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I received a long email from a reader the other day in which she detailed the course of her relationship with the man she lost her virginity to. They were together for 14 months and started having major problems. His excuse was that she was too needy and he couldn’t deal with it. “Before the breakup, in about 3-4 weeks he got abusive, physically, verbally,emotionally…you name it. And I still hung around. His friends came first, I was always left out..I even felt he was cheating again that’s why I broke up with him…

She booty called him for a while and then attempted two reconciliations that each lasted for 3-4 months. She finally ended it  after his best friend confirmed that he was still cheating on her. Fast forward a month later, he now has a new girlfriend and she is dating a guy but neither of them have the ability to let go of each other. They were still calling/texting incessantly and he gets jealous and possessive whenever he sees her and her boyfriend together. He finally broke down her willpower and she ended up sleeping with him again. Now she’s sneaking around in the capacity of the Other Woman, lying & cheating on her new boyfriend and she’s wondering how she got here, why she can’t let him go and what to do about it.

He finally broke down her willpower and she ended up sleeping with him again. Now she’s sneaking around in the capacity of the Other Woman, lying & cheating on her new boyfriend and she’s wondering how she got here, why she can’t let him go and what to do about it.

There is so much going on here that I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, I know the attachments that can form when you get great sex and even when you fall in love for the first time, however, let’s call a spade a spade. He cheated on her. Several times. How she can overlook that and continue consorting with him is beyond my imagination. Secondly…he abused her. For several weeks. How he managed to redeem himself from emotionally and physically hurting her is beyond me. That is a flaming RED FLAG. Something is seriously wrong with this guy plus ever since they broke up, this ‘man’ has consistently shown that he’s not into her beyond sleeping with her.

Somebody saying sweet things on the phone and being nice once in a while does not mean that they’re head over heels in love with you. With that back catalog of behaviour, it’s safe to say that this man is reeling her in for more heartbreak just so that he can be in control. She’s twenty-one and still has a lot to learn about love, life and relationships but some things just scream Run, Run, Run!!!

A guy that cares about you will not have you in compromising situations on a consistent basis. Hell – they will go out of their way to avoid putting you in compromising situations.

In this woman’s situation, he’s a flagrant cheat and abusive to boot, so it’s time for her to ask where the desire for him is coming from and draw her line. She may still be in love but it’s time for the illusions to catch up with reality. Sometimes, because a person is our first, we can be inclined to believe that it’s “forever” and feel very rejected and wounded when they start mistreating us, especially if they were charm personified when it came to getting us into bed.

This woman is taking what he did very personally, in the sense that she sees what he’s doing as being her fault. The truth is that she lost her virginity to and went out with a man who has proved to be disrespectful, uncaring, untrustworthy, unloving, and in fact, abusive. That’s about him, not her.

She will not get back into his ‘affections’ by sleeping with him. He needs to have some genuine affections and empathy in there in the first place…

Men don’t equate sex with love, so don’t use your body as a bartering chip for affection. 

He’s getting to eat his cake and have it too. She doesn’t have the ability to give her heart to another at this point, so I suggest that she stop using the Rebound Guy and cut him loose.

She knows what she needs to do; she just wants confirmation. End it. End all of it. Enough with the soap opera! Cut him out of your life totally and stop talking to him, reading his emails, messages….everything! Most especially stop sleeping with him. He’s moved on with someone else. He’s a philandering cheat. This relationship and the way that he treats you, is beneath you.

You are the only one that can put an end to this madness. You are in charge of your life and accountable for the decisions that you make. Take charge and do what’s best for you.

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