I was emailed recently by a reader who wanted to know if she should confront The Other Woman after discovering that her husband had been cheating.
“NML, I feel like my entire life has been shattered. I want to speak to this woman. I want to know why she thinks it’s OK to screw someone else’s husband! Does she have no respect for marriage? I want her to explain herself!”
If you have discovered that your partner or husband is cheating on you, it is devastating, even if you had your suspicions. As you reel from the discovery and no doubt the ensuing revelations, it can be difficult to know whether you should be mad at him, The Other Woman, or both.
If you’ve been cheated on, he has willfully done it. He is not a child lacking control of himself and I doubt that anybody held a gun to his head and told him to take his penis out. The easy option when a man is caught out cheating is for him to blame the other woman, avoid responsibility, and seem like he has been led by a temptress. I don’t doubt that things about her were very tempting but to believe that it’s all down to her charms absolves him of any responsibility and if he has none, what is to stop him from doing it again? He is making himself sound like a spineless, gormless, idiotic, irresponsible twit with no control over himself. The longer he has systematically lied to you and kept up his cheating facade is the more he has deceived you, the more comfortable he was with it, and the bigger a chance he took. He has been having his cake and eating it.
It’s him you’re married/committed to, hence he is the person that owes you the biggest explanation and the only person that can commit to resolving the situation should you decide to keep his cheating ass.
The Other Woman thinks that it’s OK to screw someone elses husband because she believes in the promise of whatever he has offered. It’s not even that she thinks that what she’s doing is ‘OK’ per se, it’s just that time has allowed her to rationalize the situation, his actions, and her actions. Whilst there are women out there that make it their life’s pursuit to be with attached men, I think most of the women allow themselves to believe the hype as it suits their own esteem values.
However, while I can appreciate that people get sucked into situations, the reality is that if a woman is sleeping with someone else’s husband, at that time, she is not respecting marriage. It may not be that she has no respect for marriage itself, as she may want a wedding herself, but she doesn’t have any respect for YOUR marriage.
But is there ever a time to confront The Other Woman?
If the other woman is someone you know, or heaven forbid, related to you, then of course you should confront them. It’s not because he is any less responsible but because she has broken and abused your trust. Whilst the temptation is to get medieval on her ass, try to avoid doing anything illegal or anything that diminishes your dignity. She really just isn’t worth it.
And if you don’t know her? I don’t think that there is much to be achieved by confronting her as you are 1) going on hearsay from him, 2) she has her own version of events that she wants to believe in and 3) you are likely to look like the woman that doesn’t want to acknowledge the wrong that her partner/husband has done so you’re blaming her instead.
The Other Woman has failed to regard you as a human being with flaws and feelings, just like her, and she does this because this is her coping mechanism that distances herself from the reality of his situation.
The only reason why you should confront The Other Woman (other than in the situation where you know her personally) is if you actually give a damn what she thinks, and, confronting her gives her far more power than she deserves or needs. She hasn’t abused your trust – she’s just been screwing your man.
At this point you either need to focus on deciding if your relationship is worth saving or how best to turf his arse out. There is no benefit to having a ‘showdown’ because you will only feel good and righteous temporarily, and ultimately, are either one of them worth it?
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This is excellent advice NML> Dealing with the Other Woman is pointless and a waste of time, it doesn’t give you any validation or fix the situation. You should use your energies on dealing with your husband…he’s the one that broke his committment to you. She’s just a random ho.
Wow, this is perfect. I am going through this exact situation with my wife and she is really angry that I want to confront her other man, but this makes me feel more justified. He is also my friend, and they both broke my trust when I let them be together, e-mail, talk on the phone, etc. and all the time they’ve been going behind my back. i will stick to my decision now and talk to him about their affair.
I think.. its worth it to confront the other woman in a tactful mature calm approach. Here is why… I personally think and have heard… that many times… the cheater lies to the woman and she has no idea the man is married or in a long term relationship. Therefore.. to let her know… and also.. to confirm the facts so .. that you can verify this information first hand , before confronting and dealing with the cheater, would benifit you.
Here is a sure fire way to pass along… to those who want to catch cheaters… prove it. http://www.reversephonedetectives.com
I think there is something that can be gained by talking to the OW. This is a woman your H felt the need to spend some time with, and you can learn about him by meeting her, just like you do by meeting his friends and family. Yes, you might look like you are blaming her and not your H, but who cares how things look? And if you don’t want to look like that, then don’t blame anyone. Call her for information… call her to verify the info your H gave you, and remember that the truth lies somewhere in between both versions. The main thing to concentrate on tho is not hurting yourself more than you already are. Be careful what you ask her as the answer might sting badly, and be fair if you can’t be kind becuase your dignity is already feeling compromised.
I spoke to the OW, to 2 of them anyway, and one of them became someone I actually liked bumping in to. We often would hug. She got sick a year or so ago, and I felt so awful. I saw her the way my H saw her, as this fun loving light hearted person who I don’t think really realized the pain the affair could cause.
The other OW in his life, when he died, she and I talked and talked and talked at great lengths, daily. We both loved him, you see, even if he was different with her than he was with me, it was in some ways so comforting to have her there. We both felt widowed.
Otter
Thank you for posting this, what a wonderful perspective.
I think he may be telling the truth. She is the mother of the child and they will have contact. Is he the type to have sex with an addict…if yes…then maybe his IS not telling the truth but my gut says he’s being honest. The situation just looks so shady.
There is a saying if you are not married you are single. If he is not cheating now move on you married him now and I’m sure he would not have married you if he really wanted her. I would let him know I know and tell him ask if he plans to keep things like this from you now that you are married. If he says, “noâ€, I would move on and deal with being married and forget the other woman!
Otterwoman, I felt very touched by these words and it shows a totally other side of the situation. You were widowed even if there was someone else – you lost someone you loved and you were grieving – this transcends any relationship status. Your advice is very on point – you have to balance talking with her with sensitivity. Thanks for your comment.
I was the other woman and have been feeling terrible about it. It’s a complicated and messy story: They split (not because of me). She doesn’t know about it. That was over a year ago. He cheated on her one other time as well. I fell for his charms and was lonely (not an excuse). I met her but avoided becoming friends with her even though she is an great person. I tried to end it several times because I knew what was happening was wrong. He’d back off for awhile but then charm and manipulate his way back. After they split, I continued to see him for a year but suspected there were others (he denied it). Finally I met one of the women he was seeing but had lied about and we discovered he had been lying to both of us for a year. He is a chronic cheater, liar and was emotionally abusive to all of us. We are all smart, accomplished women who fell for him.
Back to the beginning: When I was the other woman, I knew his girlfriend casually but not as a friend. In the past few months I’ve run into her several times and now she has started emailing me. She invited me to a party at her house. She clearly doesn’t know that I dated him after they split and certainly doesn’t know that he cheated on her with me. I think she’s wonderful and am haunted daily by guilt for what happened. I don’t know what to do. Do I come clean and tell her? She will be devastated but maybe would want to know the truth about him? They are still in contact as friends. Do I just avoid her as much as possible and keep it a secret so she is not hurt more? I don’t want to unload my guilt on her but a friend of mine thinks she deserves to know and then can do with the information what she wants. She will cut contact with him when she realizes what he is really all about and will likely never forgive me. My loss will be the potential friendship I could have had with her if I hadn’t cheated with him ,and my reputation will be damaged when some of our mutual friends find out, but at this point I just want to do whatever is the right thing. Do I tell her or not?
to “Confession” I know your post is old but you disgust me. I walked in on my bf and the OW and she looked like some total airhead who probably ran back to him after he gave her a bs story. Of course I didn’t stay with him after that and told him that she is the garbage can and he is the piece of garbage-right where I am throwing him.
You should have looked for a man who was single-I hope the same thing happes to you some day because you and the guy are just cheap, selfish tramps.
I have been dating someone for 3 years and we were engaged to be married. He has his place and I have mine, but he always spent every night with me. He has always been very protective over his phone, which made me become suspicious of him. Sometimes he would leave it outside in his truck, hide it or turn it off. Finally about a year ago I looked at it and saw he had several text that were sexual and some saying I love you, need you. I confronted the women one said they dated once, but were just friends now; one said I would have to talk to him; one said she didn’t believe me and the other was someone he had told me he dated once but was just friends with now. He was very convincing, so I gave him another chance. Well recently the one he said he was just friends with has been calling me and causing us alot of problems and she would never believe me about mine and his relationship. He was telling her I was out of the picture and he wasn’t involved with me anymore. So I finally met with her and her listen to his voice messages to me telling me he loved me, etc. It made me feel better, but I still think he has her so brain washed that she still doubts. I feel I’ve done my part and made her aware of the facts and now she’s on her own. My boyfriend, at the time, now ex tried to make me out to be the villain. He told me I was back stabbing, a witch, crossed him, no friend to him, that my children will be cursed, and that I will pay. That I’m trying to get him hurt, because you see the girl is street and a drug addict. By the way I forgot to mention he has custody of one of her kids because she got locked up due to her drug use. It’s not his kid because he showed me the DNA results, so that means he/we will always have dealings with this girl. I told him if he is in jeporday of getting hurt it’s because of his lies, not me telling the truth. He said It was easier to deal with her by letting her think what she wanted and not know about me, since he had her child, but he promised nothing sexual was going on between them. Yea Right! Anyways I feel better for telling the truth, but bad about the whole situation. The girl called me again today asking me more questions about our relationship and I feel I’ve done enough and I’m going to block her calls. What do you think?
i really enjoyed reading this becuz i just obtained the other womans cell number and for three day have been debating weather or not to call her… the worst thing i that she use to be my best friend but last december moved away (how convenient for her).
as far as i know the affair happened before we were married but we were already living together. does that make it any different i want to know? people kept telling me “ohh but you weren’t married yet” fuck you!!! do you think i would have married him if i would have known? seriously ladies!!! does the time frame make it any better? NO his dick shouldn’t have been where it had been! lemme know if you agree….
Dear NML, I am in the midst of a break up in which my boyfriend was my fiancee and now I’m the other woman!I have read all these posts and I wish I had the strength to adhere to no contact (NC) . I am being tortured by my Mr. Unavailable (MU). I am hoping to get help from others who have maybe been in a similar situation. My MU and I have known each other since we were 4 and 2, respectively. We grew up in the same neighborhood, our mothers were life-long friends and he and my brother were also very close. MU was my 1st crush and my 1st love. We moved to a different neighborhood when I was in 5th grade. Years past and his mother later moved right down the street from us again. He was back! We were in our late teens at this point and we shared our 1st kiss after we got over the initial “weirdness”. It was fantastic; everything I had imagined it would be and better.
We had a great time together yet kept it a secret so we didn’t involve the families. They may not approve of us seeing each other. At this point we were now in our late teens. As young people do, we went on to see other people but we always loved each other. He got into music and played in a band touring the U.S. I got into a long term relationship (12 yrs) even though I always thought about MU. He was always in the back of my mind. During this time my mother and I attended his wedding (his wife to be was 6 mos. pregnant!) He later told me that was the only reason they got married.
In 2008 MU left his wife and I broke it off with my at the time boyfriend. My ex and I were in a “just friends” kind of relationship. I thought everything was now the way it was always meant to be since we were together. We were so happy in love.
After a period of bliss, bad things began happening. In the past few years our relationship had been slammed with tremendous challenges but this is life, right? It started with me getting laid off from my job then he did as well. My grandmother died (we both witnessed her last breath). Shortly after that my sweet mother became terminally sick. I had to stop the job I was then working to care for my mom. It was very heartbreaking. We moved from my apartment into my mother’s home and my brother lived with my mom in my grandmother’s old home. The whole time we were struggling financially as many couples have been. He had sporadic work and wasn’t really able to contribute like he wanted. I had essentially been taking care of him. During this whole time his 2 daughters came to see us every other weekend. I made sure they had everything they needed when they were with us. My mother passed away in January of this year. I had started to work again but got laid off again in June. He had actually talked to my brother in May about marrying me and we were talking about where we would have the ceremony. I thought things were only going to get better as we had already been through hell and back. And above all else we were best friends having known each other since we were children.
I found out in early July through text messages on his phone that he had been introduced to a woman that is 10 years older than me. She is very financially stable and has a life that is more structured than mine. I found out they spent a few days together at her home during the July 4th holiday while he told me he was helping a friend and visiting his kids. I was Blindsided by all of this.
Since this happened, he has moved out of my house about 45 minutes away. This is where I need help… He won’t leave me alone! The day after I found out all of this from his texts he went to stay with her for 4 days (she lives 2 hours away). While he was gone I was Miserable! I have never felt so much betrayal and pain in my entire life. He came back to get some things after those 4 days and the pain was lessened. Mind you, I have never been so vulnerable in my whole life than at this time. I feel as though I have lost everything. He asked me if he could stay the night but that he would have to use the phone upstairs. He played it like he was somewhere else talking to her! I don’t know why I allowed this- I just hurt so bad so I took him back with his stipulations. That night has been repeated 4 to 5 nights of the week for 3 weeks now. I can’t believe I have allowed this to continue. Please help me with advice!
I thought my MU was the One and how could he do this to me. How could he take advantage of me like this? Am I just allowing myself to be the back up if she can’t help him with whatever he thinks she can help him with. I am 38 and he will 40 in a month. The other woman is 47. I feel like I need to let this woman know how he is playing us both so she will know the person he really is. It would really devastate me if they ended up living together or married!I have loved my MU since I was a child so I am having trouble letting him go. He told me if I ever confronted her he would never speak to me again, I used to be his fiancee now the OW, I don’t know what to do…Please help!
Rebecca,
Really, you do know what to do, don’t you?
It won’t make any difference for you that the other woman knows what he’s really like – *you* know what he’s really like and that’s what counts, and you’re still tolerating it and for all you know she would still tolerate it too, and even if she didn’t tolerate it *you* still know what he’s really like, so the result for you is always the same.
If you want him to stop him making a mug of you, you need to stop allowing him to. There’s no shortcut, I’m afraid. You are either accepting this awful behaviour from him or you are not. Try reading more of Nat’s articles (such as those on self-esteem and boundaries – and a recent one about the returning childhood sweetheart). Good luck. It sounds pretty awful.
Fearless…Thanks for the reply. I greatly appreciate your words. When you’re in a situation like this it is rather difficult to think and act logically or with good sense. I know in my heart of hearts that I need to AVOID him at all costs. I suppose that is when I have to completely accept what is happening. And that is tough- today actually marks 1 month that I found those text messages on his phone. (Actually the phone that I bought and the phone that I pay the bill on as its in my name).
I am in the process of losing my home and dealing with a health issue that is exacerbated by stress so I have felt like I am in the process of losing just about everything. I lost my mom in June and since I was laid off in June, I don’t have 8 hours a day to preoccupy myself. I know that everything together has made me feel less than I really am. Everything just happens at once, right? I know that’s why I have taken him back in, I suppose I have been trying to hold on to at least 1 thing. But alas, I know that I have to let him go, too.
I told him that if he were anyone else and he did this to me he would not step foot back in my house and I would tell him to **** off. But since I had known him almost my whole life and he was not just some guy, I have been torturing myself. It is very painful indeed and hurts more knowing the woman he left me for is wealthy and has everything I don’t. If I didn’t know that maybe it would be easier? I feel beat down but I must stand up and reclaim myself. I know I am too good for him and I need to accept THAT!
I am going to avoid him and not take his calls. He can have his new rich woman and one day she will see what he truly is. A sleazy cheat!
Thank you and wish me luck!
I lost my mom in January not June…typo.
Rebecca,
It sounds like you are going through a ton of serious stuff right now from the passing of your grandmother and mother (so sorry) to the returning childhood sweetheart and then from fiancee to OW, not to mention the job situation. Have you considered grief counseling? I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother and mother and for the loss of the fantasy surrounding your childhood sweetheart. That is a lot to deal with.
If there ever was a case for NC, yours is it. He’s mooching off and using you and you are allowing it. Pack his shit and throw it in the front yard, change your locks and number, close, bolt, and seal your door. Maybe your brother could stay with you for a while? Since his new interest is financially stable, she should be able to care for him and his kids.
What could be gained by contacting his new interest? You know he’s a cheater. That should be it. I was an OW for two years and it was the most dehumanizing, debilitating, dark, and devastating 2 years of my life. Grieve your losses. It hurts, it sucks, but grieving the loss of me and re-gaining a shred of self-dignity (thank you Natalie and BR) was the toughest. Hugs to you…xxoo.
Rebecca, first of all my condolences for the loss of your mom. You are going through a very bad time, try to take care of yourself.
As for your question, the issue would be why you want to confront the other woman? Is it so she´ll break up with him and he´ll get back to you? It sounds like that is what you are hoping for.
But even if that happens, things will not be the same again. You have already had a major disappointment with this guy, he has been terribly disloyal at a time when you need him most.
So the only thing you can do is to accept that he isn´t the person you believed he was. Or maybe he was at one time, but obviously things have changed. And given this new reality, the only thing you can do is go complete NC on him. You are very vulnerable at this moment so you have to be extra strict with yourself on this. Take your time to heal and to build up your self esteem and your life.