for him but there’s nothing you can do about it – he’s choosing to be that way and there’s nothing that you can do about it.
Jane, I totally agree with all Yoghurts thoughts. This is how their puffed up ego behaves. You said he is more ‘in shape’ and has made improvements in his life. He knew you were there and listening so he is going to inflate himself to some fantastic catch of a person that he never was when he was with you. Its a game! I think these ex AC know our insecurities very well and the fact you were engaging him and trying to talk purposely about things he got is lost on them. I think silence is golden, tell them nothing of your progress, your life, your happiness as that is really none of their business anymore. Its your business to live your life authentically without exes messing with your head. You HAVE come a long way and you are moving on to happy times and happier relationships.
Jane,
Sounds like your grieving wasn;t complete, probably becasue you stopped it and seeing him is helping you complete the grieving. He may be going throught the same thing. I also saw my ex again, we hve been broken up for 10 months and it was nice to see him and I don’t want him back, but I feel he does and this is hard becasue i like him as a friend and i love his daughter who i miss and want to see again. Am afraid it might not be so easy to be just friends. we are great as friends and i didn’t like who i was with him as a gf. I had issues with him in finances and sex, 2 pretty big areas. I was blunt about it and he didn’t like, nor did I. His finances seem to have gotten better, but he still has enormous debt and isn’t very responsible that way. He thinks that now that his divorce is final i want to come back, but he seems to forget all the issues……anyways, i don;t even like wasting my energy this way. I want to be friends, but am not sure it will work. I find most ex’s always try to get back into the nook. Frustrating. Anyways, good luck with yours. Probably best to stay away, but I think the fact that he’s not trying to go back is good, becasue there was probably a good reason you broke up in the first place. Just know that you are still completing the grieving process. I know, it takes a long time sometimes.
Hmmm, not sure I agree with that, chloe – I don’t think that for jane to see him again would complete so much as prolong the grieving process.
A nice normal ex who treated you respectfully is alright, I think, but seeing someone who’s been horrible to you again is like banging your head back against a brick wall to see if it still hurts.
With your situation… it seems pretty clear that you aren’t interested in a relationship with him and if he is then seeing him is only going to mess with his head and that doesn’t seem very fair to me. I appreciate that there are things that you miss about him but if he’s not over you then it’s more hassle and pain than gain for both of you. I’d leave him to get on with his life, tbh.
chloe
im not sure he does want you back so much as wants to screw you over some more. he may not see it like that. the egos can be so gargantuan they actually believe they have something to offer poor little us.
i get the impression that your boundaries are fuzzy and you’re not as over it as you think. there’s no shame in that but the solution isn’t to keep putting your hand in the fire but to tell him to hit the road. Or more ideally hit the road yourself and hightail it out of there.
” I find most ex’s always try to get back into the nook.” So did I until I finally shut the door on every last one of them. The unexpected bonus is that when I see the man I come to him afresh and not dragging behind me a truckload of baggage. And even if there is no new man, life is much lighter and brighter without the garbage. All the men in my life – colleagues, my brothers, men at church – treat me with love and/or respect. It’s been the final stop to any grieving over my past failures. It’s not about raking over the past but stepping into the future with hope. Your life can change.
Friend don’t always make good partners (which is something i am alert to but not paranoid about) and if the relationship fails in most cases you have to kiss the friendship goodbye as well. There are rare exceptions but I don’t see anything in your comment to suggest that’s the case for you.
Grace, how did you shut the door ?
I am having so much trouble doing it – sounds pathetic really
but it’s like an addiction.
The ex is taking me out for my birthday this weekend – he has booked a table at my favourite restaurant and as in past years, will pitch up to my house with a bottle of really nice champagne to drink before we go. I know I shouldn’t be going and that it doesn’t mean anything to him but it is also hard to turn down and stay in on my own on Saturday night. All my friends are in couples and I’m spending a lot of time on my own.
He also is coming with me to an event at the olympics the following week. I had a spare ticket and he asked if I wold invite him. I find it hard to say no.
I’m putting my hand into the fire over and over and guess what … I’m gonna get burned.
He can obvs be just friends with me but I’ve got a hope that he will change his mind and want to get back together. Help me !
Lou, I went through the same once. After breaking up my boyfriend came over at least once a week, just as a friend but it completely messed with my mind. It was impossible for me to move on though I knew he was dating around. Months and months went by this way.
We started to fool around but he didn´t want any commitment. After almost a year like this I had so much resentment inside that I got physically ill and just exploded for new year´s eve when he told me he wanted to go out celebrate with me but with no strings attached (this was after he had spent Christmas at my family´s).
Looking back, it was a complete waste of time. I had the chance to go travelling with my best (girl)friend but I didn´t go because I thought I was giving this relationship another chance.
So please please please take care of yourself and close that door! Don´t think he will change his mind if you stick around – he won´t. Just go by what he is doing NOW and act accordingly.
Lou,
You go NC! You tell him it is difficult to stay in contact and not to contact you anymore. Period!
Next, you get yourself busy: classes, volunteering, Meetups, clubs etc….. This is what I did, not only did I move on from the ex, but I also created many new friendships and interests.
No more excuses! Stop holding yourself back and move forward with your life!
Hi Lou,
I’m not Grace and no where near where she is in her development so take this with a grain of salt. Your question “how do I shut the door” resonated with me because I had a really, really tough time shutting the door too. Here’s the thing, you know you shouldn’t be going, it doesn’t mean a thing to him but you don’t want to be alone. That speaks volumes to me because I did it too. I got so burned, I used to have nubs for limbs. You may get burned again because you don’t want to be alone? Maybe it’s time to face why you don’t want to be alone and will do anything to avoid it, including getting burned again? I had to face why I kept playing in traffic, placing my hands in the fire in order to avoid being alone too. I survived the past two birthdays alone. I’m finally at the point where I don’t fear being alone because I’m not. I was more alone when I was with him. “He asked if you would invite him”? Err, NO! Sell the tic. It’s broken. So very sorry. I kept hoping too! Even if you got back together, what would you be getting? Same guy? Different day?
So Lou, what I learned the hard way is you shut the door by shutting the door. Sealing it, never responding, blocking him in every way, and taking the time to focus on yourself. Trust me, I kept the door ajar hoping he’d see the light. Just got burned every time. After many attempts, I wasn’t the exception. I was the rule.
I think a lot of us here struggle with letting go even in the face of repeated and irrefutable evidence that it is the only option to stop getting burned and achieve happiness.
I recently heard Kelly Hogan’s beautifully sung “I Like to Keep Myself in Pain” and as I listened to the lyrics, it struck me that the pain is what is left for us… . There was pain then and now and, although we wouldn’t say we like it, I think we may cling to it. Until we’re ready to let go entirely, the pain maintains the illusion of connection even if we are NC with the person who caused it.
I’m not sure if I explained this as well as I would have liked but, it’s worth listening to the song!
Hi Lou
I was you the ex eum took me out for my birthday acted just like he did when we were dating but he wanted nothing except maybe an ego stroke I wanted more and so the chase began he turned cold after this meeting and I had to conclude after much pain that no contact was the way to go just to gain perspective and give myself and opportunity to get over him. Maybe after a period of no contact you two could be friends but while you both want different things he will reap all the benefits and you all the pain.
Lou
I’m teflon coated these days so I would have the conversation telling him that I can’t be friends as it’s stopping me from moving on. However, if you feel the power is too skewed in his favour just drop him a text or email.
Seriously, you’d be better off sitting home alone on your birthday and weeping into your tragic cupcake then going on a faux date with him. Lots of men, even decent(ish) men are happy to take what’s on offer – attention, affection, friendship from an attractive woman – without any commitment whatsoever. Which is fine if it’s mutual but there’s no embarrassment and nothing to be ashamed of if you can’t handle it. Being “cool” and able to “handle it” is overrated. It’s of huge benefit to men but I don’t see what the women get out of it. Who cares about a meal and champagne? There’s no point pretending you don’t feel what you do. It’s not to say we should be emoting all over the place but you know what you feel and you need to take note.
I’ve been in your situation for years – no friends in the vicinity and much reduced contact with my family but I did get through it and life is good. I know I can survive loneliness which ironically gives me the confidence to go out and make friends because I’m just not as needy.
Grit your teeth and weather the storm. Make yourself go out at least once a week. There are evening classes where you don’t even have to study (I did wine-tasting). Libraries have book groups. There are churches. It doesn’t matter if everyone there is twice your age. People are people.
Most of my friends are couples too but I find the women are very happy to go shopping or get something to eat with me. They don’t want to spend ALL their time with their husbands.
Because he is in your life and you are fond of him, you are pinning hopes on him which he can’t fulfil. It’s disappointment upon disappointment and can eat up a lot of time. Better to carve out your own niche.
Thing is though, Jane, you say that you were putting your best face forward and trying to show him how together and happy you are now. Chances are he could have been doing the same. Trying to make you think that things are all good with him now. He may well have found the break up tough as well but you wouldn’t necessarily see that from your chance encounter. Hope that helps.
@Tinkerbell, I hear you about the insecurities but EUM’s have a tendency to bring out our worst qualities and turn us into “crazy, needy, insecure girl” when they blow hot and cold and pull a 360. My last relationship with a fast forwarder – future faker who treated me like I was the best thing since sliced bread, at the beginning he would text me every morning before I was awake. At the end he wouldn’t contact me until the afternoon and became very distant. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Hugs.
@finally Getting It
Right on! They definitely start off consistently with all the early morning texts and keeping tabs on you through out the day. As soon as signs of anything so much as the word Committment shows up in any form to to them they are already out the Back Door and looking for their next easy Prey….only To do a rinse and repeat all over again. And as soon as that wears Off or blows cold they are ready to hit Reset. It’s just a cycle. It’s so pethetic. Even today with reading all of every one’s comments and reading all these other stories on BR I am so glad that Its over between us. These unavailable emotionless assclowns definitely don’t change. The only thing they do change is women..
Thanks for writing this Nat! I recently broke up with my ex boyf who, was wonderful during the first 3-4 months, but turned out to be passive aggressive. Going back and re-reading your blog helped me to accept the reality of the situation and walk away.
I am now in counseling trying to figure out why I am attracted to “nice guys” who turn out to be effed up! I think that deep down inside I don’t feel as though I am worthy of being with someone who will truly love me and stand by me for the long haul. Hopefully, counseling will help me come to terms with my insecurities so that I can eventually find the love that I deserve; just like you did 😀
Ladies,
I wanted to share the beautiful and powerful words contained in a birthday card that my ex-EUM gave me six months ago when I turned 50. The words were very powerful and I hope that you will read them and be encouraged by them. Little did he know that those same words contained in that card would give me the strength that I needed to walk away from his effed up azz. LOL!!…..
ON YOUR BIRTHDAY
PROMISE me you’ll never settle for anything less than extraordinary…because that’s what you deserve.
PROMISE you’ll always believe in yourself and the possibilities of each dream…because you can do anything.
PROMISE you’ll never forget how far you’ve come…because it’ll help you remember how far you can go.
….and that you’ll always see yourself the way others see you…because you’re beautiful, inside and out.
Happy Birthday,
Love Stuart
Nice!
@Gina
You are worthy to be with the right man who is capable of loving and wanting to be loved back and have a right relationship with you. Saying that you are not worthy is just the wrong mindset. Dealing with a passive aggressive man can really reap havoc on your self esteem if you allow it. They always use Silence to make you suffer mentally. Hopefully you got OUT in time. I was dealing with a passive aggressive man who isn’t capable of having a normal relationship with any woman and I don’t care how bad off he was; I know that I am still worthy of attracting the right man into my life. Don’t think that you’re not worthy. These assclowns will have you thinking that you are not but That is so far from the TRUTH….
Jane
It doesn’t matter if he did make positive changes; between you and him, the dynamic aint gonna change. The problem is a clash of values. I offloaded a toxic friend of 5 years and when I saw him, he had lost weight and looked great. However, as glad as he seemed to see me, he is still involved with someone else which he didn’t bother to mention and his character hasn’t changed one iota.
You ladies are right!
I am playing the “life is not fair he should be miserable” song in my head.
His happiness does not take away from my own. If he was miserable it would feed my ego and validate my worth but it will not change all that has happened.
I was forgetting that the fact that he is in better shape or making progress in his life does not mean that he is a changed person where it fundamentally counts. Further even if he has changed and is going to be the best bf that has nothing to do with me. He has made no indication that he wants to be that person with me.
I think that whenever I see my ex I start creating one sided drama in my head and thinking about what he did and what would happen if we got back together or if he apologised. It allows me to ignore the reality of the situation which is that for the past year since our breakup this person has made no real attempt to apologise or acknowledge the hurt he caused me. Truth is he may never do this and I can’t keep fantasizing that he will.
All his attempts to contact me have been ways to gage how angry I am (i ignored the birthday text and Facebook message) as opposed to actually make amends.
When we were together and he did something wrong or broke up with me. I would sit, cry and fantasize about him apologising and being better. I would of course like any fallback girl keep being his friend and sometimes friends with benefit. He always apologised and it always went like this ” I am sorry, you are amazing, I do not know why I do the things I do. I will do better, I will put you first etc.” I was so caught up that I would always take him back. I ignored the fact that his apology was an indicator that he had not changed. How could he, he admitted he didn’t know why he did the things he did. This meant that he was bound to repeat that behaviour in some shape or form; which he did.
I need to put less emphasise on these apologies because I have had so many and I know they get me no where.
Seeing the ex will have less of an impact in time. I am also lucky that I feel this negativity and anxiety once every few months than if I had kept contact and felt it every day.
Thank you ladies 🙂
@ Awakened: thank you very much for your words of support and encouragement. My parents made me feel unworthy when I was growing up. My mom was verbally abusive (very much like the mom in the movie “Precious”) and my dad was a violent alcoholic. I attract men who reject me cause that’s what they did. Counseling is helping me to come to terms with my issues.
I think maybe my exAC died when he did not because of anything to with me, but I can see that whatever that spirit that looks after me is, knew that I hah had enough. So I had done my one final last NC &stuck to it. And then he died. And now I’m at peace. And so (hopefully) is he. If that’s not a break up I don’t know what is. Instead of his ‘ghost’ haunting me so much now instead I sometimes see him in my minds eye as I try to drift off to sleep. On the advice of a friend I tell him gently to go to thward the light. That it’s over now. That his (deceased) Mother is waiting for him there & he’s going to be ok. Last night when I told him his Mum was waiting for him there he looked back at me & said ‘really?’ & his face lit up from being lost & sad to happy & child like. I kept telling to go toward the light to be with her there & that it’s peaceful there. I don’t know what else to do. It seemed to work. I haven’t had time to go to the church to light a candle for him yet…(despite my mixed emotions about how he treated me toward the end, I would still like to do this. I’m waiting 6 wks until after my exams…sigh)… Yep. Dead is well & truely broken up for good this time (as indeed it should have been anyway which is why I was in NC)…
I’m not sure exactly why but DEAD does feel a little bit different to broken up though. It’s like there’s a deep knowing that no amends will ever be made by the other party for their (oh so many!) wrongdoings… A knowing that they got to be the person the had the potential to be & instead squandered their life making bad decisions & being an AC. A deep knowing that no matter how much pain that caused others it had to have caused them 10 fold more (ie he was only an AC & not a psychopath). A deep knowing of all the pain they’ve caused not only myself but so many others which will never be put right (except through our own determination to learn the lessons, forgive, let go & not to repeat the mistakes of the past anew with someone else). A FINALITY which goes beyond a mere breakup (which is not to minimise anyone’s breakup experience). I dunno. I still can’t really afford to let the floodgates open because I need to concentrate on my studies (at which I’ve failed miserably so far despite my best efforts) but once my exams are over I really am looking forward to doing some counselling on all of this. I feel a tad adrift from the world. Thank goodness I have my studies to focus on. It’s always my safe haven & right now that’s exactly what I need (as I’m also still waiting for my best friend to return from o.s). Sigh.
Feeling great as of today. Heading into my 5th week of NC tomorrow… It just feels great coming here; reading; sharing and reflecting.. I tell you it HELPS.. Last night I played private investigator. Went snooping on the very dating site that I met my EUM also passive aggressive ass clown on. His profile Active 2 weeks now and he is searching for someone ages 25-37… Nothing really changed about his profile. His occupation now states.. I’ll tell you later. I guess he doesn’t want to reveal he’s now LAID OFF from his main job and works at Walmart part time. Same 3 pics that he used when we met… Not a one updated.. He is looking for someone that he can TRUST….. he says… Someone who values their kids if they have any and poses his headline as Mr. Nice Guy…. Your dating profile should reflect you not your KIDS…. and now it lets me know why he brought his daughter along for his first trip(long distance relationship) to see me… it explains that their is something mentally wrong some where and why he used his daughter as a shield.. Sad but certainly true. What could he possibly want with a 25 year old? someone 10 years his senior. I know that I really didn’t need to go snooping but somehow after I did it It didn’t make me feel any kind of way. I created a fake profile set on private so he had no idea that I was looking. I know ladies… its not good to go snooping especially after you know its over. I honestly felt nothing behind it after the fact cause all it really did was give confirmation of who I was really fooling with for the past 8/9 months…. And he’s using the same LAME profile to lure his next victim. Sad but true…
Awakened
Anyone who headlines themselves as “Mr Nice Guy” has got to be a dodgy assclown – it reeks of insincerity.
Hi Awakened,
Congrats on being 5 weeks NC! You’re just hitting the time when the Go Me! excitement of having broken it off can move into the regular day-to-day of your own life. You may be looking to reinject excitement and drama into your life. Don’t be like a dog returning to its vomit – step back from the dating site.
The fact that you took the trouble to make a fake profile to spend time looking at his and caring about it means you still have work to do to distance yourself emotionally.
Stick to NC, stop checking his profile and if you find yourself bored without the drama of his behaviour, focus on that and on you and see if there isn’t another way to occupy your mind and do something good for yourself.
I’m wondering…how do you cope with being broken after a relationship ha ended (one year) when you are pretty much over the person but still not the same.
I have been broken up with my last boyfriend now for over a year and I am still dealing with the aftermath. The man basically humiliated me on a number of occasions so I cut my losses and ran..he clearly didn’t love me and if he actually did care about me he certainly cared more about himself. Anyway, the few months after that were hell…but still a year later..trying to find someone new..and I just feel terrified. I am finding myself unable to develop feelings for anyone and I don’t feel good for anyone. When I got with my ex I still had a shred of feeling good about myself left, feeling attractive, feeling worthy…now his put-downs just echo in my ear and I rarely ever feel more than inadequate. . plus I am in the icky late twenties where I’m at a crossroads..
I am just finding it hard to put myself back together. I would like to meet someone and settle down but I feel a part of me is broken. Have any of you felt this and how did you overcome it?
Hey S
I think it’s interesting that your self-esteem has gone downhill SINCE you left him – that indicates that it’s something that you’re doing to yourself. What’s your life looking like these days? Do you enjoy your job, your hobbies, your friends, are you comfortable in your home? Do you feel as though your life’s moving forward?
If I were to hazard a guess – and it is a guess, of course – I’d say that it sounds as though leaving him has left a big hole in your life (time, thought and energy-wise) that you haven’t filled, so you feel that life is unrewarding since you left him and this triggers the idea that maybe he was right…?
It’s annoying and unfair that, after the initial horrific effort of leaving someone, we’re then obliged to put FURTHER effort into getting us lives going again, but that’s the way that it is, ime. Otherwise you just get bogged down in the bad old place that you were in when you left.
I wouldn’t concentrate on meeting a man just yet, tbh – if you don’t feel ready then you don’t feel ready. Instead, I’d concentrate on doing interesting fun things where you learn new skills and get to meet new friends in an unpressured environment (ie NOT a date).
Oh, and if your ex’s voice starts echoing in your ear again, just tell him to go screw himself. You LEFT him because he thought all of those things – why go to all that effort and then let him carry on putting you down?
@Fearless. Exactly! He should have assclown written across his forehead. That headline was a Red Flag in itself…. Its nothing more than a “Cover Up” for Mr. Jekyll and Hyde……
@S
You cope by getting on with your life. You’ll get your self esteem and self worth back over time. A year is really enough time to have pulled yourself together but it just depends on the type of guy you were involved with. If he was EUM; passive aggressive he could have left you very damaged emotionally and mentally. After breaking away from someone like this in your life; Dating someone new would be the last thing that I would be focused on right now because you risk the chance of attracting the same type of guy. Give yourself TIME and Space to Heal and work on you. After you get back to a healthy place where you are feeling better as a person with or without a MAN you will be better off.
On Wednesday, I will see the ex-EUM/AC for the first time in almost a year. After total NC, I had to break it to ask for something back. He failed to pass it to a mutual friend as promised. I felt very confident when we spoke and sure that my sole aim is to drive round and get back this valuable item.
After posting on here about his awful behaviour and how destroyed I was and how wonderful it is to read BR, I’m now afraid that all the feelings will come back. I can pretty much predict that he won’t apologise or beg me to be his ‘friend’ – but I fear that he will either do something subtle to make me think I was wrong and we should make up, or he will produce some kind of backhanded insult to make me feel like nothing. Even if he’s clearly the fake-assed liar he was last time I saw him, it will hurt. Whatever happens will hurt.
I know I’ve come a long way since those times, but have I really learned that much? I’m afraid I haven’t. I can’t deny that there’s a bit of excitement and those niggling doubts, ‘what if I got it all wrong and he is just a nice guy, what if he’s not an assclown’, hmm I laugh when I write it but he fooled me so many times, what if he fools me again. We simplify people when we’re away, it gets more complicated close up.
happy b
“Whatever happens will hurt.”
Yep. Only sure thing is that, whatever, it will hurt. Get someone else to make the trip to collect the item. It’s not beyond the wit of man for you to get your thing back without having to go and get it yourself from him. Sounds like you just want to check that you were right about him the first time – to check that a miracle hasn’t happened. You were right the first time; there’s been no miracle. If he wanted genuinely to fix things, to sincerely address the issues and try again you’d have heard all about it by now. There’s nothing to find out that you don’t already know. There’s still time for you to ask yourself for an honest answer to the question, why are you going? Whatever you do, take care!
Happyb
sorry, also – if he gave a crap he’d have got your valuable item back to you by now; he’d have done as you asked. He didn’t bother his arse. I’d suggest you don’t give him the chance or the satisfaction by showing up in person; think about the message that sends to him about you. Best message for him to get is that you are smarter than he thought and so you want nothing more to do with him. Your call though.
Fearless, I can’t believe what an asshole he is. He’s had so long to return it and ignored requests from our mutual friend. I don’t get an apology, and he’s even being ambiguous on the arrangements! I need no more validation from BR that he is an assclown. Clearly not an ounce of remorse, for anything. I could scream. And I have mutual people making me feel bad for not making peace, saying ‘that’s just him’.
I was doubting myself when I wrote the comment, got a bit emotional from having contact, but really there’s no going back. I couldn’t see him as anything but a greaseball. The biggest hurt will be to look at him and see what I wasted and how humiliated I was. How could I ever think this mollusc was more valuable than me?
Kerry – yes I hear all your words, that’s exactly it. Had to deal with him being all hunkydory with my ending it after we’d been each others’ closest. But you know what? He, and I’m sure your assclown, just isn’t capable of genuine emotion or action, not for anyone. I now see it as him being pathetic, not me being unworthy, but for years, I put my self worth in the hands of this ‘man’. Imagine what that did to me.
And Awakened, thank you. If I have to do it, that’s what I’ll do but am leaning towards making alternative arrangements, even if it delays it getting back to me.
Happy b
I understand your feelings very well. Just goes to show that new contact (even minimal) equals new pain. Find an understanding, sensible, calm and collected, friend/relative, preferably a male who’s older and bigger than your ex – not a female. When you know your ex is very likely to be at home send this person to collect your thing. Done. And don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t know what they’re talking about. Be self-assured and make no apologies to anyone for doing what you need to do to save yourself from more pain at the hands of this selfish clown.
Again, sorry, Happy b, I meant to say too that send one of *your* people – NOT a mutual friend. A mutual friend is too, well… ‘mutual’.
Too much unnecessary drama is being created over the thing, what with mutual friends being involved/recruited and offering their opinions etc…. keep mutual friends right out of it. If you have to get it back, do it the cleanest, fastest way you can with a minimum of fuss; it’s all this fuss that’s getting you wound up.
Happy b,
Remember, the mutual friends or friends of his, don’t really know what he’s all about. I also got criticized for dumping my AC’s ass and cutting him off. But those friends didn’t have to endure years of putdowns that slowly ate up your self-esteem, causing you major damage that you now have to repair.
If you dumped him, then you will forever deserve punishment in his mind. Right now it’s indifference, the message that you never mattered anyway. If you got back with him, he’d torment you like a cat with a mouse. There’s no option other than to stay away. After I broke up with him, my AC would see me in public and look right through me with such indifference it wasn’t even human.
These guys are toxic, miserable people who get their jollies hurting the women who get close. I too feel humiliated for being “duped,” but I’m learning to forgive myself, heal, and move on. It’s not easy, because we were emotionally abused. But stick to NC and working on your own issues, not worrying about his.
Take care,
Kerry
I think you’re in the same boat I’m in, from the sounds of it. It’s been a year for me, too. My biggest fear in meeting up would be his total indifference. These ACs are masters of manipulation and fantastic actors. I know he would act in a way that would cause me tremendous pain, and it would be intentional.
My advice is don’t do it. Spare yourself the agony. Send a friend to pick it up.
Kerry
I think you give them too much credit. I don’t think they are masterful or fantastic. We contribute to the dynamic as well by being manipulate-able and bringing with us a truckload of fantasy and projection. If another one of these “master manipulators” crossed my path again I would just go “Wut?”
I’m not going to blame the victim but at a conf on human trafficking the presenter said that the traffickers can walk down the street and at a glance spot the women (and men) who they can victimise.
My counsellor described it this way – they’re like fishermen with many floats in the water. They wait for one to bite. Don’t bite.
I don’t mean to judge you or give you a hard time. I made the mistake over and over but I want you to know you don’t have to make it again. It’s not to say that the next man is THE ONE but there’s no way that I would ever stick around for the hot and cold, thecharm offensive (ladies, please understand this is not a green flag but a red one), sex too early, the future faking, the little putdowns, the disapearing, the other women, the letdowns, addictions, irresponsibility, showing off, even the pushing around and the punching.
Be truthful, honest, clear, open, consistent, keep to your values, have your own full life. It’s a different kind of man who values those things. It’s in all of us I believe, or most of us, but hidden by our fear and self-doubt. Free yourself and a good man will come. And even if he doesn’t there’s much joy and fun to be had being single too.
But, yes, happy b either forget the valuable item (see it like something you lost in a housefire but you escaped) or send someone else to pick it up. I’d avoid my exes too, not out of fear but embarrassment that I even gave them the time of day.
happyb-
if you saw him i hope it didn’t hurt. if it hurt, screw him, trot out your long list of things he did wrong and remind yourself of what a jerk he was. you don’t have to dwell in the pain. huge hugs just in case.
kerry et al-
i second the gentle, loving, “be careful to not identify as victim” motion. once i stopped thinking of myself that way, i noticed that others did too. and men who once would have attempted to tease, flirt with, subjugate, and manipulate me didn’t even bother trying.
not that i’m all over that, i still know i have work to do. and yes, i do fear bumping into my ex-EUM, however unlikely that would be.
but there is nothing like thinking appropriately well of one’s self to discourage the opportunistic user – they see it as too much work. and well they should.
p.s. GRACE! well?????
I got it, quick and drama free.
Thanks cc, I wrote him an unsent letter but didn’t put too much time into it, have wasted enough attention on him and don’t need to convince myself, though I still grieve the loss of an important person and do care.
Grace, I like what you said here- “I don’t think they are masterful or fantastic. We contribute to the dynamic as well by being manipulate-able”
I got deja vu and wonder if it’s because I fantasised about this moment of being indifferent towards him and side stepping his manipulations, but could never do it, always gave in. He’d seemed masterful, such subtle behaviour you could never call him on it, until I finally caught him red-handed.
I calmly resisted his arrogant and opportunistic effort. I think it’s a ‘don’t try this at home’ moment – not advisable but worked for me. Now I have no fear of bumping into him, the spell is broken. I didn’t show him any interest, not even anger. I think it’s good to know for sure how incapable of sincerity and directness he is, how he only deals in ambiguity. He just isn’t honest. That stops me from worrying that he’ll be better for someone else.
Kerry I hear what you say about the cat with the mouse. It brings back how he definitely seemed meaner, possibly emotionally sadistic, when I’d ended it the first time. I remember saying ‘you must hate me to do this’.
No doubt without BR, I wouldn’t have known how much control I could have over the situation and might have given in to the games yet again.
Happy b
Good for you.
“I think it’s good to know for sure how incapable of sincerity and directness he is, how he only deals in ambiguity. He just isn’t honest.’
Yep, sounds like my ex EUM! Dealing with these people, I see now, is just very unpleasant, unsettling and unnerving – even when I was having a good time I wasn’t sure I was really having a good time or just being made a mug of! Even when he seemed to be kind and helpful and decent I wondered if he wasn’t just patronising me (throwing me crumbs). It’s all smoke and mirrors with them – it’s very disorientating.
I was “with” mine on and off for years; I should have known him very well, but he was so slippery I felt I hardly knew him at all – I became very guarded with him; eventually I trusted nothing about him (or more to the point, I stopped making excuses and denying and minimising and accepted that I simply didn’t/couldn’t trust him). It’s all very unpleasant. After all this time, I still feel furious when I think about him and how all his promises led to…. well, “this” – nothing – just me, alone, having to build myself from the ground up, and him skipping along with his life like I/we never happened/ never existed! I find it easier to not think about him, so I don’t usually – there’s nothing pleasant there – nothing at all.
Thank for listening, BR!
Fearless, am listening and I identify with all of it. I think I’ll be mystified for a long time, with my behaviour just as much as his. I was on and off in this thing for more than a decade and it was so strange towards the end, to realise that he gave so little away despite his OTT generosity on the surface – which like you, I realised was patronising and a way to build up his ego.
No need to go on about him any longer, but maybe it can warn some people in the BR community, that you can put years and energy and love into these people and then it’s like you were never there. They just get their fix elsewhere, making sure there are always options, while we lose huge parts of ourselves. Sad, but the sooner out of it, the better, and all our lost parts will come back bigger and bolder.
@happyb
Get what you need and keep it moving. Nothing should make you think that otherwise. You are rehearsing it in your mind already in hopes of something Happening from it and Wenesday is not even here yet. Get what you need and be on your way. I would make that transition as quick as possible on Wenesday. I would act like I am so DAM Busy that when I do collect whatever I need from him I wouldn’t even have time to recognize thats he’s actually THERE….
I am hanging on by a thread here – emotionally I mean. I’m fozen numb like a block of ice! Ex now deceased AC seems to be popping into my mind a lot (possibly because I’m so ill & haven’t been able to study as much as planned). Sigh… I try not think of him & to distract myself but even the distractions are a reminder. Off the the supermarket? I remember us being at the supermarket TOGETHER & that now he’s DEAD. Off to the shopping mall to pick up a new pair of jeans that fit after dropping 10 kg due to il health in the past weeks? I see him in all the stores there we used to shop in TOGETHER & remember he is DEAD. Suddenly my mind starts racing back over where *I* went wrong & what *I* coulda, shoulda, woulda done differently if only XYZ hadn’t happened with always the same conclusion. . & then he’d still have BEEN ALIVE TODAY! This is cazy thinking I know. But it jumps up on me out of no-where at the oddest of times… I’m so tired & now, on top behind with my exam prep due to illness. I sure hope I can back on track this week b/c if I don’t the consequences will be very serious & negative for me going forward. So annoying. And I thought I was doing rather well, all things considered! Not invalidating anyone elses sitch but give me a plain old break up minus the death & bereavement issue on top of it, anyday! This is not an easy or pleasant thing for me & what about him? He wound up dead. That’s gotta be as bad as it gets surely? 🙁
Teachable,
When had you broken up? Why did you split?
Would you be together if he were alive today?
teachable
from what you’ve said about this guy it sounds like he was abusing his own health to such a degree that his untimely demise was nothing short of inevitable and that the only person who could have prevented it was him. Not to diminish his own personal tragedy, but he made his own choices. You were not his keeper.
When people are intent on a path of self-destruction there’s nothing anyone can do. You cannot save people who do not want to be saved…. Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, Amy Winehouse? (whose family fought tooth and nail by all accounts to save her from the inevitable and no doubt have tormented themselves since about what they “failed” to do. They did not fail her, she failed herself. You did not fail this man, he failed himself, sadly. The death of this ex is not about you and has nothing to do with anything you did or did not do. Your job then as now is to take care of yourself. It may be worth looking for some professional help asap?
Hugs Teachable. I’m so sorry you are going thru a double whammy. Whenever the shoulda, woulda, coulda tapes start playing, try to hit DELETE and replace the tape with you did what you could do and probably more. It’s going to take some time to grieve his death. I’m so sorry for your loss. There just was NOTHING you could do to prevent it, period. Sorry though.
Teachable, I’m so sorry this has happened. It’s hard coming to terms with losing someone particularly when you’ve had a difficult relationship with them. Everything you describe, feeling numb, weight loss, illness, recurring thoughts of the ex are all symptomatic of your grief and your thinking isn’t crazy. Feeling as if you could have prevented his death even though there was nothing you could have done is also a symptom of grief and one that I can relate to very well. I also ruminated over what I could have or should have done until I realised that sometimes we are powerless and can’t control everything that happens. You are not responsible for and did not have control over his choices. They were his and he is responsible for those. You are vulnerable right now. You want to know “why” this happened and are looking for someone to blame (yourself). His death was not your fault and sometimes there is no answer as to “why”. What helped me was to write a letter expressing my thoughts and feelings and saying all the things I never got to say (Natalie’s advice). When he pops up in your head don’t try to suppress the thoughts, acknowledge the pain and the feelings. You are still in the early stages and I understand how painful it all is, but things will get better. Lots of hugs to you.
Food for thought. I cant help remembering a break up I had and the pain was so real that I could feel it down my spine. I hated every woman and thought I’d never, ever love anyone again. There is that deceptive feeling that the person breaking with you was the right person for you and when they are gone you think it’s the end of the road. It’s good to let go, get healed and accept that it’s only a door that has closed. It will just be a matter of time that a new door will open. By the time one is losing a relationship, I know they’re preceded with efforts to make it work all in vain. And when you have done all you could and nothing is paying off, it may just be a great opportunity to take a sigh of relief, rest and refresh so that when you come back to dating you’ll feel renewed like an eagle feels, flying again with the energy of newly grown feathers. 🙂
Hey Nat, just the morning an ex and I finally put both our feet down on continuing the contact after the breakup. We broke up over 2 months ago and have been lingering around each other via text, via email, via sporadic hang outs…..it was just no good for either of us. I completely know this is whats best, timing is off, readiness was off, commitment level was off—–and although we both knew this—-it was more comforting to touch base every once in a while than not at all—- UNTRUE. This morning sucked, but the drag out almost made it seem less sucky. Thanks for all your posts, it has gotten me through quite a mess the past couple of months. Your empowering words have been great help.
I have just had a revelation that I would like to share with you ladies.
We all, at some point, have hoped that our EXs will change, become better man and come banging down our doors so that we can feel as though all the pain, betrayal and heartache we have been through was worth it because we got our happy ending.
However this is the wrong mindset. Everything we have been through is already worth it because we have learnt lessons that will hopefully allow us to make better decisions in the future and be happier. We should now all be able to spot and run from an EUM in an instant. We should all now recognize underlying beliefs and values that we had before our EXs that lead to us not only getting with these men but staying with them for lengthy periods. We should all know now that we are responsible for our happiness not a man or any other external factor.
If we look at our EXs as the cause of our problems then of course we will link the solutions to their changing or their apologizing or their behavior in general. The reality is the our EXs were merely symptoms of our underling problems. they were not the causes. You do not attract, date, fall in love and have lengthy relationships with men like this without their being some underlying problem related to our self esteem and how much value we place on ourselves.
So I repeat. All the pain and hurt we have been through is already worth it because we have come out on the other side and everyday we are getting stronger and better. We do not need our EXs to come back, change or do anything else to make this any truer.
Truth — I couldn’t agree more. I also know that a big part of my relationship with the AC was me escaping from my own issues, refusing to be still with my own life. I wanted to get numb instead, because I wasn’t happy with who I was. I’ve been motivated a lot by shame throughout my life, and it was my sense of shame that allowed me to get with an unhealthy person who was emotionally cruel and disrespectful, and it was my shame that caused me to stick around for two years.
Fortunately, I broke free. It has been an exhausting, painful process to fight for myself. This last year is the longest I’ve been single in my life. And I’m getting stronger day by day.
Now I am trying to stop the obsessive thinking about the AC. He sneaks into my mind throughout the day, and I need that to stop. It’s the last remnants of him, which is good. And I think it’s my way of hanging on to the past out of fear of facing my new future. But I’m getting there.
Well said Truth, this is so right. I don’t think I ever stood still before to look at myself, I mean really look inside myself, despite years of therapy, and try to unravel all the and choices and the whys. It’s been over a year now since XMM and a year of being single and I have learned so much about myself. I will never walk that destructive path again.
I think of it as Before Baggage reclaim and After! BBR and ABR!
@Magnolia
Thanks for your comment. You are so right for making such a statement- don’t be like a Dog returning to its vomit. I am actually not on that dating site anymore. I totally deleted my own membership and removed my profile a couple weeks ago so won’t be returning there anymore…. People on dating sites can usually have many personality problems themselves vs meeting someone out in person. It’s as if they are hiding behind something and choosing the dating site is as of a last and lowsy resort. You can pretend to be whoever you want to be online and you not really getting to see and know that person on the other end for who they really are. Men with personality disorders such as passive aggressive tend to seek out online long distance relationships and I became his victim. I have experienced this; and it’s not something that I would want to experience again. Living my life to become a better me.
My thought….I thought I was easier to tolerate a breakup but it’s not. However, I learnt that time is a good medicine when it comes to breakups. I was scheptical of it at first, but “time” is really working out, now it’s easier.
Fearless everything you say is of course of course true. And intellectually I get it. I really do. That’s how I’ve been coping so well to date I think. Every now & again self blame just sneaks up from no where though. I am having weekly counselling. We’ve done two sessions on this now but the main focus of that is more on me & trying to get my health (& life in general) back on track. I havent seen my regular counsellor, who worked through the r.shit with ex deceased AC when I was actually in it, in over 12 months. Due to illness I can no longer travel across town to see her although we did a long phone session when I told her the news. She’s the person I’d unpack this stuff with in full ie a clinical psychologist I’ve seen on & off at different stages of my life as needed over the past 25 years. She knows me inside out & back to front! I owe a lot of who I am today to her. Together we’ve done well given I started a little behind the eightball (ie as a homeless teenager). The other counsellor see’s me at home, which I need due to my disabilities and came on board only 12 mths ago. He has a family therapy background & social work degree. He also has a three decades of 12 step exp, as do I (except for me it’s only 2 & 1/2 decades). We tend to more of the practical stuff but some counselling too. I’m doing the best I can. I’ve called a grief phone line a couple of times when I first found out. Asking for help is not something I have a problem with. Accessing it with my disabilities & mobility issues is the problem. But yes professional assistance to work this through ASAP is on the agenda here (ie first up after exams)
Alison they are simple Q’s with long answers. Officially, we have been split up for 18 mths & have not had any in person contact since then. I slipped at my attempts at NC a few times though (his Mother who I’d helped nurse on her death bed died, I knew his whole family… It felt appropriate to pay my respects which I did to both him & his sister)…then he contacted me seeking assistance with info on support services. Being uniquely placed with expert ‘insider’ specialist knowledge of these spanning both his state & mine I was happy to provide this information… And then the final time he reached out to me wanting a closure conversation on our r.shit when after a year after the official split (but as I say with some breaking of NC & it was a bit more than that that – but not much & never anything sexual etc), I learned he’d deceived me back when we had been involved on some major issues… I was so furious I was determined this time NOT to break NC. My resolved strengthed by my anger at his dishonesty (which explained so much of his AC behaviour which had previously made no sense), I didn’t. He passed away from heart failure (accidental) later that night…
We had first been a couple for 3 1/2 maybe close to 4 years in my mid 20’s. Back then he was not an AC. This time he was in my life for a total of 3 years from start to death – although I’d split up with him once & for all 18 mths in & a couple of times previously also for extended periods of 6-9 mths.
That’s about the best I can offer. We truely in the begining all those years ago were soul mates. Not when he came back though. People change & sometimes (as sadly in his case) for the worse. End of.
Got that Runner. Coulda, woulda, shoulda. HIT DELETE & replace tape with something else. ANTHING else! The Wiggles even! Kidding. No you’re right. I did do what I could & more. I did more than most would. Way more. Why? Because I rally truely loved him. In a split second decision emergency I would have laid down my life for that man if only he’d grown up & been the man I knew he was deep inside. I still believe (here we go. Water works. Great!) that he was that man but he just ran out of time to show that to himself. He knew his days were numbered & he knew he was rolling the dice. He just didn’t think his numbers would come up that’s all. For me to have the capacity to speak with this this level of kindess showssomething is shifting & that has to be good. I don’t want to poison myself with bitterness & resentment. Especially not over a dead person! Today, in a rare move which saw me abandon my intellect for once in my darned life & follow my heart I finally went to the church. It’s a church we used to go to for 12 step support meetings sometimes. It’s in a part of town which has great significance to us both. Because I missed the funeral & had no chance to say goodbye & went & did it in my own way. I printed some photo’s of him off the computer & made up a ‘service’ type flier with (here’s those tears again. bugger) his name & date of birth & passing on it also. The latter had a little note from me on it. A friend who knew us both happened to be there so she went into the church with me. The people that look after the church kindly unlocked especially so we could gain access. It has huge stained glass windows & is made of big blue cobble stones with creaky wooden pews & floorboards. I’d guess the place is at least 150 years old. There was a picture of Jesus in a holder on the alter. It was the perfect size! Ray not being big on Jesus, we turned it around & used the sticky tape I’d pre-packed to attached the A4 service flier with his handsome smiling face beaming at us. I taped the smaller pictures around the edges. We placed two candles infront to complete out modest offering & then I did a eulogy after which I did an unaccompanied version of a song I wrote for him 20 yrs ago.
It was such a beautiful service. Just myself, my friend & our little shrine. I told I forgave him for everything & that I knew he was not behaving in his right mind these last few years. I asked for his forgiveness also that I was not able to respond to his request to call when he needed me at the end. My friend took a photo on her iphone & video taped but as happens the video didn’t work out. I was going to wait until after my exams but I couldn’t. It felt too urgent. I feel now, especially with my friend of 23 years who knew us both just ‘happening’ to be there, that I did the right thing. I know this isn’t the funerals posts. But actually this was for me… (&these words are hard to say – despite his royal AC ways these past few years b.c I remember who he really was underneath that) … the final goodbye. The final break up. It’s finally over. Sorry for babbling.
Lilly those last couple of posts were for you. that was my acknowledging. no doubt there’s more to come. the letter sounds helpful. im fantastic at letters. huge great long ones. Ray used to say i dont send texts. i send books. he was right. the letter will have to wait though. that I will do & then unpack with my psychologist. i already know of course exactly what this is all about. one does not do as much therapy as i have & not know! there is a poem which talks about us havings r.ships or friends for a reason, a season, or a lifetime & our task being to figure out which category people fit into. ray was sent into my life for a reason. firstly i met him at a time when I had been exploring my sexuality. I had a background of terrible abuse at the hands of men & thought perhaps gay relationships would be safer & even my preference. Ray taught me that I was not gay & that indeed I could learn to love a man again. No easy lesson for the young wounded lady I was at the time. Secondly he taught me that despite my love for another I could love myself more when a situation was not working for me. Again no small lesson for a person abandoned by her entire family at only 3 yo & whohas only ever wanted someone to love her & in earlier life struggled to learn to love herself.
Finally, (& this one is a little sad but so be it) he taught me everything I dont want in a r.ship. B/c everything he was in the end at least is exactly what I don’t want & often we begin to find what we do want by first identifying what we dont! But here is the scarey part. What I do want. When I am ready (& now is not the time but I will know when it is) I WANT a loving stable committed r.ship with all the good stuff which life has to offer. I’m happy to tske the good with the bad too but the minute the balance tips. sorry. FLUSH! Deep in my heart I think I always knew Ray was not going to make it (notwithstanding I didnt know abt many of his issues as a cpl the 1st time around as they hadn’t yet developed). So now once my health & general welfare is sorted it will GET REAL time for teachable here & I’m looking forward to that. I even started practising today. I flirted shamelessly (but very innocently & above board ie nothing rude or anything) with my friends neighbour for a few minutes of social interaction. I told him how handsome he was & what a shame it was he wasnt 10 yrs older & then proceeded to ask if he had any older brothers before metioning ‘b.cause I’m single you know’. We all laughed at my bold foolishness & it felt so good. It was like I was back on my game! So to wrap this up the other side to an ending or a break up is.. that when we’re ready. they also lead to wonderful new beginings. Hugs & thankyou everyone for your kind comments. I felt the love through the screen & it was just what the Dr ordered. Backatcha’s xx
In closing I’d like to publically say a big thankyou to you Nat. Not a suck job hey yr so awesome thing. Just a genuine thankyou for yr generosity. I know you gave me a lot of leeway with airing all of this & I appreciate that so much. Apart from my counsellor & sister BR is the only real support I’ve with this until my bestie gets back from o.seas. Thanks for taking a chance on me. I really am committed to growing & learning & being ‘teachable’ even though I realise I start with some advantage in that I’ve been a deliberate journey of self discovery for a long time before arriving at BR. This is the first place I’ve come to that deals with these issues specifically though so it is a very important resource which I’ve not across elsewhere. I’m aware that the real work yet, lies ahead for me & that is when this site will REALLY come into it’s full power. The first for me was rid myself of the toxic r.shit first. The second is allow time out for self reflection & to grieve & heal myself (where I am now). For me though, the REAL hard work will be the final phase. Get out there & tey doing it differently. That will be the test (ie where Grace is obviously already at) It’s so great seeing everyone at different stages & that you give us this space to grow & learn from each other. Thankyou for your open mindedness & letting me roll with this. It meant a lot to me & touched my heart. Now, good luck w yr new married life!!! x
Runnergirl is right Lou. We cease to continue to engage in a particular behaviour, by, well, stopping. It really is that simple. We tend to make it very complicated though. And certainly it FEELS more complicated. However in actuality, it really does come down to making a decision to stop & then acting on it…
I think that’s well put Grace. They do throw out multiple lines & see who bites. On the minor put downs I had one recently from a male aquaintance. I’m glad I read yr post. Without needing to into detail you’ve just inspired me to FLUSH him & delete his number! Thankyou!
Hi everybody, I am new here and I’m not a native speaker so please forgive my mistakes.
I’m still struggling with the pain after the end of a love story I felt was The One. Quite banal, nothing new, but it still feels like hell and sometimes I wonder if it’s worth the suffering.
He wasn’t a prince charming, he’s a dark soul, and I am on strict NC since january. I don’t even WANT to go back with him, I split with him because I was terribly unhappy around him and I couldn’t have him back in my life, no matter how much I loved him. Still, I can’t forget. I used to dream long, involuted dreams and to always remember them in the morning, but now nights are just a black hole of nothingness. Anytime I wake up remembering what I dreamed, he’s there. No wonder I am often sad and I don’t know why.
I know I should go to therapy, but that’s another story, I’ve had no luck with therapists and now I can’t be bothered with looking for the umptenth one. So I stumbled upon this site and thought I might write and may be get some help from so many strong women here.
I can’t talk about this with my friends and family, they just say “don’t think about him! Are you still thinking about him?” but sometimes it’s like a black tide and I just can’t stop it.
I guess he did it all, he is a narcisist and he only wanted to own me, never cared about me as a whole, as a person I mean. I was “the most beautiful in the world” but my feelings, aspirations, emotions weren’t important. He faked a future by saying he wanted to marry and have children, but I took it seriously and god knows how important it was to me, how much I wanted children. For a while I couldn’t even walk and see children without starting to cry.
Last september I was full of hope and energy, I had broken up in July and was planning my new life, but I met a couple of assclowns, of course, now I know why. Still, it hurt, also because it seems I only attract these alpha-manipulators, these narcisists who have it all and also want me in the picture.
My ex really was a vampire feeding on my love, on my ability to give love, to be affectionate, warm, joyous. He drained me, I think, and now I am empty.
These other men didn’t help, of course, but at the time I only wanted to feel alive, attractive, have fun. I didn’t know I couldn’t handle it and I think I was also unlucky, they were really dumb and one almost as strong as my ex.
I didn’t let them into my life, it was all very superficial, but I am now in a quarantine, I am still so fragile I can’t risk to be hurt again. I need to heal.
But he’s still there, like an illness, and what’s worse he’s in my soul and even though my brain does not want him anywhere near me, even though my heart felt relieved without him, something deeper still misses him.
I guess it’s also because everything happened very quickly, we fought and I realised everything, it wasn’t a process, and HE didn’t want t break up, I took every decision and bore the responsability for it while he kept telling me “I love you, I’ll be waiting for you always”.
Sorry for the rant but it’s been a hard day (I’m in Europe so it’s 4 p.m. now), he is always lurking there, hurting me whenever I falter.
frances-
sorry you’re hurting. i know what it feels like to have a guy vampire you and give so little in return, to feel that he doesn’t really even see you, and to have him haunt you.
what you need is in one word: healing. not just so that you scar over, or don’t hurt so much, but so that you forget you even had an injury. so that you feel happy, alive, and joyous – just because you are you.
so, you may not like what i would suggest, since you’ve already said you don’t want to, but the first thing would be therapy – you clearly have a wound that a lot of us here at BR share, and a good therapist whom you can trust would help you work on healing it. you shouldn’t have to be stuck choosing ACs and EUMs. but to choose better, you need to believe you are worth more, and to raise your sights to something higher. this is a long-term objective.
shorter-term – do new things, see new places, meet new people, in a completely stress-free, low-key way. you need more newness in your life that helps you invest in you and reminds you that there is a whole world out there that has nothing to do with this guy. take a course, take a vacation, get a new job, join a new gym – something, anything to put new information into your mind and heart and body.
because you don’t miss HIM that much – you miss the possibility for love that his being in your life gave you. and he represents this longing for you, this unfulfilled wish, and so your mind dwells on him as the solution – but you already know he isn’t.
but you are. you are your own solution. so invest in you.
more on that –
Hi Frances,
You’ve come to the right place. Good for you for already being NC with this guy. You need to allow yourself to let him come into your mind but not get taken over. It’s okay to have thoughts. They’re just thoughts. And the rest isn’t about him. It’s about you.
You might take a look at https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/you-cant-erase-an-ex-from-your-mind-but-you-can-reduce-their-power-and-keep-pushing-forward/ , among other articles that Natalie has posted.
Most importantly, Frances, you say you have a habit of “attracting” (you mean, picking) alpha-manipulators so why is that? Ones that ‘have it all’, you say? I used to have a taste for the same type and there are a number of reasons I was drawn to them. Building my own self-esteem and learning to go after what I want for myself have been key steps in starting to take these guys down off their pedestal.
You’ll succeed Frances! You’ll soon find the memory of this man only has the power over you that you let it.
Firstly, I’m sorry again I’m not replying a lot atm to other ppl’s posts… it’s still a very stressful time here but I do read a little of what I can each day & admire you all so much…
I just popped in to say that after my ‘private’ church ceremony to say goodbye to (now I don’t know what to call him…?) Ray, my deceased exAC whose funeral I missed after being super successful at maintaining NC (ironically), but whom many years before, had been the love of my life & someone I honestly felt was my soulmate, today, for the first time since learning of his death a couple of weeks ago, I managed to do a full & solid day of uninterrupted study!!
That, for me, is HUGE!! Now if I can just string another month of days like that together & then sit my exams the first of my most pressing worries will be off my mind so I can start dealing with more fundemental issues such as my health! Fingers crossed!!
I wonder if it’s because I know there will be no more break ups now? Whatever it is that happened at that church (which was combined with a change of medication also as I finally asserted to my Dr that days on end is NOT acceptable) it seems to have made a difference! And not a moment too soon! Thanks again to all who have offered their kind thoughts & well wishes along the way. xxx
* days on end of not sleeping I meant
Teachable, glad to hear you had a full day of uninterrupted study. I’m sure these days will become more and more frequent as time heals. I agree about seeing a therapist (keep searching, there are good ones out there) because you’re dealing with a hell of a lot at the same time and anyone would find it hard to cope without someone to talk to.
Frances, I feel you. You don’t want to get back together, you know he’s no good for you but still you grieve his loss every day. I agree that even more than grieving the loss of him in particular, you are grieving the loss of what you thought was having your needs met by him. We all go in the direction that we think our needs will be met – you went to him, invested everything in him, and came up not only not having your needs met but having your own reserves of love and happiness completely depleted. Trust me, I know what that feels like. The important thing to remember is that the love you felt for him is love that is still inside you. It only ‘activated’ upon finding a guy you felt was ‘the one’ or even ‘good for right now’. You don’t need him to be able to feel loved and to love. You will love again, but for now I’d say avoid any romantic/sexual entanglements like the plague because you’re clearly still repeating the pattern of unhealthy and unproductive interactions with people who have their own issues. For now, try to feel love for the things in your life that do make you happy. I found that the feeling of love started to come back when I made a new friend (a girlfriend, completely platonic) and I could see the potential for a great friendship with her considering we like the same music and both have the same faith. I also had a dream that I was in love and it really cheered me up because I remembered how amazing it was to be in love and to be loved back and it really reminded me that I will love again; this guy was not my ‘last chance saloon’ and neither was yours! With time we’ll get perspective and once we’ve done the necessary work and felt the feelings of pain that we’ve previously tried to avoid by compulsive attachments to other unhealthy things (people) then we can move forward and that might mean not having a man for a while but that would be a good thing because in the end, we’re going to have to learn to be ‘in love’ with ourselves and a friend to ourselves and to like ourselves before we’ll ever be able to commit to a healthy relationship.
Having said all that, I’m having a rough day today. I’ve had my ups and downs but today has been a bad one, because of Facebook (does ANYTHING good come from Facebook?? I think it’s the next thing I should go NC on.) I still haven’t deleted him or blocked him, although we’ve been NC for 3 weeks and I’ve ignored his texts. I’ve deleted him off my newsfeed but today I saw him replying to a friend’s status and I noticed he had a new profile picture so I couldn’t resist clicking into his profile to see what it was. BIG MISTAKE!! His new profile picture is awesome, colourful, obviously taken at a badass party; he looks handsome and fun, there is a girl in the background who also looks pretty and fun. Then I saw his other new photos – he’s been at a festival, having fun, posing in pictures with nice looking girls, looking like he’s having a grand old time. Here I am, off work with a knee injury, with nothing but time to sit and think and feel shitty and compare where I am today with where he appears to be. Namely, I’m alone, bored and feel like my life is passing by without me achieving anything; he on the other hand is off galavanting around getting involved and enjoying life and all its creative delights. Which then seems to confront me with the idea that our problems were a lot to do with me not being fun and out there and enjoying life and instead clinging on to him even when he treated me with minimal respect. I can’t help but feeling it should be him feeling shitty when he’s the one who was emotionally unavailable and cruel, not me. But alas the world is not fair and also I must accept I wasn’t perfect either. Just feeling a bit rubbish today.
One last thing, I know people will probably say ‘simple, just block him on FB’ but I feel like if I do that now it will just confirm to him what my problem is and always has been with us, which is that I can’t handle him having a fun independent life and I’m so insecure about him hanging out with girls and that basically I’m a sad little person. I feel like if I block him now he’ll know that it’s because I can’t handle him being happy and having a life, and that I’m still not happy. Because I didn’t reply to two of his texts since I went NC, until today I felt the unusual and pleasant feeling of having the upper hand in our relationship – that he was the one left waiting and wondering while I was out having a ball (I can only hope that he imagined that was what I was doing, nevermind the reality, although I have been having some fun times before my knee decided to fail me). I feel like I can’t get any empathy from my sister or friends because they’ll just say, why are you still friends with him on FB? Another reason I am reluctant to block him is I don’t know what will happen to the photos we share, photos of me on his profile, photos of him on mine, I know it’s stupid and the whole point is to let go and move on but I feel like it’s nice to have some small reminders of the fun we did have together (and I suppose I also don’t want him to forget the fun we had together either). SIGH waiting for this to get easier, the torture never ends! 🙁
Lou, Once you manage to make the decision to go NC (presuming you do, eventually), get yourself a copy of ‘Intimacy & Solitude’ by Stephanie Dowrick & READ IT. I first read it many years ago & still dip into it now & then. You need come face to face with what you’ve been using this addictive relationship to run FROM. ie YOURSELF. Once you realise, we’re never alone because we are ALWAYS IN OUR OWN COMPANY the prospect of life without this person in it, will become something to embrace & rejoice in, instead of fear. All the best. PS Nat’s No contact guide is an even better place to start. Getting clear that a decision of some sort needs to be made is really your first step. I have read this too & it was very helpful 🙂
Wren I don’t really know your ‘backstory’ so firstly, please forgive my limited knowledge. That said, fb doesn’t notify ppl when you block them, it just does it is you click to do so. You can ‘untag’ yourself from any pictures of you which are in his photo albums on fb first if you like. You can even download copies of those pics from HIS album (assuming he hasn’t blocked YOU) before you block him & keep them as momento’s of the relationship to look back on, perhaps in the future, when the pain is not so fresh. I understand wanting photo’s of your shared happy times together. Glance back through some of my posts. Photos are now all I have to remember my ex as he now deceased. (& yes he was an AC, so yes some ppl MIGHT judge, not neccessarily at BR but just in general & say ‘why would I want to remember him anyway?’ but that beside the point) Similarly, if you feel it is so important to do so, send him copies of any photo’s you would like him to have from YOUR photo album before you block him. These sorts of things are perfectly reasonable to do in the ending of relationships. People do them all the time. I know I did exactly that (not via fb but sent pics by email & blocked by email) when ended the r.shit with my ex. Don’t do it though if it’s just going to be an excuse to break NC & you feel you would lose the upper hand by doing so. It depends how important the photo issue & upper hans issue each are to you, on balance. Weighing them against each other is something only you can do & choose accordingly.
My point to you, is if you’re hesitating on blocking him out of concern for what he might he might think or that he might even think you’re not handling the breakup too well… WHO GIVES A HOOT WHAT HE THINKS? I’ll bet you a million bucks he’s not sitting at home caring what YOU think, about HIM or anything else!! Ands here’s a heads up. No-one here gives a damn what this guy thinks either! What we care about is, YOU ie PRECISELY the same thing, YOU need to be caring about right now, NOT him! Wren, please give yourself a break. It’s time to start beong your own best friend. It really is. No more putting this guy ahead of yourself huh. That’s just too much. Even just reading it was painful. I can imagine it hasn’t been easy to get this far but yr on the right track! Keep moving forward! Hugs. T x
hi everyone, i wrote here a whole while ago that i had met a man and that i lost my virginity to him two and a bit years ago. he’s an EUM. he ended up using religion as an excuse not to be with me. im christian by the way. and off course i became attached to him after we had sex. there were signs that he didnt want to be with me but i have to say that i ignored the signs… he said all sorts of things to me, that he is a player, why would i want to be with him, why arent i married etc, i was physically attracted to him ,and i adored him and we had many interests . he told me he had to marry a muslim girl and our last big fight was about it.. we saw each other casually on and off and as of march this year he just disapppeared….i have to admit, i have been stalking his FB and as of today he’s in a relationship with someone 10 years younger than me. im 30. i feel shattered and i know its just facebook, but he never acknowledged whatever we had and after i made a new account ages ago, he never added me on. this new girl is also christian, so he obviously lied to me about dating christians. he lied about everything, period. im jealous and i feel angry and i feel so many things. why her? why not me? is he going to treat her better? he was remorseful to me so many times, sweet talking his way in, but i believed him and i believed what he told me. so i want to write him a letter about my feelings. end it on a good note. its so hard to accept reality. so hard to accept as my friend just told me in big capital letters “HE LIKES HER MORE’. i supported him in his emotional times, but he treated me like scum. my heart is sore. i sent him a total of 4 text messages asking how he was. they werent replied. i texted him for his birthday a few days ago and i dont know if he’s changed his number, but i want to call and see..im going crazy at the moment. i have my sister and my friend as support and i felt i had to share, im an emotional wreck . did i mention , im jealous…in 4 months, he’s out there finding someone , texting me ‘im busy ‘ a few months ago and thats all i heard. and he didnt even have the guts to confront me..just left me like that. while he is happy in his new job and girlfriend. i feel like nothing…i feel used, betrayed and empty…and the past few months, all i have thought about him, whilst he just carried out like everything is all peachy finding someone new…
Jasmine,
Natalie has many articles regarding “why her and not me”. Search the archives. I know it is difficult to hear now but he has just probably moved on to his next victim. He probably hasn’t changed and everything may seem peachy on FB but it probably isn’t. EUM/AC’s always find some excuse. Same guy different girl, christian or otherwise. You may want to consider going no contact and focusing on you. That would require blocking him and no FB stalking, no texting, no contact. It really is the only way out. I hear you regarding a sore heart, feeling used, betrayed, and empty. I felt the same way, although our circumstances were very different. You can change those used, betrayed, and empty feelings. And you can mend that sore heart. It took all my strength to dig out but it is much better now. Sorry about the virginity. It will be okay. You can move on and be in a happy, healthy relationship if you ditch this dude ASAP. Think about your future, if you can. Your future isn’t with a liar, right?
thanks runnergirl, my friend thinks the facebook relationship with that girl is a con. he knows iv stalked him in the past, as i dont have him as a FB friend and that he’s doing it as a way to get me off his back. also, he hid his friend list, coz perhaps he thinks i would contact his friends to find out…its speculation, but still..anyway, whatever the case, he left me with no closure and all the games he played and bullcrap.i shouldnt stalk his facebook, i know, its addictive, but not healthy…im better today, yesterday i was sad and bitter, but i think its going to get easier each day..i was going to text him, but with my friends new insight,i cant be bothered..
p.s i had a huge vent yesterday about him on Facebook yesterday coz i was angry, i said a lot of things about him.. but i deleted all of the posts today. i saw that i was childish, and as much as im pissed off at him, i dont think he’s out there venting crap about me.i can be sure of it…so i saw my behaviour and that i have been acting immature and stooping to his level. if he is with that girl and he found the ‘love of his life’ and is treating her well…at least he may have learned the error of his ways through me…she’s essentially a rebound, because no-one in their right mind would jump straight away into another relationship especially after having a turbulent relationship with me…
my crystal ball says he will boink a number of christian women before “settling down” with a nice muslim girl and making her life thoroughly miserable.
Jealousy is natural, even normal, and while I don’t say blame the victim, I do say avoid those men most likely to make you jealous. (HINT: no playas)
And please see the hypocrisy of someone spouting their religion as an excuse to play women!
He’s not that special and the sooner you stop stalking him the better.
“my friend just told me in big capital letters “HE LIKES HER MORE’. I say, “HE FOUND SOMEONE ELSE TO SCREW OVER”
This site has been very helpful to me ever since I stumbled upon it a month ago trying to find some solace on the web. Thank you, NML!
I went through a painful break up after I found out the man I was for over a year with was/is married. I did walk away, but it is the most painful experience I’ve had, so far. It’s been more than two months, and I’ve been through counselling, but it still hurts like hell!
Today is my birthday and this morning what brought me here was the fact that after taking a shower to start my day, I ended up crying! I know I made the right move when I ended it, but I wasn’t prepared that it would hurt so bad. This article is a good reminded for me today that I am not broken at all, and that hopefully, one day, the hurting will stop.
Hey B, I’m so sorry and happy birthday. Birthdays will get better. You were right to walk away. You def aren’t broken and the pain will stop. You have been deceived in a terrible way and there will probably be many more tears. Let the tears flow, grieve the loss, and keep reading BR There is a wealth of fabulous info here and a brilliant community of folks who have walked in your shoes, unfortunately. If you can, download Natalie’s books. There may have been red flags that the guy was/is married. Natalie’s books and all the articles on this blog have helped me to start to recognize the red flags. I am sorry. Stay strong, stay completely NC, and flush the exMM twice. I was a knowing OW and thought I could be the exception. It must be horrible to be an unknowing OW. Natalie is fabulous. YOU aren’t broken. HE is, however. Let the healing process begin.
Hi Runnergirl,
Thank you for the support and reply. It has been better lately. And I´ve really tried to keep myself busy and stay strong. It’s helping that I´m doing postgrad studies and working on a dissertation. (Thus, just having read your reply today). It’s the thought that I can’t afford to flunk this aspect of my life that is keeping me afloat.
It was indeed HORRIBLE to find out that I was an OW the whole time. I´m slowly realising that I may have ignored a lot of red flags because I did not have strong boundaries.
I have resolved not to be too hard with myself because I don’t think that is helping. But I do acknowledge when I have discipline and the days that I don’t cry or stop obsessing about my ex. I reward myself when I don’t feel angry. I’m taking baby steps, but I a just keep tab of my own progress rather than my ex or his wife or his bro/sis. (Yes, there were days in the past that I would check them out.) Thanks again for the reply. This place is awesome! It’s good for the healing process ….
Thanks Wren. I needed that. My bestie FINALLY arrived home from o/s y/day. I got the news that my ex had died the day after she left left. It’s been a slow agonising wait for her return as no- one else here, other than my therapists, really know about this guy, as primarily, he lived interstate these past few years. Also, I’ve been mostly housebound for health reasons the past 18 mths & there’s no-one to tell at home! We’ve just a big de-brief. As for my therapists the two I have are awesome. It’s just that I can’t get to my main one (ie the clinical psychologist who I would normally see about this guy) due to limited mobility. That’s why the other fellow has stepped in. i.e. he is able to do home visits to me at home although the focus of our sessions is more on practical things like health related issues & helping me to restablish myself in the face of a major issues.
Meanwhile, I hope you sort things out with yr fb sitch. Just remember that YOUR needs come FIRST, NOT HIS. Presumably, it took a while for things to get to where they are now. Similarly, it will take time for your heart & soul to recover from your experiences. In the meantime, treat yourself like your own best friend. With kindness & gentleness. Expecting yourself to endure the unbearable is rather harsh & not being kind to yourself. It’s more akin to beating yourself over the head with a plank of wood! Put the plank away & go get a nice comfy pillow instead… Spoil yourself, even if it’s only in simple & seemingly small ways…You DESERVE to be happy. You’re in enough pain to justify turning this around NOW… It’s time to start to heal…
I am only weeks out of a 5yr relationship I knew for a while that he wasn’t right for me.He maintained contact on and off with his ex, He had put her through the ringer when he was with her just weeks after us splitting he is back in her bed.I found this out and e-mailed her to ask why after all she had been through is she back with him.Her reply was “what are you on about arn’t you guys married yet!?” He admitted to me he was back with her. Then showed up at my house to be “friends” with me!!! When I gave him an emphatic NO! He became abusive and called me bitter. I know I am better off without him and seeing his cold uncaring eyes made me realize that but the betrayal is hard to take.It was only months ago he had asked me to marry him.I’m so glad I didn’t go there!
I now realize how rude it was for the ex AC to want to be friends it was always about him not me. I asked him not to contact me after he met a new girlfriend but he insisted so he never respected my boundaries. I blocked him from my email and it will remain that way forever. This site has really help me see that my 2.5 yr fantasy relationship was so damaging to me. After 90 days of NC today I am doing so much better and realizing so many other women on here have the same situations. I know it will take alot more time but it just keeps getting better…