I recently spent an afternoon chilling out with my brother and we decided to watch some ‘trash tv’ so after a bit of Katie and Peter Stateside, we homed in on Judge Hatchett and within minutes we were in stitches laughing as a woman and her ‘witnesses’ stepped up to call a man a ‘lowdown dirty dog’. He had basically slept with each of the women, made out he was their boyfriend while holding down a job driving a truck long-distance (read: opportunity to screw over other woman), and would rent an apartment ‘with’ the woman and then bail on the rent and the bills, clocking up a mountain of excuses and lies en route, all while lining up the next girlfriend to rent with.

It wasn’t the first time he’d been taken to court and he certainly has more than a little woof in him, but something he said reminded me of why it is very dangerous to stick with assclowns and Mr Unavailables:

“If I was really that bad, sure, they wouldn’t be with me!”

Now actually, the fact that these women were with him was actually a reflection of their poor judgement rather than a glowing character reference, but what he said reflects the thinking of many men (and women).

When I have talked about the importance of boundaries, I’ve emphasised that we really do teach people how to treat us and what to expect from us.

Our problem is that in dealing with our own issues, we attach all sorts of meaning to our own behaviour and to that of others, rather than actually take action, and/or getting some perspective. We’re, once again, too busy looking at the trees instead of seeing the wood.

This means that rather than look at a guy’s crappy behaviour and add two and two and make four and recognise that the fact that he is behaving so poorly in the relationship is indicative of his character and his inability to be present, accountable and decent for the relationship, we decide to ignore this information.

Instead, we decide that even though he is behaving poorly, the fact that he keeps coming back means that there must be something irresistible about us, that he must love us, be crazy about us, and can’t live without our ‘medicine’.

We think he keeps coming back because he wants to change but just doesn’t know how.

We decide he behaves like an asdclown, not because he is an assclown, but because he’s a poor little soul that just doesn’t know how to show it but it’s trapped there somewhere within and it just needs the love of a ‘good woman’ to release it.

The reality is that because so many women are willing to welcome Mr Unavailables and assclowns and allow them to stay even when they contribute little or nothing to the relationship and cause untold damage on their self-esteem, these men who are already distanced from the reality of themselves get a consistent message that they’re alright.

They think: Surely, if I was really that bad, I wouldn’t be able to pull women/she wouldn’t keep taking me back/I wouldn’t be able to call up X, Y, and Z and still be able to swing up in their lives after however many months and years without so much as a bye nor leave.

Many of the guys that shouldn’t even be peed on if they were on fire actually believe that they are good catches.

Why shouldn’t they? No matter how much of an assclown they are, they have women pursuing them!

Many Mr Unavailables and assclowns do not even recognise that there is anything remotely wrong with their behaviour.

Why would they? If they are allowed to cross boundaries and don’t feel consequences very often, how are they supposed to see this.

Some Mr Unavailables and assclowns do recognise that there behaviour is anything from inappropriate to poor to outrageous, but they recognise that if you had more cajones about yourself that you wouldn’t be giving them the time of day, so they think that gives them a free pass to behave as they like.

And often, let’s be real, they can do what they like so their assumptions end up being believed to be correct.

Some Mr Unavailables and assclowns do recognise their behaviour for what it is but don’t care to change. They are upfront and don’t go out of their way to disguise their actions but they find themselves with women who believe that with them, they will be different.

Why should he change? There is no impetus to because so far, he is accepted, albeit with half-hearted complaints. Their attitude – you met me as you found me.

All of these guys are disconnected from the reality of their behaviour and most take the basics of human interaction, acceptance and rejection, at a basic level:

If you accept my behaviour in any way, shape or form, then you must be OK with it, which means that I’m not a bad guy, which means you know what you’re dealing with, which means you put your hand in the fire so of course you’re going to get burned.

In their world, people who really are that bad, don’t have women trying to keep them, chase them, and commit them to a relationship.

In their world, people who are not happy with what they’re getting from a relationship leave because when things don’t suit them, it’s exactly what they do… although many of them make sure that they leave the door open a crack should they feel like reopening it and messing around with your head while reaping the fringe benefits of a shag / ego stroke / shoulder to lean on or use….

They’re a bit black and white in this respect which means that all of the energy you spend trying to adapt and morph for them, or trying to get them to change, or trying to understand and accommodate them, is wasted.

You want to send a real signal that someone’s behaviour is not acceptable and that they have crossed a boundary? Reject their behaviour and ensure there are consequences because there’s no point telling someone he’s a poor partner and that you’re not happy, if you not only stick around, but you let him repeat the behaviour and add in some other offences for good measure, and you’re begging him for sex and affection, plus telling him that you’ll always be there no matter what and who he does.

Let your actions reflect your words and if he won’t take action, you have to, otherwise he’ll believe that he’s not the problem.

Your thoughts? Have you considered how your action, or inaction may be interpreted?


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