When I was a kid, my parents took me to various fairs and amusement parks. I think they would have preferred if I went on the kiddie rides like the teacups and the merry-go-round, but I always wanted to go on the biggest, wildest rides, like the rollercoasters and the pirate ships. I surprised myself though recently by realising that when it comes to my love life (or lack of it at the moment), it is one big bloody merry-go-round. I didn’t ask to go on the merry-go-round and I’m wondering: When is it going to stop or how the hell do I jump off this thing?
Have you ever felt like you’re trapped in a vicious cycle? Go out with one Mr Unavailable, have him be unavailable, pander to his unavailability, grow tired of it, call time on the fiasco, vow to do different, and then move onto the next Mr Unavailable [insert your ‘type’]. It’s like being hooked on relationship-crack and whilst it gives you an initial buzz, you end up feeling like poo, empty, extremely short-changed, yet addicted to it. What about if the same cast of characters keep flitting in and out of your soap opera? Unfortunately I have a habit of walking away and then letting them call me and creep in and out of my life.
I swear I don’t do it on purpose and I thought that it was only something that had occurred in recent years and then a cold feeling crept over me as I remembered a guy who I ‘dated’ on and off for four years about eight years ago! How the hell did I manage to forget that and how the hell did I manage to drag out that palava for so long?! I sniffed myself after this realisation and noted that I smelt of Victoria Secret body spray and no matter how deeply I sniffed, I couldn’t figure out what ‘whiff’ I was giving off that says to guys, ‘Please take the piss with me. I don’t mind at all!’ Then I realised that I don’t need to give off a ‘whiff’ because the moment that I allowed unavailable behaviour to take place, I set the tone of things.
I know several women going through the same realisations about themselves and no matter what we may say about the ‘him’ in each of these cases, we have to look to ourselves for where we are, where we have been, and where we’ll be. I have sat with two of my closest friends in the park each summer for the past few years and each one of us has said how the year in question would be the year that we would get our lives in order, yet a few years have gone by, and between three of us, not one of us actually managed to pull our finger out with our respective relationship goals. That is scary!
I know we all know our own minds but I think that while we can’t ram it down peoples throats, I think we need to stop coasting through life blaming our failures on the guys that we allow into our lives and support each other as friends and just say NO! to living half lives. Just say no to relationship crack, because every time we subscribe to this bullshit we make ourselves more frustrated and it’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy that says that there are not many good guys out there and dating is hard.
I can jump off the merry-go-round and probably fall and smash my face. The scars will fade but will I actually have learnt my lesson properly? I think the best thing I can do is change my behaviour, my attitude, my pattern, and the merry-go-round will come to a stop and I can walk past my relationship-crack dealer into a happier future. Anybody else want to join me?