Mel asks “Why is it that men can totally transform themselves into the ideal partner when they finally fall in love, or meet ‘the one’, especially, if they’ve been bastards to their previous girlfriends?
Do they really keep up their good behaviour throughout their relationship (i.e. live happily ever after scenario)?
Wouldn’t such a man fall into his old pattern of behaviour when a difficulty arises in the relationship?
What truth does the idea that ‘past behaviour is a true indicator of future behaviour’ bear on this?”
OK before I answer these questions, you need to understand what a ‘bastard’ is. This is a man who is self-centred and disrespectful to women through both actions and words. He’s inconsiderate and lives by the hard and fast rule of treat her mean and keep her keen and he’s not changing his ways anytime soon. Lying, stealing, cheating, beating, deceiving, abusing mentally or physically are just some of the things that may be part of his repertoire. He often plays mind games with women to ensure that they end up so f*cked up that they either stay with him because they’ve become stupefied, or continues to seek out further bastards when the relationship is over because they no longer have a great sense of self-worth and have become bastard junkies.
A guy isn’t a bastard if he was a decent enough guy but he broke up with you for whatever reason. It’s important to understand that a guy is not a bastard just because things didn’t work about between you.
Why do men ‘transform’ into the ideal partner?
Relationships are a result of the sum of two people and other than when you get those smarmy bastards that dupe you into believing that they’re nice guys, most women who go out with bastards choose to. Call it drama seeking, call it making a rod for your own back, but sometimes we get exactly what we’re looking for. In the same respect, when he is in bastard mode, he tends to go for women that make it easy for him to behave in this way. But yes, sometimes a leopard does change its spots and the bastard becomes The Ideal Man.
What actually happens is that for whatever reason, and it isn’t always explainable, the guy feels inspired to be different and to be more than he was before. Men don’t change because you ask them to and will only stop being emotionally unavailable or a bastard when it suits and not a moment sooner. In order for a man to really fall in love he will need get in touch with his emotions and if he was a bad boy or emotionally unavailable and you were with him, this would have been impossible. Things and people do change and it may well be that he is in a different place mentally to where he is now and this has yielded positive relationship interaction. However – some men haven’t actually changed and are just going through an extended ‘chase’ phase (where they blow their hottest) but they eventually they start to blow rather cold…
Do they maintain the good behaviour?
Who knows? It’s different strokes for different folks and unfortunately 1) we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors and 2) his or her version of ‘ideal’ may be very different to someone else’s. Some men are accidental actors. They are so distanced from the reality of themselves and their interactions that they don’t even recognise how dangerous their behaviour is. If the guy hasn’t dealt with the issues that governed his behaviour then it is very likely that he’ll wake up one day, panic, and retreat to his previous form. Sometimes a guy mistreats a woman as a result of being unable to cope and communicate with his emotions and whatever struggles he is going through. Any woman he goes out with during this period will get the sh*tty end of the stick, regardless. If he’s really in a different place mentally to where he was before then he may well maintain his “good behaviour” but again this is all subjective.
Wouldn’t such a man fall into his old pattern of behaviour when a difficulty arises in the relationship?
This is all dependent on whether he has resolved the issues that governed his previous relationships. How we choose to cope with the rough times when we’re in a relationship is one of the key factors that determine its success. It depends on what the difficulty is and it also depends on how evolved he is in the current relationship. It is very possible that he has made a concerted effort to get in touch with his emotions and acknowledge things that stood in the way of having healthy relationships. Obviously if he hasn’t changed then it spells big trouble for the relationship.
What truth does the idea that ‘past behaviour is a true indicator of future behaviour’ bear on this?
An individuals past relationship behaviour is only some of an indicator to their future behaviour. It wholly depends on what it is and whether it has been dealt with but as a general rule I advise people to steer clear of obvious red flag behaviour. That said, you don’t need a reference from a man’s previous girlfriends because it is down to you as the individual to judge your man on how he is with you. Very few people can be objective about someone they used to go out with and who potentially broke their heart. Suddenly he’s a wanker, has a small penis, and was crap in the sack but that’s not what they used to think when they were begging him not to leave. Let’s be fair – We all evolve and circumstances and a different mindset make us very different in relationships. I used to be emotionally unavailable, a commitment-phobe, and a pain in the arse in relationships but I have changed. We all have the right and opportunity to be more than we were before.
I get the sense that by asking these questions you hope to find some answers about a man who has done this with someone else. What IS important is that you don’t spend time wondering why he is so different with someone else than he was with you. It’s the not the same relationship, circumstances, or the same people. You can’t validate yourself based on whether this guy could have been more than he was with you and it’s a matter of accepting that whatever and whoever he’s doing, it’s not with you. Many women derive their self-worth on how successful they are at the holding onto of a ‘bastard’ or emotionally unavailable man. If you manage to hold on and get him to change it’s like some sort of victory and you get to feel you’re worthy. If he really was a bastard, he wasn’t worthy of your time or a relationship with you and it’s best to move on.
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I have to admit that this is a topic and problem that has always always perplexed me.
As I said to my bf of 5 years the night we broke up due to his ‘not being sure, not wanting kids, not knowing what he wanted’,
‘if I see you in 6 months walking down the street with a pregnant 25yr old I will punch you both out’…lol
of course I was kidding (well mostly) but it is a true feeling. and you can’t help but blame yourself a bit. you know, if I was only more understanding, more patient, a better gf etc etc. fact of the matter is, there are jerks everywhere. I am sure that some of your best male friends have been spoken about this way as well, but you know a different side to them. The old, two sides to every story nugget. I have always resisted the ‘timing’ excuse in relationships gone awry, but maybe there is something to it, as NML states above…this article has been spinning in my head for the past couple of hours, and I even think that it has made me see things from a whole different perspective.
as usual , NML, great article!
There is a song by folk singer Edie Carey that speaks to this situation. She dated an emotionally unavailable man for several years, on again, off again. Finally she gave up and they broke up for good. Then he started dating someone else, and they seemingly have the relationship he was never capable of with Edie. Here are the lyrics to the song she wrote:
open wide
Is it giving in when you hold her?
Are you rationing a kiss
While you estimate the damage it does?
Do you retreat when she looks happy?
Is it still a crime to be content?
Do you rein in a smile before it can spread?
If I drove by your house tonight,
What would I find?
Would all the lights be on?
Would all your doors be open wide?
Do you economize with compliments?
Do you let her catch you when you stare?
Do you push, then pull
Let her push, then pull again?
Are you chalking in your borders?
Hosing them down again at night?
Do you issue the same dark warning?
If I drove by your house tonight,
What would I find?
Would all your lights be on?
Would all your doors be open wide?
And does it come easy now?
Does it spill out?
And did she crack you open somehow?
If I drove by your house tonight,
What would I find?
Would all your lights be on?
Would all your doors be open wide?
Very well written article!
Hmmm…very insightful! Thanks NML!
http://leveldeaded.livejournal.com/30288.html
I’m still hoping a particular bastard (qualifying as such in the mental/emotional abuse category, with his desires to cut me off from friends, his disproportionate fury at: my independent decision-making, my seeing friends, my being in the wrong place (a party) at the wrong time, my wanting love when he came home from long days at work, my wanting support surrounding surgical procedures, etc.) will come around. I’m desperately hoping. I left him – moved out – for all the above reasons, and because I was too tempted to cheat for it to be healthy. Now, knowing nothing of that temptation (only knowing the above reasons), he has come forward with commitments to therapy and to becoming this more compassionate, receptive, and loving character, I thought he was capable of it all before, but had that trust broken.
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! It is all to terrible for words, I feel he’ll certainly revert again, but spending time with him and I’m being tempted to forgive all the bastardly deeds. Plus…I have doubts that all his scorn for my party friends is even bastardly…some of them are a bit out of control and maybe I SHOULD diminish the time I spend with them for my own health?!
When the abusive-seeming actions might not just be abuse, when I feel like they might be productive ideas that I should comprimise on…it’s so hard to distinguish whether I should trust or not.
Incredible blog. It’s as though my eyes have opened for the first time!! I like the way you state that we all evolve in our relationships and have the right to want to be more than we once were. I know that I’m very different today and I accept far less bs then I once did. And I know that to some degree I’m responsible for attracting the men that won’t commit because my own insecurities kept them from getting to know the real me. I was great at settling and didn’t have the nerve to walk away when I received far less than I deserved. To be quite frank, if I had thought anything good about myself…..I would have never attracted the jerks to begin with.
So i have a story to share. My dad used to be a bastard.
I swear he drank, womanized, smoked and was a divorcee. Quite the package really. He would have multiple girlfriends at a time, be seeing two women at one time, who happened to be best friends or sisters. Had a terrible temper.
That was until he met my mum. Now my mum was innocent, sweet, loyal, kind caring and had a great heart. She had never had a boyfriend before and she was working for his parents in a restaurant as a waiter and they loved her.
Neways they started dating. Obviously in the end they go married. But all i can say is that my dad has cant stand alcohol anymore, has been completely faithful to my mum and has been one of the best dads i could ever ask for. He stopped smoking ( cold turkey) when he found out my older brother was being born and hasn’t touched a cigarette since.
Now im not saying that all this change was done over night and im not saying that it was my mum that insigated it.
I just saying that .. hey sometimes these things happen. Sometimes you meet someone and they bring out the best in you.
You cant force people to change, you have to accept them as they are. My mum did that .. and i rekon that she found a diamond in the rough.
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