I received a long email from a reader the other day in which she detailed the course of her relationship with the man she lost her virginity to. They were together for 14 months and started having major problems. His excuse was that she was too needy and he couldn’t deal with it. “Before the breakup, in about 3-4 weeks he got abusive, physically, verbally,emotionally…you name it. And I still hung around. His friends came first, I was always left out..I even felt he was cheating again that’s why I broke up with him…”
She booty called him for a while and then attempted two reconciliations that each lasted for 3-4 months. She finally ended it after his best friend confirmed that he was still cheating on her. Fast forward a month later, he now has a new girlfriend and she is dating a guy but neither of them have the ability to let go of each other. They were still calling/texting incessantly and he gets jealous and possessive whenever he sees her and her boyfriend together. He finally broke down her willpower and she ended up sleeping with him again. Now she’s sneaking around in the capacity of the Other Woman, lying & cheating on her new boyfriend and she’s wondering how she got here, why she can’t let him go and what to do about it.
He finally broke down her willpower and she ended up sleeping with him again. Now she’s sneaking around in the capacity of the Other Woman, lying & cheating on her new boyfriend and she’s wondering how she got here, why she can’t let him go and what to do about it.
There is so much going on here that I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, I know the attachments that can form when you get great sex and even when you fall in love for the first time, however, let’s call a spade a spade. He cheated on her. Several times. How she can overlook that and continue consorting with him is beyond my imagination. Secondly…he abused her. For several weeks. How he managed to redeem himself from emotionally and physically hurting her is beyond me. That is a flaming RED FLAG. Something is seriously wrong with this guy plus ever since they broke up, this ‘man’ has consistently shown that he’s not into her beyond sleeping with her.
Somebody saying sweet things on the phone and being nice once in a while does not mean that they’re head over heels in love with you. With that back catalog of behaviour, it’s safe to say that this man is reeling her in for more heartbreak just so that he can be in control. She’s twenty-one and still has a lot to learn about love, life and relationships but some things just scream Run, Run, Run!!!
A guy that cares about you will not have you in compromising situations on a consistent basis. Hell – they will go out of their way to avoid putting you in compromising situations.
In this woman’s situation, he’s a flagrant cheat and abusive to boot, so it’s time for her to ask where the desire for him is coming from and draw her line. She may still be in love but it’s time for the illusions to catch up with reality. Sometimes, because a person is our first, we can be inclined to believe that it’s “forever” and feel very rejected and wounded when they start mistreating us, especially if they were charm personified when it came to getting us into bed.
This woman is taking what he did very personally, in the sense that she sees what he’s doing as being her fault. The truth is that she lost her virginity to and went out with a man who has proved to be disrespectful, uncaring, untrustworthy, unloving, and in fact, abusive. That’s about him, not her.
She will not get back into his ‘affections’ by sleeping with him. He needs to have some genuine affections and empathy in there in the first place…
Men don’t equate sex with love, so don’t use your body as a bartering chip for affection.
He’s getting to eat his cake and have it too. She doesn’t have the ability to give her heart to another at this point, so I suggest that she stop using the Rebound Guy and cut him loose.
She knows what she needs to do; she just wants confirmation. End it. End all of it. Enough with the soap opera! Cut him out of your life totally and stop talking to him, reading his emails, messages….everything! Most especially stop sleeping with him. He’s moved on with someone else. He’s a philandering cheat. This relationship and the way that he treats you, is beneath you.
You are the only one that can put an end to this madness. You are in charge of your life and accountable for the decisions that you make. Take charge and do what’s best for you.
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I have spent the past two years involved with a married man. When I finally got the nerve to end it (it only lasted 10 days), I was sad and depressed. So I called him. He confessed his love to me and told me he did not want to go on without me. He told me he was leaving, and we set a date of 2/07. We started planning a life together, I was so happy to the thought of finally having a family of my own. Only to find out his wife had a firm grip on him and two months later he has decided to stay with her. I am broken hearted and cant believe this was happening to me.
So now I am on day 3 of being without him, locking myself inside my house, being depressed. Knowing this is not good for me. Then I notice an envelope under my door. He has left me $2000 with a note that says “just to help you with your bills. Please know I am just a phone call away.” I love this unavailable man so much. I dont know how to deal with this. I dont want him thinking that I can be bought. Prior to receiving this gift, I had decided I was going to tell his wife of his wrong doings, as she has a right to know about the vacations, and nights spent together, the love letters, and emails. I know he has done this to her before. As he has a child from the old other woman. She took him back then. I guess my goal is to make her want to leave so he will want to be with me. But after reading the other stories, I am starting to question myself. This site has really helped me, I mean I finally stopped crying. But now I dont know what to do. I know I am worth more than this relationship is giving me. But I have never had a normal relationship in my life. Not with my parents or with a man. How do I cope?
Ouch.
Really, though, why should she think any different? You claim that any woman should know better, but at 21 almost all of her dating experience, before Lord Whacker, was in high school. Where what is going together, what are soul mates, and who you can or should be seen with change from day to day, ‘serious’ relationships realign a couple of times a week for some kids. Unless her mother was happily married to her father, still on the first marriage, and willing and able to tell her daughter ‘Don’t pick a guy for looks or your feelings. First make sure he is a man — honorable, disciplined, and kind. He should be responsible, pay attention to your wants. You should be able to communicate with him, but you should not be able to twist his dearly held beliefs and desires (they *will* come unstuck)’. At least my folks never explained anything like this.
So unless your 21 year old had donated time to a battered women’s shelter (since we never talk about how to keep women out — only how terrible the guy is), her closest contact with abuse may well have been watching a neighbor or friend — that put up with it.
Thanks for your message. I think your message, ‘There is a healthy way to live, avoid the poisons!’ has to be repeated for all the kids growing up, and the adults, too, that haven’t heard the message, yet.
KW, there is a world out there. Unfortunately, it looks like your married guy is tied up with your memories of your father. We are taught we never ‘leave’ our fathers out of our lives, so your feelings of being attached also seem to be for forever. Do yourself a favor — don’t approach his wife. She surely knows, or has chosen to not wanting to know. In either case, you cannot make her life happier, and as you have seen, you *will not* be changing him. Think of the guy as a car, one that the engine blew up, and you have to trade for a new model. Only plan on a three years separation before shopping for the next one. You want a chance to make a life for yourself in your own name before looking for another guy. Clean the house, either take a job and focus on a career, or take some classes. Preferably find a counselor — priest, wise and discreet aunt, or professional counselor. Avoid the mood altering crap — strong drink, drugs, prescriptions, even Nyquil. Separations are a ‘small’ grief — you have to go through the whole thing to get a balance back into your life.
And next time, a couple years from now, before dating a guy make sure he is a man — honest, disciplined, respectful.
Blessed be.
Brad, I do give her license for being young. And I do realise that young love is something that can be all consuming regardless of how destructive it can be. Hopefully this will be a wakeup sign for her to change her life and get out of the situation before it becomes any worse.
KW, I do notice that you are trying to get out the situation. I can also tell that he’s trying hard core to get you back. However you have to do what is best for you. I don’t see him leaving his wife to get with you—-if he hasn’t done it yet, I don’t think he’ll ever get around to it. I know it seems like he’s such a great guy, but you have to remember that he’s CHEATING on his wife with you. A man that cheats on his wife and then leaves her, is probably going to cheat on his Mistress once she becomes his main chick. And even if he doesn’t that’s always going to be at the back of your mind.
Go with Brad’s suggestions—cut a clean break. Consider yourself totally broken up from him and cease and desist with all contact. Go through your stages of grief (the Breakup section has really good coping tips) and then—when you are over him, find a man that is ALL YOURS. Good luck!