Astelle, a regular reader of the site commented yesterday “I still believe that for some of these emotionally unavailable men (Mr Unavailables), control is more important to them than actually being with you, I think due to the narcissistic tendencies.
Could you post something about it?
Looking back, my clown is a narcissist, I have no doubt and me chasing him was all about control for him and I have no doubt that in his sick twisted mind he still expects to hear from me.”
Well, it is about control for Mr Unavailables but much as we may not like to hear it, it is just as much about control for Fallback Girls, it’s just that one is more successful at it because one is devoid of empathy and concern with an overinflated ego, and the other is overflowing with the wrong emotions and attitudes due to low self-esteem.
Always remember: Emotional unavailability is not a one way issue. If you are there habitually and you don’t tell these guys to take a run and jump as soon as you note their poor relationship behaviour, you are emotionally unavailable and you have poor relationship habits.
Two things that make Fallback Girls particularly guilty of control:
Betting on potential – Having an assclown in front of you who has occasional glimmers of charm or who hasn’t shown a decent side to him since he’d wooed you in the early days, and deciding that because you love him, and because you’ve got a fantasy of him in mind, you’ll bet on potential.
I Can Change Him syndrome – The quintessential situation of trying to make a silk purse out of a pigs ear. You refuse to accept the reality of him and decide that because you are at his side and because you love him that you will get him to change.
For Mr Unavailable, he likes to be in control of the situation even though he doesn’t want you.
He is a dog in a manger – He doesn’t want you but he doesn’t want you to not want him and only wants you to stop wanting him when he decides it. This is where the narcissistic tendencies spring from.
This is why he blows hot when he wants to reel you in, blows cold when he wants to manage down your expectations so that you stop wanting, needing, or expecting anything from him, and then starts blowing hot again whenever he thinks he’s in danger of losing you and your ego stroke, or when he needs to manipulate the relationship back to a comfortable level. He doesn’t like things too good, and he doesn’t like things too bad. He likes things just right…for him.
He is deluded, he no matter how many times you tell him to take a run and jump, probably still thinks you want him, which is why, he may turn up 20 years later playing the childhood sweetheart card if you knew him in your younger years.
However, you, as a Fallback Girl are just as guilty of control, and yes, sometimes even manipulation; you just try to control different things.
You want to control your experience. You say you want a great man and a relationship but you have a hidden, sometimes even unknown to you agenda where you choose men that reflect negative things you believe about yourself. This way, choosing crappy guys, you get to fulfil the self-fulfilling prophecy, avoid change, and avoid confronting your problems.
You want to control with your ‘love’. Many Fallback Girls decide that they love a guy practically straight out of the gate and without any real basis for feeling this way. Most Fallback Girls have distorted ideas about unconditional love, and the great majority believe that because they think they love their Mr Unavailable, he should love them. So you keep going on about how much you love him and care about him, sticking to his side like glue, forcing your ‘love’ on him.
You want to control with your imagination. He’s thinking ‘We’re hooking up’, and you’re thinking ‘We are soulmates’. He is saying ‘I don’t want a relationship with you’ and you’ve changed it to ‘He doesn’t know what he wants. He’s f*cked up, wounded, and I’m the right woman for him. I won’t push him and eventually he will see what a great woman I am and reward me with what I want.’
You control with expectations, both communicated and uncommunicated. You have expectations that far surpass the quality of the relationship. When you do communicate them, it’s to try to back him into a corner and extract some commitment from him, and when you don’t communicate them, you’re expecting him to guess what you expect because he should know because you love him.
You want to control with sex. You confuse sex with love and because you overrate your sexual connection, some of you do believe that you can shag him around to your way of thinking.
There are many ways that we openly and subtly try to control our environment. Of course some control is worse than others but at the end of the day, control is control. Better to change your relationship habits and lose your interest in Mr Unavailables so that you stop trying to control the uncontrollable.
Remember, take the focus off him and put it back to you. He’s an assclown that’s unlikely to see the light. You’re on a path of change learning about yourself and evolving into a more positive you.
To understand how controlling you both can be, read about The Status Quo.
If you want to understand why you’re attracted to Mr Unavailables, check out my new book Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.