There is one thing that is missing out of my relationship with the boyf, and it’s drama. I don’t miss it, I don’t want it and when I compare previous relationships and this one, aside from the fact that they were all annoying assclowns or Mr Unavailables, there is a serious lack of drama.
We have a fun, exciting relationship which has a new dimension with the bambino thrown in and I do not miss all of the negative feelings that are associated with the type of drama that comes your way when you’re in a dubious relationship.
Ambiguity. Anxiety. Frustration. Loneliness. Infrequent highs followed by frequent major lows. Inconsistency. Insecurity. Melodrama. Heartbreak. Redundant. Maligned. Insignificant. Anger. Despair. And the list goes on…
My days of being drawn to relationships that only serve to make me feel bad about myself are long over, but there are many women out there that are inadvertent Drama Seekers.
It’s not that women sit there and think “Hmmm, I really want a guy who is a tosser and will treat me like sh*t and cause me to feel bad about myself whilr chucking me crumbs from the relationship”, but it’s what they chase nonetheless.
Many women love men who cater to the negative things that they believe about themselves, love, and relationships.
They keep flogging these dead horses and being with these men who as a result of the type of relationships they offer, create a lot of drama. Hence, if we love these types of men we in turn inadvertently love the drama that they bring to the table.
In my book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, I talk about when emotionally unavailable men blow hot and cold and manage down your expectations so that they can maintain The Status Quo. Quite simply this is:
Mr Unavailable likes the comfortable middle ground that he has defined for the relationship. If you imagine a relationship on a scale of one to ten, this is the magic number five. If you try to dump him, things slip below five and he’ll blow hot to pull it to above five as a buffer. Obviously when things are above five, let’s say he gets shoehorned into taking you out twice in one week (!!), he’ll blow cold or lukewarm to manage things back to five.
Now on the flipside, if you’re a Fallback Girl, you will have your own part to play in this because this middle ground actually comforts you because it appears that things are chugging along, albeit nowhere, but you also actually like things going below or above five.
This tooing and froing back and forth above and below the middle ground is your drama. His blowing hot and cold signals something internally that says that you should get invested and prove yourself. This all feeds into the vicious circle of drama, which in turn creates the very uncertainty and anxiety that you profess to hate but that you actively (even if it is inadvertently) create.
The trouble with you is that you don’t feel comfortable at any stage of the relationship scale because of the type of relationships that you engage in.
Each stage of happiness or unhappiness brings out other fears and different levels of distrust.
When he takes things below five, you really do hate it but it does cater to the negative things that you believe about relationships and yourself, so you do derive some level of comfort from it and it also places you back in the fighting zone to battle to bring it back to five and above, and you love doing this because you believe no relationship is worth having if you’re not fighting for it and living in drama central.
When you are both merrily coasting along at five you will gradually become irritated because you will wonder when things will take a turn for the worse, or you’ll crave for him to take things to a higher level and realise the potential that you have placed on him. Of course, when it is above a five, you’re still suspicious because you know that you expect it to be a five or below, so even if you were with someone who could give you an eight, for instance, your distrust and insecurity could drag it below five, all of this catering to the self-fulfilling prophecy.
You like drama. In fact, you love and crave drama. There was a time when you thought that this was about the pursuit of excitement and may have even believed that it was a phase, but when you have attempted to go out with emotionally available guys, you were uncomfortable and now you believe that real passion, love, connectivity, and companionship are found with emotionally unavailable men that make you jump through hoops.
Go out with Mr Unavailables/Bad Boys/Assclowns/Jerks/whatever you want to call them and no matter what you profess to want, you are seeking drama.
Are you a drama seeker? Your thoughts?
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So true!! Why does one do such a thing? Are we trying to re-create our past, upbringing? How does one free themselves from this vicious cycle? It begins to feel like a HOPELESS situation and makes you want to run from any kind of relationship inspite of your intense desire to love and want to be loved. Another element here, for atleast me is that I think I’m realizing that I find it difficult to receive love(even though deep down inside everyone wants to be loved) so in that case, it’s easy to be with someone who is expecting all the attention to go to them and putting your own needs/desires aside…does that make sense? Where do you start in the process of ending this dysfunction?
Drama is fun, when your young. But I have to admit, it can grate on you.
Like a drug, drama is physically addictive. Anxiety, misery, upset and emotional pain release beta-endorphins, the “feel good” chemicals, into the body. You keep going back to it for a hit. For a fix. For your high. You don’t know why, but it hurts so good.
Deliberately starting arguments is a hit.
Reliving confrontations, arguments, or painful episodes over and over in your head is a hit.
Repetitive obsessive compulsive behaviors is a hit.
Imagining a confrontation or an argument with him is a hit.
Creating or participating in drama in your work, family, or social situation is a hit.
You tell yourself in sane moments that you’ve had enough. You get angry wondering why you fell for it again, why you got into it with him again, why you let him get to you again, why you can’t seem to “just say no.” Getting a hit of beta-endorphin is an addition and you crave it.
Drama is not fun! I have a friend who is involved with a man who has tons of drama in his life–recently divorced–problems with his kids and ex-wife–basically, a constant day-in-and-day-out drama-fest. And, sadly, my friend has gotten sucked up into this (of course, that was her choice) and her Drama King leaves her no time for other things in her life–like her friends. I believe people thrive on drama for the “high”, but also for another reason–being constantly focused on the drama keeps you from having to focus on THE MAN YOU ARE WITH, i.e., if there are underlying issues with the relationship, you don’t have to deal with them because you are too busy focusing on all of the drama. So, I think it’s a weird twisted diversion of some sort that keeps you from addressing the more important issues that could exist in the relationship. I see all kinds of red flags with her relationship with this man, but I have to remember, it’s not my business and it’s her life. I just miss my friend.
I agree with Mims about the physical addiction – those chemicals are for real. Another aspect is that going from crisis to crisis gives the woman a feeling of importance, about herself and the relationship. If things run smoothly, she misses it – it’s like she has no proof that she matters. Maybe she doesn’t get that from anything else. Also, as time goes on, she develops the skills to handle the drama but doesn’t develop skills for normal day-to-day living with someone. After a few years, she is seriously at a disadvantage in normal relationships and probably feels more confident dealing with the drama. The answer – stop focussing on what he does and start thinking about what you do. Ask yourself what you have missed out on by giving priority to the drama – work, friendship, travel – and start filling your life with those things instead. Be honest – it hurts but it’s the only way you will change. And realize, it won’t happen in a day – just like any addiction, you have to keep working on it.
Nat,
Girl I see where you are coming from totally! you know some girls love the ups and downs of being in a relationship.
When they don’t have drama they go about trying to create situations to get it.
I don’t think that they do it intentionally, but its part of what creates that attraction for them.
I think its good to recognize that life has enough ups and downs as it is. And its best to have your partner there supporting you when life challenges you .. rather than HIM being the one and only challenge
Hope that made sense =)
Ohh and I fixed my comment prob Nat .. thanks =)
HAF
http://www.hotalphafemale.blogspot.com