I had someone ask me yesterday if she should offer to go halves or pay for the whole dinner for a first date. “Who asked who out?” I asked. “He did.”
“And why do you want to pay half or for the whole dinner?”
“Well we’re all equal and I don’t want him thinking I can’t pay my way or that I’m dependent on him.”
Let me be brutally honest: If paying for half or a whole meal is the best you can do to show that you’re an Independent Woman (click your fingers with me now), then I feel worried for you. How the hell can someone be dependent on someone else because they paid for dinner!?!
Paying on dates is a tenuous issue, but as a general rule of thumb, unless for some reason he has already said that you’re going dutch or you asked him out and told him that it was your treat, let him pay on the first date. Most guys will feel at least a little bit funny about you feeling that you have to pay. It’s not because they feel that a woman is any less than them (generally…) but why do we have to turn the first date which has potential romantic opportunity into an ego contest. If he’s offered to take you out, he’s offered to take you out. Some men interpret you feeling like you have to take over and pay as an indicator that you think that they can’t afford to pay for the meal that they invited you on. It can also send the message that you care more about massaging your ego and catering to your need to feel independent than you do about getting to know him and enjoying the date.
On the first dates, debates over who will pay, or letting him pay will leave a dark cloud over the remainder of the evening. It’s difficult to bounce back to light-hearted conversation after tussling over who will pay. You have the second date to exercise your opportunity to pay. Unless you want to send a clear message that you don’t see it going past date #1, graciously accept him paying for dinner, thank him and get on with enjoying your evening.
No matter how much time has passed and how the sexes have evolved, most men just want to be ‘men’ at certain times which means that it’s actually easier to let them have their moment of feeling pleased with themselves for taking you out on the date and paying, than it is to bruise their ego’s.
As an aside though, do remember my other golden rules about paying on dates.
- Don’t frickin offer to pay if you don’t have any intention of paying, and then bitch about him letting you pay when he accepts your offer.
- Just because he has paid, it doesn’t mean that you have to snog or shag him. This is not an exchange of goods…
- Always say thank you but don’t milk it because you’ll come across as patronising.
- If you do offer to pay and he says no, accept it gracefully and move on. There are bigger battles in life to fight. He will respect you for making the offer, but he won’t respect you for not being able to let it rest.
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Part of the confusion, is that social traditions still view the guy (or gal) that makes the invitation the host. The provider of hospitality for the evening.
The part about debating who pays what? Think of the dinner as a gift. When he asks you out, he is offering a gift. You may then accept that gift. If you were to then discuss who pays, you are not talking about independence or ego — you are rejecting a gift.
While accepting a meal is not an exchange of favors, a gift does entail a certain amount of responsibility. While TV tells us the guy should call 1-3 days after a date (thanking her for *her* gift?), accepting several dinners without responding in kind — making dinner, buying a meal, or the equivalent, you start to build up a promise that you *will* make the accumulating debt right, to the satisfaction of your date.
Mostly it comes down to what he wants. If his primary goal is to get skin to skin, your chances to exchange gifts are limited. If he is looking for a potential mate, then there are ways to respond to meet his needs — getting to know each other — and remain on the up and up, socially. If he thinks of you as a friend, exchanging favors and gifts of time, attention, and small expressions of help and care should be flowing both ways, in approximately equal value (to the other partner).
Keep the level of intimacy level from both partners. If you aren’t pleased to respond on the same level of intimacy your partner wants, then beg off and wait for a better chance, probably with another date.
In my opinion.
Rejecting the gift rejects the giver. Especially on the first date. You are saying that you don’t want to pursue the relationship besides a certain point. You playing Ms. Independent just screws with the positive aura of the evening. I’m all for being independent, but the first date should be reserved for the host.
Great article. This is an issue that comes up on dates all the time. One thing I disagree with though is this statement:
“Don’t frickin offer to pay if you don’t have any intention of paying, and then bitch about him letting you pay when he accepts your offer.”
I always at least pull out my wallet on a first date, and if he doesn’t insist on paying immediately, I’ll even offer to pay half. I certainly can pay if he accepts this offer, but I’m only doing it to be polite. While I expect the guy to get the first date, I hate to be rude. What if he had a bad time and doesn’t want to foot the whole bill? But I definately count it as a strike when they let me pay in part and then want to go out again. I think if he likes you, he should get date 1.