I have been involved with my boyfriend for a year and a half now. We have recently become long distance, but were in the same city for a year and a half. He has rage issues. He gets mad at the smallest of things and if he does, watch out. I’ll give you an example:
We went on a cruise together and on the cruise, one day I wanted to walk around the ship and he wanted to bum around the room, so I told him I was going to go walk around because I was bored. He got SO MAD. Saying I was calling him boring and how dare I? He basically would not let me leave the room, locked it behind me, and then ended up punching the CEMENT wall behind me and called me a bitch.
His anger is never proportionate to the event he claims made him mad. He has punched a wall two other times in my apartment. I have been told that signs of property abuse can often translate into physical abuse later. While I am not physically intimidated by him (he is much smaller than me in size( i.e 5’7 and 120 lbs), the anger befuddles me. He also engages in calling me explitives. He will say “F*ck you,” “F*ck this,” and just use words this like to me when he is mad. His explanation is that I make him mad and if I did not make him mad, he would not need to yell. I am a mature 24 year old woman and I do not seem to buy that I can “make” someone so mad and cause anger that is beyond an individual’s ability to control, especially when the situations that seem to set him off are trivial. I am a very patient person, but my patience is running thin and I feel like he is having some sort of effect on my emotional well-being. Please help!
NML says: This guy is out of control. You are recognising the red flag behaviour – disproportionate anger, verbally abusive, uncontrolled, displaying violence – but you’re not doing anything with your knowledge.
This is one of the fundamental traps that we fall into as women – we look for reasons to stay and we look for reasons to absolve them of their bad behaviour. Don’t try to make a silk purse out of a pigs ear…
Saying that you want to go for a walk because you’re bored does not translate to ‘You’re boring’. Talk about making himself the centre of the universe! I think he also suffers with a bit of Short Man Syndrome – He feels that he doesn’t look physically intimidating so he flexes his muscles and mouth in other ways to compensate.
When a man, when anyone in fact, displays disproportionate anger and is abusive whether that is physically or verbally, it is a massive red flag that says that it is time to get out. This is not the type of behaviour that you can fix and it deals a fatal blow to your relationship. His behaviour is highly disrespectful, aggressive, and an attack on your self-esteem and character. You don’t ‘make’ him mad – he chooses to respond to you by getting mad – he could always choose another route…
You are worried that he is having some sort of effect on your self-esteem – you’re right, he is. The fact that you are still there despite his disgusting behaviour speaks volumes. The difference between a woman that sticks around for a mans abusive behaviour and the one that doesn’t is a level of self-esteem and self-awareness. At some point this guy has affected you enough that you have made enough allowances for his behaviour to stick around.
I don’t doubt that you are mature but you need to put that to good use and walk away before he turns his punchbag activity onto you. This man needs to grow up and get a life…but not on your time. You are always better than a man that behaves in this way and don’t sell yourself short to a man who can’t control his anger and display positive character traits towards you.