Tina asks: I’ve recently found myself in a strange place in my relationship with my boyfriend of just over one year. For the past couple of months, he has been hinting at, and now actively pursuing the idea of us having a threesome. To be honest, I am not interested in having a threesome – it’s just not the type of thing I can imagine myself doing without regretting it afterwards or it causing problems in our relationship. He doesn’t seem to understand why I’m not interested saying it’ll be ‘fun’ and bring us ‘closer’.
I am afraid that he is going to lose interest in me if I don’t agree to this. He’s a lovely guy and I really want to be with him, but this latest thing combined with some other stuff like some occasional disappearing acts is making me question whether I should be with him. I don’t know if I am being a prude and close minded? Or am I right to feel uncomfortable? What would you do?
NML says: If your boyfriend genuinely loves and cares about you and has the interests of the relationship first and foremost when making a decision, he should respect your decision.You have only been together for a year – where is the fire? It’s hardly a long time and I would say that if you’re not the threesome type, trying to put a three-way in the relationship which is already a little shaky seems a little strange.
Personally, you wouldn’t catch me dead having a threesome with a guy who pulls disappearing acts. I think you’re being too kind when you say he’s lovely… This type of behaviour is a poor indicator of character and his relationship values as it shows a disrespect – If he can’t respect you enough to not disappear, why should you open up yourself (and your legs) to a third party?
Why don’t you suggest that you have a threesome with a guy and see how fast the idea suddenly loses interest for him?…
Are you prudish? I have no idea. It’s different strokes for different folks and we do what we are comfortable with and if we’re going to start shagging two people at once, we need to be pretty comfortable! Unless your fantasy is to have a threesome, the idea turns you on, or you’ve had one previously, you’re unlikely to leap at the idea and him badgering you about it isn’t going to improve matters.
Who is to say it will be fun and bring you closer? Why should a third party bring you closer?
If your boyfriend really wants to engage you in the idea of having a threesome, rather than talk complete and utter doo doo and play on your insecurities, he’d do better to nurture the relationship and gradually get you to try and understand where he is coming from. But he can’t have his cake and eat it – he can’t neglect the relationship and then badger you for a threesome! That’s just wrong!
Do not under any circumstances do anything out of fear of losing him. If you could lose a man over not having a threesome, he’s not worth having. It’s hardly a do or die thing.
Sometimes men are a bit thick – you know when you’re with a girl who is up for anything and you know when you’re with a shyer type of girl – Why do they keep barking up the wrong tree? I think in this case he is testing you out to see how far you will go to please him and just remember that if you go down Route Threesome, you may set a tone for your relationship.
If he can’t let it go, let him go because I suspect that this is the icing on the issues in your relationship, not the cake.
Add to favorites
NML is right.
This is bad news, not just a kinky new pleasure, like velcro handcuffs.
His wanting a three way is a huge red flag indicating a guy who has emotional intimacy-connection issues.
If he loses interest, it says he was just abusing/manipulating you.
Run before he hurts you even worse.
Yep. NML nailed it. It’s less about the threesome than his badgering you and you being afraid to lose him if you decline. Do you really want to be with someone who not only disappears but then tries to push you into something you’re not comfortable with? Ugh. I know I don’t.
It seems that you have a choice. Either your relationship flourishes as a sexual expression (what your bf is aiming for) or you have a love relationship, a stable live with comfort and nurturing going on, with sex, too.
You may be able to ‘bob’ back and forth between the two. But I kind of doubt it. The swapping couple I know personally – divorced after four years.
Sex is a hormonal ‘adventure’. It is most exciting with a new partner. For the best couples, it becomes more rewarding, but our bodies age and they physically adapt to each other – and the initial euphoria fades a bit over the decades.
We need to hang onto the excitement as best we can, just as we exercise so our bodies retain the ability to move easily and powerfully. But the old timers I grew up around settled for the trivet on the wall – “Kissin’ don’t last – Cookin’ do” (I think the ‘cooking’ part is a euphemism for responsible care and affection.).
Bringing in another person is one way that the bf exercises his “find a new bed partner” life skill, with permission. Do not ever believe that he will be satisfied with one new partner. Swinging and swapping is a lifestyle choice, not something like shopping at a new grocery store “Just One Time”, and you can walk away if you don’t like it.
I don’t know what your faith is, but mixing genders is a taboo for many modern religions. But how you were raised and how you anticipate raising your children, if any, should be something that you consider, because it will affect your self esteem. I expect that today’s children and tomorrow’s children will have immensely more information about their parents’ formative (and experimenting) years than in generations past. The diaries, the emails, the digital pictures will be turning up almost forever.
I would address several other questions, before agreeing: 1) How many second-hand sexual partners do you want exposure to? 2) Like Viagra, Exstasy, Cialis, etc., how does this make better babies and healthier children? 3) Are you ready to admit that your life, right now, is a perpetual date and not building a family? 4) Are you looking at a ‘3 coins’ permanent multi-adult family, or rotating bed partners (see #1 above)?
That said, the antics we see all about us pretty much argue that one-man-one-woman arrangements aren’t all that biologically cast in stone, that our bodies are quite capable of a lot of experimenting and mixing and matching. It is society and community that sets the rules we obey or disregard. Breaking taboos is pretty frequent for many lovers, for the added thrill of the fear (adventure, excitement, rebellion, assertiveness, whichever you call it for yourself). Be sure that you respect each rule, and understand how to be careful about each one you break.
Me? I suspect that most group sex urges boil down to interest in or curiosity about homosexual relationships.
ohh…nice post but really?/? 😛