I talk a lot about ambiguity in relationships, especially with emotionally unavailable men, yet I have mixed views about the Defining The Relationship talk for a number of reasons:
Actions speak louder than words. His words don’t mean jack if he doesn’t back it up with actions. Whether they’re a big damn liar that lack the balls to be honest, or they have bitten off more than they can chew, when someone tells you that you’re in a relationship but then fails to behave like they’re in one, it’s because you’re not.
If a relationship is going well and ticking the boxes for the hallmarks of a good new relationship, you shouldn’t need to have a heavy discussion to define things. If the relationship is going well, you’ll both be eager to declare yourself in a relationship without either of you having to pull teeth. Even if a conversation was had, it would be pleasant.
Often, we are capable of defining things for ourselves without him having to open his mouth. The problem is that many people fail to exercise judgment and when they do, they do nothing with the information or compute it as anything but what it actually is. Much like actions speaking louder than words, we’d have much greater relationship success if we exercised judgment, paid attention to red flags, and followed our guts. If you feel bad in your relationship, you really don’t need him to confirm that for you and likewise, shouldn’t you know when you feel good?
People often try to define things too soon or too late. The jump the gunners and the late starters both make a rod for their own backs. The former are so eager to define things that they don’t even give themselves a chance to get to know the person and determine whether they want what they’re trying to define. The latter goes along with things and inadvertently ends up setting the tone and then decides to close the door after the horse has bolted. What is the point in trying to define things after you have been more than happy to be in a flimsy, ambiguous, relationship for an extended period of time, where he has already figured out that he can do what he likes with you?
Defining the relationship sets boundaries and removes ambiguity but the very act of doing it means that you either end up with a positive result, or you put the cat amongst the pigeons if you get an undesired result. Trust me when I say that defining things isn’t that scary a thing if you have good foundations for your relationship. It’s when you have rocky foundations that things can get out of control. People also forget that ‘defining things’ isn’t just about saying ‘we are exclusive’ ; ‘you are my girlfriend/boyfriend’or ‘I love you’. It’s actually about being honest about where you are and your intentions. It’s the get out moment for both of you.
Because people fear confrontation, they can inadvertently end up making decisions for their partner that they have no business doing. People should be honest about whether they have kids, they are separated, divorcing, married, attached etc but often fail to be, which means that they remove the opportunity for the other party to decide if this is something that they want to be involved in.
Defining the relationship is about honesty and displaying a level of maturity that can often be absent with people that fear the attendant emotions and situations that come along with being with someone and having to share themselves. Remember that relationships can only progress and thrive when both parties have both feet in the relationship, so regardless of what discussions are had about your relationship, check that you both have your feet in first.
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Today’s Dilbert comic made me think of all the great advice you give about women who keep making bad choices and wondering why things don’t go well: http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert2061101070626.gif
yet another fantastic post – you are a great writer for the online medium.
thanks for the pleasure of reading – your insights are spot on!
I’m not knowing if it is time to define or move on. I’ve posted a few times here the past couple of days. Love this site!
I’m in a conundrum. I’ve been seeing a guy for nearly 7 months. He is 52 and I’m 50. He’s very attractive, successful and great sense of humor and wit. However, His wife of 25 years left him a year ago for a friend of the family (plus, he has to pay her alimony). This has of course devastated him. When we first began, he was crazy and obsessed about me and I think I provided a fabulous distraction from his divorce. He had very little experience with women before his wife so I think he believed that his infatuation with me was true love. Of course, after 4 or 5 months, it began to fade and his painful reality of the ugly divorce returned full force. But he thought the fading of infatuation meant I wasn’t “it” for him, though he still wants to date me.
We get along great and have had some really good times together. He has also introduced me to his family (mom, sisters, brother, grown daughters) and they all like me a lot and I like them too. I’ve met his friends and he’s met my family and friends. These introductions were done early on during the infatuation stage. But I continue to have a close tie with his family and friends. He’s also met my 11 year old daughter and has been working on strengthening that relationship with her.
He’s a little uptight with sex, but we’ve been working very subtly trying to improve that area.
The problem is, he still pulls back from me after we have a few close days of getting along great. He has NEVER slept in the same bed with me. When we went to Hawaii, he got separate beds. When we have sex at my place or his, we go home after the end of the evening (live close to each other) and now, it has become too awkward to bring this up. We don’t talk about the relationship. The last time we did talk about things after a falling out in July, he said that he isn’t feeling a strong yearning for me of falling in love — doesn’t know if it is because of all the pain he’s going through in his divorce. But still wants to date me. I’ve been very patient and I’m also independent with a very active life. I told him that it is crazy to think about love this early into a relationship as it takes time to really get to know someone and bond with them. I told him that while I was quite fond of him, I wasn’t ready to say I love you either.
However, I’m wondering if I’m just wasting my time with someone who isn’t sure of anything. Sometimes, I feel like I can do this if he shows an interest in continuing to see me just through his actions. He says he wants to see me and spend time with me. Then other times he is distant and seems like a stranger to me.
What would any of you suggest??? Has anyone been through anything like this before?
Thank you!
— Francee
Hi Francee. Glad that you love the site 🙂 Whilst you could have a talk with him, in many ways, this man is actually defining the relationship with his actions. Not only is this guy emotionally unavailable due to the fallout from his divorce ad how he is dealing with it, but he is selfish enough to want to keep you on ice whilst he figures out his life. You’re right that he can’t distinguish between struggling with the reality of divorce and his interest in you, and that he has taken this as a sign that you aren’t The One, but ultimately you deserve to be treated better. This guy is behaving emotionally like a man less than half of his age and his being irresponsible with his behaviour and attitude towards you.
This is the trouble with these men – they don’t commit to being with you…and they’re too narcissistic and selfish that they can’t commit to not being with you. He likes the fringe benefits of being with you without wanting to be with you enough.
The distance is part of the emotionally unavailable thing – he is just too caught up in his world, his problems, his everything. You can’t force him to be emotionally available. He’ll do it when he feels damn good and ready, if ever, and I don’t suggest you play Florence Nightingale and try to heal him. If you want a relationship with a man who is into you and aspiring for the same relationship direction, I suggest you cut your losses and walk away. These men have a habit of sucking up your time and life and you are worth waaaay more than this.
Take care
NML Editor