When I think back over all of the places that I have been where I have met guys or attempted to, I realise that being single can be an expensive habit. My smug couple friends all watch DVDs and eat takeaways, which is way cheaper. These are all the places since I broke up with my ex in June 2003.
1. Countless bars and nightclubs – London
The longest I have lasted with a guy that I met like this is 3 weeks. In London, there are 11 single women to 1 man if they are both in their 20s, which explains a lot of things.
2. Abroad – NYC, Washington, Egypt, Mallorca, Antigua, Hungary and Dublin.
Do you know that I have only met ONE bit of hot totty in all of those places during this period?
3. Leaving Do’s
You know what they say, out with the old, in with the new. And then start again…
4. Blind dates and through friends
After a series of disasters, it has become clear that my friends have no clue what is suitable for me when it comes to blind dates. One was a complete perv and the other needed a sense of humour transplant as an off the cuff joke backfired spectacularly. There was some ‘success’ though when I was introduced to one guy and we ‘dated’ for 5 months. It’s just a shame he turned out to be a Mr Unavailable.
5. Tube Station
I thought I would be brave and let myself be chatted up. I regretted it 3 days later when I found myself on a date with a guy that fired questions at me like a police officer and analysed the date while on it. I’m back to my original stance: Only weirdo’s chat me up on the tube.
6. Grocery delivery
Sometimes I get more than the meat and veg I ordered when I get chatted up by the guy who humps my delivery up the stairs. They all try it and they all comment on whatever I have ordered and it’s always a state the obvious moment.
7. Maintenance Man
I had to do an emergency callout when my idiot neighbours flooded my hall. He didn’t arrive till almost midnight but completely overstayed his welcome by spending an excessive amount of time filling out the form and asking far too many questions about the non-existent state of my love life.
8. Chinese Takeaway
I was convinced the guy was a bit odd as I was sure that he’d spied out the window to see where I live. Then he cocked up my order and without thinking, I phoned him up and he ended up delivering the food to my door and then he really did know where I lived!
Here’s a hot tip: Be careful of sh*tting on your own doorstep. It does get messy and you’ll want to avoid it if it doesn’t get cleaned up….nuff said!
10. My Mum Pushes Them On Me
I just look completely disinterested now or say something really naughty that has her tutting and giving me filthy looks and him apologetic ones.
11. The Gym
If you’re looking for totty at the gym, don’t bother, or at least don’t join the one that half your company go to. Why the hell would you pay money to see people you don’t fancy sweating at a spinning class?
12. Estate Agent
I rented a flat from one and he asked me out for a ‘friendly drink’ which I accepted, but as soon as I mentioned the imaginery boyfriend, he said he had a headache…
13. Kilburn High Road
I always get approached by old men, sometimes dirty ones and they always offer to carry my shopping, even though another woman just walked by with a load of bags. I politely decline their offer and they ask me if I want to go for a drink. I’m worried that I’m giving off a funny vibe….
14. Speeddating and Lock and Key Party’s
Fun but full of strange guys that are paying the money to be weird on my time. It’s great practice for learning how to talk to guys meaningfully for 3 minutes but I have never actually been on a date with anyone I met at these events. I did however end up on breakfast TV, forget about it and then was spotted by lots of people that knew me. Oh the shame. Now half of my mates back home in Dublin must have been laughing their heads off after me moving to London and not picking up any hot totty without paying for it……