Define Your Goals
We all need a purpose and we all need direction. Establishing what you want in the short, medium and long term not only gives you something to aspire to but also let’s you know if you’re living the life that enables you to have a cats hope in hell of achieving any of these things.
The key with writing the list is not about putting just the big things that you want but also the small things. It’s like your life to do list! When you look at the list, not only will you realise that there is plenty to fill up your life with, but you can establish whether you have unrealistic or too low expectations. I wrote a list two years ago and it was the kick up the backside that I needed. You may find that you refer to the list often, or that once you have written it that it’s enough to clear your head and galvanise you into action.
If there are things on the list that you can tackle straight away, do it, as you will feel a sense of achievement that will spur you on. Don’t try to do everything all at once and make sure you have clearly defined what falls into ‘short term’ (within the next 6 months), ‘medium term’ (6 months to three years), and ‘long term’ (3 years plus). You can adjust the time periods to suit but make sure that you have a timeline.
Get To Know You
What are your values, where do you want to go, what do you want to be, what motivates you, are you happy, and do you have any unresolved issues? If you don’t know you, it’s very easy to sideline yourself and your needs when someone else enters the picture. Knowing yourself and what is truly important to you will ensure that when you do meet someone or have a relationship that you’re with people that meet your core needs and values. Not knowing yourself leaves you open to anyone coming along and high-jacking your spirit.
If you do have unresolved issues, understand what drives them and find peace with yourself and with anyone else involved with that issue so that you can forgive and move on. Understanding what is behind destructive behaviour and issues is half the battle – Once you know what it is and acknowledge it, you have the opportunity to make changes and live a better life. It’s better to have a positive energy for yourself rather than negative energy that weighs you down. If you can’t find closure on your own or need help establishing the root of your unhappiness, see a counsellor or therapist. Look out for upcoming articles on defining and resolving issues so that you can move on.
Do What You Enjoy and Do What You Want
You should be able to do this regardless of your relationship status. Many people for instance treat being single as the tedious time that they pass between relationships, rather than a fabulous ‘Me Time’ opportunity. Whatever your relationship status, never make the responsibility of your happiness or the ability to do what you want to do, somebody else’s. Don’t believe that life will become enjoyable when you meet someone else. Get on with enjoying your life now!
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Thank you for having this site, I doubt you will ever realise just how much your articles have prodded me to take a stand in my life and for my rights. I was always made to feel, by Mr. Unavailable of course that something was wrong with me for not being able to accept his behaviour, he was breakin me up with his degrading remarks, calling me names, telling me that I was needy when in reality it was him who was scared of who I really was and who was I ” Strong, independent, loving, caring and a very trusting women” and he had an agenda, maybe he got off on it, I will never know, he wanted to break me.
I told him to go to hell a month ago and I stumbled on this site, I know many women out there go it alone and are lost thinking this could only be happening to them but after reading these articles I realise I am not alone and most importantly it has shed light in the dark world he was slowly drawing me.
I am getting back to me and read your articles on a daily basis to keep grounded. I am also considering counselling which I never have before, I have had a traumatic childhood and I need to sort out issues with ME.
Thank you, thank you for all the articles, I guess we could get along without men in our lives but just where would we be without our sisters.
Finally Free
Hi Maire,
My birthday was this past weekend. I asked my boyfriend of over 1 year to go on vacation with me. He did after much begging. I knew what was in store for me as I did in the past. I would pay for everything and then maybe get a card saying “he wish he could do more”. I am so sick and tired of this man validating who I am. I have a great personality and lust for life only to have it beaten down by this rude, foul mouthed, weak …should I go on ….man. I need to get real and realize I need to love myself more and then and only then can I sew a new path to my future. I read your blog….and really want to tell this guy to get lost..but haven’t done so because of my insecurities of being alone. I need to get along without a man in my life. Maybe I can get a backbone…and be free and happy !
Dear Colleen
I know exactly how you feel, really and even as we know all these things and they hurt us like hell, we can’t really turn off our feelings for them can we. I hold a great job, lift weights, run and am an intelligent, no nonsense kindda gal and yet he can break me down every time and well I still love him. I think the way this goes its like this Colleen, you will leave him when the pains gets too much and you are like me, feeling sad, down, insecure all the time and that gut instinct that something just ain’t right in the garden of love.
I’ven been through a lot and a lot I have been through making excuses for him but what could possibly be the excuse of not knowing where he lived or anything about him in a year or why I have not been over to his place when he keeps saying we are committed.
I received an email from him recently where he confessed that only a part of him is available for our relationship and though the crazy part of me wanted to say, YESSSS I will settle for one teeny weeny part, I did not reply to that mail and instead everyday kept coming on this site to read and get stronger.
Look Colleen I am, ok, let me rephrase, was in your shoes, I am in immense pain, just because I broke up with him, does not make it easy on me but I tell myself, one day, take it one day, be strong for one, then the other and then before you know it, you begin to see this ass### for who he is and gal we got more balls that all the EUA men put together ok.
Be strong.
Ladies, I know it is hard to leave these selfish men that use us, but with support systems such as counseling or family you can make it throug day, months and years without looking back for these awful guys that have mistreated us. If you don’t want to tell or don’t have family or friends and you don’t have insurance or access to a counselor for some reason, keep in mind that there are free, anonymous hotlines that you can call from a payphone, cellphone etc. in order to get the help that you need. You do not have to be crazy or suicidal in order to call these hotlines and ask for support. Look online or under the yellow pages for “hopeline” or hotlines that you can call to speak with a free counselor. You can even give a fake name if you don’t feel comfortable giving your real one; they won’t ask for any information and the people who you are talking to are volunteers who really care about what happen to you. Get the name of the counselor and ask if you can use them as a support system to talk to for a few minutes a day. Find out when you can call them again. Whether you use the hotline or even online support groups for the heartache that comes from breaking a relationship off from one of these selfish guys, you find that in order to get through it (without calling the guy back or seeing him again) you will need some type of support system. It worked for me 5months ago. I am now more productive and successful than I have ever been and my life and now I feel ready for real love with a good man, if I recognize it. The difference is now, I don’t see having love from a man, any man or a little bitty peace of a man as the end-all be-all of my life. I started doing things, working toward and acheiving goals that ONLY involved me. As a 30 year old, single mom of two who has been abandoned, abused and divorced twice from two men, I can honestly tell you that for the first time in my life I have actually found peace and happiness without a man. My mom used to tell me that: “True happiness, is the happiness that you find all by yourself”. I never thought that I could obtain this, but I have and I don’t feel this desperate need to be “completed” by a man. At this point, If I find what I believe is a good man with good a character, HE WILL ONLY COMPLIMENT MY LIFE not complete me.
Good Luck and stay strong ladies! You can do it!