Loving Annie is a long-time reader of Baggage Reclaim and has truly felt the pain and come out the other side. I’m very proud of her progress and she’s 100% committed to creating a different experience for herself and letting go of the baggage and illusions that held her back in the past and kept her stuck. Today she shares an empowering exercise for injecting some reality and perspective so that you can, not only let go of the illusion, but create boundaries to ensure that future partners cannot repeat that behaviour with you. This is an opportunity to make use of the ‘coulda, woulda, shouda’ thoughts….
Why does he do this to you ? The blunt answer is because you let him.
Before you rise up in outrage and say, well, anything… think of this :
Write down a short paragraph identifying every every single time in the course of your relationship that he did something disappointing, baffling, hurtful, deceitful, cold, shocking, dishonest, frustrating, etc.
Every time he managed your expectations down.
Every time he blew hot and then cold.
Every time he gave you false hope.
Every time he broke a date or a promise or his word.
Every time his words said one thing and his actions said something else.
Every time you let him talk you out of ending things.
Every single time that you could have left – and didn’t.
Now after each of those examples of his assclown-iness, write down what you should have said to him and done.
Ladies, the pain ends when we choose ourselves and our value over them and our daydreams.
The more stubbornly you hold onto hope, the more you cling to the fantasy that this guy is the man for you (no matter what evidence to the contrary that he is not good for or to you), the worse the heartache gets.
If you had left early on, the pain wouldn’t have been as bad.
You can’t rewrite the past. But you can use the examples of the behavior in the paragraphs you wrote above to know that if a man EVER pulls any of those maneuvers again, you will call a halt to the bullsh*t immediately and end your own cooperation with the game designed to erode your self-confidence.
When you don’t waste your own time, then an assclown can’t waste it.
There is no pain because instead of your heart being violated – your boundaries have been crossed, and you know it it is him and not you. No Contact, done, next.
You take responsibility for your actions in your 50% of the relationship, but you don’t blame yourself. Because you see the situation clearly, you don’t respond like you did in the past by obsessing, grieiving for a long time, or being stuck, because you see clearly.
Now, knowing that you’ve learned, a man can’t treat you poorly. You won’t put up with it. There is no pain involved. It hasn’t gotten that far. He hasn’t been able – with your tacit consent – to play head games with you.
Bravo, ladies, Mr. Unavailabile’s lines don’t fool you – not in week one or week one hundred and one. You see clearly and know you have no interest in someone who isn’t showing that he values you and your time the way you want it to be valued. You won’t ever misread him because you’ll never let him mislead you.