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I have a friend whose dad went out to his favourite restaurant and had the same meal he’d been having for years, only for him to find himself in an ambulance after having a severe reaction to shellfish. Ten years on and he hasn’t been able to eat shellfish again and he’s also become intolerant to another favourite of his, sweetcorn. Everyone’s tolerances are different and sometimes we hit our capacity for certain things and our bodies say no more.
Over the years, Esme, life has tried to give you hints of varying sizes about the men you’re dating. For a time, you were able to get away with dating emotionally unavailable men, probably able to compartmentalise your various involvements and distract yourself with attention from a new guy.
Jumping from one involvement to another and never really allowing your emotions to surface has caused you to get more than a little ‘backed up’ and imbalanced. Those emotions that you’ve suppressed and repressed didn’t disappear and die. They have all been stored away and avoiding feeling and systematically putting you through the cycle of unavailable relationships has taken its toll. You have maxed out. You have hit your inner capacity for Mr Unavailables and it’s resulted in an outpour of emotion.
I get the impression that you want this all to go away so that you can get back to ‘normal’. You say that you don’t know what you’re crying about and this means that you’ve either buried your feelings and thoughts on past experiences for so long that you’ve forgotten that you buried them, or you on some level know what this is about but are playing it down.
It may be that you have normalised the unavailable relationship experience so much that while on one hand you recognise that you always go out with Mr Unavailables, on the other hand you haven’t made the connection between your habit of doing so and how you feel about love, relationships and yourself. It’s as if you had almost accepted that Mr Unavailables were the status quo and you weren’t expecting to be with anything different. It might feel like ‘home’ because it’s familiar from childhood.
It’s not that you don’t have the stomach for dating anymore; it’s that you don’t have the stomach for your pattern.
You don’t have the stomach for putting you through the spin cycle of being in relationships that are capped in terms of availability—they’re limited in intimacy, commitment, balance, progression and consistency (the landmarks of healthy relationships).
Imagine working long hours for years and years without taking proper time to rest. What do you think that life would do to force you to take time out? Probably make you so ill that you can’t do a damn thing and you’re forced to learn how to take care of your overworked body.
You’ve been so busy moving from one relationship to another that you haven’t stopped to pause and just be. Were you afraid that if you didn’t date and you instead spent time on your own or let your feelings surface, that it would be too confronting and that you couldn’t cope?
You are not alone in what you’re going through and it often is the person who you’re not that fussed about that becomes the straw that breaks the donkey’s back. You’d think it would be The One You Were Crazy About or The One You Didn’t Get Your Way With, but sometimes it’s the things without fanfare, the people who we have a much more subtle, quieter experience with, that make our past ring really loudly and force us to learn a lesson that we’ve been delaying on heeding.
If it had been one of the guys who you’d felt crazy about, you would probably have put your feelings down to being crazy about him and opted back into a cycle of pursuing your vision of the relationship or taken those feelings and tried to channel them into a new involvement. Instead, you know that you’re not into him and you know that you don’t want him back and yet there are all of these feelings there that you don’t have a name for or someone or something that you can hastily attach them to. It might also be that there is something about this last involvement that you haven’t been able to hide from, that was maybe more obvious to you because of the fact that you didn’t care as much for him as you did other partners. Maybe this involvement has shone a spotlight on something about your pattern that you would not have seen otherwise.
You’ve been forced to pause, to take stock, to try to let those feelings come so that you can step out of numbness or even what might have been edging into deadness. You’ve been in this cycle for the best part of twenty years–it had to stop at some point. Doing the lather, rinse, repeat of unavailable relationships puts you in an uncomfortable comfort zone where you’re limiting the amount of intimacy and vulnerability that you experience. It causes you to switch down your feelings in order to cope.
Crying is no bad thing. It’s a release. It’s grief. You’re grieving all of the previous losses and also grieving for your younger self who has settled for less. I know that it must be very painful for you right now but think of this as the clean pain of expressed feelings rather than the ‘dirty’ pain of repressed ones. Look at this guy who you didn’t want to be with as a very handy helper that’s awakened you to the realisation that you feel. Somewhere along the way you forgot this and have settled for crumbs. You have been through things that you’ve sought to escape via your involvements and you’ve also hidden feelings of low self-worth in your ability to move on quickly, which gave you a temporary boost. But this is no way to live.
Whatever you’re afraid of confronting is exactly what you need to confront.
You will date again but first you need to take time to heal. It doesn’t have to be a long time but listen to the needs of your body right now so that you can take care of you emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. If all you want to do is date, then sure, keep on doing what you were doing, but if you want to be part of a mutually fulfilling loving relationship, take some time out to heal now. Once you lean into this, you will find that these feelings move on remarkably quickly and you regain inner peace and a greater sense of self.
Acknowledging who and what it is that you’ve been seeking out and replicating through your unavailable relationships, will help you to close up the void and break the pattern. Therapy could be a good way of working with someone to help you process. I highly recommend engaging in self-care practices like journaling including keeping a feelings diary, Unsent Letters, learning to self-soothe and doing anything that helps to healthily boost your self-esteem.
And take it a day at a time and don’t try to avoid what you’re going through. The only way out is through.
Have you been in a similar situation to Esme? How have you dealt with unexpected grief from past relationships?
Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words.
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Blown away by this – it is so wise and so true.
Thanks Natalie xxx
agreed. its like BR in a nutshell. and my life in 2oo words.
Esme,
I like your name very much. Anyhow, I shall begin.
Five years ago I met a man who I just lusted after. The first time I saw him, my heart raced and I thought, “What a beautiful man…” We dated for 2.5 months where he used me to get over his ex and tried to use me for sex. Because of my involvement with him and his spiraling substance addiction, I almost lost my career. That was the last straw. I got out.
He couldn’t have cared less. I spent two days in a closet crying. Then two weeks constantly crying desperately trying to hold onto my job. I then cried daily for a year straight, and ached for him for years.
There have been times I thought I was neutral but wasn’t. I continued to date cruel superficial unavailable men with drug problems (just like my father) until about a year ago. In my mind and heart and emotions, this is just about the first time I have been truly single in my life. I’m 32.
I was (and still am in some ways) avoiding heaps and loads of responsibilities. I’m actually scared shitless of being responsible for my own life and choices.
Honestly, since I have broke the Unavailble habit, life has been grueling. The sad part is it wouldn’t be so much so had I listened to myself earlier.
In truth, the guy I wanted to kill myself without was a slimy, spiteful, horror show of a man. So many secrets to boot. It is very probable I would have acquired an std from him along with a rap sheet as scary as his had I stayed. Life was only available away from him, yet I felt as though I would die without him. Wtf?? Truly baffling.
Take care
xx
Truly baffling, Jennifer. I agree. It seems the worse the man, the more deeply I attach. Not love, but attachment. I don’t trust myself to date anyone now, so I’m just working on me. I may never be able to be with anyone, so I’m trying to live an emotionally and spiritually fulfilling life on my own…
Cindy,
Same here. Just trying to live life as well as I can…alone. To make matters even creepier, that guy I thought I loved so much was a spitting image of the child molester I lived with as a child who caused me great harm and traumatized me for life. Life is sordid for some.
Oh, God, yes – it can take a lifetime to heal from something like that, Jennifer. And to think you were so attracted to the abuser’s spitting image – that’s how much he’d brainwashed you. It’s the brainwashing that I want to rid myself of – like the cult members who escape a cult and need deprogramming…
Life alone feels safe for me. I’m sure some people will have issues with that, but I’m still doing the work – and I’m not afraid of looking at the stuff inside myself that many people would do anything they could to avoid confronting – so it’s not *that* kind of safe…
Cindy,
I need deprogramming. Am going to take a picture of your words and refer for encouragement. People think I’m wasting time by delving into the ickiness of my past. What do they know?! I get so much backlash for trying to heal which is ridiculous. People can be so ignorant and cold.
A million thanks to you.
I like the analogy of the seafood intolerance, Natalie. I think that was what happened to me with a guy I met online who fast-forwarded, and I hadn’t been with anyone in about a decade or more, so it felt flattering. But then it got weird, and we had phone sex before we’d even met. Or, I should say, *he* had phone sex while I was left at the other end listening to him masturbate. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about him. But then he visited me – about a three hour drive from his place – and I felt like, because we’d had (one-sided) phone sex, that I couldn’t back out of having sex with him. I know… (shakes head). What was I thinking? And why didn’t I end it there? I’ve asked myself that question so many times, and I can only come up with – I needed the experience so I could start to *really* heal…
Anyway, it did go on, and because he lived in an area I’d been thinking of moving to, I went down for a visit and stayed for a week. It was kind of nice, but I didn’t like *him* – just the place. And the sex was truly dreadful. He was so bad in bed – using my body to masturbate. It reminded me of an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie has sex with that idiot and ends up with a neck spasm. I tried to change things, but he thought he was great in bed, and told me how other women wanted to have sex with him, and I must have sexual problems…
And, still, I didn’t break up with him!!! If it had been someone local and we’d gone for a coffee or something, I probably would have let it slide and not seen him again, but anyway, on it went. When he’d visit my place, I hated having him in my house and I’d get really annoyed with him being here. I didn’t know at that time what a narcissist was, or any of the stuff that Mr Unavailables do (I wish I’d read the book). He actually told me that this younger guy gave him some tips on dating – he was a player, and had books on how to make women addicted to you. Unbelievable! I got so caught up in trying to help him to see the light that the ‘relationship’ went on (at a distance) for nine months. His flatmate suggested I might be codependent, and so I read some books on that and went to a couple of meetings.
I decided to break up with him, and couldn’t stop crying (just from the thought of it). I was walking around the house crying – day after day… I thought it would break his heart because he’d said he loved me and all that crap, but when I suggested a break, he was back online trawling for women that same night. And *still* I got back with him!! I don’t know what it was – I couldn’t let go… I know it was about my father, though this guy was repulsive to me physically, and my Dad is very handsome, so it was the narcissistic behaviour, mind-fucking, gaslighting, arrogance, and suppressed rage, etc. that hooked me into this devastating pattern.
I finally ended it at the end of the year, and it took me such a long time to get over it. All of those suppressed “No”s, which I finally said without fear of abandonment. I know now that it was the abandonment issues I’ve had since childhood that made me attach myself to such a repulsive abuser (one who kept telling me I just didn’t like ‘nice’ guys – what a joke!). Anyway, that was 2012, and I haven’t been out with anyone since. I feel that I never want to date another guy again – ever!!!! It really disturbed my whole sense of self, but in that sense it was also a gift to myself to see how low I would go in my quest to find love. Since then, I’ve done so much work on myself, healing many childhood issues.
But yes, it’s weird, isn’t it, how this person I couldn’t stand left me reeling because of his mind games. Esme doesn’t say if this guy she broke up with played mind games, making the attachment seem real. I think Esme probably also has a deep fear of abandonment and can’t bear to be alone. Alone is good – I’m really enjoying it now. Maybe too much…
Cindy,
My last “relationship” was in 2012, too. It was devastating. To me. I choose disrespectful men because I’m avoiding intimacy and vulnerability. I don’t know how to fix this so I’m just going to keep journaling and take responsibility of my career but be open to a good man (they do exist). I have a friend who is dating a great guy (not perfect but an all around good person) and it took her some time (she’s in her late twenties) to evolve into that kind of relationship. I still have hope. But I have to take care of me first. No being rescued by men or trying to rescue them.
Cindy,
So much of what you say resonates with me. I get so much out of your posts. I’m coming to terms with the fact that both my parents were high on the narcissism scale. I’m just now dealing with, recognizing and grieving, the mind-fu*&ing, brainwashing and gaslighting. So far that’s been the most painful realization about the ‘relationship’. It wasn’t real, it was all tricks and games- “played mind games, making the attachment seem real.” That part of the sentence really struck me and I keep rereading it because I needed to see it/get it! That’s it! The fantasy that it was real, a real *mutual* attachment, when the reality is, I was the only one that was truly emotionally attached. They were just playing at it to get what they could out of me, like a puppet. Thank you! You know where you understand something at one level and someone says something and all of a sudden it locks in and you fully recognize it? Maybe it’s when you fully accept it, I’m not sure.
Like you I’ve stopped dating. I’m fairly introverted, so being alone is not an issue for me, I need it. I’ve also stopped putting an energy into people who demonstrate that they are not willing or able to treat me with dignity and respect. The first sign of abuse/deceit/mind fu&*ckery/using and I’m out of there. If I have to deal with them professionally, I am professional and keep them at a distance if possible. I’m a gray rock, they don’t get anything other than assertive professionalism…nothing to hook into, boring. Like Jennifer, no more rescuing or trying to be rescued.
I’ve spent my life pouring energy into other people’s life at the expense of my own. Trying to save them so they’ll finally love and accept me. It’s my issue to deal with. I’m so much happier not dating and happier letting family and co-workers take responsibility for their own problems while I take responsibility for mine. Freedom and personal security.
Great article and I can identify with so many of the comments! I am much older than some of you gals …..I came back into the dating game in my forties and it was like I was making up for lost time (another story) met a great guy loved him with a passion but he was a rebound man and he seriously broke my heart. Since then a series of Mr Unavaiables (but I didn’t understand thar) mostly great sex but no commitment or loving. I am now in my fifties, and have been doing this a loooooong time. I understand about it being too much!
But I have just met a nice guy totally not my type, a bit shy both in person and in bed, and there could be a lot of improvement there but……. totally loving, very intimate with me and WANTS to be with me and work at a relationship.
My ‘pattern’, as I now know it, is to dump him, and search for the good looking charmer, but my inner soul wants to be cherished and this man is doing that so I am going give it a chance.
Good luck every and thank you Natalie for being so insightful.
Hey Carole,
I’m really pleased that you’re able to identify this pattern of behaviour that you tend to follow, and are making attempts to change that. However, I don’t think it’s fair to go along with your new relationship on the grounds that he’s a “nice guy totally not my type”.
I don’t mean to sound negative but I don’t believe that you should be with this guy because of your need to be “cherished” after a string of Mr Unavailable’s. You should be with him because you like being around him and he makes you feel good and happy! Currently, it sounds like you’re just settling for a nice guy to lick your wounds until someone more handsome and charming comes along again. I know I’d feel really hurt if a man settled for me because I was a safer option.
Just make sure your reasons for being with him are sincere, otherwise you could end up hurting a good guy, and there’s already enough damaged ones out there! 🙂
You can actually develop different, healthier types. It usually involves letting someone grow on you rather than getting bowled over by “instant chemistry.”
I had a tendency when I was younger to go for the brooding, “intellectual,” “nihilist” types. Then I said to myself, what’s so attractive about a guy who’s always angry or depressed and doesn’t seem to have any friends? I made a conscious effort to pull back when I found myself getting interested in that sort. At the same time I made more of a point of seeking out the goofy guys who made me laugh and weren’t always in some sort of unpleasant mood.
Chemistry will often just sleepwalk you right back into dating the same people over and over, somehow expecting a different result.
NoMo,
Chemistry is a trap. It never lead me down a good path. In recovery from alcoholism they have a saying called “fast friends”. It wasn’t until I got sober that I understood the true meaning of friendship. The friendship that I cherish the most has developed over years actually (we’re both constantly learning and growing). But is hasn’t been fast or necessarily easy because we both consistently speak our minds and have boundaries. When I vowed to work on my problems (including substance abuse and addiction), all my drinking buddies vanished. No matter how many years I had hung out with them they all disappeared and it feels like I never even knew them because there was no substance.
All things worth while take time and patience. And self-esteem!
Hey, Jennifer, I think I was a weekend alcoholic back in the 80s (I’m 57). When I stopped drinking, and decided to work on myself, I also lost all of my friends – but it was I who dropped them. Once I’d built some self-esteem and some depth in myself, I couldn’t be around them anymore.
And with the drinking came the promiscuous behaviour. I look back now and it’s like another person’s life I’m looking at. Chemistry, whether it’s from a substance or a person, is addictive – it isn’t love (unless you think it’s actually love you have for booze). One day, I just woke up, and I stopped drinking. And I started feeling good about myself, and having an actual life (as opposed to the pretend life drinking creates).
Then, I caught up with a man I’d know when I was twenty (2011). He’s an alcoholic. He started visiting me, and would bring booze and joints with him. I had a couple of drinks, and it was awful. In that one moment, I was sucked into *his* life, *his* dramas – that is why boundaries are SO important! I was boundaryless, and empathic – I just took on all of his dark energies (like being in a bar).
Then I got away from him, and I met the guy online that you commented on, and, by January 2013, I finally got free of him. I’ve been alone since then, ’cause I just can’t seem to be around people without taking on their stuff. But I’m getting better at creating boundaries and saying no, and I’m trying to be not so pleasing…
Dogs are way easier to deal with than humans. They just accept us no matter what. And the only agenda they have is to be fed (and maybe going for a walk)… I SO love dogs, but my girls both died of cancer, and now I feel I can’t get another animal, because I got so sick after that. I don’t deal with loss very well…
How’re you going? Have you done any courses with Natalie that have helped you get back on track? The trouble with addiction is that, you may stop the chemicals, and the sex, but then other things seem to become addictions. For me, it’s the internet (I need to get off Facebook) – maybe because it feels like my only connection to humans – and I start to feel sick when I’ve been on too long.
Anyway, I was just thinking that addiction is possibly the reason we fall apart when we break up with someone we don’t even like… I want to like – I mean, really *like* – the next person I spend time with, whether it’s a friend or potential love interest. If I met a guy who had dog-like qualities, he’d be my kind of guy… 🙂 x
Cindy,
I have taken some of Natalie’s classes. She is brilliant but I liked one on one therapy and then reading her materials. Me Unavailble and the Fallback girl saved my life. I ended up buying three copies because I’d devour them. Write on ’em, accidentally drop them in the bathtub, highlight the whole damn thing.
My current therapist is decent, but our town is limited so I’m grateful. Sobriety is a constant struggle. It’s not the substances so much as it is to changing old thinking and patterns that’s so hard. Classic horror films have really helped me. They’re really well done and my mind is like, see there is evil in the world, but look how wise good is. And I choose good.
As for the dog thing, I’m losing my 16-yr-old rescue to renal failure. She’s just so sick and looks at me like “Why, mom, why?” It’s also expensive and heart wrenching. For me the ultimate is to engage and relate deeply to a partner and some friends. I can’t have social media because I get so desperate and obsessive. I need more in my life.
Interaction with pets can be limited. I’d only adopt or rescue again if I ever choose to go through the process.
Your words help me tremendously.
Jennifer,
I am sorry to read about your beloved pup. It is torturous watching them suffer and decline. When we look at how people abandon their pets (the ones we adopt) I guess it’s not really surprising that people treat other people in this same manner… you are no longer of use for me. I truly admire others who adopt animals and care for them through sickness and old age. You have a good soul 🙂
Say Something,
Thank you. I am with her to the bitter end.
Natalie, loved this post and really feel what Esme is going through. Caroline, (and all the other ladies thank you for your posts), it’s good to hear that you are in a relationship based on love, care and respect; the kind that we all deserve but don’t always accept. I’ve spent most of my 20s and 30s single, I’ve only ever had 3 relationships and only one of those could be classed as proper. I didn’t date anyone for a good 8 years – (nothing, not even a hug), so when I did start again I did stray very far from the garden path. I was catfished online, met some shady men via hookups, phone sex, sexting, which ultimately lead me to my unavailable ex. I know now that I was avoiding intimacy, looking for thrills when I wanted to be loved and possibly confused with what a healthy relationship consists of due to lack of experience. My ex made me feel like the crumbs he gave me were enough, he made me think that I wasn’t worthy of love, care and respect which ultimately lead me to the realisation that I believed him because that was how I felt about myself. We broke up 9 months ago and I can honestly say I’ve spent most of the year getting over him. I’m at the stage of acceptance where I’m generally ok, there are some bad days when I do think about him and the horrible stuff he put me through, however I don’t get hung up or berate myself for thinking about him. Just because I think about him, doesn’t mean I want him back, so I’m chill. It’s been a rough couple of years, I’m still hurting a mixture of anger and tears, but I’m working on healing myself. When I do date again, I’ll try my best to look after myself and not settle for anything that makes me feel less than or compromised.
Hi Esme and all,
First time poster, but I have been reading for the last month or so.
Esme, I totally get it. I had some time between EUMs and ACs in my past, yet I don’t think I ever really processed, just “sucked it up,” powered through, focused on work/school, ect, until the next guy tossed some crumbs. Basically not taking care of the emotional processing and healing, I became numb to myself. Figured it’d just figure itself out.
So, long story short, about 5 years out of the relationship world after a really bad one, I started dating again this year thinking that enough time had passed. I had my shit together right? Nope! Ghosters, Faster Forwarders, and general EUM dates left me shocked and crushed. Then it took another guy online I really didn’t know online to be that “helper” if you will. Stirred up everything I didn’t want to really face. Why was I feeling all these things from nothing? All it took was a kind rejection message on OKC, haha!
So, I am starting a feelings journal and reading this site every week. I wish you the best sorting this out too Esme!
Esme,
Please take some comfort in the fact that you’re not the only person who is going through this. Your story is practically identical to mine… I started dating an assortment of broken, future-faking, charming, egotistical, emotionally unavailable, occasionally married, assclowns from the age of 17, and couldn’t figure out why – in spite of all my efforts – I kept attracting these bums! I expended so much time, energy, hope and feelings on these men, often settling for piss-poor behaviour and phony promises of a brighter future. Deep down I knew that these men weren’t worth sh*t… I also knew that I wasn’t going to get the healthy, loving, long-term relationship that I desired, so to counter this, I’d settle for their below-par offerings by telling myself an assortment of lies such as:
“But we have great chemistry” (aka lust)
“I genuinely enjoy his company…” (when he eventually decides to pay a visit 2am)
“It is what it is, and I’m OK with that…”
“No relationship is perfect…” (Usually after they’ve let me down again)
“If I go with the flow, he’ll soon realise what a catch I am…” (deluded much?)
“I’d rather have a busy man, than no man…” (he was never mine to start with)
“I like my freedom and independence…” (In defense of the fact that I hardly ever see the guy, or I’d been ghosted yet again)
When one romance died, sure enough, I’d move straight on to the next one! I was out all the time socialising with colleagues and partying throughout the week, so I was able to meet new men on a regular basis (I’m not proud to admit this).
At 24, after another failed romance with a married co-worker in his 40s, I started to get sick… My hair started falling out, my joints were constantly stiff/ swollen/painful, chronic fatigue, sores in my nose/mouth, and was constantly in pain from head-to-toe. After a year of struggling through life like this (some days I couldn’t even comb my hair or button a shirt), I was diagnosed with systemic lupus and began a cocktail of immune suppressing drugs, painkillers and steroids to control the disease and prevent further damage to my kidneys. Natalie’s right – repressed feelings will always find another to come back and bite you. My body just couldn’t cope with the constant emotional turmoil, self-criticism, blame, shame, feelings of failure/inadequacy, feelings of being unloved (which stem from a difficult child-hood with my step-father), which I was repressing.
Around 28-29, once my illness was manageable, I found myself in another unhealthy, co-dependent relationship which almost ruined me. He dumped me after a turbulent 8-9 months, and I took the break-up so badly that I started having panic attacks and was suicidal. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and put on citalopram for a month (absolutely hated the stuff). As I got older, my tolerance levels diminished and I can now easily identify and flush a EUM in a matter of minutes.
Now, at the age of 32, I feel like I’ve finally made a breakthrough! With Natalie’s advice, and that of all the great people on this forum over the last 3-4 years, I’ve addressed so many of my issues and accept the fact that I have been short-changing myself for all these years! I have made decisions that weren’t in my best interest! I chose to be with men who didn’t honour and value me because I wasn’t honouring and valuing myself! By constantly telling myself that there were “no good men left” I was actively being avoidant of MY need for some serious introspection. I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that I had (still do to some extent) self-esteem/abandonment/bullying/daddy issues which stem from childhood. I was being my own worst enemy, and didn’t have the courage to grow up and handle my shit like an adult.
It’s now Esme, whilst you’re at your lowest ebb that you need to commit to making some serious life-long changes for the better. Don’t wait until you become sick, or your mind starts to slip like I did. And definitely do not enter the dating arena until you’ve taken some time to heal, and address some of your issues. Dating will just do more harm.
On the bright-side, things WILL get better once you resolve to love, honour and guard yourself from arseholes. I am back dating after what seemed like an eternity of ‘finding myself’, and although it might sound silly to some of you, my squeeze and I will be celebrating our two month anniversary tonight. For me, it’s not an excuse to get glammed-up and brag on Facebook (I avoid social media), instead it’s a celebration of the fact that we are steadily, happily, healthily getting to know each other and our relationship is blossoming into something really special. Maybe I’m speaking prematurely, but for the first time in my adult life I have honesty, consistency, effective communication, respect, loyalty, fun and most importantly, TRUST. In order to get here, I had to break the cycle before it broke me again. It’s scary… but oh so worth it in the end. 🙂
Rachel,
Congratulations! Happy that you found a relationship that works for you and not against you.
I am in a tough spot where my mental health is a struggle. (Sometimes panic attacks for 12 hours straight.) Anyhow, at 32, I have been forced to see there is not a single person I can trust on either side of my family. They are all destructive and abusive.
Even my grandparents who have helped me financially have always had an astonishing verbal cruelty. I realized I have no family. None. I am completely alone.
Anyhow, I have been in denial about the true lacking of character in everyone I’m related to for over 30 years, though I cannot deny the things I see and here anymore.
This is pain to be awake to it, but as Natalie says, the only way out is through.
Oh, I have zero social media now and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. It’s a nightmare for someone who is so alone, without family every holiday, and who carries constant anxiety. Plus it can be very obnoxious all around.
Jennifer,
“I am in a tough spot where my mental health is a struggle. (Sometimes panic attacks for 12 hours straight.) Anyhow, at 32, I have been forced to see there is not a single person I can trust on either side of my family. They are all destructive and abusive.”
I’m really sorry that you are in that painful situation and glad that you are protecting yourself from them. I’m sure all of the abuse has created/contributed to your anxiety. I understand the cutting of social media, it’s hard not to buy into the fairy tale messages/images/hype and start comparing.
In regards to you anxiety, have you ever tried EFT? I found it very helpful. I’ve included a link in case it’s something you’d be interested in learning more about.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJm5b3Y-Vug
I can relate to the painful reality you are speaking of. I am recovering from PTSD. My family members are also all incredibly abusive.
Have spent the last couple of years alone, and spend the holidays alone except Thanksgiving, I volunteer.
Like you, I also recognize the way forward is through this searing pain. It can be so incredibly lonely.
Have hope for the future, and know that I’ll have to build that future without any biological family. I pray that I meet and make a new, healthy family. Either way, I know I’m better off.
Veracity,
I am actually very interested in EFT. Thank you. I think one of the most painful things about recovering from a dysfunctional family is that you never really get to know yourself but are constantly haunted with proving self-worth or rebelling.
I’ve made a couple of pretty good friends (a couple in a satisfying relationship). One of them keeps telling me that all I need to work on is inside. She is definitely right. I allowed myself to get so obsessed with superficiality I have missed out on so many good things in life. The really good things. My goal is to live a peaceful quiet life doing the things that truly bring me joy and don’t wear me down. It’s also tough because I have certain personality disorder traits that I am so ashamed of. My family showed me a certain example and I followed suit and because of mental and physical illness we are all forced to get better (the family I still have contact with). All can say is it is so much better to be honest and deal with problems as they come and not buy into superficial quick fixes. Life lessons. They’re always there. Ugh.
And sometimes I really like people’s Instagram but it’s usually the ones that are really peaceful and thoughtful. So much of it is so superficial. Sometimes it felt like women were in this massive contest with each other to prove how happy and pretty they were. I certainly don’t feel happy. And I certainly don’t feel pretty.
Thanks for you words and the link.
Jennifer,
That’s an interesting observation about not really getting to know yourself but being constantly haunted with proving self-worth or rebelling.
My journey, my goal, my passion is to do just that, really know myself. To allow myself to face and compassionately accept what I discover and release what’s not really mine or what no longer works for me. I get what you’re saying about the shame. It’s so painful. I also think many of us are carrying other people’s as well. It takes great courage and resilience to face the shame, the anger, resentment, fear, etc… and eventually forgive ourselves and others for where we/they messed up and were inadequate. When I can’t seem to fully forgive, I allow myself a willingness to release that resistance. A big tip off to me that I need to face something is actually when I do find myself trying to prove my worth or rebelling. I ask myself who am I trying to prove this to/or rebel against and why. Then I use the EFT to process what comes up. It’s so much easier in the long run to face that pain and deal with it that expend so much energy trying to delay facing it and it creates more pain. Life does keep throwing us new opportunities to learn and grow. I used to get mad and think- haven’t I had enough already! Now, more often than not, I just laugh and think – okay, bring it on, I got this!
Like you, my goal is also to live a peaceful, quiet life doing the things that truly bring me joy and don’t wear me down. I would add with people who truly love and care for me. I’ve had enough chaos, despair and abuse to last a lifetime.
I’m not on social media and never have been. I’m fairly private and I don’t have the interest or energy. It’s sad that some women feel the need to compete with each other in unhealthy ways. It hurts us all, it’s a lose-lose.
Healing,
I’m tired of chaos too. Want some peace. I do look at certain social media accounts sometimes (Instagram). There is a geriatric fashionista (Jean Woods) who is divine. She’s in a documentary as well. So there is and can be good in the social media realm, it’s just about using it responsibly and within one’s comfort level. I, too, am private and do not wish to partake and put my life out there.
Take care
I think what everyone is missing here is that dating is a battlefield. The notion that we’ll just fall into the arms of a good guy by happenstance is a joke. It’s a madhouse out there. I feel the original poster’s pain. After 17 years of up and down relationships that have resulted in heartbreak, I appreciate single life now sans dating. Is unsuccessful dating truly about avoiding intimacy and vulnerability or more about instilling self-preservation? People, not just men, will walk all over you if you’re too nice and accommodating. What I’ve learned over the years is to focus on my best interests first and foremost in all avenues of life but that hasn’t stopped the plethora of flawed men constantly flowing into my life. (Sadly, the older you get the more issues the men you date have.) The good ones are the exception and not the rule. Aggressive vetting can be exhausting and when you let a bad one in accidentally it can be utterly soul-depleting. Natalie once likened dating to driving, knowing it can be dangerous on the road shouldn’t stop you from driving. Well I think that analogy is wrong. If I had an accident (heartbreak) every time I was on the on road I’d probably get a bus pass, that is if none of the accidents were fatal.
Elizabeth,
I know plent of women and men in healthy relationships. I had a friend who dated horrible creeps, realized this, stopped doing this and now she has a wonderful partner. It’s not that dangerous if you know what to look for and be open to and what to stay away from. It’s not a madhouse in the dating world if you don’t let it be. If you go by only dating sites and social media and superficial social groups, yes it is probably a terror show.
Before I had worked through being completely over all my exes, I attracted the same kind of man over and over again: handsome, charming, popular, addicted; horrible. Once I started working through my past issues, I never have a shortage of decent men asking me out (before I’d pursue the bad ones), even though I’m average attractiveness at best. I’m not saying that would happen for everyone and there is an element of randomness to life. But before I worked through ex issues, my ex was a God, and the rest undesirable. Now I see my ex as kind of pathetic and men who have it together who are emotionally available and thoughtful as the bees knees.
Work on you and the dating world around you gets better.
Jennifer,
That hasn’t been my experience. Yes, popular, charming jerks are notorious for their behavior towards women but the ones that come off as nice end up being just as bad. Case in point; I thought I was going for a non-superficial relationship with the last guy because he was balding, had a son from a previous marriage, and had a shortened life expectancy due to an organ transplant but he treated me well and and was a decent person deep down, or so I thought. Well, when I enforced a boundary (well-advised by Natalie’s blog posts) he lost his cool and in an uncontrollable rage broke up with me via text saying that I was trying to come between him and his son. What did I do that was so awful? I had asked to reschedule a date for the following week because I didn’t want to accept crumbs of a shortened timeframe due to his busy schedule. He went ballistic via text. When I asked him to call me on the phone to discuss he refused. And these are the “nice” guys? You can see my hesitation in believing truly nice men are in abundance. I’m better off solo than being put through pain over and over again now with men I’m “settling” for. Like the original poster, I don’t see the point anymore. Years of trying to fix the wrongs and attempting to be open to new ways of finding love only to have the same, frustrated outcome wears you down. I love Natalie’s posts and what she offers in terms of empowering advice but I’m now looking inward for fulfillment and not in the arms of another. Will love ever happen for me in the future? Who knows but I’m no longer making it a priority. Accomplishing dreams are what’s more important to me at this moment. Love can take a backseat, indefinitely.
Elizabeth,
You bring up an excellent point. Who knows if the men who are asking me out are actually decent people? I didn’t date them. Just because someone seems to have it together and they’re superficially nice, doesn’t mean it’s all good underneath. We are conditioned to place way too much value on dating and in some ways that has near ruined my life in all other areas as well. I know I’m not alone in this. My first response to you was based on the thought, “Maybe it’s not that bad,” which is insensitive and presumptive. I apologize. And I relate. I’m glad I responded initially because it forced me to really evaluate the relationship I see as being healthy in others. Really, the one I specifically mentioned of a friend who is dating a wonderful man, met him randomly and as I do know him as we are all friends, he is the only man I’ve know to be truly good. I had a therapist tell me good men to love were few and far between. I was so angry and upset at her, but based on my experience, she was right.
I too am in love with Natalie’s materials because they are so relevant to life (and she is a brilliant gift to society), and a life saver to women who have been horribly abused and need help in setting boundaries and navigating through life.
Ninety percent of the women I know who are in relationships have settled and are forfeiting a certain part of themselves. Case in point. My grandmother married her first boyfriend at 19. He was cruel to her then and 60 years later he still makes her miserable.
You are on the right track. It is much much better to be alone and responsible for your experience in life, treat yourself as well as you can, and derive some pleasure and self-esteem for your existence instead of listening to most say you “need” a relationship or would be better for it.
Kudos to you and thank you for your inspiring honesty. It’s better to be stark than in the dark.
Natalie, this is my first time posting but I just wanted to say right off the bat that without you and the deeply affecting, enlightening, and liberating material you have shared with all of us on this blog, I wouldn’t have discovered how strong I was. How valuable I am, worthwhile. Whenever I forget after another round with a Mr. Unavailable, I always come here to feel validated in my decision to walk away and to ultimately choose myself over the sheen of the fantasy.
Esme, I feel like you and I are the same person. It’s amazing how this blog has united so many of us. This post could not have been more timely. I had a similar breakdown just this month and I’m still feeling the low of it. After taking a 7-month dating hiatus at the start of the year, I thought I was ready, I thought an emotionally available man would just pop right around the corner to reward the time I took off, as if my demons had been dealt with rather than just occasionally visited in the midst of trying to appear and stay busy. Three Mr. Unavailables later that I all met this summer, I’ve had my fill.
I’m proud to say that I walked sooner, folded faster than I have ever folded before (less than two months, quite the step forward where I would procrastinate leaving and would let it drag on for half a year, longer). I could see exactly what they were doing, could see exactly how inside I tried to justify the ambivalence, the hot and cold behaviour. But somehow, I couldn’t do it anymore. Playing the long game no longer had its thrill, the excuses I used to believe and tell myself about their inconsistent, flip-flapping behaviour fell flat. Through it all, three words kept reverberating through my being as I experienced once again the same crippling pangs of anxiety when they said one thing but did another, when they kept me on ice after a terrific time: Not. Good. Enough.
But it wasn’t me anymore that wasn’t good enough. It was the little I was getting from them that wasn’t. As Natalie mentioned in the post, now that I don’t have a face or name to attach these feelings of hurt and edging hopelessness, I keep thinking I must have felt more for the last guy. It’s simply a backlog of unresolved feelings from years of avoidance that’s finally playing itself out without the distraction of a new assclown to occupy me.
I took 7 months off and I am going to take more. It’s scary at first, Esme, but the more we learn about ourselves and invest in that person, we’ll know fully who she is and not only what she wants in a partner, but out life. I want to be selfish with myself, not every man gets to have us, not every man deserves our bodies, our time, our warmth, our hearts. The same fear of intimacy, inability to be vulnerable, and self-loathing we harbour exists in the men that we’ve met so far. When we’ve done the work, we can easily see and gravitate towards individuals who’ve also looked inward.
This post hit hard for me. I thought it was the loss of the Mr EU I was in a situationship with that I was struggling with. I just couldn’t understand why it’s taking me so unreasonably long to get over when I don’t even like him much. I’m embarrassed to be seen in his company. I definitely don’t want him as a partner. So why do I feel so heartbroken over someone I rationally don’t want?
Because I’ve been mistaken that it’s the loss of him that I’m struggling with. What I’m really struggling with are the reasons I got involved with him in the first place.
He triggers my original wound (absent narc father) and feels like home. Added to which, I learned from my mother’s example. She showed me how to attach to the first man who showed her/me any attention, regardless of his worth. I copied her without, until now, questioning the insanity of it.
Now that I see it, never again 🙂
To the original question Have you been in a similar situation to Esme?
Yes, a long time ago when I bought into little girl princess fantasies about wanting to live happily ever after with a man I didn’t really know at all.
Does anyone else see weak little girls rather than strong grown women in these stories?
Did anyone choose to grow up from these sorts of stories or rather choose to stay weak?
feminist theory,
Good point, but when much of the world worships men and their sons, it can be a tricky situation.